2001 – 2002


Sunday 21 July 2002 7:54

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Thursday 18 July 2002 23:33

Talked about the future concerning my job, there seems to be some perspective, but it’s not at all clear what is going to happen precisely. Read all nite tuesday. Slept during the day. Fixed the site, S came over, which was really nice, later on D showed up, we head out into town, ended up at the club and got home really late.

Today went by slowly, we woke too early, slept some more, then I finished the site, went to work, did the inventory, came home, ate dinner, now i’m waiting for SMaids to arrive. There’s a party on the beach tonite, where we’ll be shimmyin’ and shakin’ it.

Tomorrow there’s the trip home, to fix the pool… That’ll be my weekend. It’s okAy, I’ll brinG A book. I’ll put My latest story online, so i can write at it… I guess things weren’t that clear after all… The distance is very great, even though phones bring it closer. I’m not sure if it’ll ever work out.

Sunday I will be dropping in on D, i’m travelling through V-town anyway, so why not get off the train for a few and visit him…

AE is depressing the hell out of me. Nothing’s happening, nothing’s gonna happen. I don’t know… It’s all at a standstill. I have to find out how to do my solostuff. Fast. I need to get organized. I need some head =) So many pretty girls in this town… Damn.

Well i’m puttin it down, but you’re not picking it up

yeah i’m puttin’ it down, but you treat me like a clown

And i don’t wanna be funny. Oh yeah, the spirit moves me, the wankers push me, the bosses cut my ass, i’m the butt of the joke, the last of the class. Goddamn. I’m gonna steal the quarterbacks’ girl tonite, i’m gonna blindfold her and drag her down to the mill. In the hay, in the hay we’ll roll, she’ll feel me feelin’ her up. You can call me once a week, tell me where i been

phony lady layin’ flat on the road

I don’t think it’s funny, when you shave both of my arms

Lately i’ve been spittin out things, that i didn’t mean to say

But that’s okay now, you don’t listen to me anyway

Tuesday 16 July 2002 5:13

NP: The Cure – To Wish Impossible Things

Sunday I talked to G about politics and stuff, he showed up around 12am then left again around 4pm. Went with K and M to the feasts in town, it got pretty late.

Looks like i’ve been taught a lesson. Okay, you win. Whatever.

Today I got a call from D, telling me about J who’d jumped him. Apparently it did not happen.

Tomorrow I have to be at work, to talk about what’s next.

Saw S today, he told me he wanted to see me in action sometime. Me too.

I’m thinking about calling it quits after the anniversary. I might wanna concentrate a bit more on other writings. We’ll see.

I’m at a low

Monday 15 July 2002 20:15

Fridaynite turned into something of a situation. Not very pleasant. Saturdaynite was very good. Very nice music.

Friday 12 July 2002 21:47

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – More

Thursday I woke up, went to work, had a talk about my future there, which was rather positive. In the evening I took up writing again. I started a story a few months ago and suddenly I felt the urge to get into it again. After a few hours, I went out to have a drink. Boy oh boy… There was a lot of eyecandy up and about last night.

This morning I felt really bad. I wasn’t hung-over or anything… Just bad bad cramps in my stomach. So I cancelled all my appointments for today and stayed in bed. I still feel a bit queasy, but it’s a lot better now. I think my current state is due to the veggy lasagna I had a while ago.

J, Zieg and I are supposed to show up any minute now… So I’m really curious how J is holding up. A bit nervous about that too… Or could it be… Naaah… Hell I don’t know.

Tomorrow there’s a Planet Rose Special. If all goes well i’ll be able to get some tickets in time. Suzy and D, Josh and me are going to get our groove on, me hopes. Although I have to be back in my right state of mind for the sunday encounter. There’s still stuff I have to do. I will tackle all that tomorrow. Just a matter of getting up a bit early.

Thursday 11 July 2002 3:52

Slept a bit during the day, monday. Got up in the late afternoon and dove back into bed around 1 am. Horrible heat that nite. Tuesday I got up rather early. Worked on the site, dropped by my work, got home, slept, cooked dinner, had a drink at the club. Got in bed rather late. Today I woke up, fell asleep again, woke up, fell asleep again. Some seriously fucked up dreams these days… It was flying ants day tuesday. The swallows were having a field-day.

I cleaned and did the dishes today. Feels good to have everything back in ship-shape condition. S dropped by and we discussed my curriculum. It needs some more work. Been sitting and watching some stuff about planets. Working on the site again, trying to figure all this php stuff out. Pretty heavy for a n00b. Anyway I hope i’ll get some response from the community, otherwise i’ll check out the stuff myself tomorrow and talk with the man.

Tomorrow i’m gonna finish the site and present it to my boss. Hope he can dig it. We’ll see. Gonna make my bed now and read a bit until I fall asleep. Here come the nite…

Monday 8 July 2002 11:23

NP: Atom Heart – Automatic Composition

My eye is bitching me… Damn. It itches, although it shouldn’t. Hayfever days are over… Aren’t they? Couldn’t sleep all nite, so I read a bit, read some more, read until it was bright and there was another day. So I got up and started thinking about the work that had to be done… A lot of thinking and figuring out, but by now I have some ideas clear in my head. I think it’s gonna work out just fine. We’ll see.

Now i’m not sure what to do. I could go lie down a bit… Which would be really really nice, or I could do the dishes… And I have to be alert becuz there’s some phonecalls later on. I’m hungry, but i’m a bit too tired to fix me sumthin’. The weather’s nice though. At least the weather’s nice…

Monday 8 July 2002 2:07

NP: The Cure – Prayers for Rain (live)

The party was a big hit last saturday. Many friends showed up, everybody had a good time. It was good to see my friends again… Looks like SmAIDS has got a dog now. Later on J got a bit bitchy, but we managed to keep it all in good spirits. I left in the morning, not feeling up to dealing with annoying neighbours. I waited for Q and Smaids to join me, but apparently they found another place to crash.

After I came home, I took a shower, settled down a bit and laid myself to rest. Had a good sleep. Today I did my laundry, some thinking about work and trying not to hurt too much from that chairdivin’ thingy last nite 😉

Now it’s time to hit the sack again… Gonna read for a bit… Tomorrow’s quite an important day… There are some things I have to start considering…

Guaka is leaving for Paris tomorrow… I didn’t elaborate the goodbye. I didn’t think that either of us would want elaborate goodbyes… I wished him and I the best of luck over there… If all goes well he’ll be seeing me pretty soon again, i’ll visit. Always wanted to see Paris, seen it only once long ago. Anyway… Off you go, buddy… All the best to ya…

Saturday 6 July 2002 16:04

NP: Skinny Puppy – Love in Vein

It’s dark out there. There’s daylight, but it’s grey. It’s not warm, there’s wind. It looks like a beautiful day to me…

Got the lock for my bike and went to work yesterday. Ar0und 7 Zieg picked me up to go have some dinner somewhere. We ended up doing the mexican thing =)

After dinner we had a drink outside somewhere, in the wind and (sporadic) rain. Bumped into A, which was less weird than i’d thought. More rain ensued and we decided that the best thing to do was find a bar, get inside, drink some more. I proposed we go to this bar were some colleagues of mine were at. Good choice, great fun.

After Zieg had left, we headed for the club where we took up the well known niche in the back of the basement. Unfortunately the booze and stuff was taking its’ toll. We sat outside for a bit, trying to convince M not to pull a trafficsign out of the ground. It didn’t look as if we were gonna succeed, so we went back to my place, to call them a cab. The cab never showed, but we had some fun listening to music, chillin’ on the balcony. Eventually we checked out the railwaystation to see if there were cabs waiting. I hope they survived…

I fell asleep this morning, into some weird dreams. Heroic madness, trauma and bloodloss… Scarum! Guaka called me, which woke me… Now I have to do things, but i’m still a bit fucked up (=

Tonite there’s a gardenparty for which I’m expected to show. I’m still thinking about taking the cam with me. Perhaps a bit too much responsibility for right now. Perhaps there’ll be some pretty single women… Not very likely though.

Friday 5 July 2002 16:00

NP: Dr. Dre – Some L.A. Niggaz

Talks went okay yesterday. Got the gig, perhaps some more in the future. Had the AEmeeting, can’t say it turned my head around. I’m still not sure things would be different in the future, nor do I think that there’ll be much more drive… I have to think about this.

Rest of the nite was really weird… Treasurehunt, harassment, irritation. All these things made me feel really fucked up by the time I hit the club. So I decided that there was only one thing to do…

I came home and watched M.A.S.H. Fell asleep, had nightmares all nite. Woke up confused and fucked up. bah. Gonna get me a lock for my bike, do some work and chill tonite. I really gotta take it easy for a bit. It’s all askew in my head.

Thursday 4 July 2002 16:09

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Heartland

Yesterday I composed the plan for work, deliberating what to put in there. Difficult. After work Fluffy showed up and we had a few drinks walking around town. Eventually ended up at the club, with R and G and a few other people, which wasn’t too bad actually. Afterwards a brief glimpse of fear and loathing in a dorm, miami vice style entrances… Got to sleep quite late.

In a minute I’ll be heading off to work again. Gotta talk to the big boss about the assignment and perhaps even about the future. Still not too clearheaded, but what the hell, right? Anyway. Tonite is a big AE meeting. Don’t really feel like going and facing everyone. I have to make sure, that whatever happens, I don’t decide anything. I have to give myself some space on this issue.

Wednesday 3 July 2002 14:11

NP: The Cure – Catch

That director in Florida was looking for a job and he thought I was gonna give him one. There seems to be some confusion surrounding HomelandProductions, because there’s a dotcom out there that’s producing movies. Hence the misunderstanding.

A few months back I received an email from a composer telling me in a friendly manner that the promised pieces of music would be complete a week or so later. I was very confused and wrote back words to that effect. I never received an answer. Mondaynite I finally discovered whom those words were ment for. It seems there’s another Scarum out there, who’s a friend of the composer. Again things got mixed up.

So I called this other Scarum and to my great delight, he turned out to be a very friendly soul, who writes poetry and prose, organizes poetry-slams and makes music as well. I was amazed at all the coincidences that rushed towards me that evening. Anyway, we had a very interesting and amusing talk about similarities and words. I sincerely hope there will be more contact.

After these things happened, I was so fired up, I called G to go out and have a drink, which we did. I rattled the poor guys’ ears off with all my enthusiastic rants. Eventually we ended up at my place listening to some very good music.

There are some new considerations concerning the free-lance thing I was gonna do and I need some time to think things through. Unfortunately time is up and I have to start deciding things rather quickly now. I’ll be heading off to work in about an hour, to get my mind straightened out and my thoughts on paper, so I can present my boss with a clear concept. Too bad my mind is really cloudy on this subject.

Yesterday I spent my afternoon with D talking about the possibilities regarding my job and future employments. Not much real stuff emerged. Talked to A who happened to walk by.

In the evening E dropped by who’d brought me a new bike =) I was very happy about that… We talked, cooked dinner, drank some wine. A very nice evening in all. After she was gone I read some info about how the placebo-effect works and got a bit deeper into psychiatric supportmethods. Fell fast asleep after that… Dreaming of weird tattoo’s…

I woke up today… Realising that there’s a lot to do… I decided to update the log first, though. Think over the last couple of days. Alot has happened and there have been some changes in my mind. I’m thinking of completely ending my time with AE. I want to be free to experiment and take on every gig I can… Right now I feel that’s not possible.

It’s raining… I have to alter my resumé, send it and head off to work. I feel strange. Got an email I didn’t expect. I feel strange.

Tuesday 2 July 2002 16:05

NP: Radiohead – Bones

Monday I spent the most part of the day at the office, trying to figure out what exactly they wanted me to do… I think the idea is clear now and I made some preparations for the eventuality the plan would actually be executed. It was a long day at work and when I got home, after some groceries, I had my dinner and proceeded to surf the web. I received a strange email from a florida-based director who was looking for work. So I called Florida. Weird stuff.

Monday 1 July 2002 1:51

I got distracted this morning, so I didn’t finish my logentry. I fell asleep eventually and had a rough day.

At the club I met some people I know. It was a rather strange experience, because I talked to people whom normally I guess I would avoid. I can’t say it was very pleasant. So I tried not to say too much, just be polite and move on.

I met E again… She was in a festive, flirty mood, but since I’d had a long day, I did not make much of an effort to party. Obviously there were more people interested in her and tried to get up close and personal. Eventually we ended up talking a bit more and staying to help clean up after hours.

While drinking some more at the afterparty, I had a nice talk with T, which jogged my enthusiasm for the performing arts. It’s been too long. Again. Goddamnit. Anyway… E suddenly felt bad, fainting all over the place, so I took her home, tried to make her comfortable, but eventually she was adamant about going home, so I walked with her for a bit until she felt strong enough to ride her bike home. I called her today. She got home fine.

After E left, I watched a bit of Star Trek, read a little and fell fast asleep. I was pretty wasted. Unfortunately, a few hours later, Guaka and I called to pick up their stuff. I hoped they’d hurry, cuz I was feeling very faint. After they left, I tried very hard to get back to sleep and eventually slept ’till 8 this evening.

I ordered 2 new jeans, cuz the 2 I have are getting old. It’s expensive, but I can’t walk around without pants, right? =) Burned some roms tonite, so i have some more space on my HD. I want to get back into video-editing, that’s why I need the space. Watched some tv, did my laundry… Generally taking it easy, it’s been a really heavy, damaging weekend, although I have to say I sure had fun.

Tomorrow I have to go to work. Probably for the last time. Fortunately D got me a freelance gig involving some graphic design. Hopefully everything will go according to plan, cuz I can earn some good money if it all goes through. I have to find a new job anyway, though. I’m actually curious how this is gonna work out. It’s not bad, I’m not feeling depressed. I’m here, i’m ready…

Sunday 30 June 2002 8:34

yeah… well… What can I say? Friday I worked, at night there was a party a G’s, about 10 people in all. Pretty cool. Guaka was there as well. After a while there was a vote to go to the club, where I eventually left too drunk and toasted. I walked I home, a bit confused. I fell asleep around 8am.

Woke distraught, hung over, ready for bear. I didn’t sleep much after that because i got a few phonecalls, asking me to go to a street rave in DB. Eventually I agreed. Q had read my story, so I was planning to get some reviews from him.

There was some mixup about the cars, but we got underway after some debating. We found the meeting-place and joined the trek for a few hours. When we got to the station me and G & I decided it was time to head back to N-town, to catch the party in the forest.

When we got to my place, I cooked us dinner, we listened to some humorous stuff and headed towards nevez gnag around ten pee’em. We didn’t waste any time there and headed on over to the forest. Of course there were some overzealous cops who deemed it necessary to fuck us up and throw us off course.

When we arrived at the site the fire was already lit and we proceeded to have a party. Things got a little bit weird, but great songs and rants were performed. So no complaints about that. In the end, after riding a bike with Zieg, I decided that the club was the best thing to do.

Friday 28 June 2002 12:45

NP: The Cure – There is no if

Had a horrible experience last nite with some potatoes. I bought them at a supermarket not too far from here, where I normally do my shopping. When I opened the little baggy to throw them into the pan, I noticed a strange smell, but didn’t think too much of it, cuz ya know, potatoes can smell a bit weird sometimes. So I made dinner and sat down to eat. After a few bites, I suddenly noticed this incredible foul taste coming off the potatoes. You won’t believe this, but it tasted like fertilizer… And yes by that I mean DUNG! It was so fucking nasty I nearly threw up. Eventually I got a hold of myself and ditched my dinner.

I called them this morning -hey have a service-number-, they were quite surprised when I explained what happened. They promised to look into it and get back to me… We’ll see… To be continued.

Friday 28 June 2002 11:51

NP: Lights in a Fat City – Surya

Just woke up. That was deep sleep. Damn. Too bad i’ve forgotten all my dreams already. They were weird again. I only remember the feeling. Still trying to keep my eyes open against the light (B

I see someone has signed my guestbook. Nice. Thanx C! Appreciate it. I’ve always been curious about who does read this. I was thinking… There’s a 2 year anniversary coming up. 2 years of Scarum’s NEWS. I would like to do something special, but i’m not sure what I should do. Perhaps change the colors of the site to some really weird ones, just for a day. That would be phun, wouldn’t it?

I’m gonna try and update my own site a bit with more pictures and poetry, more links. Wanted to do that for some time now, but somehow it just never happened. You know how it is. First up though, there’s a spot of work. I’ll work from 1pm ’till 4 today. So i’ll get a few hours in. Should find me more decent work though. Work that’s a bit more steady, more reliable, more responsibility, better pay. Hope I get to enjoy my weekend.

Not much news today, ‘xcept for another mediaplayer-patch from M$the hunt for a communist hacker, Castle rock, the comet and plantsthe net’s a male thing and a drunkard who rammed a church… Thankgod it’s FRIDAY… Oh yeah!

Friday 28 June 2002 2:39

NP: Future Sound of London – Life Form Ends

Still behind this thing. So damn addicted to computers. It’s late again and a beautiful moon is out.

I’ve added a GuestBook for your bitchin’ pleasure (=

I will try and go to sleep in a minute. I was gonna go out, but… I dunno… Don’t feel like it… Maybe I’ll read a bit… Get some work done tomorrow… Perhaps a better idea… Guaka called again and is thinking about dropping by tomorrow… Thirsty… Need water.

Thursday 27 June 2002 19:12

Got a call from Guaka… We’re NOT playing the summerfeasts in two weeks. After AE cancelled, I was toying with the idea to get IndusTree back onstage. But I guess Guaka isn’t sure whether he’ll be in town. After I told him that the gig would be pro deo, he resolutely declined. Well, I guess it was too good to be true anyway.

I’ve been reading too much logs. I’m not sure that I want to belong to this loggingcommunity… Is there a community? Hmm… I dunno… Well nothing changes of course. I’m gonna watch a science program about synesthesia. Pretty cool. Maybe I’ll go get me some more roms. I need more roms.

Thursday 27 June 2002 15:48

NP: The Doors – Wild Child

Still listening to The Doors. 40 minutes later. A few logs later. Incredible. We all seem so alike. People do have the same fantasies, the same fears, hopes, reminiscences… There are even people who drink “Spezi” and like it.

I called my work and cancelled for today. It’s not working. I can’t get myself to do it. I need something better.

I’ve been thinking alot about the future of ArtEfficiency. It’s not very realistic to think that we will actually will pull this off. Too much adversity, too little drive. People don’t have enough time, have got others things to do. And this hits me just while we are gaining some momentum. People dig the show, they like it, it’s original. The poetry is good. So what now. Just wait and see if we survive? Should I quit? Try and go solo? I want to get back onstage. I feel a real need to be doing something besides the work. Another important reason is, that now for… -well not the first time, but it’s hitting home-, I feel that I have the talent, the stamina and balls to get up on a stage and do the things I like to do and have people like it. That’s a very special feeling. One I don’t want to let go, let slip away, fade… Just because other people don’t feel the same about it as I do. Well, sorry, but I have to move on. I have to… If I don’t it’s just as well that i’d have an accident, or die from some horrible infliction.

I’m still sitting here buttnaked. From the moment I got up, which was hours ago, up to now. I know there’s a sun outside. If I want to see it, I just hit the cam-link. Strange how this summer is different from all the ones that preceded it. In some ways better, hopeful… In other ways worse, more empty. Still, as I commented to someone earlier today: It’s great to feel that i’m feeling, great to feel alive. That sort of makes a difference. Gets me through and distracts me from depression. 

Waiting for you to come along

Waiting for you to hear my song

Waiting for you to come along

Waiting for you to tell me what went wrong

This is the strangest life I’ve ever known

I’ll have a brötchen in a minute and head on into town, to get me some roms, soak in some life. Tonite i’ll see some friends. I feel good. I feel eternity. I feel mortality. I feel me… (I feel you, I feel all of you…) Everything all of the time. All over the world simultaneously, now. Flying, looking up, against a blue sky. Sun. Love. That face. Por la carretera…

Thursday 27 June 2002 15:18

NP: The Doors – You make me Real

Goddamnit… I’m hooked and why don’t they show my updates? GRrrrr… Okay so women need sperm to be happy… I need pussyjuice to be happy… Hey! There’s concept that works… 😉

Thursday 27 June 2002 15:03

NP: The Doors – We could be so good together

damn… I have to get away from these (b)loglists… AAaarrgghhh I’m gettin sucked into it… nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Thursday 27 June 2002 14:34

NP: The Doors – Been Down So Long

Well, I eventually did go out… Ended up at the club, talked to the cute german girl, drank a bit. When it was nearly over, I decided to do the smart thing and just go. Slept pretty long, right now i’m delaying the inevitable… I have to go to work, but I don’t want to… Talked to E a bit on the comp. Looks like I might get a bike pretty soon =). Weird lyrics, by the way.

Added my log to a list, don’t know why actually… Oh well… Gotta get me some roms and start burnin’ again… Need harddickspace 😉

Thursday 27 June 2002 0:50

Worked another 8 hours Tuesday. I’m quite busy these days. Tuesday nite we played soccer for the last time this season. With a little luck we’ll have a new team up and kicking by mid-july. After soccer I had dinner, hung out a bit… Talked to both D and J on the phone. D’s back in the country and this time for good it seems. J is thinking about getting some anthroposophic help… Well, why not…? Wanted to go out for a bit, maybe see some people, but eventually decided against it, because of a few different reasons. First off, I was tired as fuck and I wasn’t going to be such great company, second I didn’t want to see specific persons for fear of the turmoil they cause… (; So I did the smart thing and after a long, loving glance at the beautiful moon, I went to bed around 1:30 am and dozed off quite nicely…

Of course I did have weird dreams again. I always seem to have weird dreams… Wonder why… Might be my personality? Or my history of mild hallucinogenic substance abuse =) Anyway, slept a bit late today, woke up around 12, had breakfast and went to work. Hung around there way too long… I’ve been seriously deliberating what to do about my professional situation. I haven’t come up with any answers yet. It’s pretty difficult.

After work I came home, watched some telly, read some news and stuff, watched a movie -still a great movie- and now i’m thinking about going to the club for a drink. I’m not sure I want to, but i feel like going out for a bit. It’s nice weather right now, I could use the walk (ahum… It’s only a few hundred meters) and the weather report said it’s gonna rain soon. Decisions decisions… Maybe if someone would join me… Hmmm… Dunno yet. First things first, get this update online and then… We’ll see…

Tuesday 25 June 2002 1:22

NP: The Cure – At Night

Worked all day today. Worked long and hard, ten hours in all… Not bad. Didn’t feel so bad today. Still a bit shaky from last night, but I guess I will live. Otherwise I’d be dead already =)

It was a bit of a cool day today. A little wind… Not bad. Now there’s a big-ass moon out:

*lousy pic I know, wasn’t gonna hook up the cam for this*

Watched a bit of tv, talked to Guaka on the phone, now it’s beddy time… Early tomorrowmorning I have to be at work again. I’m tired.

Monday 24 June 2002 0:59

Wow, panic, fear, pain, nausea, dizzyness, long distance phonecalls, numbers never dialled before, not so zen. Calmer now, freaked still, a bit. Boy oh boy… My bed is calling me… Come to me, lay down, read a bit and fall asleep. Long day tomorrow. Other voices more distant… Calling for action. In doubt still, a bit. What if… A little bit of trust… All this panic… I’ll sit outside for a bit, before going to bed. Just chill. Take it easy. You’re ok.

Sunday 23 June 2002 21:58

Scarum.com is up again, happy about that. Right now the sun is setting, the buildings were (it’s now 22:26, zieg called) set ablaze in red fire-light. My trainjourney wasn’t all that great yesterday, had a lot of delays, but used them wisely =) Had fun in The Hague with Guaka and I. We sat in the dunes, relaxing, talking to some friends of Guaka’s. On the other side of the dune-valley there was a high school party, which quickly enough split and joined our party. There was an interaction between the two all night long. Great fun. We eventually took a cab back home.

After a short night, I woke up this morning, hung around for a bit, waiting for them to get up, but they didn’t so I decided to take my leave of the seaside-city and head back home. Fortunately, this time my journey was a fast and smooth one. I sat here all day, took a nap and right now i’m washing clothes, doing the dishes, watching tv, have to do some cooking and orange squeezing… Lots of things to do still… Tomorrow is gonna be really early again. 9 am I have to be at work. Long day tomorrow, but that’s just fine. I’ll survive. Here comes the summer. Seriously… Here it comes…

Saturday 22 June 2002 15:47

NP: Dr. Dre – Big Ego’s

Worked friday, but shit went wrong… So I worked ’till quite late. We’ll be cleaning house all day monday.

Fridaynite I met up with M&D at the park, people playing djembe’s, interesting conversations. Later on back at the house, Mikey and me sat outside and talked for a few hours. Pretty interesting stuff. Unfortunately I had to walk back home. I walked for about 45 minutes before eventually reaching my pad.

Woke around 14:00, now i’ll do a bit of cleaning, wash my clothes and in an hour or so i’ll be heading for The Hague to see Guaka. The weather doesn’t look too good, so I guess the beach won’t be an option. We’ll see.

The other day I emailed with Chris Korda of ILTW-fame. Weird =). I feel a bit weird right now. But I guess that’s okay. I’ll just flow. Or at least try to.

Friday 21 June 2002 2:50

NP: Lustmord – The Place where the black Stars hang

Worked today, came home, burned roms, ate dinner, met up with Guaka and I in the park across the street. Talked a bit, drank some wine, made a date for saturday and saw them off. Spent some time talking to Mikey on the phone, watched some lame tv, burned more roms… It’s late, tomorrow there’s work again. I have to sleep. Scarum.com is still offline, this log is nearly two years old, I’m bored and uncomfortable. Bah.

