2000 – 2001


Saturday 21 July 2001 7:21

Okay three hours later…

My system didn’t melt! Yippie! (: 

Everything seems to be quite stable, and so i’ve been working on getting the webcam online. It took me quite some configuring and aggrevation, but it’s online! I won’t have it on all of the time, ‘cuz it’ll eat up a bit of bandwidth, but probably most of the time. Guess I AM a bit of an exhibitionist 😉

If you haven’t found it yet… Find it HERE!

Saturday 21 July 2001 4:24

Big scare… Well on the day of the anniversary, it looks like i might have a pretty big hardware problem. My system’s temp is too high somehow… But after installing a temp-monitor, it says one of my cpu’s is next to melting, not the system… Now i’m confused and scared! It stable now… but for how long? The temp is hovering around 70 degrees celcius… Is this my system temp (which wouldn’t be such a problem), or is this my second cpu (if so, i’m fucked…)? We’ll see what happens…

Did nothing at all tonite… Just hangin’ around here, trying not to panic too much about this whole temperature business… It’s pretty damn late again… Don’t feel like going out… Maybe i’ll watch a movie… Maybe i’ll just go to sleep… Hell i don’t know… Please don’t melt

Friday 20 July 2001 18:23

NP: Lustmord – Protoplasmic Reversion

I didn’t sleep wednesdaynite. I just kept on worrying about what was next. About getting a job. About… Well… Dropping the ball, letting go of my last chance. So eventually I just said “fuck it” and started my day.

I started looking for a job, but that being the awful task that it is, i got pretty much depressed. It seems that there are only two studies you should‘ve done and beyond that it seems that there is only telemarketeering. Well I applied for a job helping people out with computertrouble, so at least i’ll be able to have some ‘puters near.

When evening fell gently upon us, like the rain had done all day, Zieg arrived. We talked about starting our own businesses, about the pro’s and con’s, the difficulties. We listened to music, had a good laugh. He read a little, while i did the dishes, in preparation of dinner. But by the time i was finished doing the dishes, i was so tired and beat, that i didn’t want to have to cook anymore. So we decided to go out for a spot of chinese food. It was pretty good.

We came back to my place and drank a bottle of wine, having fun with my webcam and singing along with music. We met up with Guaka @ the park, but it was pretty boring. I saw Remy, his brother Simon and Erik, which was pretty cool. Haven’t seen those guys in months. Simon told me to join the Hell’s Angels… hehehe

We ended up @ the club, where we actually got sucked into a moshpit. Very amusing. Danced ’till I dropped.

Got home, took a shower… Watched a movie and died :).

Tomorrow is the big day!

1 year anniversary

of this log

I’ll have to find a way to celebrate! 🙂 Any suggestions? Contact me!

Thursday 19 July 2001 6:21

Holy shit, how is it possible that life is this boring? I’m bored right out of my skull. Just came back from the club, where tons of people had gathered… It was so fucking boring… I tried to leave a few times, but it was so crowded, i got so tired of waiting for my jacket, that i went back to the bar for a drink. My only entertainment tonite was the lovely S behind the bar.

I’m gonna try and get up early today, get some shit done, get this pigsty in order and clean the house. I also have to get a job and i really could use some fresh air, just walking around a bit perhaps. Shit… I wish there was someone to join me… I feel lonely, bored, irritated, fucked up… My mind is numb, no i’m not drunk. My mind is raging… no i don’t use drugs. Fuck… It’s getting to me, i guess. What now? The hunt for money? Even without a degree… Still a possibility? Shit… I don’t want to… This sure as hell sucks donkey ass!

Wednesday 18 July 2001 21:50

About twenty hours later… I slept alot… I mean ALOT! Weird fucked up dreams. Guess that’s the price you pay for not gettin’ that THC down the pipes… Watched a movie last nite. Read a little… Tonite I might go out a bit… Check out the festival. Maybe i’ll meet some friends, maybe not, but we’ll see.

Gotta find that loophole soon

Where’s the rip in the maze

Keep running… Don’t slow down

Keep runnin… Head to the ground

Never look back

Wednesday 18 July 2001 1:03

The city is vibrating with life… day and night. People everywhere… It’s hard to decide whether to stay in or go out into this night. This will last the whole week… I know… but…

Played soccer this evening… teams of 8. We played in the park. Our regular spots have all been taken up by the people who organize the festival and who are joining in on the walks.

Should go to bed a bit early i guess. I’ll try and read a bit perhaps.

Tuesday 17 July 2001 16:14

NP: T.A.G.C. – Balag Anti

Yesterday I went with K and R to the feasts, met up with Zieg and some other people. We drank a bit near the ruins, eventually ended up @ the club, drinking “Tropical Island”-mixes with Zieg. After that he left, so i talked to someone else… Who left a bit later as well. Then G, C and E showed up. After a while i just gave up. Too much alcohol. So I went home. Got into bed ’round 8, woke again ’round 10, got behind the screen and read my mail. Then getting back into bed about half an hour later, i read a bit, then fell asleep ’till just now. Weird dreams again.

Only 4 more days and this log has come full circle! One whole year of my life in this page. Documented and illustrated… If you’re interested in commenting or just congratulating me (hehehe….right) goto my Communications Page and choose a way to contact me!

Perhaps a spot of soccer tonite… Not sure. I’m not feeling too hot. Must be the booze. We’ll see

Monday 16 July 2001 19:46

Felt really fucked up last nite, so i stayed at home. I’m so unsure of what to do… I’m hoping that it’s the right decision…

The annual festivities are raging this week. So I guess I’ll try and take in some of the atmosphere as well.

Sunday 15 July 2001 18:16

Pfew… that was a lot of booze… I updated the grafix section with artwork from the show. Watched a movie this morning before turning in. Dreamt strange stuff again tonite. Gonna clean this place up a bit, cook for meself and then later tonite head down to the ruins to see a show.

Sunday 15 July 2001 7:32

Had lots of nightmares… Boy oh boy… Executions, war, eastern society mayhem… shit

Tonite Mikey came over, we drank some wine, talked some… Then we went for drinks with K, my new neighbour. Pretty cool… Ended up @ the club, I had a good time, drank, danced, stared way too long @ 1 particular girl… Who didn’t notice me… Oh well. Just got back, gave Mikey the key… He was too out of it, so i came home a bit later. He’s sleeping now, like some angelic figure from an old, yellow bible-illustration. Oh ok… What’s that you say? I know I know… Chill out.

Tomorrow (sunday)- night KRANG is gonna perform @ the festival near the ruins! Make sure that if you’re around here, you’ll check it out! These guys really kick ass… I’m not kidding!

I don’t know what to say… I really would like some… But they don’t gimme the time of day… Oh sure… It’s okay… Hey Q-ball, where the fuck were you tonite man? Cheeeeeeeezzzzz, even if you feel lousy, you can alway hang with us, man….. Can’t you? SHIT!!!

Saturday 14 July 2001 3:20

Didn’t sleep this afternoon. Instead come evening me, Mikey, Zieg and C went for a bit of outdoor-soccer, which was fun. Afterwards we gathered @ the Highfields, just talking. Got home an hour ago. Gonna go to sleep now, cuz i’m really tired. All these thoughts… Hope i’ll sleep really deep.

Friday 13 July 2001 13:12

NP: The Cure – Fear of Ghosts

Couldn’t sleep… Woke up every other half hour. Talked to M on the phone for a while. Very cool that she called me. I’m tired. Maybe I should sleep some more. It’s friday the thirteenth… Best to stay in bed…right? Where’d everybody go? I think we’ve lost it…Or perhaps it’s just me… Hell I don’t know anymore. It sure as hell is scary. I’m hoping tonite someone will join me in the woods… I could use a bit of fresh air. It’s too sunny right now

Friday 13 July 2001 8:39

NP: The Cure – From the Edge of the deep green Sea

So melancholy is an illusion

So all these faces are nothing but fantasy

What? Were you there too?

Did he die?

Where are you going?

I guess it ended, i guess you kissed the enemy on the lips

She looked so lonely

I knew I was not able

Why are you doing this?

I know you’re scared

I have to get some shut-eye

I’m scared the sun will scorch me

Some blackeyed angel

Blue-eyed elves have left me

Couldn’t stop her

Where is my love?

Will no-one help me?

Let me go

Please let me go

Thursday 12 July 2001 17:42

Stayed at home last nite… Didn’t do too much, watched another movie. If anybody’s interested to know where i get these movies, check out the Donkey. I got up pretty late. Had some weird dreams. I’m wondering if i’m making the right choices. I don’t know what i want… Or do I? Shit…

Fixed the “Brood” link… Thanx for pointing it out… whoever it was.

Gonna check if there’s mail and go to the store for some groceries. Time’s a vicious enemy. Melancholic afternoons, ambigious dreams, lost love; what of these clouds in my mind?

Thursday 12 July 2001 1:54

“Brood is dood” Oh well… The country’s sweetest junky took a dive… 

Sunday watched two movies, some animation-comedy and a bit of sci-fi

Monday I stayed at SMAids new place… Wow what a hell of house… Ppl, we should party there…! Watched some crappy horrormovie, after that a bit of that classic spaceflic. I read all through the nite: Narziss und Goldmund. Very impressive book.

Went home to see mom, got some new clothes… Slept like mad from 22:00. Today went to see my dad. Then for a spot of dinner @ some old-ladies’ club, cute blonde though. Got home around 22:00 tonite. Should go to bed. But on the other hand… I’d like to go have a drink… Decision is a bitch

Sunday 8 July 2001 19:25

Just cleaned the house… Gonna do the dishes in a sec, but damn… I’m watching this again… Too sentimental… Shit it’ll be an addiction again… I can feel it. After dishes probably a spot of dinner. But after that…

Sunday 8 July 2001 16:59

NP: The Cure – Plainsong

It finallly rained… It’s been so incredibly hot, but now it’s cooled down considerably. Cloudy and cool

Yesterday Mikey and Zieg dropped by, we talked and watched some online cartoons. After they left I watched a movie, then i crawled into bed.

I forgot to mention that when i was done thursday and i got off stage, suddenly J was standing in front of me. I hadn’t seen him in some years and i was dumbfounded to be suddenly staring into his eyes… trying to recognize him. Incredibly it turns out that he’s one of my friends’ boyfriend. This is such a small fucking country… I’m gonna try and hook him back up with Dries… But we’ll see…

SmAids has moved from B-town back to Nevohdnie, where he’s living in some sort of a farmhouse all alone… I really wanna see this. I’m gonna go check it out tomorrow nite, tuesday i’ll visit my mom. Gonna try to get things back on track again. It seems this summer is the perfect (and only) opportunity for it. It seems that the lab days are almost over. Just another month and then it’s byebye… We had some great times there… but times change i guess.

I’m starting to enjoy writing again, which i’m happy about. Reading is coming back to me again as well. I’m hoping that i will be able to get something together to throw onstage… I really feel an urge to be doing more shows… But it’ll take some time i guess. Gotta keep the momentum… Perhaps another IndusTree-show? Guaka?

Saturday 7 July 2001 5:34

Remember that job i got fired from? Guess my suspicions were right… check this out! hehehehe….

We did it. A little bit over 2 hours it lasted… I have respect for the audience, it must have been a long ride. Got some really good responses from them afterwards, although i didn’t talk to too many people. After clearing the stage i was really beat… I got into a bad mood after that… Started drinking and contemplating way too many things… Too many things to be thinking about in a bar anyway…

We had a setup of 3 pc’s: 1 running wavelab, a laptop for additional samples and another pc dedicated for grafix. You can find 2 (low quality -bandwidth and storage space issues-) animations of one of the slideshow used in the performance here and here. A synth (cs1x), two Shure mic’s, 2 wireless India-style mikes, an am radio, a taperecorder, a mininoisegadget, djembe and bongo’s, toy piano, horn, a cowbell, a behringer deskmixer and a 16 channel mixer were among the things we used. We also had 2 mattresses onstage for when we’d feel sleepy 😉

Thursday was one of the hottest days yet (it’s still amazingly hot!), so along with the floodlights engulfing us onstage and the exertion of doing the show, i’ve must have lost 2 liters of fluids… I was sweating so much, that drops falling onto the lights evaporated, creating a smokescreen of sorts in front of me…

Setlist (not exactly in order due to overlap):

ag Fibonacci FM noise

Alisando Reticolo

Bluesoxyearbible

Sick my Duck

Jeannie

ChemCrap

Metro Mind

Dreamt in Space

Diggin’ up Lou

D’yever go to bed?

QQSAAAS

Big far tiny our face

Lovein:thegrass

Boxes

Homesick

Noisy

Kure for Lure

Eokwok

Massfuck

Obdistandu

EekWackWackWere

Left Alone (With P.Zieg on bass)

Nothing

Bark on Brok

Seisreques

Pylisandro

KasMo

Bleazikalla (interrupted due 2 technical and motivational troubles 🙂

Zoxymorning

Buzzz (With P.Zieg on bass)

Bomb*IT’01

Turtlett Condom

Fibonacci FM noise (excerpt)

Bomb*IT’01 (part II)

Fuzzy

Sick

Amerac Sumic

Vacuüm Incognito

Visit IndusTree for mp3’s!

Nearly the whole show was caught on minidisc and there are photo’s as well, but it looks like there’s not enough space on our server to put the whole (or even half) show online. But we’ll see what we can do… Those pictures will take a while as well. But we’ll keep updating.

I’m actually not feeling so good… Have had a lot of stomach cramps and stuff… I think i fucked my back up a bit too… I wish it would rain a little, so it’d cool down. Sweating so much… Thirsty. Fill that bottle up with water again and see if i can get some sleep done. All in all i’m glad i did the show. Although there were lots of emotions rummaging through me throughout the show and sometimes i got close to breaking down. I don’t know what it was, but i somehow made this journey in my head, with the music… I think the audience got a peek of that as well. I do know i want more time onstage. This is just something i love to do. I’m tired i guess. After the show i hit a low. Just a few hours of sleep, then back to the club to get the stuff, take it back to the lab… And now it’s morning again. I’m glad i stayed in tonite… Guaka called me to say that there was a tranceparty at the beach, but with this bad stomach and backpain, i really didn’t feel up to it. Ok, thirsty now, tired now… I’m gonna go sleep

Thursday 5 July 2001 11:38

NP: The Cure – Birdmad Girl

This is it… Just a matter of hours now… Not nervous yet, but i’m getting there… We’ll be moving the stuff over to Diogenes in an hour, hooking everything up, getting the soundcheck done and everything….

Gotta go now! Be sure to come tonite!

Wednesday 4 July 2001 14:03

NP: Sonic Youth – Doctor’s Order

Ok! Alright! Yes! YOOHOO! We’re back online, thanx to the (somewhat slow) efforts of Guaka! But hey… I was the one that got us into this mess (with a little help from pH 🙂

Okay… We got the thing right on tracks… We’re ready for the show tomorrow! Guess what? It’s a full moon tomorrow-nite! hehehe…. What’ll that mean? Propaganda went well… I’m gonna get the last bit of it out there @ the university, in about half an hour… After that i’m gonna rehearse @ the lab, later on tonite Zieg will be joining us, to get those last quirks out.

I feel a bit better. It’s still so fucking hot! Shit, i’m starting to think that we’ll be able to call this a heatwave. I’m changing alot after next weekend. Gonna get a bit more serious about getting those grades… and find me a job (again!) Better to stay busy right? For all those wondering… And I bet there’s millions of you 🙂 : I am still clean. No dope. So i’m counting on it to stay that way. Which also means i’ll be doing the show (nearly) sober. Might prove interesting 🙂 

I can’t exactly give you a setlist, cuz the setlist is a bit difficult to describe! Suffice it to say that there will be a different approach to performing the music. Still there will be all the classics, perhaps a bit spiced up… But they’re there…

Okay gonna do a spot of breakfast and then i’mma get goin’… See you all tomorrownite!

Monday 2 July 2001 01:39

Offline Update

Server is still down… I hope we will have it fixed this week. I couldn’t bear waiting much longer… But i guess it is my fault.

Getting ready for the show on thursday… I have to get distribute the propaganda tomorrow… Get some rehearsing in… I was so fucking sad come saturdaymorning. But hell… I know things change… And I know I have to deal with it. Still it’s hard.

It’s soooo fucking hot in here… Temperature’s just not dropping… Even the nites are hot. Only literally I’m afraid. Haven’t seen Guaka in days… Where are you man? Just one more week. shit… pretty tough this shit…

Friday 29 June 2001 12:33

NP: The Cure – Cut

Offline Update

Wednesday and Thursday spent @ the club. Today my neighbour is leaving. My new neighbour is moving in. Server is still down… Big Time… Propaganda is ready. I drank 2 much last nite. Endgames… Have to keep from feeling sad… But i do. I do… But it’s okay… I’ll get through. I’ve quit doin’ dope a few weeks ago and I guess there’s still a lot of it in my system and I have to get it out, that takes a while and shakes me up quite a bit too. And with all the other shit going on in my life, it sure as hell makes me one unstable motherfucker. But i’m persevering. I want to see what happens. I guess…

Hard lessons Wednesdaynite… He was right though… Strong, yet wise words. I will heed them. I’ll try. I’ll have to take it slow, if I want to make it through.

