2005 – 2006


Friday 21 July 2006 5:23

NP: Ladytron – Cease2Xist

High

21st of July

You know the thought is all wrong

but the feeling is right

Say

on the 19th of May

turn it on close the door

and then set to ignore

Hey, where did you come from? 

And why don’t you stay where you belong? 

Think, everyone that you kiss 

do they cease to exist when you stop being missed? 

You live 

in someone else’s song 

Have you been there too long or not long enough? 

Yes, what did you leave behind? 

Another weekend expires

with no definite signs

Hey, where did you come from? 

And why don’t you stay where you belong? 

Think, everyone that you kiss

do they cease to exist when you stop being missed? 

I’m so sick of myself.

Nothing too long.

I want a shower and some food.

I want some dreams.

Six years is a long time.

I have no conclusions.

No regrets.

I’m shutting this thing down.

Wednesday 19 July 2006 15:18

NP: Samantha Fox – Touch Me (I Want Your Body)

After four days of being offline due to a busted cable, I finally got online again today. It took me alot of brazen phoneconversations, some influence from the ancient 131.174.116.174 era and steadfastness to get it done as fast as I did… Temperature is up to 30 degrees inside. No problem. Whatever. Getting some work done. Tonite perhaps a quick return to the festivalgrounds, to see what is left of it. I guess there was a big carcrash just outside my building. I never saw it. Two more days. Wow, can’t believe that it’s actually been six years since I started this… : |

I saw a midi-ized polySix for around 375. I want it. Baaad… But alas, no funds. It sounds so kinky though… Too hot to be bothered. Good conversation last night. Strangest dreams every night. Not enough sleep. Jamming with the Sorry Asses last Saturday. Confrontational and fun. Some pix over in Grafix. Water.

Tuesday 18 July 2006 5:05 

offline update

NP: Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers – Last Dance With Mary Jane

I once again realised tonite what an ugly, convoluted mess of a guy I am, with a magnificent talent for wanting what I can’t have. I’m so fucking tired of being me. There are these rare occasions where I forget that I am me, but it usually doesn’t take long for me to remember who I am. What I am. It’s a bit of a pity. Maybe I secretly hoped that by the time I’d reach thirty, I’d be more or less normal. But my thirtieth birthday is two months away and there ain’t no signs of change. Such a nasty experience to have fun, forget yourself and then getting confronted by what I am. Seeing what others see… My muscles ache. I’m tired. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I just am so disgusted with me. Today the connection should get back up. I have four and a half hours to sleep. Then work. Some sleep. I don’t think I can do this again. I feel caged. I feel weighted down by my morality. I scream and bang my fists against the prison that is me. Yet I cannot escape. I am inside. In here. With all my precious lonely memories. Alone with my melancholic torturedevice… It’s getting even warmer. There is nothing wrong with our planet. Nothing at all. Israeli’s and Palestinians are getting ready for the final battle, Iran is ready to jump in, North Korea is ready for bear. The US and the UK are just itching to get going again themselves… There are earthquakes, seaquakes, freak weathersystems sprouting up all over the world… Nothing wrong at all. Have a Coke, have a smoke and shut the fuck up. Let’s all dance to the new tunes. Let’s all pretend like it’s the sixties all over, but with the drums and basses on speed. I really understand that guy that beat the shit out of himself, nearly two years ago. I’m so scared that I’ll live my worst fears. I’m so scared that they’re coming to pass, are developing right now. Causalities played out to end up in my lap. The waiting is the hardest part… Well yeah… It’s strange. I remember how I realised, when I was quite young, how difficult I had made it for myself. With these ideas that are sound, but contradict my feelings. Contradict my human nature. Reason versus instinct, emotions… I’ve been constantly sweating for over 24 hours now. I need to close my eyes. Not even dream. Please. I dream of temperature drops of 50 degrees, I dream of computergraphic acid trips. I dream of making love to someone I really love, but I can’t even see her face. I dream all these apocalyptic visions into existence. And if I could get them on celluloid, I’d be rich. But these movies only play on the projection screen that is the back of my skull. I ate strawberries. They were so fucking amazing. Tiny oceans on my brow and down my cheeks. I’m so lost.

Sunday 16 July 2006 13:33

offline update

Just woke up from a strange dream. I dreamt that the temperature had plummeted over 50 degrees celsius overnight. There were reports on television, people in a panick, you could see it in the skies, these huge, wide bands of clouds rolling in from the east. It didn’t happen in some far off future as far as I could tell, but today, or tomorrow. I also dreamt that this girl, who doesn’t like me slowly changed her mind. So I know it was all fiction. Quite impressive though, planetwide changes in the span of 24 hours put things in a different perspective, the illusion of safety falls away. 

Wednesday due west, Thursday too much frustration, eventually, Friday trying to sleep, Saturday playing with 2 of the three Sorry Asses and overhauling my house, lost my internet connection and started to have a go at the mess. The studio is now in my bedroom, my office now looks like… ehm… It looks strange. There’s some more cleaning up to be done. I need to eat some fruit. Some work, today. Maybe a quick trip to the festivalgrounds… Tomorrow is the drive down, dropping off the papers, arranging a talk, then up home again. It’s gonna be hot, this week. It isn’t gonna be long now. Just 5 more days. I feel so tired and so strange.

Thursday 13 July 2006 0:52

Sometimes in my mind, I can still hear you squeal… Sometimes in my mind I can still see that beach… Sometimes in my mind I go farther and see the hills bathing in moonlight. It’s the drive in the sun, it’s the flying syringes, it’s what I thought I saw today and decided to do… It’s these things that let me know my life has changed. It’s the tugging of melancholy and the practicality of life, it’s the hard-earned degrees of freedom and the weight of these things… It’s wishing things were different and wanting to give in to the pleas of eyes and heart and skin… It’s the inconsolability for that which isn’t, never was or never might be. It’s not seeing ways out, not knowing how to ameliorate this strange gift nor having the strength to enjoy anew… It’s reaching the end of the rope in a universe of superstrings woven together to create a membrane that has not enough coherence to bounce me when I let go. It’s the self pity, the guilt, the arrogance, the pain, the weakness… It’s the unfriendliness, the selfishness, the indifference. It’s inability to sever, inability to embrace, inability to choose, inability to relax… Past glory hangs like rain, in a fog, a past, a mirage… It’s jealousy, it’s longing, it’s ache, yearning, jonesing, craving, hunger, famine even… Sensuousness, fear of pain, pain through fear, nerve endings, moist epithelia, friction, frustration, misunderstanding, emotional turmoil… So much to process, to hang on to, to acquire, an uphill struggle on an ever inclining slippery plane… No way to win the battle, not even possible to finish the race… Always Achilles, never the turtle… Prez gorite, prez poliata, pod zvezdite, nad zhitata… I hope I will dream. Just a few hours in another realm, where I do not exist, where something or someone else is me, is my vision, my emotion, my will…

Sunday 9 July 2006 18:32

NP: Skinny Puppy – Spahn Dirge (live)

Very pissed off today. Been listening to Puppy and Ministry as a sort of aural Ritalin. It’s not doing me a whole hell of alot of good… Pissed off at myself, for having this mental make-up, for being the way I am, for wanting the things I want, for feeling the emotions that I do, very fucking pissed off at people and the world… It does no good and all it does accomplish is raising my temperature even further… But shit… I just can’t stop the feeling right now. I feel like punching the shit out of someone or something…. Guess it’ll be ok in a bit. Just can’t handle people right now. Human interaction really is difficult, but experience should make it easier. It doesn’t become easier though. Acceptance, being, calmly floating, blah blah blah… A big fucking AK in your ass… All is war, unilateralism is a universal trait, onesidedness on all sides. Krieg von allen gegen allen and nobody gives a flying fuck. We just complain about our own bullshit. As do I. I have this Kategorische Imperativ to be creative and it eats at me. I hear or see something by someone else and realize all my efforts are futile. So it goes for my thoughts and my secondhand words. My half remembered knowledge and my slowly, steadily declining delusional self-esteem. The sting in the struggle for freedom is that whether you fight for it or don’t you’re never free. It isn’t possible while enduring the body, suffering through self-consciousness… The only way to survive is to self-lobotimize, to give in, give up, fade out. And I sometimes wish fervently that that would happen to me. But it never does. It just won’t stop. It will never stop until my heart stops. Until my brain withers away… I remember being so lost in the chaos that there was no need to feign any true connection to the world. But as I weaken I need more of the world to hold on to and I cannot, dare not remain or perhaps truer, return to the chaos on my own…

I spun @ DP Thursday night. At first it was ok, but later on, I didn’t like it. Too many shitty requests. And that was pretty much all the contact I had with the people at the party. Some people I know dropped by and eventually the evening ended. Friday was the party. I didn’t like it at first, but as more people left I got into a better mood and stayed ’till the end. I had a strange feeling at the end of it all. Dropped into the grocer’s and went home. Saturday… Mèh. Sunday… More Mèh… With a growl. People should growl. I like to growl when I’m angry. It feels very natural. In a way I’m looking forward to the next week. Just to be out of this mood. Even if it’ll be more of the same shit people throw at you when you’re in this biz. I’ve been so riled up and sweating all day. Not very healthy. I wish I could relax a bit. I’m tired. It’s getting late again and there’s dishes to do. I fucking HATE dishes. I wish I had a larger area for the studio available. This sucks. All these ideas and thoughts… That I’ll never get out of my head. That’ll just fade. Entropy.

Wednesday 5 July 2006 21:32

NP: Nine Inch Nails – Something I Can Never Have

An early morning phonecall threw the best laid plans… Actually glad about that. Too fucking hot today. The meeting Monday went well. 7 people interested in the plan, perhaps more in due time. We’ll see how this turns out. It could be very good for all involved: stimulating, challenging… I created the forum today and modded the thing so we’ll be able to upload files, reports of meetings, new music and such. Decided on a name: (well, not collectively, but I really like it and I’ll use the name privately if it is shouted down) Future Gods. In fact, I just registered www.futuregods.nl. No matter if it doesn’t get used for this project. I’ll find some purpose for it… The grafix section is back up and running after a vulnerability forced me to take it offline. Did some nocturnal keyhammering. Really getting more and more into playing. Simultaneously pawing the poly61 and the CS5, trying to concentrate and squeeze out some words, preferably in a melodic way. Hard. I have to decide what to eat in a bit, then perhaps a quick shower and then off to town, to toast E.G. for graduating. The wind is picking up a bit, which might mean that we’ll be experiencing a little bit of cooler temperatures. There’s supposed to be an electric storm later on, but I’ll believe it when I see it. 21st of July is approaching fast. I’m having second thoughts, but I think that’s normal. It has to end though. It’s been enough. I don’t preclude any future incarnation of me writing something online, regularly… But no, 6 years is definitely enough of this. Besides if Future Gods takes off, I’ll have my hands full, running the business and doing that… Not that I’m saying it will, but who knows right? Tomorrow spinning. I’m curious how I’ll feel about it… Not much to do tomorrow, Friday the party, Saturday studio. I can feel it. I want to. Shit, I hope so. Next week will be busy again. That’s ok. This way I don’t feel so much. Disbelief, disenchantment, distance and right back where you’re at. Still, to allow, to act, to purport these things… Still very much conflicted. One cannot know what one does not know. My mind leaps forward, devours possibility and constructs worlds that have no foundation in reality. It is all speculation and even though I’ve become very adept at guessing worlds into being that closely resemble reality, I could and can be wrong. All the time. Everything. All of the time.

Monday 3 July 2006 16:42

Thursday evening I poured myself a glass of wine and watched the government go down. Nice one. Fridayevening I went out and ended up with some people at my place, which left the place ransacked. Saturday I slept, woke up, showered, shopping and off again. From melancholy to recklessness in one momentous leap. Had fun, or something close. I have to be careful. Enormously conflicted, reckless abandon versus previously owned identities… Anyway, afterparties, all eyes, a bit of guitar, nevermind. Home, dishes, tidying, washing, mopping floors, scrubbing carpets, holy fucking shit, what a goddamn mess… Funny how that also applies to my life. Kept going ’till about 7 pm, then I crashed hard. Really hard. Slept until 5 this morning. Mucked about until 7, wrote the presentation for the thing tonite. At about 8.30 I went out to the store, to get shit I need and definitely don’t need. More dishes (hadn’t finished it all yet), mopping another floor. Work. Busy. Good. Hopefully it’ll be a bit more sustained. Lunch. Work. Freak out. Work. Goddamn heat. This place is so much better. Now I have a few more things planned. A half an hour on the bike. Cooking. Shower. Dinner. Then the meeting. 7 people. They haven’t got a clue yet. Probably be too much for ’em. We’ll see. I don’t mind. I can try. I don’t like the way things turned out. That’s an understatement. There’s alot of missing going on. I feel alone. I’m somehow further away than ever. Practical. Empty. Shallow. Not yet. But close. Reprieve tomorrow. Client Wednesday. Spinning Thursday. Party Friday. Studio Saturday, I hope. Sunday… We’ll see. Won’t we? Come ‘ere. I love you. Peace on earth. Will you die for me? Eat me. This way. The end. Yeah. Close.

Thursday 29 June 2006 6:40

After a long night of watching our government make an ass out of itself, the conclusions are, D66 are supporting the motion to ditch Verdonk, but the vote in the house didn’t ratify the motion by individual vote. Now the government has to decide whether to ditch Verdonk and keep the peace in the Cabinet or blow up the coalition. VVD has said it will not support the removal of Verdonk and will blow up the coalition if it comes to that. D66 has said it will blow up the coalition unless Verdonk leaves. The preliminary decision will be made by 1400hrs today. I guess by then we’ll see whether or not we will go to the ballot box by autumn this year. Sleep now…

Thursday 29 June 2006 0:51

spoeddebat

verdonk going down

Weisglas heeft d’r net keihard in d’r kont genaaid

op het moment wordt Zalm uit zijn bed gebeld

die moet tekst en uitleg komen geven wat hij bij het overleg heeft gezegd

Weisglas heeft zelfs zijn voorzittersrol afgestaan om vragen te kunnen beantwoorden vanuit de kamer

hij zei dat op 16 mei Verdonk zei dat ze een afgerond onderzoek had en de brief naar de kamer gaat sturen

ze heeft vanavond het tegendeel beweerd

dus het is nu het woord van Weisglas tegen Verdonk

vvd fractievoorzitter was er ook bij

die ondersteunt Weisglas

en Zalm was er ook bij, hoewel niet duidelijk in welke hoedanigheid

en die wordt dus nu uit zijn bed gebeld omdat verbeek en Weisglas weigeren te spreken voor een ander

Halsema en Bos zijn op bloed uit

verhagen probeerde Weisglas nog onderuit te halen, maar Bos verdedigde Weisglas

Bos heeft gevraagd om Zalm

op zich, hoe moeilijk kan het zijn? Ayaan de bak in, Rita zouten -> Balkenende 2 plat -> nieuwe verkiezingen

er is nu even recess

zo meteen gaat het live debat verder

wordt een all-nighter

waarschijnlijk heeft Zalm nog tegengesputterd

het is eigenlijk zo dat Zalm nu 2 dingen kan doen

of bevestigen dat Rita een fait accompli presenteerde of dat er ruimte was voor sturing en dat Weisglas aangedrongen heeft op publicatie brief

die zei namelijk dat het noodzakelijk was dat de kamer zsm op de hoogte zou worden gesteld van de voldongen feiten/ conclusies van Rita

is een beetje een interpretatie kwestie

en de linkse clubs willen graag van Zalm horen dat Rita er klaar mee was

en dan is het afgelopen voor de kenau

dan heeft de VVD d’r laten vallen

Balkenende is trouwens ook behoorlijk hard aangepakt

stond op een bepaald moment als een schooljongetje zich driftig te maken

en keer op keer dezelfde ouwhoerderij te verkopen, terwijl kamerleden em heel duidelijk uitlegden dat het BS was

Authentiek Nederlands politiek drama vannacht

ik heb het maar alvast de nacht van Weisglas gedoopt

Tuesday 27 June 2006 23:30

Still need to clean this place up, but it won’t be happening tonite. Perhaps if I do get enough sleep, I’ll get to it tomorrow. Can somebody please ask that horrible woman to shut her mouth? In fact, please shut them both up. Not looking forward to the remainder of this week. Yeah, whatever. Bring it. I’m fed up. Sent an email to get the giggin’ underway, but haven’t heard anything yet. did 14, nearly 15 km on the bike today. Some movement on the ppfront… Strange dreams last night. Dreamt I was part of a terrorist cell living in a country ruled by evil men (robots? aliens?)… We were planning an attack on the leadership during a public event… The imagery, the preparation, the rationale was very vivid, very clear. The whole setting was futuristic. We had black flying motorcycles, which looked like sci-fi fighterjets… Guns firing long spike-like missile-bullets. I remember loading up the guns in one of the fighterjets… I woke before the operation got underway. I understood that I might die. But somehow it was worth trying to overthrow the leadership… It must have been a horrible world to live in and I’m sorry I didn’t get to explore it more, even if they would be just the final few hours of that dreamt life. I’m thirsty… Bed in a bit, with my favorite bedfellow Stephenson…

Monday 26 June 2006 17:45

That was the weekend. Friday I went for drinks with E, M and L. Since I don’t see her that often it was nice to just hang out. Later things turned a bit ugly, with a guy who clearly had a few and was a bit belligerent. A quick visit to T got turned around as I met some ppl and ended up in the dungeon. Saturday. There were things going on I wasn’t informed of. Things have changed. I feel like I’m a freshman in high school. Life changing, but not necessarily for the better. I’m losing people. I’ve lost people. Now we play new roles. Picked up E and J in the town that’s like a buildingsite. It’s not even done yet. Then off home for a spot of dinner. Up to the city to meet up with other folk to go to DR. Lost another pair of sunglasses. That’s probably the sixth pair in three years. 🙁 At home I’d burned a little demo cd (What if…?, Numinous, Euphoric Ennui and Crockett’s Ass) with the intention of going up to Basti (of Tiefschwarz) after his set and giving him the thing. As it turned out, I didn’t have the patience to wait ’till after his set, so I went up to him during his set and gave him the disc. He smiled and put his thumb up. He probably threw it away afterwards 🙂 Well, whatever, it’s fun to imagine him (he’s German) listening to the lyrics of Crockett’s Ass… Sunday I got into bed way too late, so I called off E, whom I would pick up later that afternoon. Too bad, she’s leaving again today. I had a fucked up time the rest of the day, very weary. I stretched it ’till midnight and went to bed. Dreams were murder, of course. I dreamt I was playing squash and suddenly I slipped out of my normal consciousness. I suddenly was in another place, doing something completely different in another time. Then as abruptly as it took me, I was back on the squashcourt. Very, very confusing, very weird. I have this fascination with this kind of fragmentary consciousness. I’ve experienced it a few times under the influence of this or that and it is the most frightening, bewildering, exciting thing that your brain can concoct. It rips you from reality like the wings off a fly. Got up, had breakfast and watched some doc on the Ice Hotel in Sweden. Hell of a thing. Worked. Squash. Work. Now I need to do some dishes. Cook dinner. Not think of how difficult some aspects of my life have become. Somebody said I could loan his Roland JX-8P… Might take him up on that. One more month and I’m closing this thing down…

Friday 23 June 2006 9:43

NP: CausaliDox – (2006-06-23) Snake Charmer (unfinished – rough draft)

myeah. Another night in the studio. Another track *, but I’m far from happy with it. It isn’t finished. Shit, it’s a rough draft… Don’t like the vocals… But hey, after hours and hours in the studio, I just found out how to actually use a condenser mic… Shit… I get bonuspoints for even being alive, the amount of grey matter I apparently got… I don’t like the Minimax lead synth, the sound’s okay, but the melody… not sure… The ending is a piece of shit. I knew it, but I was too busy doing other shit. Figured out alot about the TX81Z. It’s hard when you have no knowledge of MIDI whatsoever. The mastering sucks ass… But that’s partly due to the Behringer being a piece of shit… Also some additional fx would be nice, some reverb, but yeah. I like the bassline. Alot. I like the drums. Something went wrong with the recording though… Somewhere in the beginning of the track the midi goes off for a sec. I guess I had too much shit going on in the background and got some underruns. Well, too late now to re-record again… It’s been like 16 takes or something. It’s a whole new ballgame, working with gear as opposed to all-in-the-box… Mastering is hard. Low shelf seems ok, mid is a mess and high… Well, I don’t think I can hear the high anymore… My ears are tired. Oh yeah… ehm… Explicit lyrics. Just a memory that flooded my mind… I’m sorry. I need some sleep. Stop taunting me Thomann folder! Sleep. Oblivion. Regrets. Fear. Fight the demons… 

*[edit 14:28 – Took track offline. Really not ready for release]

Monday 19 June 2006 21:55

NP: Nine Inch Nails – Something I Can Never Have

Saturday was ok. I’m trying to have more fun. Not easy. There are things that, when specific people say that to me, I get scared. I start wondering if it’s true. I start wondering about whether or not it matters at all. I started reading Stephenson again. The Baroque Cycle. Fucking addictive. My tooth hurts. I bit on something hard and fucked my gums up. It’ll heal. Saw a picture today that threw me. Strange how much you can recognize of somebody even though you haven’t seen them in a really long time… It’s the eyes I guess… Man that picture really twists my gut in a knot. Played squash. Now gotta find some music for that dj-gig I got coming up…

Friday 16 June 2006 7:03

And after a night of drinking, I sit here and can only think of your face. Of the things you’d say to me. The way you’d make me feel. Wasted money on alcohol. Wasted because it does nothing for me. And I know it does nothing for me. It’s a strange side effect of the changes I’ve gone through. No drugs, no alcohol, no distraction works. I’ve laughed tonite. Some of it genuine, some of it as an exercise in social grace. I’ve thought about having sex with at least three women and realised that none of them would satisfy anything else than animalistic urges I’ve been smothering for some time. The world feels empty, vapid… Cynical and old. And if you tell me I’m projecting, well… Maybe so, but just maybe you’re the one not being too honest and upright about what is in you and around you. Well, fuck you. There is no you. There is only me on here. But not for long anymore. I’ve had it with this thing. After six years I’m thoroughly fed up with writing on here. I want to really write again. Not just about me, not just about what I feel, but I want to write for the stories. For the thoughts about things, for ideas. Everytime now, and for a long time, when I put “pen to paper”, I get choked up by emotions and produce nothing except lament. Which is ok, but I’m so bored, bored blind… I need to do something, start writing again, just as I’ve started making music again… I’m not sure I can, or maybe I’m not sure I ever could… But that’s no different from all the rest. I’ve had to find it within myself. One or two glorious occasions excepted. So, if there’s anything left, it’ll happen, if there isn’t, there won’t be much farther to go. I need more small waterbottles. I have three at the moment. When the cycle starts, I put three of them in the fridge, I drink one, fill it up, put it in and take the next. But I’m so fucking thirsty and drink so much fucking water that three aren’t enough to keep me happy with a supply of cold water (The only way to drink water. Cold.). I could put in a larger bottle, but I like the handiness and capacity of the small bottles. Another possibility would be a pitcher, but my pitcher is made of plastic and after one day, the water tastes funny. So, I need more small bottles. Getting them isn’t that big of a deal, cuz a sixpack costs next to nothing. But everytime I’m in the shops, I think it’s extravagant to buy six bottles of water when I have three at home. But when I arrive back home the nervous chasing of the three bottles starts again. I think some people would recommend therapy, medication perhaps. A blowjob? Fucked if I know. This is just one of the thousands of things that haunt my mind every single fucking day of my fucking pitiful existence. And I do not claim any extraordinarity or some original madness. It just fucking irks me. And I oftentimes wonder -and perhaps hope- that others have these maddening mental chases around the block as well. And after a night of drinking, I sit here wondering what you would look like if I held you like I used to. Goddamn me. Goddamn me to hell.

Thursday 15 June 2006 15:01

NP: CausaliDox – ZweiKinderOder 2.0

Had nightmare upon nightmare last night. Old school, I’d be tempted to say. It’s cooled down a bit, so sleeping was easier, but yeah… Still so fucking tired. The muscles in my shoulders are punishing me for yesterday’s squash game. I sat down to do some work in the studio yesterday, but I just couldn’t get into it. It’s been a busy day yesterday and there was stuff to do ’till late in the evening, so that was on my mind the whole time. Also, it is goddamn small in here. I might have to rethink this whole setup. Today, if all goes well, I get my bike back. Hope it won’t be too expensive. Tonite squash. Maybe I’ll head out to town, just to test my bike and get out for a bit. I’ve been locked in here for more than a week now. I have some strawberries left.

Monday 12 June 2006 22:49

NP: Anthony Rother – Little Computer People

It’s really warm today. Hayfever got me when I opened the windows. I woke early after a really bad night, fell asleep again and repeated that a couple of times… Eventually I got up and worked most of the day. Did some dishes, some laundry, had dinner… It’s 11 pm again, so I hope I’ll get tired really soon, so I can sleep. But I have this feeling that it might be a bitch… I’m a bit bored I guess… Looking for something…

Monday 12 June 2006 3:54

It’s hot. And it’s supposed to get even warmer. Friday went ok, but it might take some time before we hear anything. Since my bike is fucked, I didn’t see the outside world this weekend. I could have I guess, but… I don’t know… I just couldn’t… Stayed in, got my time messed up, once again. Didn’t do anything productive, didn’t do anything creative, just watched American tv-series. I’m trying not to think too hard. Trying not to feel too much. Don’t recall Saturday, what was left of Sunday I spent cleaning and such… Now I have to try and get some sleep again. I have some things to sort out tomorrow. I want to try and break into a rhythm. I think it might be healthier for me. Especially with this demonic weather. I really do wonder sometimes. There’s so many things I do not know, so many things I do not understand. I would like to feel like I have some control again. I don’t want it to slip away. It’s hard. Irony is all around, if you look at things the right way. So yeah. I hope for some beautiful dreams in a bit. That would be nice. Just to escape for a little while, even if it hurts afterwards…

Thursday 8 June 2006 18:16

NP: Dean Martin – Volare

I’m tired. I sleep, but I can’t get rested. Today squash was brutal. Tomorrow there’s the trip down south, so I need some sleep tonite… First I need to get some bread from the store and get some gas for the car. Then dinner and a quiet night at home. Yesterday M came over and we sat, drank and talked. Then off to the city, lounging about, listening to music, then on to the leftist café before heading down to that horrid disco, where all the psych-kids were having a party. I felt a bit old. Still, I guess that was never my crowd. It was fun to see though. It’s getting warmer. I feel inklings of hayfever, but it doesn’t materialize. Bought the Studio Projects / 797 Audio C1… If only I could sing…

Monday 5 June 2006 9:07

So, myeah… It’s 9 am. Spent much of the afternoon and night getting the studio up and running. Then I had to record a new track, still a bit rough, but yeah. Now I’ve got a bit of a dilemma… Do I go to sleep for a few hours, or do I stay awake and clean this place up… I’m thirsty. And not so much tired as a bit worn… I don’t like Mondays. I let my life go to waste…

Sunday 4 June 2006 7:08   talkback

I hate being special and sweet… I just want something I can never have… I hate the fucking laissez-faire attitude, the devil may care, let’s fuck eachother numb and be gone before breakfast nights… I’m so bored of them, so bored of the comments, the observations, the talks, the cheap shots… Fuck you, fuck me, fuck off… The studio’s been upgraded, added to, but not yet fully functional, but we’re getting there. Also using aux to record seems to be working. T, m and z were here. We hung out in the studio for a bit, but booze took over some of us. So there were couches and fucking marathons down memorylane… It got tiresome. I went out. I lost myself for a bit. I really needed to. Even though beauty grips me by the throat and paralyzes me, I will not succumb again. If I cannot be seen or wanted, I will not fulfill the roles I am awarded. Welcome Sunday. Goodbye. Wait for it. Wait forever. Got the cables. Got the disks. The server’s too slow. The alcohol brine bubbling… Isolation coming down. Either penetrate or evacuate. I’m curious as to what’s next. What I thought of in the middle of the room… Whom I thought of. All the faces, all the voices blur. I feel like I deserve it, sometimes… Just don’t tell me that… Please. I just want something I can never have… ?