Thursday 20 June 2002 12:18

NP: Pete Namlook, Klaus Schulze and Bill Laswell – The Final DAT- Part V

Tuesday was a hell of a day. I worked all day, then played soccer (6 ppl, many scores by me :), then directly on to the club where I spun the wheels. During the show, I snuck out to get some last minute groceries. Afterwards I stayed a bit too long, so I overslept a bit.

Worked all day wednesday, that evening there was an AE-meeting, where it was decided that there will be no performance at the summerfeasts. I can’t deny that I’m very disappointed.

Today I have to work again. I guess Guaka will be dropping by tonite. Right now I don’t want to think ahead or anything. I’ll go with the flow today. Best to do that… Scarum.com still doesn’t work… Goddamnit… WTF?

Tuesday 18 June 2002 8:49

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Doctor Jeep

Haven’t slept much… Monday was spent in limbo… In the evening I hung with Zieg, dj4I’s, K, Richy and DT. I couldn’t get to sleep at all last nite… It was so incredibly hot. And right now even before the day is good and well underway, it’s already completely sweaty. It’s fucking tropical.

Work today. Then soccer, then Propaganda. Hopefully things will be cooler towards the end of the day. This is insanity.

Monday 17 June 2002 4:57

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Lucretia My Reflection

Friday I got the posters done for Propaganda, got me some more roms, dropped by an employmentoffice and rode the train home. Fridaynite I spent talking, digging into my past and beyond here and there.

Saturday greeted me with suffocating heat… The sludgefest was about to begin. We worked the sludge all day until Smaids arrived and it turned into an extended team effort. Ended a bit sour after footage and allegations, drug use…

Sunday the job was finished, fruity vitamine-rich drinks were had and trains didn’t ride. Eventually I got home, hit the store, watched tv and a movie, saved some of my ramblings from rom onto disk again. Did me a lot of good. I feel inspired. Now in another soaring hot morning, sleep awaits me. Shit… It’s getting to be so goddamn hot again… Oh… Scarum.com is down. Homeland’s still up… Gotta pay that bill! Gotta remember!

Friday 14 June 2002 7:03

NP: The Animals – The House of The Rising Sun

Around 3:30 I decided to go check out the club, but it was totally lame. I hung out with the dj for about an hour and when the basement closed, I decided to go home. When I walked into the hall upstairs I got jumped by this cute little german girl. Unfortunately I was so damn tired I had to drag my sorry ass home. Hope I see her sometime soon…

sleep now, tomorrow another journey by train… Funny this. I feel sleepy and awake at the same time.

Friday 14 June 2002 1:33

NP: Plateau – Dutch Flowers (Extended Remix)

Wednesday I got word that there was work again. In the evening S dropped by and we discussed having to deal with professions, working all week, stuff like that. Around 3 am I was in bed, trying to sleep, last time I looked at the clock before I finally succeeded it was 4 am.

Woke up this morning, did breakfast, went to work (on time!) and worked all day. I don’t get it, now they tell me there’s at least two weeks worth of work and there might be coming more. It’s really difficult to get my head around this firm… Anyway, when I got home I was so fucked up, becuz of backpains -that are still killing me 🙁 -, I decided to watch some Richard Pryor, which was funny as hell. Then I nodded off…

Woke a few hours ago, cooked me some dinner, got me some brownies and called to see who’s heading into town tonite, but not many people are I guess, cuz a lot of ’em are doing the club-trip-weekend-thingy tomorrowmorning. Oh well… I’ll just go see who’s out and about, drink me some and come back home if it ain’t fun.

Tomorrow I have to pick up some posters for Propaganda, get some more roms and head down south, to help my mom fix the pool. Smaids will be there too, but not until saturday. I’ll bring something to read, I guess. Maybe it would a good opportunity to write a bit, think about the script or prepare some solostuff… Hmmmm…

Wednesday 12 June 2002 6:26

Yesterday I went to the unemploymentoffice to register… What a useless pain in the ass that was… “Oh you’re so experienced, so broad and flexible” “well, can you get me a job?” “no, your experience is too broad”. Load of horseshit, but oh well… Have to keep on searching for that job… The other one is almost over. I got home and cooked dinner. Talked to A on the phone for about an hour. Later on I met up with G, A and C at O… But we didn’t stay very long. C came over to my place and we watched some AE and other stuff.

I got up and hung around for a bit, chatted a bit… Hmmm… I wonder sometimes. Today we played soccer. Only two more weeks and it’s over. Hopefully there’ll be enough players to go at it another season.

Came home, ate dinner and watched tv, burned some roms… On my way to the club I got stopped by a homeless woman, that I sorta know. She was in distress, talking about killing herself, wanting me to take her home. Quoting jesus, talking about the laying on of hands, paradise, His return… Freaked me out, but I couldn’t just leave her standing, so I held her, talked to her and gave her some money. I didn’t want to be or get that close, but i couldn’t just walk away. Very difficult situation. She wasn’t very clean either.

Talked a bit about my wrist to M, I’m still in too much pain. She told me to go see my doctor. Maybe I should. It was nice to see some people again. It had been a while. Afterwards me and G talked a bit, but there was a lot of rain and it was getting really late, so i headed on home. Watched some tv and now… It’s time to close the gates to hell and (hopefully) open the gates to heaven =)

Monday 10 June 2002 3:33

Saturday Mikey, Zieg, Fluffy were here. Also my other neighbour T came over for a bit. She runs an agency of sorts and is interested in doing something with AE. Hopefully we’ll be able to achieve a cooperation. Eventually M, Z, F and me went into town, ended up at the club eventually. I was supposed to have headed south this morning, but I got too drunk last nite to hack getting up at 11. So I called home and we delayed the whole pool-thing for a week.

Burned some roms today, did the laundry, watched some tv. Also talked to K for a bit about falling in love and related subjects. I’ll get a bottle full of water in a minute to combat the warmth, replenish my bodily fluids and then head off to bed. It’s really warm again. I guess it’s just this room. Music and sleep. yeah… alright.

Saturday 8 June 2002 17:49

NP: Future Sound of London – Cascade

I feel so strange. It feels like i’m on a trip. I worked friday. I went for drinks with Y, D and M after work. Then home, a movie, then sleep. Dark sleep. Weird dreams.

Woke up and was still entangled in the dreams, spoke a bit on the phone… Then sat outside on the balcony, reading, watching people and clouds. I feel so strange.

Friday 7 June 2002 2:00

NP: The Cure – Descent

After work, I got home, ate food that was on the brink of being spoiled, went to the grocerystore, came home to an AE-meeting, for which I was a bit too tired, actually. They left… I watched tv. Internet is so slow right now… Could it be the aftereffects of KPNQwest? I’m so tired now. Work at nine. Sleep now. zzzZZzzZZZzzzZZZzzz

Thursday 6 June 2002 16:00

What a day today… Last nite I taped the Sorry Asses, then hung around a bit. Zieg came back to my place and we watched the gig. I got into bed at 5am…

Around 9 the cableguys were hammering away in the hallway. They finished around 1pm, then I got a call from the old man, trying to get his internetconnection going again. “oh, could you update the site?”, sure why not… I’m not making any money this way… but hey… who cares? right? Goddamnit… Ok, so there were FTP-troubles… I worked around that… Now they’re calling me from work… It’s really urgent, can you come, please? Sure, why not… Tonite there’s an AE-meeting and this place is still a mess… Shit. Now first I gotta clean this mess, go to work, get to a shop to get something to drink for tonite, then off to sleep and work again tomorrow. No, I’m not getting laid anytime soon, no, I haven’t made a lot of money, no, I’m not famous at all… Shit… Right now… I just wanna sleep. bah.bah.bah!

Wednesday 5 June 2002 1:16

NP: U2 – With or Without You

Had a terrible night last nite. Couldn’t get to sleep, somehow I was very agitated, thoughts thundering through my mind. Eventually Julio Cortazár calmed me down a bit and when the clock struck 8, I finally put my soul to rest. I woke up at 12, took a shower and went to work. Stayed there ’till 5, then Mikey and me drove off to the sports-centre. We played soccer, with a full compliment this time, but two guys got injured and it ended on a sombre note for me.

After soccer Mikey and me went looking for my bike, but it was gone. 🙁 So he dropped me off at home. I sat here watching tv, ate dinner, had a shower… Now it’s time to go to bed again… But I really don’t feel like it.

Got a call from dear old. It irritates me sometimes. It’s like I have to keep justifying myself. I hate that. Oh well… Tomorrow it’s gonna be hot, wet day. Unfortunately that sounds better than it’s gonna be. It’s so fucking hot where i work. Even with the windows open and a fan blowing. I’ll read a bit and forget about it all. Tomorrownite Zieg is playing at a club in town. I guess I’ll tape it.

Tuesday 4 June 2002 20:31

My bike was stolen. Alas… To be expected… But still pretty fucked up 🙁

Tuesday 4 June 2002 3:46

NP: IndusTree – Diggin’ up Lou

Been adding some new mp3’s to our mp3.com-site, as well as some pix from the gig last summer. New to the list are “Buzzz”, “Lovein:TheGrass” “Diggin’ up Lou” and “I’d like a shower”. I know I should be in bed by now, but I felt obligated to write a bit about IndusTree, it’s been so long since the last update… A few new songs, some new artwork… Hell why not? It’s helped me through rough shit… IndusTree has… Now it seems IndusTree is over. Perhaps there will be a resurrection someday, somewhere… Who knows. I’ll try and gather as much of the songs as I can and upload them… I want to preserve them all 🙂

Tuesday 4 June 2002 2:08

Hayfever has been hell today. Got a call that work is commencing tomorrowmorning. That means up at 8, work at 9. They’re gonna rig the cable stuff next thursday, so I’ll probably have to move the whole goddamn deskstructure. Shitty, but well… It’s supposed to be one hell of a connection once it’s operational in August. Had some harddrive trouble today. Hope it’s not indicative of larger problems. Really couldn’t use any hassles in that department. I have to try and get some shut eye in a bit… I slept alot today… Trying to give my eyes a rest… Gotta find some time tomorrow to get some medication for my condition. This ain’t good.

Not much happened today, although i had some brief E-conversation with someone about log-ethics… Strange how it’s apparently universal, this mixture of curiosity, animosity and indignation. A lot of semen floating around and immediately people get upset (:

Zieg is back from holiday. I wonder if he had a good time. Well, I’ll be seeing him tomorrow. Soccer… Just 3 more weeks… And then it’s over… Curious to see whether we we’ll continue after summer. Gonna count sheep now… Sheep on drugs… Drugs… Party… Girls… Hmmmm sweet dreams are made of this…

Who am I to disagree…

Monday 3 June 2002 6:15

NP: The Cure – The exploding Boy

Saturdaynite I was here, we had dinner, talked, drank some wine. Afterwards I drove out to GrubneKud to meet Mikey and Smaids for some technoparty. We arrived and sat around a bit, just chillin’. Then everything got seriously fucked up and becuz of a rather large threat to our health (teeth in particular), we decided that the smart thing to do was move, flee, run, get the fuck out of there. Three times’ a charm, but we weren’t gonna sit out number three. So we walked until dawn, arriving at Mikey’s place, exhausted, worn out… I had left my bike at the party, so I borrowed Mikey’s bike and rode back home. The whole thing felt like a nightmare. I still have to go back there to get my bike… A worry for later today.

Sunday happened, slowly creeping by… I’ve been suffering from hayfever all day and my eyes haven’t stopped irritating, dripping with fluid, i’m sneezing my ass off, so much that my arms, neck and torso hurt from the sudden violent airflows. All in all I can state without a doubt that I have and still feel very fucked up.

Anyway… Watched a lot of X-Files, including the series finale… Oh well… No comment on that… Now it’s early morning and i’m gonna crawl into bed in a sec… Hope I’ll sleep a few hours for this day finds me again… yikes… What is the future going to hold for me? And, more importantly, can we fight the future? Mr. Mulder, what do you think? (22-12-2012 TSss… That would be one hell of a X-mas hehehe 😉

Saturday 1 June 2002 16:23

NP: The Breeders – Do you love me now?

Guaka showed up around 7pm last nite, after having been down south losing the ride… We went to a festival of sorts where jazzmen and electromen met and grooved. Pretty cool, especially the final act: DAT Politics. They really kicked ass. Very groovy, very much like IndusTree. We talked to these freaks from Lille, FR backstage. Nice people. pH was there as well, but he left somewhat early.

Afterwards Guaka and me dropped back in at my pad, to hang for a bit, then off to the club. It wasn’t all that great last nite. A bit boring even. Oh well… We were home around 5am and drifted off to sleep really soon.

Today we got up before noon and visited R, returning his delayunit. Just chillin’ a bit in his backyard ’till he kicked us out. A quick stop at a grocery store, some breakfast and then Guaka left again. He’s on his way back to the west. Won’t be long now before he’s gone… Hmmm…

I have to do some shopping right now… Then get back here, do some cleaning, take a well-needed shower and start the cooking 🙂 Nice evening… I hope. Who knows… Hell of a day anyway:

By the way… AE played E-town a while back, but we also individually contended in the poetry-section. Today I got back the jury-reports! I’m very happy, cuz 2 of my poems got a hell of review (: Maybe there’s a future for me after all!

Friday 31 May 2002 16:15

NP: The Cure – There is no if

Spent a few hours reading the log and the archive. It’s a strange feeling to realise that exactly a year ago, I was sitting here, writing an entry… I was alive, I am alive right now. But i’m not sure what that means. The sun is out, it looks like summer, but somehow it feels more like autumn. My thoughts, memories may be responsible for that effect. I still haven’t done anything about the dishes… My stomach is upset. I guess weird depressed melancholic moods don’t help much in that respect. My gums feel weird too. Like i’ve been chewing glass… Right now, i’m in no party-mood. But I guess I should just get to it and start my chores.

I’ve waited

And i’ve bothered

I’ve forgotten

and forgiven

Still the clouds

drift by accusingly

A forgotten volcano

in an ocean

Far away

No fire left

High above the clouds

They fly

Friday 31 May 2002 13:45

NP: Tricky – Overcome

Wednesday was another nite spent at the club. I’m drinking too much these days…

Thursday I dropped by at my work. There still isn’t any decent work. I need money, goddamnit. I hit the sack really early last nite. I slept like a baby, then I woke up this morning at 6, lay awake for an hour and fell asleep again. Off to dreams.

I’m haunted by memory. Pretty weird. It probably has to do with my cold, which I picked up from Rosso, sunday. Everytime I get a cold, I have these episodes of memoryrecovery. I don’t understand how the connection works, but i’ve seen it repeated so many times, that there’s no doubt in my mind that there IS a connection.

and until then… you have to live with yourself Today is a sunny, cloudy day. I have to do the dishes, clean up this place a bit… It’s been a mess all week. Tonite Guaka is dropping by. I’m supposed to meet him at the cultural centre for a small festival of sorts… A lot of jazz, if I recall correctly. It won’t be long now and he’s gone. Weird.

It’s hard to look at the world without immediately being sucked into it. No way to objectify. Would one want to objectify? Right now there’s an old lady walking very slowly up the slight inclination towards the railwaystation, outside my window. When I look at that, I wish I could objectify.

Damn. That was a big scare. Somehow the newslog got cut in half and was saved like that. That means that everything up to feb 3 this year was gone. Fortunately I found a backup version in a directory somewhere. Man… That sure as hell was a moment of sheer panic. So now it’s back. I’ll upload it. And back it up… Twice

Thursday 30 May 2002 0:52

Soccer was fucked up, last nite. 6 people, but pH was hurt… Again. He probably won’t be able to play for a few weeks. Unfortunately in 3 weeks time soccer is over for this season. Last nite I went for a drink at the club, but somehow I just couldn’t get into it. Tonite I had fucked up nightmares… Nothing happened today.

Burned a lot of roms today. Not much more. Thinking about heading towards that place again. I sort of lost grip. Losing control. Perhaps it’ll be okay real soon… Act normal. Strange this…

Tuesday 28 May 2002 16:26

NP: Robert Rich – Beyond Part 1

Strange things are happening to the server… I don’t understand at all… Beautiful day though… Soccer in a bit…

Tuesday 28 May 2002 02:34

NP: Janis Joplin – Cry Baby

Smaids left this morning around 11. After he left, I got up, talked to A on the phone… Things are clearer now, I guess. Opened up Nietschze and fell right asleep. I woke, got up, prepared to do some cleaning… Then Mikey was at the door. We talked a bit, he left… Some laundry… Some tv.

Had a late dinner around 11pm, watched the end of some serie. Now it’s nearly 3am and i’m not ready yet.

There’s still quite a moon out there… It’s not even that cold. Wish I was a stranger in a strange land… You know, where people play games with the night… I have some wine left… There’s no reason to let good wine go to waste. I said “no, I like it, I like it, it’s good” Hope for a big adventure? ooohooo… Wahnsinn, diese nachtgedanken… What do I do, when it comes kicking in, for real… In 4, 5, 10 years? When everything is as real as it’s gonna get… I’m not sure… But I wish I could take a glimpse at it. Just a small peek into the future… Just to see if i’m smiling.

Monday 27 May 2002 04:03

NP: Pete Namlook And Tetsu Inoue – Orion Transfer- Part X

I ended up at the club, but it wasn’t really all that… Got a msg from Rosso, so I woke up, got out of bed and welcomed him in. We shopped a bit, had dinner… Afterwards A came by… I’m not sure how things are now… I guess sometimes it’s just different when seen with perspective.

Rosso and me watched some avi’s, blazed a bit, drank some wine… Basically having a good time.

Now it’s pretty early… Sun will be up in a few. New beginnings? Not likely… On and on? Sure. Let’s see a great big smile there… That’s right little buddy… Smile. A smile a day keeps the shrink away… (what keeps depression at bay?) Don’t be scared now jitterbug… Here starts tomorrow / That’s why I pay you in coke . . / It’s not the looks / That scrawny ass / / / .A simple hit . / SIlENciO …/ No hay banana / A republic / public / poop… / Lips / strong . . ../ A gardenhose . I look lively . / Sustain / delay /amplify me/////s.t.o.p. . . .

Sunday 26 May 2002 02:04

NP: The Breeders – Opened

Walking on these highways

We leave the land

Float inside the dark black water

Robin flies again

Wednesday I ended up at the club with Fluffy…

Thursday there was an AE-meeting, which went pretty well, seeing there’s now a laptop to support us visually… Thafluff, DT, 4I’s and me ended up at a party, which was one of the strangest of late… Still lingering… Things eventually ended in sunlight outside the club… G-man and me smoked another fatty at my place before calling it quits.

Friday J picked me up for my first visit to M-town in a mighty long time. D’s birthday was up, so we celebrated a bit at his place, hung out with the very cool belgians, saw (and photographed) J making a mess of toiletpotty… 🙂 Good, clean fun was had by all…

I slept in the basement, but it was too cold and after only 2 hours I was shivering all over. By that time it was 11am again, so there was no use going back to sleep… Upstairs Josh was already making coffee (which I still do not drink… It smells bad) and the other folk were stirring out of deep murky dreamseas.

We dropped D-man and Suzy at a wedding and then Q dropped me off at my mom’s, where I took a shower, had a little water, got prezzies (Nice threads ma! You got taste) and eventually left again with Q-ball. A short visit.

Q dropped me off at home… A weird phoneconversation ensued… Afterwards I did some laundry, went for groceries, got the cam back from DT and S’s… Ate something, watched some tv, nearly fell asleep… Now it’s 2am again… I’m tired, but… Perhaps a bit reckless… I’ll go out for a bit… See what happens… I can always come back home and crash. Still waiting for that call… Either one, I guess… Does it matter? Man, my brain…

Wednesday 22 May 2002 23:51

NP: Mike Oldfield – Moonlight Shadow

Mondaynite E dropped by, we watched a movie, then horsed around a bit with some iq-tests, pretty funny stuff… Tuesday there was work, but unfortunately there wasn’t that much to do. In the evening, after soccer (not enough ppl showed, the motherfuckers… it’s getting tedious) I went to the club and hung out, eventually ended up in the park with bongo’s and a didge… All in all, Tuesdaynite wasn’t that bad…

Today I skipped work, there wasn’t much to do anyway… Got a call that tomorrow will be slow as well, but i’ll drop in anyway. Tonite I didn’t do much at all… Checked some AE-stuff, made some appointments, got some info… Now Fluffy will be dropping by real soon and we’ll probably head off to the club. I don’t feel so great and my mind is in a state of confused pre-melancholy, but oh well… If I remember correctly the blue-eyed one is gonna be there tonite. Not that I harbour any illusions… Ah here’s Fluffy…

Monday 20 May 2002 21:21

Rather strange sensuous nite last nite… Ended up in bars, way too late… Early morning bright light blinkings…

Woke up in the afternoon, talked online a bit, cooked, took a shower, now waiting for E to arrive… We’ll watch a movie, drink some wine…

Tomorrow I have a briefing at work, the rest of the day i’ll be working… It’s a whole new week… New opportunities for saving our lives…

Sunday 19 May 2002 19:52

Saturday Zieg came over, we sat and talked, eventually ended up at the club, which was fun. Today is slow, woke up late. Perhaps there’ll be something to do tonite… But probably not. Wacked few days. Lotsa booze, lotsa dope. Waiting for what’s next…

Saturday 18 May 2002 4:32

Shit changed… Politically speaking. Saw the pink dots wednesday then off to the club. Hung with M,later on a few more ppl. Stayed too long. Thursday S was here, which was a delight. Later on I went to the club, spoke with a few people, bumped into E, whom i hadn’t seen for a long time. She has pretty eyes. Today I met up with P and M and sat in the forest. I’m slantminded now…

Wednesday 15 May 2002 22:50

black fucking day for our democracy

Wednesday 15 May 2002 5:08

NP: Pete Namlook And Tetsu Inoue – Morning Spirit

Stayed up a bit too long… Goddamn sunlight is already creeping in again. Daylightsavingstime sucks… Guess it really doesn’t matter that much… Watched a movie, which was pretty funny, in it’s own fucked up way. Now i’m just doing another update in the hopes that I will be able to watch some more shit brought in by my donkey. Ten more minutes and the thing would be complete. Tomorrow I have to go to work, but not until late in the day… Keep at it all evening. Maybe thursday go to university… I have to decide this shit… Am I going to do this? I still have no clue whatsoever… Tomorrow is big election day… Maybe civilwar in 24… who knows…

Wednesday 15 May 2002 2:18

Bought some new cdr’s monday… I’m burnin’ alot these days… I popped by the club to see how the night of short films was coming along, helped out on some tech-issues, went home, had dinner, talked to guaka, back to the club, talked to a full club about my “Weekend Fun”. Afterwards I helped clean up the place, had a few drinks. Later on me and g-man took a look inside O, but it didn’t feel right. Off to bed…

Today I was back at my old job, training Mikey, hangin’ out, ’til the system crashed. M and me shopped a bit, ate some and played soccer… Not too many ppl showed, some ppl got really tired after a while… Bah…

Felt really shitty after soccer, so I chilled at home, watched a bit of telly, burned some roms, laundry and a shower. Decided to take a look @ the club, but it wasn’t what i hoped for… So i’m back… Maybe a peek at a movie, then off to bed… Doubts, hopes, strange vision of aborted futures…

Monday 13 May 2002 3:51

NP: The Cure – The Empty World

I was supposed to be @ Q & H’s saturday, but apparently they called the whole thing off, so I decided to clean up the place. Goofin’ about behind the comp, I invited E to do my dishes, for which she demanded dinner. After she left, I called back I, who’d been trying to reach me all nite. She came over and we drank some wine, talked a bit, before deciding to head into town. First stop was Oznog, where i talked to A, who apparently has some doubts about me, well, she’s not the only one… Later on we went to the club, which was a bit lame, but by that time i was pretty much toasted so it didn’t matter. I proceeded to smoke out like a little bitch, spliff upon spliff, voddy upon voddy, until it was time to go home. I watched some movie before falling asleep, I think…

Today got woken up by the doorbell. It was the guy from E-town, the winner of the theatre-contest. He dropped by to pick up the cd with their performance on it. I was still feeling a bit woozy, so I kicked him out and went back to bed. I woke up again after 8 pm, watched some telly, watched a Nicky Cage flick, and now it’s time to go beddy byes again. Lame ass quarter of a day. Tomorrow… Wow what a trip…

Saturday 11 May 2002 13:49

NP: Psychic TV – Smile (Greedy Beat Remix)

The drive up north went just fine, we arrived on time, got acquainted with the organisers and hung around for a bit. The weather was just amazing, so the whole city was alive and vibrant. Finally at 19:00 we could do a systems run-through and thankfully everything turned out A-OK.

Instead of waiting nervously backstage, we decided to just go watch the other contestants and enjoy ourselves a bit. Unfortunately there was a break between the last performance and our performance, with some prize-ceremony, so half the audience split. That was a bit of a bummer, but… Oh well…

Then it was time to hit the floor in this quaint, cute, little theatre. Everything except the lights was approaching perfection and with all the clapping we were receiving it was obvious they liked us.

Unfortunately the jury had quite a different idea about that… So we didn’t win. We didn’t even make the top three (out of five), but i think that has to do with the way they perceived us. I think they mistook us for a group of theatre-actors. With that in mind, we got some weird comments from them in the jury’s report. After everything was over the jury did approach us and asked permission to call us for a different gig, somewhere in the near future. So we must have made some impression.