Tuesday 26 June 2001 12:10

NP: The Cure – Primary

Offline Update

Did nothing sunday nite… watched Moviedrome

Monday came and went… K2 and pH were here to help get our flyers and tickets done… tickticktickin’ time… Afterwards we hung out a bit near the ruins… I ended up @ the club, quite unexpectedly with some ppl… Sat around and chatted all nite…

Couldn’t, wouldn’t sleep when i came home, so i read… up to about half an hour ago…

Now I’m not sure what to do… I feel like a ghost… I don’t quite exist… It’s so fucking hot today… Maybe i’ll sleep till soccer

Sunday 24 June 2001 20:25

Offline Update

Got back into bed that thursday… Woke up round 21.30. Went to the south, to see my mom. Didn’t sleep all nite. Drove her to Eindhoven friday, then tried to get a ride to Nijmegen, which worked quite well. Worked on the poster and flyers, finally got them done around twelve at nite… slept like a log after dropping dead around 2 am. Saturday I woke late… Undecisive about what to do… Luckily Mikey called and was in for a nite in the woods… So I called some other ppl as well, but only H showed up. Long discussions with Mikey. Later on I had a drink and some frantic talks with ppl @ the club. I’m gonna be a bit more quiet… Today woke up too early, so i decided to sleep some more… Now i’m gonna clean this place and cook me some food. Don’t know what i’ll do tonite…

Thursday 21 June 2001 15:23

NP: The Cure – Carnage Visors

Offline Update

Okay… Okay.. So I should have left the server alone… I don’t speak linux yet. So yep… I locked us out ánd the rest of the world… Mea Culpa…

I had a terrible nightmare… It spanned several days… The news of a giant meteorite headed for earth… No Hollywood rescue scenario’s, just extinction. The first fragments were burning down the city around us, so it became something more than just something academic up to the last second. Me and some of my friends, about ten years into the future from today, judging from the architecture, were frantically thinking of places to hide from this imminent death, ranging from the ridiculous (let’s hide in the basement) to the outrageous -because of the time left till impact- (let’s flee to another continent, the south pole!), even suicide was considered (carbonmonoxide-poisoning). I woke up frightened, shaken up pretty bad. I still feel a bit queezy…

Yesterday afternoon i finally made it to the lab. Spent the day reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream by Hunter S. Thompson. Strong stuff. I blazed through it in one afternoon. I forgot to eat all day, so i got a bit sick… I guess I was still digesting some of the booze, I drank the nite before. That evening I went home, bumpin’ into Guaka on my way to busstation. I cooked my food, ate, watched some tv, read a little and went to sleep around 22.30. I woke up again ’round 4am, got up, got back into bed, couldn’t sleep till 7am, but alas, with sleep came the nightmares. What a drag…

Wednesday 20 June 2001 10:36

NP: Radiohead – You and Whose Army?

Hmmm perhaps not the best of ideas to put this (previous post) on here. Maybe I’ve made some people worry… Didn’t mean to… It seems that there are even some people who resent me for keeping this log, becuz i write whatever the hell i want on here. Could be truth, could be fiction, right? Hell we all know what PhotoShop can do… ; )

Yesterday SmAids came over from B-town, obviously worried. He joined in playing soccer. Of course we made our little trip to the supermarket, hangin’ out on the street, before heading home and cooking dinner.

Met up with Guaka in the lab, where we compiled a setlist for the 5th. We ended up with 3½ hours of music, while our set will be 2½ hours long max. So we’re gonna have to cut back on some songs as well as try to do some on-stage mixing.

Talked to a girl last nite who will be able to do distribution on our flyers and posters in Arnhem. So that’ll be great. Someone offered me some taxores last nite and just for the hell of it, i took it. Perhaps that’s the reason i couldn’t sleep. Or maybe…. I feel like hanging out at the lab today… Just reading a bit… perhaps some singing… Maybe i’ll sleep a bit too… I don’t know if i feel better today… The sun is shining… perhaps that’s got something to do with it? I’m thinking about a private session with a psychiatrist… My dad offered to pay… I’m starting to wonder if that’s really such a bad idea… Privacy is becoming an increasingly strange concept. My wounds are healing, i’m still a bit black and blue in places and my head is full of bruises…

There’s such a thin line between feeling fucked and feeling fine… Letting the days go by… Acceptance is an ugly thing.

Tuesday 19 June 2001 05:19

So it finally happened, I snapped…

I got the brainfever, went berserk and was bangin stuff against my head, thrusting forks into my arm…

Finally, before i got to the knife, I saw my phone and called a friend… Now i’ve just broken down…

I can’t take it anymore, to see someone i love get hurt over and over again. I can’t take it anymore waking up everyday, wondering what i’m supposed to do with my day…

Destroy this life with passion

An ascension

Desolate like deserts

Sand in my throat

Leave me here and

Forget, if you’re thirsty

For thee

I will my blood

Let

What is this?

Submerged in despair

Nothing but foul-mouthed conversation

Where’s that knife

Plunge it in my throat

I’m so useless

so chicken

Just not able to cope

So screw me

Fuck me over

Nail me to the cross

Apply nihilation to my essence

And never grieve about the loss

Was het het waard?

Geweest verleden

Zijn tot vervelens toe

Dit refrein:

Genoeg, genoeg

Het doet pijn

I’m so tired, tired of life… My head hurts and my arm feels violated… That’s okay… I don’t mind. What i do mind is waking up tomorrow…

Monday 18 June 2001 03:10

Uninspired perhaps

Heartfelt indeed

The love i’ve felt in my life

Has often left me chained

Held

In mind’s clutches

In heart’s suffocating embrace

All these things i’m forgetting

Like your smell, your eyes

Your face

I don’t know how to

Give all of this away

This pain, this grief

This love

No-one shows up to claim it

Nobody wants a piece

Slowly the glacier times

Harden me

As i freeze

Sunday 17 June 2001 15:43

NP: The Cure – Three Imaginary Boys (live in Paris 6/7/82)

Thursday I spent @ home reading. Fridaynite we had a quiet nite in the woods, Zieg and me… Later on D&S found us there… Long walk home…

Yesterday we had a bbq @D&S’s. Pretty groovy party… H called me, so i invited her… Drank so much beaujolais, i’m still processing it out of my veins…

Woke up about an hour and a half ago by a knock on the door… Why do people hurt eachother? I do not understand.

Check out the Column-section for an impression of Isla Margarita (in Dutch). Gotta clean house now… maybe put some bread into my mouth… If i can find either… 😉

Thursday 14 June 2001 21:44

See me –> here

Thursday 14 June 2001 18:23

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Body and Soul (live)

Tuesday night spent @ the club, Menno’s birthday, saw Flow and W, b4 that was @ merleijn for a sec, saw J, but she seemed not very interested, so i left.

Yesterday S.U.B.C.O.D.E. dropped by. We had some “phun” installing my webcam, which still isn’t up and running (by the way, i may have inadvertently caused a mail queue longer than ever on our server, help!!!! Guaka!!!); later on we went to the lab, talked and jammed a little with pH and after that back once again to the club, where Cat and K were getting pretty bored. Had a bit of a laugh with Marco… Then back to my place to wait ’till the trains were running again… Guess I rolled into bed around 11am. 

Just woke up… My hayfever is driving me nuts… My outlook won’t send any msg’s anymore…. damn… Gotta find another job, tonite i’m gonna sleep…..

Tuesday 12 June 2001 15:41

NP: Download – Glassblower

Monday I worked on some more grafix for the upcoming show. Later that day I experienced a violent mood swing… At night I went to the Lab to get some practice in, with Zieg and Guaka, pH showed up as well… Sounded pretty good… Later on pH and I went to Odessa, to hear some live jazz… I got pretty drunk… Everything is pretty much a blur after that…

Woke up to the sound of my doorbell ringing. I guess they tried to deliver my webcam, but i was still so far out of it… so deep sunken into weird dreams

At last the innocent have finally slaughtered the innocent

Conversation awaken frustration just another word, just another thought, just another blade slicing through skin and arteries

Just nothing

is real

what?

why do you 

keep on I don’t why how do you

Sounds like bullshit to me…/…….3m4 80y hl./.,, ?||?<><,\I- `1 74`\PL=SU;’Q,E DSIPFJ

Monday 11 June 2001 04:01

NP: Lustmord – Sol Om On

Karma: going around and around

Crossroads: having to choose

Can’t be going on forever

Should one day be paid in full

There must be 1 path that’s…

soft sanctuary in your eyes

Caressing these eyes with words

My words stroke your feeling

It hurts again

Make it stop

It hurts, so it should

There’s a signal

There are no words in my eyes

Talk to me

Respond?

Please

Mikey dropped by, We watched a movie, then practised a bit of Wing Chun. He left around 2 am.

Spent today working on some grafix for the upcoming IndusTree-show… and just letting my mind drift. Where’s the sun?

Bring me your light

Bring me your smile

Show me your face

To make it worth my while

Day in, day out, doubting it all

The least I can do

I’ll catch you when you fall

Bruised and blackened

But alive and breathing

So everything is charged

With a whole new meaning

Sunday 10 June 2001 05:03

NP: Radiohead – Pyramid Song (LIVE)

Breaking my bones

For years just trying

To break my bones

Some blackeyed angel

To heal my wounds

Sunrise over my carcass

With a new dawn in mind

I might see here

What i’ve been trying to find

Saturday 9 June 2001 04:14

IOS was pretty fucking cool! Talked to Dan a bit… Satisfying my curiousity, pretty nice guy actually! Bought “Rules of the Game” Afterwards a short jamsession @ the lab with K2, pH, 9, Zieg and Mikey. I’m tired… Gonna go to sleep now… Try to dream nice dreams…

Friday 8 June 2001 17:59

Tickethotline and Emailservice

are fully operational!

Bring on the requests, we’ll send the tickets!

Friday 8 June 2001 14:25

NP: Radiohead – Kid A

Last nite spent @ the lab, going through the motions… Waited for hours… but no-one showed up. That’s ok… Watched a movie, really enjoyed the sounds… We got great audio there… 🙂

Afterwards, ’round 2 am, i headed downtown to the club. Another really slow nite there. Spent much of the nite talking to Marco, big part of the morning as well.

Slept 4 hours… Not too much… But oh well… Tonite IOS!

Thursday 7 June 2001 19:22

It’s confirmed!

Thursday 5th of July

LIVE @

Damage: HFL. 10,- / € 4,54

There is no exact timetable available yet.

Pre-orders will be taken through this website. Contact me HERE for tickets.

Preliminary info suggests that Zieg of The Sorry Asses will be supporting IndusTree on bass. More info as it becomes available

Thursday 7 June 2001 15:44

NP: The Cure – A Night like This

Okay… It’s been…. i think over a year now… But it’s gonna happen…. Within a month, I don’t know the exact date yet,

IndusTree

will be performing again!

So please watch this space for updates. Some info is available: the event will take place in Nijmegen, Netherlands; it seems that Diogenes‘ infamous basement will be the backdrop for this performance. Info about pricing, ticket sales and other info will be posted as soon as it’s available… So keep on coming back here, kids!

In other news: hung out @ the club last nite… not much going on there, the party i was at b4 had more people… Although Guaka seemed to be having a good time 😉

Saw Marco, G-man was there, later on C-dude showed up and nearly got into a fight right at the end. Nothing serious though… I’ll go out for a bit now. There’s some stuff I have to do

Thursday 7 June 2001 1:04

Just heard there’s a party on campus, so i’ll be jumpin’ my bike in a few and see what it’s all about. Perhaps i’ll be endin’ up @ the club later on. Don’t know… K2 is talkin’ about taggin’ along. But he’s still procrastinatin’. Gonna go now… Enough of hangin’ around here….

Wednesday 6 June 2001 20:44

NP: Skinny Puppy – Spahn Dirge (live)

Click here

Wednesday 6 June 2001 20:22

NP: Aphex Twin – Come to Daddy (video)

a243a5456a3aaaaaaa4362aaaa574aa572aarrrrr`35rrr2 3rrrr5734rrrgggggggg2346gggg1gggghh7h3hhhhhhh125hhhh1hhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a fucked up shit… Hardly slept tonite… Something is wrong I see a pattern emerging… And this pattern is always the same?

Anger… Called the mattress-people… Told them i didn’t like their way of doing things. They refused to pay me. of course…

Ban the fear, kill the doubt

Hate machine fuckfuckfuckfuckerdefuck

Blasting Fascist Jock Itch out of my overgrown speakers.

Get me back on stage.

GONNA GET _))_((__()*#(@)!*#&$(@@#$%&*(_+*(&^%$#@!#^&*()_AAAAAAATHEJOKE’S ONYOUR

LEFTALONEVACUUMINCOGNITOaMErAcSsUMIC

FUCK OFFEND OF TRANSMISSION

Tuesday 5 June 2001 15:30

And the further I get

From the things that I care about

The less I care about

How much further away I get

Robert Smith

I quit my job. Sent them a fax this morning…

I feel a bit better today. The headaches and coughing seem to have faded a bit. Haven’t been able to pick up any books yet, but i’m confident i’ll get there… (in time?)

I don’t think my life is so wild… Someone said he thought it was. This friday mr. Dan Burke will be guiding us into an Illusion of Safety @Extrapool. There’ll probably be just me and some friends. IOS is not very well known, but in the dark tuesday nights of my youth there were radioshows that familiarised me with the weirdest shit around. Including IOS. So I’m there… 🙂

Soccer in a few hours. weather’s okay. Feel like doing some shroomz, although i still don’t feel 100% okay.

I have to shake off these blues

Tuesday 5 June 2001 01:43

NP: Radiohead – Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors

Guaka came over, we’re upgrading the server… Takes a while… Went for a drink to Odessa, but no-one was there. We had some wine… Radiohead performed tonite in the Netherlands… I taped half on video and the other half in stuttering mp3. Just got Amnesiac from SmAids in mp3. Pretty good… I feel like lying down. Screw everything… Fuck everything. Fuck me? hmmm orgasm

Monday 4 June 2001 10:01

Guess that crappy music really did make me sick… Up close and personal with the porcelain… Perhaps bedways is wisest now

Monday 4 June 2001 09:42

Couldn’t sleep. Physically p hu cke d up… the world looks dull and empty… I’m not ready for another day. need sleep, but i won’t be getting any today… Gotta call my boss… tell him he can shove that job… Selling mattresses isn’t being an accountant, is it? Don’t want to be yelled at again… Gotta find a new job, gotta start this study-stuff or… well or what? I know what. It’s June… summer around the corner, but it feels empty as well. I’m turning 25 this year… Better get happy soon. I’ll see how far I get today. Better put on some good music to get me through… watching these commercial suxesses; boyband, k-otic makes me sick… Perhaps some Download

Monday 4 June 2001 01:43

summer never ended time stood still

this time this place lacked nothing

nothing but desires to kill

i wonder what your eyes see

through time’s looking glass

maybe some distant memory

found other lakes to drown in

all these things will pass

i saw you in other eyes

your essence i recall

we faded into eachother

a long long time ago

but maybe i shouldn’t bother

i have to end this show

my words are failing

that’s okay

it has been quite while

since i had anything interesting to say

Fell asleep this afternoon listening to Nocturnal Emissions. Real soothing. Dreamt really wacky stuff. Woke up. All fucked up now. Gonna go to bed again i guess

I’m gonna quit that stupid job

Sunday 3 June 2001 0:27

It still hurts when i cough. Went to the wedding. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding like this… At least I don’t remember. The whole family was there and my droogs were all dressed in suits. All except for me of course. J even bought himself some Versace and Armani threads to look his best. First there was the ceremony @ the castle, then off to our village for a garden party in SmAids’ backyard.

I went home to have some dinner, cuz they only provided for meateaters. The BBQ was in a restaurant that had a large garden with a pool, horrible dj playing horrid music…

Saw SmAid’s cousin at the wedding too… Impressive… some piercings here and there… very beautiful girl. Strange attitude towards drugs though. Couldn’t stop staring @ her… but then again, there wasn’t that much else to stare at…

We took a cab, the five of us (M, M, Zieg, J and me), when the party was over and becuz there were 5 of us in the cab Zieg was on my lap… This inspired him quite a bit, i guess, cuz he started harrassing the driver. He kept on making obscene remarks and propositions, upon which the driver pumped the breaks to get the car rocking… We all laughed our asses off….

We got to SmAids’ place to get some dope and booze, then off to my mom’s place. Drinking, smoking and talking about the wedding, we got the idea to call Dave, but he wasn’t in. So we decided to flood his mailbox hehehe…

Today I cleaned my mom’s house, then Mike and me took a train up north. Arrived here around 5, 6 pm… Haven’t been too active… Had a bit of fun playing with A. Shouldn’t take it too seriously though! 🙂 Still damn tired, gonna go to bed real soon, perhaps read a little, got a lot to do tomorrow. Miscalculated my financial-situation… I’m 500 bucks short this month, fucked up huh?

Thursday 31 May 2001 02:09

Tuesdaynite first a quick look in Merleijn, then on to the club, playing tablesoccer, with H and others. She pisses me off sometimes…

Today woke up around 1, stayed in most of the day. Had a meeting this evening. Tomorrow is my first day working as a mattress-salesman, starting at 10 till 6, afterwards down to Limbabwe for SmAids’ sissy’s wedding on friday. Saturday perhaps Dave’s birthdayparty… But i’m not sure yet. I don’t really feel like going, but i don’t have much of a choice, i guess. I hope to be back by sunday, but perhaps even sooner. Let’s hope the server don’t crash. Shit my head hurts when i cough.

Tuesday 29 May 2001 14:25

NP: Massive Attack – Group Four

Had the meeting this morning, completely useless… Could’ve stayed in bed. Sure is frustrating. Gotta somehow take this life into my own hands. I feel so goddamn weak and small.

Bought a webcam, will be delivered to my door in under two weeks, so expect some live images of the loser behind the words soon!

I have a headache… I’m gonna lie down a bit now, before the soccer game tonite. My neck hurts, my shoulders hurt. I feel fucked in general. Oh well, such is the beauty of life.

Tuesday 29 May 2001 0:08

Well I got the job… As was to be expected. Had a meeting this evening @ the club. Afterwards I stayed a little longer and watched the other half of Stirrin’ in the shit with H, helped clean up the place afterwards, had a drink and then we both left. She was talking about a hard cock. Maybe mine? Naaah… probably not.

I’m gonna start my job on thursday 10 am. But first tomorrow I have a meeting with my study-advisor and later on that day a meeting (again), I think. Soccer somewhere inbetween… Or was that meeting on wednesday… shit can’t remember. That damn wedding friday. Gotta remember to make that call for the big present. I am starting to feel really tired, which is okay… cuz then I don’t care so much anymore about all this stuff going on around me. Let it all slide on by…

Updated the music-page, added a few radiostations. The Column-section got updated as well. If you live in the UK and would like to send me a fax or voice message, that’s possible too now! Click here!