Friday 2 June 2006 22:21   talkback

Wednesday 31 May 2006 0:07   talkback

Our server got blacklisted. Dunno how or why, but we should be fine in another 18 hours. Bungholed about with the TX81Z some more today. I think I’m getting the hang of this MIDI thing, but the problem is definitely the Behringer and lack of grounding. I cannot record anything without a shitload of noise. So that means I’ll have to record anything I want to use separately and arrange the audio, instead of just sequencing the whole lot and then recording the sequences through the machines… This will make recording anything a whole lot more labourious… Doesn’t matter. I love playing with the Poly61. I just love the sound. I’m definitely an analogue type of guy 🙂 Suddenly the 707 decided to stop remembering patterns… Even though I thought the new trick was working fine, I guess there’s no telling whether or not I’ll have the patterns when I switch power back on… And that, of course, sucks ass… I need to get some bread tomorrow, there’s work and squash. Wednesday. Time fucking flies. I feel so dim. As if somebody threw out the old 75 Watt bulb and screwed in a 15 Watt lightbulb… I’ll try and get some sleep now. I’d be stoked if I actually did…

Tuesday 30 May 2006 5:08   talkback

I should be in bed, but once again, I can’t sleep. Same story yesterday… Woke up, played squash, or rather pretended to be doing something with a ball and a racquet… I felt uncomfortable… I feel isolated. And yeah, I do still miss you. Worked today, had a rather depressing conversation. Did dinner, picked up the TX-81Z from pH and hung around talking to him. Liked that. Came home, called M. Rather too intense for my taste and a bit depressing… I need to create some space for myself. There’r big changes coming, perhaps sooner than I’d think. Well… Yeah… I’ve decided to close down the log. I’ve grown tired of it. I don’t feel free anymore. It’s no longer liberating and serves none of its’ original purpose. I’ll close it down on it’s 6th birthday. Maybe I’ll leave the archive online, or maybe not, still not too sure. I’ve begun taking myself offline, for long periods of time… Just to condition myself and prove that it doesn’t make a goddamn difference. I’m alone as I ever was. Some sleep. Please.

Sunday 28 May 2006 20:19   talkback

I have a terrible headache, but it’s on and off, I dream of dying and wake up in amazement… I played squash yesterday and did the dishes. I realize how much has changed. I drove out to town and just stood there for the longest time. The music was bad. I feel like I’m looking through a glass plate, on the outside. It sometimes surprises me that in my head I have these plans. visions. It’s colder again, so strange. It’s the end of May… Still no hayfever. Something’s amiss, I’d say.

Friday 26 May 2006 18:34   talkback

NP: CausaliDox – Running

Didn’t sleep last night. Went out Wednesdaynight with M… Ended up with a few people in some bar. Nice and quiet. Good conversation. Later we ended up in the wrong place though… Oh well, can’t win ’em all. Thursday I stayed in, hung about. Boring shit. In the morning I finished one track and started on a new one around 1pm, Running, which kept me busy for the most part of the day. It’s been drizzling outside, pouring now and again… I’ve been in the studio, with the blinds closed and the door shut. I didn’t even notice the passage of time… Tomorrow there’ll be squash I don’t know what else, after that… Tonite… First I need to get some food in me, then I’ll prolly crash hard… I hope it’ll be dreamless sleep. I can’t bear the imagery tonite… The pretty faces, the apocalyptic visions, the half-forgotten humiliations…. The complete and utter desolation of life’s desert… Yeah. It doesn’t reach me right now…

Wednesday 24 May 2006 16:09   talkback

Make a joke about withdrawal symptoms, make a joke about staring into loneliness like it’s the bottom of the 10th vodka gimlet on a Tuesdaynight… I’m no comedian. At least, I’m not that good. The days are drudgy and dreary, the waiting goes on and on. I’m tired all the time. And I’m sick of hearing myself whine and complain. So I proclaim that this is analysis, not moaning. I’ve been mesmerized by mounds of flesh and skin, sensuously swept from side to side… Been haunted by eyes and the topography of faces… Lost myself in [insert banal joke about warm, wet spaces] the most familiar of places… I can’t shake it, I can’t break it, I can’t make it, it seems… If loss is liberation, then why do I need so much to feel free? It’s not true, that freedom from desire is liberty. Freedom from desire is death. Fulfilment of desire is freedom. Hedonism might be the only way to go. Unfortunately, there are too many obstacles. I’m not sure where this train of thought is taking me, but I like the movement of the steel wheels on this soporific day… I guess I do know what I want. I guess I’ve become weak. I guess I’m not sure I can change it. Withdrawal. I have needs. Healthy desires. Don’t gimme no shit… Because… I’ve been tired…

Monday 22 May 2006 22:31   talkback

After two days of those goddamned stairs and not enough sleep, I’m hoping to go into coma for a few hours now. I’m glad we got everything done for ya, babe. Saturday was fun. Shit I’m tired…

Saturday 20 May 2006 14:25   talkback

NP: Legowelt – Haunted Arp

Seeing Orgue Electronique, TLR, Rude 66 and Legowelt tonite. ‘Lectro, baby! Still a bit woozy from the booze… Man… Fucked up.

Friday 19 May 2006 19:48   talkback

Haven’t been this fucked up in a looooooooong time… One good thing, though… It’ll probably save me a bit of money over the coming weeks, since I’ve had enough alcohol for some time. Fuck. That was just too fucking much. I still feel nauseous, but the headache seems to be gone. I think I might be hungry, but I’m gonna take it easy on that front. I even think it might have been a good thing, this hell I went through today, ’cause feeling physically good (ahum, better) really feels like a joy. So maybe indeed there is a silver lining… 😛

Friday 19 May 2006 14:24   talkback

So incredibly fucking hung over… : |

Thursday 18 May 2006 14:07   talkback

NP: Beck – Still Missing [Royksopp Remix]

Been pretty tired. Sleeping long hours, but fitfully. Still don’t feel like reading. I have an inkling that hayfever might be on its’ way. We’ll see. Been taking pre-emptive anti-histamine doses. Missed my dose today and sure enough, I’m itchy in the mucosa. My hair is growing again… Damn. I need to buy some bread. There’ll be ‘lectro this weekend. I have to find some time to make music. I need to keep desires under control. I need to keep the mind in check. I need to understand. I need to refrain. Still a bit anxious about the worksituation. Could it be the histamine is making me so drowsy? Out of frame, acting out interactions with a mock-up of the world. I’m thirsty. I’ll attack the pitcher of cold water waiting in my fridge. Talked to Guaka last night. Weird though. Spinning stories in my head. Reality check… Check, please.

Tuesday 16 May 2006 14:28   talkback

NP: Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – Nobody’s Baby Now

I’m getting more certain. This will have been the last year of the log. There’s something come over me and the way the seasons don’t turn, the way the people act, the way the wind blows… It’s okay. I’m certain changes will come. I’m open to it. I hear the things around me jangling chains, breaking shackles, I see skies open up and closing in, in quick succession. Time is beginning to lose meaning. I feel detached, loosening the bonds that were naught but tattered strings, frayed and thin… I am a stranger… I notice it, when the lights are out at night… I notice the last points of recognition fading, my face looks alien in the mirror, the skin a far away dream of touch sense… Reality slips the noose, the stranglehold… Still there’s this clinging, out of habit perhaps, out of fond, sensuous memories perhaps… …leave you as you are, if he felt he had to direct you, direct you into my arms… There’s a truth that escapes me. I hunt it, chase it, but it always is one, more, steps ahead. The realization that it will always be this way, is sinking in slowly, like sand thrown into a flowing river… I can’t accept it. I can’t let it go, but it’s gone…

Sunday 14 May 2006 20:04   talkback

NP: 7 Hurtz – Tension on Sight

Thursdaynite M dropped by and we talked. I liked seeing her, it’s been a while… Afterwards, I went out to the pub, then was wooed into a night of wild debauchery with N and J, dancing and drinking to the worst music spawned by the nineties… Friday came along, as did K2 and pH. A night of fucked up videoclips and strange wodkabrews ensued. Saturdayevening T dropped by, sippin’ cokes and just talking the night pretty much away. Today I woke and was invited to this horrid little festival this evening, which for the first time ever, I’ll attend. I’m weak. I’m surrendering. Who cares 🙂

I’ll have to put some laundry in the machine and set it to tumble when I’m out, so it’s done when I get back. Also I need to shave and shower, before heading out in about 45 mins.

Hopefully I’ll be able to rise at a bit of a reasonable hour, tomorrow, so I can do some chores and be ready to do some work, during the day. There’ll be squash in the evening and then I’ll probably be so ransacked that I need to lie down very quietly… It’s nice to be distracted. I like the fact that for no reason at all, the 707 decided to remember patterns as long as I leave the power button on. Unfortunately I haven’t found time to do some music this weekend, but I’m appreciating the possibilities more and more. Haven’t started reading anything yet, since Cryptonomicon. I’m holding off for now. Everything takes time. There’ll be changes again. Ta panta rei, unchanging and constant, circular or unique… I hope the hayfever will be mild this year…

Thursday 11 May 2006 17:11   talkback

NP: The Cure – The Snakepit

I feel so strange… No amount of drugs could ever reach the depth of this feeling… My dreams are so vivid, so full of imagery that would astonish and shock if it ever made it to celluloid. I was really tired after yesterday. It was a long but productive day. I think I got a little tan on my arms from driving so much. It’s warm, but I don’t mind. This apartment has passed the heat test. I like it here. M’s birthday was fun, yet it provided a confirmation of why I don’t like games. I stayed too long and drank too much, but I coped. It did result in me being very tired last night, so I got into bed around 10 pm, which is a very, very rare occurance with me… Got up early this morning and worked. Very productive as well, today, I just hope it won’t turn out to have been in vain… Been listening to The Cure all day. Somehow it fit with my mood. I don’t even feel depressed, just, you know… Susceptible is the word, maybe, sensitive… I feel like going out for a bit, tonite. First I’ll get on the bike, though, take a shower, have some dinner…

Sunday 7 May 2006 13:31   talkback

NP: Download – Interlude

Just finished reading Stephenson’s book. Still pretty messed up, sick… I’ve been thinking about calling it quits after 6 years. It doesn’t seem to serve the purpose anymore I envisioned once… Perhaps it’s also true that I’m becoming less of an exhibitionist, although truly, that was always just a side-effect to this whole endeavour. I am yet to draw any final conclusions, as the thoughtprocesses are still milling over the ontological value of this strange mausoleum of words… The coughsyrup doesn’t work… My arms still hurt from hauling that 21″ monitor down those narrow stairs… I either underestimated its’ weight or I’m a lot less strong than I thought… Someone estimated its’ weight at 50kg’s, which would make it sort of ok, but I’m not sure… It’s an old D|I|G|I|T|A|L and it looks battered, but it’s in working condition, so… Cryptonomicon has helped me avoid thinking, which previous protests aside, was nice for a bit. It doesn’t actually alleviate my mounting sense of alienation and steady increase of the level of absurdity I’m experiencing and it actually didn’t help much with the ever larger looming insight that my life is dull and uneventful, my mind underdeveloped and under-used, but yes, I concede, it was a nice flight from reality… I’m reluctant to dive into something new. But I will… My lungs aren’t cooperating. I feel like shit. My cough and aches in the ribcage are surely worrying. How does it come to pass to find oneself at the business end of a nuit blanche transcribing one’s thoughts regarding parting words and other things one wishes to bequeathe upon the world…? And then of course shredding this artefact to bits as one has inadvertently got so caught up in the flow of these proceedings that one actually has committed to paper important watchwords for accessing binarily stored data… Well, it does not matter right now. Right now, there are, as always, many things nagging me, my mind, my conscience, my emotions… Simultaneously, doggedly, annoyingly… I hate choices. However banal -or important, for that matter- they purport to be. But of course choices are not beings, cannot täusch me, they are just branches of the same tree… Or something to that effect… It’s getting warmer. It’s been warm, but I haven’t been outside… Holed up here… Sick. Although, I think it’s alot healthier living here than in my old haunt. I got sick quite a bit there… This is only the first time here… The bouncing e-mail got to me. I didn’t like it. But I have to accept it. I can deal with it. I still think it’s strange, all of it, but hey, it’s been strange for a long time. The utter silence gets to me too… In a different, more intense way. It doesn’t help that my mind keeps me well aware of what various faculties of me are in dire need of… Or whom, which would be a better pronoun. And no, there is no statute of limitation on these things… There are just differences between various specimens of the species… And the dreams… The dreams… It’s a two-edged blade these dreams… They cut through reality like a flash of much-desired lysergic acid diethylamide or psilocybin and perhaps just as aformentioned substances they have the effect of contrasting with reality just a tad to grimly for a peaceful demeanor… It is still beyond me that with the distance (which hasn’t been far, in my opinion, but still) we’ve covered and the (limited) insights we’ve gained, we are still clinging to notions of reality and society that belong in best-forgotten dark ages… It’s hard to take most of it seriously. I don’t understand the motives for living in many of my fellow earth-dwellers… There is much I don’t understand. There is much that frustrates me, but foremost saddens me… There’s just too much in here about the package and its’ contents, its’ reflections and way too little about its’ surroundings… Inadequate, feedback-loop prone and purposeless… Doing damage wherever it goes, physically and otherwise. Life (especially in humans) is a very destructive force, any (what so ever) accomplishments notwithstanding… Hey, it’s an opinion. Well, no, it feels like a truth. [insert relativistic annihiliation of reason] rm *.* shutdown -c -r

Friday 5 May 2006 6:25   talkback

I feel pretty goddamn lousy today. There seems to have been poured a kilo of cement down my lungs while I was asleep. Weighing down on me, making it hard to breathe and harder to cough. Fortunately I still had some cough syrup, so as soon as I felt it coming, I started slurping that. There wasn’t much left and I’m also out of some essentials, so I’ll be going to the grocer’s in an hour and a half.

Tonite there’s a big party I was really looking forward to going to, but the way I feel now… I’m not sure I’ll be making it down there. Perhaps I’ll just drive the car down and hang out for a bit, but I’m really not sure, since the prospect of being in a (even lightly) smoked-filled space sends me into convulsions… For anyone interested: call 06-20487338 after 16:00 for the location… Ishi and Nekki had their second daughter yesterday, congratulations! 🙂

I’ll have to recuperate this weekend, so that I’ll be able to do the meetings next week. Blèh… Really don’t want to go out to the stores right now, but I’ll have to. First a shower, though… I’m exhausted, even though I just got out of bed… Being sick sucks… 🙁

Thursday 4 May 2006 12:11   talkback

Got sick last night. Felt progressively worse during the day… Pretty wasted right now… Guess it’s the weatherswitch, a few days ago it was still freezing, right now it’s over 22 centigrade indoors. I’ll go get some sleep… I really don’t want to be sick right now… 🙁

Tuesday 2 May 2006 5:42   talkback

Did some work, played some squash, bought some food, hung out with Zieg and been working on a new track, which I really like. Talked a bit to Dries on the phone around 3 am, watched some series… I’m fucked right now. Some sleep, some more work, some more squash… It was cold today. It’s supposed to be getting twice as warm today… Tired.

Sunday 30 April 2006 18:04   talkback

I can’t sleep anymore. I have to force myself to lie still and breathe deep and slow. I can’t stop reading Stephenson’s Cryptonomicon. I’d rather be reading because it seems that when I stop, my mind wanders off to places that aren’t particularly happy. Distractions help a bit. But most of the time, when I am not doing anything that requires attention, I keep having these thoughts, these in turn evoke emotions, it all happens so fast. My life has definitely changed. Not for the better or for worse, it has just changed. I don’t feel like I used to. I’m not sure I know how I feel now. I’m not sure what to do with the things I feel. The silence drives me mad sometimes… Dealing with loss, abandonment, rejection, coming to terms with the incomprehension, the lack of data, the absence of communication. It feels much more feral than it seems, and yet I fear and notice the diminishment of ferociousness within me… Makes me question my suitability for this realm… SNAFU, babe, SNAFU…

Saturday 29 April 2006 17:49   talkback

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Something Fast (live – Return to Arkham)

The party was fun, the people were nice, the vodka was cold and aplenty… I haven’t been sleeping. When I slept, I was having nightmares… Strange houses I couldn’t get out of, so dark… Now I’m here, by myself, with my thoughts and my feelings… In the stark springlight… I miss you, I miss you alot. You made me feel so good… I miss you. I hope you know. It hurts. I hope there won’t be any nightmares…

Thursday 27 April 2006 17:49   talkback

NP: To Rococo Rot – Merano

Got into bed way too late… Too early… Had a dream about her… Strange, intense dream. Made me want to know she is still out there… The e-mailaddress bounced… I guess I have no way of reaching her… I read somewhere that she graduated, so congratulations, baby… It’s a Thursday like old, ancient Thursdays, full of clouds and greyness. I have to play some squash in a few minutes, so I gotta go… Yeah.

Thursday 27 April 2006 6:26   talkback

Thoughts on sci-fi and the impending demise of any hope regarding a second season of Surface:

Surface was very cool, new approach, very fresh and original, I guess they saw the end coming though, judging by the final eps… I don’t think it’s coming back, although I would love to have seen where they’d go from here…

Invasion is definitely an ok show. I like it, but not as much as I liked Surface. I think Surface had more “likability” because of Nim and the whole boy adventure thing. I hope Invasion will keep on bringing some good sci-fi to the screen.

As for Threshold… I liked the very first episode, the second was okay and the third, well, I won’t use any expletives here… I really don’t understand why they went the way of the cop…? It could have been so interesting to find out what the aliens are, what that thing above the oceansurface was, where they come from, but instead it’s all a big post 9/11, patriotic gun and chase fest, completely brainless and clueless as to what makes good sci-fi. Rest In Pieces, Threshold.

We need better Sci-Fi!

Thursday 27 April 2006 5:33   talkback

So things turned out differently tonite… Ishi came over, we drank some wine, sat in the studio, talked… Then I got online and did some work, talked to Thor for most of the night… Now it’s nearly morning and I’m waiting for SP to download… Quick look if it’s in fast enough and then some sleep… I’m tired… Had fun tonite… Adobe has really weird shit going on with color settings 😐

Wednesday 26 April 2006 21:32   talkback

NP: CausaliDox – (2006-04-26) What’s Your Name Again

Busy day, first squash, at which I totally sucked, but I was tired and hadn’t had breakfast, so no big surprise there… Then lots of work to get done, very productive. Have been having problems with my connection all day long. Very very annoying. Seems like half the country’s connection is on its’ ass… Or maybe it’s just this network. I don’t know. It’s annoying. I so love my last track. I love the little robots… Microscopic mosquitoes are invading my house, they’re coming in through the airvents. I’m exaggerating, it’s been two or three at the most, but still, annoying as well… Hmpf… Much annoyance today, but all minor I guess… I could start worrying again about the big stuff, but let’s hold off on that for just a bit, shall we? I think I’ll do the videograbbing tonite. See how that goes. I need an early bedtime tonite… At least I don’t feel so horrible as I did yesterday… Tomorrow’ll be busy again too; good, I don’t mind. Tomorrownight I go out, Fridaynight there’s a party… Saturday… Hell, I don’t know…

Wednesday 26 April 2006 5:34   talkback

NP: CausaliDox – (2006-04-26) What’s Your Name Again

Strange day today… Not the best day at work, not the best day personally… Had nightmares… Frustrated with machines… Decided to try it the old way. I like the result… I’m gonna try and get some sleep…

Tuesday 25 April 2006 4:28   talkback

Finally some good news on the work front. Very happy about the new project. Hoping to get more out of this week. The weekend was weird, big party, took a hit of x, lost my sunglasses… Yeah, can’t win ’em all… Cooked a nice dinner tonite, K came over, they’re leaving soon. I decided not to go to the wedding. Emotionally shaky at times, calm and reasonable at others… Saw Dark Days just now… Heavy shit… Still difficulties navigating all of this, still difficulties finding a mode for music, I’m a one-type of approach kinda guy, I’m noticing, holistic systems, integration, I don’t like a plethora of possibilities. It’s brewing inside my head. I want too much, I never want enough, I can do only so much, I can never do enough… I’m thinking of smells I want to smell, dreams I don’t want to dream, because of the way I feel when I wake up… I can feel hayfever coming. I have to go to sleep, though I don’t want to. I want to read, but I have to get things done tomorrow, I need to grab the video from the gigs, I have to find out why my tv-card won’t gimme sound… I have to get these goddamn notes out of my head and onto the keys out of the speakers into ones and zeroes… I want to write, but I never do, I don’t want to be disappointed, but I always am. I wish I didn’t go nuts like a puppydog everytime I get what I secretly want, cuz I hardly ever do… I wish the new mail sign would go away, cuz it’s never really anything else but spam… I want to be outside and I hope there will be people that believe me, that’ll come along… I wish, I wish, I wish it could be just a little bit of magic that flows from me in these strange, languid colorful serpentine garlands… Like I remember, we all used to have that… I’m longing for trees. I’m longing for stars… I’m longing for things that will make me forget that I’m alive by making me live…

Wednesday 19 April 2006 17:04   talkback

NP: CausaliDox – (2006-03-23) Numinous (Worst Case Scenario)

Yesterday was fun. I filmed and recorded UltraZeitGeist which is a neo-post-punk-80’s-Manchester type of thing by some people I know. Pretty cool, there were lots of people I know, so the vibe was ok… Afterwards I left the tape and MD running for Monokino. They were happy I taped it, so we’ll be exchanging some material soon. Seeing people on stage made me so envious… Damn, I need to be back on stage!

Work today, we got some things done. Right now, though, I need to go to the grocer’s and get some food, then probably straight to squash, then home, shower, food and… Yeah uhm… Dunno… I’d like to get out a bit, especially since yesterday was fun, but it might not happen, maybe I’ll just dive into the studio…

Tuesday 18 April 2006 16:58   talkback

The weekend kinda sucked, but yeah, don’t it always? Stayed in, read, watched movies, mucked about in the studio… Did some work today, still no news. I’m going to a gig at the Uni-cc tonite, film a performance by a friend of mine. Set up the video parts of my gear last night, so I’m finally fully operational. Tired, a bit… Early bedtime tonite, Stephenson has got me again. Hands and face seem somewhat better. Glad about that. ‘ll do a bit of cooking in a bit and then off to the gig. Strange dreams last night. Had a dream about a girl I used to know…

Saturday 15 April 2006 16:43   talkback

It’s been busy this week, but unfortunately still nothing set in stone with regard to more contracts. Finally I’ve been able to pick up the routine again, playing squash three times a week. I hope we’ll be able to sustain this for a bit longer, this time. Haven’t been riding the Weslo much, but planning on that too, in the coming weeks…

Money’s a bit tight, so I haven’t been going out at all the last couple of weeks. I don’t mind so much, but it gets to be a bit boring, now and then… I’ve been trying to spend as much time as possible in the studio at nights, so as to learn how to operate everything, get it all up and running. I think I’ve come quite a ways. Still much to learn and to figure out, get comfortable with. In the meantime I’m trying to improve my hearing, working out some melodies on the keyboard. I’m getting better at that too, I’m noticing. The Behringer is most frustrating, however. I guess it’s due to dust that I’m experiencing so many problems with it. If anyone knows of a company or person who knows how to (economically) clean out a mixing desk, please let me know.

Blehbleton is up and running and I’m getting the hang of it more and more, but I’ve experienced two crashes while working with it and if I recall correctly both times when I was entering midi data with the PC180-A, so I was thinking maybe it’s due to the Midisport’s drivers…? I dunno. I might get into it all again tonite…

I feel a bit lonely, because I haven’t seen any people (socially) for a bit and my invitations to pop by for a drink have fallen on deaf ears. Yeah… Ok, whatever. I’m quite used to it by now… It makes me read more. I’m itching to write again. I might do either this afternoon. Read Sartre’s Intimacy. That book kinda scared me… Started Stephenson’s Cryptonomicon, still alongside Russell, but that’s such an enormous thing, it’ll take me a while. Not always in the mood for that one.

I would like to be outside some more. It’s getting to be a bit milder and I love walking around in that pre-spring air. Still really cool and devoid of pollen, but mild enough to make you dream these strange melancholic, anticipatory dreams of the best summers you’ve ever had… I’m going to dunk some kiwi’s in yoghurt and sit on my couch with some music and a book… If anyone feels like comin’ round for a drink tonite, you’re welcome! 🙂

Sunday 9 April 2006 19:52   talkback

Been thinking too much, yesterday, today… Feel a bit sad… Read Sartre’s Intimacy late last night… Probably wasn’t the best of ideas… Although I don’t mind hanging around the house and I do sometimes get so bored when I am out on the town, it’s still a bit depressing not seeing anyone. It seems harder, these days, to understand and interact… Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it feels shallow, but overall… I’ve been asking questions, I’ve been wondering… It’s hard to imagine what somebody else feels or thinks, if you don’t see them regularly… It’s hard to know how they feel or think about you, or whether they do at all… I’m actually glad to get back to work tomorrow, cuz I feel motivated, I need to feel motivated.

The studio is appealing on the one hand and overwhelming on the other. It’s just that there is so much to find out, to learn and all in all, I’m making progress, but of course, as with everything, it’s not going fast enough for me… I’m maybe gonna let it rest for a bit. It’s gonna be a busy week anyway… I’ve done some tweaking just to get a feel for everything… I had the TR-707 triggering the Minimax, Ableton and the Poly 61 and I was playing an arpeggiator in Ableton with the midi keyboard, meanwhile sometimes belting out some sounds in the mic. The whole thing was routed through the Zoom studio to give it some flange and reverb.