We drove back and around 1 am we pulled up in front of my place. The AE-gang came in for drinks and we watched the video, had some discussion about my “style”. Later on Fluffy and me, we hit the club… We drank ’til morning. Then I crashed.

Friday wasn’t too much of anything. Mikey dropped by, we watched some CKY and smoked out. I didn’t sleep until late. Woke up a bit ago… Got a call about my creditlisting on a docu. Told him to just put “Scarum.com” as a credit 🙂

Thursday 9 May 2002 4:21

Soccer sucked tuesday… No-one was there… Later on i went to my last (?) meeting at the club. Afterwards I stayed and drank, hit the ol’ splifferoon… It’s hard to be an adult about things sometimes, but i’m starting to get the hang of it. It was pretty goddamn late before i got home and hit the sack.

Today I stayed in all day. Did nothing… Watched some tv, two movies and surfed the net a bit for more info on ps7, AA5.5 and Premiere 6. I have to get busy with this shit again. I’m slipping… Gotta keep up to date and be producin’. That’ll happen. Now i’m just gonna go to bed… Tomorrow is the big gig in E town, but right now, i couldn’t give a rat’s ass. Hopefully Q-ball will be knocking down the door here at 3… Gonna be a long, fucked up day tomorrow (today). Oh hey 4i’s! Congratulations on your birthday, motherfucker! 26 huh? You’re gettin’ old. Gotta post some shit on their site… 🙂

I’m all over the place. It’s chaos right now. Shit. No control. wow… how fucked up is that…

Tuesday 7 May 2002 17:12

NP: Leonard Cohen – The Sisters of Mercy

A piece of prose by the killer: link (english)link (dutch) or if it’s down, which will happen pretty soon, I guess… Try this locally hosted mirror (english) or mirror (dutch)

Tuesday 7 May 2002 16:50

NP: New Order – True Faith

shit… Check this out link or if it’s down, which will happen pretty soon, I guess… Try this locally hosted mirror.

Tuesday 7 May 2002 3:19

NP: Robert Rich – Star Maker 1. Interstellar Travel 2. Worlds Innumerable 3. The Beginning And The End 4. The Myth Of Creation

Saturday I worked on a video for an IndusTree song… Stayed in all nite. Sunday I filmed some artist d00d, who really, really, really was full of it… When confronted with real questions, all that came out was gibberish. But oh well… It took 4 hours, but it got me €25,-, which i used to buy more tapes for my camera. I continued working on the video later on sunday, then smoked a bit and watched a movie, which, except for the ending was quite entertaining.

Today there were final rehearsals before our gig next thursday, in E-town. My tripod got busted while filming rehearsals, but I managed to sorta fix it again. I met with E for a long, nice walk through fields outside of town. It’s been a grey, wet day, but I had fun and I loved being with her. I think we walked for three hours. I drove home in increasing rain…

Then suddenly… Shit hit the fan in our little country. Memorial-day, liberation-day, murder… I’m not easily shocked, but this one sure caught me off guard… A politician was murdered. At close range, shot in his neck, face, chest… Coming out of a radio-studio. It’s the first time something like this has happened in the Netherlands. The man had some extreme ideas, he was considered right-wing and i for one would never have given my support to this man’s ideas. Still it’s incredible to me that he was murdered. It seems the world is spinning out control in a downward spiral of violence and hatred. I don’t know what to think of all this and i’m really apprehensive as to how things are going to develop around here.

Now tomorrow… I don’t know. I really don’t know yet.

Monday 6 May 2002 22:59

Monday 6 May 2002 20:20

Pim is dood

Yesterday was a national holiday: Liberation day…

Today a politician got shot in front of 3FM Radio broadcaststudios…

Saturday 4 May 2002 17:11

NP: Nick Cave – God’s Hotel

Woke up rather ok… No hangovers, supermarketvisit with amri and guaka, then back home for some cleaning activities. Had a little breakfast… Now it’s time to clean the rest of the house, do the dishes… bah… Oh well, the party was ok I guess, so it was worth it.

Man, i’m gonna take it really slow today…

Saturday 4 May 2002 6:43

NP: Dead Voices on Air – Eoraen

Slept long time… Weird dreams… Got to work, got (well not quite, but sure felt like getting) fired… Afterwards preparations for the party, which was enjoyable… see below:

A lot of people showed, which was really cool for a change. Ended up talking ’till early ‘morn with Ishi, who just now left. I’m gonna go hit the sack too now. I’m tired. Also, I don’t want to think too much right now. It’s better to just fade right now 😐

Tomorrow I’ll clean, relax, read, take it easy. Perhaps I’ll even think again… Who knows…

Thursday 2 May 2002 23:27

NP: Lustmord – Beckoning

Spent last nite reading about rocksuicides… deaths… shit… slept for three hours, took a shower, went to work, came home watched more JackAss, did the rehearsals… Came home, ate, nearly fell asleep… Talked to a depressed person, watched CKYlandspeed and now… I’m absolutely toasted. If I had money and time, i’d get way too drunk and stoned as a mothafucker… But alas, tomorrow there’s work and later on the big party. If you know me, you’re invited, it’s dutch-style… That means bring your own! (for all you stupid dutch motherfuckers) From 9 at my place. Whatever. Party. Sleep now. Hope i have some nice hot sexdreams laced with acidtrips…

Thursday 2 May 2002 2:19

NP: SouthPark – s6e06 Professor Chaos

Tuesday spent in bed, mostly, then at nite, burning the roms and editing footage, so version 5.0 of “Weekend Fun” is finally finished. Although it took me until 8 am this morning, to figure out some shit about Premiere 6.

Today I slept some more, woke up at 4 pm, got some more roms, some groceries, cooked, cleaned, dishes, laundry… Watchin’ telly, some more premiere/divx/avi/mpg/svcd/encoding stuff… Now very tired, work tomorrow, as well as rehearsals again… The AE-package was sent…

Tuesday 30 April 2002 7:15

NP: The Cure – Ocean

Thursday came to me all drunk and went, so did friday. Mikey… Saturday josh, zieg, kcir, m and d, b, m, smaids, mayhem and footage, mom and other thoughts. Sunday.

Today Mikey dropped by, just before going to a jobinterview, then i got my money, did some financial stuff, some AE stuff (llands), my two cels are fried, perhaps warranty, rehearsal, some cleaning, dishes, laundry, cooking, mikey again, wine, O, the club, faces… Hot enough to want, longing breaks focus, what one wants, hurts, unattainable, booze, too much, now, drunk, sleep, mikey here, sleep here, up soon, now me, confused, drunk, sleep perhaps, long day, out of focus, i want to… in focus, come on, i really… footage, mindmovies, please… only for one… no? please, just you and me, no-one need know…

Thursday 25 April 2002 2:01

NP: Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers – Mary Jane’s Last Dance

Some fucking mosquito kept me up all nite, eating away at my face in three different spots… Feasting on my blood… When daylight broke, I was broken. My back hurt like a motherfucker… I couldn’t cut it today, so i didn’t even try.

S was here tonite… We cooked dinner, talked, watched a movie. Very good company. Work’s a bitch though. She knows that too…

I gotsta go sleep now… In 6 there’s another workday. I have to cut it tomorrow. Can’t be slacking all week. Just hope there’s no mosquitos in here tonite. I’m keeping the windows shut. Best not to think too far ahead. Hope I get my money tomorrow.

Wednesday 24 April 2002 0:46

NP: The Cure – Babble

Went to work today. Didn’t get the money… Costs are mounting. Goddamnit… Life is getting to be so fucking expensive. I decided to go play soccer regardless of my backpain. It seemed to have taken my mind off of it a bit. The pain receded, but it’s creeping back in again.

Been staring out the window tonite, watching night set in. Looked at some old pictures. Strange how these can bring back so much. Smells, touch, texture… Time goes by pretty fast. At the time those pictures were taken I was still a kid. A lot has changed in the intermediate years… Makes me wonder… I would be lying if I said that I don’t miss those days or certain people, once in a while… When I look at them I can’t help but think of myself as someone else. I seem to be a different person altogether. I remember much of who I was, but there are great blindspots. I’ll have to make do with who I am today. That’s pretty difficult in some ways and much easier in other… You can live lifetimes in just one… Such a strange thing to be alive…

Tuesday 23 April 2002 11:23

NP: Tom Waits – Chocolate Jesus

“A bit of pain is good for the soul” Oh yeah… I said it, now I regret it… I fucked up my back yesterday, throwing DT around. Now I can hardly move, but if i do, it’s accompanied by an excruciating pain. The shitty thing is… I don’t even call a doctor, cuz i’m afraid it’ll cost me too much… Insurance don’t pay shit these days…

Yesterday we had an AE-rehearsal, afterwards I went to get some bread and cheese, when I bumped into A. Talked for a bit. At home I mostly sat around feeling the pain in my back grow. Around midnight G-man called and asked me if I wanted to go have a drink in O, I thought it would take my mind off the pain and accepted, but after standing there sipping my voddy, I knew this pain wasn’t just going to go away. So I went home, popped to paracetamols and tried to sleep. That was hard enough by itself cuz just lying flat hurts too… Then some mosquito decided my face looked scrumptious and feasted near my eye. I woke to a horrendous backpain, late for classes… So i said fuck it. Now the only thing that sucks is that there’s work in a bit… I really don’t feel attracted to the prospect of sitting there for three hours, but I guess it gets me money. In a double sense, today. Then there’s soccer 🙁 I haven’t decided what to do about that yet… It hurts so goddamn much, but if i don’t go… I’ll beat myself up with it. Shit this hurts…

Monday 22 April 2002 4:02

NP: Skinny Puppy – Addiction (Ain’t it dead yet?)

“Unbearably alive…” I love this cd. Last post was a weird one. Saturdaynite Mikey en Zieg came over, we talked and drank and laughed. It was okay. Had weird dreams last nite… Lots of weird dreams lately. I’m not complaining.

Today i did not do much… Around three Mikey dropped by, we picked up Zieg and drove out to the soccerfield. After half an hour or so, some more guys came by and we played a match of 4 against 4. That was some pretty rough soccer! The sun was out, which made it a really nice afternoon. I got kicked in the knee again, though… I’m still hurting from that… It’s black and blue and swollen…

Oh well… A bit of pain is good for the soul.

Tomorrow there’s an AE-rehearsal. I’ll try and get some studyin’ done as well… But it’s so goddamn late again… Been cleaning a bit, vacuuming, laundry, mindless internetactivity, changing the bed… I don’t think i’ll have trouble sleeping… Off to dreams… Or as Eldritch (actually didn’t but should’ve) put it “Gimme… Dreamwars and a ticket to sleep”

Saturday 20 April 2002 16:26

NP: Samuel Barber – Adagio for Strings, op. 11

I fell asleep really early last nite. Around 8 pm I dozed off, still in my clothes, only to awake a few hours later from nightmares, I guess… Totally sweaty and fucked up, shivering, I crawled into bed and slept the rest of the nite.

I woke this morning around 9. I tried to get back to sleep but couldn’t. Still weird dreamvisions were floating through my mind, unwilling to let me go. So I gave up and got up. After an hour or so of just hanging about, I made myself some breakfast and watched a movie. During the afternoon, I began to feel really warm, like i was having a fever. I became a bit giddy as well… I phoned up J, just to goof around a bit, but he cut me off and i got a bit pissed.

Despair trickling in, I tried my hand at some science questions, only to find out that I stink at science. I actually didn’t believe one of the answers, so I did a little experiment… And damn… It worked. Now i’m debating going out and getting some groceries, or just saying fuck it and stay in ’till I fall asleep again. There’s nothing to do today, no-one’s called. No parties, no feasts, just utter and complete boredom. I could read, I could write, I could go for a walk. I could score some dope and get blasted… Hell I could even commit suicide >-)

Okay, so normalcy is never what i wanted, but this is no fun either. Hey look he’s got a beama… Anybody know of any parties tonite? no? damn… Getting drunk is the only thing to do tonite… I mean… Drugs are out of the question, fuck my health up and bring me down… right? but booze sucks too… Hmmm This is starting to turn into a nice and whiney piece of prose. It’s just… I’m so neurotic. I need my wordprocessor to be able to write, but with all the comp trouble i’ve been having lately, i found out too late that i had no copy of the install files, so I can’t whine in private, so I’ll do it out in the open, on this godforsaken fucked up website… Thank god that hacker didn’t delete all this crap… I’m so happy that i’m still able to read all about my life the last two years and how i did absolutely jackshit, completely kaka… Nothing that matters anyway… Although from some of the entries, you’d think that it’d really mattered to me… Well… In retrospect it didn’t…

If I put myself in a happy place, it all seems a bit trivial… So it’s not with great joy that i write this… It’s more that i can’t stop now that i’ve started. I think i might be ill… Perhaps it’s something serious… I don’t know… I have been coughing badly for the last 3 weeks… 🙂 Or maybe it’s just a bit of a cold, that just won’t go… I never turn up the heat. I love this music… Arvo Pärt‘s Fratres. Hell, i’d put up some mp3’s if it weren’t illegal ;p

Could you die from an overdose of Maggi’s hot sauce? hehe You’d probably vomit your way to the toilet before you’d get halfway through a tiny bottle. Some kids walking by… I wonder about kids these days… How it must seem for them… I realise that when i was a kid, i didn’t take shit seriously… well… no… that’s not quite true, what i mean is… I had no perspective on things… It was too big… So i just… Well… Kinda took it all in and not, at the same time. I didn’t process all that much… It just slipped by me… lightly touching me perhaps, like a summer breeze. I wonder about kids these days… It’s so harsh, it’s different i think.

You know what’s cool? I’m worried about how big this entry is going to be, but it doesn’t matter, i can make the font really small, so it will look like gibberish. Chances are no0ne is ever going to read it… 🙂 Does that matter? Nope… Do I care? I don’t know. Do i want to know? nope. I should do some modest shopping in a bit… Maybe get myself a small piece of tha brown stuff and just be here tonite. Drink me some wine. Write a bit more perhaps and hope that by some megaweird twist of fate, fun will find me, love will linger at my door and this weekend will turn out to be very different from the one that’s been constructed in my head. The one where uncle donald yells from the top of the stairs… Wait for me my ducklings… Wait for the cannibal… The duck and the ducklings. What? NO! shit… What am i talking about?

Visited hell this morning… Very weird stuff… Very good though… some of it… A mosquito at my window… Trying to get in… No blood for you buddy… sorry… bah… I feel strange today

Friday 19 April 2002 1:58

NP: Sonic Youth – The Diamond Sea

blood crystalized to sand

and now I hope you’ll understand

you reflected into his looking glass soul

and now the mirror is your only friend

look into his eyes and you will see

that men are not alone on the diamond sea

sail into the heart of the lonely storm

and tell her that you’ll love her eternally

College-day today… In spite of myself I actually liked the class… And I even could be bothered to go deep into the matter. I think I will have to postpone my judgements more often and just run with an experience… Okay… I know… Calling attending a class an experience is a bit out there, but then again… I feel a bit out there, these days.

Later on we planned a rehearsal with AE, but that turned out to be just a talk session. At least we have a (sort of) solution for May 9.

There are some things that are worrying me… Things I really should take care of… I feel really weak when it comes to just taking charge. Well anyway… Tomorrow there’s work from 9am. In the afternoon DJ4i’s is dropping by to do some soundediting. I have to try to take some time for myself this weekend. Think things over.

…And in one single burst

she described to me the universe

and how it is at its worst

Because of love

and the lack thereof

Thursday 18 April 2002 1:12

Wow, what a shitty day. Again the bed calls… I want to cloud my mind, but i shouldn’t and I won’t. I can’t… Hope i’ll be able to sleep. Shitty shitty day… Shitty dreams, ITflashbacks in backwater cities… Weird stuff. Now comes the time, where the men get separated from the boys… bleh! I should recuperate this weekend. Blame it on the weather.

Wednesday 17 April 2002 1:11

NP: Pete Namlook And Tetsu Inoue – Orion Transfer- Part XIV

Woke up and was unable to propell myself unto education. Fell asleep and dreamt of a space shuttle ushering in two FedEx boeings… Into the tunnel across the street. I often have dreams about airplanes and airports… Usually very bizarre and surreal.

Eventually I got up and I went to work. You have to do that sometimes. So you can have money. So tomorrowmorning… In less than 8 hours, in fact, I’ll be working again.

After work came soccer. It was hard… We lost… I got hit in the knee… Nice to be physically hurting… Dulls other aches. This city keeps me too well informed.

I’ve been rethinking everything again… The whole “I need to get out of this place, like right now”-thing. I’ve noticed that my people skills aren’t improving either… So I think I have to, for lack of a better phrase, give myself a time-out. No more talking about the future, no more plans… Just focus on the here and now and try to keep a low profile. Cuz suddenly it looks like everything i do or say has a potential negative effect on me or others. And I don’t want that. I want nothing right now. To sleep, perchance to dream…

Tuesday 16 April 2002 3:10

NP: Forma Tadre – Sinus Park

Damn… Sometimes memories just come kicking in. The past is rampant in my mind right now. As if it were a playingfield still, where one is able to still sit on the swing and make it go way up… Walk through autumn forests and not realize that the world is changing. It’s too late for that now, but i guess, maybe one day i’ll be very very happy to have lived those moments… Right now, I wish I could be trapped forever, living out those memories, stolen moments in silent carboxes, on a weekday. Just to be so gone just by a looking into eyes, carressing hair. Perhaps you were right when you said you’d take passion above all… I can’t blame you… But i think it only happens once. Now to console myself with a dream, a short one at that, for the clock has been ticking relentlessly these few hours i’ve been indulging my melancholy. It’s time to close the curtains and let time take its crazy toll. Tempus Fugit / Vita Absurda

Monday 15 April 2002 23:33

NP: Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers – Runnin’ down a Dream

Still feel pretty lousy… Videotaped myself sleeping last nite… Unfortunately the tape unveiled the horrible truth… There are no sexy female aliens performing oral sex on me while I sleep… It’s all a dream.

Looks like my electric oven is already dead. The rain is drizzling down this sleepy mondaynite. Been cooking my food for the next few days, so i have no excuses, timewise, to do the shit i should. I also should hit the sack in a few, so i can get up early tomorrow, get stuff done… Make me feel better… Right? Hmmm

Looks like I might be keeping my current neighbour. The old one apparently won’t talk to me nomore… Too bad…

I feel like drinking again… Fortunately there’s no booze in the house… I could go for a fat one, but man… My lungs… Besides, I quit, didn’t I? I could go to O for a drink, but I really don’t want to be in a crowded place right now. I miss having friends to hang with… Damn… I’m really down in the dumps 🙁 Bah… Maybe when the sunny weather comes back again, i’ll feel better. Just need to tackle this week. Can’t stay sick forever. Help? Anyone? Maybe just some good advice? What? What did you say? I didn’t understand… Oh… Kill myself… Yeah… ‘Kay… I can see where you’re going with this…

Monday 15 April 2002 4:09

NP: John Coltrane – Slowtrane

Did some work on the ArtEfficiency website. Added some general information. I keep on thinking all these weird thoughts, about communities of people, that really aren’t communities at all… How time glides on and on and always away… Guess I should sleep now…

Monday 15 April 2002 2:12

NP: India Arie – Ready for Love

There was a party of sorts last nite at I’s. J and h-f were there, as were m&d, zieg and T. We talked and drank…

Had a long talk on the phone with S yesterday. She’s put me back on the thinkingtrack. Although it’s a pretty tough one to crack. I’m still not sure everything’s alright. We’ll see… As we always will.

Scarum.com was secured for another five years. So whatever happens, that’s secure. I cleaned today, took care of some mess, did the dishes, laundry. Burned a lot of cd-roms, freed up a lot of space on my hd for future vid-editing and donkey-activity.

I feel empty, low… It’s mondaymorning and I really don’t want to start next week. There’s work and classes. I am thinking, no… I’ve decided to quit my activities at the club. I’ve been working there for years and it’s been fun, but it’s enough. I miss going out at nite, just sitting in a forest, shooting the breeze with some friends… Walking along the river and not think of the bad shit.

Saturday 13 April 2002 5:10

This never happened:

Hi! You must be …

Sure heard alot about you.

How do you like it here?

Ok then, run along, have a nice night.

Traded in the Duron 1ghz (the one i bought when my Abit BP6 fried last week) for a Thunderbird 1,333ghz. This is running faster. We got hacked a while back too… Bastards. Oh well…

I had drinks with G-man and Mikey last thursday. Pretty funny… Did some bushjumping afterwards. Today I just stayed in, slept… I’ve been learning premiere, which is cool… Although I might need to be freeing up more HD-space than I thought.

Tonite I went over to Zieg’s place to chill a bit, drank some wine… Afterwards I went for a drink at the club. I had some bad timing. Or… Whatever. Talked comp with some of the staff… For the first time announced my departure. We’ll see… Tomorrow I’m gonna just hang, crash, sleep… and tomorrownite there’s gonna be a party of sorts, which i’m looking forward to. Screw heartache. “Hi, i’m Scarum, this is ‘swallow that emotion’“!

Thursday 11 April 2002 3:50

NP: Samuel Barber – Adagio for Strings, op. 11

It has to be madness to try and feel my way out of this. I am tired and weary and it hurts. I am confused and dumbfounded… I cannot but realise how flawed my existence is. There is no relief. There is no progress. There is nothing to cling to when the night is over and daylight has breached the prison of my eyes once again. I will not know peace. For my war is a war fought within the trenches of the brain. Fuck the american nazi’s. Fuck the israelian nazi’s. Fuck the palestinian, the russian, the iraki nazi’s. Fuck all the nazi’s until they cum in one big overwhelming gush and drown the world in nazi semen. Where is this going? What am i doing? What am i supposed to do? People die under our noses, unnoticed until we smell them. And i don’t care. People don’t match up. And it’s okay. People don’t speak anymore… Choose to be silent. Cuz words are failing that’s okay. Words are failing that’s okay. It’s something from an older day this longing. But… but what? Say it, or take that piss and go to sleep. Work your way out of it tomorrow. Push the future till she bursts, the little bitch. Put a belt around her hips and crack open that pelvis so that pussy fits my dick. The worldvirgin, the worldwhore, the worldgrandma has had a venereal disease all along… And we’re carrying it in our smelly groin. Piss that puss my friend, over her face, piss that anger my friend, all this… Is a disgrace. If you understand drop me a line…

Wednesday 10 April 2002 22:31

I still feel like shit. My head hurts, my throat hurts… Hell everything hurts. I think I have the flu. I’ve been trying to edit a video but it’s been pretty hard getting this program to work. I’m waiting for the rendering to finish, but I doubt that it’ll work. If it doesn’t, i’ll have to find other software to get it done. I’ll keep trying for about half an hour more… Then i’ll toss the towel.

Wednesday 10 April 2002 8:43

NP: Atom Heart – Head Dance

I’m sick as a dog. Made a decision to stay at home today. My head, throat and neck hurt, i’ve got the sniffles and i’m still coughing like a motherfucker. I need a nurse 🙁

Yesterday I bought a new pair of sneakers for soccer. They made it through their testrun with flying colours. I scored a few beauts. Right now i’ll head back to bed for a spell. Sad and fucked up right now.

Today I feel the grey pulse in my head

Turn of the lights and crawl into bed

Tuesday 9 April 2002 2:26

Worked today. Got the pictures back from the AE-shoot. Tomorrow there’s the meeting with the people from the poetryfestival. Sold the PS2. Drink water now and gonna go to sleep

Dèja vú

The shooting star across the sky

A meteor supposedly out there

Her face sullen

It’s confession time

It’s rejection time

And although impression may last a life

No blood, no smile nor tears

Can make fire out of ice

What it comes down to

Is that it’s never enough

It’s a world full of nothing

Not a world full of love

Although I would never wish upon you the slightest threat

I do wish upon you a bit of regret

Not enough to make you cry

Not bad enough to hurt

But just enough to pause for a little while

And remember the fool that could make you smile.

I can try to write something beautiful, but i doubt that it would come out right. You know what I mean, I think… That’s one of the reasons. I hope you know what I felt. Although I don’t know about that. Anyway. I still think… It was nice out there in the valley. Just you and me and the stars. I wish there was a way. Really do.

Monday 8 April 2002 3:05

NP: The Cure – 2 late

And so another weekend ends. I came up with some fucked up ideas for AE: “Mengelight”, “Just add Water” and “poetrytennis”. I guess you could say I was on a roll. Despite the fact that if I think too hard, I really feel shitty. I hate getting my hopes up and feeling so much. It always turns shitty in the end anyway. Makes me wish I was a real tough guy. No holds barred, no regrets, no inhibitions. But that’s not what I feel like right now. I feel like i’m losing something that I never even had and somehow i’m to blame for it. I know how these things work out, cuz I feel the probabilities. I probably steer events towards these prophecies, so that they become self-fulfilling at a certain point. But I wonder sometimes… Apparently there is nothing I can do about it… But if that’s true then why do I bother in the first place, why do I allow myself to feel this way? Yes, I am talking about a girl. Yes, once again it seems I’ve blown my chances (as far as I had a chance to begin with) and yes, it hurts like hell, cuz I really dug this one. The strange thing is… It hurts but it’s not a very acute pain, it’s more or less numbed by the fact that she had nothing to do with it at all. I never even expressed my feelings for her explicitly, so it all comes back to me. I’m the one who made the wrong moves, waited too long, wasn’t attractive enough, witty enough, clear enough. I never even tried, I guess. And so…ends another weekend. On the verge of a new spring… On the verge of new things. Of success maybe, of more of the same, of neverending fuckedupness. I need to take a piss and go to sleep.