Monday 28 May 2001 05:15

NP: T.A.G.C. – ARS Electronica

Fuck Fuck Fuck!!!! I’m going nuts… I can’t sleep… This the fucking second nite in a row I can’t sleep. And tomorrow, well, in a few hours actually, I have a job-interview with the head honcho of the firm i’ll work for. I’m so pissed off, I could slit my own goddamn throat. Shit… Too late to drop that valium. Just have to find a way to become a bit more calm… And try to go to sleep again. breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out…

Monday 28 May 2001 01:37

Aaaah lame ass day today. Still my shoulder aches, I’m pondering the use of medication. There’s a choice of Valium, Paracetamol or ZEN-meditation. The first one’s addictive, the second one I don’t trust and the third… well…

Watching this movie doesn’t make me very happy. I think I should just ditch this movie and go to sleep, perhaps read a bit… Just to tenderize the eyes. This new month promisses a lot of change, whether I like it or not…

Sunday 27 May 2001 17:39

NP: Pulp – I’m a Man

I’ve had an incredible pain in my right shoulder, couldn’t even sleep. So I somehow went completely zen upon myself and discovered a thirst for sleep, which conquered my pain.

Fridaynite DAAU was pretty cool… A great combination of soft, classical music, combined with soundscapes and beats; all performed live. I was pretty much intimidated by I, she kept on staring at me and stuff. Weird shit. I should give her a call. Later on back in N-town, off to the club, where after an hour or so, G and A had a falling out. You know when people should just let eachother be? They’re it. So after a while I was the only one left and broke to boot. But somehow the drinks kept on coming and the dope as well… So eventually I staggered out the door, bumping into an acquaintance, who’d been drinking as well. We exchanged some blurry sentences, upon which we each went our separate ways. I couldn’t even make it home in time, so I soiled the TaxOffice 🙂

I had a really rough nite/day that nite/day… I slept with a bucket beside my bed, just in case. Boy, what a hangover that was. It lasted till 4 pm yesterday.

Last nite I met up with pH, J, P, M, M, H-F, H-L, T, D, D and two friends of D and headed for the Tresor-tour nite at Roosje. Had a pretty good time, but come 3 am I felt too fucked to go on, so I went home. Watched the end of Voyager, before crawling into bed and suffering for hours. Ouch my shoulder! Damn…

Sunday 27 May 2001 06:06

Distraught the mind

Their faces suddenly unkind

No way out of the most familiar nightmare

I’m trying to remain all in one

But I guess tonite’s not the nite for these kind of experiments

although I’m starting to understand what lies beneath.

Stifled like Michael and the bride and groom’s guests

Fallen as an angel softly burning the atmosphere

Surprised to be here

What are you waiting for?

Words are failing that’s okay.

Reactionary

The way to sanctuary

I see them slide back into oblivion

What is this place still doing here?

What am I to do with this?

Friday 25 May 2001 18:30

Added an InDusTradio-button for your listening pleasure. Straight from Live365.com!

Wednesday nite spent jammin’ @ the Lab, afterwards gettin’ boozed up at the club.

Thursday Mikey called and we went to the forest, had great conversations and a beaut of a fire.

Today I decided to take the job, Went to deliver money into my account to save myself from trouble, went shopping, saw G-man and C-man, who told me DAAU are playing in Arnhem tonite @ the GoudvisHal, so I decided that that’s where I’ll be tonite. 🙂 

Tomorrow there’ll be a party @ roosje. Josh, Dave, SmAids, Zieg, Mikey, perhaps H-L & Tom, pH and who else?

SmAids told me some weird shit about being accused of being in a conspiracy!? hehehe Gotta go make me some food!

Wednesday 23 May 2001 15:50

NP: Manu Chao – La Despedida

Amazing weather, it’s really nice and warm, sunny. Women walking by dressed in sunny summercolours. It’s nice to sit here and watch them. Although it’s a bit dangerous, the fear of gliding into melancholy.

The weeks pass by

Summer drifts in, like a piece of ship

onto a shore

No guidance, no compass

The burden of freedom

What to do with all this time

Tonite S is coming over, Later on there might be a forestgathering.

These posts like the days they seem so the same. I don’t mind, but it makes me wonder.

Tuesday 22 May 2001 23:36

Oh Yeah!!! Check this out!!

Monday 21 May 2001 19:14

Last nite was fun… Played djembe in the club to the beats. Pretty cool. Bought Scarum.com…well licensed it for another year.

Columns has been updated again.

Tomorrow I have a job-interview @ 2 pm.

Sunday 20 May 2001 17:59

Friday was pretty hectic. 3 halls, just the two of us. I was running pretty much all of the time doing one show in this part of the huge complex, then doing another show in another part. 2000 somalians celebrating the 10th anniversary of the independance of Soomaaliland. Around 1900 hours, i thought i’d done enough to deserve the pay, so i went home.

Went for a drink with grandmaster P, ended up @ the club. Rolled out of there around 5.

Yesterday woke up late, went shopping for groceries. Then off to the restaurant for dinner with Drs. P, Richy and K. Good meal. Stopped for a drink @ O’ Shea’s, then off to the forest, for a campfire, some wine and some spliffs. Banged the boogy till early dawn. Have to do some cleaning up real fast, get me a shower and then off to another restaurant for a meal with Guaka. Later on i’ll probably hang out @ZAMA. ‘ll Try to get up a little early tomorrow. We’ll see. Oh right. I should smile more… 🙂

Oh yeah, new stuff over in the Column-section!

Friday 18 May 2001 1:52

Oh yeah… Tuesday was pretty cool. Had a nice evening at the club, went home with H. So drunk. Wednesday not too much going on. Guaka came over, we copied the server, to upgrade the os on the original. Then went for a drink to the club. Met up with Trebla. Today, answered some email, had a talk with my future employer, Sander dropped by later on. Tomorrow I’m gonna be a light-and-sound engineer at a festival in Leiden, yeah i know… What the fuck? No clue, will fill in the blanks later. Probably will end up with some cash tomorrownite, but i won’t be back till late.

Tuesday 15 May 2001 4:04

NP: Ference – Terrorama Soundtrack

check out this: Porno-version man, fuck this shit… I’m gonna go to bed now

Monday 14 May 2001 23:43

Conversations ended up a bit buzzy. Emails sent today. Meeting went well. Saw H, she’s cute. I’m bored, watching some stupid cartoon. Maybe I’ll go to O for a bit. Haven’t been there in quite a while. But on the other hand, I might be better off getting in some good sleep. I’m not sure yet. Wish someone would save me

Sunday 13 May 2001 23:59

NP: Radiohead – Planet Telex

I went to Wageningen last nite. Sat in forests, played djembe, overcame my fear of heights. Didn’t sleep much. Met up with H to go for a swim/casual afternoon @ wylermeer. Nice. Tonite I came over. I don’t know somehow the atmosphere was a bit frosty. She left real soon. She’s got a new bf, I guess that’s one of the reasons. Maybe we just don’t have that much in common after all. I don’t know. Whatever.

Damn, it’s not even possible to just send an email to someone without the mail being intercepted and answered. What the FUCK? Whatever.

I had half a bottle of wine, think i’m gonna down the rest of it, find my stash and head on out to the park for a bit, just to see if there are some people out and about…. oh wait up, pH is icq’ing me!

Saturday 12 May 2001 15:59

Wednesdaynite: last Radio303 show, Thursday: bakin’ in the sun, Rosso came over and together with H, Flow, Zelk and Yug, we sat in the forest with a campfire, just chillin’ ’till the early morning come. Friday: just hangin’ around all day, too damn hot to do anything. Fridaynite saw the end of Radio Rataplan, I paid my respects. A campfire on the beach ensued… 50-75 people, drunk, on drugs. I left there when the sun came up, I felt sober. Today A came by to work on my pc for some schoolproject. I left her at the reproshop and went for my sunglasses and djembe. I called Josh to see if there was anything up tonite and apparently we’re gonna meet up in Wageningen for a nite of techno @ Unitas

Wednesday 9 May 2001 17:09

NP: :Zoviet*France – On the edge of a grain of sand

Tuesday I went for a job-interview. I’m gonna hear about it next week. Selling matrasses. 🙂 Soccergame… damn… hard work and a lot of bruises. Trying to figure out what to make of these bills. Friend in despair. Hard to accept… acknowledging troubles

Dj Michael has a birthday today! Happy B-day, man!

Monday 7 May 2001 22:15

Saturday: hung out with the bouncers @ the club, no-one else to talk to… Came home around 6, cleaned up a bit

Sunday my mom arrived for a visit. We talked and went for a stroll through town. Afterwards we had a nice dinner @ de Plak. Then she left again.

Later that evening I met up with Josh, H-F, Tom, H-l and da Zieg for a very boring movie, seemed to last forever. Bah… Leaving behind us a beautiful sunday, we all went our ways… I o.d.’ed on SouthPark that nite.

Today was a day spent @ the lab. Now tonite The Andromeda Strain is on! A classic! Might watch that. Tomorrow I HAVE to attend class. Otherwise I might get into trouble 🙂 Oh well… That’s enough.

Before I forget, check out the Column-section for interesting pieces of mind!

Saturday 5 May 2001 19:35

Old news… apparently, but very funny! check THIS out!

Friday 4 May 2001 17:20

It seems Rataplan is gonna go down. It sucks big time ass… We’re not sure why they’re closing it down… Wednesday I dropped by in the studio and we jammed for a bit… Pretty cool.

Thursday morning I overslept, but our “landlords” never showed… Spent a nice day hanging out and talking to M, sat outside on the balcony, enjoying the weather. Had a meeting later on. Nice dinner, good company…

Got really really really drunk last nite… From yuppie-hangout to the club, drinkin’ drinkin’ drinkin’ oh boy.

This morning when I got home I watched about 4 episodes of Voyager before passing out.

gonna get me some grub… Stabilize this stomach…

Wednesday 2 May 2001 19:58

NP: Lights in a Fat City – Memory Ground

After soccer (6 goals, i think), we had an emergency meeting concerning the Lab. Afterwards some drinks @ the club with Dj Michael, saw Trebla, Anne and G-man dropped by…

Picked up my bike today… Tonite S is coming over 🙂 Tomorrow morning 11:30 meeting @ the Lab, with representatives of the owners… Later on that day i have a meeting. Beautiful day today. Even though i didn’t see too much of it. I slept really long. Had some weird dreams. Dreams that make me want to write again. Maybe a scary children’s story… I don’t know…

Monday 30 April 2001 21:53

Saturday was spent indoors… Watchin’ a movie. Boring… hehehe. Yesterday we all got together in Mikey’s old place in NevoHdniE for the TECHNONONSENSE party with Rick Angel. Pretty cool to have the ol’ gang back together again. It doesn’t happen as much as i’d want to, these days. Luckily Chaim thought of clearing out some rooms to accommodate us, sleepywise…

Rick Angel actually wasn’t all that good… The guy that did the “inbetween”-set really kicked some ass, though! Good fucking acid!

Today after coming home, I eventually put myself to work. The place is clean and tidy! Very nice. Missed all the performances @oranjepop.nijmegen.nl, just wasn’t up to it… I’m going to go to the club in a few hours just to hang out a bit with my friends. In the meantime… Crappy television

Saturday 28 April 2001 19:48

Spent fridaynite playin’ table-soccer, good fun… Not much else… Saw [email protected]

Added a forum, so you folks can directly respond and communicate with me and everyone else… Follow the link from the menu.

It’s incredible, the shit you see on tv… They call it music, but it’s just a rip-off. It gets me really irritated. Some stupid r’n’b cunt whose producers decided to make her sing some lame-ass lyrics, but not bother with actually creating new music, so it sounds like Bowie, but it’s not a cover. ah fuck it…

Tomorrow we’re gonna go to TechNoNonsense, hopefully it’ll be fun.

Doomsday 27 April 2001 18:01

Wow… What a day.

The energy-bill dropped on our doormat, we have to pay two-thirds of our advance-pay extra, I guess we’re running some kind of heavy equipment here 24/7, we must be, to have this kind of bill. But no, everything seems to check out and we’re just gonna have to pay it.

Our rent increased by 2.5%, which isn’t thát much, but other costs have been increased as well, so it’s gonna be more like a 14% increase. Do we get more pay? No of course not.

Suddenly there is another letter, stating that we are gonna lose the lab, because there is a party interested in renting the whole building. A bigger fish, so they kick us out. Final notification next week.

Wednesday ended up @the club, thursday spent @the lab with pH, today spent having a headache, talking way too much on the phone and gently cultivating a slowly growing panic…

I have to clean this place up and do some cooking. Just keep going, don’t think, don’t…

Wednesday 25 April 2001 20:22

Feeling a bit better still… What a virus, that bitch sure as hell had me down and out for a while. They’re uppin’ the rent… asswipes…. Life’s great isn’t it?

Check out Scott’s Litany, if you’re interested in seeing Ogre answer some tough questions from fans. Some of my questions are in the race as well. The big day is about a week or two away.

Got some news from “I”, she’s down in Granada right now, for half a year, doing research. Gave her a call. Weird… I’ve been down there twice… Want to go there again… hmmm

Finally got paid by the way… hmmmm….. Bills….. hmmmmm…….

Tuesday 24 April 2001 21:50

NP: The Cure – Lullaby (extended mix)

Feeling a bit better. We have the server up and running, although it seems that there are a few glitches and shit that need to be smoothed out. Went to the soccergame, just to burn out some more of that disease… ‘Twas pretty heavy on my body, but I feel that it might have been benificial.

Tonite Zieg is dropping by, to watch their gig of a few weeks back. Still have to do dinner, so i’m gonna cook now.

This weekend I might go to see Rick Angel in NevohdniE with m’boys…

Sunday 22 April 2001 11:45

NP: Pulp – Monday Morning

Still sick as a dog. “Luckily” the coughing up blood stopped. Guess it was my throat. Damn everything hurts, my head, my back, my arms, my fingers even. This is a bad case of the flu

We’ll probably be out of the air in a few hours, cuz we’re moving the server. Hopefully we’ll be back online tomorrow afternoon.

Gonna clean this place, to keep my mind off the pain. Hopefully Guaka will drop by later with the necessary equips. Well I should be getting started now. ouch… moan… bitch… aaaarhhhhggg….

Saturday 21 April 2001 17:42

Damn… Haven’t felt this bad in a long time. Been coughing up blood as well… I’m hoping it’s my throat, otherwise I might not make it to complete the first year of this log.

Thursday was a pretty cool nite. A lot of people were @ the club. Even some folk who I hadn’t seen in a long time. Friday I stayed in, come fridaynite i suddenly felt completely fucked. So I dove into Maldoror to distract myself a bit.

Still no pay.

There was a party last nite, but I didn’t feel up to it. Had a really bad nite…

So what now? I’m gonna try to take it easy, clean up the place a bit. Guess I’ll get into bed again early. Feel so fucking sick.

Thursday 19 April 2001 06:08

Quiet days… Stayed in tonite as well… Couldn’t sleep so I read Maldoror.

@5 am the phone rang… Guaka was on the phone, asking if he could crash here. So I asked him where he was… Should have known… They were all hangin’ out @ the club.

I threw on my poncho and strolled on over… All pretty wasted, without coats or sweaters, gotten into a cab from a free beer fest at The Kram(p) and were now at a loss. After pining a bit for some girl called Nanda, we decided to go to Genesis, a late nite, early morning, Metallica-infested booze-cellar, where the lonely, the drunk and the depraved meet after hours.

Since i was sober like knäckebröt, I had soon had my fill. C-man had already decided to engage the long journey home, walking in nothing more than a leisurely summer-blouse. G-man decided to take me up on my offer to get him a coat…

And Guaka, well… he remained in Genesis and I can only hope everything turns out okay, as i think he might still be there, slugging away beers and sipping transient joints. Bon Voyage, mon copain… See you tomorrow…

Oh and my former employer… Still didn’t pay me! Fuckers!

Tuesday 17 April 2001 23:43

Hmm still no pay from my former employer. damn…

And when you’re no longer searching for beauty or love

Just some kind of life with the edges taken off

When you can’t even decide what it is that you’re frightened of

This gun will be here

smooth silently time slides on

were there seasons, i’d watch them change

strength fading, hope paling

trapped in here it seems strange

senseless and useless and all of this

i’d trade, to be trapped in a moment

in a blissfull kiss

Gonna get me a drink with my last money.

Monday 16 April 2001 19:46

Stayed in all thru easter… last day today. russians copy human brain… wtf? irritation all around. literaly wake up. sleep now. ease out of it. slide into it. no religion. dark matter energy… magic quantum stuff. 4th dimension collision prevention. scientific beliefs. Biggest consumption fest far beyond and above Xmas, and i have no money… blind can’t look at myself. smell it now. can’t smell… awaken from nightmares… wlcm t sft cnt vn mgn nmr wht t wld b lk t mk lv t smn wh lvs m

Friday 13 April 2001 19:40

Presentation on wednesday went well… Watched some movies, Thursday Guaka returned from India and we met up in a coffeeshop, where we smoked some, had a drink. Later that afternoon we went to the studio where we jammed ’till 2 a.m.

Woke up late today. Don’t know if the shops are open today, i have to get some groceries. It’s cold… Don’t know what i’ll do tonite. Not much to do I guess… Maybe i’ll do some reading.

carcasses hanging from trees, gastanks ready to pop, china-us relations, cincinatti madness, live executions… Timmy’s gonna die… What a wonderfull world

Tuesday 10 April 2001 22:07

Sunday nothing at all, monday not too much, I called… Don’t know why… She turned away a while back, So ’twas just a freezy dinner, later on I had a meeting @ the club. Today scored 4 out of 7 @ soccer game… pretty cool… Tomorrow I have to do a presentation on Kant… Which I’ll have to prepare tonite… Headache ouch

Sunday 8 April 2001 08:13

Got extremely bored this evening…..

So i searched and searched….found this one:

Round 4 am i went to the club, had a few drinks, saw H, met Linda, saw M, she’s so cute when she’s drunk, hell of a nite…

gonna go to sleep now…

Saturday 7 April 2001 14:44

Went to see a movie last nite with Mikey. We sat so close to the screen, which was huge, that I nearly passed out… Really uncomfortable. Movie was ok though… Afterwards a drink at the club and then home. Not too eventfull, not too empty. Today sun is shining through clouds. Sometimes. I’ll jump in the shower in a minute, do some shopping and hopefully do some reading. Still no money from my former employer.