Playing around like that is fun, but after a while it starts to irritate me. It feels so arbitrary. I need to be able to create (song)structures I can come back to and recreate exactly the same, yet still be able to tweak. I haven’t got enough knowledge yet to be able to do that. I want to salvage some of the stuff I’ve done in FL (especially songs like What if…?) and be able to really have them available for tweaking and performing live in the new setup. Achieving this is also still a bit of a mistery to me… I hope I’ll figure it out. I probably will, but it takes time… And I’m so goddamned impatient…

The initial tryout doesn’t sound too bad here and there, but the Behringer definitely needs some cleaning or replacing. Channels dropping in and out, creaky or half-functioning panpots, big distortion on CRTL-room tape out… So sound quality isn’t fantastic: Tryout

I need to do some cleaning, laundry, dishes, workout. Dinner somewhere in between… Yeah… Gotta get busy, get my mind off things. Bad day today…

Saturday 8 April 2006 6:47   talkback

Saturday 8 April 2006 5:59   talkback

I took me quite some time, but I’ve got the 707 triggering ableton, which in turn is sequencing the Minimax multitimbrally, this whole shebang is mixed dry/wet into the Zoom Studio with a flanger/reverb effect, the 707 is also syncing the Poly61’s arpeggiator and I’m playing that one live, alongside the mayhem, one hand on the keys, the other on the Minimax’s sexy little knobs… 🙂

Needless to say, I’m in a state of excitement and wreckage… I would love to go on, but my head still hurts somewhat from yesterday’s hangover, my shoulders are aching and I’m really tired. But buzzed! I got it going after only one night. That’s not bad for a non-technical, non musical sucker like me. Now I have to figure out how to salvage tracks from Fruity and dive way deeper into Ableton, so I can start thinking about how to do a setup to a) record and b) do some extensive live tweaking. I still hate Blèhbleton’s interface, but I can see how much more “able” this prog is, compared to Fruity. I’ll still be able to use Fruity, actually, but it all goes too far to think about all of that in detail right now. I’ve put all the manuals into one binder, for easy reference. I wondered why I hadn’t thought of that before… It was getting to be pretty cluttered ’round here…

Tomorrow I have to do some work and then it’s probably another night in the studio. I ought to climb on my Weslo sometime too, though… Patience is hard. I have to be careful with money in the next week or two. But I will, no problem. I’m really digging having the studio up and running. I’ll have fun in here… Some company would be nice though… A nice glass of wine, or maybe a G&T on the rocks with a lime twist… Hmmm… Bed…

Friday 7 April 2006 18:31   talkback

NP: Fischerspooner – Ritz 107

The Minimax arrived yesterday… It’s so nice 🙂 Very nice sounds! Didn’t have much time to play around with it, squash was upon me. Heavy shit. In the evening, after dinner, some more toying, but FL isn’t cooperating. I foresee migration to Blèhbleton. So I decided to go and have a drink at the pub, where there were quite a few people I know. I had fun. As the evening drew on, I noticed a strange red spottishness to my face… I don’t understand. I guess I have some really really sensitive skin. I think it might be the smoke in the pub that triggered it. Later I saw Zieg and we got to the basement by way of another dying party. We drank and kept on drinking ’till the end was nigh.

Woke up a few times, hung-over like you wouldn’t believe. I called Zieg and cancelled squash… He was thoroughly fucked too, but he still decided to go with his girl. I had to dive into work, still hung-over, but we got the offers out, today. I hope these efforts will prove fruitful.

I’ll reinstall the laptop tonite, clean it out, ready it up for productionpurposes. I’m gonna take it really easy. First though, I’ll have some dinner. You know, I’m really easy to talk to. If you want to.

Thursday 6 April 2006 15:52   talkback

NP: AFX – Pitcard

Tuesday 4 April 2006 20:25   talkback

| : I wrote this whole thing in nearly an hour just now, pressed alt-f4 to close another window and destroyed all those words… Well, hell, lots more where those came from… The Transit arrived today… I was hoping to get the Minimax too, but UPS is taking its’ sweet time… I guess they don’t deliver after 7 pm, so, yeah, it’ll be tomorrow, but tomorrow I’m gone most of the day, so I hope they’ll deliver in the morning, otherwise I’ll have to wait yet another day. Waiting’s not so bad…

I’m enjoying Russell. Much of its’ contents isn’t new to me, but it’s been years and years since I’ve read those things and I have forgotten so much already… Very comforting to read about societies that have come and gone so long ago… Puts things in perspective, I guess…

I’ve been dying to have a nice glass of wine, but I don’t, at least not by myself… No company, no alcohol… It’s not really a conscious thing, but I just don’t… Weird. 

I’m really tired. Have been all day… Thinking about writing, since I talked to M this weekend, that story is back in my mind… Thinking about making music… Trying to recreate this track…

I’m distracted by the problems that FL causes when I try to sync it up with the 707… It’ll mean that I either have to program the 707 extensively before I use it, which is a problem with the battery issues, or that I’ll have to switch to other software like Ableton or Nuendo… I don’t like Ableton much, because of the enormous learning curve and its’ hideous GUI and Nuendo I actually don’t know much about… I think I’ll first put the issue to the people of the synthforum. See if any of them know about this problem…

To Rococo Rot is so nice. Very relaxing… I’m surprised nobody seems to know them… My left ear hurts. I think my body is trying to fight something off… Has been for a few weeks… Yeah, well, as long as it doesn’t get in my way, I don’t mind being a bit “off”… Although my left wrist is really sore. I’ve been abusing it a bit too much… Ehm… No… Not in thát way, pervert 😛 It’s just with the ganglion pushing on the tendons and muscles, every wrong move hurts like hell and I’ve been putting it through some fucked up moves… It’s better today than yesterday, though…

I’ve put the blacklight up in the studio, which makes for a nice atmosphere (no accounting for taste, is there?), now I have to get some good rest tonite, it’ll be a long day tomorrow and it always taxes me a bit emotionally, driving in that particular direction. Gotta remember to charge the GPS receiver and my Palm… And the headset. Not that I ever forget, but I am so tired right now…

It’s gonna be a bit colder tonite, so I’ll throw on another blanket. Snug as a bug… I can’t wait to get to bed… Weird… Last few weeks have been a bit of a wreckingfest with sleepless nights and too much screentime… Maybe this is payback?

Reading Guaka’s log yesterday… Strange, I guess life continues no matter what… I guess people interact in the same ways no matter where… I have to remind myself that he’s only been gone for about 3 months… It sometimes seems much longer.

I have these moments where I panic… Not so much in the sense of a panicattack like I used to have, but it’s more of an existential panic… A feeling of inadequacy, of inexperience, of sedentariness, put on feedback, resonating, growing, blowing itself out of proportion… I try to avoid the feeling, but there are times when I can’t avoid it… Creeps me out.

Nearly 9 pm. I’ll see if I can stretch it another hour or so and then I’ll head to bed… I don’t have to get up extremely early tomorrow, but I want to be on time, so I can do some things… Also if UPS is early, I might have some time to hook up the Minimax before I go… We’ll see… I wonder if my energy will come back when spring comes… Although I’m already dreading hayfever… Hmmm yeah, it sucks sometimes… Or in certain aspects, but hey, whatever… It’s only 90 years of this, tops and i’m one third of the way there… I dunno… It’d be a remarkable day, when I’ll be able to say that I feel normal, for now though, I feel weird…

Monday 3 April 2006 18:43   talkback

NP: Miss Kittin & The Hacker – Stock Exchange

Finished another 3 smaller tracks, just fiddling about a bit, playing with ideas, getting to know the keyboards… Figured out one of my favorite synthlines today. Very satisfying to develop my hearing and techniques… Got whipped at squash today, but I guess that was to be expected. Tomorrow the Transit should be here and I’m wondering about the Minimax… Unfortunately they’re already closed, so I can’t call… Oh well, give it another day… I’m running out of channels on the Behringer… Saturdaynight was ok… At least I wasn’t that bored or frustrated… Started reading Russell again… I want to get through that book. Been thinking about phonecalls and e-mails, about thinking about someone… Been thinking about money… I like the light… I like the sounds… I still don’t like my life… But hey… Whatever… I’m hungry. Time for dinner.

Saturday 1 April 2006 9:46   talkback

NP: The Cure – A Strange Day

I’m still getting used to daybreak in my new home… There are so many windows, compared to my small room, my former dwelling… The sunlight makes the blinds all orangy and tingling to the eyes… I should’ve slept some, but I didn’t and don’t want to… I think of love and the past, I think of the infinite now, the self-inflicted hurt, the innocuous seeming limitations arising from rationality imposed upon oneself… I think about losing the right to think of certain emotions, because too much time or change has come since those feelings… I think about how I avoid hearing certain music, take other precautions to evade difficult emotions, triggers that remind me too strongly of you… I feel lost and mortal. I am accepting this more and more. I listen to a song and can appreciate how pretty and innocent and sweet it is, but I feel nothing but cynical realism, I can hear the criticisms reverberating in my head, all neatly thought out… It scares me sometimes, when I catch a glimpse of myself through someone else’s eyes. Even when it’s flattering, especially when my idiosyncracies are seen as something positive… It’s not that I mind, but it’s all so infested with uselessness… I feel myself getting gloomier by the year… I’m quite sure I’ll end up this mere shadow, this walking, talking black hole of a man… I am slowly forgetting how to have fun. I feel guilty about that, but I also feel guilty about feeling guilty about that, because it’s rather decadent to be having fun while living in this rapidly descending elevator to hell’s coalcellar… I am having more trouble connecting to people now, than I’ve ever had. I still enjoy talking to people, but I feel it’s getting to be so difficult to get beyond this point, to reach something real… I so miss that… It frustrates me to notice how frisky like a puppy I become when I get an audience, some attention, a friendly word… I’m so begging for it… It’s revolting, especially to me, but I can’t help it. It’s a genuine urge, an instinct… I guess I am a really needy person… John S. Hall made me laugh just now. The talk with M this afternoon was good too… Last night, at the table wasn’t too bad either… Although it did leave me with quite a mix of emotions… Sytrus Brass greasy c|e|a – a|c|e – g|b|d – f|a|c with a few bass notes… I’m sure the Minimax will hit me in the gut. I need to find a modus, I hope FL will provide, if not I’ll have to adapt to a new system… Doesn’t matter. Contradictions swirling inside, fighting for the foremost position. Other humans. So far. I’m seeing wild neon afterimages wherever I look. Too tired to be profoundly sad. I’m getting numb and it scares me. Even worse than feeling bad, is feeling nothing at all, even though I’ve come close to praying for just that… I need to find my rhythm again. The drone. Reso and cutoff anyone? My days and nights are skipping by like an arpeggiator with bad timing… Shifting in and out of sync… $query = “DELETE FROM scarum_main_db WHERE id = (‘$consciousness’)”;

Saturday 1 April 2006 2:20   talkback

Thursday 30 March 2006 3:26   talkback

Wednesday 29 March 2006 4:11   talkback

NP: CausaliDox – (2006-03-14) Welcome To The Colony

Saturday 25 March 2006 10:05   talkback

NP: CausaliDox – (2006-03-23) Numinous (Worst Case Scenario)

Had fun tonite with J and N, babes! It all ended a bit too soon for my taste, but yeah, that’s this crappy city for ya… Unfortunately I got sucked into the net again and haven’t had any sleep yet… : | It’s okay though, I’ll go and try to sleep a bit in a minute, but I’m actually hoping to get my 707 before I really fall asleep… I wish I knew when to expect the mailman to drop by… Damn I like this track… Thinking about feelings and words and complications… All eyes… Lockjaw. Aches though… There’s the faintest whiff of spring in the air… Man, I’m so weirded out by these strange sleepless days, this fucked up sleepcycle… It’s psychedelic and scary at the same time… Building a studio’s a good idea, although, I’m no way near… That’s ok. I just keep on making the music…

Friday 24 March 2006 20:50   talkback

NP: Placebo – Taste In Men

Goddamn, I sometimes wish the old club would still be there… I remember and miss the good old bad days in that basement… The place had more charisma than every other joint in this city…

Friday 24 March 2006 20:31   talkback

NP: Placebo – Bruise Pristine

Funny… I followed a link from one site to this one, describing the “don’t”-s of fluff talk… Nearly all of the rules were very familiar… hehe I guess I don’t stand a chance… Bought a TR-707 which will hopefully arrive tomorrow. Also picked up a Midisport 2×2. Still looking for a second hand FM Synth (Yamaha SY-77 for example) and a nice (also second hand) analogue monster such as a Korg MS-20… If anyone reading this, knows of one of these or other synths… Hit me up! I’ve had a hankerin’ for loud music all day… Sat alot of hours behind the wheel this week. Another track finished… Well, finished… Don’t know about that, but I like it… Sort of… I need some food now… I think I’ll go and have a drink tonite… Stumble into the night…

Monday 20 March 2006 13:58   talkback

Let’s not talk about the weekend anymore… I’ve attracted some bug, snifflin’, sneezin’, coughin’… Read Sagan’s book, much better than the movie… Goddamn what an irritation that piece of shit turned out to be… I’m sticking to books… M’s birthday… Cancelled appointments… Keeping strange hours… Sun Tzu, Mcluhan or Sartre… Perhaps even Stephenson again… Not sure yet… Work… Persistent cold, blue skies, strange yet bland days… I do place blame with myself, you know…

Saturday 18 March 2006 8:13   talkback

The sunlight is harsh and cold. I know there is safety in bed with the hopeful beauty of Sagan’s visions… Yet on this pre-spring morning I cannot help but think of you. And I wish I could say it makes me feel good… I wish it would make me more appreciative of that sun, the clouds, the air in and out of my lungs… But it doesn’t. It feels wrong. And I know what would feel right. I try not to dwell… Not on the facts, not on the unintended catastrophic consequences… I accept it, because I have no say in the matter. I regret, but feel my dilemma now as then… I let my sadness replenish my well of tears, never empty, her edges worn smooth… The details that haunt me, the anamnesis of emotions, taint my day as ergot does rye… If I immerse in the day, I do not know where it’ll carry me… It’s been so long since I’ve seen your face or heard your voice… It’s going to be even longer before all the things I once knew will settle themselves in me… I sometimes doubt if this dust will ever settle… Like one who’ll be hanged at dusk, I teeter on the brink of surrender, I writhe along the edge of hope… I alternate between abandonment of much, so much and clinging on to it, in hopes of retrieving some of what I once knew… I want you to know that I will never lay this on you. This is how things turned out. This is what life dealt me and this is what I will go through. Any which way. It’s not a lie. It never was. And I do think that some things are clearer to me now than they ever were. I don’t believe my life has ever been more reduced to shambles than it’s been now… I pity the ones that derive pleasure from poking open wounds… You expose yourself as being as foul as no living creature save man himself could ever be… It’s a strange feeling to be the recipient of this strange gift, this awareness of world and self… It is with mixed emotions that I set it aside for a moment, close myself off from it all and retreat within, hoping to drown in a peaceful ocean, unperturbed by stirrings of heart or mind, free from the involuntary visions that split the darkness…

Friday 17 March 2006 21:59   talkback

NP: Adult. – Side Swiped (Extended Mix)

I had fun last night. Nice welcome… I maybe drank a bit too much, but I got to be a bit more loose… Which was really really good… I feel so much like a prisoner… I don’t feel so bad at the moment, either… I feel like going out again tonite… Hanging out, having a drink, listening to some music… It’s that strange twilight zone where I feel like shit and the next moment I feel freedom and abandonment in new exciting mixtures… I don’t really understand it, but sure, what the hell… I haven’t had anything to eat yet, so I’ll do that now… As well as do some preliminary cleaning… I think it’ll be tomorrow or Sunday before I really get to it… It’s still damn cold…

Tuesday 14 March 2006 16:16   talkback

Two new tracks yesterday. One I like more -although it’s too long-, but they’re both a bit irritating after a while… Some good news on the workfront today… Physically however, things aren’t going so well… I feel a bit… Congested is the word… There’s this raspy feeling in my throat, my head feels like it’s filled with cotton and my muscles ache… I guess it’s all that goddamn airco’s fault at the D-club… It gets freezing cold under that thing… Strange contrasts, busy weekend, but I haven’t seen anyone yet since sunday… I’ve been thinking too much about the whole fucked up thing, but I can’t see how to make peace with this… So I’ll just let it go for now. I don’t want to think about it. I hope that by the end of this month there’ll be a small financial gain… I’m owed some money… We’ll see, I’ve learned never to be too optimistic when it comes to those things (and not just those things /-: )… I’ve made broccoli soup, so I’m gonna get me a large bowl of that right now, with a piece of bread. First food of the day…

Monday 13 March 2006 13:22   talkback

I didn’t know. And I feel bad, believe me. Everything is different now. I guess we won’t be talking now anytime soon. Saturdaynight I went to pick up V in U and drove up to A. The party was smack-dab in the city centre, in one of the busiest streets of the city. M opened the door after about 5 phone calls and we were let into the building. There were alot of people there, family members, friends… At first I was a bit apprehensive, but soon I felt more at ease and started talking to some of the folks. Unfortunately it had to be done sober, ’cause I was driving. V made sure she efficiently used the available time to up her alcohol bloodlevel, which increased the giggle-factor… I talked to F for a large part of the evening, who works for a socialist party. Interesting conversation. Then back to U, talking with V a bit more at her place, then off to N to try and make it in time for James Holden’s set at D-club. I got in at 5 to 4 and was delighted to find out that James’d be spinning for another two hours… That shit rocked. He also spun one of my favorite clashtracks, which clinched the deal for me. Great DJ. I dropped J, E and S off at home, drove home myself, had a shower, a bite to eat and then I went to bed. I slept for a couple of hours, not too long to spoil my night… Sunday was spent resting, waiting for the night to fall and getting back to bed. Then Sundaynight came. The dreams were much more intense than usual. Snakes in water in the tropics, prehistoric vistas seen from mountains and… I don’t recall everything, but I recall the alienation I felt. This morning I got up later than I wanted, but somehow when I’m caught in those dreams, it’s so hard to break free and rouse myself. I did some laundry, some dishes, had brunch… Now, behind the desk. In the office. Trying not to think of… Yeah… The sun’s out. Soon there will be hayfever, a new sweltering summer upon us…

Saturday 11 March 2006 4:55   talkback

Fuck the world…

Friday 10 March 2006 18:04   talkback

NP: Jay-Z – Stick 2 The Script

Dr. Doom… Yeah… Right. I’m a bit pissed off… Well, at least some things are clear now. Fuck it. Lots of people reading the letter, which is a good thing. I guess most people agree… I’m thinking about releasing it to the press… Hell, I don’t know…

Thursday 9 March 2006 18:04   talkback

NP: Underworld – Banstyle-Sappy’s Curry

I got so irritated by this new anti-terror campaign, I decided to write an open letter to the government. Any reactions will be posted too. Stayed up too long again yesterday… Work today, dishes, vacuuming soon, workout… Tomorrow squash… Got a bit of a shocker today… Well, not really, but yeah… It hit home… I’m gonna try and get my Saturday filled with music… Record samples from my many djembe’s, bongo’s and other percussiontools… Wish I could go out tonite… But it’s not a good idea…

Thursday 9 March 2006 0:35   talkback

Long fucking drive today… Traffic jams on the way back… Stayed in the cold too long last night… Not gonna make the same mistake tonite. I was fucked this morning… I think I’m tired right now, but I don’t feel it… I’m just a bit numb… I need to hang some laundry to dry… Perhaps I’ll catch an ep of some series before I turn in… Long day ahead tomorrow… Wanted to do some km’s but it was too late and I was too lame… I think I’ll try for tomorrowmorning… I guess I am tired… I think that’s why I feel so empty… No energy left to feel much of anything… This country makes me so sick sometimes… With its’ fearpolitics, its’ tedious television and dumbass population… I guess feeling empty does not preclude annoyance… Whatever… The left’s on the rise after yesterday’s regional elections, but I seriously doubt whether they can make a difference… Maybe we should have early national elections, give the left a chance to undo some of the damage done by the demented christian right-wingers… But who listens to me, anyway… blèh

Wednesday 8 March 2006 0:20   talkback

Drove down south last night, drove around old neighbourhoods, waited for M to arrive, drove back up north again. Worked today, worked out… Forgot to vote… Even though this time I was supposed to back my man Ishi… Damn, I’m a fuckwit… Really tired now… Stayed up too long reading Blum again… Goddamn that book’s scary… It just filled with lists and lists of these horrible things… And you know what the kicker is? They’re all facts… It’s funny, I have a small reunion of sorts this Saturday… Makes me think of when I was younger… I suppose I still look back on aspects of that time with some longing… I’m curious as to what it’ll be like, seeing those people again, after such a long time. It looks as if things might be picking up a wee bit on the workfront… Also I’m a bit more focussed and if it weren’t for my compulsive biorhythm-selfdestruction-mechanism, well… I like SnowSlide… Alot… I might revisit it for a little touch up here and there… I’m hoping to have some more time for music this weekend… Tomorrow off to the west for a meeting, then perhaps a bit of squash… I guess I’ll go read some Blum now…

Monday 27 February 2006 17:56   talkback

NP: George Michael – Waiting (reprise)

Read a long time last night. Started Blum’s Rogue State… I wonder what would happen if our politicians read just the first chapter… Perhaps nothing… Fell into strange dreams. You’d think it wouldn’t be strange after so many years… But it’s still amazing each and every time… I think I’d really go bananas without my dreams… Friday I didn’t go out… Hung around… Saturday I cleaned and went out, drank close to half a liter of wodka, but I couldn’t get buzzed… Had my ass cussed out… Talked to some people whom I hadn’t seen in a while… Jumped into work today, got quite a bit of communicating done… Took a breather around 16:00 and watched some series… Strange how, when you’re emotionally enveloped in something, you find it everywhere you look… It’s that old pattern-recognition software going berserk, I guess…. I loved the skies today. Didn’t see much of it, but what I saw, I loved. Somebody scraped the car last week… It’s a minor scratch… Talked to ’em on the phone, but got so annoyed that I decided to just let it go… Fuck… Too much hassle to deal with these hicks… I need to get some fruit. Perhaps I’ll have somebody over for a glass of wine, but I haven’t heard anything yet… So maybe not… I’m so tired of all these questions in my head. I can’t answer them. I wish I had some answers, but maybe… Maybe I wouldn’t be too happy with the answers… I’m looking forward to seeing Dries this week… Although he might not necessarily agree… I think he can appreciate how it is that I feel I’ve been fucking up my life… Maybe I’m wrong… I’m often wrong.

Monday 27 February 2006 1:22   talkback

Too tired to think straight… Too tired to deal reasonably with emotions… Best to lay down, read, not think, not reflect… Fall asleep… Looking forward to being busy tomorrow… Looking forward to being well-rested and not feeling so feeble…

Sunday 26 February 2006 1:10   talkback

NP: Jay-Z – Show You How

Spent a large part of today doing dishes and laundry… Now comes the toss-up… Do I or don’t I do that thing that involves people and alcohol…? I doubt it’ll make me feel better and I don’t feel like coming home in a couple of hours, couple of bucks lighter, in a fucked up mood… I’d like to have some fun. Just simple fun. Doubt that’ll happen though… I need to relax a bit… Really get my mind off the things that bring me so damn down… did 10 on the bike, 10 on the floor, but I don’t feel it… Yeah… Ok, shirt, shoes, coat… Whatever…

Saturday 25 February 2006 16:30   talkback

NP: Buffalo Tom – Taillights Fade

Sister can you hear me now

The ringing in your ears

I’m down on the ground

My luck’s been dry for years

I’m lost in the dark

And I feel like a dinosaur

Broken face and broken hands

I’m a broken man

I’ve hit the wall

I’m about to fall

But I’m closing in on it

I feel so weak

On a losing streak

Watch my taillights fade to black

I read a thing about this girl

She was a hermit in her world

Her story was much like mine

She could be my valentine

And although we’ve never met

I won’t forget her yet

She cut herself off from he past

Now she’s alone at last

I feel so sick

Lost love’s last licks

But I’m closing down on it

I feel so weak

On a losing streak

Watch my taillights fade to black

Lost my life in cheap wine

Now it’s quiet time

Cappy Dick nor Jesus Christ

Could not help my fate

But I’m underneath a gun

I’m singing about my past

Had myself a wonderful thing

But I could not make it last

I’ve hit the wall

I’m about to fall

But I’m closing in on it

I feel so small

Underneath it all

Watch my taillights fade to black

..Watch my taillights fade

..Watch my taillights fade

..Watch my taillights fade 

😐

Thursday 23 February 2006 17:19   talkback

Not much sleep, meeting, interesting, some work… It was fun watching Guaka’s video’s, his adventures in South-America. I have to admit that I get jealous sometimes of the way he seems to ease in and out of people’s lives… I think I might be too much introspective or too self-aware to be able to just jump into it… I think it’s great that he can and does… It reminds of Dries in a way… I guess it’s good for me to have people like that in my life, just to experience these things vicariously… As much as I despise Kant, it sometimes feels like I have the same awkward (and despicable) sedentariness to my life… Although I wouldn’t dream of putting my (puny) intellect on par with that Königsbergian… Self-deprication in these pages, much? Well, just callin’ ’em as I see ’em… He looks positively bronzed in those pictures… I’m hoping that the possibility of the roadtrip will remain, though I can see the chance getting slimmer day by day, at least for this year… I’m in a weird place, in my head and in my livelihood, so maybe that isn’t such a bad thing… The light stays for longer, already… It’s nice and sad at the same time… The more seasons you see change, the more the memories of previous ones pile and fade… And merge as the sediment of emotions settles…

Thursday 23 February 2006 1:35   talkback

It’s gonna be a long weekend… Felt sad tonite… Long drive today, didn’t sleep as much as i’d wanted, but yeah… Meeting was good. Came home, talked to S on the phone… Growing up is weird… Is it me or does everybody feel like a kid with a grown-up’s body and more elaborate toys…? And a hell of a lot more hassle… Well… Did my 14 km’s again tonite… Sports suck because of the many showers and the amount of laundry. It really helps, having a booked week. I wonder why I do that isolationist thing I do so well… I get nervous about having reached a point of no return, of having changed too much, while it was all a trivial thing, a joke even, perhaps… I heard winter was gonna make a comeback… It hasn’t happened yet… Maybe it will. It’s a good thing to live here… I wish I didn’t have the constant feeling that it’s only temporary… And even very temporary… I can’t shake that… Do you believe in self-fulfilling prophecies? Or is it just reasoning and probabilities that govern these premonitions and their eventual outcome…? I have one more Egan book to read. But I’m hooked on Clarke and I should really try to finish Russel… Problem is… I love books, but it’s so much easier to read them on my PDA… As I only read in bed… Words in my head in bed are my ticket to dreams… I have this seamless Hollywood transition from words on paper/LCD to images that engulf me… It’s a really nice aspect of having my particular mind… One of the very, very few aspects I unambiguously like… Quarter to two… I miss being outside… I keep saying that and I keep not doing anything about that… It has to do with numbers… I loved it so much, being out there, talking and experiencing the night… I remember just riding my bike out into the forest and just spend afternoons reading… I read Cocteau’s Opium in a forest… All of it. I hide in the tiny places, the infinitesimal details of my experiences… Yet I’m always looking for the big things… Quite… I can’t think of the word… I only get the feeling and it won’t translate into language… Not right now… It ends with a feeling of humiliation though…