Sunday 7 April 2002 17:12

NP: U2 – Love is Blindness

I’ve given up

Can’t stand it no more

I’ve given up on this

There’s no way that’s right

So i’ll circumvent

I’ll let it die

Let it end

I’d rather suffer knowing it will never be

Than wait forever for a sign from thee

Last nite i did next to nothing. A bit of cleaning, some dishes. I half-watched a movie. After taking a shower, i got into bed, wrote a poem and drifted off to sleep.

This morning I woke up around 9:45 and hopped on a train to help my buddy Zieg move house. Luckily it didn’t take too long and everything went really smoothly. I hung around a bit afterwards, fixing this, helping out with that…

I might be falling ill…. I really don’t feel that great. I’m coughing my ass off and I feel hot, as if i’d have a fever. It wouldn’t be so great if i indeed get sick. Next week is a very busy week. Which should be fine, cuz there’s other stuff that i don’t want to think about. Head down, buckle up and kick this.

Dinnermeeting in a sec. Not gonna stay very long. I wanna be up and running by 8 tomorrowmorning. Wow… What’s next…?

Saturday 6 April 2002 15:43

NP: Paul Schutze – London / Tokyo

Let’s see… Where should I begin? I don’t think too much happened on wednesday and thursday, except for some progress in AE. Friday we finished the editing on the video for Propaganda. In the evening Zieg came over. Later Mikey joined us. On saturday me, J, D and SmAids went to a party in town which was kind of weird, if only for SmAids’ behavior. He was deep down in the dumps. Short night. On sunday I cleaned the place up and my mom drove up. We talked, took a walk, cooked… I was really tired, cuz I hadn’t slept that much, so sleep came early.

Monday evening E came over to work on our strategy; I cooked her dinner and later on we watched a movie. Tuesday there was work, then in the evening we did the Propaganda thing. I’m not sure how I feel about it yet, although there have been some positive responses. That night my computer died.

On wednesday Josh came over to take some pressphoto’s for ArtEfficiency. We roamed the botanical garden, took pictures in trees and on graveyards.

Thursday morning I called Mikey to ask him if he would drive me to the compshop, to check out what’s wrong with my system. Turns out my mainboard is fried (literally), so i had to buy a new system. Thanx to my mother, I could. I bought a Duron 1 Ghz chip on a ECS k7s5a mainboard. Meanwhile, the strangest thing happened. While I was a the compshop I got a call from my ISP demanding i unplugged our server immediately. There had been reports coming in from Washington DC and Brisbane that someone had been doing SSH portscan from our box. A few days earlier a electric shock had shut us out of the system, so it was impossible to get in and salvage anything. Luckily Guaka was in town…

We started building the new system and configuring a new OS sometime around 1 or 2 pm. Eventually we worked all through the nite (somewhere during that time pH dropped in on us), had a few hours of shut-eye and went right back on it. Friday afternoon around 3 pm it was finished. Everything had been returned to working order, systems were tweaked, firewalls checked… We were done.

Guaka left around 5 pm. In the evening Mikey and Zieg came over. It was a very weird nite. We didn’t talk all that much… In fact it was eerily quiet. After a few hours, I started up a conversation with the aim of finding out some stuff about myself. Fortunately it ended up being an exhilarating experience for all of us, although we were pretty beaten up at the end of the proceedings.

I slept about 9 hours and looked about me to see a room that was pretty messy from all this activity of late. So I stayed in bed for a little while longer and wrote some poetry. Now I’ll have to do some quick cleaning up and pay a visit to the supermarket to get some groceries. Mikey should be dropping by any minute now to pick up a book he wants to read. Maybe I can persuade him to take me to supermarket in his new flashy car (:

Tonite is still a mystery. Haven’t got a clue as to what i’ll be doing. In any case, I have to be up quite early tomorrow to help Zieg move house. In the evening, there’s an AE dinnermeeting at DT’s. Next week I’ll be starting my fitness, picking up my books again and going to work of course. Get a grip man!

Wednesday 27 March 2002 2:23

NP: The Cure – Lullaby (extended mix)

Long day. Weird evening. Can’t tell what’s going on. There’s alot going on. I’ll wait and see. Tomorrowmorning there’s work, then classes, then… dunno… I’m a bit weary right now… Bit tired perhaps… Bedways is bestways. Hmmm…

Monday 25 March 2002 23:50

Stayed up way too late yesterday… I eventually fel asleep around 7am. Didn’t go to work.

S came over tonite… Tomorrow, there’s (time update: 0:59) classes, work, soccer, meetings… Lots of stuff to do… It’s late enough now… I should hit the sack…

Monday 25 March 2002 5:13

NP: The Cure – You really got me

Had a lovely dinner, i love to talk to her… We smoked a bong, watched a movie… Don’t know why, but somehow it fits… It’s really weird… Well… tomorrow i should go to work, fortunately not until 1pm. Hope I have some nice dreams now…

Sunday 24 March 2002 17:47

Well my day’s half done… Woke up, cleaned a bit… Then M and C dropped by to do some vid-editing… Which didn’t go so smoothly… Meanwhile I did the dishes… Now i’ll scoot over to the store for some dinner supplies, take a quick shower and start cooking. E’s coming over tonite to talk about the project.

Still wondering if I should say something. Or maybe just forget about it. Might be best to just let it slide. Tomorrow everything starts again. More distractions… Hopefully… Can’t get my head straight.

Sunday 24 March 2002 4:40

NP: Atom Heart – Live At Sel I/S/C- Part XII

Stupid day today… Did nothing, xcept for a measly bit of studyin’ and hangin’ around all day. I even had to brush off this guy i vaguely know, so i could be alone. He’s a bit obnoxious…

Yesterday I was here. We decided to do the crazy thing and smoke a bong. When 5 am hit, i was happy to be in bed. This weekend isn’t running such a fabulous course. Whatever.

Tomorrow M from Propaganda is dropping by to do some vid-editing at my comp. Hope it’ll be done in a flash. Not really interested in spending my whole day watching boring townfolk talk about their “educated opinions” on islam. Later on tomorrownite E is dropping by to discuss the whole on-stage conversation thing. Somehow things aren’t working out… Well of course it would have been a motherfucking miracle if things had worked out. But i shouldn’t be so suprised. Nothing to be surprised about. Suppose i’m still too optimistic for my own good. I’ll learn eventually… Abandon all hope… Let sunday wash over me… Like the shitshower on mr. johnny knoxville… Another wasted weekend. (no pun intended, alas…)

Friday 22 March 2002 18:10

NP: The Doors – Who do you love?

Thursday I went to work, then to a sort of anticlimactic AE-meeting. In the evening me and E were invited to dinner at M&D’s. Afterwards we drove to Nevohdnie, where we met up with rosso for a cello concert. Very beautiful.

We were back in N-town around 11pm. E stayed a while to talk. Then she went home… I watched dinosaurs ’till I fell asleep.

Today I studied a bit and worked on a page for ArtEfficiency… It’s not nearly finished… But it’s a start. Off to the shop now for some bread and dinner.

Wanna get high… Wanna hallucinate… Wanna lose my head and ejaculate…

Wednesday 20 March 2002 23:14

NP: Siouxsie and The Banshees – Happy House

Happy birthday M.

Fucking burned my hand. Stayed in today… Did some studyin’… Tomorrow’s gonna be good, if i go to bed right now… So I guess I should. Strange thoughts… Some of it makes me angry… Sometimes believe that being zen is just being weak and nothin’ else

Oh yeah… wait… burned flesh:

Tuesday 19 March 2002 2:02

NP: Manu Chao – La Despedida

Josh and Mikey dropped by saturday… We drank some, laughed our asses off… Re-enacted some JackAss scenes… Around 4 am pH showed up… And left again… I was plastered when i hit the sack.

Sunday I met up with H-F, H and M&D @ Sterre for some serious lounging. Rest of the day was a bit of a bummer, didn’t do much.

Today there was work, which was about it… Tomorrow again, there’s work. I have to go to university to get some papers. Soccer and meetings… hmmm don’t feel like it yet…

Saturday 16 March 2002 17:11

NP: The Pixies – Vamos

Vamos à jugar por la playa!

Wow! The weather is great, I’m feeling alright… This kicks ass! Friday I worked ’till 15:30, the rest of the day I spent at home, until I got a call from E, who invited me over to watch some movies. I woke up at a reasonable time today 🙂 Hung around a bit, called some friends, chatted a bit. Tonite Big J and Mikey are dropping by… I am happy about that… Haven’t seen J in a while. Just got some G&T as well as some voddy 🙂 This sun is amazing! Gonna do a bit of cleaning and cooking in a sec, then i’ll relax a bit… wEirD shit Going on outside my window…

Thursday 14 March 2002 22:19

Tuesday busy day. Classes, work, soccer, meeting, drinks, much fun, confusion, hope, fear, dreams, nightmares. Wednesday I skipped work, took a class, cooked dinner, studied, slept. Today there was work, then class and an AE-rehearsal-jamsession.

Now watching a documentary about Archimedes. Tomorrow there’s work. I’ll probably head off to bed rather soon. I am on an emotional rollercoaster of sorts. Unfortunately i’m not able to remedy this myself. Time. Tomorrow it’s my Mom’s b-day. Have a good one mom.

It’s so goddamn cold. A sudden rush of shivers. Must be someone in the future visiting a graveyard. Carelessly letting my mind wander. My heart follows, my head is spinning. Catch me if i fall…

Tuesday 12 March 2002 2:12

NP: Vidna Obmana – Hypnotic Web

I spent sunday studying and hanging a bit… In the evening there was an AE-meeting which went reasonably well. Sundaynite I watched 4 episodes of a TV-show that I taped (and not going to name ;). Monday I worked, went shopping, hung behind my pc way too long, did a few dishes, filled out an application… Now I’ll take a quick shower and head off to bed… Tomorrow there’s classes and more work, soccer, a meeting and my boy Mikey’s graduation and birthday, all rolled into one! Have a good one d00d!

Sunday 10 March 2002 3:51

NP: The Cure – The Hanging Garden

I read a bit this afternoon, fell asleep somewhere during that time. I woke up ’round nine, talked to Mikey… Ate dinner, watched some tv. Started writing on a new story (?)… Or something… I think i’ll read a bit and fall asleep again. Not a very eventful saturday. Tomorrowevening we will be discussing some plans for a new website for AE, i’ll try and do some studying during the day. Perhaps a walk if it’s not too nasty.

Saturday 9 March 2002 16:05

NP: X10 – Godless Race

Well… My pen is fixed again 🙂 Wednesday I picked up my applicationforms and had a talk with the counsellor. Everything seems to be working out. Wednesdaynite I spent the night having rather interesting heavy discussion @ D’s place. Thursday there was work and my first class, later on I spent a very pleasant evening with E. Friday work of course, spent the evening talking to I. My phone works again. Didn’t get paid this week. I’m really pissed about that. Nothing I can do though. Oh well… I’m gonna try and concentrate a bit on studying right now. See if i can get in two hours of reading. Should be a realistic goal.

Wednesday 6 March 2002 1:24

NP: The Cure – A Short Term Effect

Nasty dreams tonite. Let the old meet the new… They seemed to be getting along… I felt left out. I was left out. And not. I didn’t understand. Didn’t sleep enough. My pen is broken. It’s cold here. Half an hour before I have to go… Shrug it off. New video page

Wednesday 6 March 2002 1:24

NP: Conjunto Ibérico plays Philip Glass – Symphony for Eight

Today I spent most of the day indoors. This evening I played soccer, scored some beauties 🙂 Afterwards I sat outside with G-man, talking a bit, before going home for a shower and dinner. Then off to the club for a meeting, which went reasonably well. I got hypnotized again. Stayed too long. Will go to bed now soon.

Tomorrow’s the day i’m meeting up with the counsellor, to plan a strategy for scoring on my tests. First up is work, tomorrowmorning. Then later tomorrowevening, we’ll have a meeting at DT’s and Syl’s place jamming about AE. Busy week. Can’t keep my head away from you. Cello’s are so beautiful…

Tuesday 5 March 2002 3:41

NP: Plateau – The Search

Fridaynite was a bit of a let-down. This town, it seems, has no real sense of taste, no class when it comes to appreciating good poetry. Oh well… At least it wasn’t me. I think i probably would have lost it. Drinks afterwards.

Saturday was pretty lame. Then saturdayevening me, Zieg, Daffy and T met up with SMaidS in Nevohdnie, to celebrate his birthday. We had a good time and grooved along nicely with the electro-beats. We took a cab to Rosso’s place, where I stayed alert and awake, watching poor Rosso toss his cookies early in the morning. I took a cab to the railwaystation around 7, arrived home around nine. Slept most of the day…

Sundayevening i just stayed in, watched a bit of telly, finally finished a book about Lenny Bruce… Weird fella that one…

Today there was work, of course, which was sorta ok… Just to be doing something with a sense of regularity to it. So I didn’t mind it too much. Afterwards I contemplated going to a political debate, what with the elections coming up and everything. But I decided against it. Also hangin’ out at O crossed my mind, but I wasn’t feeling up to it. Suddenly I got some real bad cramps and I had to rush >:(

Later on I felt a bit better and after surfing about a bit, I watched a movie, which was sorta ok. This week is gonna be an important week. This wednesday I have a meeting with a study-counsellor, to plan for my two tests I have to take in order to get my preliminary degree. I would have a whole world of new opportunities come this summer. I’m really scared, actually, ’cause i’m not sure if i can do it. Amazing how easy it is to get frightened by something simple as taking a test, preparing for a test… Considering how easy it is for me to get out on a stage…

Things could be looking up. Things could be moving along real nicely, if i play my cards right… It’s a strange game i’m rediscovering. I also have to be careful with my health. Keep myself strong and healthy. I remember how there were times when i found it impossible even to think about such things. How i would panic just by trying to think about one of the things i mentioned. Times have changed, apparently. Now it’s 4 am. I will lay me down now, close my eyes and enjoy the music and my tranquil thoughts… Until I drift off into a beautiful ocean of dreams, where I will find all that will complete me, surprise me and beguile me…

Friday 1 March 2002 15:34

Work, work, work… Meeting… Sleep. Some dumbass file that won’t delete… Goddamnit. Meeting with a printer in half an hour, gotta pick up my bike first… Grummmmmgrr…

Thursday 28 February 2002 1:56

Weird week. new opportunities, creating dilemma’s. I’m not sure where all this is leading yet… We’ll see… Gotta remember to play it cool… That goes for a lot of things. Just stay calm. It’s difficult… Last nite I really felt fucked up… Read some of my own work… That seemed to help a bit… Apparently I’ve felt like this before, similar… Guaka’s been here all week. Nice to see him, bad timing though. But it’s ok… Work is a drag, of course, but hell… Had a nice couple of days @ the beginning of this week, but as time moves on, you start to wonder about what it meant… Maybe nothing but a nice couple of days. Now it’s time to go to bed again. Tomorrow there’s work, rehearsals, then off to bed again and work fridaymorning… Then the literature-award, tomorrow evening… But I didn’t submit any stories, so… I guess it’ll be a bit of a waste of time… Don’t feel like being nice to people right now… Shouldn’t expose them to me… I guess… I hope I… Hope i’ll make the right decisions and perhaps in a little while i’ll be able to make definite changes. No longer be a passive spectator, a rubberball played with by circumstance. Take it up with the chief, boss… Catch my drift? Shit… Where’s that summer…? Where’s the new wine? Dying on the vine? Am I this old?

Wednesday 27 February 2002 2:50

trouble

Sunday 24 February 2002 22:40

Worked thursday… Then finally it was over. Weekend! In the evening S came over, we sat, ate, talked… Then later on I went to the club, but it wasn’t all that great… Bit of a bummer.

On friday I had a meeting with AE. Luckily we agreed on a few important issues and now we have one day per week for rehearsals. Which is really good. Later on I went to the club with Fluffy, where we met up with DJ 4-I’s. We talked about life and stuff. A boring nite, all in all, but the conversation was very good.

Saturday nothing much happened. I eventually went to the club, where there was a party in honour of some b-days… Had a few laughs and drinks with people I know… Then back home, sleep.

This afternoon P dropped by… I cooked, we had dinner, sat a bit, talked, listen to music… Watched some comedy… Now he’s gone… Tomorrow there’s work again… I really really don’t feel like going to work, but I have to… Earn money… Bah… Not much left to say… I’ll be off to bed real soon now…

Wednesday 20 February 2002 23:47

Worked today, all day… Boy is it boring. Went to the store, to get some groceries with K, cleaned, vacuumed, did the laundry, dishes, cooked, ate, sat in front of telly and now…

Gonna take it easy for a bit, then off to bed, cuz tomorrowmorning it’s hell again. Tomorrowevening S is coming over for dinner, so hopefully it’ll be a nice evening. Tomorrow it’s weekend 🙂

Got a call from Guaka, he’s coming over next week to play soccer, work and chill out, playing music hopefully. Hope we can round up some people… Have ourselves a nice little party 🙂

I’m thinking of something to say… But right now… This guy M killed himself last week. He announced it a long time ago. I believed him back then. What few people know is that I actually encouraged him not to wait another year. He did though. And then he did it. Guess he at least did want he wanted to do.

Here comes your face again

I got you stuck in my mind again

It’s like life is in a deep descend

But stop this madness, let it go…

Appear only when it’s true

If you mean it

Are you hearing it too

Deep in the little crevices between the winding worms of my brain

You pound with little hammers

Maddeningly deafening

I hear a voice, my voice

It stammers

Just a few words

Hammers and hair

Eyes and fear

Unannounced, she’s here

Tuesday 19 February 2002 17:09

Worked from nine today. In about an hour it’s off to the sportscentre for soccer. then later tonite a meeting at the club, about which I couldn’t care less. I’m really in no mood to sit and debate. Oh well… Then directly back home and back to bed again, cuz tomorrowmorning… You guessed it, I have to be at work again.

I have to get some new sneakers, pay my rent and other bills… Damn I need a better job…! I feel really tired too, cuz I don’t sleep enough. I can’t put myself to bed on time, so the alarmclock’s a horrorshow each morning. Fortunately there’s no time for depression, which is good… I think if I had some more time on my hands, I’d probably get pretty fucking depressed, but the way things are going, there’s just no time.

Monday 18 February 2002 22:38

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Anaconda

so tired… saturday back to N-town, party at Richy’s, then off to the club… Drank too much. Sunday fixed some pc trouble, had dinner and watched a movie with E. Today work @ 9… It’s hell… So fucking tired now… I’ll go to bed in sec. Enough. bah… tomorrow… 9am

Saturday 16 February 2002 1:32

Remote-Update

Thursday there was arbeit, of course… Then I relaxed a bit at home… Later on that evening I decided that it might be a good idea to go out for a drink, but it was incredibly boring… Not many people there, just left-overs from the carnaval. Eventually went home, a bit disappointed… But oh well…

Woke up friday and packed up in a hurry… Caught my southbound train just in time. Met up with my dad for a quick chat… Then home to get the car and do some shopping. At the airport I met this british gay guy whom I had a nice conversation with ’till mom showed up. We went home, unpacked a bit, talked a bit… Watched a bit of AE footage… Then she went off to bed, tired as a dog. Sitting here, a bit bored… Popped in The Deer Hunter, but it’s a bit slow-paced… And the thing is three hours long :/ Think I’ll rather go to bed and read a bit… Tomorrow back to N-town, there’s a party tomorrowevening at Richy’s. Sunday I’m gonna try and fix E’s pc… And of course monday… There’s work 🙁

Gotta find me another job, I just don’t get paid enough. There’s not enough work. We have to have a meeting concerning AE. There’s a lot of stuff that needs to be taken care of. The DIvX;-) is ready for distribution, there is enough money available to print the book… We have to get more gigs for this summer, do the festivals… Rehearse, re-think the show, re-arrange the pieces. There’s much to do.

I hope, that when she comes,

she comes to take me away.

I hope she won’t wait, nor linger, nor hesitate

I hope she sweeps me up, she will not procrastinate

But will she come?

Can I wait, can I stand sludgy time

slug-like, near-dead-bug-like, childhood afternoon eternity

I’m sleepy, my eyes are tired, milk-veiled

Fuzzy from staring into the distance, awaiting her call, her laughter or trumpet

She will kill

She will bear

She will tear

The insides out

Change memories

Until nothing is familiar

She’s late

I’m worried

Come now, come home, my beautiful, my moonlight saviour…

I can smell you, I think. I can hear you think, but it’s distance, distorted, painfully far.

Come to me

Wednesday 13 February 2002 23:03

Tuesday: work, soccer (some of the old group showed up in lieu of the regulars), canceled meeting. Later on I watched a movie, a three hour sitting. Worth it I guess… NOwhere near the book, unfortunately…

Today work… First a briefing in Amsterdam, then back to N-town for more work. Now I had my dinner, watched a bit of telly, perhaps a movie… Then tomorrow, more work… Later on to Limbabwe, or perhaps not until friday… Hmmm…

Tuesday 12 February 2002 3:24

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Some Kind of Stranger

What I didn’t realise at the time of the last update, was that I had to be at work within 5 hours. Which was kind of a bitch… But hey, I got up and got it done… I wasn’t exactly thrilled, but at least I did the job. Now I’ve been awake for too long again and I really should be heading off to bed… And I will… In a sec…

This morning around 9am some dick from CthemPonU showed up at my door, asking for the modem back, which I’d shipped many months before… And for which I still have to be reimbursed. Pretty fucking fucked up… So eventually I got to sleep… what… 4 hours…? shit…

Today I bought an agenda, so I won’t forget t ly need that.. Life has gotten so damn expensive… It’s incredible…

It’s magical happy boozeland down south right now… I’m wondering about things… I see these things in my mind. I think I finally found a way to live with a part of my mind… And perhaps I’ll always struggle in some ways…

Strange to be walking streets in serenity… In vast mindswept mountainwaves of image-desert… And this wind… How I love this wind… In the darkness of clouds, the darkness of a cloudy day… The darkness of your arms, of an embrace, kept from… Enveloped in scent, in warm nose-pleasing you-ness… A stroll along the river, a dive into the forests… Enchanted you make me, stretching my days into the past… Centuries pass under our light footsteps… We dance the ages away… Locked in your eyes. Depending on your breath to sustain me… Presence filling vacuum, words superfluous… Grab my hand… Entwine our legs… Let’s grow wings… And ride the storm…

Monday 11 February 2002 4:06

Drove to NevohdniE with Q last nite… Suzy and D were there, as was zieg and Rosso. We hung around a bit, drank some and finally headed towards the party. We arrived after a bit of a hassle at a huge complex. Many people, big hall, huge fire, make-shift cinema… Potential for a hell of a party, but i really didn’t dig the music. Eventually I met up with pH and his buddies and I drove them home.

Today laundryday… I exercised a bit, watched a bit of tv. pH dropped by earlier to pick up a phone… We talked for a while. Been boxing around with some software, gave up and now I sit here, yawning, trying not to get depressed… It’s potentially the most depressing night of the week… Sundaynite. “Some kind of stranger, come inside”

Saturday 9 February 2002 18:49

NP: Front 242 – Mutilate

Friday was pretty hard, working at 9am… I’m not used to that anymore, but it’s okay… I mean, i just have to cope with these things… Then in the evening some more work as well, but fortunately i was assigned to do “other” things… Get food for the staff and stuff like that…

When I came home, I just watched some tv and sat behind this thing, making sure I can use my 40GB hd again… Met an interesting girl online… Talked ’til morning… fell asleep…

Woke up pretty late, now tonite there’s a party in NevohdniE, which i’m sorta looking forward too… It’ll probably be cool. J is pickin me up in 2 hours… Have to go pick up some food and other stuffz 😉

Friday 8 February 2002 3:03

AE smallRealVid

Hard day today, long hours, saw E tonite… work in 6, then 4 off, then work…

Thursday 7 February 2002 3:03

NP: The Monks Of Maitri Vihar Monastery – Three deep singing monks

I guess it goes to show that if you fly high, you can crash deep. I don’t exactly know why, but at this point i’m at a low… Monday I did the gig with ArtEfficiency, which went okay, when taking into account the limitations of the venue. There were some fuck-ups as well… Afterwards I did a solo-rant, about a chapter and a half out of “Song of Sorrow“. I got some good responses here and there… Thankdog… I thought they were gonna boo me offstage.

Tuesday I had a meeting with some people from the Wintertuin“, which was pretty cool… Looks like ArtEfficiency might be helping out doing some gigs and organising a new event. Later that evening there was [email protected], which didn’t pan out all that well… There weren’t all that many people and preparations were insufficient. I also had prepare some video-material that was way below standards… Also I fucked up in the human relations area, I think… I went home directly after finishing up… I haven’t felt that low in a long time.

Today I woke up 20 minutes before i had to go to work. I slept like a log… I guess I really needed it… Long day at the office… Cooked dinner, talked to pH, watched some TV, washed some clothes… Found some really important backups (see entry of 13 December for details). So I’ll be able to use my additional 40GB. Which is nice, but doesn’t really lift my spirits… Tomorrow there’s work from 1pm to 5pm, then racing back home to eat, then back to work until 9pm… Gotta get some sleep.

Wednesday 6 February 2002 1:02

Oh boy, I suck…

Sunday 3 February 2002 22:56

The BBC is convincing me that i’m dying… Great sunday-evening entertainment. Fridaynite conversation and movie, mainly movies and puppeteering on saturday. Today sleep, exercise and tv… Now washing, doing the dishes, there’s some video-editing to be done. I haven’t had dinner yet… Guess I’ll skip tonite. Tomorrowmorning rehearsals, then in the evening there’s the performance. Damn they spelled our name wrong in all the media. That’s fucked up.