Friday 6 April 2001 03:42

Did I mention I got sacked? They are apparently going downhill pretty fast, workplaces are being cut back on, no new investments… Yeah I’m talking about Macropolis.nl. Fuckers… First you work for em, they don’t talk to you, they don’t let you know whether or not you’re doing your job well, then they tell you after a month to fuck off… Without payment. They told me i should have signed some papers they never gave me… and if i hadn’t called, i probably still wouldn’t have been paid… Haven’t got the money yet, though… They promised me to get it in my account by the end of this week… And i thought it was all going down pretty nicely… Actually liked the job… shit…

Thursday 5 April 2001 17:53

Last nite was fun… H was here… We talked and drank wine, later on she proposed to go to the club… Which was fun, Lots of people there. It got pretty late and at the end there was a nice get together outside. M was there too, she’s cute 🙂 Drank so damn much… I woke up @ 11 am, so i decided to get back to bed to get the stabilizers back online.

Wednesday 4 April 2001 19:06

Never slept monday… Well a bit in the afternoon… cleaned tha house… Dove into the books a bit… Tuesday there were classes, i actually attended! =) Scored 7 out of 10 points in our weekly soccer match… Did some more studying, then went to “Vapour”, the tuesday nite event @ the club. Only for an hour though… I was so tired. Safely tucked into bed, i slept for 14 hours straight… Dreaming of venereal disease and other weird goings on…. Tonite H is coming over to do some design work for the club and after that she and i perhaps will enjoy a drink somewhere… Keep on trying to fly straight….

Monday 2 April 2001 05:35

Indeed thursday nite ended in drunken frenzy… She walked me home, but I guess there’s no way this is gonna happen… Not when friends hang in my doorway. Friday “The Sorry Asses” played a gig, which was pretty cool… I videotaped it for posterity. Don’t think they’ll win though. Not mainstream enough. His girlfriend’s sister is so amazingly beautiful… She blew me away. Anyway… DJ 4-i’s, his ex, g+c, Cat and my future neighbour and her girlfriend were all there and we got stoned and drunk… I got so drunk actually that i don’t quite recall going home. Next day I woke up pretty damn late. Didn’t do too much… Met up with Anne and hung out a bit @ gonzo… I hate that place… So i didn’t stay too long. @ the club I talked to DJ 4I’s and his job as Leon‘s Sidekick. They’re doing pretty good I hear. Inspiring, I must say.

Today I woke up a little earlier, cleaned the house and watched some tv. Had a long hard think… Don’t know if it will get me anywhere, this new train of thought…. But at least I should try to keep the flow going. It’s already early morning again. I don’t think I will sleep today. Gonna clean the rest of the house now and after that I’m gonna be reading a bit. Been thinking about that other girl again. Damn those blue eyes. =) Wonder if the weather has really made that final turn towards spring. Means my hayfever is coming again… Damn… It’s supposed to be pretty warm weather tomorrow. Strange… Winter doesn’t seem too far away. I think there might be a change coming. Perhaps the past will be sold… faded into memory… Wondering where you’re going with this…

Story telling in this twilight hour

Wonder if you would believe me

Or would our gathering turn sour

Leaving me to watch you flee

I’ve been aware for quite a while of your reservation

That’s okay… I’ll never be lonely

Despair has been a steady companion

Wish for something to ward off frustration

All these years waited in vain

Daybreak sunlight black patches eye-stain

Black tears

Thursday 29 March 2001 23:03

Drinks after burning…. Didn’t go to bed until 1 this afternoon… Slept till 8 this evening, hung around… shopped for food… Cooked…. Watched bullshit about our new queen to be….. and well….maybe, I’ll have a drink later on. What else…. Work tomorrow….

Wednesday 28 March 2001 21:11

NP: The Cure – Homesick

Let’s see if I can piece together what happened over these past few days…

Last thursday-evening SMaids showed up and we ended up partying again. Friday we had a dinnerparty @ Zieg’s; 20 ppl all cooking their meals themselves on grills and boozin’ it up. Wodka, Whiskey, Tequila, Beer, Wine, hell we even smoked some… Wacked-ass night. Afterwards we lounged till 6 @ the club.

There were plans to go to a “SemTech”-party, but we were too fucked. So we blew the whole thing off. Seems to have been a good idea. Instead me, zieg and H went to see Traffic. Pretty good portrait of how intricate and entangled the dope-web is. We met up with DTphonehome and Sylvia in ‘O Shea’s; the local Irish pub, where Cat works. I spent the evening talking to H, who fascinated me quite a bit. Crazy stories. Of course later on back to the club. Drunk, fucked up (what tales the winds tell, the ears are suffering their passive powers), stupid mouth.

Sunday never happened. Worked monday. Met up with pH and strolled to Odessa to hear some live jazz. Blunted up with Bunt and stumbled home again.

Tuesday i rang up a lot of ppl to help me with the interviews, but no-one seemed to have time nor the mood to help me. So finally, I rang up DieuLaCherie, who agreed to help me. We conducted interviews @ the railwaystation, the mall and in the streets. After about 2 hours we went back to my place and I started editing like mad. These interviews were going to be a part of the small cultural festival we do once every three months @ the club. So finally three quarters of an hour past my deadline, the video was done and I raced to the club. Preparations were underway. So we set up and did the festival. It was mad and chaotic, but eventually it all worked out, in fact it was great. Later on there was a small party for one of our colleagues.

This month was a financial disaster, so yesterday when i tried to withdraw money from the bank, so i could get my pizza (no time to cook… the festival was takin’ up some time), the machine told me to fuck off… oops. So the few drinks i had last nite really hit the spot. SMaids came over from B-town to see our friends The Sorry Asses play @ the festival and stayed at my place. So about three or four we went to my place, ate some and fell asleep. I woke up about two, three hours ago…

I wish I could explain to you

without shedding a tear

I wish i could remember things

without getting to near

I can’t explain beyond what i know

So forgive me your inconvenience

or just let me go

Fuck, I have to copy some cd’s… Sometimes i wonder… why do i do these things for ppl, without ever getting anything back? Maybe… that’s not entirely true, but sometimes it sure as hell feels that way.

Thursday 22 March 2001 16:54

NP: The Cure – A Chain of Flowers

Finally saw the inside of the university again. It was quite the revelation: it still bores the shit out of me. Funny, apparently there was one teacher who misses my input. Heard the new ohGr album. Pretty damn good.

Had a nice nite last nite, chillin’ out with my good friend, who’d asked me for dinner. Although her cooking was a bit well… experimental, the wine helped us wash it down.

There was a party @ the club, got drunk, well you know the story. A friend of mine got way too much attention from too many girls. Damn 🙂

Today my phone got cut (at my request), so the only way to contact me now, is thru email, icq (#21300736) or cell-phone (+31 (0)6 249 044 38)

Gotta go… DS9 is on, the Dominion is invading 🙂

Tuesday 20 March 2001 18:01

Dreams of dead colors… Little alligator creatures swimming, bobbing like corpses, white and boney

I wonder what it means. With water and wetware books, i shove them out…

The window looks like it’s open only for a short period of time. I’m not sure if i’m supposed to leave through there as well…

Dipping in and out of dreams sleeping madly for an hour. Wake me with panicbreaths. wake me freak me out, as if that’s gonna help.

Played our little match again today. 6 of us. That’s 3 against 3. That’s too hard. I’m wondering… I seem to lack a lot of answers. Detachment, only thing I can hope for.

Monday 19 March 2001 18:01

NP: The Cure – Last Dance

Friday nite, went for drinks with Peter and Mikey and were later joined by G-man… It was pretty fucking boring. There was nobody around and we just lounged. At the end it got a little weird.

Saturday was kind of a hectic day. Cleaned the house and had just little time left to bike over to her place to talk about what happened. Well it’s true they split up, but apparently not becuz of me… i guess. She acted like i was the only one that felt anything… So i guess there wasn’t as much between us, as i thought.

D-man and smAids arrived by train and we smoked out a bit @ my place. Later on we went to Doornroosje, where we would meet J, H-F, H-L and T, Ramon was there as well. Now why would we want to go to this club? Becuz there was an acid/electro party, people from Zodiak Commune were kicking it. Very nice.

Sunday I felt okay, but as the day progressed i started to feel physically fucked up. SmAids left early, D-man stayed for dinner. I watched some X-crap and went to bed… But as the night crept in I started to feel really bad. So my intentions to go to work today did not work out. Which is fucked up cuz i need the money. I feel a bit better now, but still not too hot…

so what… tell me is this all illusion don’t pretend.. have you been talking bullshit? what do i feel why would i feel? i don’t feel too much… but that’s okay… somehow… i don’t know perhaps i’m changing? is it possible in such short time… want to try want to see want to make it with me? I’ll wait for your call

Friday 16 March 2001 17:40

NP: Jayz – Big Pimpin’

Added a translation of a german interview by skinny tom, from the Crazy Clip Show, with Ogre, singer for Skinny Puppy for y’all… Find it here

In other news… I might have been mistaken. Perhaps I should have had a bit more faith, we’ll see. I’m not too sure what to believe and think. She sent me a message… Don’t know what to think of it yet… Big Acid Party tomorrow! Gonna freak my ass off!

Thursday 15 March 2001 12:46

R. Smith

Like a feeling that I’m down

Down inside my heart

Like I’m looking out through

Splitting blood red

Rainbows in my heart

From a higher up than heaven

And a harder down than stone

Shake the fear that always clawing

Pulls me clawing down alone

As I spitting splitting blood red

Breaking windows in my heart

And the past is taunting

Fear of ghosts

Is forcing me apart

And the further I get

From the things that I care about

The less I care about

How much further away I get…

I am lost again

With everything gone

And more alone

Than I have ever been

I expect you to understand

To feel it too

But I know that even if you will

You cannot ever help me

Nor can I

Ever help you

Wednesday 14 March 2001 19:05

What a face

What a smile

What would happen

When after a while

You’d be ready for this?

Would your face change

Into an expression of eternal bliss

Wanna find out

What it would mean to me

To have you as pure

As you could ever be?

lost @ soccer, played ok, though… too bad, fruitfull meetings and drinks @ half cost… homeward trying to even out…

Chaotic license to ill

It’s only tomorrow afternoon

I’m presented the bill

I’ll be in shock, I’ll be terrified

That I wasted another day

By living another nite

Glad to speak to * again… She had a crisis, which she chose not to tell me about… I was surprised that she didn’t call me…. Everything seems to be in order now… I’ll meet her next week.

All around me, everywhere i go

nothing ever changes although

they all know, it could be a difference

it could change in a blink

I look into eyes, nothing changes

and as everyone dies one second at a time

we survive ‘cuz there’s no alternative to this

How many of us would choose it, if offered?

A life in rhyme, harmonized with it all

I compromised, confronted and lied

What is it? What to choose? Are you getting a kick out of it?

Is it good for you?

Can it be that eventually it could be good for all?

She’s ill… It makes it harder for me… cuz i felt for her… and i feel for her… should i call her? Don’t want to make it harder on her… Damn…

Monday 12 March 2001 18:34

Friday nite was slow… Went to bed really early. Saturday early morning start… 8 o’ clock awakenings, waited till 12 to get up. Installed a pc at a relative’s place, took some more time than i hoped, but okay.. got half the job done, the 33k modem was too old and i guess too fucked. I had plans for dinner that nite in a small mexican restaurant with a cute blonde, who happens to be a good friend as well! 🙂 Amazing to see that the ugliest city on earth is still as obnoxious as ever. Drinks are so much cheaper there, but the accommodations are hell. Later on I eventually got to a freaky party, met up with some old familiar faces.

Drove home with J, H-F, H-L, and Mikey… Did some dishes, cleaned, “forgot” to cook and was pleased to find “I” in the same mood as me, namely up for drinks and conversation. We sat at home and talked, then she proposed to go for drinks. Got kicked out of 2 bars, “sorry people, time’s up”. Don’t know what to think of the things that were said. I know I’ve been honest though. Think she was too.

Worked today. Just got back. freezy phone conversations. Whole different atmosphere… too bad. What’s up with that? How about making some decisions? :/

Friday 9 March 2001 15:17

NP: The Cure – Play for Today

Well oh well oh well…. All your servers are belong to us….

Finally everything is up and running again… Right after the last update we had a powersurge and everything went down, i think even half of the city’s computers had a trashcan-experience. But thanx to our BackUpGuru we are back in bizniz.

Okay… Let’s see… On monday, not too much happened. I think… Can’t remember all that clearly. Tuesday I had a meeting at the club; afterwards I went for drinks and further exploratory conversation with I, ’till very late.

On wednesday I thought it was time to shake my booty at the PPParty, which was fun.

Last nite was spent @TheLab.

I’m headed for the southern regions in about an hour. Got a dinner planned tomorrow evening with I (other) and some thing I promised I’d help with… hmmmm damn…..complications….

Monday 5 March 2001 16:31

NP: Aphex Twin – Weathered Stone

okay… I’m still tired. Fine. don’t matter.

Friday Smaids was over from B-town and she was here as well, as was P. We had drinks and went into town. Good time was had by all. Later on we went to the club. And on and on. Drunk as a mothafucka.

Saturday. Big nite. Literature-competition. Called her. Smaids, D & S, and some other friends. Well as predictions go, i was pretty much on the money. So we didn’t win. Went for drinks afterwards. Groovy little café, They play mainly records. If that’s not all they do. Really good time. Was feeling great. Later on, things changed i guess. Smaids went for tha beddy after puking all day and feeling miserable on his birthday. Of course we ended up in the club where i just plain ol’ drank too much. After coming home, i got up close and personal with the toilet. Which was nice 😉

After a while I found myself on the desk, dreaming of sleep. So i crawled into bed and never even saw SmAids leave.

Yesterday was a slow day. Trying to gather and regroup myself. But of course something went wrong: a friend called and i invited him over, so we smoked some and watched movies till six. ouch. oh well. no work no college today. Tomorrow is gonna be early though. That’s okay.

Possibly the only way

to live this life

Surrounded, enshrouded

In doubt

Just adjusting

Admitting

Surrender, my beautiful god-like son

All these beercoasters c o v e r e d in words meaningless perhaps, endearing, i don’t think so. Waste of space maybe.

Surprise me with that look

That smile that’s carried

across the ages

The love, the pain

The life spoken about

by the Sages

The new god, the godess

Sublimely

Harmoniously

Conjugated

?

All our DNS troubles are over. Thank you W! Mail and everything is operational again.

Thursday 1 March 2001 4:29

NP: The Cure – Home

Had a blast on monday @ Odessa, the live jazzjoint in town… Pretty cool music, great people…. Tuesday, after playing soccer in a minimalist fashion, I got my rocks off doing a poster for a local industrial festival. Take a peek! After that me and pH went to the club, hangin’ out, just chillin’… 1.l32.5 .460.23 50 Suddenly we got the spirit and went to LAB with another southerner and made music for hours… These recordings may be available online someday. I’m a bit behind grabbing and encoding… 🙂 Tonite we said goodbye to ThaFluff…(A member of ArtEfficiency) He’s off to Cameroon for research. He’ll be back in 5 months. We met up in the LAB, with DT, Fluff’s girl and a few other people. Rode back through the rain. Trying to go to work tomorrow… We’ll see… I feel strange.

Sunday 25 February 2001 19:13

Okay… I don’t get it… We have a lot of problems with our DNS, so some of our domains are not available. Same with many of the emailaddresses, sorry for the inconvenience people, we’re addressing the problem. If you would like to contact me, use 

[email protected]

Well apparently someone wasn’t too happy about the “India”-section of this website, so IT IS GONE… (some explanation would be appreciated).

Had a lot of time to think friday night, which was pretty good, i guess i needed that. I had fun yesterday, went for a nice walk and drink afterward and had me dinner cooked for me 🙂 Weird conversations last nite… confusing stuff. Maybe we should talk some more… and more… If this is indeed mutual… oh i don’t know. I have difficulty believing, i guess. Forget about it.

Went to a houseparty around 3am, pretty cool. Lame sounds though… but good atmosphere. Hmmmm… Work tomorrow

Friday 23 February 2001 04:19

Back from the lab… where i did some studyin’, readin’ and singin… Pining as well i guess. Boy, is it hard to feel okay… I miss sitting behind a desk, computer and just staring into the screen, till it vanishes and gives way to these visions, that seem to come out of nowhere, perhaps projected outward by my mind. I love to feel my fingers just go and go wild on the keyboard, not monitored or controlled by my eyes, freedom. You’re a sad fuck, if you’re missing things before they’re gone, becuz you know you’re gonna regret never appreciating them enough right now. All the things you’ll wish you’d done, but never did and never will, cuz you’re too busy worrying about those future torments. Gimme some credit on misery. It’s gonna be carnaval in the south next week. That’s always a sure memory trigger, whether i’m there or not… I haven’t been there in the last couple of years. Are thoughts able to transform themselves into memories? Or can only experiences become memories? I’m not sure. How much storage-space is there…? How damaged do the memories get when they’re compressed, encoded? 

With early sleep you’ll master facts

No late sleeper wisdom lacks

Tongue tied

Legs wide

Beautiful face

Orgasmic grace

Dream together

Stormriders brave

Apocalyptic weather

Alarmbells ring

Slave thing

I’m hearing sounds… Outside. Thursday nite mayhem. Skip

Wednesday 21 February 2001 01:24

Missed some appointments today, even though i slept really early last nite. Don’t understand. Whatever, went to soccer, lost… of course, went to the lab, made some music, i did some learning this afternoon as well. Damn can’t find any peace… 

oh by the way, please do me the courtesy of leaving your email address or any other means of contacting you, if you have anything to comment about my website, becuz when i get stuff like this:

Sender IP: 24.26.203.43

Subject: From Scarums Cave

very boring and sophmoric site. Total waste of time. The electronica (boring again, didn”t really say anything) was just a spacer for the lack of substance. Anyway, nice layout, but don”t try to be so scary-cary nextime.

Love ya babe, Jesus H. Christ.

i’m just not able to take it seriously. : ) So, if you have anything to say about it, that’s worth sending me, (whether you believe this site to be utter utter shite, or the cream of the crop, i don’t care) please do send it to me, but grant me to satisfy my curiousity, and let me contact you about it.

Damn, I didn’t want to give it this much attention but now i did…. 😉 We had a small problem with our DNS, but it seems to be (partly) resolved. This week the connection is gonna move to my place, so we might be out of the sky for hopefully just half a day. that’s it…

Monday 19 February 2001 21:56

Had my first day at the new job, pretty good. It’s not too hard the work you gotta do, it’s actually quite relaxing. Had a really early start, and of course the damn train was late again. But oh well. I’m gonna go to bed now. I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow, starting with classes early tomorrow morning.