Wednesday 22 February 2006 2:32   talkback

Long day yesterday… Turned into early morning as I talked to Dries out on his balcony… I get scared by irrationality, I get confused by the world… The telephone rang and I had to get things done. It’s been a strange day. One wonders about things such as the noosphere or the Morphogenetic field… Even though I’m quite sceptical of anything that’s supposed to be more than the low down dirty version of reality… The house is a bit of a mess… I’ve dirty dishes everywhere, the place needs to be vacuumed. Most of all I need sleep. Tomorrow there’s a trip west, by way of the south and back the same way… It’s gonna be a long day too… I don’t mind the full days. I don’t think so much… It’s only in the lost moments of a day, when you find yourself staring into nooks and crannies in the wall, when you hear yourself say something out loud, which is an allusion to something that you might have been thinking about, a verbal response to a semi-conscious internal discussion… Those are the times that time halts and the day seems to consist of eternities stringed together solely by the various forms of human contact. I notice that when it’s a day when the sphere of isolation is unbreached, time toys with me and has its’ way with me for a long time, before its’ normal passage returns… Something about remembering some explicit scene, something about the brutal jokes afterwards, something about that not being real communication but more of a social, pack-like ritual, more animalistic… Something about never sliding into sleep voluntarily… Letting go of letting go… Like a woman trying to orgasm… Being unnuanced in thought, lecherous with words, uncontrolled, immature at life… Gripped by ennui like the lethal squeeze of a constrictor…. “You need people around you”… “People that understand and challenge you”… I need money, I think… I need freedom, I know… I need air and water and food and shelter and I need to try to be less of a burden on the environment, including other people’s sensitivities… I need to gag all the little voices inside my head… I need to let the little people on the ends of my arms, all ten of them, talk their talk, walk their insane little jerky walk and found their country, let them write their constitution and laws, build their monuments and mausoleums… But I don’t because maybe, just maybe they scare me… They scare me with their voracity, their disrespect for my private thoughts and feelings, the delicate bounds, filaments formed over the treacherously slipping years with other people and other people’s people and their thoughts and dreams and frustrations and illusions and madness… Or maybe I’m just too goddamn lazy to finally snap out of my cage of ancient illusionary boundaries and give reign to the truer, deeper, stronger entity or entities that are contained within me and who perhaps, after all is said and done, with the sickening, vertigo-inducing 20-20 hindsight, are more deserving of the time spent on this planet, breathing this air, metabolizing this food -no meat, no fish, no additives of the aforementioned, except the curd used to make cheese, which is fabricated from one of the four stomachs of a calf… E631 is in most cases… -, thinking these thoughts, savouring and agonizing over these memories, dreaming these dreams, hoping these thing will come to pass and have the fear and yearning towards the great darkness ahead… I don’t want to sound too schizophrenic or paranoid, now… Words are failing, that’s okay, they always seem to do that, in one or the other way, I get frustrated, choked, become fear’s prey, end up alone, here, welcoming another day… Without sleep. Hope for dreams… Take me back to the apocalypse, that well-traveled land I call my dreamland… No need for a constitution. No need to make choices… It always swallows me whole with that architecture and those… Clouds…

Monday 20 February 2006 18:10   talkback

NP: CausaliDox – (2005-07-27) The Day The Sky Fell

I managed to get the rhythm of things and slept through Sundaynight. Monday came and I did the things that needed to be done, I played squash and though Zieg won, we were on par once more. Had a conversation with Dries and it seems we’ve finally succeeded in planning a get-together… Looking forward to that… I’ve been fumbling about with my latest track, mixing it down, pumping it up and I seem to be getting somewhere, but nowhere near a palatable endresult. I’m slowly getting the hang of it though… Wish I had some more time to fuck about… Saturday started out fine, but as the night progressed I got more and more drawn into that evil cycle and I fucked up… I was glad to be lying in bed, really quietly reading away my sci-fi stories from the past century… I’m coming close -or so it seems- to some critical mass… I have to be careful that I don’t let it get out of hand… Wouldn’t want that… No siree… The feelings I’ve been having for a long time now, still haven’t subsided… It’s tough. I have a real problem letting go. It’s something that’s cropping up in many aspects of my life. Problems with letting go and when letting go, problems with letting it get out of hand… I’m glad I’ve spent a bit of time making music. I like my music. Not that it deserves critical acclaim or anything, but I like it, because it’s such a direct expression… My expression… It gives me somewhat of a mirror. Perhaps it’s a distorted view, but who knows what the unabridged original is like… Could be worse even, right? Time to head out to the store and by some groceries. Busy week. Good. OK computer

Sunday 19 February 2006 11:29   talkback

I’m stumbling amiss into darkness… Metal for vapid liquor missing it’s aim… Rigidity quarterly and no one to blame… Flatus vocis projection perplexed… The art of silence unchecked… I’m fumbling with essence… Traction lost… Controlled elation is too high a cost… Fuck

Saturday 18 February 2006 15:01   talkback

NP: Philip K. Dick – Hour 25 Interview 1977

Once again with the dreams… I was in a small room to which, over time, many people came and went, but the universal constant were the mice… Everywhere you looked there was a mouse. I tried to kill them all, got some help from a dog at some point, but we weren’t too succesful… Sliding the couch to one side, the bed to the other, looking in plastic bags, they just hid and scurried from an uncovered hide-out to a new one… I killed a few, by stomping them to death, I killed them by smashing them with something, or rather stunning them, then stomping on ’em… In fact they were quite cute and funny, but I didn’t hesitate to end their lives. It was a strange experience. It was a strange little room. As always it was part of some larger structure, larger architecture and at times I found myself roaming the halls and the other small rooms… 

Yesterday a quick up and down trip. In the evening I was too tired to stay up long. Had some nasty experience with the tv. Hurled my imagination into areas that I’d been avoiding… Sleep came fast, from the words to the weird dreams… The ascent to consciousness was hard, seeing was hard, the light -as little as there was- was harsh… Here’s Saturday, unfortunately already in it’s late summer, I need to face the world and get some sustenance, I’ll do a few km’s on my weslo… Tonite there’s Vitalic… Quite neutral towards that. I don’t want to drink too much. I miss being in the woods… It’s been quite a long time…

Friday 17 February 2006 9:15   talkback

I knew this would happen. I got into bed at half past ten, slept ’til three and woke up… Never to get to sleep again… Goddamnit… I’m reading alot of A. C. Clarke’s short stories. Amazing that they were written in the fifties and yet read as if they were written at the end of the century… Long trip to and fro’ today… Hard to go down… I sure am a mess at times… Gotta go…

Thursday 16 February 2006 15:23   talkback

NP: The Fun Boy Three – Tunnel Of Love

I feel alienated. Abandonment… I’m tired, anxious… Been working. Slept, don’t recall any dreams… It seems to go up and down, these days. One day I feel like shite, the next I feel good… Energylevels fluctuating like mad… If I didn’t know any better, I’d say my biorhythm is totally screwed up… There’s rain. I like the rain. Been listening to eighties tracks. I think I’ll switch to ambient. I like it when there’s just not enough light to light the day…

Wednesday 15 February 2006 22:53   talkback

I went to bed early yesterday and had the strangest dream… I don’t recall much of it, but there’s one bit that scared the shit out of me… Somehow I got torn apart… Literally, I was two parts of the same being, but separate… But I (we) didn’t like that, so we (I) tried to regain our unity… Which required an enormous physical effort. It was like an enormous weight was pressing down on my whole body as I pulled mysel(ves)f further together… I had a hard time breathing and I woke up panting and sweating… Heavy shit. I got up at 7:30, did the dishes, had breakfast, folded laundry and went to work. At 13:00 I played some (incredibly lame) squash… Got home, showered, went to a meeting, went to the grocer’s, got home, had dinner and it’s 23:16… Goddamn… Talked a bit online, just now… Feel like a bit of horizontal reading… Won’t be long before the eyes fall shut, though… My stomach’s been acting weird all day… Perhaps those goddamn nasty brötchen… I read that someone in Buenos Aires was playing CausaliDox-tracks on his dying soundcard… That’s a weird-ass thing to know 😉 Well… I have some people to get back to… And I’ve tried to get to it today… Didn’t pan out, yet… But maybe I’ll have a look-see in a minute… It’s good to be tired… I know there’s alot of emotion boiling under the surface, but I’m too tired to let it out… My mind… Fuck…

Tuesday 14 February 2006 16:35   talkback

Somebody was trying to kill his carbattery by honking it for close to half an hour… I guess it must have finally worked or somebody got even more annoyed than I was. Monday’s been busy. Today I feel bad. Not because of the obvious reason (lonely, sad, abandoned on Valentine’s day), but because I’ve been coughing and feeling queasy. I hadn’t had a hit of a joint in a long time and maybe it’s because of that, or maybe it’s because I sat next to a girl who was a bit flu-ish, that I feel so… So… I don’t know… Not well, in any case. My dreams are still trying to outdo Hollywood. My friend abroad has finally started writing legibly… It looks like a rough kinda fun… Found some people online who were part of my weird younger years. I suspect we’ll even meet IRL sometime soon. The new project is progressing, but there are other concerns. Money as always is a mean bitch. I feel weak, tired… I have to do some more work… I have to get some fluids into me. I have to stop remembering. I want stasis for a few weeks, months… I want to read some more of those stories… I gotta go

Monday 13 February 2006 1:15   talkback

It was a weird sort of party, last night… There was lots of wodka, but I didn’t have too much… It was actually the red wine, after all the wodka had gone, that did me in… My god… I tried to sleep, but it wouldn’t work… I kept waking up with an enormous headache… I’d had a few hits of a joint… Which didn’t go over well either… coughing and shit, this morning… well, afternoon actually… It was around 7 pm when I got up… Had some food, drank some water, sat down quietly… Now I want to go to bed… I actually am excited getting up and working tomorrow… I sincerely hope that this new operation will bring some real perspective as it pertains to financial freedom… We’ll see… We’ll see…

Saturday 11 February 2006 19:50   talkback

NP: Nine Inch Nails – Right Where It Belongs

I woke. I’m me… Still… It was a long climb back out of the darkness… Work lightened my mood a bit… It’s dark again outside. I need to eat something, I need a shower. There’s a party tonite… I’ll drink some alcohol tonite… I’ll sleep tomorrow… I’ll wait for Monday to come for me. Confusion is a stern mistress… Perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad to live in a mindconstruct… What is our realityperception, but a function of our brian? Right?

Saturday 11 February 2006 8:03   talkback

I’m sitting here, shaking… Trying to get a buzz from the last drops of alcohol present in my system… Trying to forget that one time I had friends, trying to forget that not even that long ago, somebody loved me, sort of… Trying to forget the hours ahead, emptiness flooding my future as a black tsunami, vacuum too abhorrent not to be filled by cruel nature, filled with more of the same damp, depressing swampdeath… I complain too much. Fuck it. I’m surprised I can hit the keys on this keyboard, I’m shaking so much… It’s a weird feeling. It’s getting more intense. I need something… Maybe I don’t need anything at all, maybe I need less… Maybe I just need to calm down, take some prozac and think things over, accept, adjust, conform, capitulate, acquiesce… Goddamn the time that’s ahead of me, goddamn these brains, goddamn that son of a bitch that shot her full of semen and produced me… It’s not going to end for quite some time. It’s going to be much more of the same… She’s looking the other way… I can’t even think of you any more, without feeling guilty, ashamed, hurt… I miss you, but yeah… I feel the viciousness of lust for life, the arrogance of stupid lifeforce… I understand the urge to end… Much is going on these days, much is edging towards precipices and we don’t mind, we don’t even acknowledge it… I hope you think of me… I hope you don’t curse my living bones. I hope I can sleep and sleep and sleep until I wake up and everything is different. I’d be someone else. No longer me. Another’s dream…

Wednesday 8 February 2006 3:22   talkback

Stayed up too long. Yeah… Fuck… Tomorrow I have to get up quite early, get some work done, clean up a bit, before heading out to H-town for a businessmeeting. I hope I can sleep. Played two rounds of squash today, so physically, yeah… It was nice. My finger seems ok and so does my elbow… I guess the rest helped a bit. It seems communication is a luxury, these days… Or at least a matter of getting past corporate scrutiny… I hate that my hair goes floppy everytime I use that shampoo… I need a haircut. I hate doing dishes… Goddamnit… I’m no good at incremental cleaning. Things aren’t going so well. In more ways than one. But that’s the way it always seems to be, so I’m used to that… Half past three… Damn. I wish I could sustain a rhythm… Remembering getting up early Saturday or Sundaymornings 15 years ago, Anne Clark in my ears… Cassettes back then, no digital formats… Waiting, wishing for the night to come, for the day to pass quickly, so I could be with my girl. Seeds of chaos already germinating… Looking for confusion… Now all I seek, all I want is clarity… I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop…

Tuesday 7 February 2006 1:56   talkback

I’m tired. I hope to get some good sleep tonite… There’s alot of fucked up shit going on right now. I take issue with anyone or anything infringing upon anyone’s freedom of speech… Therefore, in an effort to mock all religion, not just the one that is affiliated with the symbol below, I present you with this, my own cartoon:

The “Power” of Religion

I’ve said it many times before, as I have felt it many times before, but I do feel like there is something coming… Maybe it’s taking its’ sweet time, cuz I’ve been feeling this for years… Maybe it’s just in my head… Still, the illusion of safety holds, but for how long, one wonders… The longer I live, the more I become aware of the entanglement… This split photonpair straddle, a superstate of psychological being and biological being… One affects the other instanteneously, but they are discrete… And no, I’m not talking about women… Well, I am, but not just that… It’s getting harder by the year and the clarity I thought I had towards life has become obscured by… By what? If only I knew… Inadequacy…

Monday 6 February 2006 15:30   talkback

This sleepproblem is starting to get annoying. I’m not sure how to handle this. No squash today. I feel it wouldn’t be a good idea. Tomorrowevening there are two matches back to back, so I’ll save my strength for that… I’m in the office, the blinds are drawn. No need to see the world today. Got some communicating to do. Mail that needs to be sent. My throat aches. I feel whiney… And tired.

Monday 6 February 2006 2:16   talkback

I got rather drunk Saturdaynight and I somehow got thrown into this rage… Completely out of the blue… Started maliciously (verbally) attacking this girl. No reason at all. I guess there’s a bit of anger in me, I haven’t yet dealt with… The next thing I did was, after hours, I tried to get arrested, but ended up having quite a harsh conversation with some police officers about how it scares me that they will be making decisions that will affect our freedom to voice our opinions… And to think that night started so well… Pretty uncharacteristic behaviour for me… It wasn’t the booze, although that helped… Too much inner turmoil, I guess… I’m sorry I lashed out at that girl… I don’t regret my conversation with the cops though…

Friday 3 February 2006 17:18   talkback

I don’t feel so well… I’m coughing a bit… It’s still cold. I need to go out and buy some bread… I’m wondering if there’ll be any snow later this weekend… It looks pretty dark…

Friday 3 February 2006 05:15   talkback

I couldn’t stop… I needed to let her know… She won’t be happy about it… I don’t think… Perhaps I shouldn’t have… Perhaps I’m making a fool out of myself… I just know it hurts, still… So much sometimes… I’m letting it all slip out of my hands again… I think I’ll never learn…

Wednesday 1 February 2006 20:22   talkback

NP: CausaliDox – Last Straw

Had a weird night, got up, showered, put on clothes, ran out the door and drove out to our client… Afterwards, back home, I had a bite to eat and set out to finish the new track… I’m pretty pleased with it, although the vocals aren’t quite there yet… Not gonna get into that tonite though… Was actually looking for something to do tonite… But it seems this town is dead on Wednesdays… So ehm… I don’t know… Not sure what comes next tonite… Perhaps just sleep… I’m still tired… I’ll see…

Tuesday 31 January 2006 13:28   talkback

I am so incredibly fucking tired… I sleep and I sleep and I sleep, but it just never seems enough… I used to be ok with 6 hours, but now it seems like 24 hours isn’t enough… I wonder if there’s a physical cause or if it’s maybe just an effect of psychological and emotional turmoil… Who knows? Who cares… I want to sleep… Tomorrow I have to get up quite early and I dread it already… There seems to be some strange mechanism at work within me, which is responsible for preventing me from getting to sleep whenever I know I have to get up early… Yesterday I had fun playing squash with Mikey and Zieg… Got socked in the jaw, nearly knocked me down… Fortunately no swelling to speak of… Today another round of squash around 5, then home, shower, food and sleep… I can’t think beyond tomorrow right now…

Monday 30 January 2006 3:07   talkback

Tendrils of mindmatter, phantoms and shades of the echoes in my soul, that darkest cave in the depths of me where you once brought me your light, these things reverberate thunderous and penetrate with skillful agonizing nerve-destructiveness my thinking, the windings and hollows of my emotions… The hours of mycelial presence of you, images of you, memories of you, my anamnestic capacities limited to limp spectatorship, looking as through a curtain, veiled, envious of my past self, my interactions and whispers… I miss you… I scream from within, the walls of the cave tremble… I miss you… As I stare at the afterimages of your light in my darkness… My thoughts fancy a boundlessness to their travel, their capacity to reach out, unaware of the confines of the skull… Trying to reach you, trying to understand… Trying to communicate… But there is naught save the vastest expanses of innerspace, devoid of light and sparser in its’ scattered matter than the galaxy it endeavours to mimick…

Sunday 29 January 2006 15:24   talkback

Wanted to go out yesterday, but I didn’t. I was tired and I didn’t want to spent more money… So I hung out here… Literally hung, cuz I was still so jackhammered… Then eventually I went back to bed… It seems like I can sleep forever these days… I read a bit more Russell and re-read a bit of Stephenson before turning off the lights and falling… It was quite a tumble… I remember buying a new car, some sort of KIA utility vehicle and then driving it off the car-lot, I somehow ended up inside, driving over the set of a science-fiction movie, quite dark and grey, with all these strange structures on the floor… After a while the dream changed… And I dreamt about seeing you… That was painful… I woke up not too long after that… I must have tried to get up at least 4 times, but I couldn’t… And even now, I’m still tired… Well… There’s alot to do today, so I’ll have to get on that…. There are dishes that have been piling up since the Nixon administration, there’s laundry to be done, otherwise I won’t have any clean clothes for the upcoming busy week… Fortunately my food is cooked and ready, so no work there… I really hope I’ll get some time to fuck about with this new track I’m working on… The weatherreport says it can’t say whether it’ll stay this cold. I don’t mind really, either way. I can’t get responses to my e-mails, it seems… There’s much going on inside my head… I worry, I try to get my emotions under control… I think it’s the reason I sleep this much… I’m wondering where life is gonna take me next… (…to the kitchen to do dishes, ya putz 😛 )

Saturday 28 January 2006 9:09   talkback

Kid606 sucked ass… The party at the T wasn’t great either but the people were fun and that face is just amazing… Mesmerizing… I’ll try to keep her in mind while I try to find sleep now… Try not to think of you… Sleep, sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep perchance to dream…

Friday 27 January 2006 22:38   talkback

NP: AFX – W32.Deadcode.A

I slept for 14 hours last night… I’m really punchy. There’s a conspiracy to keep me semi-conscious… I’ve spent money on a ticket to see Kid 606, but I’m so loopy… I wish I’d really feel like going out tonite, but I really don’t… I was thinking about going to another party afterwards, but I don’t think I will… I want to be making music actually… Read a bit… I do feel like going out, but physically i’m not up to it… It’s like i’m in forced hibernation… In one respect it’s been beneficial… It’s keeping my mind off things… But yeah… No, I want this to end… I just don’t wanna today… 🙁

Thursday 26 January 2006 19:14   talkback

New phones, sore elbow, not enough sleep, not enough time… It’s pretty goddamned cold… But that’s okay, I guess… I need a few hours… My dreams are reaching fever pitch…

Monday 23 January 2006 22:26   talkback

Didn’t get much sleep, but I did get to finish Paul Auster’s Brooklyn Follies… It was a gift and I have to say, I thoroughly enjoyed it… We had a crash this morning… Strange stuff, we’re looking into it… There was squash, which was kind of hard, cuz I was tired, but still awake enough to come out on top… Home, shower, dinner… Zonin’ out in front of borrowed tv-shows, getting cold, getting tired… On a hunch I found a picture of someone I used to know. Threw me a bit. Guess that some people never truly leave your mind, your soul and when you see their faces, it connects. So… I feel weird. I’m tired. I chose Bertrand Russell’s History of Western Philosophy as my bedfellow. I’m predicting ten to fifteen pages max and I’m out… Don’t want to think too far ahead. Don’t want to think too much, period… Well… I guess I contradicted myself just now, cuz, you know… That book… Look, I don’t need that now… Something about dreams of dead stars, something about sleep as a dark cavern far underground, deep in the bedrock… Something about the color of eyes, the smell inside thighs and ergot on rye… Deliverance from physical bounds, interstellar flight… Something about the end of the night… Always too soon…

Monday 23 January 2006 1:41   talkback

It’s gonna get cold tonite… Minus ten centigrade. Nice… Good old winter creeping over our plains… I’ve been missing you and thinking about you a great deal the past few weeks… I still get paralyzed by the feelings I have for you… I had a busy day today… Cleaning up, usual stuff… Some time ago we finished the house, everything’s up and hangin’ on walls… So that’s good… There’s still stuff standing around in the hallway and the spare bedroom, but I’ll clear that away sometime soon. Business could go better, but it’s January, so yeah… Still… Life got lots more expensive since the new year. I do notice that. A few days ago I thoroughly enjoyed a discussion with a friend about real (or imagined, for that matter) fundamentals of reality… There were things I didn’t want to hear about, about progeny and suspicions… We -sort of- planned a trip across the USA, but the date is still in dispute… There were some parties, there was fatigue, which made me miss at least one party… I haven’t been feeling all that well, lately… Very tired, very sad… Very much recounting past experiences and reliving intense emotions. Books don’t help in that respect either, although I’ve had the good fortune of reading some magnificent stuff… I’ve had some ideas, probably not all too original, but still, arrived at on my own. Has to count for something… spun at T-club with J, which was scary, fun, weird… Got asked back, planned another nite with M at that basement… I liked her drunk, nuzzling me, so soft and doe-eyed… I liked her with that candor, that ambition, the evading eyes that finally did lock mine… I like her pouring drinks, a bit rough around very pretty edges… There might be more for me to write, but I need to sleep, need to get up early tomorrow, make phonecalls… It never fails, my fingers on the keys, the soft rattling, the humming of the connection between my brain and my extremities… I love writing and I’m never ever doing enough of it… There’s restraint because of the outlet, there’s restraint because of emotions and there’s restraint because of time… I miss you. I can’t not feel this way… I miss you. I still do. I think about you and me. I’m not paralyzed in my life. I’m not pining away, not waiting beyond reason, but still there’s the image of you and your eyes, your smile, the words you say and the things you do to me, just by being you… It’s gonna get cold tonite, they said it might get as low as ten degrees centigrade. That’s okay. I like the cold. Better than heat. It’s okay, cuz the stars will be more fierce. They will shine down upon our little blue ball with such superiority, without resorting to condescension or disgust, but still a far, far cry from the dark pits of our existence. To feel completely humbled and insignificant is to experience eternity. To do it alone is tragic… Yeah. Words… Goddamnit…

Tuesday 17 January 2006 20:48   talkback

tired… sad…

Monday 9 January 2006 11:39   talkback

NP: Jay-z – Fuck All Nite

It’s sunny, but stonecold. Somebody rang my doorbell this morning, but I was a little too late, no note in my mailbox… I don’t know who it was… I dreamt I was witnessing some huge disaster… What’s up with these apocalyptic dreams, doc? Got some phonecalls to make. This afternoon there’ll be squash. In the evening S is dropping by which is nice… Having a flashback to a conversation a few days ago… I wonder if it’s true… Wonder if I care… But still it might be pertinent for me to pick it up as an encouragement…

Monday 9 January 2006 3:06   talkback

Didn’t get too sleep on time. Didn’t expect to either, really… It’s cold… Did the dishes, vacuumed, had dinner, watched some television, had some depressing thoughts and some guilt about that as well… Ah, it’s such a nice little paradoxical package, ain’t it… I liked that bit about the moon being beautiful only by grace of the reflected light from the sun… Are things, people, that would be beautiful in the light, be it real light, or the light of another person, an accomplishment or public opinion, still beautiful if they remain darkened? If a bear farts in the woods, do the squirrels hear or smell it? I talk to myself sometimes… Particularly when I haven’t had enough sleep. I think I might do it to keep myself awake… Or maybe I just feel a need to vent… Perhaps that’s what it is… A kind of pressure-valve… I’m approaching an age where I should feel comfortable with some or even most adult concepts. But I don’t. I’m not. Goddamn it’s cold…

Sunday 8 January 2006 21:11   talkback

Went out to R’s birthday. It was a nice party, which got bigger than I expected. Later on we went out and that was fun too, though too short once again. No problem, whatever. Got home and sat around, a bit dazed. When I did finally get to sleep, I got sucked into many strange dreams… Very disconcerting… I woke up too soon and strangely sad… I sat on the couch in the dark, thinking, for a few hours. I still feel sad. It’s okay though, there’s gonna be a busy week to pour myself into. I’ve gotta do some dishes, haven’t had supper yet, should do a little vacuuming… I don’t mind… It’s still early, I’ll just make a quiet night of it. Yeah… Bit frazzled, bit quiet…

Saturday 7 January 2006 5:44   talkback

Just got back… There were these flyers everywhere with my name on ’em… Guess it kinda freaked me out a little bit, but ok, I can roll… It was a weird nite… Lots of people I know and barely know came up to me tonite, talked to me, some of them took issue with me, I guess? There were some pretty girls there… But they reminded me of you and brought up the question why you chose not to be with me… Didn’t do much for my confidence… I got a bit more loose near the end, but I think I’m a bit more tired than I thought… The vodka tasted good tonite, I won’t deny it… I loved it. It helped me a bit more than other nights to let go… Unfortunately, by the time I was ready to have a good time, the club closed… What’s up with this fucking town? Clubs close at 4 am on a friday… What the hell happened? I remember mornings coming out of bars around 10 am… Yeah… Things definitely changed… I talked to M about that for a while, before going home… I hate that my coat smells of smoke… My clothes smell of smoke… I wonder which of the looks were real and which ones were fake… Same goes for the smiles… I can’t believe I’m already back here…. Just under 4 hours I spent out there… It gets me lonely, this realization… I don’t understand people, in general, in particular… I guess I’m just a dumb guy… I can’t quite put my finger on it… There’s something…. It’s nearly 6 am on a Saturday and I’m bored… I’ve got nothing to do for the next 48 hours, but yeah, here I am… Alone and bored… Goddamnit, I don’t know how I pictured my life when I was younger, but I’m sure I didn’t picture it like this…

Friday 6 January 2006 20:12   talkback

NP: Jay-z – Nigga Please

Bought a second hand hometrainer… Nice to be doing some distance in my livingroom… Been on that thing now twice since I bought it yesterday. Yesterday @ was here, we had dinner, we were supposed to get out a bit but eventually we hung about talking about music and such… An evening well spent. I sometimes have a hard time understanding people, in many ways, actually… Still a bit quiet today… Talked to some friends online, been talking to SmAids the last couple of days… Talking about our tentative plans for travel later this year… Tonite there’s a new nite at the consonant club, think I’ll check it out. Feel like getting out for a bit… Squash got cancelled cuz Zieg’s got a sore shoulder, Mikey hasn’t surfaced yet… Another reason to get on the Weslo… Quick bite to eat now… Have to do some laundry… Maybe a bit of reading or something… Maybe I’ll make some music…. Guaka’s goin’… Bien viaje amigo…

Wednesday 4 January 2006 10:16   talkback

We got some work done yesterday, averted a crisis of sorts and discussed some of the things to come. All in all it’s a bit quiet still, but that’s normal, since the year’s just started. Played a long bout of squash, we really went at eachother, but I still feel as though I gave the game away, since I had him down 3 sets within a few minutes and then I sorta, kinda hyped myself out of it, out of my streak… We talked about it a bit afterwards… It’s weird, like when you do shroomz… Or something, I don’t know… It’s the same question now, as it was back then… If this is true, these observations, what consequences can you extrapolate, what rules apply, how to use this…? We (I) never got around to answering that, so I guess I won’t know unless something changes. In the evening I didn’t do much… Created another track that sounds weird to me… And I’m not even sure if I like it, but okay… There it is… Watched some lame-ass show about Alien Gods and went to bed shortly after that… I must have fallen asleep really fast. I wish I had some place to go today… I’d like to get out for a bit, do something… Go for a walk, perhaps… See somebody… Perhaps it’s ‘cuz my lunchdate got cancelled… Bite to eat and then maybe some shopping… That has to get done either way, so…

Tuesday 3 January 2006 12:14   talkback

NP: Death in Vegas – Diving Horses

My left eye keeps twitching… Stayed awake ’till 9 last nite… Then I just collapsed into bed and slept until I woke around 5 am. I woke the second time around 8:30. I showered, had breakfast… The sun is out now. Unfortunately my office is on the shadowsite of my building. I’m nervous about calling… Things keep moving on… People move on. Spreading myself too thin over the years, maybe… It’s cold still, but I’m already lunging forward toward summer. As if there’s some magical quality to it, that’ll set me free, make me happy again. Will bring back nights filled with joy and friends and promise… Last summer didn’t…

Monday 2 January 2006 11:55   talkback

NP: CausaliDox – (2005-12-31) Jeff’s Coming (Hard Thrusts)

Never got to sleep again last night. Instead read most of the night. Ate breakfast around 8 am, did some dishes, mucked about with the puter for a bit… Talked to K2 and am still frustrated about Traktor… Gotta get into that soon sometime, January 20 is coming soon. Maybe I should cancel…? I’m as groggy as I was last night… Perhaps even more so… From the reading, the emotions, the dishes (that still aren’t finished)… I gotta stay awake and get some shit done today… Then I need to go to bed on time… It’s so fucking grey outside…

Monday 2 January 2006 3:26   talkback

Had a strange week. Saturday found me without sleep. I squashed Zieg and drove K and R to A-town, came home, had dinner and went to sleep. I woke four hours later and headed into town, mildly freaked by the explosions going off all over… After a short stay indoors we headed out to the DR-club and waited in line for a bit. Inside, I got into a better mood as I woke up, slowly. I guess I kind of surrendered to the moment. Strange how that always leaves me with an aftereffect, a sort of hangover, perhaps guilt… I had fun with the people I was with… I drank, until I noticed it wasn’t going anywhere, then switched to water. Got an unexpected call, sent out a few messages to one of which I received a reply that… Yeah… I got home, but I couldn’t sleep, so I read. I was noticing the effects of the alcohol more and more and I thankfully surrendered to sleep when it came for me. I woke a few times, but forced myself back to sleep each time. Not willing to let the hangover get me. I finally woke around midnight, some three and a half hours ago. Got up a bit, had a bite to eat and watched the news… I’m feeling groggy, so I’ll try and get some sleep in before the sun comes up. I’ll try and have a “normal” day tomorrow. I feel a bit lost in the night. I feel a bit lost in my emotions and thoughts. There’s a fog hanging over the trees and inbetween the buildings outside. The orange streetlights glow like swamplights through the haze. I’ve been thinking about new years’ resolutions, but it’s not going to work for me. I feel as if all of this is transient, ephemeral, fleeting… Ice in a warm hand, a sandcastle too close to the shore, perhaps even as imaginary and evanescent as figures in clouds… I’m wondering how long I can keep the illusions from disappearing. I’m wondering how long my quay of steadfastness will hold out against the pounding oceanwaves of solitude and doubt… Oh… Happy new year.