I have been thinking alot this weekend due to conversations and emotions, melancholy wrapped in simpler emotions… I feel I would be ready to take on more. To become more wrapped up in the world than i have been in a long time. I haven’t been so optimistic in ages. Hope there’s no long drop from this high. Can i sustain this?

I hope we get all the scenes right tomorrow. There’s so little space at that venue to do our show, we might as well move the whole thing into a closet and perform in there. Oh well… I’m really curious as to the amounts of people that will be showing up. Many of the people i’ve spoken to said they’d come, if that is the case tomorrow, it’ll be packed. But we’ll see of course. Hope they’ll be entertained. New bits in the show, new stuff is always a bit difficult… Not mentioning it’ll be only our second proper show 😉

face mind longing

blind future trouble

waiting nightmare hope

memory happy longing

face mind questioning

doubt uncertainty fear

smile for me

i’ll smile for you

Friday 1 February 2002 16:11

NP: Radiohead – Talkshow Host

Having a really busy day today, this morning i had to be at work, for a new project… It all looks promising… Then this afternoon a lot of AE stuff… Looks like this might become one of the busiest years ever… Cool! 😉

I’m doing dishes right now… In an hour there’s work again and i have to clean this place up a bit… It was such a fucking mess…

Thursdaymorning there were rehearsals @ university, then at night some more work… I tried to hit the sack early, but i didn’t sleep before 4 am…

Stormy warm weather… Well relatively warm, it’s only february… I have no words yet to describe my mood… Okay, break’s over!

Friday 1 February 2002 1:14

NP: Church of Euthanasia – I like to watch

  I like to watch!

Video      MP3

Thursday 31 January 2002 5:59

Worked mondaynite, then off to meet S at Merleyn… Haven’t seen him for ages, glad to see he’s doin’ okay… Pretty wacked, but still going strong… After a brief, hectic visit to Odessa, with lots of familiar faces, we ended up at my place.

Tuesday I met up with AE @ the club for rehearsals… 11am is too fucking early… But we had fun and it seems that the new show is coming along nicely. I tried to get some sleep after that ‘cuz later that evening me, E and L were expected in the NPS-tv studios. Guaka showed up too and our illusions concerning television were dispelled within minutes. We had fun eitherway. After driving back home, we had some drinks in the basement.

Today I woke up really late, went to work and had E and L over to get the voices done for the show next tuesday. I had a great evening in great company. It’s really early and in a few hours time, there’s rehearsals again. I have to get to sleep ‘cuz tomorrowevening there’s work again… So… I have to be clearheaded. Right now, I feel really good though 🙂

Monday 28 January 2002 12:32

NP: The Cure – A Few Hours After This

Just woke up… Beautiful sunny day today… The weekend is over. Friday there was work, afterwards a meeting, then hours spent drinking at the club. Saturday there was a party @ C’s, where I had some fun playing guitar with G-man. The party spilled over into an irish pub, then on to the club of course. Sunday there was an AE-meeting a bit of tv.

Right now i feel a bit queasy… But i’m sure that’ll pass… I’ll do a spot of cleaning up today… Then some things I have to do… Then there’s work.

I’ve been asked to attend some television-show together with some people from the club… That’ll happen tomorrownite… Really curious about that.

Friday 25 January 2002 5:55

NP: Bill Laswell and Tetsu Inoue – Monochrome Existence

Feel a little bit better… Saw Leon’s show tonite… Pretty good… Afterwards I had a few drinks with some friends… I feel a bit low… I always imagine that there is so much more to life than there actually is… That always comes back to haunt me… It’s okay though… It’s just another very expensive lifelesson one has to learn. Right now I don’t want to think anymore, I’ll make my bed and lie in it, drink a drop of water… Wait for friday to find me, curled in the sheets, blissfully dreaming of other worlds, other people, other me…

Wednesday 23 January 2002 5:09

NP: The Cure – A Short Term Effect

Still sick as a dog… Can’t sleep… I’ll try again in a minute… Tried to play some soccer tonite, but the effect was rather devastating. I was hoping that sweating it out would cure this disease… Alas… Off to bed again…

Tuesday 22 January 2002 4:09

NP: Robbie Williams – The Road to Mandalay

Turned out to be really really sick today… Been sneezing forever, so much that my chest and arm hurts… Dropped by work and the employment office to call in sick… Then did a little shopping… Some vitamins.

Watched a movie this afternoon… Did a bit of laundry, some dishes watched another movie. Gonna go to bed in a moment. Watched this last nite… Guess the book is better… Off to hopefully calmer dreams this nite…

Monday 21 January 2002 2:50

Call me Snuffy, for I have the sniffles… In a big way… I’m sick… But broke, so i’ll have to go to work tomorrow anyway… :/

Last nite was fun. Weird, I guess… Different, definitely, but fun. I’m so tired. Sleep now.

I can’t compare

now and yesterday

Even if it feels like

I’ve been led astray

I use the same words

nearly everyday

I find no comfort, no hope

Just a long and lonely highway

If all the daydreams of long ago

were merely daydreams,

where did they go?

Can’t hold on to them,

find them again

although i’ve been searching for so long

I need a small sign

A little hope, that this life ain’t so wrong

But to lose it all

All over again

When I wake up everyday

Is enough to make me want to end it all

Enough to throw it all away

I’m not crying now

I don’t need no help

I just want to understand

Where have all the good things gone

What’s the name of this strange land?

And i wind up the clocks

draw the curtains

put my mind at ease

for when evening falls

and the darkness comes

so do the dreams to taunt and please

I don’t understand…

nothing is the same

nothing remains

nothing makes sense

and maybe nothing ever will again

Friday 18 January 2002 4:29

Soccer was a success! Thankdog… There were enough people to make it a very interesting match. My jobinterview didn’t transpire… The job turned out to be non-existant. Great job guys…

Wednesday there was work, confirmation that we’ll be performing with [email protected]Merleyn.04.02.02 which is good news. Work again.

Weird fucking dreams, money talks… Fast shopping-experiences… Off to work. Off to a meeting. A few drinks, too late again… Shit, tomorrow work 8 hours… ok… Tomorrownite I’ll sleep fast. Saturday there’s work, at least the evening will be okay 🙂

Really really gotta go sleep…

Tuesday 15 January 2002 5:09

Just found out that a few days ago Gowenna died in a car accident. 🙁

She was one of the founding mothers of the Donkey-network, feeding the donkey by her great work, nurturing it to maturity. I will remember the work you have done, which has given so many of us great pleasure. It is very tragic that you had to die in a stupid car-crash. You will be greatly missed. Forums here and here.

Rest in Peace, Geraldine

Tuesday 15 January 2002 4:09

NP: Radiohead – Lucky

Friday I worked, in the evening we had an AE-meeting… Planned a lot of things… Then Mikey and Zieg showed up… We talked all nite… In the morninghours I went for a long cleansing walk in the dark, the mist. I really needed that… A night-shower.

Saturday I met up with G-man, A and some other people to go out… We had fun.

Sundaynite there was the new year’s party @ the club… It was quite alcoholic. Got into sort of an argument. Guess I understand why philosophy and religion are such common causes for war.

Today I felt so sick I stayed in. I called in sick at work, stayed in bed, just trying to feel better. Eventually felt somewhat up to do some chores… Cleaned my room, did the laundry and most of the dishes… Hardly ate today. Now I’ll go to bed. Long day tomorrow. Work, soccer, meeting.

You can do it all alone

You can try to drag them along

A long, long way

You’ll probably get tired

And lead everyone astray.

To lead or to follow

Keep a steady pace

Ahead is the way

Ahead with grace

I still feel like a stranger among these people

I still feel lost in this world of hate

I wait for my savior

In panic, yet reason

I plea with souls of wisdom

To tell me my fate

Nothing leaves me

Nothing befalls me

Nothing eventually matters to me

She descends in my thoughts

Like leaves in autumn

Lies heavy on my heart

Like snow in winter

Melts my soul

Like sun in spring

And scorches me completely

Like the summer heat

Suppose these dreams are yours

Suppose these hopes are realistic

A bit futuristic

It’d be a damn shame to let them go

A noble goal

An attainable, pure soul

When we die

We don’t leave together

We split and writhe

And fight to surrender

Sympathy only for the demonic

Only feel for the torturers, the sadists

We are turned inside out

We are wronged at birth

We don’t wait for death

But actively seek it

Suppose I could explain

Suppose it can be rationalised

But why should we?

Even in this we have reversed

In a world of reason

Emotion is king

In a world of hate

It is love

Disguised as hate

That I bring

Friday 11 January 2002 1:55

NP: Crowded House – Don’t dream it’s over

Well, to continue… After the meeting tuesdayevening I stayed at the club to have a drink… We had a really good time, lively conversation, heated discussion 😉 Later on I enjoyed some tea and great company before buzzing off to bed…

Wednesday came too early… There was not much besides work. When I walked out out of the building I work in, I was greeted by S who’d been waiting in the freezing cold for me… We had a great evening… It was really good to see her again… She was so tired, she’s a hard working girl these days…

After she left, I was updating the news, until G-man dropped by around 1 am. We had some drinks @ the club and ended up talking all nite. Good music near the end (good work, dj 4i’s!). Woke a bit late this afternoon, so I had to go to work after being awake for only 2 hours. It was hell tonite…

Got home, had dinner… Sat in front of the telly… Talked to Josh on the phone. He had given me some info on gig-possibilities… Checking that out… Also talked to Guaka online… He’s doing a gig in Rotterdam tomorrownite. It’s too bad I can’t be there… Would love to see/hear it! Good luck anyway! I’m contributing a bit by phone, hopefully… We’ll see. Maybe IndusTree will be performing there soon.

Got some news from my mom today… She’s doing great. Good to hear. Also today my friend left… The bastard skipped countries on me… I was hoping to talk to him before he left… When he gets back, I have to make more time for him… I’ve really done a piss-poor job of a being a friend. He’ll be back in a few months. It’ll be ok.

So tired of being scared all the time

Always the same doubt

Always the same despair in rhyme

Maybe this time I’ll be allowed

It’s like a muscle that’s been strained too much

I keep working it

I keep flexing it

Hoping to end this in a clutch

An embrace

A gesture

Just a hint of grace

Thursday 10 January 2002 0:45

Tuesday we talked about ArtEfficiency… About the show… About what’s next. Earlier my dentist confirmed that I do not have any wisdom-teeth… Which is fine by me… No pain. After the rehearsals, I hung around at the club. Later on there was soccer… At least, that was the plan, but somehow the motherfuckers didn’t show. We’ll see what happens next week. After soccer I had a meeting…

Alrighty… G-man just walked in, so I’ll finish this later…

Monday 7 January 2002 16:00

NP: Primal Scream – Trainspotting

Did everything I had to do… Made the phonecalls… Have the perspective… There’s even some hope glimmering on the horizon… Gotta go to work in a bit… I’ll be back around nine… A movie perhaps, then bed… Hmmm… Endure…

Monday 7 January 2002 12:19

NP: Radiohead – Killer Cars

Weekend’s over… Thankdog… It’s getting so fucking boring these weekends… Gotta find me something to do… Work perhaps? A hobby? Oh well… Got up early today… Did some things I had to do. Did a morning work-out… Work later on… This afternoon, I’ll have to do some club-related things… Was thinking about doing a tour of the town, try and get some gigs… But I think I’ll wait until after tomorrow. Could go to some employment offices I guess. I hate that so much… Could register… Hmmm yeah, could do that…

Sunday 6 January 2002 3:52

After work last nite Zieg and Mikey dropped by… We watched some Enterprise, drank a little voddy… Zieg left, me and Mikey had some talks about the future… I’m trying to figure some things out about myself… It’s a bit harder than I thought, but i’ll get there…

Saturday was a pretty quiet day… Met up with pH, drove around, played around with broken glass, accompanied him to the station… Thnx for the discs, by the way… Spent most of my nite burning cd’s, to get some discspace… There was talk of going to fluffy’s gig, but i wasn’t up to it. No money anyway…

So now the nite is over… And again I have these thoughts in my head…

Friday 4 January 2002 14:00

Hey… I spent my time well… 🙂 Buy ME! 🙂

Or click on store in the menu

Friday 4 January 2002 10:18

Went to bed real early last nite… Didn’t feel so good at all. Slept for about ten hours, Again weird motherfucking dreams… I guess stayin’ off the dope is finally paying off… Today there’s a lot of things I need to do… Got to tend to the bills and ehm… Wait… There was a lot I had to do… But what was it? I remember… I was gonna go to some employment offices, but I received word that one of them wants to hire me, maybe… So I guess I should wait until I find out, next monday. I could do a spot of cleaning up… That wouldn’t hurt, but in fact it’s not so messy…

Well, Zieg is dropping by tonite with the liquid remnants of new year’s eve… Which should prove to be rather interesting 🙂 I guess I’ll just do some reading today, or perhaps a bit of writing… Who knows… We’ll see…

Thursday 3 January 2002 14:38

NP: Radiohead – The National Anthem

Got up really early yesterday (my standard) and took care of some business. We are playing soccer again! 🙂 Me happy. Then of course I had to work. Which was ok… It was pretty quiet, so it almost(!) seemed cosy. Right after that I had to attend a meeting, which got a bit out of a hand at a certain point. I ended up driving to Velp with E to get someone home. What a drive. It took us the better part of 2 hours to get back. Stayed for a drink or two… Went home, forgot about dinner, made my bed and slept. Those dreams… What does it mean? Does it mean anything? I don’t know.

There was actually a lot of stuff I wanted to do today, but I guess these things are important as well… Tonite I’ll be hitting the sack really early, to get a head-start tomorrow. First there is work, of course. I’m thirsty, gonna drink me some water now.

Wednesday 2 January 2002 1:15

Slept. My mood hasn’t changed much… Although I have a feeling of perspective… Of possibility. But that might just be the after effects of that liter of wine and those three vodka-oj’s. I’ll have to head off to bed again soon… Tomorrow I’ll have to go to work again. Last nite I wrecked the back-tire of my bike. I’ll have to get it fixed again. But it won’t be too soon… No cash. Gotta find more work, got to pay bills.

Damn it’s cold… It’s dark, there’s still some snow everywhere… It’s deep winter. I’m still not writing. I thought I would have been by now… But then again… A lot has happened in these past weeks. Still, winter isn’t over by a long shot. Good weather for sleep.

Tuesday 1 January 2002 7:22

NP: Gary Moore – Midnight Blues

That was it. It’s done, it’s over, we’re back at the beginning. The Alpha is here, amazingly right after Omega. I might have done something stupid tonite, but I really felt like it. It’s just words and I don’t even know if the address is correct. It’s been so goddamn long. I feel so old. The new day has already started. Luckily I have this wonderful collection of music, which I’m gonna play in a second. I’ll sleep and dream of times when I was happier. :’-|

Monday 31 December 2001 23:01

End of another year… And what a fucked up year it has been. Seems like there’s been nothing but shit. When you see these overviews of the year, you might ask why we don’t just call it quits… Blow up the planet and let contingency decide whether humanity will ever arise again. Whatever, I guess… Tolerance into Indifference, Structure into Dust, Animals into People… When will we understand? Anyway… Flappy New Pear.

Sunday 30 December 2001 9:07

NP: cEvin Key – Meteorite

Shit… Still awake… Added an info-page… Long overdue… ONly rEachAble throuGh thE pic OF ME oN The homepAge… just cLick on it anD it will takE you to a page ContAining more information concerning mY person than you need. Or just click here (that is if you are interested and don’t know me… or just want to know what kind of BS i’d feed my cavedwellers)

Dilemmas… Sleep or no… Hmmmm… Shit… Sunny outside. It’s winter… Come on, give me a break.

Sunday 30 December 2001 5:58

NP: Datacide – Flashback Signal

This is the playlist that’s been on random and repeat in my winamp for the last couple of days… 🙂 No wonder I’m a bit spaced out.

I went to Josh and H-F’s place wednesday afternoon. H-L was already there and later on some more ppl arrived, among whom Guaka. We had a lovely 6 course dinner, a lot of gin and high spirits… Outside the snow kept falling and falling… (It was almost wham-like 😉

I couldn’t get to sleep… So I caught the first bus and train out of there, back to N-town. I fell fast asleep in my own bed and didn’t wake until much later. Went to the club for drinks on thursday. Ended up sitting here around 8 am with Richy… Long sleep…

Fridaynite Mikey and Zieg dropped by… We watched a couple of movies, talked a bit…

Today again absolutely nothing. I’ll be real glad when the holidays are over… I can’t handle them anymore. Still absolutely no clue what i’ll do and where i’ll be come new year’s eve… That’s a bit typical too, I guess… I’ve abandoned all hope… Which is the wise thing to do, it seems.

So now I’ll just crawl into bed again… Wait for the 6-9 hours of sleep to pass… Kick myself in the nuts tomorrow so i’ll do something again… (as in dishes, laundry, general cleaning) Oh boy… This is promising to be a hell of a new year… Watch this space… (or just space, for that matter)

Wednesday 26 December 2001 6:21

I ended up going out for a drink last saturday. Wrong idea. It was ok… But it gets so boring. Sunday nothing, monday nothing, tuesday nothing. I have just wasted away three days of my life. Sitting inside being bored out of my skull. I could have done things, but somehow i couldn’t muster any enthusiasm or spirit to do anything but watch a few movies. Bah… Tomorrow i’ll go out and do something even it means kicking myself in the nuts so i’ll get ice from the freezer.

Sunday 23 December 2001 1:34

After rehearsals thursday, I went home for dinner, then back to D’s place, where I found Fluffy, DJ 4-I’s and Guaka… We headed down to Roosje, to prepare for the performance. It wasn’t as we had planned, but hey… We improvised a bit.

Halfway through the first round, I noticed someone I know standing against the wall, moving a bit sluggishly. After the first round, he collapsed, so I got him out of the venue into the hall. I propped him up on a chair and talked to the organisers about getting him home. Eventually we got him into an ambulance and off to the hospital… I imagine they pumped his stomach and he’s alright now. Should check up on him, I guess…

At the end of the evening, it was our turn to do our performance. Impossible but true, we actually impressed a few people. They liked the performance and some of the people who were involved in organising these things, invited us to do more performances and offered help. I sincerely hope we will be able to utilize some of their offerings, so we’ll be able to tour the country with this show. I’d love to improve upon it and extend it, so we might eventually have about three quarters of an hour’s worth. But we’ll see.

Friday I woke up late. First there was work, then dinner with Guaka and his colleagues. Guaka and me met up at the club a few hours later. Had a few drinks…

Spent the day with Guaka, just talking and doing computer-thingies. I borrowed his car and went xmas-grocery-shopping. Quite the experience, since there’s been snowstorms all day. It looks like it might be a white christmas after all. He left.

I’ve been sitting here, thinking. I’ve been wondering… How fast time has passed. 

Like the best wine

It takes maturity to savour tears

To drink a lover’s sorrow

I was so young

I’ve been out of time

All I’m left with, is a song

Thursday 20 December 2001 2:33

NP: The Cure – The Holy Hour

Rehearsals went well, we worked quite hard to get everything right. Quite an ordeal, but I really enjoy doing it. I’m having a bit of a weird week… But that’s okay, i guess. The gig went well last nite. I arrived at the royal conservatory in The Hague around 17:30, standing in front of it, when I got a call from Guaka, telling me to hurry the fuck up, cuz we had less than half an hour to set up. Interesting 🙂 I work well under pressure. There was not much to do… We hooked up the effex, tested the beamer after hooking it up to my cam… Everything seemed to work, so we headed downstairs for dinner… Too expensive and yuck, by the way…

With the first piece out of the way, it suddenly was our turn. It happened really fast at that point, so i just turned off my brain and flew on autopilot. I walked up to the front, where my mike was… Guaka was standing behind the crowd (i estimate there were about 30-40 people) and was mixing the whole thing. I opened my book, used Guaka’s green light to be able to read my scribblings… The cam was hooked up to the beamer, which was beaming what I was filming behind me on the curtains. I raised the cam up to my eye to have my eye fullscreen on the wall… Then I just started ranting 🙂

Afterwards there was a discussion about the pieces of that evening and to my surprise, they didn’t rip it apart, but even seemed to have liked it. There was some old geezer, who was interested in the backgrounds of the lyrics, the piece itself, the performances… Apparently we struck a chord with the guy. Afterwards I found out that the man was Konrad Boehmer himself. He even walked up to us afterwards, complimenting us again and telling us to keep up the good work.

To say that this was not what i expected of the evening would be a gross misrepresentation of my state of mind beforehand. There was one guy, his name was Alo, who performed a piece that really blew me away. Really dark and haunting. I liked it very much. Afterwards we had a drink with a few of Guaka’s fellowstudents, then around half past midnight I caught the last train back to N-town.

Today was spent in limbo, i guess. I did a bit of shopping, dishes, cooking… I feel a bit miserable. Stomach-cramps… I’ll go to bed now. Tomorrow is a busy day. First rehearsals, all day, then in the evening the ArtEfficiency performance, which will be quite energy-consuming. but fun 🙂

Tuesday 18 December 2001 3:24

NP: South Park – Butters’ very own Episode

Worked a lot the last couple of days… The weekend was okay, saturday me, Mikey and a few pals went to the club. It was okay, I guess… I really need to find another way to spend my weekends. Sunday we rehearsed a bit… In the evening we went to Richy’s to plan our festival may next year.

Worked again today. Tomorrow there’s rehearsals first, then off to the Hague, to do the discussion-gig with Guaka… Afterwards we’re planning on heading down to the beach, looking forward to that. I’m tired. No more thinking now. Only sleep.

Thursday 13 December 2001 15:59

NP: Curtis Mayfield – Pusher Man

I go to bed too late, I wake up too late, have to work every nite… Shit… That ain’t good… Gotta find me another job. Make more money, work days.

So fucking busy, tonite another meeting at the club, next week two gigs, rehearsing… Don’t know why , but I remain tired. Guess it’s the darkness. I ain’t gettin’ enough sunlight. And it’s so goddamn cold.

I inadvertently formatted one of my harddrives… Lost 40GB of data, among which every piece of art, prose or poetry I wrote in the last ten years :'(

I don’t know if i’ll be able to restore my files, if that won’t work, i’ll build a little mausoleum for my disc and keep it until i have enough money to have it restored.

Work in a bit 🙁 Shit…. Something’s gotta give…

Saturday 8 December 2001 14:33

NP: Kraftwerk – Autobahn

Tonite J, H-F and H-L are dropping by… We’ll go party tonite. Last nite zieg was here, we went for dinner and saw a movie afterwards… Very nice… The evening before that i ended up at the club… ok, i guess… Some girls… The day before that I eventually ended up at the club as well…

I don’t feel too good… Could be i’m falling ill… Watching people through a lense, zooming them up close and personal… Watching, not participating… Soon enough, i’ll be up on a stage again… She’s lost control again I have to maintain. I’m slipping… I am tired… but… oh I don’t know. I need some deep hardcore change. Any beautiful girls out there that want to be in a short (non-porn) film? I want to make a short film, I’d like to transform one of my short stories into a video-short. I want to get my stuff out there…

What

………is

…………it

Are you okay? Are you listening? I really want to go out… I really don’t want to go out… I you… command…. I should command you… I command who? What is that thing… oh it’s just a body… Nothing to worry about… Mind penetration… She’s walking in red, in greenblue shimmersmile… A beautiful sight… So fragile, uptight… But to kiss it means to break the spell… The skin screaming for blade, skinking skinqueen, a desert eye, I’ve seen her insides. Why dream like this? Why break glass of silence with hammertongue? Can’t we just sit and drip glassbeads with our minds, watching blue disappear in blue, swimming in blue, in winterfrostbitenightimedarkness…?

Tuesday 4 December 2001 2:29

NP: Radiohead – Street Spirit

Well why not… Another war to fill our cnn-screens… We live in interesting times… World War… Definitely a possibility.

Worked today… Not much else. Keeping quiet… Try to maintain. 18th december will see me and Guaka performing Ameracs Sumic at the royal conservatory in The Hague… Why? No clue whatsoever… Will they dig it? LOL, well we’ll see… Kinda exciting… Work tomorrow… Sleep now.

Monday 3 December 2001 3:58

Have done next to nothing today… Woke up from weird-ass dreams after deciding that sleeping would be the most satisfying way to spent my afternoon. Cleaned up a bit, did some exercises, some dishes, candled some bottles… Took a shower. Don dropped by to tell me about his adventures, but I was getting really sleepy by ten, so I asked him to leave…

Watched another episode of Enterprise, then surfed around a bit, read a bit… Now it’s 4 a.m. again. I have to work tomorrow-evening… Which is fine with me… But I have to work as well tuesday during the day… Which is a bit crappy… But oh well… It’s just not productive enough… I need a real job… hmmmmm

Busy week ahead… A lot of work, meetings, rehearsals… I’ll go sleep now…

Sunday 2 December 2001 5:31

NP: Arvo Pärt – Cantus in Memory of Benjamin B

Well well… Hell of a week! Been working everyday ‘xcept for tuesday, which was busy as well… It’s okay, I can hack it, but sometimes it gets to me… Just calling people with the same story over and over… Also the hours aren’t ideal, but i’m really not complaining. It’s okay… Hopefully I can get more work, or perhaps a different job…

Got my Sony DCR-TRV130E! 🙂 Also bought a Dynalink FireWire card, to jam the vidz into my pc… I’m really happy with it… It’s got really nice toys and good digital zoom, happy happy!