Bad relations, someone say

But I don’t want nothing to change

Wishing for some high energy.

Sunday 18 February 2001 22:38

Never made it to the lab… Work tomorrow, early start. Tired, bit fucked up, don’t feel too happy. I’ll just better go to bed… Gonna play me aPHEX – SAW I&II and dream about other places and better times. Different me.

Sunday 18 February 2001 18:12

IndiaUpdate!

Sunday 18 February 2001 17:10

NP: JayZ – HardKnockLife

There’s some blue coming thru the clouds… Trying to take it easy, did m’chores, now gonna chill a bit, a little college stuff to do. Gonna go to the lab tonite, i guess, do some relaxing over there. Write a bit if I get the chance and the inspiration… The party was bangin’ last nite… Sure as hell drank a lot, started with voddy even b4 the meal… We was bobbin’! Strange though, how you can feel comfy with someone and then when you meet them in public, it gets a bit awkward. But hell, what to do about it? I dunno. Guess I’ll just keep a low profile. That might be better in more situations. 

When in doubt: Schnautze!

Saturday 17 February 2001 19:00

NP: The Cure – Pictures of You

Cough, cough… Still a bit fucked. Oh well richy m’boy has a b-day today. We’re going out to dinner with a bunch of buddies and buddettes… Probably good fun. What a week… Someday I’m gonna understand all this and hopefully laugh about it.

Monday is my first day on the job. I’m really curious about how it feels to be working again. 

IndiaUpdate!

My homey SmAids arrived just a few minutes ago, begging for a shower, so he’s cleansing himself right now… Glad he’s here. He looks pretty much on the up and up. Can’t be said for me, i’m afraid. I’m so thirsty. Gonna drink some water now….

Friday 16 February 2001 01:05

NP: The Cure – Maybe Someday

Recreation is a far cry from this

The only alcoholic way

The promise of a kiss

Beyond six

Don’t look back

Just lie, be calm

Cut yourself some slack

What did you expect?

Words of wisdom

That’s a lie

Lying is play

Remember?

Words are failing

That’s okay…

Tuesday 13 February 2001 14:03

NP: Radiohead – Sulk

Still sick. Damn. I feel a bit better, but not well enough to attend classes. I will tomorrow though… Gonna chill out a bit today. J is dropping by later, to collect some money and show me some pictures… which is nice, i’m glad to see him again. And yes another IndiaUpdate! Should find some time sometime to learn how to prog, so this kinda shit is automated : ) Sometimes I really do wonder about all the ppl that get to my site thru these bogus ; ) metatags… Do they check it out, or do they just scan it quickly for pornopix, find none (becuz they don’t search well enough) and leave again? Wonder if anyone reads this stuff. I get quite a bit of visitors, but they don’t seem to be interested in dropping me a line or anything. Doesn’t matter. I have a life outside this cave as well. Where the hell did Plato get that idea about his cave? I know where i got the idea about mine and it sure as hell wasn’t from Plato : )

Monday 12 February 2001 16:17

NP: Primal Scream – Trainspotting

Still sick as a motherfucker… Even worse than yesterday, although dinner with H was fun! Had a great time with her and hope she will do me the honour again some time soon. Guess i’ll take the remainder of the day pretty easy… perhaps a walk later on. Shit it just started raining….. oh well. Before I forget: IndiaUpdate

Wish I was, Wish I was, Wish I was

Wish I was a moviestar

Wish I was angeldust

Sprinkle you and fly very far

Hope I can, Hope I can, Hope I can

Make you understand

This is not what I am

Words are failing, Words are failing, Words are failing

That’s okay, That’s okay

Makes me wonder, makes me sway

Words are failing that’s okay

Still raining… Damn.

Sunday 11 February 2001 16:04

NP: The Cure – The same deep water as you

Sick as a dog… Headaches, sniffles, coughing, soar throat, feel like shit… H is coming over for dinner, have to clean, do dishes, go to shop and cook. That’s okay… keeps me busy… first i’m gonna take a shower though.

Oh… by the way… IndiaUpdate!

Saturday 10 February 2001 14:41

What a wonderful world

Oh yeah… Just added a section completely devoted to the adventures of Tineke and Guaka in India. Click HERE to find out more! (Or just click on “India” in the menu to your left.

Friday 9 February 2001 01:34

Guaka left today. Bien viaje mi amigo!

Got my jobinterview tomorrow at eleven, just booked a cab to get from the railwaystation to the office; i’m really curious about their workmethods. Gonna find out soon enough I guess. I’m tired now… there’s a cheesy cheech marin movie on which i’m gonna fall asleep to. I’m thirsty… My money is nearly gone and there’s still a lot to pay for this month. Not sure how i’m gonna handle this. Haven’t spoken to the great stranger in a while, talked to his daughter though. I guess he doesn’t treat her that good either. Well, don’t feel like calling. Fuck it.

Up in smoke

Burning my eye

Beauty burns

at my side

Fear to forget

Abundantly apparently

Surprise me?

Sleep, dreams, waiting with eyes closed, thinking of your lips on my forehead, my neck, my mouth. I’m waiting for you. See you soon. promise

Thursday 8 February 2001 02:25

Just added the pix from Guaka’s going away party… Find ’em HERE

Off to get a drink

Wednesday 7 February 2001 21:27

Hell of a day yesterday. Had an early class, had some work to do for college, went for a huge walk, played soccer, and spun the tables at the club till 3 am, had to clean up afterwards, then had a drink. That was my long long day… I was really fucked up… Still am a bit. Guaka will be leaving tomorrow. Last chance to see him is tonite, so I guess i’ll do that. Maybe go and have a drink, got a class tomorrow and i have some cleaning and stuff to do… but that’s all for later. Got a jobinterview fridaymorning so got to get rested…. Don’t know if i can get it done though. Well whatever. Blondy got kissed by the way… Someone from up north is buggin’ about how complex i am… Apparently she never read any of this. whateverwhateverwhatever sliding again sliding down sliding again sliding down

Tuesday 6 February 2001 01:33

Cum over meLooks like we will be able to maintain our server and this and other websites. Which is very nice and due to the great people at UCI. Thanks again guys. It’s been quite a day. Got a small joboffer. Something for on the side. In other news:

  • Musical Pioneer Yannis Xenakis
    Dies at Age of 78




    PARIS (Reuters) – Romanian-born French composer, architect and mathematician Yannis Xenakis, who invented a new genre of music composed with the aid of computers, died on Sunday (04 feb 2001) aged 78. “France loses one of its most brilliant artists today,” French President Jacques Chirac said in a statement of condolence.
  • Xenakis, born in Romania to a wealthy family of Greek origin, moved to Greece in 1932 and subsequently fought with the Greek resistance during World War Two, losing an eye in battle. Expelled by Greece in 1947 because of his political beliefs, Xenakis moved to Paris where he closely collaborated with modernist architect Le Corbusier for the next 12 years. Parallel to this, he began studying composition at the Paris Conservatory under illustrious composers including Olivier Messiaen and Darius Milhaud.
  • Xenakis developed a new composing technique using computers and based on the mathematical probability of the recurrence of notes and rhymes. This yielded some of his breakthrough works, Metastasis in 1955 and Achorripsis in 1958. “By breaking free from the constraints of the classical norm, by taking the path of random music and by using the inputs of science, he contributed to the definition of a new area of freedom for musical art,” Chirac said. Xenakis became a naturalized French citizen in 1965 and the following year set up the School of Mathematical and Automatic Music. 
  • He leaves behind a wife and a daughter.

It’s hard to accept that even the people that are an inspiration perish and fade. Amazing that it was so hard to find this news. I have an early class tomorrow so i’m gonna go to bed now… grtz all around.

Tomorrow fussbal ist krieg

Sunday 4 February 2001 23:36

Had a little party last nite… Apparently all the people that told me they were gonna show up changed their minds. We had fun anyways… It looks like i might lose scarum.com, but perhaps, if this job works out, i can afford to buy it back… We’re gonna have to see about that. Long week ahead, much to do… short time… need to structure my life. Tomorrow is a nice day for that. Decision time for quo in me… perhaps… perhaps not. 

walk among the living

talk between the lies

watch this space closely

eat me with your eyes

I can hear the thumping, gonna try and get some sleep

Saturday 3 February 2001 04:13

Do you don’t you want me to love you? Charly says: BASS. Short day. long nite, watch porn eat light snow falls rush hour brain traffic call distance long instance wait and see wait and see wait and see and sea the long wait maternal rush of black and hate the red the drops on white paper wood sand now do we finally understand? No dope no rope no hope no glory no nuts no cunt no ice no life no no no no no on on on on on on on wednesday we friday walk we saturday talk and drink perhaps when money amounts to debt-relief talk of nothing matters most </icebreaker>

Friday 2 February 2001 07:08

NP: The Cure – The Walk

A new generation

Wrong assumption…

drip, drip, i can smell you from here

Wish i could, what?

Clubbin’ it… you can’t go home and go to bed…. becuz it hasn’t worn off yet…. Look at all the things—–> you’ll never be 

What am I looking at? 

Go to sleep. relax. cool down. it’s okay. no worries. nothing’s wrong.

What needs to be done bed one be d’one? gimme some can you will you walk wait worry what if she never…. what if i never again..?..? 

saturday limoslab 13 guaka goin’away party. . . . . . . . . . . . . . En. . \d. . O ..f .. . . . t . ra. . n. s. . . .m i . . .s s. . .i . . o . .. . . . n

Wednesday 31 January 2001 18:30

Great jamsession last nite, 73 mins. of great music, right after the soccermatch, just swingin’ it with old zieg and Guaka

Tuesday 30 January 2001 15:00

NP: Radiohead – Kid A

Quite a nite last nite… Talked to a girl, who actually understood me… Talked to two strangers that did as well. Didn’t eat yesterday, did drink some wine….. : ) After about 4 glasses, the ocean was at my lips, the black tsunami had passed the breakers of my teeth (no, i’m not talking about vomiting ; )

Have you got any idea how beautiful you are?

Do you know what happens when you look at me…

With all your sadness and loss

You were drunk and I was mean

Don’t walk away becuz of that.

You make choices, I provide the opportunity

Your red hair, your blue eyes

Your archetypical form

I could love you

Maybe I do

Today there’s some stuff to do concerning the lab, I have to cook, squeeze the oranges, do breakfast (!), do the laundry and finally our weekly soccer game… : ) I’m torn… decisions are hard to take, might have to find some work...

Can’t stop thinking about you

Monday 29 January 2001 13:17

NP: Sonic Youth – Goo

Went to a party in Genk, Belgium, this saturday. ‘tWas pretty cool, really hard neuro-acid-trance, very good for da brain. Had a bit of a lousy week last week. Did the exam i’m talking about one down, but the other one i didn’t. Just not enough time, i guess. So now college starts again. Tomorrow at 8.45 am to be exact 😛

Thinking about removing the radio… I have a bit of a capacity problem : ) Further… had a nice time at the club thursday… Boy me was drunk! Still that girl fascinates me…

Just got an email stating that downloading music with Napster is gonna cost some money by june. Courtesy of the BMG Entertainment. Oh well, we had fun while it lasted, right?

Damn, I’m still no good at calculating… Drew way too much money out of my bankaccount while in Belgium. Oopsy… hehehe Gotta go to the bank and deposit it again. Hmmm i think i’m gonna lose some money due to the course-differences. Shitty.

I entered the literature-competition. The nominees will be known by the second of march. Of course I will post an update. I submitted part of this story (I’m afraid it’s in dutch 😉 We’ll see what happens.

Gonna get going now… I’ve got a meeting at 1500 hours today… And there’s some stuff that needs to be done first.

Sunday 21 January 2001 23:26

I’m out of control. Can’t get up when i want to. It’s like I’m sedated. Well I am in fact, but it never used to be a problem. Tomorrow at ten I have to be @ university for a test. Slept all day, so I guess i’ll study all night. Got me a bottle of coke… Hope that’s enough caffeine to keep me goin’… Gonna do my notes, then perhaps, if there’s time i’ll do the textbook too. But I haven’t got much hope.

I’ve been losing my temper, getting really pissed off -in my head-, just wanting to kick something, eventually kicking myself. Goddamnit, oh by the way… Those pix really sucked, Pixie. That’s not how i remember you. Too stylized for my taste… Great body though.

Got into contact with a girl who lives in Dublin… A strange experience, I can tell you… Don’t know what to think of it yet. Not much patience left in me. Shit…

Saturday 20 January 2001 23:05

FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF

Friday 19 January 2001 02:41

There is next to no good music left… Everything is recycled. Got a call from an old acquaintance, drunk, stoned… He’s been fucking it up in the last year. He tries to get my attention, get me to think he’s doin’ allright, gettin’ me to come over. Sorry man, it’s been too long and you’ve been fuckin’ it up too much… Not interested anymore. Get it together, get clean, stay away from guns… shit….

Slowly fading faces

slowly waiting patiently

It’s been so long

All the things we did wrong

So what we were young

And now…

I hardly even hear about you

I hardly even know about you

Bye bye mr. president.

We’re in trouble, we need more money to keep our laboratory running… So am I.

Gonna go out for a second, gonna spend my last few bucks.

Tuesday 16 January 2001 21:28

So another day ends, another goodbye among friends… Off to the next day. Slow week… No news about my scooter. New shoes… Sometimes it’s hard to say no. Sometimes it just doesn’t work. Ah shit… don’t feel like writing anymore, i’m sleepy. Oh yeah, I nearly forgot:

New Ogre (Skinny Puppy)

Monday 10 January 2001 23:52

Somebody stole my fucking scooter… Some motherfucker got it into his head to steal the thing… 

FUCKER!!!!!!!

Life sucks… Got a test tomorrow. I’m not really ready for it. But we’ll see. Somebody sent me this:

Anybody hungry? By the way… If you want to contact me, or want to comment on this website… Do me the courtesy of including a return email address? Thanx. Byebye…

Monday 8 January 2001 01:57

NP: The Cure – Homesick

Yeah… got the blues again… Feel really low… Lonely… My good friend is leaving town again, to an uncertain future. And i’m sittin’ here again, with the blues. Goddamn it, why do i always have to feel this bad?

Tuesday 3 January 2001 02:55

NP: The Cure – In your house

Just added a radiostation! : ) click here or click on “radio” in the menu.

Monday 2 January 2001 00:05

Flappy New Pear, eh happy new year i mean… Didn’t doo too much shroomz… hehehe Nahh just doggin’ ya. Stayed at home half the night, then went into town… Lot of shit happening in this country… People burning up, fucked up man… Not enough juice left to go out tonite.. So i’m gonna head off to bed soon… seeya’ll around…

Sunday 31 December 2000 20:21

NP: Forma Tadre – La Cit

New years’ eve… All the best to everyone… I sound like my little black robot… 

Up and Down and Around the Corner

Not much longer now. Counting and Counting and Counting, like drunk little machine-elves…

Thursday 28 December 2000 15:21

NP: Skinny Puppy – VX gasattack (live in Chicago)

Just got up, looking out the window at a lightly snowcovered world, wondering why i can’t write anymore. At least nothing substantial. It seems that i can only dip my toes in the whirlpool of chaotic thoughts, lift a few out and smear them on (virtual) paper. There is no grasp, there’s no structure. I know that words are failing, that’s okay. Still this silent urge remains, as if there was actually something to say. The things i have to think about, are best thought about in silence, not necessary to involve others. Contests…

Ambition, hey it’s okay

Maybe I just shouldn’t. Doesn’t matter anyway. Now the dishes wait for me again, the laundry needs to be done, the floor is soiled and just now the sun breaks… for the first time in days. I had forgotten how northerly our country lies on this cursed globe. It almost looks peaceful, happy couples walking hand in hand, screaming

Optimism! Optimism! Optimism!

Can’t join them, too bad, no lobotomy yet. Maybe she could’ve shut me up. Maybe not. It all seems trivial, yet the strain remains. I’m still scared, still don’t see a future. Strength? What’s that? I’ve lost that invincibility. Trust is gone. Was it ever here? I do remember… some of it… was shere magic. New year coming, now what do we say? Words are failing, that’s okay. Can’t leave yet, guess i’ll stay… Not too long, not this way.

Wednesday 27 December 2000 19:23

NP: The Cure – Fear of Ghosts

What’d ya hear behind the door

the happy chatter

the sound of eternity…

wiping it’s feet in your face.

This dark hole of jubilee,

these days of doom,

the silent waiting for new…

All too much expectation

Gentle rejection, such temptation

Just another night to kill, just a little more

Woke late, turned on tv, going to get some food, i guess. Combination of melancholy, distress, fear. Empty.

U talk about how special, you say to me how much, i’ve been inclined to deny, to dismiss, you keep on insisting, but not relinquishing ur defence, a poison door (Sisters), you will not yield to my caress, that’s okay, words are failing, that’s okay. Just walking with you, drinking, sitting, talking, leaving, what’s the use listening to this? What’s worth it…?

Perhaps not this…

Sunday 25 December 2000 18:04

Happy xmass… Hope you didn’t spend too much money… Where’s my coke? Is Santa coming this yeaR? Well i’m glad there’s still a bottle of wine left… just a few days more, and then it’s over again for another year. So i guess we have to enjoy it, any which way we can, may old acquaintance be forgot and blablablablablaaaaaaaaah….It’s white out here… It’s a white xmass this year. Acid government-officials, what’s it all about? All that’s nice, all that’s fair, all that’s white and bloodred, are we waiting, are we living? Drop me a line? Click here!

Friday 22 December 2000 17:18

NP: The Cure – There is no if

End is coming, new millenium, bullshit, other countings, forever, just this, what are we waiting for my friends, oh yeah, individualism, that’s what we… oh well it’s okay… she’s depressed and i’m i’m lonely, but that’s okay, he’s rejected, we’re infected, cough cough, what we need, no more weed, no more booze, order in this chaos. Nothing is new. Nothing is true. Melancholy… sun just dropped behind the horizon, other worlds

It’s easier to speak when no one is listening

It’s easier to love when there is no one around

To be a dewdrop falling off a leaf in autumn

is easier than being this

So much sorrow, so much memory

What am I to do when tears come in a public place

Hide under these sunglasses

Pages filled with words carrying the scent of forever

Gradually growing into my age

Fragmented, dispersed, all other lives, all other ways, what ways do we walk when we walk away… Where did you say you were going?