Wednesday 28 December 2005 2:18   talkback

Slept for much of the day Monday, woke up and headed out. First into town, to a party, but it wasn’t for me… Then off to the D-club, where I had fun drinking and dancing and watching… Getting my hair ruffled is nice… Came home somewhat intoxicated. Slept all day today… In the evening I made my first tracksince the move. Talking to pH a bit… I’ll go sleep in a few, but I’m just gonna enjoy myself a bit longer, watch some movie or something… I’m calm right now.

Monday 26 December 2005 7:40   talkback

Spent most of the day in bed, until Guaka called a second time around seven thirty in the evening… Talked to him a bit and proceeded to hang in front of television in semi-braindead state… After 3 am I decided to use the night for some practical stuff and so I’ve been doing laundry and dishes up ’till half an hour ago. Next I’ll do some vacuuming and then I’ll have something to eat. Sort of breakfast, but not really. I miss you. Time went by fast… I think of you alot these days… I hope you think of me sometimes. I’m glad christmas is over. I don’t hate it, but I don’t like the fact that everything’s closed and perhaps the fact that it’s supposed to be this… I don’t know… “Shared” holiday makes me a bit queasy. Tonite there’s a party I might attend. Or not. Depending on how this day is gonna go… It’s been quiet. I’m still not sure what I’ll do for new year’s eve. I don’t think I want to be alone. I’m not sure. I don’t want to be alone. I think…

Sunday 25 December 2005 3:54   talkback

Wednesday was nice, good food, good company, good drink… The rest of the week we got everything done that needed to get done. It worked out. Been falling into a hole again since yesterday… Big hole. Deep hole… I hurt, I can’t let go… I can’t imagine or hope… It just hurts… And yeah… The whining gets tiresome and nobody likes a sadfuckgrimface, but fuck it. I got so mad… Don’t even know why exactly… D should’ve been here, but I guess his life caught up to him. We’re all drowning… Or not, maybe just basking, floating… I don’t know. Seems like most of us are drowning, though. Saw M today. Went out yesterday. Slept alot. Gonna sleep alot soon. Sleep away christmas. Like fucking the hurt away, but less fun. Not even close, I guess. Opium crosses my mind sometimes. It’s gonna get cold next week. No problem. 4 am. The pit. And I keep thinking of you. Yeah, I know…

Tuesday 20 December 2005 7:27   talkback

All the people I’ll never meet, all the places I’ll never see, all the clouds that will not sail above me… All the things I’ll never know… This night is hurting me in ways I did not imagine possible. This is a hole inside of me, widening to envelop, to engulf all there is, it’s everything, all at once and I can never reach it, I can never understand, I can never see and hear, touch and feel, smell and taste. I will never and I am bitterly, painfully aware of that fact. It’s the desire pouring out of my pores, growing larger and larger until it has to find a way out of me, there is energy leaking from me in all directions… All the things I’ll never do, all the dreams I’ll never dream, all the sleep I’ll never have… All the tears I’ll cry and the tiny oceans, oceanic worlds filled with my failures and fears and frustrations, all the hurt I feel, all the abandonment I endure from times past until that day somewhere in the future where I’ll lay alone dying under stars or sun, regretting so much, never enough, never enough, never sufficient, never enough.. All this impotence is raging like a typhoon over my waters, all this inadequacy is displacing the structures of hope in my desert, a desert where the time of my life is multiplied into eternity, in innumerable amounts of grains of sand and the sheer loss, the pre-emptive capitulation… I do not know how to live. I do not know what to do with this strangest of gifts. I do not know how to be me. I do not know what to want. I do not know how I know that this will never change… Not even death will end this yearning, this suffering… I do not understand me or what constitutes me or what constitutes that which identifies me as me… “Es gab Ewigkeiten, in denen er nicht war; wenn es wieder mit ihm vorbei ist, wird sich nichts begeben haben. Denn es gibt für jenen Intellekt keine weitere Mission, die über das Menschenleben hinausführte. “ My words are failing, I cannot describe anything, I do not even know if the thing that was invented, erected from words is real, is here… ” Man darf hier den Menschen wohl bewundern als ein gewaltiges Baugenie, dem auf beweglichen Fundamenten und gleichsam auf fließendem Wasser das Auftürmen eines unendlich komplizierten Begriffsdomes gelingt – freilich, um auf solchen Fundamenten Halt zu finden, muss es ein Bau wie aus Spinnefäden sein, so zart, um von der Welle mit fortgetragen, so fest, um nicht von jedem Winde auseinandergeblasen zu werden.” My words are failing… Am I ?

Friday 16 December 2005 17:54   talkback

NP: CausaliDox – (2005-10-22) Kool-Aid Karneval (Pre-Mix – Normalized)

Played squash four times this week and I felt like I could go another round today, but I guess it’s best that I don’t… There ain’t nobody to play with anyway… Work got a little nasty this week, but yeah, so that happens, right? Took care of quite alot of things that had to get done. Very close to being done with the house, but not quite yet. There was supposed to be a visitor this week, but I didn’t see anybody. Upgraded one of the puters again, the book arrived… I’m not happy with the layout for the livingroom mediadesk, it’s not comfortable when you need to do some work there… I have to figure something out. A kind of desk would be nice, so I could just scoot a chair under there when I need it and at other times it’d just be a table. But it shouldn’t be too high… I’m trying to get a night of live electronic music going. As a result of that I’ve been asked to do some dj’ing… Well, it’s been awhile, but with some creativity and practice I should be able to get the traktor rolling… 😉 I’ve been sniffling and coughing a bit… Just a bit though… I’m looking forward to a few days of just relaxing… It should get a bit more quiet in the coming weeks… I’m still hurting now and again. I’ve been wondering about me and my life. You just never get to an answer, it seems… I’m hungry, so I’ll do some dinner in a bit, then some cleaning and straightening the place out and then… Who knows… There’s two parties I could go to and of course I could always just go hang out in the city. I’m not sure yet. Maybe I’ll even stay home… You can never tell with me… I’m weird 😛

Tuesday 13 December 2005 12:12   talkback

NP: Rude 66 – a2 untitled 

Saturdaynight was fun. I liked what happened to my nose. It was cold. This town’s art-czars suck ass, but that’s nothing new. Sunday was somewhat extraordinary and sleepy, mostly. Monday I got so fucking sad. I fucked up my dinner (can’t remember the last time that happened). I went to bed quite early. Been replenishing my music collection. It goes too fast… My book’s coming. I’m gonna do the livingroom today. I want to be ready by Thursday. The cold has me tired. I need to do laundry again. I’m happy with the bike. I’m confused. And sad still, I guess. I hate this time of year. Well, no… I don’t care enough to hate it. But it’s inconvenient. The bedroom’s done. I need it to finish. My stomach is acting weird. My shoulders really hurt still…

Saturday 10 December 2005 18:05   talkback

NP: Beck – The Spirit Moves Me

The dinnertable worked out fine. The meeting went fine. The computer turned out fine. The book’s not here yet, but that’s fine. It’s cold, that’s fine. The party was fine. The groceries are fine. There’s laundry and dishes and they’re fine. There’s tonite and right here and that’s fine. A lot of fucking things are fucking fine. Why is there so much that’s fucked up then? 😐

Monday 5 December 2005 20:03   talkback

Got up quite early this morning, had breakfast and started on the dishes. Got the small bedroom cleaned up a bit. There was some work, I took care of some stuff, but I was slow going. Somehow I still am pretty tired, although I slept enough (or so I thought)… Buying a dinnertable tonite, with 4 chairs. Pretty excited ’bout that. It’s gonna look nice in the living room. Picking it up in just a bit. I’ve got this strange pain in my groin… It comes and goes and fans out into my stomach and leg… I feel really groggy today. After picking up the table with Zieg, we’ll play a round of squash and when I get home, I’ll probably head off to bed immediately. I feel like a fucking zombie… The new computer will arrive Wednesday. It’s gonna be fast and I’ll be able to do some real musicworx on it. Pff… I’m really fucking tired… After dinner dip, I guess… Zieg should be here any minute…

Sunday 4 December 2005 16:44   talkback

I did get on my bike last night and headed into the city. In fact, despite my misgivings -which, based on past experiences, are fairly realistic- I had a good time last night. Perhaps the most fun part of it was my attitude. I could, for just a tiny bit and a little while let go of my fierce clasp of myself. There were some invitations to parties, some alcohol and some faces…

When I got home I started writing. I’d started something new some time ago and I suddenly felt the urge to continue. I think I wrote for close to an hour, enveloped, in trance. It really felt good. Tried to fall asleep afterwards, but my thoughts kept racing, pictures floating in front of my minds’ eye. Things I remembered, things I’d imagined, vistas I’d dreamt about… When I did finally fall asleep it wasn’t refreshing, replenishing, it was fitful and too short. I hope short enough so that I can get enough sleep tonite. We’ll see.

I’m having spinach tonite. Goddamn right. Get some iron into me. I’ll forfeit the 8 tonite. It’s just a bit too much on top of moving the stuff from the storage box later on, cleaning the house -which I have to- and reconstructing the additional clothing cabinet and filling them, still unpacking boxes. There’ll be squash tomorrow I’m betting, so I’ll get exercise any which way.

I’ll have to concentrate on work this week. There’s only a few weeks left in the year and I want to make sure that we get everything done and set up some new stuff for the coming year. It’ll happen. It has got to. I’ve started reading a work about Sartre’s L’Être et le Néant, only to discover that the work itself is not included. The notes are interesting and I think I will keep reading them, but perhaps I should give myself a little gift and try to find the book at a reasonable price, perhaps from an antique bookshop. I’m trying to get back into reading some of the things I used to be so interested in…

Sunday 4 December 2005 0:55   talkback

I feel strange. It seems like I feel strange more than I feel normal. There is this cloud of possibility hanging around in a sky of consistent inertia. It’s Saturdaynight. I’m actually a bit bored. Hanging around, watching some stuff on tv. Thinking about driving somewhere… Wouldn’t know where to go. Would love to just hang out and talk to someone, but it’s not gonna happen tonite. It’s already too late for that… I could go out into the city, I probably will. But, yeah. I don’t know. I’m not sure I’d enjoy myself at all. Strange… Lately I have these conversations about how I lack the ability or will to engage in behaviour that could lead to bouts of casual sex. People think I’m a bit weird because of that. It’s not that I lack libido or anything, but… I dunno…

I want to take up doing my 8’s again, but I haven’t picked out a route, so I’ll maybe check out the maps tomorrow. Hopefully there will be 3 times squash again next week, I slacked a bit last week, cuz of a high level of alcohol. It’d been a while. I will be heading south sometime next week. Can’t believe December’s here. Give me freezing nights, clear and stars everywhere… I’d be happy just to be out there, outside, but not alone… I remember… I wish…

Wednesday 30 November 2005 17:33   talkback

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I’m tired. I haven’t slept much the past night, played squash and worked all day. I think I won’t stay up too long tonite. I moved a bookcase from my bedroom to the livingroom and stashed it with all my video’s, moviediscs and audiotapes… It’s loaded now. Still too many boxes around…

Mondaynight I met Guaka, pH and G at O for drinks. In fact we had lots of drinks… Trekking from O to E from E to K, where there was some rallying around 2 spanish girls. It was all a fine mix of hilarious and embarrassing. Eventually we left. I did take some pictures.

I’m still a bit sad. I guess I’ll go cook some dinner now and head to bed early. I need to get the house done, the car done, the bike fixed… I need a haircut and some happiness… I need to order a new pc and get more clients… I need to write and make music… I need sleep.

Tuesday 29 November 2005 6:53   talkback

:’-(

Monday 28 November 2005 0:03   talkback

Rode out to the city in the snow. The bike’s holding up. Arrived at the pre-party, where soon after lots of people started showing up. Hope the cat survived the night. Had a good conversation with this guy about tv-series and movies. He knew and appreciated Sorkin, which is a first for me, to meet someone like that in this country. Off to the club.

It was pretty crowded, cuz the venue sold out. Wandered around on my own a bit, before heading back to the group. Lots of ppl on substances, but I was so faded myself from sleep deprivation, strange hours and stress, that there wasn’t much of a difference. Saw and met Alex Smoke, after his performance, which had a bit of false start due to his soundcard giving him trouble, but he caught up quite nicely. Damn I like this dude’s music. He was a very nice guy, too. Pretty cool. He’s just finished a new album. Can’t wait to hear it. Told him he should do more with his voice. I didn’t like Mayer too much. He catered to Dutch taste, I thought, since he only stuck to tekno, although he finished his set with the newest release from Border Community.

It was a strange night for me. I liked the company, I liked having a few drinks… But also, to be told to be more outgoing in a sexual way was a bit… I don’t know. It has stuck with me and it confuses me a bit. Had some strange conversations and maybe it was the four letter substances, but there were these brief moments… The end of the evening was a bit disappointing, but finally outside, in the crisp morning air, I felt better. Took a walk I hadn’t in a while and that felt ok too. Luckily I feel more detached these days. I don’t feel included, but I’m happy to sometimes slip in. It was nice to hear J say he liked my Fields of Fornication. I took some pictures. Now for a bit of relaxing and then sleep. I have shit to do tomorrow…

Saturday 26 November 2005 18:17   talkback

NP: Chris Korda – Save The Planet (Kill Yourself)

I slept only about 3 hours Thursdaynight. I had to get up to play squash, but when I got back I just wasn’t able to deal. I woke around 4pm, trying to deal once again. Tough shit. I ate, hung around talking to pH and F, before venturing out into the wind and snow on my new (secondhand) bike… The thing is actually quite decent, although the gearsystem is a bit shoddy. Actually the bike wasn’t a problem at all compared to the state the roads were in. I nearly hit the deck 3 times, before arriving at the club to find out the party was cancelled due to the weather. Saw J for a sec, which was nice, very pretty that one. Went down the stairs and realized there wasn’t anybody I knew. Had a few drinks talked to the owner/dj and headed off again. Popped my head into Bbclub to see if M was spinnin’ but he wasn’t. So I headed back home… I walked for quite a bit, since cycling would be too dangerous.

Got home, talked to Dries for a while… Went to bed and fell asleep quite soon. It was cold. Woke up in the early afternoon, but decided that I wasn’t ready for life just yet, so I slept some more. Woke around 17:30 and felt quite nauseous, from hunger, from too much sleep? I don’t know… I’ve been having nightmares again. Really bad ones too… Oh well… Started the dishes just now and need to continue doing that… Tonite there’s Alex Smoke and Michael Mayer and I know quite a number of friends of mine will be there. I’m happy about having a place to go to tonite. I’ve been hanging out here by myself for too long.

I need to gain some pace… It’s been erratic these past few weeks, months, whatever… My emotions still beat the crap out of me on a regular basis… My mind still tortures me, whether awake or asleep…

Friday 25 November 2005 1:46   talkback

I miss you. It just washes over me, these waves of grief… My harddrive died also. I lost alot of data. I’m not sure how much or what exactly. It seems that the most important stuff was saved…

It was a busy week, which is good. But I’ve been sleeping strange hours and I look tired… I try to avoid my reflection. My eyes hurt. Played squash, then drove up to U to get a bike. It’s still in my car. It’s raining and snowing outside. The first snow since last year. I can’t believe how much time has gone by… I feel somewhat inconsolable at the moment. I guess I need to sleep, there’s work and sports tomorrow. Other stuff as well.

I sometimes get disoriented just being here by myself all the time… It shifts time on me… I lose track, wander around. I feel shit outta luck. I guess it’s okay to express this now. I try not to. I’m tired. Need to get the laundry from the machine. Guaka’s back. I guess misery strikes everywhere. My eyes hurt.

Tuesday 22 November 2005 0:12   talkback

Another box dies, but I hooked up the HD to the other one, so at least I can have music throughout the house. I think it’s the CPU. 🙁

Monday 21 November 2005 18:49   talkback

Took some pictures… I kinda like ’em. Dinner now.

Monday 21 November 2005 4:46   talkback

Anxiety comes closest, I guess. With every passing day I feel myself sliding deeper into the certainty that something is coming. Something bad and something big. My thoughts wander through the remnants of the events of the past year… My feelings, limp and amputated, feel -with muted nerves- all the mutilated emotions lying around, trying to recognize them. Sometimes succeeding, oftentimes just guessing. The images floating past, the words like windtalk… The touches chilling the disembodied memoryphantoms standing alongside a canal, in freezing woods, in a bed… My insides reach out, blind; there’s no way of knowing if there is anything to receive them, no way of knowing whether the part of me I found in you is still within you. I still feel you inside of me. Night is here. Something is coming. Something big… Something bad… I hope there’ll be something left afterwards. I truly do.

Sunday 20 November 2005 12:34   talkback

NP: Atom Heart – Milagro

Thought I had network troubles, turns out to be a fucked up cable… grmbl… Okay, it’s working again. Haven’t done the dishes yet, so that’s a treat for later on today… Slept only about 4 hours, feel a bit sickish today, so I cancelled squash. I need a bit more sleep.

I went to see Drillem last night (pictures here, which made me even more sad Adult. cancelled their Amsterdam show this summer. It was gimmicky and the only thing I did like were the noisy parts… The rest of the party was a bit too uptight for me… Did have a nice conversation with R and saw the lovely K, but I decided to leave after a while anyway.

Decided to check out the M club, which was more fun, saw some familiar faces, had a nice chat with G, saw this damn beautiful girl… Too bad I couldn’t have a drink, but I had fun anyway. Afterwards I gave G a ride and headed on home. I’ve been thinking too much about you lately… I ache… Hope you sometimes think of me.

I need to lie down for a bit now. Maybe read a little. I need to find a mailbox around here.

Saturday 19 November 2005 20:49   talkback

NP: Jay-Z – Show You How

Had S over for dinner Wednesdaynight. My first visitor at the new place. We had fun catching up and just goofing around. Very nice. Although it also got me thinking, I guess there are some things you can’t run away from. Thursday wasn’t such a great day for more reasons than one. In the evening I talked to SmAids all the way in Brazil. Good to hear from him. He was quite adamant about us taking a trip there together. I told him, if it’s feasible economically I will. I mean it. I’m sure it’d actually do me good to get away for a bit. Never been to that continent… Afterwards I talked to Dries up in A’dam… I had to talk to him. Goddamn, how can life get so fucking complicated? I feel like i’m poison to other people, sometimes…

Friday M came by to help me out with cleaning the old place. We got it done, went shopping and had some dinner before she left. I’m very happy to have finished up over there. I feel relieved. Also we got some interesting news regarding the business. I see it as a sort of vindication. Although… We’ll see. In the evening I just hung about, watching some series… Read some more Ellis before I went to sleep… Reading his American Psycho now. I like his decadent nihilism… It reminds me of another time in my life. Although I’m not sure I actually lived that…

Woke up feeling hung-over this morning; although I didn’t have any alcohol last night. Just a fucking headache, coughing… I guess it’s the weather. The Indian summer turned into winter almost overnight. That’s ok, though. I like the cold, but I have to have a bit of time to adjust. I can cope though.

Hooked up the printer, this afternoon, so the invoices can get sent, come Monday. Hung about a bit, just relaxing, I actually need that right now. It’s been quite stressful, these past weeks… I try not to think to much, not to feel too much, but it’s really hard sometimes… I feel there’s something hanging over me…

I’ll do some dishes, listen to some music, eat some dinner… Go out for a bit later on… I’ll take the car. Don’t feel like drinking anyway and tomorrow around noon there’s squash. This is such a strange life…

Tuesday 15 November 2005 15:55   talkback

NP: The Cure – A Strange Day

I’m tired. I’ve moved. It’s a goddamn mess here, but it’s getting there… Slowly. Last week was spent packing, panicking, getting ready dans la tête… Friday I kicked it into high gear and got everything packed that wasn’t packed and moved by Thursday… In the evening I went down south, got the furniture downstairs… We ate very late and somehow I didn’t get to sleep at all that night. In the morning we loaded the trailer and drove north.

We were unloading the first load when Mikey showed, later Q and N also showed, which made the task quite lighter. We drove to and fro about 4 times until everything was moved. Somewhere in between they delivered my new fridge. I had a hard time getting to sleep that night, so once again I had only got two hours’ worth.

Sunday I had some help in cleaning up the old place and I ventured into the depths of Ikea to get a new bookcase. The horror… The horror… I wanted to get out of that place, but I swear they hide the exits! In the evening I sorta broke down. It’d been too much, too long… I was beat. M left and I calmed down slowly. After I had a bite to eat -which I hadn’t had all day, come to think of it- I got started on the bookcase and unpacking.

On Monday I finished the 1,85M X 1,85M bookcase by myself, which was quite the daunting task for a non-technical sod like me… Spent the rest of the day unpacking books and other stuff… In the evening I got the network up and running after some hassle… I laid a cable from the office to the living room and tucked it away nicely. More unpacking. Getting the main ‘puter up and running and did some work…

Today I’m having a slow day. Not by choice, but I’m so fucking tired. I need to get over to the old place to square away the paper and cartons, then later tonite I’ll do more unpacking… I’m glad I got the gascooker connected though, cuz that presented some problems, but it seems to work now. Also I need to go to the municipal building and get myself registered. That’ll happen tomorrow, when I get to really cleaning the old place… I need to get my entertainment ‘puter fixed and I need to get our clients to pay us… Damn. Wish I had more energy…

My mouth hurts from a brushing accident last week. My lips are chapped from the weather (? I guess?) And my hands are raw from the boxes and heavy stuff, the bruising and chafing… I can’t seem to stop walking or smashing into thinks… I’m quite black and blue… I need to take some pictures of the new place once it’s a bit more tidy… I love those before and after pix. Wish I’d taken more photo’s of the places i’ve lived… The sadness is still lingering. Although this here moving has an hallucinogenic effect on me, the heartache and melancholy still permeate the fog… Winter is finally coming. It is getting colder. We’ll see…

Monday 7 November 2005 5:30   talkback

Another weekend spent at home… It’s okay. I read alot. Read Stephenson’s Snow Crash, read Ellis’ Less Than Zero, packed some more stuff. Been a bit sad…

Had some strange dreams and a strange day and a half… Made broccolisoup and hauled alot of shit. Nearly fried an office appliance and had a long, good conversation with a close friend about the spiritual and practical questions that alight on the mind when thinking of becoming a father… I’ve thought of you and how you seem to be the only one that has come close enough to see me in a long, long time… It makes me happy and sad, all at once.

I’m tired. Really tired. And a bit sad/exhausted. I guess stress kinda does get to me sometimes, in very special circumstances… pH has been nice to me. Met some nice people from Ohio. They make music. Perhaps one day we can make music together. I kinda miss making music with Guaka.

I feel I have so much to do and say and put right, but I just don’t know how and when… I’m afraid I’ll never be ready or have the time… I don’t think I’d be a good father…

Friday 4 November 2005 4:58   talkback

I used to love writing so incredibly much. I think I still do, but I lack the guts, the patience and the selflessness to start right now. Although I’ve started. I love Aaron Sorkin’s writing for tv. I want to write. I do.

Wednesday 2 November 2005 1:15   talkback

NP: Lustmord – ATMOM

Ozymandias

I met a traveller from an antique land

Who said:—Two vast and trunkless legs of stone

Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,

Half sunk, a shatter’d visage lies, whose frown

And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command

Tell that its sculptor well those passions read

Which yet survive, stamp’d on these lifeless things,

The hand that mock’d them and the heart that fed.

And on the pedestal these words appear:

“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:

Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!”

Nothing beside remains: round the decay

Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,

The lone and level sands stretch far away…

Percy Bysshe Shelley

Hopelessly fighting the devil Futility

Robert Smith

Monday 31 October 2005 4:24   talkback

I feel so strange… It’s been a solitary, encapsulated weekend… I feel downtrodden, defeat, futility… Moving is difficult business, I want it to get underway, but I don’t have any space to put stuff away until it can be moved… Goddamn I feel so abandoned… I am able to view all of this realistically, but still… Fuck… 🙁

Had a nice conversation with my neighbour, did some housestuff and am ready to get to bed now… I hope this summer gets into its’ final most devastating phase of scurvy and crawls into a hole to bleed to death… It’s too fucking hot… It’s gonna be a busy week… And I need it to be cool and windy out… Please someone or something lift this shadow from my life…

Saturday 29 October 2005 6:05   talkback

NP: Arvo Pärt – Miserere

Bad day today 🙁

Made a new track… Sleep now.