We’re getting shit together concerning ArtEfficiency. I’ll hopefully have a website up and running by the end of this month. The 20th we will be performing again @ roosje, probably with the support of Dj4I’s. I hope this will pave the path for lots of shows in 2002. Really enthusiastic about it.

Just relaxing this weekend… Nothing special… Yesterday I hung with Zieg and 4I’s @ the club… Tonite the curly couple came over to watch a movie, which was nice, just relaxing with friends. It’s pretty late again… I hope I can get up a bit early tomorrow, so i’ll get into somewhat of a healthy rhythm… Also want to do some things tomorrow.

Oh… Right! About those glasses… Does anyone recognize them? Anybody missing a pair of pretty strong-lensed glasses? Contact me thru this page or gimme a call @ 06-24904438

Friday 30 November 2001 16:42

Glasses… Anyone?

Wednesday 28 November 2001 3:41

NP: Massive Attack – Black Milk

Happy birthday Guaka!

Just watched some new South Park-episodes… Shit… How do these guys STAY funny? Ben Assfleck… I’m seriously you guys…

Finished up some business today… Played soccer (have to remember to prolong our reservations) with one of the local celebs on our team… Great to be bangin’ the ball again… Went to a meeting afterwards… Don’t think I’ll succeed in interesting her. Stayed up way too late again… It’s nearly 4 am again… Tomorrow back to work. Hope I’ll get some positive news about the other position… Still haven’t cleared out the mess… I will tomorrow… I want my cam 🙁

Tuesday 27 November 2001 1:13

Work went well… The cam is gonna take a bit longer than i hoped… Sorting things out tomorrow… This place is a mess again… Why does this always happen? I’m tired again. Guess it’s the price i have to pay for last weekend.

I’ll read a bit, just a bit of quiet, comfortable reading, before Morpheus takes me… Some good news, although it’s not nearly enough, of course… Try to focus on the good bits… Just the good stuff…

Monday 26 November 2001 12:41

NP: Arvo Pärt – Fratres for Cello and Piano

Haven’t slept enough… need to go lie down again… I won’t be able to work tonite if i’m this tired and fucked up.

No cam today, I woke up and rushed to an ATM, but it’s all in vain… The guy at the store told me they’re sold out. He doesn’t know when they’ll be available again. Shit!

Is she there yet? I need some shut-eye, now…

Sunday 25 November 2001 23:13

NP: The Doors – My Eyes have seen You

It’s official: We’re Gods

Madness… That’s okay… We’ll see what this world will come to… 

Gazing at a city… under television skies

…and so on and so forth on we struggle in our fights our justifications, our fears lead us into darker abysses…

And we said we’d all go down together, yes we would all go down together… we smoked our hashpipe and played our doorstape

Alas there are no doors to inspire pacifism in our soldiers, no beautiful free young men and women, roaming our citystreets with flowers in their hair… But I can sit here, still, listening to some of the most beautiful music I have ever heard, thinking of strings of words, that can bring me to tears… and the dreams i have, the memories i cherish and the conviction that my life has revolved around this fantastic idea that there is this answer, that is no answer, that is an answer and the greatest question, that ball of consequence, that worldtree, with eagle and snake and mushroom as companions, all things rolled into one, in exploding diversity, in exquisite detail…

But these thoughts have no place in my head tomorrow-evening, no time to waste on art, nor time for poetry, sweet music gone… What strange beings are we… Confining ourselves more and more in prisons of our own making. I need to go sleep. I haven’t slept much… Too busy having a headrush, I drank too much last nite, first wine, then wodka, then mezcal… I got quite up close and personal with a toilet-bowl… But it’s okay… I remembered things… I have recalled images… It was a good very bad night. And the world has turned… As it always will in my lifetime, but to know that it might end, will end for sure, that it once wasn’t there… That is what makes me right, that is what makes me write… That is what makes it worthwhile and interesting and magical.

Thursday 22 November 2001 2:13

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Afterhours

Propaganda went well… although there was some really bad shit afterwards… wrong fucked up interpretations and mean tempered people… Goddamnit… I hate this shit… Fuck…

Had my first day on the job today… It feels good to be working… although it’s not enough yet…. and i still don’t know what the fuck i’m supposed to do with my life… But let’s take it one step at a time… perhaps that’s better…

My mouse is acting weird… it’s going places without me steering it there… I don’t understand… it’s not controlled eithered.. just eratic random movements… my browser won’t display sources anymore… Weird goings on…

I ordered a cam… pretty cool machine I think… Let’s wait and see….

The leaves whisper in the wind

In dark hidden corners

I don’t want to doubt myself

This blind one-eyed monster

is feeling around in the dark

Makes fire appear from bare hands

Then burns himself

What is going on

What am i coming to?

Here comes that winter again…

Winds flaring up to pound my chest

If i’d had known it would be like this

I would have tried harder…

I would really have done my best

Saturday 17 November 2001 14:57

NP: Radiohead – Packt Like Sardines in a Crushed Tin Box

I’m still not sure what to do with my KonCon-experience… Maybe I should just go ahead and try it anyway… At worst it would be a waste of time.

Final preparations for Propaganda are underway… I think we might even pull it off. Interested? Drop in @ the club next tuesdayevening.

I’m gonna do some dishes in a minute, a bit of vacuüming, a quick shower… E is gonna be here in 1.5 hours to work with me on editing some videomaterial for tuesday *sigh*

Tonite SmAids, J, Daffy & Suzy and Zieg will be coming over. Juan Atkins will be spinnin’ tonite @ the Rose. So we will be checkin’ that… Hope it’ll be groovy…

The poetry-performance last thursday went quite well… I guess we got a pretty got response to what we’re doing… Although I think these kind of slams are more directed at entertaining than diving into poetry… The guy who won didn’t exactly dig deep… But he got ’em laughing… Oh well… It was phun to do and we’ll do it again on 20 december again @ the Rose.

It’s truely a saturday…

Wednesday 14 November 2001 20:06

Busy busy busy….

Hell in The Hague…

What do they want?

Propaganda=underway.

Wanna party…. Really wanna party… Wanna fuck…

Work

Gotsta go now

Monday 12 November 2001 16:22

Another one hits the Apple

Oh, we will stagger

Lose our bearings

On and on

Yes, there can be no

Obvious answers

As we move on, and on and on,

We must tremble

Lame and humble

On and on 

Oh, useless anger

There’s no answer

To be found

We will stagger

We will falter

Stained and blackened

On and on

Sunday 11 November 2001 7:11

So ends another weekend. Nothing but using the eyes. Waiting for nothing. Makes me wonder why I quit drugs. This would be perfect for some substance-abuse. Dark-style. Demonstyle.

The air smells of fire

Freezing fire under a concrete ceiling

I can feel them in bed together

The head throbs with new season

Suppose sleep is the reason

I am not afraid anymore

But the fire and her pervasive smell

Tang this morning

This cold morning in hell

Saturday 10 November 2001 4:14

Limp Bizkit won… oh well… It’s MTV… So why be surprised at all? Feels like the first nite of winter… It’s all foggy and cold and starry…

Something’s completely wrong with me… I have no fucking idea what’s happening. Seems i’m losing my grip on reality. Our country is contributing to the war effort… Nothing seems to really matter anymore, except for money and status. I try not to be bothered by it all… But it somehow does bother me. What happens when everyone decides that we should not bother with these things and just go with this dark, muddled flow?

I’ll be up on a stage again this week… I’ll be saying something that i dreamt up on one of these surreal nites. I will be ignored, ridiculed or gently pushed aside for more entertaining poets. That’s okay… I know words are failing. Wasn’t sure about thoughts though. Guess I know now.

Today one of my best friends has his birthday. He’s turning 26. It’s a bit frightening to me… I wish you all the best… Happy Birthday Josh…

Friday 9 November 2001 7:06

NP: The Orb – Assassin (oasis of rythms)

Been pre-occupied with this new nite @ the club. It’s more work than I thought and somehow I get the feeling it’s gonna be quite the little bitch to pull off… We’ll see I guess. Still no goddamn job… I don’t fucking understand. Oh well… Gonna have to be goin’ on welfare, I guess.

Working on our ArtEfficiency-stuff… So I might see some stagetime later this month and in December as well… I’m curious as to how things will turn out. It’s getting a whole hell of a lot colder now… Thinking about it, well it’s no big surprise of course… It’s November.

Next week I have an appointment in The Hague… I really want to get into this college. I hope they’ll let me… Hope I’m good enough. Starting to get really anxious about that one… Guess that’s how it works when you want something really bad…

Wow, i’m having flashbacks of driving in eastern europe on a summer’s day… Strange to be remembering this now… It’s such a long time ago.

Monday 5 November 2001 0:30

Zieg dropped by and we cooked dinner. Later on A & A delivered the cam and we watched the interviews. Then they left and Zieg and me went down to the club and had a few drinks. I stayed too long… It wasn’t all that great. Guess I’m just no longer in the mood for it.

Sunday came and went… Watched a little tv, did a little workout… Took a shower, had dinner… Watched some more tv… Have to edit the tape… But I think I’ll do that tomorrowmorning… Try and get some sleep first.

The dreams and thoughts

They shift and move

The world appears so strange

Can’t discern reality

It’s all just lost in memory

Nothing more to say, whatever is true

Is true

Saturday 3 November 2001 15:53

NP: Southpark – Two guys naked in a hot tub

Thursdaynite was spent deliberating a new course for ArtEfficiency with D & thaFluff. Afterwards we went into to town for some drinks. Fridaynite Mikey and me went to nevohdniE to see SmAids @ some semi-barnyard-fest. Around 1:30 we drove back to N-town. Watched some Southpark, went to sleep, woke up to the sound of M&D ringin’ the doorbell, coming to pick up the car.

Still a bit tired… Not sure what I’ll do tonite. Perhaps I’ll go down south later this weekend.

Wednesday 31 Oktober 2001 15:27

NP: The Cure – M

Another night over… I guess I was pretty drunk last nite. I hadn’t had a chance to eat dinner before going to the meeting, so afterwards, when I decided to join in for a couple of drinks, it all went a bit faster than I thought.

I had fun though… It was really crowded @ the club… Quite unusual for a tuesday. I talked to E for most of the night and then somehow we got sucked into the crowd. I wish I’d left earlier though. I just stayed too long.

Picked up Skinny Puppy‘s live album “Doomsday back & forth 5”. Sounds great. Brings back memories… It’s the soundtrack to my tattoo 🙂 Wish I could do that one over again. Don’t know what I’ll do today. Haven’t got a clue… Something’s gonna have to change.

Wednesday 31 Oktober 2001 4:32

Seems like the only thing

I know is how to make

a fool of myself

I run around hysterical

I run around around around

Don’t look at my face now

Don’t look at my clothes

I am the laughing stock

of this town

No wonder I’m so morose

The girls they all don’t like me

The guys think i’m a joke

I’m a joke, i’m a joke, i’m a joke

I wish I was laughing

But of course I am not

Luckily I’m too drunk to bother

It’s okay okay okay I guess

This all will end real soon

Just a few more months and I’ll be skippin’ town again

Then it’s goodbye goodbye, auf wiedersehen

and they all will laugh

And i will go away

And they all will laugh

And I will go away

And it’s okay… it’s all okay…

Words are failing

That’s okay

Tuesday 30 Oktober 2001 5:49

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Some Kind of Stranger

Read some of Søren Kierkegaard‘s book last nite. I loved it right from the start and it remains as attractive to read as it was when I first opened it’s pages. Too bad it is so late right now, otherwise I might read some more. Fell asleep into a pitchblack pit filled with the most wonderous dreams… Amazing the stuff your mind comes up with when you allow it to turn off the lights…

Have been busy mainly with getting stuff done for the new nite @ the club today. Which reminds me… Okay… Had to update my “To-Do-list” 🙂 Not much else happening today… I went to O to mix business with pleasure, which I think has worked out fine. Saw pH and P, had a few laughs. Now I guess I’ll go to sleep… Tomorrow I will hopefully hear from the employment office and will go to soccer again. Hopefully my poor ankle will allow a bit of exercise. Gotta pick up my jacket too!

Sunday 28 Oktober 2001 17:22

NP: Pulp – This is Hardcore

Woke up about an hour ago. There’s a beautiful sunset happening just outside my window. Melancholy rushing in. Not now, please…

Had some really weird dreams… Something about a new-years-eve and unexpected guests in an absent friend’s apartment. Can’t imagine this ever happening… So maybe it was an alternate/parallel reality that was portrayed. Gotta sort out my mail in a bit, respond where necessary and then maybe read a bit. I don’t know.

Images in closed eyes

Gone or contingent

heads full of truth

hearts full of lies

After all the hurt

it’s so shallow

courtesy and grace

might not be enough

to even just save face

We dance and dance away these silent nights

Hide under our smiles

Pretend there’s nothing wrong

We’re all beautiful

And strong

We just have to find eachother

Sunday 28 Oktober 2001 8:13

NP: Pulp – TV Movie

Slept all day saturday… Well whaddaya want when you don’t turn in before 10 am? 🙂 When I woke up it was nearly time for me to go to Wageningen for the poetryperformance… Mikey picked up Zieg and his girl, while I hurried to get my shit together, take a shower and brush my teeth. Tying my bootlaces when the red machine turned into my street. Arrived about 20 mins. later at Q’s and H-F’s new house. It’s starting to look pretty cosy… I think it’s so cool how they manage to live together and get through life. Much better than some people i stare at in the mirror :/

H-F cooked us all dinner and then we walked on over to the library where we caught our first glimpse of the audience and my fellow poets. I was a bit shocked to see they were all… well, shall we say… eh… well… you know… I didn’t think they were gonna dig me much. When we stepped in the door, all heads turned and people were staring at us (at me in particular, since I was wearing a hat and sunglasses). It was uncanny.

I’d figured that there’d be just enough time to do 9 or 10 poems. When I went onstage, I was nervous. This was an audience that didn’t want me, it seemed and the feeling became increasingly mutual. I put my lips up close to the mike and started. Taken aback a little by the big bass my voice produced in the small library-hall, I mixed up my poems a bit, not even noticing the mistake i’d made: putting one poem twice on my list. Fortunately, I noticed there was something wrong with the list, although I couldn’t figure out what, so I just continued, skipping over the poem I felt was out of place. My voice booming the poems, 6 in english, one in dutch that I was planning to use for the finale (cuz I’m so familiar with that one, that i’m able to recite it, without the aid or support of paper). I had the distinct feeling the audience didn’t understand one iota of the english poems, or if they did, they didn’t show any sign of acknowledgement. “Oh well“, I thought and went on to the dutch one…

I had asked how much time there was left, cuz we all got a stunning 6 mins. to perform our art (and perfect our wisdom). That’s how I noticed that the presenter really wanted me off stage, because I was timing myself with my watch and the guy cheated me out of a minute. The dutch poem was a bit gloomy and I tried to stare them all in their eyes, but I hardly met an eye… They all looked away or turned their heads. They applauded me when I stepped off the stage… Perhaps they were so relieved to have that tension removed from their eyes and bellies. Maybe it’s just all in my head…

Before going onstage, I had told the gang, that I would walk straight out the door after doing my thing. But there was a change of plan when during the performance I noticed that a certain envelope had made it’s way out of my vest into my coat, that was still hanging on the chair. I had planned to do something with powder (cuz NL is starting to become a policestate where everyone is afraid of powder and you can go to jail because of a joke), but what I had in mind was a bit… Well… Drastic and crude! So I decided against that and tried to be a bit more subtle about it… Might have accomplished quite the opposite.

We left during the first intermission, which was shortly after my performance, before putting on my coat and walking out (which didn’t go unnoticed :), I left an envelope filled with white powder on my chair (it was filled to the brim and thus unmistakebly a joke) with the word MEEL written on it (pun only in dutch). This will probably have caused a bit of stir, when they found it. We walked back to Q’s place and hung around a bit, talking about the performance and the crowd. Then Mikey, zieg, his girl and me drove back to N-town. I was home before the performances in Wageningen were over.

I settled down a bit, relaxing, watched some tv and later on a movie. There was still time to get into the club, so I decided that was the thing to do. It was a strange nite. There were a lot of people tonite that were interested in talking to me. Might’ve not been equally polite to everyone. Oh well… I just felt like hangin’ in a corner and just watching. That’s what I did for most of the (rest of the) nite. I actually enjoyed myself. Weird shit though. When I got home, I watched an episode of the new Enterprise. Now I’m really tired. The clock’s been set back an hour, so I guess that means I get to sleep one hour extra… Off to beautiful dreams I hope…

Saturday 27 Oktober 2001 0:50

NP: The Orb – Blue Room

Tonite E was here for dinner, really enjoyed her company. Hope it was mutual. She left around 8 pm to catch a train. Watched two movies on tv. Not much else to do… (:

Got a call just now from G-man, he’s droppin’ by for a drink, perhaps we’ll head into town a bit later tonite. Tomorrow’s my “big” poetry-performance… I’m still wondering if I should do the powder-bit… Was hoping to get some legal advice on time, but they never called back. So… Procrastination is a wonderful thing

Friday 26 Oktober 2001 2:26

NP: Skinny Puppy – Hardset Head ([email protected])

Thursday I slept till late. Around midnite I went to G’s place where Guaka was chillin’… He decided that a nite on old N-town would be fun. So we talked and had phun, while havin’ a drink. Later on we journeyed to the club. Blonde girls in heat. Old music and one freaky Scarum (during a Pixies-song) 😀

We (Guaka and I) left before closing and returned to my place, where we proceeded to make some really weird noizez. I think i slept a grand total of ten minutes… Did very little today. Just relaxing. Stayed up way too late again. I’m so so tired…

Wednesday 24 Oktober 2001 6:48

NP: Lustmord – Murderwrecker

Had quite a productive day today… Got up rather early (by my standards), made some necessary calls, picked up my bike, went to the employment-office, bought a jacket (yeah, I know… Me buying clothing…wow!). Took me quite some time too, trying on different ones, looking at colours, shirts… Stuff like that. Felt a bit strange actually.

Had some calls to make concerning the new nite @ the club, which is gonna proof to be a bit more trying than I thought… But things are taking shape. Had two meetings in a row this evening. Afterwards some drinks with DJ4-i’s (who might become a national TV-celeb in a few weeks), E and her neighbour. I really like talking to her. Love that smile. Gawd… I’m so fucking tired now… Watched episodes 1, 2 and 3 of the new Star Trek Enterprise series. Dunno if I’m going to like these, but maybe I’ll get used to it. Scott Bakula is nothing like Patrick Stewart 🙂

Tuesday 23 Oktober 2001 5:15

NP: The Cure – Untitled

It’s cold in here

and get up

The time has come

Suppose it’s real

It is soft

The semen hardens

It seems almost

Wait…

Don’t say it yet

Just hold on

I have to get my things, the letters and…

Smooth, slow, slippery

Falling in foam

Leaving in velvet

Darkness obscures windows and mind

Like slipping out of a woman

It is time to sleep

Definitely

Monday 22 Oktober 2001 6:37

NP: T.A.G.C. – Chozzar over Abyss

Watched a film tonite. I think, although I have never read the story from the author’s much beloved claw, that the filmmakers indulged themselves a certain amount of liberty, where it concerns the happenings of this tragic tale. Whatever… It was okay to watch… I received word today, that I, the great poet of woe, am invited to come and sing my gloomy songs to a Wageningean audience next saturday. My time is limited to the duration of six minutes, six woefully melancholic, indulgently baroque minutes, I am sure. I will sweep ladies off their feet, bring gents to tears with prophetic and revealing truths whenst recounting the nature of man’s suffering. “Damn you all to hell!” perhaps will be my parting words, embarrassing the few, true friends that will accompany me to this symposium of dirge-singers. Perchance I’ll leave quietly, my head bowed in shame. We’ll see.

I wish I’d be able to see myself out the door, out of the house of the waking, but it’s again come to this. These days, how I will miss them once I’m old; a grey, dribbling old fool, too tired and stiff in limbs to wipe his own bottom. The freedom I bestow upon myself is enviable, and yet, as youth is wasted on the young, so is freedom on the free. Captives of their own minds… I pity that old man, still… Unable I feel to give him his due, I will plod on through the ages of my life and the years of my time, till I stand face to face with him one morning and beg his forgiveness, an apologetic smile adorning my face… My fondest wish, that he’ll redeem me, remembering how good it all was, is what will keep me going, softly melancholic, pain of past and future, yet merry…

ps: Worth a read (and a laugh)

Sunday 21 Oktober 2001 5:15

NP: Arvo Pärt – Cantus in Memory of Benjamin B

Bought either/or by Kierkegaard, went for dinner with zieg… Quiet nite at home. G dropped by, as did C. So tired now. Mosquito again.

Saturday 20 Oktober 2001 7:34

NP: Lustmord – The Place Where The Black Stars Hang

Goddamnit! I was minding my own business, dreaming about weird situations with guns and shit, when I woke up from some itching on my hands and arms. Somehow some vile little critter must have gotten into my room and stung me at least three times. I even caught a glimpse of it, before it flew off and is now hiding somewhere in my room… Waiting to suck more blood out of me.

Now I’m wide awake. After only 3 hours of sleep. Sure sucks ass. Gotta go to the bank today… But I can only do that between ten and two. Going back to sleep, apart from the little vampire, wouldn’t be such a good idea. Fuck… hmmm. Okay… If I find it, I’ll gladly offer up some karma to torture it… Burn it slowly, so my blood will boil inside of it… Howdya like it now, ya little bitch? Howdya like it?

Friday 19 Oktober 2001 8:39

Okay… Pfew, back online. It’s been one hell of a week. My HD crashed, burned and died on me, leaving me wondering: “Did I get everything off it? No important stuff lost?” Spreading the backup over two other discs, I felt safe enough, sure that I wouldn’t lose any of my data.

With an abit bp 6 not flashed (which I didn’t realize till it was too late), I couldn’t clean boot on a 40g HD. So I tried various things, bootdiscs and other os’s… But with a HD formatted to NTFS, there wasn’t much of a choice. Eventually I got the great advice (and the floppy) to flash my bios… Which worked, but somehow the thing crashed in mid-partitioning… So I lost all data on one of the discs… Some databases, some movies and some sophtz, but oh well…

Now finally after a nite of downloading, installing, rebooting, tweaking, the system is nearly back to normal… Well okay, I’ve added another 256MB so I’m running @ 512 now. So far for computers. Last tuesday during soccer I sprained my right ankle. Boy was I squealing… I should’ve gone to a doctor I guess, but somehow it seemed bullshit… Now, I’m not so sure… It’s still pretty swollen and hurts a bit. If it’s not gone after this weekend, I guess I’ll go… I hate doctors.

Nothing too exciting further… Mondaynite Richy and DJ4-I’s came over to discuss a festival… We ended up talking about an idea I have for a show. Pretty cool. Wednesdaynite me and pH went for drinks @ the club. Was it fun? Don’t know… Perhaps. Last nite I had S over for dinner, which was weird, taste-wise. I hope I didn’t bore her too much… Worked all nite on this damn machine… Eventually she was tired and went home.

Now it’s nearly 9 am. I’m wondering what I should do… Perhaps sleep a bit. I am tired… This was pretty hard work, but at least everything is working again. Now some music and snoozin’! Why not? 🙂

Monday 14 Oktober 2001 12:54

Well I can trash my HD… Last nite the thing wouldn’t even boot cuz it couldn’t find the HD… Shit… Gonna by me a new one today… What else can I do? Saturdaynite Dries came all the way from Limbabwe. We ended up at the club having a good time… Met up with a lot of people and eventually lay listening to Morrison rapping about military stations in the desert and how a bus can give you a hard-on with books in your lap

Sunday we enjoyed dinner with Linda and Zieg… We ate at a restaurant, outside. Great weather. Afterwards we all went back to my place and reminisced about the good/bad old days. All eventually left ‘xcept for Josh, who’d taken the drive to N-town so he could hang out. We talked a bit how life treats ya weird… And how you should at least enjoy that a bit… Then away he went.

I had a hard time falling asleep, drifted in and out of weird dreams. Read a bit, snoozed a bit, read some more, got up, had breakfast, read some more… It’s friggin’ hot right now… The sun is blasting away at me… I’m tired… It’s unusually hot for oktober. I have to go to the computer store now. Buy a new HD, an ink-cartridge and perhaps some memory. Then back home for a spot of cleaning. Some other stuff as well. Feel a bit uneasy. Oh well

Saturday 12 Oktober 2001 1:33

NP: Skinny Puppy – The Choke

Last nite I ended up going out… Quite unexpectedly, I was tired, but ’round 3 am I decided to go anyway. Met up with a few ppl… Tried to have a good nite… Laughs, drinks… It was okay, I guess… Well tonite, just plain bored… The broadcasts have already stopped and there’s just an annoying beeeeeeeeeep sound coming from the telly. Should switch the sucker off… Can’t believe it’s 3:31… I started writing this 2 hours ago… Guess I got distracted.

I’ve been thinking about freedom. It’s a bit hard to explain how I feel… But… It’s like I know I have this tremendous amount of freedom… But I don’t feel free in the least. There’s always my mind, coming up with all these conditions and tasks that seem to be standing in the way of freedom. I could do anything… But what should I do? What can I do? How can I bring myself to do what I would like to do? To be free, it’s essential to feel free… What could make me feel free? Hey, I think I know a song that… Whatever… Headache… I’ll try and sleep

Thursday 11 Oktober 2001 14:44

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Flood I

Wednesday never happened. Watched two movies, which actually were one and the same, just a bit different in setting perhaps. Both not too great.