Tuesday 19 December 2000 05:53

Monday 18 December 2000 19:39

NP: Lustmord – The place where the black stars hang

Brought a tv from home, daddy had a b-day, spent a night drinking and smoking in the woods, missed an x-am, christmassy happy – fucked forever in Jesu Christ, halleluja, what a beautiful day, wish everyone would just go away

Thursday 14 December 2000 04:22

During the Bush – acceptance speech I sent a message to a few americans:

A small scandal for the US,

A huge setback for the world…

The new president of the United States

Fascist, religious freak and general nitwit:

George W. Bush

These are some of the responses i got:

  • apparently you are an ignorant fool who has not been watching the news. gore just keeps ppl in their place by giving them welfare and setting himself on a pedistool.
  • so. has it really been decided. do we finally have a president?
  • yes i feel the same way! the united states will go to shit now! i feel he won florida because of his brother’s political power there! his father was nothing and now his son! wow we are screwed!
  • what the hell are you saying
  • lol, ok?

Monday 11 December 2000 0:19

My tv died on me tonite. The damn thing lasted me for oh about 10 years… but now it finally died. Shit. Not right before the holidays. Fuck. Anyone got a tv standin’ around? HELP!!!!! Think i’m experiencing withdrawal already.

Sunday 10 December 2000 19:06

NP: The Sisters Of Mercy – Marian (version)

Sunday 10 December 2000 07:03

Just got back. Might wanna be taking up my writing again. Could still be a pluspoint in the great social arena, where everyone is called gladiatior. = ) Tonite i didn’t even get drunk. I didn’t even smoke out. But, it was still a bit foggy. Very busy, many people, cute girls, frustrated guys. I had fun. A bush full of gore. Crashes and subdued exuberance. What are you waiting for? Pay the bill, read again. Sit down, do it… Later today. Today. 2 Days. 2 Years. 2 Lifetimes. Ignore the president, shoot the losers. Shoot everyone, with bullets of flowers. miauw…

Saturday 9 December 2000 16:33

NP: The Cure – Carnage Visors

Beautiful scaring clouds race by, right in front of my flat. They look like something violent, dark and mighty, like some overlord in an ancient myth. The entertainment will be little tonite. Not too much going on. I guess most have their own things, their own entertainment. That’s what you’re supposed to be doing. Providing for your own. Gimme a gun, lemme shoot some deer, honey. Blaze up that fire. This baby’s gonna roast tonite. The separation of happiness and life. I feel better. It’s no way near what i used to feel. That’s okay. All flattened out now… You wonder what to do with a day like this. Although it’s nearly ended.

learning to cry for fun and profit

I’m not done yet

Slowly light retreats, a shimmering mystic in the fields, walking up the hills. What kind of recognition is this? Do I care to see it like that… Xmass-lights the lights are winning. Xpensive cars. Need job. BlowJOB. Biblical figures. No more letting the water flow. Plato’s pipedream, For ever looking. IDEAl situation. Language penetration. It shouldn’t have to hurt. Wish i didn’t sell my car. Fossile Fueled Freedom Fucked Future Forget Fear Frustration

Saturday 9 December 2000 05:18

INjuries seemed to have healed… moral has dropped a bit. finally got my hands on the weel again today. TOok HER for a little spin. just a little spin though. Can’t do too mUch yet. gotta take it easy a bit. beeN drinking aloT been smoking enough. reaD the book, Read It again maybe. griPPed me, lIke a warm wet cuNt. felt like home. Gotta be careful not to get into that too much. saw her, silence hit me, saw her and just stood there in adoration. wish you would… wish we could… can you hear that, it’s not the words, it’s the feeling, see… never meant to get stuck into this quagmire of meaning, expression. just want you to know… that’s how it goes, friendly little smiles, smalltalk, sips of spacecigs. then back again to each his own. not mine not mine not mine not mine mot nine.

Sunday 2 December 2000 09:34

NP: The Cure – Fight

Wednesday 29 November 2000 18:24

NP: Ishi & Nekki – Life

Thursday 23 November 2000 13:34

NP: The Sisters Of Mercy – Jolene

OH boy… Am I tired. Had a nice night yesterday. Got drunk at the tropical surprise party danced a bit, talked for an hour to a sweet, beautiful girl, got home, went to bed (alone, alas) and got up early this morning to take a class. Today I got some major cleaning to do. The house is a mess and I got company coming over tonite. See if I can find some time to do some reading up on some college material, ‘tween cleaning and shopping…! SHit I forgot about shopping! oh man…. I gotta go…!

Tuesday 21 November 2000 04:40

Friday 17 November 2000 03:40

NP: Air – You make it easy

Mikey is lying fried on the matrass… Totally wacked. The boy don’t hold his liquor these days : ) Good for him! So I’m just sitting here banging on my keyboard, ignoring the sharp pangs of pain in my left upper brain that have been my steady companions these few days. Tumor perhaps? Or maybe I wasn’t a vegetarian back in those days… Kreuzfeldt-Jakobs perhaps… Braintunnels. Contemplating my lousy existence again tonite. Doesn’t help, still feel fucked. But that’s okay, at least there is no-one reading this stuff. Wouldn’t be too hot if people actually read this shit. Hey, if you mix up the letters on “this” you get “shit”. Cool huh? Yeah that’s the kind of stuff that goes through my mind nowadays… Guess you could say I’m in dire need of therapy. Have been for a few years actually. I feel okay right now. I can take it. I’m a strong lad. But there will be more to come. The headache is coming back. We’ve just lost cabin pressure, oh eh… delay that message. No we haven’t… We’re still flying comfortably at an altitude of…radi oc rac kl ec ra ck lec rackl er adio crack lecra ck ler adioc rac kle

Wednesday 15 November 2000 18:07

NP: DJ Shadow – Stem Long Stem – Transmission

Tonite there will be a screening of my video-short “Concept” in Diogenes, Nijmegen, NL. Finally we’re moving the last bits to no. 13 this weekend, making it more of a “wohnzimmer-studio”. Very tired, went to a class today. Tryin’… I’m having these strange recurring headaches in the left upper part of my head. Oh well. That train in Kaprun, Austria, i know that one. I’ve ridden that train quite often. Bad timing, I guess. Gotta go!

Monday 13 November 2000 22:24

NP: Manu Chao – La Despedida

My friend from Spain is back, the one that walks the Andalusian mountains. There was a big fucking technoparty in Gent, Belgium: I love Techno! 30 DJ’s among which Dave Clark, Speedy J, Carl Cox and Jeff Mills, also DJ Rachmad. 35 thousand people! Pretty good. Trying to achieve ZEN-ness, still not too relaxed. But to sit here right now, in candlelight, Por la carretera, por la carretera. El hambre se viena, el hombre se va, sin mas razon On the road, en route, op weg, auf dem weg, that’s what it feels like now and again. To hold on to this, perhaps live by it. 

Tyler: In the world I see, you’re stalking elk through the damp canyon forests ’round the ruins of Rockefeller Centre. You’ll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You’ll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears tower. And when you look down, you’ll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison in the empty carpool lane of some abandonded super highway 

Feel better champ! I’m trying dude. Really am. That there, that’s not me …. I’m not here, this isn’t happening Bought me a Sony MZ-R70, so i finally can get some recording done. Ten days since my last entry. I must either be busy -NOPE that’s not it- or I must be really fucked up. I saw a light and a curtain in a window next to a familiar window that was askew. It triggered memories, it triggered fantasies. It seems that a lot of people arrive at this site while looking for porn, sorry… gotta change those metatags sometime. If all goes well, I’m gonna have a short film ready by this wednesday for the local shortfilm festival. Gotta produce an entry, they asked me (cuz there was no-one interested). OM MANI PADME UM

Friday 3 November 2000 00:31

NP: Foo Fighters – Everlong

From Scott’s Litany:

From cEvin::: might we see Skinny Puppy again in 2001? read it and freak out!!!

  • Subconscious needs to collaborate with a US Agent who is interested enough to see the Subconscious crew hit the road and tour, as much as the artists themselves. Currently we are restructuring again for 2001. Our original idea of Tear Garden , Download , and PlatEAU. 
  • We have also been speaking with Ogre about potentially linking to do shows with OhGr/Rx and possibly even including Gary Numan . If we could link with a idealist Agent who is very strong , then we may even be in position to put on a Doomsday in America whereby you could see all the bands, S.P. included. 
  • We are currently planning to stage another SP performance in 2001 in Europe.

Cool news or what? We might be doing that thing again! Where is everybody anywaY?

Sunday 29 October 2000 15:23

NP: Radiohead – Idioteque

Wednesday we did get the space: Building 13 We’ve been cleaning it up a bit and improving it. Looks like we might be in business really soon. Interior decorating and getting that damn’d hot water going is a bit of a bitch, but we’ll get it done. Meanwhile… looks like that drumkit is gonna happen! 🙂 With a little bit of luck i might be playing it come wednesday. If anybody knows anything about good deals on midi-triggers and interfaces, pleace contact me! What a week… Two nights i missed! I felt really broken saturday, feel better today though. I slept for 16 hours. Now today I have to do some cleaning, do the dishes, read some stuff for college. Maybe if anyone’s in the mood, we could go out for a walk or a movie or something tonite? ppl? call me! 06-24904438 

By the way, Guaka finally concluded his mathematics-studies! Congrats, m’boy!

Monday 23 October 2000 21:37

Got the word on our space today; it’s definitely gonna happen this week! Shit… Not too much time left to do my assignment on Madonna… I worked on a website last night, instead of working on Madonna. Well, i get paid for the website, so… You know… Priorities 🙂 It just started raining, it looks like a storm. That’s nice : ) Hope i can get this assignment done in time so i can go get me a glass of wine at the jazzclub, would be nice… Had a class today about Erasmus, boy that was boring. Well the lecturer seized the opportunity to make it a sermon, i guess. 

Heroes and victims, unfortunate losers.

And what are we?

Can i have some money… We use creditcards…

Bookkeepers all of us. Reign of terror.

But you don’t, you don’t feel anymore.

You don’t care anymore, it’s all gone

Keep ’em fed, keep ’em tired, keep ’em working.

No hassles, no uprising.

just another teenage suicide

Even though i don’t exist

Boris, Anatoff, Vladimir, Mila and Madonna.

Back to you, Berny

Sunday 22 October 2000 17:59

NP: Noise Unit – Feel the Anguish

Worked at the club fridaynight… Boring! Got drunk afterwards, people throwing bottles at me, just for fun. Cleaned today… Gotta vacuum… No news about our space yet… it’s so slow… but probably this week we will get the keys. Nice day today. Smoked a little too much yesterday. Larve paid me a visit, went to see Guaka, bummin’ out on the couch. Tonite i’m gonna do my assignment on Madonna. Who’d have thought i’d be writing assignments on Madonna? : ) Early bedtime tonite… Oh yeah, put up some more doomsdaypix

Thursday 19 October 2000 02:53

Well I never spoke at that poetry night. I guess i was just too beat after a long day helpin’ someone move and then doing the sporty thingy. So i opted to get loaded and watch a movie in the company of a pretty girl, well… sue me! : ) In a few hours i’ll be deciding if i am going to go take an exam or not. I haven’t had the spirit or the stamina to learn for it, so it’s gonna be embarrassing either way. I can handle embarrassment. I need sleep bad. It feels as though i’m coming down with somethng. There are still people visiting this site, to the ones that do visit Scarum’s Cave: i would like to ask you to tell me whether or not you like this site, what it is that you do or don’t like and offer me any suggestions to enhance it. Oh yeah, and before you go asking me stuff like: “Where’s the warez? Where’s the porn?” Sorry people none of that… I wanna keep my internet connection and i don’t want my host to get into any trouble. Seems some motherfuckers have been using our smtp-server to spam. Thanks again for making us aware of that backdoor still open… It’s closed now, assholes!

I get these people

on the phone

they tell me that i did something wrong

It’s gonna cost me money

So when the curtains are drawn

in the middle of the day

when the wind moves them

like a woman’s morning sheets

hanging in the breeze

Don’t come knocking on my door

Try to understand

Only thing i want

Is to forget that i can’t

What to y’all seems to come

so naturally

Wanna cuss me out? Call me: +31-6-24904438

Monday 16 October 2000 16:21

NP: The Pixies – Down to the Well

Finally got the contribute thingy working on the Column-page. Although the auto adding of new pieces doesn’t work, you can easily type your story and send it with one click of the button. I will add it as soon as possible, with a solemn promise not to edit/censor/delete a single word! So come on and give us all something to read…

Furthermore there will be the opening of our new creativity-space this week, hopefully. We’ll have to see if the burocracy indeed will not make a liar of me, but it looks as if it’s gonna happen by wednesday or thursday. Once again, interested in a space where you can work out your ideas… Are you an artist looking for space…? (Nijmegen, NL only) CONTACT ME!

For all those interested: Tomorrow-night at DIOGENES there is a literature and poetry night, with an open stage. I will probably be saying a few things… Drop by if ya like! Starts at 20:30 i think…

Friday 13 October 2000 17:53

NP: The Cure – One Hundred Years

What a week. Spend most of the time in bed, recovering from a long nights’ partying. Had some good times this week : ) It’s quite amazing how much people talk in this town… It’s a regular highschool… All this gossip. But it’s okay… People can talk as much as they want… confusion is sex

Tuesday 10 October 2000 16:24

If anyone has a cd-rom player they don’t need, drop me a line! Nothing much to report, no inspiration to write off the top of my head… Gotta do breakfast : )

Saturday 7 October 2000 19:17

Well well, a remote update! I’m at Larve’s place… This week not too much happened, although i ran into a small fight on a train, started by some drunk war veterans on my way to my mothers’… Our space is confirmed. Within a week or two we will be rocking hard and raging up a creative storm in our new headquarters. Once again… Anyone interested -living in Nijmegen, NL; into artistic weird shit- in joining us in creative mayhem and/or using part of our headquarters, CONTACT ME! Greetz from M, D, H-l, T, H-F, J and me!

Monday 2 October 2000 03:56

Just a quick update… Went to see Stockhausen direct and mix his “Hymnen” in Amsterdam’s “Concertgebouw”. Pretty cool. They performed it twice, with some explanatory words by the pompous master himself. I got in for free, which was pretty cool. Thanx to the people at the door! Further not much news. Well, before i forget… We’re gonna rent an atelier! It’s gonna be a pretty big hall, where we will be able to work on the IndusTree-shows and get to mix our ideas with other artists… If you live in Nijmegen and are interested in joining our group, and of course contributing in the rent-costs, contact me through the Contact Page!!

Thursday 28 September 2000 10:13

NP: The Cure – The last Day of Summer

Classes in a minute… Weird dreams, reading Maldoror gets to me. Cutting back on dope brings me chaotic nights. Wow, anxiety when sober. Must be something there, something…

Wednesday 27 September 2000 01:43

We did the soccer thing again today. Pretty cool. Finally havin’ some fun again. Still doin’ a bit too little for school, but okay, so what else is new. Handed in an assignment by email this morning, on which i had worked all night. Hope this guy digs it. At last i’m reading a bit again, for pleasure, i hasten to add. Cheesus, gotta get organised… Not much other news… Oh yeah, a friend got a visit from the cops, they thought he had a GREEN house. Too bad fellas… Did some graphic design for a small festival that’s gonna be hittin’ this town in november, but i’m too lazy to scan the flyer or add the hyperlink. Hey, i got two more months to do it… so chill… I will… eventually! Hi to Holly! By the way, who is playing a fucking prank on me? Who is this?

Saturday 23 September 2000 18:05

Wednesday 20 September 2000 21:27

If I could remember dreams, would be able to reproduce them on paper, film, I would share them. But it’s not possible to do this. All the while, every night it happens.

blonde, death, fear

unexpected flashes

winter falls, waiting again

will i leave it all?

for another snow covered

rush of novelty

it puts me in a silent spot

possibilities curbed by fear

smear my soul on your sandwich

i’m ready, give me more

Tuesday 19 September 2000 22:07

Swamped in work, should start to do more stuff… like right now… Haven’t shaken my blues yet. Too much confrontation. That’s ok. I can dig it. Game

Monday 18 September 2000 02:16

And now, finally it should be over. I can breathe again. And that’s fucking wonderful! : ) Once some news hits ya, you have to change course, alter your direction. And thankfully i can now. What’s in a scream… Well i’m gonna take a looksee if there’s anything on tv, and then i’m gonna hit the sack… just one more hour. B-bye, sweet dreams…

Sunday 17 September 2000 07:29

Got a lot to do today. But first i have to sleep… Much too early… Gotta get with tha rythm

Scented pleasure, erotic dust

Eyes so slow closing

Faster inside

Don’t call me, don’t tell me

Wait a second

for a longer day

The longest stay

Saturday 16 September 2000 21:35

IndusTree.org is offline! Patience, we will return… Too much booze lately, too early these mornings.

Wednesday 13 September 2000 22:26

Still a bit sick. Didn’t do too much these two days… Didn’t go to school… I did get our weekly sporting event back on track. Added the Doomsday 2000 picz, reach em from the front-page or thru the grafix section. By the way, Happy Birthday J! Scott’s Litany has linked the Doomsday 2000 piczfrom his site. Gotta remind myself to send the money order to cEv, cuz i ordered the cd and poster! (inside Puppy info : ) Tonite we won’t be streaming our Radio 303 broadcast tonite becuz pH‘s FM-tuner is fucked! 🙁 Well I gotta go to the studio in a sec, maybe i’ll be in the club later tonite. Not sure yet. Oh well… See y’around!