Friday 28 October 2005 0:07   talkback

NP: Astralasia – Strange Celestial Dream

Stayed awake for way too long, packed eleven boxes in all… Got a few hours of fucked up sleep, woke, worked, a bit more sleep, then squash, picked up the ticket, had dinner…

I’m so tired now. Defeated. Bushed. And yeah, I do miss you… And yeah, I still do think about you and I think about you and me… I’ve accepted the fact that I won’t be getting over this any time soon. So it’s gonna hurt for a while longer… I’ll be thinking about you a bit more than is probably good for me… I’ll read a bit more… Enjoying Stephenson’s Snow Crash, very much so, even… The dreams are so strange, still… Dancing books and tickling rainbows… My skin feels strange…

Thursday 27 October 2005 1:11   talkback

I’m packing… And it sucks… Work sucked kinda too, today, but yeah, there are those days I guess… Come to think of it, I also lost at squash, got into a squabble last night… But yeah… I’m beyond caring. I hope I hear from you soon. I think of you… 

I cut myself today… I slipped and cut my finger with a fucking sharp utility knife… Ouch… I’m tired… Felt bad today… Dizzy and nauseous… A bit wobbly… One more box…

Tuesday 25 October 2005 4:59   talkback

Spend most of the night cleaning up… It was necessary though… Woke up a few times, fell asleep a few times… Eventually got up… I had a reason to smile a bit this afternoon. There was work, which is moving along a bit again… I did another 8, but there was some pain here and there, still I did it in an hour, so that’s good. Talked to Dries a bit, then watched half of the Skinny Puppy DVD… I want the thing… But it’s too expensive for me right now… Anybody wanna buy me a gift? 😉

I have to be up in three hours to talk to a prospective client on the phone… Then, seeing as it is already 5 am, I’ll have a little crash… Around noon I have to leave for the south, to get some packing materials… In the evening K will drop by and after that, there’s squash… ‘Sgonna be a weird day tomorrow… Fuck… I’m wired and tired… Gotta go under…

Sunday 23 October 2005 17:46   talkback

NP: CausaliDox – (2005-10-22) Kool-Aid Karneval (Pre-Mix – Normalized)

Stayed in, the whole weekend… Guess I’m a bit weirded out by everything. There was some work to be done… Created another weird track and hung out behind the computer screen. Not doing or (trying not to) think(ing) anything in particular… Had a long SKonversation with Dries, played some guitar, sang some songs as we had a few drinks… Felt almost like old times, only virtual…

I still have the back-aches, still have this feeling of impending doom and still I haven’t heard from you… It’s gonna get hectic in the coming weeks, there’s so much that needs to be taken care of, so much to be planned. It’s a good thing though. I guess… Sort of.

I need to mix this track down, when I get a chance. It’s too loud in places and too abrasive in others… Still it’s probably the weirdest thing I’ve ever made… Like DDR said, a rollercoaster ride gone horribly wrong… Yeah, on acid… hehe

The stats reveal that my posting the CausaliDox tracks to KnobTweakers.net actually produced some real download increase. I like the idea of exposing people I don’t know to the degenerating effects of listening to my music… I would love to get back on stage… Good thing about living at the new place’ll be that Ishi is around the corner, so I intend to pick up alot of new techniques and knowledge from him. Just so you’re warned, Ishi 😉

Gotta take care of a few things now. Eat, clean, etc. Don’t want to, but gonna. It needs to be done. I need space to think, come the morrow… And hell, I’ll put this shit back online…

Thursday 20 October 2005 23:48   talkback

NP: Adult. – Strange Mistakes

It kinda scares me that you’re keeping silent. It doesn’t surprise me though… Today I made a decision. Not a forceful one, but a decision nonetheless… So as of next month, I will be living across town, at a new address… New surroundings, more space. It’ll be weird and difficult for a bit… But I’m sure I’ll get used to it.

It’ll cost money, it’ll require lots of energy and planning, I’ll need some new things. It’ll work out I guess, but it’ll take a while… Listening to Adult.’s new album… Takes a bit of getting used to… Nicola is adopting more and more a bit of a deranged opera-diva style… I’m lucky I’m so immersed in so much stuff at the moment. If I wasn’t I’d be experiencing a breakdown, I think… Now there’s just not enough time for that…

I’m tired… I should go to bed, but I’d like to just go out for just a bit, see some people… Have one or two drinks… But I won’t… Not tonite…

Wednesday 19 October 2005 19:08   talkback

Work’s picking up just a bit, living situation may change sooner than expected and I feel like I’ve just given up. I can’t deal with it anymore… There’s just so much I can take and feel… If you want to be mad at me, be mad at me. If you want to love me, love me. I can’t and don’t want to change you. I never have. I really do love you the way you are. I clocked my fastest time yet with last nights’ 8. Maybe I do feel a little bit of physical change due to all these sports… I’m not sure… I guess this is the first time I feel really uncomfortable with these words being public and only the second time I have taken the news offline. I just don’t feel so strong at the moment. Guess I’m actually a bit fragile. I’m hungry. Only had one sandwich and a cup of soup today. Beat Zieg at squash monday and today. Which is good. I needed to have something succeed. Tomorrow Zelk is dropping by for another game. I wish I could skip dinner. I shouldn’t, though. The night must fall

Tuesday 18 October 2005 3:35   talkback

You’re mad at me. And I feel like shit. How can you go from “I’m in love with you” to “I don’t want to see you” in such a short time…? The only thing I want is to see you… Somehow that’s exactly the thing you don’t want. You’re mad at me… And it’s killing me. I feel like the world has once again turned on its’ axis and I’m back in the position I so loathe… Completely and utterly impotent to change the situation, I have no power to do anything. You are in total control. The only control I have is over my body, but you don’t want me to be close to you. So here I am. Away from you. You’re mad at me and I’m mad at me. At the world, for dealing me this shitty hand. You went from I’m in love with you to that cynical tone in your last message. What the fuck can I do? What the fuck is wrong with me that this just won’t work? Why must I play this part? I don’t want this… Don’t make me out to be evil… Don’t think of me like that… Please… Why are you so mad at me? I don’t want to feel this way… I don’t want you to feel that way about me… I’d rather be out of your life than to have you see me like that… I just wanted to see you, that’s all, you know… That’s all…

Monday 17 October 2005 7:48   talkback

Had another strange night… I dreamt I had an operation. What for I wasn’t quite sure, but it had something to do with a cloud in my brain. Doctors said it would be dangerous under certain circumstances. I came out of the surgery and out of the recovery weeks, months later, feeling fine, but feeling distinctly not like myself. Like something was missing. There was a scar all across my face and somehow my eyes and face were different than before, even though it was my face. I felt a diminished mental capacity, as when flexing a muscle to lift, only to find out your not strong enough. It was quite disturbing, frightening even and frustrating, but somehow I was quite docile about it, because of what they had done. It was a very complex and real dream…

Talked to S this morning, while she was driving north… Today I have a lot of laundry, dishes, vacuuming, work, to do. There’s squash and trying not to get sick… I feel a bit strange, pressure on my lungs… Queasiness… Teetering on some brink… There’s some mail to respond to… People to call… Must not forget to eat today. I hope you still think of me…

Sunday 16 October 2005 18:19   talkback

I’m reliving that day… Sensations… You haunt me… I want you… Friday was loooooong… 4 hours of traffic jams. I was fucked when I got home… Saturday I played paintball for the first time in my life… Lost my carpapers in the woods… But that I did not know until much later… Had interesting conversation with two young guys… Bright kids. Foodshopping, shower, food, Funkstörung, lectro, dance, drunk fucker, home change of clothes, BB club, Basement… Met R and D, few ppl from the old club… Danced with J, she’s a cutey… She told me she was amazed that I could dance… Home, too drunk on too little alcohol… 3 hours worth of my own worst nightmares… Selfloathing in technicolor dreamdeath… Got up, put on clothes and went searching for the papers. Had an inspiration to go look in the woods… And fuck, there they were, next to the only dead tree in the forest. Got home, drank water, ate breakfast… Hung about… Thought about you… Alot. Wanted to do stuff that needs to be done, but just too tired today. Just stretching time now… Just another half hour and then off to bed… Really early start tomorrow, get things done. So fucking tired… So fucking lonely… I miss you so fucking much, babe…

Friday 14 October 2005 3:19   talkback

I only want to be with you. It’s all I want. I’m not even sure you wouldn’t want exactly that either… But you won’t let yourself. I really need something good to happen in my life. But I guess it won’t. I know how to live that… But there’s not even a foreseeable next evolutionary step, no change, no sense of being part of something larger, something that can be understood, instead of just believed in… I get so angry sometimes… Wanting to inflict chaos. Malicious intent. But it never lingers. I always angel up. You’re all I want. I just want to be with you… Is that so fucking bad? You loved being with me… Didn’t you? I mean, I remember your eyes… Your beautiful, stark eyes… Don’t make me your enemy… Don’t hate me because you feel for me… I remember your lips… I can nearly feel them… I hope you see me in your sleep tonite… Up in 6,5 hrs. For now, tears…

Wednesday 12 October 2005 23:08   talkback

Today crushed me… If it is that hard for you, you must still feel alot? I don’t understand… It was a tough long day all in all… Are you mad at me now? Can’t you see how much… Don’t you… Today I took /news offline. I can’t cope with it right now. We might be going under, I can’t get over you… There’s too much hurt and anxiety to show at the moment. Fuck… I don’t know anymore…

Tuesday 11 October 2005 3:15   talkback

NP: Kenji Kawai – Voyage to Avalon

Sunday was kinda hard… I miss you so much… And it’s such a mess… I sometimes wish for different circumstances… It’s childish, I know… But it’s hard to keep what I feel for you inside me… It’s not like there is much that doesn’t remind me of you in some way… I want to see you so badly… Want to talk to you… Touch you… See you smile… It’s gonna be a black autumn and even darker winter… I wish I could see you by the river, in the dead of night…

It’s really getting tough now… It’s crunch time… There’s not much time left and preparations for decisions need to be made. Yeah. We’ll do that… Damn I love playing squash… The new racquet is working out beautifully. It’s handling perfectly, packs a huge punch and is really accurate. Tomorrow again… yay for small pieces of happy… Sad huh?

This track is so beautiful… I loved the movie too, but this soundtrack is so amazingly, so beautifully melancholic… There is so much hurt I carry around with me… So much past weighing down on me… All these things I can never forget… Why can’t I look forward? Everything that happens to me, forces me to look backwards… I’m going through life ass first… And that isn’t even funny…

I’m tired… I want to write… I want to make music… I want to finally reacquaint myself with that which is good in life, that which is beautiful and worthwhile… I get only such brief instances to get a foothold, a memento of it… I do remember your smile… Please, sleep… Take me…

Sunday 9 October 2005 16:27   talkback

Pff… I don’t know how to drink anymore… I can’t handle any serious amounts, so you know, I feel a bit squishy today… Unfortunately there was no squash yesterday due to the fact that the girl was under the weather… Not much else except for some cleaning. At night there was supposed to be a party, but the fire official called it off because of unsafe conditions.

So I hung around, finished another track and finally went down to that basement. I saw S and C there, who hadn’t seen eachother for a long time, so I had them hook up… I just drank a bit too much, standing by myself in a corner at the end of the night. But by that time I didn’t give a rats’ ass anymore… Man, this town…

I wonder when you will talk to me again… I try not to think of you, cuz if I do, I miss you… I guess I’ll make some more music tonite… Get ready for next week by relaxing a bit… If I can…

Saturday 8 October 2005 11:22   talkback

NP: IndusTree – jam.06.08.00.Guaka.pH.Scarum. (Move Your Ass To The Trees)

Thurdayevening Zelkman and me hit a ball around… Didn’t do much afterward, but did spend the night and some of the morning talking to D, who’d finally gotten around to buying a cellphone. I had to get up early on Friday, cuz of the meeting in the west. Pretty tough, driving most of the day, doing a meeting… I was spent when I finally got home. Had some dinner and fell asleep pretty fast after that. Woke up (?) from a phonecall from M and had a hard time falling asleep again after that.

Listening to some IndusTree now, just for old times’ sake. Pretty cool shit, utter crap too 😉 A spot of cleaning and then a call to M to see if we’re still on for some slugging. I hope so… There’s supposed to be a party tonite. Guess I’ll check that out…

Thursday 6 October 2005 5:04   talkback

NP: CausaliDox – (2005-10-06) Harmful (MMMix)

Messages, words mess it up, mess the world up, mess my mind up, making memories, evoking hope, pain, prefer silence perhaps, but alas lying does not satisfy, how harmful are these echoes, resonating in this paradoxically spacious sphere? Do you want me to forget you? Your face? Why don’t I understand what she wants? What she thinks… I split my thoughts and am more devious than I appear. I survive because of this. I am like this because of that… I don’t have to be, I don’t want to be and in some ways I am not, but also, I am… Save me… Lie to me…

New racquet… Crashed number two… Money sucks… Gonna try it out tomorrow and again Saturday… Gotta think to call tomorrow… About the Würze as well as the court… When will I finally get angry enough? I can’t. I want more than this goddamnit… I want more out of my goddamn life…

Tuesday 4 October 2005 4:32   talkback

I don’t want the things I feel and think spelled out here… Not tonite… These moments when I lack the strength to see beyond the dark… I will sleep. I’m already late. No rhythm, no pattern… If it will not change… Then let it end… If it will not change…

Sunday 2 October 2005 21:06   talkback

NP: The Smashing Pumpkins – Disarm

Fuck I’m so tired. Not tired, but weak. Not weak, just stricken… I don’t know… I don’t understand this feeling. It’s keeping me from getting this shit done… My hair’s too long… I feel queasy, I feel sad, like it’s all putrid inside of me… Indolence washing over me like a black flood… Losing the reins of this strange horse called life galloping towards marshland under wistful racing cloudy skies… Is that the moon? Strobe lights and blown speakers… Lift me out of my quagmire, take me up in your arms, share your vivacious spirit with me, push your mind into mine from inbetween my eyes… Come to me as inspiration, come to me as morninglight… I feel I don’t belong to this era, this is not the right mode, I’ve been misplaced… There are obligations I am neglecting, self-evident tasks screaming past me and disappearing like bats stirred up from sleep in a deep cavernous haunt… How will I hold on to my coherency? Whom should I plead with? Whom should I appeal to?

Sunday 2 October 2005 16:54   talkback

NP: U2 – Tryin’ To Throw Your Arms Around The World

My back hurts… I’ve been punishing my body for quite a while now. I feel I have to be a bit careful, but I also think it might have something to do with the bed… That would be fucked up… Perhaps the matresses are too soft…

I’m sticking to the regimen for now, which is good. I like it. Although it’s gonna cost a bit more money. Which might become a problem, but for now, I’m just gonna assume that we’ll get over the hump again…

I was glad to hear from you… Still I wonder what you feel, what you think… I’m not prominently on your radar anymore, am I? Fuck, why do I have to love you like this? I’m glad the season’s changing. I’m happy winter is coming. I miss you though…

Did 8 on Thursday and Friday, but Friday I went before my usual time, which didn’t pan out all that well… I do take issue with other people… Also I was very tired, hadn’t eaten that much and had had a few drinks the night before, so after 4 I got a bit woozy… Decided not to stop for too long and just keep going. That seemed to work.

Thursday I ended up at the Irish pub, and later we went the place with all the consonants… I liked very much seeing her, but I’m still not sure what she thinks of me… Friday I also went to the consonants place, but it was pretty boring, even though I had some fun talking to a few friends… Saturday was tough, cuz after only 4 hours of sleep I got up and was on the squashcourt within half an hour. It was a rough game and I lost by a hair’s breadth… I got home and slipped into the strangest of moods… I was so enveloped in it, but decided to have a snooze, to see if it could survive the crucible of sleep…

There’d be a party last night, but it got moved from downtown to somewhere on the outskirts of town. It was decided it was too far away and so M-club was the logical alternative. I arrived late and tired, after talking to M a bit online… It was fun though… Strange atmosphere in town… A bit hostile.

Took me a while to get to sleep and of course I stayed in bed way too long… Now I’m groggy, have an achy back and there’s still a whole hell of a lot to do before tomorrow… That’s ok, though. There’s a girl outside, taking pictures of something…

She’s looking more than she’s taking photo’s, deciding which angle would be best… I really wonder what she’s looking at. It looks like a frame of some sort. I’m guessing she’s taking note of details. Someone told me that recently… That that’s one of the things I do, I notice… I guess I do…

Thursday 29 September 2005 22:40   talkback

Went to H’s graduation and made some photo’s… Came home, did dinner, went to the party and came home again. Now I’ll do 8 and probably crash after that.

We had some bad news regarding a new project today. Out of our hands I guess… Have you had your fill of me? Why don’t you even reply anymore? I just want to know if you’re ok… I’m really tired… I need a good night’s sleep… I feel so goddamned lonely and lost… I just can’t seem to shake that… Walk now… Walk far…

Thursday 29 September 2005 2:55   talkback

What a goddamn day… I sometimes wonder if I will ever get to a place in my life where I’m just ok, where things just flow… Cuz you know, this surely isn’t that place… Goddamn this life…

>

Tuesday 27 September 2005 22:45   talkback

Monday came along with some strange news about work, there was squash, I killed the Zieg… Mondaynight there was the debate, I went with J and N and it sure as hell was fun… Then the night kicked in with some fucked up news, we figured things out…

The morning came too soon… I was so tired, but alas, no sleep. Went down south, picked up F and we did the interview. All went very well. It took me too long to get back home, I was so fucking tired during the drive back. I started thinking about you, the passage of time… I do miss you, girl… I do miss you so very much… Got home, ate and now… Watching some series and I’ll bed down pretty fucking soon… Tomorrow… Well… Tomorrow’s another story…

Sunday 25 September 2005 17:36   talkback

NP: AFX – W32.Deadcode.A

Thursday night it was over… There was a bit of an elephant in the room, for quite some time, but I feel that has been resolved somewhat. I don’t know. Fridaymorning outside in the sun, drinks, breakfast, ’till noon. Home, workrelated, upright sleeping… Evening, awake, food, 8km’s the hard way, a wee bit over an hour, mail, response, strange sensation… Let’s talk some more, why don’t we? Saturday, dark things, driving around, buying flowers, going shopping, she is pretty, isn’t she? Good company… Shower, food, H, party, strange, yet nice people, home, too tired…

I slept too long today, that’s ok though. I’ll survive… I’ll do things that need to be done, I’ll cook and clean and do laundry, do dishes. I wonder what you are feeling, what you are thinking. I wonder why you remain silent. It’s been some time since we last spoke… I wonder what it feels like for you… I wish I could see you.

I’ve got the Analord series now. It’s nice, but it does remind me of other stuff, but hey who cares? Hopefully I’ll be able to squeeze in a meeting with WT this week. I really want to try and get this off the ground. I like the weather. Hopefully things will be looking up after this week. It kinda has got to… There are some gigs I want to go to… I need a bite, now… Gotta remember to wash the car…

Thursday 22 September 2005 7:53   talkback

NP: Datacide – Deep Chair

Where are you? Why won’t you respond at all, anymore? Light is pouring in and it’s the good light, the light that signals the change… The building is coming down, soon. I’m worried about the toxic stuff…

It’s hard at the moment. Although I’m fully aware of the comfortable position I am in, still it’s hard. And it’s not really comfortable. Way too much uncertainty to be comfortable. I guess I sort have become representative of that… I’ll be thinking of her tomorrow, I’m thinking of you way too much… Also, I feel angry and stupid. I feel free and trapped… I want to do another run tonite. I did one on Tuesday. I like it. I can understand how it can become addictive. I’m not taking such great care of myself…

I don’t want to think right now. I don’t want to take responsibility or talk to anyone. I don’t want to be, today. I want a holiday from me. I want to not be missing you for a bit. I want to not want for a few hours. Not be me, not have to be aware of how deeply flawed I am… So I declare… Yeah, I shouldn’t, but does it really matter? Flights of fancy, fantastic relief, come and find me, steal me like a thief… Somebody save me…

Tuesday 20 September 2005 3:24   talkback

I break windows in my house and mess around in my attic, I wish I’d remember only the things that are nice and erratic, I lick my wounds in my bed, I nurture the soreness of my head and pretend that the world’s not coming to an end, I see the birds fly away and that constellation on its’ way, deeper and deeper, and deeper into the night, I pine for faces just like that and having you curled up like a pet, but it’s just me and the nights are getting colder, can you see how we’re drifting, no telling where and if we’ll meet, even though our years are sprawled out like locks of hair at our feet, in illusion there are ways that are separate like the days, but just like days are never done, there’s alternation like moon and sun, alternation between the light and the dark, alternating crossing paths, confuses the senses, joins the halves, not by added aiding stuffs no more, just the bewilderment of what is, what will be, what might have been and the truth of what has come before…

I’ve been moving, I’ve been talking, I’ve been working, I’ve been watching, I’ve been crying as I remember you, I’ve been teaching, I’ve been learning, for just to see you, I’ve been burning, I’ve remembered that you told me what you want, I can’t believe and cannot breathe, cannot sleep and cannot eat, cannot hold back this water on the rise, will she or will I, if we could, would we try, will it wake me, or will it let me escape in my sleep, there’s a clock, there’s premonition, there’s forced daily contrition for the things I’ve thought and sensuously felt, it’s too late, there’s no time, there’s no way, there’s no line, there’s no path, there’s no guidance to be found, there’s just me, there’s just you, there’s just so much to work through and all the hurdles that keep these worlds apart…

Wednesday 14 September 2005 2:52   talkback

Monday came, there was squash, I won 🙂 Not much else worth noting happened… I did finish Thoreau though… Tuesday I slept a bit longer, worked… But there wasn’t much to do… Unfortunately… Talked to some people, I’m a bit of a vacuum at the moment… Tonite I walked another nine kilometers in about an hour… I like it… I hate the people though… Definitely don’t like the people… Good thing it’s getting dark earlier and earlier…

I hate to do it to you, but I miss you, you know… So yeah… It’s late now… I know… but it’s ok… I’m not gonna fucking worry anymore… Fuck that… Tomorrow work, yeah, phonecalls, dishes, squash, S is coming over and she’ll cook us dinner… It’ll be good to see her…

I really want a haircut… It’s too fucking long… (heh, who’d’ve thought I’d ever say thát?) Damn I hope people will pay us soon… Thursday more squash, happy about that… Friday another walk I hope… Another bottle of water, a quick brush of the teeth and then… I hope I’ll dream of you and me together… Even if it’ll hurt, I don’t care… I love us together… I just want to remember, be in that place… Get lost in my mind… Get swallowed up, eaten alive… Dissipate into the ether…

Monday 12 September 2005 2:39   talkback

I got done everything I wanted to do, except for the fresh orange juice… I’ll do that tomorrow… I walked nine kilometers with a 2 kilogram backpack in one and half hours… I just felt like getting out there, tire myself… It freaked me out a bit… It relaxed me, but only in waves… I find stuff to worry about while walking outside in the dark… That’s just nuts…

Got home, showered, watched ww and talked to M a bit, who reminded me of you, because of the circumstances… I miss you… I just keep missing you… So fucking much… Now it’s nearly three am and I’m hoping for sleep. I think it’ll come… I’ll let Thoreau’s last words lull me to sleep…

It’s gonna be a busy week, I have this feeling that it could get pretty busy real soon… Of course I don’t know that, but something’s brewing… We’ll see. I am looking forward to seeing S again; she’s coming over this Wednesday. It’s been a while…

I had this strange sensation while walking tonite… Actually I think I’ve had it quite a few times before, but it’s so hard to hold on… It’s a sudden rush of freedom, being fully aware of the possibilities of life, of the upside of being responsible for yourself and for yourself alone… But I can never hold on to that rush, that feeling… It is always accompanied by so much emotion, which clouds the experience a bit… Or colors it, is a better way of putting it, perhaps… I guess you were right, H, possibilities, open doors… For now all I wish for is you in my arms, in my bed… But I am alone, once again tonite… I still don’t have the courage to listen to any sad music… I think it’d be too much… So there’ll be soundscapes and dark ambient guiding me through the next 6, 7 hours… As every night, for quite some time now…

Sunday 11 September 2005 17:52   talkback

Watching Last Days… The mood hits me… The color of the sky hits me… Leaves are changing color, even though the heat hasn’t been gone more than 20 hours… I keep thinking about how it is that you can be so close to somebody and then lose that… Nearly completely… I know it is incompetence on my part, immaturity… I have to do some stuff, the usual… Cuz I have been procrastinating so long… I really want to take a walk later on… Walk in the cool air… Into the dark… I have to get outside more…

The wodka didn’t do anything for me last nite… Makes me wish I had the age and abandon to do drugs again… But that’s too long gone… That’ll be something I’ll leave in the past… The strangest things put you into the pit of my stomach… Watching this movie… Fuck I miss you… How is it possible to miss the times I never had with you? The things we never did… All the things we ever did, were always confidential… Where are you now? Where does all of this leave me…? What have all these years, all these experiences brought me? I don’t recognize this place… From listening to Kiss meKiss meKiss me in living rooms on languid afternoons to playing guitar in the back of my car waiting for you… From standing there waiting to see her light to spending the last months of my youth confined in this box… Soberness has left me with an abundance of emotion, without an outlet, except for these autistic manual labourings… These strange signs created by light, maintained by electric current… As is the same with the sounds… The moment is gone…

Sunday 11 September 2005 9:11   talkback

Time and date… Weird coincidence… W00t conspiracy… Blah blah blah… Pretty women talk to me… I think they think I’m interesting in a way… A nice guy even maybe… But man… Tonite wasn’t that great… The club is on its’ last legs and I guess that does suck quite a bit… I hope you’re right J, three times’ a charm… I hope it comes soon… I hope you’re right H and I’ll be able to relate more… Let go more… D told me he’d actually once seen an IT gig… Didn’t know that… He said he loved it… Astonishing… I stayed after hours… Talk, no more drink, didn’t work at all last nite… Yesterday afternoon talking to M, dunno… That was hard, somehow… I’m still hoping you’ll call… I’d hoped you’d call me yesterday… I did reply to that e-mail… She is always so beautiful in my dreams… I don’t recall her that well from last year… Perhaps we will meet again someday, if she can get over herself… I miss you, but I can’t miss you, cuz you don’t want me to miss you… Do you ever think of me? Number three… Where are you… Deliverance… I need to reform, I need a new life… It could happen, it could happen for the best… I’m sure… But will it ever? I’m almost done with Thoreau, almost now… When I yawn I taste wodka-infused lemon… I decided that I don’t care about what happens in the next 48 hours… I will not worry… Or at least try to… I worry too fucking much… About such trivial things… Won’t you wrap me in your arms, your hair? Will you be my soft pink darkness…? Anaesthetize me with your sweet scent…

Saturday 10 September 2005 13:24   talkback

NP: INXS – Never Tear Us Apart

It was so strange… I was dreaming about her, when her e-mail dropped into my box. I always wake up out of breath when I dream of her…

I asked you to call me… You said you would… I’m sure I’m a hassle for you… I wonder how or whether we ever will get close again… I do miss you… But I truly do wonder…

It’s been somewhat of a fucked up week, I’ve been sick, for quite a while now… Coughing, sneezing… Fucking headaches… Although Jimi Tenor was cool… Wednesday was bad… I was about to head out, when I felt really bad… Not enough sleep, too warm in this room… So I sat down and stayed put for a few… After that I put on my suit and got into the car… Some stops down south… That evening he hit me with that photograph… Damn… Funny, I’m listening to IndusTree… I poured alot of emotion into that… I have to find a way to deal with the passage of time and loss… I’m still not too well equipped for that…

The rest of the week, well Thursday… I don’t really recall, Friday was a bit strange though… Saw M, she looked hot, but she was so sad… We talked and walked, but somehow she is hellbent on suffering… I guess in a way most of us are…

When I got home last night, I just went straight to bed… I’m glad I did… I got -although intermittent- enough sleep, which is good… And I got to hear the rain coming down hard…

Somewhere during the course of the week I fixed the CausaliDox-track, so it is now just long enough to drive the hook home, but short enough not to be annoying. I actually made an alternate version, which sucked ass… Download the final version of the track here.