Woke up about an hour ago… There’s dishes to do, i have to clean, people to call… Well, at least I’ll get a few hours of daylight… Trying not to feel depressed. It’s tough though. My HD is dying. Shit.

Wednesday 10 Oktober 2001 2:06

US-government enforce information stop to press and congress

US kill UN-employed afghans

Soccer was okay… But we’re becoming rapidly underpeopled… Guess they just don’t care… Off to a meeting @ the club… Then a few drinks, nice conversation.

It’s a beautiful nite… There was a star or a planet just beneath moon. Walked with E, laughed and talked some more… Such charming company, that girl is…

Tuesday 9 Oktober 2001 4:21

Coughing again. Does this cold never go? Famous last words I guess.

Dries left sundayafternoon, about an hour after Zieg arrived. Zieg and me had dinner at De Plak, which was very good… As always. Afterwards we went to my place, where I signed up with the monsterboard, to see if that’ll get me some results, jobwise. When I had done my duty and sold my soul, we watched a movie.

Zieg went home and I was left to my own devices… Saw an awesome documentary on Michel Montaigne, a very interesting philosopher. Later on I watched how the war started and decided the best thing to do was to ignore it altogether… So I watched another movie. Completely tired, in need of some soothing music, I put on some tones of relaxation and turned in… Only to be annoyed and wide awake minutes later after experiencing systemfailure…

So I decided to go “oldfashioned” and popped in an MD, while I tried to ignore the fucked up noises coming from my harddrive as it was being chkdsk /F/R/V’ed. I’m amazed my win2k still runs… Hopefully the drive won’t crumble… It’s my system-drive 🙁

Woke up this morning, thankfully a bit earlier -trying to break this bio-rhythm is a bitch-, did some stuff I had to do… Had some phoneconversations and went to the grocer’s for some dinner. M showed up to do some work for our new nite @ the club. Spent the rest of the evening talking, she left ’round 1am, I think.

Printed out my latest piece of prose (cuz I was all out of copies), but the motherfucking cartridge was empty with only three pages left to go. So I gave up. Watched a bit of war-coverage No CNN evil tonite, ma’am, no thanx, an episode of the X-files about a guy that is accused of a murder, but he slips back in time, eventually preventing the murder, but still ending up in jail. Somehow seems familiar.

Tomorrow… There’s stuff to be done, tomorrow. So I’ll go to sleep. Hope my system keeps running… I want some music… Shit it’s 5 am again.

Monday 8 Oktober 2001 0:47

WAR

WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Sunday 7 Oktober 2001 7:36

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – No Time to Cry

Alright… Fridaynite pH came over. We drank some wine and went for drinks at the club. We tried to take it easy… Saw H. Went home, slept pretty long

Woke up this afternoon. Made an obligatory trip to the grocer’s. Watched television, cooked, talked to A. Then Dries showed up, later on Zieg, Mikey, G and C. We had fun drinking, talking, listening and singin’ along to tunes of old… After the last bottle had dried out, we headed out into town, paid a visit to oznog, which was crowded and pretty boring… Back at the club, we kept drinking and dancing… E was there. Couldn’t keep my eyes off her, i’m afraid. She’s got me, I think.

Dries started hitting on the ladies… Nearly got lucky I guess. But not quite. After it was over, some broad coaxed us into going with her in search of more booze… But she was quite horrendous, Dries was quite drunk and I felt like I was caught in the middle… Eventually we managed to get home.

Dries is knock-out on the mattress… I’m still sittin’ here in the pale sundaymorninglight… Contemplating last night… Trying to forget (or remember) faces… As a last drunk is strolling home, see-sawing over the streets… I’m tired, but not tired enough… Not the kind of tired that makes you yawn and go to bed… It’s a more deep-rooted fatigue. What’s next. How much can I take… How much longer before I finally do fall asleep?

Friday 5 Oktober 2001 20:40

Slept… Slept so goddamn long it was dark again when I woke… Had weird dreams, all good and bad mixed in one… Past and future converging in non-linear dream time. Now it’s dark again and I’m waiting for clues as to what’s next. Nobody’s called yet… I was hopin’ there’d be someone with a great idea about something to do tonite…

If not… I’m gonna drink me a bottle of St. Emilion and head out to town… I’ll see… Whatever.

Friday 5 Oktober 2001 2:33

Can you fly me, she said

Eyes fluttering like small birds

As she gently raised her head

“Are there ways for us to be

Is there something else to see

If we get high enough?”

I had to confess my ignorance

With leaden heart and apologetic smile

“I couldn’t fly a mile”

But perhaps, I thought, this is not important anymore

Let time pass, let leaves fall

May memory age and treat us kind

Let our eyes dwell ahead

And leave what’s left behind

So I took her up in arms

And carried her to forest’s edge

I told her to look yonder

Beyond horizon’s stretch

Now fondly I remember

-perhaps it is only a wish-

That in that magic moment

Between trees and pasture and sky

At last, she understood, now

And right then and there, so did I

Tired now, didn’t sleep. Churning churning like milk into butter my brains in a clutter

Wednesday 3 Oktober 2001 22:05

Oh boy…. I just heard that there will be no more internet… The future of the server and all the websites is looking very gloomy… I guess this will be the end. I don’t know for how long we will be online. If this suddenly isn’t here anymore… You’ll know what happened.

Tuesday after soccer, a meeting… No shower, no food. Afterwards a few drinks, walked E home. I like her.

Don’t know what to say… I feel angry, betrayed… But I guess I could’ve seen this one coming from miles away. Thanx alot. Whatever…

Monday 1 Oktober 2001 14:53

NP: Tricky – You don’t

Damn… I thought that with the departure of thc-particles, i would be free of panic, anxiety and the sort, but it seems that you don’t really need dope for that particular state of mind. Sure takes it a lot out of me, to be thinking of the future…

I hope my comp isn’t dying on me… Sometimes when I am multitasking… My second drive makes 2 weird noises, the power goes off and I experience reboot… Very annoying and unnerving. Anyone got any ideas about this? Contact me!

Read all day sunday, very cool book about a living legend. Fell asleep somewhere during the day… Only to wake up around 7 pm… Watched some tv and later on a movie.

My sleep was rampant with dreams. Can’t recall any of it in detail, but it sure was a scary ride… Guess the dealings of the waking mind are twisted, then reflected in dreams.

Sunday 30 September 2001 7:09

NP: Christophe Charles – Undirections/Continuum

Picked up Richy-boy in front of the club, still going strong after drinking all day 😉 After dinner Mikey arrived and ’round midnite, we were headed for the club. The gothic/ebm thing was very very fucking boring, with all these people sitting around, happy fashion-statement-victims… I went home. Bah!

Read all nite, fell asleep this morning around 12 am. Slept all day… It was dark when I woke. Had a bite to eat, toyed around with my comp, which seems to be having strange power-down system crashes. Took a shower and went to a b-dayparty. I was glad to see Guaka there among the small group. Zieg and Mikey were there, so I ended up talking to Mikey… Which was fine by me, ‘cuz I seemed to have a hard time communicating with others.

Today is sunday. It sucks, have to get some sleep before I do this day. Next week reality’s gonna be kicking in… Can’t hardly wait…………….

Saturday 29 September 2001 8:16

NP: Mouse on Mars – 1001

yeah… Pretty good, pretty neat… Groovy man, groovy…

Friday 28 September 2001 18:31

M was here pretty early yesterday… It was really good to see her again. We talked for a couple of hours, then I hit the train headed south. Saw one of the conductors freak out, gettin’ all racist and shit. So I called him to order… The motherfucker started threatening me! I warned him I’d get him in trouble for this, so he moved along. Asshole!

Got to my dad’s office, took care of business and went home to meet my mom for dinner. Then back to N-town, but the goddamn trains were running late so I had to wait for an hour. Gonna try to get a refund.

In an hour Richy-boy will be here… Doing dinner was long overdue (: Afterwards we might go to the club, where there’s a gothic/ebm thing happening. Gotta go see about some groceries right now…

Thursday 27 September 2001 4:28

Soccer was hard, high scores all around… Tuesdaynite spent @ the club… First a meeting, then drinks with dj4I’s… Afterwards at home I watched Clerks. Funny movie.

Today I went for a long walk with D. Refreshing to be out and about. I cleaned a bit, did the dishes, then S came ’round… We cooked, had dinner, talked all nite about the world and what it’s coming to. She left around midnite.

Paranoid dealings with pH about firewalls… Man, S.U.B.C.O.D.E., that email had me going, so i reconfigged my whole firewall, to make sure nothing that isn’t checked by me first goes past.

Finished watching an online documentary about the origins of humanity. Pretty cool. Tomorrow gotta go to Limbabwe… Don’t feel like it, but hey… It’s for a good cause (;

Tuesday 25 September 2001 16:58

NP: The Cure – Fear of Ghosts

Yesterday I woke around three… Got up, made some phonecalls, watched some mindbogglingy boring tv, a trip to the grocer’s, dinner, online conversation with pH led to a meeting of sorts @ O. There we bumped into Helicon with whom we spent the rest of the night laughing and drinking.

Some outdoors conversation afterhours before heading back home, where I learned a bit about building bridges and read about the “yes or no” concerning the existence of Atlantis.

I woke up too late. My rythm is gone again. I have soccer in an hour. Gonna pour some liquids down my throat first now. It’s getting colder.

Monday 24 September 2001 1:57

21 hours later and I haven’t slept yet. This morning Josh came to pick me up, which sucked ass, cuz I couldn’t sleep at all last nite. So I tried my best to be as chipper as possible, just to keep up the troops’ moral. Zieg also went along for the horrifying task ahead… Moving Josh and his girl to their new apartment.

We started around 11 am and were finished around 8 pm. By that time, I couldn’t see straight, walk straight or think straight. Finally 21.14 Zieg and me caught a train home. We talked on the train about my new story, that’s developing in my head, which was really helpfull to me, because he thought up questions I hadn’t answered yet about where I wanted to take my characters and forge a credible storyline.

We met up with Zieg’s girl at the railwaystation where we talked some more, but soon we were all getting really cold and tired, so we decided to part ways. I don’t know why I didn’t crawl into bed immediately… I mean… I’ve been awake now for about 35 hours. I AM pretty fucking tired. But I watched Denis Learyrave for a bit. Then a quick update of the log before choosing “Eine kleine Nachtmusik” to gently coax me into a refreshing, nurturing sleep… Gotta try and stay awake long enough to hit the bed *yawn*

Sunday 23 September 2001 5:02

24 hours later. Slept alot. Tonite Zieg dropped by… Watched an extremely boring movie. Had a few laughs about it. Later on I watched a better movie after he left. Now just about ready for bed, Josh will be here in a few hours to pick me up. Gotta help the guy get his house in order.

Centuries cut in small pieces

We all get our fair share

You get your piece today

But I wonder if all’s at peace in you

Guess that don’t matter to me

Guess that won’t matter to you

But it’s hard to know whether that’s true

What ever may come to pass

In the strange times ahead

There’s nothing but good in my wishes

May many more pieces befall you.

Happy Birthday, Beautiful

Saturday 22 September 2001 5:08

Slept a few hours thursday afternoon, cooked and had dinner with mom, then off to the club for a meeting. Very productive. After a short stop home, I went into town for a few drinks with some of the people i work with in the club. Stimulating conversation (:

Me and E decided to go back to the club for yet another drink… We spent the nite talking to eachother, which to me, was very very cool. Interesting girl.

Got to bed around 6:30, mom left 1.5 hours later. Woke up a few times before finally falling asleep.

Around 17:30 I opened my eyes again. Had a bit of a headache… Watched tv, had a nice conversation with A… A spot of dinner and finally working on digitizing the rest of the IndusTree-recordings from the 05-07-2001 performance. I haven’t put it online yet, cuz there’s no space, it’s over 200 MB in VBR-MP3 🙂

I might watch another movie… dunno yet… don’t feel too sleepy… Taking it easy this weekend. ‘Xcept for sunday… Helping Josh and H-F move house. Thirsty now…

Friday 21 September 2001 22:53

Seems I’ve been had…. That’s not the flightnumber of either of the wtc flights. So I guess someone’s playing a prank.

Friday 21 September 2001 21:33

Check this out: Q33 NY was the flightnumber of one of the planes that crashed into the WTC. Now watch what happens if you put this (Q33 NY) in font “wingdings”:

Q33 NY

Is that bizarre or what?

Thursday 20 September 2001 14:04

NP: OhGr – Kettle

Never went to bed, but I read Tim‘s book. Left quite an impact… All the gentleman psychedelics have left the planet. Who’s gonna speak up now? Who’s gonna keep us all from giving in and becoming so goddamn jaded? Osama bin Laden? There must be a better option…

Did the dishes… Which was long overdue… Went shopping… Mom’s dropping by later today… Using my place as a waystation for her destination tomorrow.

Gonna close my eyes for a couple of hours now… I’m really tired…

Thursday 20 September 2001 2:20

NP: Download – Affirmed

Fell asleep again… Slept all evening… Woke up, had a bite to eat, watch some news… Looks like the Americans are moving into the east… Our prime-minister on tv, peptalks… War is coming.

How incredible it might sound, I’m tired again… Been sleeping so incredibly much… Guess I’ll read a bit, until I doze off again.

Wednesday 19 September 2001 16:03

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Adrenochrome

Just woke up… Got no rythm left whatsoever… Watched a movie last nite. Okay, I guess, though I hate Affleck. Subject matter was somehow familiar, well remotely.

Let’s see what do I HAVE to do today? Hmmmm, the dishes I guess… Some laundry… It’s raining again, it’s cold… Goddamn depressing this is. Should call the employment office as well, but i’m scared of what they’re gonna say… “Sorry, there’s no job for you… Well, you could work in the meat-factory“. Have to get some bread… I’m all out.

Can’t be long now feel it coming feel it rising in my head All these things I used to see they’re still there and probably will be ’till i’m dead If there’s something to be done it’s this.

Wednesday 19 September 2001 1:43

Been reading alot… I’m really getting into Tim Leary and other writers… With a world history atlas and philosophy atlas on the side, I lie there reading… Enjoying myself. Too bad this is gonna end again soon. All work and no play makes Scarum fucked up little boy 8)

Today we got bashed playing soccer… We lost big time. I was planning on going out tonite, but I decided to stay in after all. Gonna be reading a bit now and then off to sleep again. I’m sleeping quite a lot these past few days, but I think it’s the right thing to do, still not running @ 100% efficiency. In other words… Still sick…

Monday 17 September 2001 23:53

Speedy J never showed… Instead the Acid Junkies were screeching sounzzz… Unfortunately they only played for about an hour, so I was a bit disappointed… Mikey, Josh, Dave and Suze and Zieg were there as well… All except Zieg stayed the nite.

Sunday i did close to nothing. Watched AntiTrust… Cool mICROs0pht-spoof 🙂 The BBC had a Star Trek-nite… So I guess I just sat there glotzing… Read a bit and slept very long…

Today I couldn’t bring myself to do anything… I’m still so sick. Feel lousy… Feel shitty… Gonna go to bed soon and read a bit. bah

Saturday 15 September 2001 16:17

Remote-Update

Thursday I stayed at home… Didn’t do too much. Watched a pretty cool movie. Then dozed off.

Yesterday I came down to the south with M&D… Had business at my dad’s, after that I went to see my mom, to get her online. Obviously it worked 🙂

In an hour I’ll be driving back again to N-town, with M&D… Then we’ll gather at my place (Josh, Dave & his Girl, Mikey, Zieg perhaps) before going to see Speedy J tonite.

Hmmmm… Weird shit this… Things seem to be changing again… Perhaps it’s universal karma… ? I dunno.

Thursday 13 September 2001 19:38

Got a negative response to the job-interview. They thought I was overqualified for the job, so they figured I would get too bored too quickly. That was a big blow, I really expected to get the job. So today i’ve been searching the net for jobs and dropped by an employment-office, sure hope they can help me…

Very ill at the moment, headaches, coughing, sore throat, sniffles… I’m questioning many of my decisions at the moment. Don’t know if I made the right decisions.

Gonna try to have a quiet evening. Tomorrow morning i’m gonna go down south, kill some virii and install a modem. Hopefully I’ll be back on time saturday for Speedy J. Have to try to fight off depression. It just converges in time it seems, all this shit.

Wednesday 12 September 2001 20:36

I have a regular visitor from the university in Giessen, Germany. I would really like to know who that is… Perhaps you can contact me?

Had my job-interview today. I thought it went okay, but i’m still waiting for confirmation. Haven’t heard anything yet.

Yesterday might have been the first day of WW III, amazing images. Shit has hit the fan. I saw much of the events unfold live. Glued to CNN.

Had a meeting last nite @ the club. Afterwards a few drinks. E is cute 🙂

Woke up this morning, still a bit giddy… The busdriver drove like a madman, making me feel nauseous. Went through the introductions and the interview and returned home.

Fell asleep and slept for a few hours… Then Guaka showed up, just for a minute -good to see him- and drove off to the west. I’ll do some dishes, just enough so i can cook and then I’m gonna go to sleep again. I feel ill.

Tuesday 11 September 2001 16:29

USA under siege

Monday 10 September 2001 21:44

NP: Radiohead – Life in a Glass House

She is papering the window panes

Putting on a smile…

Scraping shit off the walls

It’s not a problem, sir

And those walls have ears again

I’ve lost the sounds in the patterns

They took away all the juice

Well of course I’d like to stay and chew the fat

The small bottles make the worst noise

Stale wine dorment in glass

slumping in a chair

Joke about the bear

Bearsuits and dark woods

Drinking from puddles

Never being able to talk to the walls

Forget about it

No more not now not ever are you listening what what was that are you listening no more not now not ever it’s over

That’s okay

I never even tried

hard enough

to say

I can tone the dishes

Do the muscles

Go in or stay out

Not that any of it would matter

I can write

I can wait

Would be better

Walk my fingers through the streets of mind

Solely realizing that nothing changes

Even when rains come down

repetitive strain on tongue

This is not oral pleasure

He sighed

Rise above young Jedi, rise now

Monday 10 September 2001 2:57

Very tired now… Stayed in all day, did a work-out. Watched me a movie (boring as fuck), but oh well… Gonna go to bed again now, i guess. Not much at all today, not much at all. That cold hasn’t won yet… Still balancing on the edge of illness.

Sunday 9 September 2001 7:31

NP: The Cure – The Holy Hour

Saturdayevening M&D visited, we had very interesting conversation, watched The Doom Generation… Very fucking cool.

After they went home, I went to the club, where I eventually hooked up with H. Had a lot of fun, but I still have a hard time figuring her out. Sometimes I wish we could get a bit closer. Sometimes I don’t care. Oh well. Tired now. Sleep.

Saturday 8 September 2001 6:56

When reading these old letters,

I am reminded of the sweet pain,

the despair and the beauty of that time.

How I’ve missed you, all these years.

Still…

When I feel the old hurt rising up just a little in my chest,

I know it’s for the best, that things played out the way they did.

Somehow much of the circumstances were against us…

We couldn’t cope, because we were too young, too unexperienced.

I do remember what it felt like though…

To have you in my life.

What you meant to me.

Too bad the world is not a place of wonder and fairy-tales…

If it were… Who knows.

I hope you’re doing ok, out there, somewhere.

I hope you’re happy…

Enjoy the autumn…

Perhaps think of me sometime.

I still kinda miss you.

Thursdaynite A came over and we watched a crappy movie. Talked for hours. Felt powerless in a way. Can’t help. Felt a bit sad too. Guess it’s just me.

Slept all through friday. Stayed in until 4 am, then had a drink at the club. Saw a few cool tricks. Now I want to read a bit… Dive into some of my old stories. Perhaps get some creative juices flowing, revive those old ideas. They seemed to be good… Don’t know how or why, but they’re still stuck in my mind, after all these years. So that’s what i’ll do with my saturday morning… Until sleep catches me…

Thursday 6 September 2001 17:13

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Emma

Cleaned my house yesterday. S visited… We cooked, drank, talked and laughed… We started on a movie, but soon she fell asleep. The movie was pretty good though. After it was over, I woke her up and gave her my bike, so she’d be home quicker.

Somehow i ended up at the club, which turned out okay. I had some fun, a few drinks and a shimmy on the floor.

Woke up around 3 pm from really pleasant dreams… Had a few phoneconversations and went with S, who’d brought back my bike, into town to get some shopping done… My money is running out. I really hope this job is gonna work out… Or i’ll be in a tight spot. Let’s try to remain optimistic 😉

Gonna do me a quiet evening tonite just watchin’ movies. Just trying to enjoy the gentle autumn-weather right now. Some sunshine… hmmmm good…

Wednesday 5 September 2001 4:01

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Gimme Shelter

My game was great today… Scored quite a few goals… Of course I couldn’t have done it without some great setups… But damn, some of those goals sure felt great to make.

Watched a movie tonite. Gonna go sleep now… Tomorrow S is coming for dinner. Haven’t seen her in a long time. She’s moving west as well next month… Boy life sure is changing… What’s next? What’s the score?

Got a new idea for a show… Want to see if i’ll be able to work it out… Perhaps do a show in a few months time… Playing with ideas… Dunno… Cuts and bruises. Shit…

Tuesday 4 September 2001 17:10

NP: IndusTree – Buzzz (live)

Last nite I had guests over for a little party. It was fun! Later we went to O for some live jazz. Very nice.

Unfortunately I let myself be provoked into something I didn’t want to do… But it happened anyway. I’ll have to face the consequences I guess… Things ended on a down note.

This afternoon I went for juice and sandwiches with Dries. We walked and talked. Pleasant. He’s off again. Soccer in a bit. Afterwards… Shower, dinner, a spot of cleaning, then some reading. Gonna take it easy. I’m still tired. Thanx to everyone who sent me mail and stuff!

Monday 3 September 2001 4:08

There shall nothing be to harm thee

And always keep thee save

May winds and rain

Flat and comfortable

Thy endless path pave

With each step a little further

Not even thinking of the goal

The battle is with self

This journey is the whole

The answers lie in wait

For those who dare to seek

So open senses wide and clear

Modesty is for the meek

Yet often with these travellers

They despair in weariness

They look for comfort in the hay

And wait for death’s cruel kiss

These hills don’t harbour vultures

These woods know no wolves

The rain is warm and gentle

No need for coats and wools

The traveller’s story too long

To tell in just one night

So come and close thine eyes now

Try and sleep so tight

Tomorrow there’ll be miles

And miles longer to walk

I’ll guard you while you sleep

I’ll guard you like a hawk

But what if I’m a liar?

What if I’m not for real?

Would you have done well

To let me lull you and steal

Your life away from you

Would it matter much?

If I’d made sure you slept?

You’d believe you’d still be walking

In steady, trusty step…

Sunday 2 September 2001 10:55

NP: Lustmord – The Place where The Black Stars hang

In case anyone is wondering… I’m still here. Last weekend a friend of mine died.

We’re clearing out the lab for final inspection on monday. It’s been really hard work getting all that stuff out of there to their respective destinations (unfortunately we had to throw lots away 🙁

So I guess that era is over as well… Guaka is leaving for the west. Sad to see him go, but i know he will be kicking it over there 🙂 Hope we get a chance to jam sometime.

Went to P’s party tonite, he’s leaving to become a real businessman! I’m really glad he threw a party… It was pretty cool. I hooked up with H before going down to the beach, with a bottle of wine, some hofmann and good spirits. pH, 9 and K2 showed a little later. Just when hofmann was going down, pH decided to come along. It was a strange, funny, happy evening, with lots of firewood-breaking-in-well-co-ordinated groups 🙂 and interesting talk.

When the morning came we went home. But now I sit here buzzing a bit… Can’t get to sleep, so I thought i’d update this thing… Hey… It’s my website so why not? 😉

Don’t want to talk about the more serious stuff right now. I will write more when i feel like it. I don’t feel too bad. Although… Tomorrow is my birthday… There, I’ve said it… Now the world (ahum) knows… 🙂 I’m turning 25. Guess I’ll stop now before I unveil more disturbing information *grin*

Wednesday 29 August 2001 14:59

Tuesday 28 August 2001 4:23

Ishi and Nekki called me sunday, saying they were going to the second location in the west. I thought that was a kick-ass idea and told them i’d come along. Very cool… Great atmosphere, good music, many people. A big storm finally broke the weather. We cowered in a car for about half an hour. We drove back around 3.45am, I fell asleep about 7am

Had to return the cam today, having done that, i went to the club to help solve a crisis. Stayed all day to prepare for mondaynite’s cultural event. Josh dropped by for a second… We did the show… A girl fell into a striplight, fortunately nothing happened, but i guess somehow it broke the ice as well as the light. Left around 1 am. Very tired now… Oh yeah… wait… Here it is:

Saturday 25 August 2001 22:57

Friday woke up late, felt fucked up. Zieg came by late… We filmed some more in the streets then went for drinks to the club… Stayed pretty long…

Today… Wow… In-fucking-credible… First pH gets car trouble… then, after quite some time, we’re ready to move… We get the news that the authorities have cracked down on Teknival, shutting it down with brute force. An alternate location wasn’t found before 22pm, too late for my taste (and too far away). pH decided to go anyway.

I’ll go find Mikey and the others now, get a drink in town… Would rather be roaming the forests with a head full of hofmann, but alas…

Friday 24 August 2001 4:23

NP: Autechre – Calbruc

Let’s see… I went to my mom’s last nite to get my tent for Teknival. Spent the evening talking to my mom. Got up quite early today to get back to N-town. Had to pick up a cam to do the street-interviews. After i’d done that i headed for the lab, to do a bit of clearing out. (Wtf is Guaka up to? 🙂

We filled up his car, pH and me drove it all across town emptying it in various places. Dropped off some monitors, lots of wood and some usefull stuff. After a short stop for a drink and to get some tape for the cam, i hurried back home to meet Ilie, who’d do the interviews while i’d film.