Monday 11 September 2000 02:13

Scruples prevent me from speaking my mind freely on here. Scruples towards the known and unknown readers, the people i only know by ip-address approximation. ISP-clients. I would like to talk about what bothers me, why tonite is such a terrible night, why i feel panic arise in me once more. Why the sight of a postcard fills me with melancholic, childish pain and grown up realism, excruciating. Why when my eyes stray, all hope is gone. But i can’t. You are too much present. I am still not enough exhibitionist to enjoy it, to dare it. Wish i could, wish it didn’t matter, that i could just spill my guts onto this virtual paper and deem it all semi-real. But i know it’s not. These are abstractions themselves, these words. And as abstractions they live on this black and blue page, waiting to be absorbed into someone’s mind, to be made into a world, a picture. My portrait. It is a prison, consisting of bars made out of air. I am my own jailor. These signs, in a language that is not even my own, i spill my emotions into abstract forms to alleviate, but not enough, never enough. Not talking, not writing, not even singing these things will make it go away. Will make it okay. Nothing ever will. But why is this insane hope present in me? Why can’t it leave me be, let me suffer, just to suffer, instead of rubbing coarse sea salt into my wounds?

Sunday 10 September 2000 06:03

I’m gonna feel bad tomorrow… Spent too much time bein’ awake… Smoked a little too much. My throat’s sore and my head is really heavy. I’m gonna lie in bed in a sec, relax and doze off. Tomorrow i’m gonna stay in bed, read a little, do a lot of snoozin’. Hmmmm, what music am i gonna play… Gotta make me a mix that’ll last me 24 hours… MP3 rules! Outside a thick fog hangs. Reminds me of the one time i visited England. It was hell. All that i wanted was right in my face, but i couldn’t have it. Oh shit my throat feels so fucking fucked. *lots of countries echoed mr. clinton’s request, but none were willing to donate money*She won’t talk anymore… That’s ok. Goodnight.

Saturday 9 September 2000 13:47

NP: The Cure – Pornography

I feel so fucking lousy today. Terribly sick, coughing, runny nose, sore throat, this feels like a thousand years ago. I can’t help it. Much seems linked to things past. I feel cold, hot, then cold again.

NP: The Cure – A man inside my mouth

What to do with this, this state of being. There’s not much i can do. I guess i’ll crawl back into bed and read some stuff for classes. Some music, an orange maybe. What a way to spend a day huh? Too bad there’s no-one to curl up to… Candidates please apply HERE

Friday 8 September 2000 20:33

Caught the sniffles… Shit… I didn’t want to get sick, but when you got it, there’s not much you can do about it.

I worked the lights last night in the club, talked to a cute girl about her relationship. That’s the problem these days; somehow they all got a problem and they wanna talk about it, but they’re all taken. No need to be sullen.

Gotta get this sporting thing back on track. Hall-soccer, government controlled usage of communal property. Ok. 

It’s gettin’ dark early these days, stays dark longer. It’s getting colder. Even looks like fall. I love the fall. Well I used to, i’m not sure if i still do, but i’m gonna find out. Gotta try to get out a bit more, go for walks and stuff. At least i feel a bit better.

I met an old acquaintance of mine today. He’s thinking about becoming a father, he’s 28. Life’s choices kicking in. Tonite there’s a small gothic type, industrial kinda party thingy going on, so i’m gonna take a looksee. Not much else to do. Don’t feel like stayin’ at home. Not enough yet. Hope that’ll change. Time enough. Time is that what was and is not, time is what will be and is not. That Aristotle sure knows how to make things nice and sparkling clear. The weather is damp, still a bit warm, windy. It’s the kind of weather i remember, from when we used to spend our nights outside in a little hut near a lake. We used to sit there, smoke joints, drink some wine, play music, make fun. We used to hang out together, a group of 5 people, sometimes more, sometimes less. But it used to be next to every night. A sort of family feeling, familiarity and comfort. That is gone now, all that individualism sometimes makes me desperate. I’d love to have people to hang out with every night. It provides a good source of relativism, humor. Helped me through a lot of shit. So this one goes out to my friends. You know who you are (even though you don’t read this and will never know 🙂

Wednesday 6 September 2000 23:03

NP: Fleetwood Mac – Need your love so bad

When i look at it from that angle, i guess it’s better to be alone than on the receiving end of the end of a relationship. Some day today… First real day of classes again. Gettin’ there slow… Goin’ slow, gettin’ fucked over by some teacher. I guess i should try to have more fun, but you know, sometimes you feel good, you feel just right and then suddenly it just all leaves you… As if all the blood just rushes out of you… you’re like a bathtub that gets unplugged. Dustin Hoffman is getting tears in his eyes, riding the bus with his bride, while simon and garfunkel, croon away their legendary soppy song. The graduate, perhaps in a few years. Perhaps not. I saw something today. Did you? The moon and a thunderstorm in the same sky. And the eyes tire of shapes, grow fond of familiar forms. Such suffering. oh lordy, troubles so hard, oh lordy, troubles so hard, don’t nobody know my troubles with god, don’t nobody know my troubles with god Wish I you would let me help you out. Guess you don’t, guess you never will. I understand. How do we steer clear, capt’n? Just head on, hoist the sail, sailor. The storm is waiting!

Tuesday 5 September 2000 04:02

pfew… Well well well… eh… Let’s see here… Should be in bed by now, but still can’t leave the computer alone. Got the exam tomorrow, eh in a few hours, i have a class… but don’t think i will attend. Organize more stuff. Call my mom, who’s in hospital for a test.

Some guy i probably know =) actually read through all of this and wrote me a long email. If you read this, thank you for the email, I haven’t gotten round to writing you back, but i promise i will. Anybody else that wants to comment on this: email me @ [email protected] or send a message directly to my screen by clicking here. If you really want to TALK 2 or SMS me call me on mobile phone +31624904438. No death-threats please unless you mean it!

Saturday 2 September 2000 04:33

Nothing much… Feel a bit better. Love is blindness, I don’t wanna see, won’t you wrap the night around me… All my life… Blindness Just a little bit. Tomorrow some people are *perhaps* coming over and we might go out into the Nijmegen-night, looking for that lost feeling, in honour of my 24th birthday which is next sunday (03-09) *duh, like i don’t post dates* =) I’m too lame to get those Dresden pix up, below is one of me smokin’ a J; but the other pix aren’t up yet. Gotta study somehow this weekend, goddamn… I hate you, Kenny Maybe get me some sleep now… Is anybody reading this at all? Oh well, it still will be a nice reminder of fucked up times, in other fucked up times… =)

Friday 1 September 2000 14:24

NP: Download – SigeSang

A night of blissfull coma behind me, now back into reality’s light. My birthday is up in two days. My mother thinks i want to sever all communication and i feel like i have the stomach-flu coming on. Not to mention the fact that i always seem to fall in love with the wrong girl. All this is enough to make me wanna crawl into bed and use this friday to it’s fullest. It’s raining, it’s dreary. But i can’t, have to read through several philosophers for my exam on tuesday. I have to give an oral addendum to my original exam, which was not sufficient, although close. So waiting for me are Kierkegaard, Kant, Aquino, Spinoza, Hume and Hegel. I just hope tonite will be different. I have to try and concentrate although i feel so fucking bad. Should write more, i guess, may help me get rid of these fears and cramps. These feelings so vile, so hideous, they’re heavensent. I just don’t wanna know anymore.

Any beautiful, intelligent, sweet girls out there looking for a deranged, emotionally fucked up, perverted boyfriend?

Friday 1 September 2000 05:26

It’s late… Just got back from a nightclub. I fled my house because of sounds. I flee… I tried to escape into the night, but the night is never deep or long enough. You always have to go back to that which haunts you. I guess the trick is not to be afraid, not to care about anything too much. You might not want to feel all that much when it eventually inevitably all goes wrong. “when you don’t perceive it, it does not exist” No safety around here. All death and carnage. The onslaught is not exterior. It is hidden. Through mists of various substances, the eye peers at the world, sees it in all it’s glory, in all it’s depravity. With sunrise mists will lift, with sunshine life is bliss, with illusion life is safe and i’d be blazingly happy.

Wednesday 30 August 2000 22:28

NP: My Brain – Marteldimensie

Unrequited love, painfull phoneconversations, heartbreaking, nervewrecking, brainburning days of pre-fall terror. What the hell am I to do? It’s not like this is gonna be over soon. What can i do to soothe these wrecked nerves? Has anybody got any suggestions on how to feel nothing at all? we made out at the table like our plane was going down Could go out, could go mad, could call back, could move house, could commmit murder, suicide, necrophilia… Doors have become phones, or have phones become doors? Am i back to where i was a long long time ago? Scared… confused, in pain.

Monday 27 August 2000 3:23

Sunday 27 August 2000 22:30

NP: F. S. O. L. – Central Industrial

Why won’t this summer end, why won’t this breeze turn into a smashing wind… Why won’t this planetary submarine sink? Have all these years been in vain, have i still not learned how to control my life, my feelings? All this optimism, that beautiful equilibrium, i so painstakingly acquired… To realise this, to understand that the slightest wave can cause this commotion, to see that nothing i try ever results in anything, makes me wonder if it’s not a much nobler and juster act (to speak in terms of the Great Philosopher) to end this travesty of a life and reward my acquaintances their patience with my meager earthly possessions. But what courage i would need. Being the coward i am. What is next on the list? What new insults are waiting for me around the corner. What stick will next be driven through my heart? It doesn’t matter. Perhaps if i could see the humour in this, be the god-fucking, all-loving hippie son of a bitch i would have liked to have been, this would all seem trivial and i would sail through life with a big grin on my face and happiness radiating from each pore. But alas, i am not; i am pathetic, i hope, i want, i desire, i fear, i loathe, my jealousy i cannot hide at times. I get so fucking sick. This liberalist pose, i’ve adopted, this: Sure, no problem. Why don’t you do that, walk all over me. I’m so fucking sick of it all. Sick of this shit. I want an easy, calm life, not this rollercoaster. Makes me wanna try and break something on my head. It doesn’t help. Nothing helps. Only to sleep. If sleep will come. Sometimes it doesn’t, it just mocks me. My head is filled with all the things i do not want to be reminded of, all the looks i can do without. All the smartass remarks i make that come back to haunt me. The cleverly disguised rejections of everday projections. And all the things that i should say. All the things that make my life hell… I cannot exclaim. I’m dumb, silent. Relief… please?

Friday 25 August 2000 04:40

NP: Radiohead – Fake Plastic Trees

Yeah yeah… I fucked up an exam today. Knew i was gonna though. Oh well… One more to go, on monday and an oral exam somewhere next week. A lot of people talked to me tonite. I wonder why. Why the fuck strangers walk up to me and start spraying my face with their beer and fastfood-breaths and saliva… Talking about how they view life, what kind of music they like and how to score with chicks (no offence to my women readers, if there are any). I talked to my shaman-friend today… He’s mixing up an exquisite concoction that has legendary powers. Read and listened to this magnificent rant of truth, wonder and hope by TeREncE McKenna. Sleep? Are you there?

Then sleep,

Sleep

Hoist the sail, 

Brave the oceans

May dreams welcome you 

Like a virgin seamen’s grave

Thursday 24 August 2000 03:52

Some folks who went to Dresden took pix! Check em out HERE and HERE. We took picz as well and those will be up on Scarum’s Cave soon. For now, me go sleep… Me tired… That goddamn Tweek was in Germany and she prolly saw Puppy but we didn’t hook up! We gotsta talk, younglady! No, but seriously… if you read this, please email me or message me? please!?

Tuesday 22 August 2000 17:30

Woke up late, very tired, very confused, very hungry now… gotta go to the store to get me some grub. later!

Monday 21 August 2000 22:59

Got back from Dresden this evening, where i saw The Sisters of Mercy and Skinny Puppy. The Sisters were ok, but soundwise there was alot wrong: voice was nearly inaudible, guitarists that sucked mega-Ass… Well you get the picture. Skinny Puppy on the other hand was great. An Ogre look-a-like got shot dead on stage, Dwayne was hanging from a rope and cEvin was bangin’ his boogie… for one and a half hours. Opening with Choralone (from Rabiës) and ending with Smothered Hope. Songs included: Harsh Stone White, Tin Omen, Killing Game and some live ImproV as well. Will tell more later… got stuff to do…

Wednesday 16 August 2000 17:41

NP: Skinny Puppy – Spahn Dirge

“But he notices how difficult it is for my thin mouth to utter these words, how the years of my own spring have passed, sad and glacial, like an implacable dream passing over banquet tables, satin beds where love’s pale priestess sleeps, paid with the glitter of gold, the bitter pleasures of disenchantment, the pestilential wrinkles of age, the terrors of solitude and the torches of sorrow.”

Maldoror – Comte de Lautréamonte

Wednesday 16 August 2000 03:48

Too late, i guess…

Tuesday 15 August 2000 16:24

NP: The Cure – The last day of Summer

Still no rain. Much cloudier today, though. I fell into another storm last night, torrential rain. Now the wind is blowing me dry. Waiting for a storm that will last longer. I’m not sure. It might not come to that, but I would want a good storm. At least my insides know how to make chaos. Don’t know if i should want this. Might not be good for me, could be too much, could go wrong. Help me?

Monday 14 August 2000 20:49

NP: The Doors – End of the Night

Somehow that storm didn’t make it. Sadness. Jim accompanies me in this lonely pursuit of the clouds. What are we to do, now that even the rain and wind have left us here? The we i so fondly speak of, are the voices in my head, singing take it as it comes, but it comes much too fast for me today. I can’t keep up. This monday has taken me by storm, can’t keep a lock on the box of weird wonders. It’s a bit scary. It’s like someone has removed the earth, yeah, I do mean the planet from underneath my feet and it feels as if Newton has gone off to play with the other kids in the playground. The stars look further away. It’s like it’s getting darker…

Monday 14 August 2000 17:21

Gettin’ all fuzzy

It’s creepin’ up on me

I’m gettin’ all dizzy

Gotta turn upside down to see

Gotta keep breathin’

But it’s knocking the wind out of me

Have to try not to believe

what i am feeling today

What i am feeling today

Monday 14 August 2000 14:41

Nice and hot day today, startin’ to get windy, thank god… We’ll see where this is gonna take us… It’ll probably end up in a big electrifying thunderstorm. I never went to bed, just updated a private site for me and my friends concerning our trip to the Doomsday Festival 2000 featuring The Sisters of Mercy and the legendary Skinny Puppy(nettwerk link! 🙂 Nothing much else going on. Haven’t had me breakfast yet. Gotta do some more cramming for my exams. Why can’t anybody offer me a job doing webdesign!!!!???? O.k. I stink at progging, but i could learn. My graphic design isn’t that bad…. is it? And i think i know sufficient HTML to get many a job done. Oh shut up… I know… I know

Monday 14 August 2000 6:18

I feel like killing something. Skulls open up under force, spilling bloodwords on the pavement. Beauty cracked open, spilling that which does not discriminate. I smack my face and pound my head, claw at hand. Old greek fucker reads like a nazi-bible, raping jews, hanging niggers from crosses. A white supremacist. Irritates me. This heat. NO CommUNicaTion. Goddamn sun is rising again. All I can do is grind my teeth and type it all away, come on baby type it all away… come on motherfucker type it all away… type all this godforsakenmotherfuckingshitsuckingassbangingcocksuckingplacentaslurpingpusdrinkingsnotgobblingbilejuicebungholecrapaway!!! This mind is gone on a holiday me thinks. Me thinks it’s time to shave my head… Make some room for all these thoughts… What is gonna happen to me if i were to lose control… can you tell ME? What would happen if i were to sever those nice and (still) tight connections with the real world, my past, the end, the motherfucking truth according to shithoarding stupid fucked up assholes!?? What if my friend snaps? What if… The last night on earth. Don’t we wish… Call my psychiatrist, call my lawyer, call my goddamn preacher, i think it’s confuckingfession time: I AM HuMan.

Sunday 13 August 2000 16:25

It finally happened. A crowd, a fire, a forest. Too bad this wasn’t the perfect crowd, but what do you want? I can hardly type becuz of blisters, but i will finish this entry. This week is probably the last week of summer. Today it’s hot, but tonite the thunderstorms are headed our way. We will be caught within, no place to go but inside, no place i’d rather be than outside. It’s not always possible. I’ve had some bad dreams this night. I’m glad it’s all fading again, blasted away by the sun. The Sky… The Face… The Fall… A Sound….Somehow it’s gonna have to change, has to. The danger, the fear

Saturday 12 August 2000 20:38

Came crawling out of the primordial soup this morning at about ten, God had sent his killerrays to destroy me. I made it home, barely. What is the meaning of all this… Why should i want to do this over and over and over again? Alas, the sun is setting again and in about fifteen minutes, we are out of range. Survival techniques.

We were following the truck, what came before i don’t want to recall. We were following the truck with the huge speaker, filming the truck on the right side down. On the other side of the island-valley the mountains were crumbling, spewing smoke and flames. We were headed for the big place, we’d go climbin’. We arrived and settled in, after that, our leader said, we were gonna do our first climb. We started someplace i can’t remember. We were going into the ice, ice tunneling. The ropes were living in the tunnels, holding them, reaching deeper. Pulling yourself into the ice, through a whole world of ice. Difficult stretches, courage and skill. We landed back into the big place, exhilarated.

Friday 11 August 2000 18:53

They got me covered, it’s all fixed, she had me on. Now what should i say to make it come true. I stumble and mumble and telephones ring. Making me angry, making me kill. Good moods and unknown senders, hearts broken on big truck fenders. She looks like she could handle it, i think she always does. Tied in, tight up, don’t stop this motion. This is what it feels like. Caution, action, forget her reaction. Stronger collaps, ask me why. Distance and the feeling that it’s all an illusion. Sunlit concrete, sunlit hair, painfull sometimes how eyes stare. I might just try it now, i’ll use the digits. I might not try it now, questions in it. It’s all a bit confusing isn’t it?

Thursday 10 August 2000 16:41

“Hide blemisses wid erase” Whaahhahhahah…. Memories. The strangest things, especially memories stemming from those dark hidden moments, nocturnal dreams (although i sometimes do dream during the day : ) It seems lately it’s a bit confused, my memories are transformed to match desires and dreams dream up imagery that go with the gutwrenching feeling, the want, the lust, the hunger to hold… I see through the glass, through structures familiar, i walk, Not true my mind somewhere murmurs, but the eyes paint the brain such a sanguinous picture. Bloody red cheeks and panting little breaths, hands moving fast over shapes and curves, pearly sweat gleaming on foreheads. On the other side of the glass. Dreamwalls, dreamglass.