I really want to find some time to write and make more music, but there are a few things working against me… First of all, this tiny shithole of a room… I just don’t have any space here… It’s so cramped… If I want to do anything with a computer -without resorting to laptop RSI hell- I’ll be sitting behind the desk, which I already do too much, cuz of the regular work… Also my computers are too slow to cope with some real audiosoftware, so I’m pretty much limited in what I can do with my equipment… As for the writing… I just can’t find enough quiet in my head to just sit down and get to it… I need a larger living area…

It’s 15:09 now… That means that I’ve wasting away quite some time now… I do have alot of shit to do… Once again there’s dishes and laundry and tidying-up to do… Also, I have no more bread, so I would be inclined to hit the store… I don’t want to think to much about you today… I want to reply to that e-mail, but I’m not sure how… I want to have some fun tonite…

Thursday 8 September 2005 19:28   talkback

I turned 29… I called emergency services once again… She just lay there twitching, bleeding from the head, frothing at the mouth… I miss you… Talking to you was hard… Seeing those old pictures was hard… I looked so happy… You were so damn beautiful… I got sick again… There were some fucked up death stories…. There was really shrill music blasting out… I’ve been forgotten or downgraded by some… Saw Jimi Tenor… Still don’t understand that movie… Stood in front of a door, shaking, rang a bell, trembling, waited… Drove back home again… Bad food… Too fucking hot… Money… Fuck money… Memories flooding in… Recent and more distant ones… Mixing emotions… Feel like drinking… But probably won’t… No calls… No e-mails… Early bedtimes… Terrifying addictive dreams… Imprisonment… Strange bodily sensations… New girls… Dirt… Goddamned heat… That photo… Too much slime in my lungs, head… Old friends… Changes too intricate and subtle to ever completely comprehend… I need a fucking haircut… Avoiding the cave… Getting sick of Thoreau… Fear and loathing in this sweaty, dank room… This chicken pen… NARM!… Strange quality of the awareness of being… Mysteries of the flesh and locomotion… Breathing… Consciousness suicide… Suicidal consciousness… To understand is to destroy… Uncertainty principles applied to philosophy, to reason… Sickening dependence on others… What does not destroy me, fucks me… I love concepts that may not mean a thing, but are clever… Social gatherings behind individual screens… Flesh upon flesh, lubricated and ecstatic staring and moaning in memory haze… What an experience to be loved by a beautiful woman and allowed to be in her… Beyond depression lies a desolate desert, consisting of untold billions of grains of infinite ignorance and conscious selfdelusion… We have demystified ourselves, but as a machine sees your beautiful smile in ones and zeroes, so have we just substituted language… The myth is still there… Body, ok… Mind, sure… Soul, no… Maybe… I don’t know… I need something… It’s ok to suffer… Be it from hunger, thirst, disease, oppression, discrimination, jealousy, inadequacy, intelligence, love, sex or boredom… Suffering is an integral part of this… The test confirms, uses both hemispheres… Lucky one… Define lucky… There’s more I’m sure… In many ways… How long before you get used to being alone… How long before the bloodsponge becomes too great a burden?… In the words of the utterly forgettable mr. Zork the virgin-impaler… It’s time to do doodoo…

Thursday 1 September 2005 3:36   talkback

Saturday 27 August 2005 4:40   talkback

NP: Robert Johnson – Rambling On My Mind

I wonder now… I wonder who I am. I wonder why you ever fell in love with me. Right now, I have a hard time imagining how that could have happened… I’m so fucking tired. I will crash hard in a minute. Just a few more things…

Thursdaynight I went to the DR-club, for a certain recurring party I hadn’t been to for many years. I was invited to come along by a few people. Arrived early, helped hang up some decor-stuff… I was easing into the evening with the aid of some wodka and good conversation. Later on it got a bit tiresome, but then this dude jumped wrong and broke his leg. I called an ambulance and helped get him out of there. It looked bad. I heard today that he was operated on and is now doing better.

After that, I decided it was nigh time to get back to whereabouts I live. So R and I walked back, stood in front of the club for a few and decided that it wasn’t worth the hassle. So we had a bite and went our separate ways… I just couldn’t get to bed… It got late… Early… Whatever…

The morning started with a call from a friend, which I let slide, but in the early afternoon I picked up. Some fucked up shit is going on in the lives of people and most of the time you have absolutely no fucking idea whatsoever… I scrounged some food, no sense in cooking cuz that would entail doing dishes and I still wasn’t up for that… Damn I’m starting to get so fucking addicted to broccolisoup…

As plans changed, I stayed home, actually planning on getting some early bedrest… Unfortunately I got a weird vibe around 2 am which resulted in some weird ass shit. I’m really fucked now… I need to get my head down, my eyes closed, my mind at rest… May dreams keep the sadness at bay. Please. I miss you. I’ve no idea where the fuck my life’s at…

Thursday 25 August 2005 5:47   talkback

I’ve been sitting here, playing sad songs on my guitar. I miss you.

Monday 22 August 2005 19:19   talkback

It’s hard to imagine what my life will be like 30, 40 years from now. I wonder if any of the people I care about are still with me. I wonder if there will be other people in my life. How much more pain will I have endured, how much more time will I have wasted? It seems as if the waiting is taking over. As if waiting is slowly taking the place of living. And I guess I don’t even really know what I’m waiting for.

Years glide past quicker as you get older. It sounds like a cliché and it probably is one, but it is a cliché because unfortunately, it is true. It isn’t that terrifying. It’s okay that time speeds up, it’s okay that the perception of reality changes with the change of seasons in life. What is frightening, though, is that the intensity, the intent with which I used to live seems to be swallowed up by the black hole at the end of my life. It is as if the energy, the will, the adventure and the soul -for lack of a better word to convey the essence of my emotions- is being sucked out of me, forwards toward this endpoint, which from here, seems to lack the comfort of an event horizon. There is no perennial twilight.

It may just be the fact that I’m too much by myself, have got too much time to contemplate the dark clouds that make up my consciousness, I’m not sure. Perhaps it is as simple as that. But I cannot know. I will not know until I change. I will not change until I know. I am caught in another moebius ring. As I feel a subservient subject to King Circumstance, I posit most of the influences on the happiness in my life outside my direct sphere of influence. Perhaps I cheat myself out of autonomy and distance myself from the essential power I have over my own life, but I don’t think I can change -by will- that which I’m emotionally dependent on.

Fridaynight M came over, we ate dinner, horsed around on the guitar and drove to Germany with Trent in our ears, to see the Pups. She was sipping happily on a W&BL as the rain came pouring down on us. It was pretty in a way. We arrived late (after searching for quite a while for a place to make a pitstop), but they’d only just started. Unfortunately the place was packed and there was very little room to stand. Seeing the stage was very difficult. I didn’t mind though. She actually liked it, which pleased me lots. We drove back home and we had a few more drinks. It was fun. I had fun with her.

Saturday… Yeah… I don’t know exactly what happened Saturday. I think I’m glad I don’t remember. Sunday sped past. A short trip to the store, then a walk with M and her dog, some pretty heavy stuff going on with her… Then some strange idea and perhaps a change in my life… We’ll see. Quick bite to eat, then a bit of TV… Somehow a quick talk with Ishi turned into a full night of very interesting discussion, which lasted for 6 hours straight and ended at 8 am this morning. Pretty fucking amazing.

Needless to say I didn’t sleep much, mainly because there was a bout of squash to be played at 13:30, at which Zieg pulverized me… After coming home, things got a bit strange. I guess the last ep of SFU was quite heavy to watch. Also, I guess, due to my lack of sleep I’m in shambles, a bit… Which of course makes me think of you. And what you do for me. The comfort you bring. The painful realisation that you’re not here.

So… 30, 40 years from now… Will I still be documenting my days, my thoughts, my emotions? Will anyone have read any of this stuff? How will I be able to mend the fractures that have appeared in these years, in past years? Will I be able to, at all? I wish somebody could tell me. I wish somebody would tell me that I won’t be facing all of that by myself. I have no clue why sometimes life is called a gift. Most of the time it seems like this slow-shrinking prison in which the walls are made of possibility and hope. It’s okay though. I’m finding words again. And although I’m absolutely sure that they will fail; that’s okay. Because it goes on. Always goes on. Until it stops. And depending on which way you look at it, that might be soon. I’m not sure what scares me more. That there maybe so much more time to live through, or that there is only so little time left…

Thursday 18 August 2005 19:56   talkback

NP: Radiohead – Electioneering

As I look out my open balconydoor, the summerevening is spreading itself over the city. It’s closing time. Last call. Enjoy it while you can. But I can’t. I am wallowing in selfpity and I’m wondering why that has such a negative connotation. Yes, I feel sorry for myself. Why wouldn’t I? I’m unhappy, I’m hurting, I’m fucking sad. What if tears come down my face again? Why would I be ashamed?

I was wondering about my heritage, while under the shower just now. Perhaps when there are certain traits of character in each of the progenitors that clash, unbeknownst to them, and they produce offspring, this person might suffer the hell of having a paradoxal, somewhat awkward personality. Never at home, always ill at ease. Very hard to approach, harder still to like…

The things I see that hit me, arouse emotions in me, I’d love to smother in reason and cold hard pragmatism. I cannot. I am not able to. The fact that I miss you, knowing full well how incredibly unlikely any happy ending was, baffles me, somewhat, for I reckon myself to be well endowed with reason. Why would I still love you? How come when I try and focus on the future, look about me for anything to save me, to entertain me, to distract me, I find only those things that will, without a doubt, hurt me even more? I’m sure it could be different. I’m sure it could work. If I were not me.

It is not this situation per se that frightens, disturbs me the most, far more disturbing is my inability to see any road to improvement, any amelioration of my predicament. I shudder at the thought of another twenty years of living this awkwardly, living in, for all intents and purposes, quite stringent isolation. Sure there is superficial communication, but the deepest currents of my lifeflow are hidden and are shunned, for fear of drowning, for fear of paralyzation by the coldness of these waters.

I should make haste with my big decisions. I should make haste with the execution of my plans. I should beware of the pyramid of sand corroding faster and faster ’till there is but enough to fill an hourglass. I feel rushed. Yet I know there is nothing but the blackest abyss at the end. So why harbour hope? How can you, strange creature, entertain such optimism, such childlike faith. There is no indication that it will change, is there?

I don’t know about this night. I wish I could enjoy freedom, rid myself of these leeches of emotion on my person. Alas, they seem to have merged with me. I don’t know me as I used to. The set of variables has become larger, the axioms are shaking and tumbling as ancient pillars in the largest earthquake that ever rocked the archipelago of Micronesia…

Thursday 18 August 2005 15:57   talkback

Did some laundry, cleaned up a bit, organized some stuff… Still tired, still too warm… Couldn’t find the time to do a few of the things I wanted to do… I’ll try to find some time later on… First I have to head by the store now, then off to play some squash… After that… I don’t know… Gotta go…

Thursday 18 August 2005 14:15   talkback

NP: Dexter – Freestyle (Recorded live at the Melkweg)

It is warm… I’m thinking 25 degrees centigrade or more perhaps… I didn’t go to bed ’till early this morning, slept only about 6 hours… Bit tired, but it’s one of those days where you just have to do something… So I’m cleaning a bit, doing some work, some (virtual) meetings…

This afternoon there is a bout of squash planned, before that I need to hit the stores though, for some refreshments for tomorrow’s trip east… I have no information yet, but I’m willing to just wait and see… I feel nervous and anxious… Been replaying conversations with you in my head… Somehow that affects my relationships with other people as well… I’ve weighed everything you said on goldscales… I miss you… Still do… I wish I could understand, know for sure… But that’ll be a question forever probably, since I suspect that you don’t have any answers either…

Trying to focus on the future, but it’s hard… I try to feel free, but that is even harder… I still feel very much a prisoner of my emotions, my thoughts… I think I can cope for now… Perhaps it will get easier… Perhaps good things eventually will come to those who wait… Or perhaps only old age will come to those who wait… As a good friend used to say, only thing you have to do is wait and see, it’ll happen all by itself…

That is a painful issue for me as well… But I shouldn’t let myself get dragged into that right now… I have some more stuff to do, I want to do… Time’s moving on… It’s too fucking hot for my tastes… Or, wait… You know, I think I might like this weather if it weren’t for the awful little concrete cage, that doubles as a greenhouse in summer, I’m cooped up in… Fuck you Thoreau… I can hear you whining in my head… You are a strange man… I wonder how you ever came to be so popular a read…

Wednesday 17 August 2005 17:45   talkback

Worked, received the package, read the news, wrote another article and I have no clue why, but I’m tired again… Fuck… It’s getting warmer again… It’s becoming a mantra, but I still feel so strange…

Wednesday 17 August 2005 8:05   talkback

NP: Echoes of Nature – Streamside Songbirds

I finally slept… It was quite a while before I could put my head down again… I got a few hours of sleep in, before my alarmclock woke me at 7am yesterday… Got up, made brötchen, took a quick shower, got dressed and drove off…. Then off to E-town to pick up F, then down to A-town, where the presentation was held. It went well, I think, but you never know ’till you hear back from ’em…

After that we did lunch, took another meeting, which was short, but might proof fruitful and finally headed back north. It was around 4pm that we were back in E-town and I was having difficulty keeping my eyes open… I stopped at the store to get a Coke (caffeine… Hell, sometimes even I need it…) and some easy dinner for when I’d get home…

The last leg of the journey was quite hard, but I made it… Ate dinner, hung about for a bit and around 9pm I crashed… Not before having to face some sadness and gutwrenching loss, though… I miss you…

I woke around 5 am this morning with my arm in an impossible position… Took me about half an hour to get some feeling back into it… Unfortunately I couldn’t sleep after that, so eventually I got up. I made me some breakfast and wrote my first log entry @ Monlog… It’s weird, but now I’m tired again…

Problem is that there will be a delivery for me, somewhere between 9 and 13:30… And I really don’t want to miss that one… But if I go crash a bit more, I might… On the other hand, I’ll probably wake up from the buzzer… Hmmm… There’s stuff to do today, but it is still early… We’ll see…

Tuesday 16 August 2005 2:45   talkback

NP: Arvo Pärt – Fratres

Fuck! Goddamnit! I knew this was gonna happen… I can’t fucking sleep!!! And I need to be up in about 4 hours!!!! Fuck!!! It makes me so fucking angry…!!!!!!!!! I just can’t relax… Boy oh boy this sucks monkeyballs…

Tuesday 16 August 2005 0:05   talkback

Preparations are done… The bike has been delivered… My neck and shoulders hurt like hell… I’ll leave my emotions out of it for now… I’m tired… I have to be up in… 7 hours… I gotta go brush and lie down… Ok. Alright. Going…

Monday 15 August 2005 19:18   talkback

I got everything done… I did dinner… Now I have 40 mins. in which I could return the bike, if I hurry… I should do it probably… I need to be back here at 8 to discuss tomorrow and some other stuff…

I’m so fucking tired, I’m quite sure there won’t be a problem falling asleep tonite… There are some thoughts in my head… -quite a few, actually-… that I need to get out… I want to get them on paper, in 1’s and 0’s, it doesn’t matter… I feel like alot is been bottled up in there for a very long time and it might be possible to get it out… I haven’t felt so… So ready do convey them, to railroad those thoughts right out into the open… But of course, I might be mistaken… I feel like… Like I said before, enough with the documenting… I’m ready to experience… And writing definitely is experiencing, for me… I’ve always described it as watching a movie or documentary while it’s being made and I’m the director… It’s a strange feeling when the paper or screen goes away and all you see is what you are writing… I gotta go, try and be back in time…

Monday 15 August 2005 16:39   talkback

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Some Kind of Stranger

And yes I believe in what we had

But words got in the way

And only yesterday

As I was leaving

Lord knows I’ve tried to say but I’ve 

Heard a million conversations

Going where they’ve been before

Seen the way that careful lingers

Undecided at the door

And all I know for sure

All I know for real

Is knowing doesn’t mean so much

When placed against the feeling

The heat inside

When bodies meet

When fingers touch

All my words are secondhand and

Useless in the face of this

Rationale and rhyme and reason

Pale beside a single kiss

And I’ve heard so many things I

Fail to understand at all

I’d settle anytime for

Unknown footsteps in the hall outside

Because the world is cruel and 

Promises are broken

Don’t try to tell me

Anything don’t try to tell me

You’ll be true to me you know the

Real truth is never spoken

And I know the world is cold but

If you hold on tight to what you

Find you might not mind too much though

Even this must pass away and

Memories may last for years but

Names are just for souvenirs

Some kind of angel let me

Look into your eyes

Don’t give me whys and wherefores

Reason or surprise

I don’t care for words that don’t belong

And I don’t care what you’re called

Tell me later if at all

I can wait a long long time

Before I hear another love song

Come here I think you’re beautiful

My door is open wide

Some kind of angel come inside

Come here I think you’re beautiful

I think you’re beautiful beautiful

Some kind of angel come inside

Come here I think you’re beautiful

I think you’re beautiful

Some kind of angel come inside

Come here I think you’re beautiful

My door is open wide

Some kind of stranger come inside

Come here I think you’re beautiful

I think you’re beautiful beautiful

Some kind of stranger come inside

Come here I think you’re beautiful

I think you’re beautiful

Some kind of stranger come inside

Squash went ok, beat him… Am fucking tired though… Clogged drain was fixed finally… Cleaning now, very very necessary… Work tonite, also very very necessary… Then a walk to get the bike back there…

I wish I could be with you… I miss you… Trying to let go of you… I want to be brave, still… Although I’m scared to let myself feel… For anyone else, for anything…

I have to go on now… Still lots more to do… Wow… I’ve felt strange many a day… But I’m surprised by what this particular day feels like…

Monday 15 August 2005 13:01   talkback

I got some sleep… Not nearly enough, cuz I feel like a motherfucking zombie, but oh well… Better than none at all… It seems that the only way to really deal with the clogged drain is to play mechanic… I don’t have time, nor desire to do that, but it seems I’ll have to… Now first there is squash, which couldn’t have been timed worse, but sure… It’s gonna be a long day… I must remember to be in bed by 11pm… I must not fuck up today…

Monday 15 August 2005 5:33   talkback

NP: Bill Laswell and Pete Namlook – African Dub

I should have known that sleep wasn’t gonna come to me… I hate to have to do things on a Monday, it never works out, because the pressure to get rested is to great… My body rebels and I never ever get to sleep as I would on any other night…

I’m avoiding… Even in virtuality, I’m avoiding… I’ll deal later… I have to have some breathing space… It might change things for good, but I’m willing to take that risk… Summer is on its’ last legs, but plans to make a comeback this week… I wish it wouldn’t… It’s still dark out, the planet has been tilting again…

Thoreau kept me company… I don’t know what to think yet of this fellow, but he amuses me as much as he annoys me… He mystifies me with his accountant-like detailed descriptions… I must someday find out about the man behind the book… A rare desire with me… Usually I’m more than happy to let the author hide behind his veil of words… The thought of her makes me sneeze…

I’m willing to give sleep one last try… If only for four hours I would be hidden from the world and my own consciousness, I’d be saved, this Monday… I never intended to be a keeper of secrets, ever again… There is so much to do, this day… Perhaps I dread the day before more than the day of the event itself…

Monday 15 August 2005 1:55   talkback

And the hits just keep on coming… 🙁 My sink is clogged… The water won’t go down the drain, so I’m not sure how I’ll do my dishes tomorrow… I even used some chemical declogger, but it wasn’t enough, apparently… So first thing I’ll do tomorrow is get some more and perhaps one of those vacuumsuckingplopthingies… Fortunately the store is open from 8 am, so that early start will happen one way or the other…

But of course why should I bitch and whine? The Gaza strip’s closed, planes are still falling from the sky and who knows what Iran is cooking up in her new government…? Funny thing is that I’m sure that my life could be improved in the simplest of ways, yet all beyond my direct influence…

I haven’t been taking many pictures lately… I’ve been trying to live my experiences more, instead of just documenting them… I’ll probably start documenting again, since I’m aware of my behaviour now… I need to go lie down and relax now, hope for some sleep… Get going tomorrow, really get things done… I’ve been so fucking lazy lately… I hope I get to dream… I hope you know that I do not hate you in any way… But I’m sure you know just how much quite the opposite is true… I don’t understand my emotions… I don’t understand other people… I think I’ll never be able to… Sleep, please…

Sunday 14 August 2005 23:03   talkback

The road to the party was long and steep, the saddle on the loaner-bike was quite… ehm… butt-unfriendly, but still, I was happy to be on two wheels again… Arriving at the party, it was quite amazing to see how big and popular it had gotten… Very nice atmosphere, great entourage, beautiful setting as always…

There were alot of people there I know… Decided to leave my winebottle capped and treat myself to the nice mixes they were selling. I kinda just wandered around on my own most of the time, which I enjoyed… I partook of some nice spinach-feta thingies, when I got a bit peckish…

As the night progressed the weather turned bad and there was quite a bit of rain… I became more and more pensive… Had different people in my mind… An alarming mix of hope and fear, very disturbing… So when a friend wanted to go home, I offered to accompany her…

Still raining on the way back, when I got home I took a shower and laid down to sleep… I woke up and just couldn’t cope with sunday, so I read a bit and fell asleep again… Woke up later in the evening and had a bit of dinner… Now I’ll watch some television and try and get to sleep again in an hour or so… Tomorrowmorning I need to get to cleaning here and organise a bit for Tuesday… Early in the afternoon there’ll be squash and then more preparation for the big presentation in Germany…

I’m looking forward to the end of next week, for various reasons… Not the least of ’em being the fact that I’m a bit nervous about the whole presentation… We’ll see how it goes… I’m not happy about some things right now… It’s really bugging me… That added to the already sorry state of my mind and emotions is quite taxing… Yeah…

Saturday 13 August 2005 22:57   talkback

Sleep took me for another hour and a half or so… Then I folded into the small, slim, silvery rectangular box, which in one form or another I’ve been attached to so much in the last decade… A shower ensued, some dinner, a spot of tidying… I loved my broccoli soup…

There will be a convoy to the party in an hour or so… Weather’s gonna be hell, so I’m not sure what to do wardrobe-wise, seeing as how it sure as hell is going to rain, but it’s quite warm right now… 

I’m a mess on the inside… What a fucking year… I’m so stormed, so much fucking turmoil… But hey, bring it… I’m sure there’s a whole hell of alot more that can fuck me up…

Saturday 13 August 2005 16:48   talkback

NP: Lustmord – The Outer Shadow

Sleep is kicking my ass… Dreams are grinding my nuts… My mind is playing Abu Ghraib with me… It seems I have a bike for tonite… So I’ll be able to pedal on over there… Right now, I don’t feel like partying… Think I’ll give sleep another try… Talk about masochism…

Saturday 13 August 2005 6:47   talkback

Yeah I like her… I don’t think she likes me… So what…? It’s not new… I’ve been there many times before… Fuck it… I’m tired of the games… I’ve given up… Break my fucking heart… Hurt me as much as you can… What the fuck can happen to me that hasn’t already happened? I’ve been mangled this last year… I found someone that really really could’ve made me happy… And that got turned into darkest despair… Bring it on… I give up…

Saturday 13 August 2005 0:46   talkback

NP: Dopplereffekt – Wissenschaftlerinnen

I feel more rejected than a vegetarian in Austria… More unwanted than the recurrence of testicular cancer in a 17 year old male… Your words ring hard in my ears still… I’m not sure I believe you… I’m not sure you believe it yourself, but perhaps I am that easy to exorcise… Perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised… I have been and still am witness to many an example of my lacking any desirability…

Think, everyone that you’ve kissed, do they cease to exist when you stop being missed? 

Objectively regarding oneself, one would perhaps recoil from the image, be disgusted by the needy, moronic leer trained upon one… So it did become one of those Fridaynights… That’s okay… They pass… It’s funny how in retrospect I see myself in situations, saying things, behaving a certain way, knowing full well that it is in no way serving me, yet I am unable to change anything… Mostly overcome by earnest emotion, the rationality I’m so fond of takes a backseat and before I know it, or have thought of the consequences of my words and actions, I am blurting out what I feel… Pity the one standing in the way of my black tsunami… It must be frightening and appalling… Definitely not in any way attractive…

Lightheartedness and being easy-going are not part of my emotional palette… At least, they rarely crop up… I guess it’s not that big a deal, but the world is bleak enough… My greyness might be a tad too much… Dependence might kill me… My weakness angers me, yet I do not find the strength to alter my outward persona… Fucking hypersensitive dramaqueen… I understand full well why I wanted to beat the shit out of myself, nearly a year ago…

I’m tired. I’m running on empty… The stuff inside me that burns like a nuclear fire is consuming me… I once was an entity strong enough to have this energy burn through me like a supernova in slow motion… I feel like I am failing and fading into the abyss of blackest space…

Friday 12 August 2005 17:34   talkback

NP: CausaliDox – (2005-07-09) Touching Nothing

Mikey came over, we played squash, had some dinner, went for a drink… Then D showed and after some banter about long, long ago they went home… I just sat here I guess… Talked to Guaka on the phone for a bit… He’s about to get going again… Watched a movie… Felt sad again…

I have been having the strangest dreams… Last night was no exception… The parts that I do remember are outrageously weird… If this is in any way representative of what is happening in my unconscious, I’m in desperate need of a lot of things… Therapy not being the least of ’em…

I want to make broccoli-soup, but I’m not sure how… I have a craving for broccoli-soup… Weird… Well, ok, I know now how to make it, so I’ll give that a try… I’m going to drop off a prezzy and then drive by the store to get some foodstuffs… I hope that tonite won’t turn out to be one of those dreaded Fridaynights… Cuz I’m reasonably stable, but if I spent too much time alone, I always either get close to breaking down, or break down altogether… I get so fucking lonely and sad…

Tomorrow there’s the annual party… Hope the weather will improve a bit… I’m not sure if I really feel like partying, that also depends a bit on who’ll be there… And there’s the distance thingy… Man… I need to make more ambient… I love “Touching Nothing”… Brush my hair, brush my teeth… Try and wake up… Work’s done, but I’m still not awake… I feel like I’ve done alot of drugs… And yet I’m sober… Hmmm…

Thursday 11 August 2005 14:32   talkback

NP: Dexter – I am not Alden

I dreamt of an apocalypse of sorts… I was plummeting down stairways on a racebike, fighting cougars all the way down… There were highway scenes… I don’t know… I sometimes have these endzeit dreams and they are the strangest dreams I have by far…

Party was fun last nite, company was great… Although somethings inevitably still scare me… That’s ok… I have quite a lot of shit to do now, for which I have only one hour, so I have to make some haste… Still pretty tired though… It wasn’t before 7 that I slept this morning…

Wednesday 10 August 2005 19:43   talkback

Dreamt about both of ’em tonite… Of course I soon found out that dreams are just that… Yeah… Okay… There was squash today, got f’ed in the a… Just not enough energy… Goddamn this is another one of those fucked up days…

There is a party in a bit… Think I’ll attend… Sure why not… Tomorrow Mikey is dropping by for some squash… Work was done today… I feel fucking stupid… The subconscious really fucking sucks sometimes… Chill for a sec, then I’ll go walk on over to the party…

Tuesday 9 August 2005 16:26   talkback

It’s a quiet day today… I went out for some bread and fruit… Did a late breakfast/lunch… A bit of work…

I’ve got a lot to think about… I’m having quite a time dealing with my thoughts and emotions… This is not easy or simple… It’s not clear-cut… There are conflicting emotions… There’s even some anger, I’m surprised to say… I hate feeling so low… I hate the feeling that I’m inadequate, that there are no chances for me… I feel like a fucking loser and I fucking hate it…

I’m reading Thoreau’s Walden… I don’t know why I wanted to read it, suddenly, but I got an incredible urge a few days ago… And I have to say that it’s a strange experience… I need some water and then I’ll go visit Walden Pond, Concord, Mass. 