Unfortunately he wasn’t up to the task today, so i had to go on alone. I met Bunt and two of his protègés, who offered to help out. We had some fun filming in the busy streets… Afterwards the four of us had dinner @ Donatello’s, which took a bit longer than I hoped…

After dinner, I kind of lost Bunt and the two girls… So I went home. Spent the remainder of the nite behind my screen, downloading some interesting material. Just about ready for bed now…

Tomorrow I have to film some more, edit the footage, so I’ll be ready for monday. Also I have to get prepared for saturday and sunday, do some shopping, get some batteries, fill the waterbottles… Taking it easy, so i’ll be assured of a good mood saturday! I’ll read a bit now and hopefully fall asleep soon…

Thursday 23 August 2001 22:00

D w a y n e   R.   G o e t t e l

F e b r u a r y  1 s t,  1 9 6 4  –  A u g u s t  2 3 r d,  1 9 9 5

Rest  In  Peace

Wednesday 22 August 2001 12:24

NP: The Cure – Grinding Halt

Watched Memento last nite, before i went to the club… Totally bored… Stayed too long, came home, watched the old Planet of the Apes, with Heston.

Reading up on some psychedelic info… Trying to recollect some of the essentials for a journey, corresponding with some people… Thinking of weekend-adventures into technidreams

Tuesday 21 August 2001 20:26

NP: Creedence Clearwater Revival – Susy Q

Played soccer tonite… Second time in two weeks i’ve sprained my groin… My whole upperleg feels like dead meat. Don’t know what i’m doing wrong… Always do a good warming up, don’t overdo it… Well, don’t know…

Perhaps I’ll be going to Teknival… Never been there… So perhaps… why not…? It’s not like there’s anything else to do…

Quite a summer this summer… Many realizations… Not too pleasant, but important and perhaps necessary. Here comes the future…

Tuesday 21 August 2001 5:32

Club was pretty crowded… After three drinks I had quite enough… G, M, C, R, and some other people were there… J was there too… Still can’t get over how pretty she is, that whole aura she’s got. Amazes me everytime I see her. Although there are some other girls here in town that… Ok… 🙂 Whatever…

Tomorrow soccer… I’m really looking forward to that. Wanna run like mad and do some tricks and put that ball where it belongs 😀

Don’t feel like sleeping just yet… Maybe I’ll watch a movie… Goddamn mosquito hovering about here somewhere….’s gonna get me, that’s for sure…

Tuesday 21 August 2001 3:14

NP: Janis Joplin – Me and Bobby McGee

We had 3 hours of down time today… grrrrr! !!skcus CPU

Didn’t do too much today… Just some obligatory phonecalls. A spot of shopping (forgot my wallet, had to go get it >8/). 

Ishi and Nekki dropped by tonite… Very nice conversations about computers, relationships, braincandy, movies. They left around 1:30 am.

Wrote some emails, fixed some servertrouble. Now thinking about going for a drink @ the club… Just to see what’s going down 🙂

Monday 20 August 2001 15:08

NP: The Cure – The Holy Hour

Sunday past really slow. I just stayed indoors, watched a bit of tv, read a bit, thought too much. I don’t feel so very well… Might be coming down with something. Damn, you stay off drugs, don’t drink too much and still you feel like shit. Watched a movie.

Got some loose ends to tie this week. If all goes “well”, i’ll have a job come september.

Damn starting to feel depressed again… Maybe that’s just because it’s monday…

Sunday 19 August 2001 15:50

Last nite A came over for a bit, we talked… Later Mikey, Zieg, SmAids and Josh arrived… We went to A-M and R’s party. Very moist, very warm. We didn’t stay too long… We went to a party in the Valley and Hill area. Very cool… A big farm, 2 area’s, techno and chill out. People were very laid-back.

Zieg, Mikey and me hitched a ride back with pH. Mikey and me talked a bit more, then crashed. Around 11 am Josh and SmAids showed up. Slept a bit, then got up ’round 12.

They came and took the washing machine…

Gonna take it easy for a bit… A trip to the shop, gonna make this a very slow day.

Saturday 18 August 2001 16:35

NP: The Cure – Charlotte Sometimes

people seem so close, so many other names

sometimes i’m dreaming, when all the other people dance

Stayed in last nite. Read a bit, wrote a bit. I’m in a weird mood today. Guess that’s to be expected though… It’s been quite a while now… Haven’t smoked anything in all this time. Can’t say it changed much… Or has it? Sometimes I can’t tell.

Tomorrow this guy comes to take the machine. Goddamn… How am I gonna get that fucker over here? Anybody got a car? I just realized i don’t have any good pictures of my old car… White and fast. Sounds like some synthetic drug…

Tonite party, with a few friends. Can someone take these doubts from my mind… Pass me a glass of confidence. Best not to drink too much tonite. (:

Saturday 18 August 2001 4:33

A small gift

Wodka(instead)

A night:

“Awaken!” It’s odd…

“Believe!”

“Do we, Satan Kid?”

“A snake did two”

Small babies

Scream “No! Mu! No!”

And I

Am nor Consume

“I am a mourning man”

An unsuccessful oracle

Friday 17 August 2001 20:50

Bike’s fixed again. Didn’t cost too much and they were friendly enough to fix it for me within 15 minutes. Don’t know what i’ll do tonite… Ishi-san might be dropping by tonite, as will Zieg, probably. Tomorrownite there’s a party (two actually, but one more interesting than the other), where I’ll be going with a bunch of friends…

Last nite there was somewhat of a philosophy-students convention at the club. Don’t know why, but somehow these people irritated me… Perhaps it’s me… Perhaps I have to acknowledge sometime that i really do have a problem dealing with some people. Well, I guess it’s impossible to be friendly with everybody…

Friday 17 August 2001 16:16

Last nite I went out for a bit… First Oznog, it wasn’t great. Met some ppl there, then to the club. Stayed too long…

Wrecked my bike yesterday, driving over some glass. That really pissed me off.

Looks like I won’t be getting that job… They’re not calling/mailing/anything… So i guess i’ll become Zieg’s colleague… Need a job anyways.

That quote… It’s been a long time…

Thursday 16 August 2001 20:08

NP: Bob Marley & The Wailers – No Sympathy

Okay… Been redecorating my room… Cheezzzzus, what a hell of a job, but it sure as hell is roomy now! 8-D

Still tiny stuff like clearing a gigantic pile of paper off of my desk and folding the laundry and doing the dishes and going to the store… Which I will do next… 🙂 Need drink, need food! Hard work and no play makes Scarum a freaky little boy! *grin*

Thursday 16 August 2001 13:44

NP: The Pixies – Chained

We moved some of my stuff from the lab back to my place, then back to the lab to load the car again so Guaka could venture east to fill his new *temporary* home. Sweating again from carrying all the stuff to and fro. Think I’m gonna relax for a moment on my balcony with a book and a bottle of chilled water 🙂

Had dreams about the past, in the future… Somehow… Too hard for me to understand dreams. Tried to understand what he said… I don’t know if I want to know.

No further obligations today. Except maybe for the obligation to myself to clean my house a bit… I feel pretty weak and sick at the moment. Hot weather just isn’t within operational limits, maybe just ought to check the manual… Damn where is that thing? Shit…*grin*

Thursday 16 August 2001 11:39

There was a short, violent storm last nite… Thankfully it cooled down a bit and there are still some clouds which make today a bit more bearable. I had a bit of sleep tonite, although not too much. At least no mosquitobites.

As of sunday we need a new washing machine… Which sucks… I know where to get one, but don’t know yet how to get it here… Perhaps, in a few months time, i might want to be thinking about buying me a small secondhand car… 🙂

Got to be going in a minute, just having me a little bit of breakfast. We’ll be moving some stuff out of the lab today… Yeah.. The end is near now. Guaka will be driving my stuff over here… Afterwards… Well, this place needs cleaning again… Hope it stays as cool as this all day! Then i could get some work done. Yummiiiiieee, cold orange juice!

Thursday 16 August 2001 0:13

The sky broke… But the heat is still unrelenting… Had a meeting @ the club… Took pretty long… Now watching a program about shamanism… Maybe a drink a bit later on…

Wednesday 15 August 2001 17:40

Heat descending on this town… Boy is it hot… Last nite we played soccer again indoors… Afterwards we met in the woods, Guaka, pH, DT, Mikey and me. Built us a cozy little fire and made weird music

Midnight Cowboy on LSD

My comp can’t take this heat… Keeps on sounding alarms… All the fucking time… Really annoying

Couldn’t really sleep tonite… I had weird nightmares, recurring… Woke up many times, confused, irritated… perhaps a bit scared…

Tuesday 14 August 2001 16:16

NP: Anne Clark – Our Darkness

Added some poems and a small story about a mean cactus. Gonna put on some Morrison now and hang the laundry, do some dishes… Damn this heat…

Tuesday 14 August 2001 13:05

NP: The Happy Mondays – Step On

Not a very smooth ride, this night… Damn… Some fucked up mosquito got it into it’s head to suck me dry… I woke up from the itching around 6am… Chased the bastard… Don’t think i got him… Fell asleep again, exhausted… Woke up a bit ago… It’s really really hot… So I’ll try to do whatever I have to do today in a very cool, chilled out manner. Which, up first, is a trip to the baker’s…

Tuesday 14 August 2001 2:37

NP: The Cure – Sinking

Sirens outsides… The night is getting warmer again… Last summerspasms perhaps. The night is really beautiful. No-one to share it with though… So I guess I’ll put on some melancholic music and try to fall asleep. But wait… First there’s something I’d like to say…

Suppose I’d wake up

One morning

And the sky’d be gray

Suppose I’d got up

That morning

And felt no more dismay

Suppose I’d look about me

To see a life

So free

Would then all change?

Would you be there to see?

That after all these years

I finally dared to leap

Or would you stir a bit

Far away

Turn over

And fall fast asleep?

Tuesday 14 August 2001 0:08

Sunday came and went… Watched a movie, but it was cut in half, so it left me in the lurch… Gonna have to get the second half as well. I stayed up way too late…

Today I fixed the soccerstuff, so tomorrow we’ll be going at it again… 

I’m caught in a bit of a dilemma… I’m not trying to hurt anyone… But it’s not like i’m doing this on purpose…

I’ll try and get some sleep… Get up a bit early tomorrow… Some stuff to do, some people to write, i guess…

Sunday 12 August 2001 19:15

H, G and Zieg all dropped by last nite. First to arrive was Zieg, whom I probably bored to tears by reading to him for two consecutive hours, out of this book about enneagrams, as well as some websites containing info about a particular line in my hand, called The Simian Line. So we (well actually he) had some fun combining this information with my astrological data and reaching the conclusion that although i’m probably very special, i’m totally fucked!

We went out for drinks, which was fun at first, but there’s a new rule, issued by the mayor’s office that says, to be able to have a drink after 4 am, you have to be in by 4 am. Even though some clubs are open till 6, you still have to be in by 4. So we all had to hurry to get to the club… Pretty lame to have to be hurrying while having fun on a saturdaynite…

Had some good conversation with a few different people… Some whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. Later on long talks with Ishi. I fell fast asleep around 10 am. Weird mediterranean dreams 🙂

Saturday 11 August 2001 19:54

Somebody from Gent is visiting this page quite a bit… I would like to know who that is… Please drop me a line?

Saturday 11 August 2001 16:19

Weirdest fucking dreams. Zieg showed up, we watched a movie. I ended up watching another, which isn’t even worth linking to. Read a little sci-fi to help me fall asleep. Paranoid dreams entertaining me all nite.

Give me dreamwars and a ticket to sleep

It’s too much, too often. I wanna change it all. But I can’t… Not right now. But I will… Somehow. It’s okay though. It’s okay. It doesn’t matter all that much, now does it. It’s only life. And life does end eventually. Isn’t that marvelous? A galactic second later, the sun swells to engulf the earth before imploding, everything is gone. Byebye Twinkywinky! Byebye Lala…

Friday 10 August 2001 17:12

NP: Hilt – Get Stuck

Eventually couldn’t bear it anymore and left.

Went to the club, to have a few drinks. Saw DJ4i’s… Had some interesting conversation with him, when we were standing outside, after hours.

When i got home, i kinda lost it again. Another twisted fork… When I woke up I had an enormous headache from banging my head against things and vice versa. So I tried to be real still and calm and eventually, thankfully I slept it off.

I’m okay now… Although age-old patterns are repeating itself… It’s kind of funny when you think about it…

Thursday 9 August 2001 15:24

NP: Portishead – Glory Box

Zieg was there and L, later on DTphonehome, Fluffy and a friend of theirs showed up. Much later Ishi and Nekki also dropped by and we had some interesting conversation. A short visit to the club afterwards… Some laughs.

Thought about this long and hard

Reached no conclusion whatsoever

I don’t know why she should

Tried to talk myself out of it

“Oh but that’s just bullshit, baby”

I know I have to try

Yet another night

Alone under transparent mountains and a clear, dark sky

Trying to kill this feeling

And so create another lie

Wish you could feel this

If only you knew

The last bits, the last mile

Before it’s all finally through

Tonite there seems to be a little get-together @ (the ruins of) the lab. Right now… I don’t think I’ll be there. But who knows how this day will change my thoughts… Anything can happen, right? Anything…

Wednesday 8 August 2001 19:22

Woke up and read a little… Got my bike back from the shop, seemed to be fixed and for once I was very pleased that they didn’t charge me that much at all.

I went for a ride, rode out of town… Into the woods. Sat down beside a pasture with some horses, wrote a bit… As the rain came crashing down, i sat beneath the trees, quite protected looking out over the pasture at the invading sky. Suddenly the clouds broke and a summersun shone over everything, while it was pouring… Enchanting. When it stopped for a moment, i made a run for it…

Don’t know yet if i’ll attend the jam tonite… Feel like being creative on my own…We’ll see.

Tuesday 7 August 2001 23:09

Looking for a new job can be pretty strenuous… Took care of the rent-issues. We played soccer in the pouring rain. Very amusing.

Thought of going out tonite, but i’ll stay in… Watch a bit of telly… Read a bit. Tomorrow nite there’s a jamsession @ the lab. Should be fun. Wanna do it again, really do.

Monday 6 August 2001 16:20

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – 1969

I am a bit confused… It’s raining at the moment. Didn’t do too much sunday. Today there was some stuff I finished. Tonite a visit to Guaka and afterwards a meeting @ the club. Then I guess I’ll go home again and read. I don’t know what’s worse… I gotta go… It’s raining…

Sunday 5 August 2001 18:25

Woke up a bit late… Thinking, while looking at the clouds race by. Wish i knew some answers. Guess that’s what makes life interesting…

Sunday 5 August 2001 7:41

NP: The Cure – The Holy Hour

Wish there was some way

To make this dream come true

To drown your darkness

In my blue

Can’t believe how this feels

Another reason to be afraid

To hold on to this

High price must be paid

Can you come to me?

Can you please take that step?

Or are we forever doomed

To circle around in my head?

Saturday 4 August 2001 12:12

NP: The Cure – Babble

Dinner was nice… Zieg showed up as well. We watched two movies. Afterwards I may have overstated my viewpoints somewhat…

Had a really nice dream tonite… I know where the images originate. Strong desire… Fear… Guilt… Dream’s poetry dealing with the past… Sometimes… We should live a dream

Friday 3 August 2001 13:02

NP: The Cure – Just like Heaven

The weather took a turn… It’s raining, the wind is blowing… The air is really nice and cool. Yesterday there was a party in honour of C’s and G-man’s b-day. Alot of people showed. It was fun… Took some strange photo’s… Maybe they’ll be posted up here someday… Although that’s not very likely (;

Tonite i’ll be at M&D’s house… Hangin’ out a bit, watchin’ some movies.

It’s amazing how fast you forget things. How unimportant notions of self and identity are, when taking into consideration the scope of one’s life. Why is it so hard to look forward? Why is it so easy to look backward?

Thursday 2 August 2001 3:51

NP: The Cure – Last Dance

It’s August… I guess autumn will be coming soon… So is my birthday.

All these things I have to deal with now. It’s just the music… don’t worry I guess I’m just nervous…

Gonna have to redefine myself again. Don’t know if i can… Hope to find something positive in there… The years creep by… Well at least I’ll be waking up, it’ll be getting colder soon.

Nothing but windowshopping today. Strange how i couldn’t get to sleep… Oh but you know… The things that keep you awake

So I read a bit. Tell ’em… Scared to turn a page

Tomorrow there’ll be a party @ nevez gnag…

Somehow it seems wrong… It doesn’t make sense. Never jump to conclusions

Bog, send a little wind, a tiny storm, to clear this sinner’s head. AMEN!

Tuesday 31 July 2001 23:45

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Lights

Watched a movie this afternoon. Then about 8 pm, I went out to play a little soccer. Very good game. Talked to mom halfway across the globe… In a little while I’ll hopefully have a new employer. We’ll see how it goes. I’m gonna read a bit and fall asleep dreaming myself into wonderland…

Tuesday 31 July 2001 15:27

NP: Bob Marley and The Wailers – Try me

“glup”

Tuesday 31 July 2001 12:16

NP: Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – Are you the one I’ve been waiting for?

Monday I woke up early… Hung around most of the day. In the evening Mikey came; we had long talks & 3 bottles of wine. I think we slept around 5 am… Today got up at 10… Got my bike back from the shop… Thinking of selling my second pc. Wish I had a little more courage, at least not be afraid to ask… But I guess I’ll just pop a realitypill…

Sunday 29 July 2001 18:05

NP: Download – Noh Mans Land

I’ve been reading Hesse’s Steppenwolf. As much as I hate to admit it, with each page I read, I feel my dread mounting… Somehow I can relate to this book. It describes in such vivid detail the feelings and thoughts that are so familiar to me… What strikes me, is that the character undergoing these emotions in this state of mind, is 50 years of age. I will be 25 in about a month time and I can relate! It’s scary to me. Also, when i read Narziss und Goldmund, I was in this predicament, tossing and turning, trying to make decisions about my future… Somehow the book reflected my struggle… I know how silly this sounds… Identifying with characters, seeing similarities between stories and your own life… But it’s uncanny… So now reading these books has a whole new dimension to it as well. Confronted with the confrontational potential of each new page, i also have to wonder about how much I myself am constructing these parallels. This is quite the juggling act. I am tempted to really dive into these books, but on the other hand, I feel I have to restrain myself for fear of losing a sense of reality, perhaps afraid already that afterwards I won’t be able to distinguish the real from imagination…

Sunday 29 July 2001 15:28

NP: Bob Marley – African Herbsman

Together with Josh, I went to SMaidS’ place, where Mikey, Zieg, Dafke and Chaim were gathered… It was an interesting night… J did his version of “cleaning windows” 😉

So fucking long ago

Why does it seem only yesterday?

But I knew this

I have always known

To reap my own crops

Is the only thing left to do

Slept on the floor… Drove back with Zieg and Mikey… High Spirits… It’s summer, no doubt. Catch that wave, that flight of seagulls… All over the world… All at once

Saturday 28 July 2001 14:56

NP: David Bowie – Space Oddity

What the fuck do you expect me to say?

You’ve always been the one that refused to play

Now i must deal with this

What do you expect?

The thing that gets me the most

You feeding on my soul

Like a parasite destroys its’ host

Still in me, I can’t refuse you feeling

But I can keep on breathing

There’s more distance now

Times twice removed each second

Never even got that close

Saturday 28 July 2001 6:32

NP: The Cure – Disintegration

Woke up just now… Really really long sleep. Thursdaynite there was no sleep. There were three movies. Although I didn’t really watch the last one, cuz it was corrupt, kept hanging up on itself. Friday I died around 3 pm. Woke up around 10 pm, had dinner, read a bit… A heavy electrical storm hung over our town, beautiful lightning. I lay on my bed just watching the flashes. Eventually I fell asleep

Friday 27 July 2001 12:14

This is what could’ve happened…

This is what really happened…

Friday 27 July 2001 1:44

Woke up late… Did some groceries… Iris came over, i cooked… we had some nice conversation. Afterwards we checked the open air cinema… Very funny film! Gonna watch me some movies… Stay in.

Thursday 26 July 2001 5:06

Dropped dead around 11 pm tuesdaynite. Was really really fucking tired. Got my whole room cleaned and re-arranged… I got up wednesday around 8 am, did some shit I had to do… then got some breakfast… watched a movie… Went back into town, to get some stuff I needed… CD-r’s… bought a book. Read a bit… Burnt a bit…

Went to help Guaka with moving his shit… Afterwards, we hung out at G’s place… Eventually G and me ended up at the club… (not before getting into some shit with two brothers). We had a long talk about some serious issues… Guess there ARE enough reasons why he’d think i’m not such a great guy…

So I did get drunk. I’m gonna go to sleep now soon… Should leave this girl alone… What am i gonna listen to this nite?

Tuesday 24 July 2001 16:44

NP: The Doors – Spanish Caravan

Turned my room upside-down, inside-out. The bed is where the couch used to be where the bed used to be and vice versa. I smell like a skunk… Need a shower bad… It’s so goddamn hot… I wanna go play soccer, but i’m afraid i’ll fall asleep on the ball. Maybe I should let tonite’s game slide.

Drum session, banging away

Poison pours out of me

At the end of the day

I haven’t enough left

To go out and play

It’s better this way… I’ll ride it out… Emotions are just that… Emotions. And We Shall Overcome… come over me mock me enslave me shoo go now…

Tuesday 24 July 2001 10:13

NP: U2 – Wake Up Dead Man

I watched two movies this nite… Then I decided that it was too much of a beautiful morning to be wasting… So I sat in my window, writing a bit… Then I scanned the picz from the IndusTree performance a while back. Find ’em here. Thank you J for documenting us! (and so much more… It’s fucking art!)

It’s getting warmer again… although, at this exact moment a little cool breeze is entering my room, caressing my skin. Marley is singing his redemption song… I’m reminded of different times. Mornings awakening with friends into sunlight. The smell of plants wet with dew, the smell of herb early morning… I miss all of that. But it goes on… I know. Something to make me feel good would be nice though… Now let’s not get all down and shit… Stay cool man

Tuesday 24 July 2001 1:34

Slept for ages… cleaned a bit… Aad dropped by… ADD next door. It’s getting warmer.

Monday 23 July 2001 7:23

NP: The Swans – Feel Happiness (live)

Watched two movies tonite. Could’ve done something else. Didn’t though… Set up the cam to watch the weather or something… passers-by?

Reciprocity (A second Chance)

I’ve been sitting here all day

Tormented

Watching passers-by

Point their eye

Naked

My inability

Lies in front of thee

Passed by

Please wipe your feet

So now we return to our tents and dreams… To wish for a journey, a chalice of sacred blood. Arid vistas lie in wait, dusted awaiting my lone footprint. De-mystification. Awake… Dorment serpent of the REAL, deliver us ALL! Take us on your back… To your empty, darkened hall. Never there shall enter a saviour in the guise of a moonbeam. Forgive us, we are but children who have forgotten how to play.

Sunday 22 July 2001 23:49

The phone woke me up this afternoon. Guess it was a deep sleep… It took me a while to have a coherent conversation. I think I succeeded. Had some trouble with my pc again. But i think that it’ll be ok. Haven’t done much today. Did some laundry, haven’t even been outside. pH is back. Fluffy is back. Looks like the weather might be changing again… They say it’s gonna be tropical. Gonna watch me a movie, me thinks.

Sunday 22 July 2001 6:57

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – A Rock and a hard Place

So here we go again. A whole year has passed. If you want to read about my life, (nearly) everything that has happened to me during last year, find it in the upper left corner of this frame, where it says Archive.

Why would I want to continue documenting my life? I don’t know. Becuz it feels like it isn’t real. Because this way, it seems something that hasn’t got anything to do with me… I know it’s not true, i’m not escaping any horrid realities, but still… If I read through the pages that constitute a testament to a whole year of my life, I feel pretty much depressed… Wouldn’t you? If this were your life? Lonely, sad, without a job, no education, no hopes, no dreams… Here we go!

The IndusTree-performance pictures are ready! Thank you very much, Josh! I’ll try and get them online a.s.a.p. I won’t be putting each and everyone online, because there are 72 or something. So i’ll make a selection and perhaps only the best pix will be online. Hopefully now it won’t be so long before you can come to one of our performances. I’ll keep everyone informed.

I didn’t sleep ’till 12 yesterday. I just couldn’t close my eyes. When i’d finally managed to do just that -I’d been sleeping for 4 hours- Guaka was banging on my door. We went to his place for brinner and pleasant talks… Mikey came over with a bottle of voddy, Zieg and G-man dropped by later. Around 1 am we decided to go out, but Zieg was too tired and Mikey also went home, so i hopped on the train and met up with G and Guaka @ the club. We left pretty soon ‘cuz there was no-one there, so we tried OznoG, which was kinda groovy… And of course the inevitable final drink back @ the club. I was so fucking tired… A bit depressed too. I’ll just go to bed now…

My system still isn’t healthy…

By the way… I got a letter from Poetry.com a while ago, stating that one of my poems had entered the semi-finals in a competition. I didn’t win, actually… But i got word that this poem will be published in a hard-cover anthology in the States… So I guess I finally got published… Then today came a letter saying that my work was also elected to be recorded together with work from 32 other poets on a 3-cd collection, which they will distribute internationally. I don’t get any money out of this. There’s just my name and my words.