Monday 7 August 2000 11:43

Time slips away. The 7th of august already. Today the sun is shining, but that doesn’t help much to alleviate this terrible feeling that the summer is on it’s last legs, her strength put into these last rays. I’m still pretty tired. Got a backpain, and a head full of clouds. Don’t know how it’s possible that i feel so bad these days. By the way, if anyone’s got or knows of a job for me, please tell me about it! I’ve got a job lined up bein’ a helpdesk-freak, but i would much rather have a job in webdesign or something like that. Alright, well… guess i’ll go work out a bit, take a shower, clean this place up (again!) and do… eh… whatever!

Sunday 6 August 2000 4:53

Updated the xifarg section (i think) and added some toys for me… Slept three hours between 15hr and 18hr, still awake… I think tonite a few new IndusTree songs were born. Eagerly awaiting pH‘s efforts to digitising the jamsession. Look out for news about an upcoming IndusTree gig! Sleep now…

Saturday 5 August 2000 9:45

NP: The Cure – A SHort TeRm EffEct

Well… Couldn’t help m’self… Had to do it… There is now a link on the frontpage that will wack your browser out of the way and gives you the FULLSCREEN experience! Go try it right now! hehehe : )

Saturday 5 August 2000 7:39

Couldn’t resist the temptation, I updated the the communicate section! Now I’ve got the instant ICQ messenger, the FREE SMS-service and the infamous Guaka! Anon-E-Mailer on one page and working too! : ) Thanx to Guaka for helpin’ me out with the php3 shit!

Saturday 5 August 2000 7:02

NP: Nina Simone – Ain’t got no – I’ve got life

Hello people! Added a FREE SMS-service in the communicate section! You get 50 free sms-messages a day, but only ten per phone-number… 🙁 I guess that should be enough tho’… I am goddamn tired… Gonna sleep soon, hi to everybody that visits this site! (I just heard there are actually people that visit this site!?) Now i gotta be careful and even more cryptic in my entries, so not everyone finds out about all my feelings, moods, thoughts, desires, frustrations, anxieties, pain, hurt, lust, jealousy, cravings, infatuations, crushes, deceptions, defeats, problems, ailments, diseases, mental problems (!) and such…

Friday 4 August 2000 15:44

There are those kind of days that you really want to dissolve, evaporate… That was yesterday and like a psychedelic drug, it takes it’s time to wear off… So i don’t feel fine just yet, but we’re getting there. I have started on the piles of written material i have produced over the past ten years. The goal is to get it all into the computer and online within 2 months. I’m hoping Guaka will help me write a little script that’ll help me put it all online. Guess i’m gonna ask him nicely! 🙂

Further, the Doomsdayfestival is approaching very fast and i’m getting pretty excited over it! I’m gonna see the amazing Skinny Puppy who will be performing live. Ogre and cEvin will be working with Jörg Buttgereit of ‘Nekromantik’ fame on the stage show. Well that’s it for today…bye!

Wednesday 2 August 2000 22:33

Time flies when you’re havin’ fun… That’s why this day seems to last forever… Well that and the fact that i was up rather early today. Damn this summer. This one really sucks. I should at least… Oh nevermind. You know it’s like when you get older you lose the fire. You seem to be able to let go much easier. There is less pain, just this nagging, irritating feeling that it used to be different and still could… If you only would be a bit more passionate. But the fire is almost out and there’s nothing left to burn

Wednesday 2 August 2000 12:33

Finally slept! For about 12 hours straight. Talked to Guaka last night about ?simplices? and objects in three dimensional space, the impossibilities of realms of abstraction and the possibilities of life in the Mhz-range. There was a beautiful lightningstorm last night. Wish there was some way to capture the sound, visuals and feel of such a storm, to be able to reproduce it whenever you want. 

For the curious out there: There is SOMEONE reading these entries…

Tuesday 1 August 2000 17:13

Just added a huge collection of artwork by William Blake. This of course can be found in the Grafix section. Didn’t sleep tonite. Very tired, very fucked. Lot of obligatory shit today. Gotta relax. Hope you will call me, or message me. Really do. Jean Cocteau‘s Opium… Why not…

Tuesday 1 August 2000 3:34

Hmmm I’m not sure… I wanna write about certain things… But i’m not sure if there are people reading this news section, and i’m not sure that if that’s the case i want them to read what i want to write about… Quite the dilemma. Oh well… It doesn’t matter, what i want to write today is nonsense tomorrow. What i want to express is subject to change within a day… Sometimes half a day. Curves, lashes, through the flesh, gnawing fingers, soft press… What if this blows up, what if the circus is coming to town, ya dig? Hurts, doesn’t it? Desire

Monday 31 July 2000 0:27

WOW! What a terrible hang-over i had today. Never knew a head could hurt so much, i slept it off, for most of the day and woke up late in the afternoon. Seeing the mess i was living in, i decided to clean up a bit, and a ask a friend of mine over for dinner. Now Guaka! is online, talking to him a bit. Updating and editing the news in the meantime. Not much more to tell.

Sunday 30 July 2000 8:47

Tonite I met a girl that had actually read something i have written. She thought it was amazing and had remembered it for over two years… I brushed her off… and went rodoling artfe a ictbh… Dirty little… Oh well whatever… I would love to give so much more… I guess it could be the, or the… But i guess it’s not gonna happen. My friend is lying over there, passed out… I wish i could pass out… But it isn’t gonna happen, it is never gonna happen… So long… so long… Hi to Sandra from Zagreb

Saturday 29 July 2000 4:53

Oh yeah, another night gone. Two of my friends joined me this night on a melancholic booze and drug-binge. We had silences and golden thoughts… Originality and the regurgitated side by side, just as you sat here and could hardly stop to slide into my fantasy. But eventually you clung to the walls, and i’m climbin’ again. What are you telling me? What is language when it’s like this? I guess i am sorry… .. . . I guess i am wrong. But perhaps if it slid like it could, perhaps we’d say it should. I don’t know. Matters OTastE, I guess…

Friday 28 July 2000 5:46

Wonderfully amazingly

How can it be, that it gets easier?

Have we lost that golden glow in our liberated age?

The trust of the Successor

Think of the children, the animations cry

What went wrong?

What a question, right?

I wrote this in a bar, just a few hours ago. I walked in ‘cuz they were playing the Doors. People getting drunk, some bitch grabbed my hat and started wailing with Morisson. I ordered a wodka and stared into my drink… As Morisson was replaced by Manu Chao, i looked about me for a beercoaster… My medium of choice when inspiration hits me in bars.

I was trying to do something for someone but i was too late. I guess that describes the situation quite accurately. Too late.

Friday 28 July 2000 0:14

Most of the things i wanted to do, i never did. Instead I’m sitting here, boring my ass off at home, a tad frustrated… I guess that’s been the story of my life, inbetween performances, drug-haze and “have-to’s”… Oh well whatever. I’m gonna drink some wodka tonite, me thinks. Hang out at this club, i’ve been a regular at for the last oh 4 years. 

Just don’t seem to understand some things. I keep on trying and i try real hard… But the conclusions i reach are so ridiculous, it’s impossible for me to believe them. Watching, waiting, anticipating and releaving myself, metaphorically speaking, all over myself. Isn’t life a smash? Sometimes i wish i hadn’t forgotten to bring that nice big rope i have. It would just be perfect, to tie to the balcony… 🙂

Thursday 27 July 2000 17:10

No news for a day or two. Been busy tie-ing up some loose ends regarding my former employer and trying to get me another job, which turns out to be a bit difficult. It looks like I might finally be employed again come august. I have a jobinterview the day before i’m leaving for Dresden. I’m still a bit confused and dazed from last night’s brap. Guaka and me were getting high and created some new crazy jazznoize sounds, Maybe i’ll put them online soon. Right now, i’m thinking about a shower and a shave, after that it’s time to get this place tidy-ed up and do the motherfuckin’ dishes. And after that, i just realised, i really have to get to my books, three more end-terms to go. Boy am i hazy!

Tuesday 25 July 2000 22:49

Chillin’ out wid ma homey… Smokin’ some grass… chattin’ up some ladies… smokin’ some dope… smokin’ some dope… smokin’ some dope… smokin’ some dope… smokin’ some dope…

Tuesday 25 July 2000 04:32

Well well well… Looks like another nite is almost over. I guess i’ll just take out the trash and go to bed. Tomorrow is a day where i have to find a job, see a man about some money and well… dive into those goddamn books again. Why isn’t anybody mailing me anymore and why the fuck is no-one checkin’ out my site… Ah well… no-one has always been a buddy… so i don’t mind. Well it’s time for the thingy where i stand disgusted over garbage bags, holding my breath, but the stink always makes me wanna… ah you know… Well later!

Monday 24 July 2000 18:41

Monday 24 July 2000 17:56

ICQ Chat Session

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Participants: ScarumBig Mike

Description: Enter Description Here:

Created On: Monday, July 24, 2000

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(Scarum) kwam dus in de droom binnen waar het al mis aan het gaan was, groot gebouw, veel mensen, vette paniek. 

(Scarum) ik liep maar rond en er was niet echt iets dat ik kon doen, behalve even langs jou en smeets lopen, maar jullie zagen het einde aankomen en waren daardoor niet al te vrolijk…….

(Scarum) dus toen ben ik naar buiten gegaan, naar de binnenplaats waar ik een tentje had staan, daar ben ik in gaan zitten…

(Scarum) op een gegeven moment hoorde en voelde ik dat het mis ging en ben ik naar de andere kant van het gebouw gerend, en probeerde binnen te komen via een open raam, maar op het moment dat ik daardoor begon te klimmen voelde ik me naar het exploderende gebouw gezogen worden……..

(Scarum) dus toen heb ik mezelf net naar binnnen weten te slepen, direct onder het raam tegen de muur aan en toen brak bij mij de paniek uit… 

(Scarum) jullie moesten al wel dood zijn… dus toen vond ik er op het allerlaatste moment vrede mee, voordat alles zwart werd….

(Big Mike) visioen voor dresden?

(Scarum) nee wacht effe we zijn er nog niet…

(Scarum) 3 maanden later, denk ik, weet ik niet…

(Scarum) doe ik opeens mijn ogen open, sta op met een pijnlijk en veranderd lichaam, dun, mijn maag kleeft aan elkaar, mijn hoofd doet pijn…

(Scarum) het blijkt dat ik het overleefd heb maar drie maanden ofzo in coma heb gelegen.

(Scarum) Ik wordt rondgeleid in wat vroeger dus dat gebouw was, wat explodeerde, het is opnieuw opgebouwd… *het was om te beginnen een combinatie *qua bouw dan* van st. jan en hoogeveld, nu is het meer een studentenflat geworden, met een koffieshop op de gang, prachtige natuur overal eromheen, en ik loop daar rond als in een droom (sic!)

(Scarum) en toen werd ik wakker…

(Scarum) nogal aangedaan kan ik je vertellen…

(Big Mike) raar droompje

(Scarum) yep

(Scarum) ik was bereid te sterven…

(Scarum) en deed dat ook…

(Scarum) en toen opeens liep ik weer rond… maar ik was heel iemand anders, hoewel ik mezelf was…

(Scarum) daarna ben ik maar weer gaan slapen… dat heeft helaas tot een uur geleden geduurd, nu heb ik gvd nog niets gedaan vandaag!!!!!!!!!!

(Scarum) kutzooi…

(Big Mike) dromen is lekker!

(Scarum) nou ja lekker…

(Scarum) de andere dromen die ik vandaag gehad, zitten ook ongeveer in het zelfde genre…

(Scarum) dus ik weet niet of ik er zo blij mee moet zijn… misschien dat mijn onderbewuste me iets aan het vertellen is… zo van: de shit is about to explode in your face motherfucker!!!!!!!

(Big Mike) kan van alles betekenen natuurlijk

(Scarum) : ) ?

(Scarum) oh ja… het KAN vanalles betekenen, maar ik vond die part met dat doodgaan toch wel erg convincing…

(Scarum) en ik vond dat ik ook erg snel zo iets had van: ok, i’m cool, laat maar komen dan…

(Scarum) peace out.

(Big Mike) weet je nog wat koele bands?

(Scarum) ben je aan het napsteren?

(Big Mike) yep

(Scarum) eh…

(Scarum) sonic??

(Scarum) hehehe

(Scarum) geen idee man…

(Scarum) wat ga je trouwens vanavond doen?

(Big Mike) geen idee

(Big Mike) is er iets te doen dan?

(Scarum) eh dat niet, maar ik heb zin om een stuk te fietsen… als het je leuk lijkt kan ik langskomen?

(Big Mike) kom maar langs

(Scarum) ok…

(Scarum) tegen een uur of ??????

(Big Mike) you say it

(Scarum) ehmmmmm

(Scarum) ik moet nog eten…

(Scarum) dus eh…

(Scarum) tussen 8 en 9?

(Big Mike) isgoe

(Scarum) allrighty…

(Scarum) zal ik nog iets meenemen?

(Big Mike) je kunt misschien nog wat van je mp3s meenemen

(Big Mike) oke

(Scarum) tjaa… ik heb de coole niet hier… die heeft eelco… maar zal es kijken wat ik heb… 

(Scarum) ok… 

(Big Mike) neem nog wat films mee, waaronder southpark 

(Scarum) hmmmmmm

(Big Mike) voor danielle

(Scarum) is goed… zal wel effe kijken… 

(Scarum) hehehehe

(Scarum) allright… 

(Scarum) dan ga ik nu maar eens koken ofzo… 

(Big Mike) moi aussi

(Big Mike) jij ook 

(Scarum) smakelijk en tot später!

(Big Mike) oke

(Scarum) ik zie je straks dan ok?

(Big Mike) isgoed

(Big Mike) bye

(Scarum) allrighty byebye!

Monday 24 July 2000 04:54

Added a (dutch) newsticker, cuz this ís the news section and hey, it’s my site! : )

Monday 24 July 2000 03:44

Back in the chair in front of the light spewing boxes, the humming metal and the strange signs of HTML. I slept all through sunday, because i finally hit the sack at 10:30 am. When i woke up the BBC was broadcasting Star Trek – Voyager. After seeing that, and having some breakfast, i decided to rid my place of some of the mess that had been made during the last week, you know, with the festival and everything. But alas, not much came of it… I left a girl in my room, to watch the X-Files, eating crisps from a bowl, curled up on my couch; and went to a dorm in the east of the city. There i met with Guaka and played some djembe while he was freakin’ the guitar. Pretty cool… Just now i was messaged by an american girl from germany, who was into photography and fetish. She told me, when asked about her piercings, and i quote: “yes, its quite nice really. your nipples give a tickle during the day for no reason! yum…”. I think i’m gonna find out what it costs to have your nipples pierced… 🙂 A kiss to a special girl, who is gonna visit my page pretty soon, i hope! {smooooch *-tje!} Byebye

Sunday 23 July 2000 08:32

Isn’t it amazing? I’m still awake! I should get some sleep now, my eyes are starting to bulge, my neck is stiff as a hard throbbing cock and the television programs have changed in tone: educational, informative. Gotta go, gotta flee. The time is now, the rest I leave to Thee, Morpheus!

Seconds remaining until januari 1, 2001; the new MilleniuM

Sunday 23 July 2000 05:31

You could say i’m suffering from ADHD, but that would be a gross underestimation of my cannabis-use. 🙂 So what is it about the night that keeps me up ’till the darkness has receded into the west? Again the gray cloudy dutch day is creeping in through the slates of my luxaflex… Underneath the curtains, the first rays of a dull summerday-sun are exploring the dust, gathering on the window-pane. Our neighbours to the east, the Germans, have this great tradition of broadcasting tv-recordings of festivals and performances by various artists. Tonite’s feature was Black Uhuru. I couldn’t help but notice that the lead-singer felt a bit uneasy staring down at all the white faces. Immediately after that Heather Nova was crooning her songs (with a lot of feedback) into my room…actually is at the moment. Singing about touching herself, strumming her guitar… Makes me wanna get onstage again. We’re probably playing somewhere around october in Nijmegen, with two other bands in a club for students called Diogenes, after that weirdo greek who was so goddamn comfortable alone in his barrel, he caught the eye of some big cahuna-motherfucker. Maybe people should read more greek classics and look about them… Just a thought… 

*I’m not touched, but i’m achin’ to be*

Sunday 23 July 2000 01:39

Well here we go again! I updated the resolution-settings so this baby will look ship-shape in a 1024 x 768 resolution, but i still recommend 1280 x 1024!

The New Way button is working again and will take you to the people who are the jazz of webdesign!

Hey, whadda ya want me to say? I work for ’em!

Also added a “powered by”-button, cuz it was long overdue! Go have a look over there @ IndusTree!

Of course that’s my band, what the fuck else do you expect me to plug? : )

Well, I’m-a-gonna smoke me another one and chill out a bit! Have a nice weekend, to whomever reads this shit!

Disclaimer: I have no idea where that last hyperlink is gonna lead you, and the person who owns that site has nothing to do with me, or the contents of this website!

Saturday 22 July 2000 19:48

Lots of entries today! I updated the grafix section some more with some of my own artwork, some stuff by my good friend Josh and some work by a group of poets and artists with whom i’ve been putting together a book combining art and poetry! I guess i’m gonna check on my laundry now, get a shower and perhaps see about some dinner…

Saturday 22 July 2000 15:35

Just woke up, dreamt about a huge drumkit i couldn’t get together. I knew once i would get that fucker together i would probably play like a god, but i just couldn’t get it together. Guess that’s the story of my life. Somebody called me, but i was too tired to answer the phone, so i didn’t. Learned that trick from a good friend of mine. Janis is singing summertime at the moment. I guess i’ll just crawl back into bed and read some. Oh yeah before i forget! Who the fuck are YOU? Later!

Saturday 22 July 2000 3:00 am

Went to a festival in my town, been going on for a week, took along my djembe and asked Guaka! to bring his guitar. We read someplace that there would be a free stage where we could play some. But I guess the lame-asses that built the site didn’t know what was happening at the festival. I guess i’m a bit disappointed in the whole festival, first two days were nice, after that i guess the alcohol and dope were taking their toll. Frustration, a sobering experience to go beyond excess.

Friday 21 July 2000

Just added some new pix in the Grafix section, Peyote! Go check it out! The form in the column section should be working by next week! As you can see this site now has a news/journal section, where i will be posting some of my thoughts, experiences, news and other noteworthy material. Feel free to comment on the news: Mail me!