…This is the only way, we say; but there are as many ways as there can be drawn radii from one centre. All change is a miracle to contemplate; but it is a miracle which is taking place every instant.

Monday 8 August 2005 22:05   talkback

Killed a spider… I hate killing anything… I always feel guilty… I feel shitty… Low… I think I’ll go for a walk… Maybe that’ll clear my head… I don’t think so, actually, but yeah, well… Wish I could switch off… On second thought… I am really tired… Maybe I should skip the walk and just go to bed…

Monday 8 August 2005 17:12   talkback

There are some gloriously beautiful women on this planet… I’m fortunate enough to know quite a few of them… There is some horrendously fucked up shit in my life… Mostly to do with gloriously beautiful women… Now why isn’t it possible to have this work for once? Goddamn it, this is starting to piss me off…

Fuck I hate doing dishes… 🙁

Sunday 7 August 2005 23:24   talkback

NP: Boards of Canada – Iced Cooly

I’m so sad that nausea is making me dizzy… Talking to you was excruciating… So glad to hear your voice… Yet so much pain… I have to stop aching this much… This is killing me…

Sunday 7 August 2005 20:08   talkback

This is a picture of the small village that I was born in:

Photo courtesy of S

Sunday 7 August 2005 18:28   talkback

Went to see the pups last nite… Pix here… Weird, but cool… It was a strange day, yesterday… Filled with talks, messages and emotions… I’m a bit mixed up now… A little fragile, I guess… I need something edible and then I’d better start on dishes and such… I need to get it done, so I have a clean slate come mondaymorning… I’m tired still… So strange…

Saturday 6 August 2005 14:07   talkback

NP: Skinny Puppy – All Eyes

Slept long and hard… Woke and sold the shoes… Now I’ll do a bite of (belated) breakfast and head on up to Capital City… I’m so ready for tonite… Not looking forward to the drive though… Both of ’em… Oh well…

I dreamt… Don’t recall exactly what, but it was strange… Nerves always hit me in the stomach… Wish it didn’t… This is a strange fucking year…

Saturday 6 August 2005 0:23    talkback

Hell of a night last nite… Couldn’t get under… Took care of business today, both personal and professional, went shopping, had something that was a sadfuck sorry excuse for dinner and just hung about a bit… I feel very uncomfortable and sleepy now… My lip is cracked and bleeds whenever I yawn or smile or eat something that requires my mouth to actually open…

A contacted me to hang out, but as it turns out this is one of those really rare nights that I’m completely bushed, tot, hundemüde… I just yawned and cracked my lip again… 🙁

Damn… Can’t find my Blistex… I’ve been thinking about you… Trying to comprehend what it has done to my life, falling so deeply in love with you… It has cost me much, as it has you, no doubt… And still I feel the same, there are no regrets and I would fight for you just as hard tomorrow as I have done yesterday… Now there is this… And I’m not sure what to do now… How to move on… Just like writing these sentences, going back and forth, writing them deleting them, insecure, that’s how I feel about my life… I need something lucky to befall me… I need a good thing to happen to me… Because the last good thing wouldn’t, couldn’t stay… :’-(

Friday 5 August 2005 4:54    talkback

Something about the presence of beauty, something about something conjuring up you in my mind… Something about if only wishing made it so… Even if the wish could go either way… Something about realism… Something about liking somebody… Something about old painful music… Something about autumn…

High hopes never hurt anyone

you say

But high hopes might destroy me

Frail emotions at play

What does not destroy me

Makes me stronger

you say

But being devoured

Might be the best fate

for prey

At least in the deaththroes

The fight is honest

The goals are clear

But in these ceaseless catgames

There is naught but fear

Hope turns to fear

As leaves turn the year

Soon the dead of winter

Will preside over this court

And hope might fly and fear might subside

Or the opposites will carry my soul into the night

and tear it slowly asunder

Slumber until summer

Or never resurface

Stay under…

Friday 5 August 2005 4:31    talkback

NP: CausaliDox – The Day The Sky Fell

Since the workrelated thing was postponed, I decided to go stay with my friends at the campsite… I had fun, which I did not anticipate, me having trouble relaxing and everything… It was nice, sunny (I got a sunburnt face now) and quite active… A lot of recreational activity, I even took a swim for the first time in like… 10 years…

Had to come home to attend to some business, unfortunately… Then I fell asleep and my day went weird… I was so tired… I tried to go to sleep again by the end of the evening, but a mosquito and restlessness have me up still… I’ll go try again in a minute… I feel a bit better, but still a bit hot and bothered… It must have been the (fast)food…

Monday 1 August 2005 18:36    talkback

NP: Adult. – The Cold Call

The flashes of intense love I still feel for you are hurting me…

Work: Round two… nice… Hope we’ll make it… Squash… Yeah, well… What’d you expect after 4 days of dehydration and debilitating disease… Tonite I’m gonna do myself… Well… A favour not so much… I’m not sure how comfortable I’ll be, but wtf… I’ll go and visit some ppl I know up at some campsite… I guess I do it as much for the ride and the music as for anything else… Hope it’ll relax me somewhat… We’ll see… Somebody might be buying my “old” fussball shoes… cool… A bit more work now, then drive…

Monday 1 August 2005 9:55    talkback

NP: CausaliDox – Over My Left Shoulder

Saw Guaka real quick Saturday, then it was back to the feeling horrible… Sunday much of the same… A bit more optimistic, but it turned out to be false hope… Had quite a fucked up time falling asleep… It’s been 3 days now, if I exclude Thursday… Damn I want this to be over…

Fell into a deep black hole last night… I couldn’t think of anything else but you… I felt so incredibly abandoned and lost… I can still feel it… I keep seeing your face… I keep hearing your words… The contradictions in your eyes…

Today we should hear something about the big project… It would be very nice if this were to happen. We’ll see… I have to get busy now… Before I feel nauseous again or my time slips away from me… I want to go take a long walk someday soon… Anybody up for joining me?

Saturday 30 July 2005 14:23    talkback

Well, I sure as shit (pun intended) had that wrong… I tried to eat a few crackers and some soup, but it just set the turbines running again… I feel fucking lousy… I want this to be over… 🙁

Saturday 30 July 2005 9:55    talkback

NP: Front 242 – Trigger 2 (Anatomy of a Shot)

Had a hell of a night… Constant terrible diarrhea, fever, cramps, headaches, muscle-aches, dizziness, constant nausea… In a word it was torture… I finally fell asleep around… what? 2, 3 am, I think… After talking to Guaka on the phone a bit… I had weird fucking dreams… Distressing dreams… Feverdreams…

I woke up just about half an hour ago… Parched… Dried out… I’m trying to rehydrate myself now with some salt/sugar-water, but I don’t think I have the mixture right… Oh well, I’ll just try and keep pouring water in… My stomach feels a bit better, but still gurgles now and again… My muscles are killing me… And I feel like I’m hungover, which apparently is a sign of dehydration… I need to take a shower in a bit… There’s some delivery guy dropping by in an hour or so… Don’t want to be in these clothes to open the door… 

It’s been a long time (ehm… wait what was it, february?) since I’ve been this sick… I hope this will pass faster than that bug earlier this year… I hate being sick… I feel so empty, physically… (I’ll skip the emotional weatherreport for now) Fuck, I think I can feel my kidneys… Or are they just my backmuscles…? I dunno… Dr. Kevorkian, anyone?

Friday 29 July 2005 20:08    talkback

So fucking sick… Throwing up… Damn, this is not good… 🙁 How many times I’ve wished for you to come walking through that door…

Friday 29 July 2005 10:12    talkback

NP: Skinny Puppy – T.F.W.O.

beeeuuhh… I still feel like a creamy steamy pile of doodoo…. Symptoms are becoming clearer… My stomach feels like I poisoned it… There’s continuous nausea, headaches, muscle-aches… I am not a happy camper at the moment…

Fell asleep fairly fast last night… Have had enough sleep even though it was hotter than a coalchamber up here in this motherfucker… Woke a few times, but yeah… That has become somewhat of a trend this past year… Never had that before… :[email protected]

I ripped all my Skinny Puppy cd’s yesterday, so I know am amassing quite the digital collection… I like that… Try to get it all in one place, get it complete… But for now, this is enough… It was hard work… I think it amounts to 8 GB in all… Guaka called yesterday, but I missed him… I wasn’t feeling up to anything either way… I mean, come on… Just walking to the lav is a chore… I’m not the only who’s sick either…

Unfortunately there is some stuff I have to do today… Gotta go get my ID-card, or at least apply for it, so I can get it in a week… That’s gonna suck monkeyballs… Also, hopefully we’ll get the word today that the big project is going to go ahead… We’ll see… Fuck, I hope I feel better soon…

Friday 29 July 2005 0:13    talkback

NP: CausaliDox – (2005-07-28) God’s Trip (pre-mix)

It’s still so fucking hot… I feel pretty bad… I have a headache… I’m nauseous… Have been almost all day long… I feel pretty fucking weak… I don’t know what’s wrong with me… I’ll go lie down now… Hope that I can get some sleep and that I’ll feel better in the morning… Yet another track today… I like it… It’s not finished but it’s enough to get the idea across… It’s got some history… Shit I feel lousy…

Thursday 28 July 2005 15:55    talkback

NP: CausaliDox – (2005-07-27) The Day The Sky Fell

So damn hot again today… It’s a toss up between airconditioning and moving to Iceland. Neither of which I have money for at the moment… (or in the forseeable future)

I feel a bit nauseous… I think it’s the heat perhaps… I haven’t felt so great since I came back from the south… I think I might have a bug developing… Don’t really feel like getting sick now… Strange that I thought -not half a year ago- that summer would bring salvation of sorts… It didn’t… At all… I had a bad moment today… I read some of your words and I just collapsed… I miss you…

Workwise there is not much to do… We’re waiting for word on something big, but I’m cautiously pessimistic… If it falls through, there will be trouble… Yeah… We’ll deal with that when we get to it… Just one more day until the weekend… And I’m not sure if I should be happy about that… There is nothing to do… Not during weekdays, not during weekends… This is like limbo… Or maybe it just is limbo…

Been reading some stuff on various logs… It’s tempting to get into the mix, but I’m quite sure I’d regret it if I did… So I have restrained myself… I bought some strings for my old fucked up guitar today… I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to string the thing myself, but it worked… At least… Five strings went just fine, until I reached E1… Then I fucked up… I couldn’t get the string threaded twice at the top, because the hole was too narrow… And I just thought to myself… “You see? You were right to doubt yourself… You fuck-up!” Well, it sorta works now… So I started playing a bit… Haven’t touched a guitar since I sold my black Ibanez… I played so much that my fingers are hurting still… Amazing how many of the chords I’ve forgotten in just 3 months… The thing is old and sounds like shit, but at least I’ve got myself a (somewhat) playable guitar again…

I’ve been feeling the urge to write… But I haven’t had the balls to just sit down and go at it… I’m afraid that if I do, I might end up with just another lament about my life and the things that have been happening to me this past year… I don’t want to do that… I don’t want to write for the misery of it… Not right now… I’d like to get back to something more substantial… But I guess I haven’t written anything in a long time that could be seen as a (ah fuck it, let’s just use the icky word) story… I have been writing more or less in the same style for a few years now, which is a sort of cut-up / train of thought / poetic style… Perhaps when it’s not so hot… Perhaps in the fall…

Been listening to my own shit all day… Everytime I listen to it, I hear different things I want to change… I get ideas for new stuff… But somehow I never remember these ideas when I work on new stuff… Also with the program I’m using it’s difficult to just go back and change fundamentals of the track… It’s definitely not the program to work with forever, but for now, what with the limitations on my equipment, it’ll have to do… Somehow I still like the stuff that I make… Funny enough a few people on the synthforum like it too… I’d never expected that… (Well ok, I know it’s just one track)

No answers, damn heat, headaches, damn heat, nausea, damn heat, nervous, headache, cramps, loneliness, nausea, damn heat, despair, so uncomfortable…. Tonite there’s a get-together of sorts… I’m not sure I should attend… But I’m up for a drink… Not too much though… I have to get my ID-card sorted tomorrow… The shit you have to do in this country… You have to be a goddamned accountant just to live here… G’s right… I shóuld get the fuck out of here… But… Yeah… Well… I dunno… I miss you so fucking much… Sometimes it just comes back at me from deep within me and attacks me… I try to forget, but it’s not gone… It’s just deeper inside me… 

For right now… I’m gonna drink some water… Maybe see about dinner, although it’s too early… Maybe watch an episode of something or other… Try not to think too much, not too feel to much… Try not to be too miserable… Nauseous still… Prayers for rain…

Wednesday 27 July 2005 17:28    talkback

NP: Legowelt – Drivin’ for our Love

Went down south late last night and waited for hours for M to come home. Eventually she did and we sat around talking (rather depressed) for a few hours… It was way past 4 am before I hit the road again, tired as fuck, but ready to get out of the southern swamp… I mean, this town can be scary and devoid of life nights, but down there it’s like the Louisiana countryside… And that’s okay when you’re with friends and you’ve got some dope… But nowadays it just drives me away… I guess I could appreciate it again, but I think it just doesn’t fit with this phase of my life… Also there are other reasons why it is hard to be there…

I got home pretty late and stayed awake some more to take care of some stuff… Then I watched an episode or two of something or other, before I finally crashed… Thankfully I don’t recall any of the dreams I had… I woke up because of a phonecall… Decided to jump into action and do some work… It’s nearly evening again, so I had to…

Thinking about giving someone a call, to see if they’re interested in having some fun tonite… Bog knows I could use it… I’m pessimistic though… And a bit tired…

Tuesday 26 July 2005 12:17    talkback

These are keywords that were used in finding this website, in the past 7 months:

Keywords used on search engines

satan sex sleep evil hand nebuchadnezzar blake bigbutt and of painting mistery pictures mushrooms the skinny doomsday pics egg puppy innocent dog pity man cum mushroom in me rosecrutians on funny michael piss mojo to buzz shit a doors psychedelic crouch amanita art mankind nudity public annunaki risin arthur sleeping picture james bacon mutilation self victim like muscaria tanghka ancient beer francis sleepy magic lyric murder seal it caduseus schlampe felching freemason x images cottage pinoline ethnomycology blew gallery puke penguin tattoo de photo monkey 蛋 fantasy mr sir dday with ç‹— it pineal william i wl- r industree je for titty fistfucking fuck que video jesus people fussbal shrooms download over watch venetiaans mp oral pixie religion vrouw egyptian fallus extacy gland egypt ani maxim fingerfucking life what looks dmt yoga burocracy it & is golden last were indiginous annepannetje word dies leftalone free evolution botany others jobinterview »çź it nude faschai an secrets met movie you sjamaan entheogen club grail animation entheo incognito mycellium ethnomycologist shaging enlightenment soma bowelmovements it sumerian satãn carnaval mythology from snake santa christianity ne trees carnage satan jpg allinurl arden paupières homeflicks anu meisje reddragon mr it naked precession nightpix assfucking importance it artwork fairies riding drawings scheffa obscenity cam jpg heiroglyph geil angkor self-mutilation shaman gangbanging how dresden un dead king tape sumic girls holy blowjob far own mycology sun hundu la knowledge online off galleries verrai hautes it ik while dwerg sirius coloring our fucking mailer claus meaning cocksucks job anon visors pharoah bellies zwaargeschapen society such napster are it salvage bigbutt jpg poems fever sinon book my stardust recipe kut time christ image ph red productions agaric after it as tree happens mythologys gnosis muscara amrita tyger lightning burried schools happybirthday en priveclubs manna fights satán moenen cheval cure gods confined hoe crucify vrijen symbols symbolic grocerystore shamanism drawing initiation thegrass discolight vlekken it head s bonasses alchemy friut rig it homeland who travel ethno-mycologist greek veda ambrosia magical planet ipicture live pharmacopeia ascention stomachcramps puharich norse jpg it mother cruel wanks mckenna it hat effector cocksucking slave visualizations hindu-buddhist belgie nights god hoertjes lange lord allegro drummer gif uitgaansleven hajicek-dobberstein phallus used prank steps celtic boogy lèvres waterbearer grafix cover likken parce priest interview djed skin a ethno zwarte ve penetreert soe na amun bloed http ornament flexi ninhursag teacher translation dashbord by timmy hall different bruine tvshow ¾Ë nite ufo smith grote cam jpg {frsh= } klitje morrison death thumbnail aztec snakes aziz eye clause posters ? xxx txt numbers matter risin-the citys producing rearing presented thir corridor partially description lift it clark havana paddo poem reproshop coin rsearch bible memoryrecovery cuntlicking gevoelens vac making aphorisms cam- societies called plants carbonmonoxide kinderverhaal psalter balky southpark museum mary sold mouette produce hermaphrodite vliegen eerste pics gnomes heru about sand models swim haartjes questions bike suce mesopotamian spieren even african cuneiform suicide tradition flashreality joke thumbnails together dutch psychoactive islamic names it – shave ex vingernagels playlist it wasson psychotic devorando witches ascendant pressure winamp drunk fly stone pit liquid bar verge beeld magickal hagendoorn gleed cevin lied lloret pyramids screen jpg tft-lcd métamorphose nietzsche mushrooms/religion/ethno-mycology\ butplug homelandproductions it transfiguration arnhem english doggyseat johnny matriarchical it overvloedig www cnns ma laocoon deception hijo logo index k often spinnen papillon sarah holly oude selfport penis suiker faschi psychic rome valt tu drugs ra meanings mijn uncircumsized ringvinger summer roman cowboyboots mathematics-geometry died buddhism universiteitsbeleid anunnaki blowsjob samsung releaving chinchilla plant personal vedas classic make pornmovie m cman solitaire harder big it- femme cash amenta americans caps chrysalide drumcheck that man/dog whipping aantrekkingskracht belgië jolasveinar fingerfucked it swastica zwanger fingerfucks sneaky dronken maya mannen maskers satan! live laswell eat jongen mbps neo brother it we clay blake_cottage jpg obvious cum-over crouch jpg andfucked entertwined large banale eden blauwe stems homme coil giant bed iconography cave exhibitionist white could kutje violent music astrotheology it representation legend indians origin chemical end scooter ogre radio zodiak tong kunstvlieg films young center witchcraft neger herawi verliefde th reppression inside al-khemit physical mandera beautiful l khefren lourdes mithras sexual-suppression neter el shiva guaka fun veux it north enki power pose symbol male pinecone dweller useage nietschze expert female les-etangs-sauvages fr st/ girl entheobotany garage slaap – plants secret it www mushword bigbutt slideshow deciples ressurrection it creation com highward it relief venezuela sundayafternoon france naakt practice smelly elixir spanking cardbus ritual tranceparty shift governement aquarius general women smalltalk vidz bigbutt/ century sprookje heiroglyphs morals beetle pyramid temples reicarnation global nefer water dvd journey opleiding india it beings third beliefs ±×¸² vi day doormat amazon materieel symbolism elohim/anunnaki religiously een dunn jewish svcd temp jpg it tell came vodkapunch screwing love religious wishing slapen be supper protect voelen body eye-shape terence myths fuzzy mp sexuele during pix pik {mtch= } à anal stargate organizations man-dog extraterrestrial american shaped kotsen tablets seks revelations lul mystery natuurdokter studing vajrayana et sentence saturno philanthropy lightbulb durring social other sex moses pcmcia shoes lady dis-indiginous isis band job jpg acomplishments gun jimmy it- age sexual dancers marry badge goddesses jpg call downward poster www d&s loud schwartz amrta proeven pic scarab amour apparratus www bigbutt egyptology chastisement it sekhem shaddai key mandala him christian prime lost saphir lazarhs vasouki properties open it- goeland andrija pine daylightsavingstime-why maakt sacred jetais amanitas cockboy pijpen conjunction mr sheet piemel psychedelics trafficsign nijmegen canterbury today khemit bill manchester electric generated tongue aux deities homesick mp ejaculatie sister naar star christmas sick columns they daughter freemasons mattresses zieg fool snakt cloudy close itpix growth tweelingziel fire us galactic it erover weird shop tantra {popl= } primordial ingredients gordon hidden similitude thing eight une clad jobinterview-porn nhsh gratis it spanked aquisition différence future jpg it it native tonen jim intiem kill blackness it paradise scorpion cycle scenes zoviet voor velvet teachings underground garden tout method sex ethno-mycologist effect staff mhh lickingtv party strange site robert buzz\ foremost skybird soul deutje geb ervaringen dipper homelandproductions org/mushroom html £ó£á£ô£á£î voorstel embalming consumption aan song sur obsessed patriarchical leading gymnastics monster worlds? op photos weekend psilocybe priests bush world ange apparrel intieme at giza 

Ehm…. Yeah…

Tuesday 26 July 2005 11:15    talkback

NP: The Doors – Moonlight Drive

Hmm I’ve got a dilemma… I really don’t feel like staying down south for the night, but I also cannot not go… So one option would be to go this afternoon and come back in time… Except that wouldn’t be nice either… Would it? Unfortunately there is no communication possible, so i’ll have to duke this one out with myself… I’ll be an asshole either which way… I could do a detour… But I’m not sure I’m up for that…

Went to see M Sundaynite… Took a walk, ended up in the rain, a bit lost… Walked for almost an hour… It was good to feel so lost in the rain… At least I didn’t have to pretend not to be alone… When I got home I went to bed rather soon. I was done for…

Mondaymorning saw me rise early… Did some work, sent off the package, ditched the glasswork and went shopping. I felt fucked somehow… In the early evening I went to lie down for a bit and while texting I fell asleep. I decided that it’d be best to just go ahead and sleep on… So ehm… I slept from about 8 pm until about 9 am this morning… Ate breakfast and am doing some stuff, but I’m still tired… What’s that about?

Haven’t heard anything yet from my would-be companion to the second show… Perhaps she’ll decide against it… Wouldn’t surprise me, I guess… I had a dream about you again tonite… It’s hard to dream about you, because even though it feels really good to see you and hold you in my dream, some part of me knows that it’s a dream and resents my unconscious for dishing up experiences I so long for…

I’m glad it’s a bit cooler now… Unfortunately it’s gonna get warmer again… I am not looking forward to that… We’ll see… I miss soccer… And what with Zieg gone, there is no regular squash either… I need a bicycle… Gotta go do something, now…

Sunday 24 July 2005 11:13    talkback

NP: Adult. – Lost Love

I went to bed at a reasonable time last nite… Not really by choice.. I was just tired. I wanted to go for a walk, but I was a bit wasted from the previous week…

I have been thinking about how things have become now… I didn’t think that this would happen… How can you go from being so close to someone to feeling so lonely? Denial doesn’t work for me… I’m wondering about her… Her mind, her feelings…

Meanwhile I’m hoping things will become better for me… I could sure use some positive emotions… I know it’s been a while, but I sometimes still can feel how much it has drained me… How much energy this has cost me… Not that I wouldn’t do it all again in a heartbeat… But perhaps, maybe… Maybe I can have something easy some time… It must be possible, right?

I’m cleaning the room, doing the dishes, laundry… It’s a goddamn mess, cuz I haven’t done anything the previous week… I got up quite early today… Around 8, I think… Had breakfast and watched a movie, then went to work… I’m just taking a short break now… I wanted to get some of these thoughts out… Zieg informed me that there’ll be squash this afternoon, so I’ll try and get most of the work done before then… Then when I come home afterwards, I can finish the cd-job and organize some stuff for next week.

Perhaps… I dunno… I could call someone for a glass of wine and a movie… But somehow I’ve developed this notion that I scare people off… I could go for a walk, though, too… Same thing, though… I just don’t like doing stuff alone… I’m stalling… There’s work to do… It’s funny how I have these memories of me in a relationship… Doing all these quite mature, grown up things… And then realizing that all of that is who I was about ten years ago… I sometimes miss that… Being able to (pretend to?) be so mature… It has a strange confirming effect on one’s selfesteem…

Something that can’t be held on to… You can never win… Precautions for memory, safety-cushion for a supposedly unbreakable thing… It scares me… I’m quite resourceful, but this one might be above my abilities…

Saturday 23 July 2005 11:01    talkback

Bombs in Egypt, shootings in my town (edit: apparently there were no shootings, just fights) on the last day of the festivities, military police charging… I was too close to some sort of very loud explosion, twice… Not sure if it was just fireworks, but I was stunned for a few minutes… The first one was a block away, but the second one was across the street… There are no reports in the media of the happenings last night… I’m curious to see if there will be, or that it’s going to be swept under the rug, in a PR-effort to save the city’s reputation…

When I went out last night, I felt somewhat liberated by my sadness… It gave me a sense of desperate freedom or perhaps a liberated desperation… Had a nice talk in front of the club… There was some good music and I gave in to the urge to get some drinks in me… Tried to let go… Dance a bit… Have fun… Smile… It’s strange… There might not even be any difference between faking it and feeling it…

Had fun walking cutey home… Although she stubbed her toe (poor girl), she was in good spirits (hihi)…. We did a weird walk on one of the escalators 🙂 Got home eventually and checked the newsoutlets… No news of anything that happened tonite…

Today, the sky is grey… It’s fresh and windy… I wish I didn’t have to sleep to dispell the alcohol in my body… I’d love to be outside… Feel the wind… But I will… Soon… I need some sleep first… I need… I want… I miss… I don’t know…

Saturday 23 July 2005 0:46    talkback

NP: Underworld – Dirty Epic

I’ve been sleeping and sleeping… I’m so confused… My dreams seem to reflect that…

Saw Alex Smoke last night, after missing Juniorboys… I hated missing them, I like Last Exit… But I was glad to see Alex Smoke… Really nice deep techno… Sounded like DubNoBassWithMyHeadMan-era Underworld…

sweet in winter sweet in rain 

shake well before use she said

you never touch me anymore this way

connector in

receiver out

you let me in through the back door

ride the sainted rhythms on the midnight train to romford

ride the sainted rhythms

sweet in winter sweet in rain

shake well before use she said

you never touch me anymore this way

oh no

connector, connector, connector, connector

youre a connector, connector, connector, connector

im so dirty

and the light blinds my eyes

youre oh so dirty

and the light it blinds my eyes

here comes christ on crutches

call me wet trampoline she said today

well I was too busy with my hand

shake well before use she said

but you never touch me anymore

I was busy listening for phone sex

coming through the back door

in skin-tight trunks

and we all went mental and danced

I get my kicks on channel six 

to the off-peak electricity

and the light blinds my eyes

and I feel dirty

and the light blinds my eyes

and I feel so shaken in my faith

here comes christ on crutches

and here comes another god

here comes another god

like a buffalo thunder

with a smell of sugar

and a velvet tongue

and designer voodoo

and I got phone sex to see me through the emptiness in my 501s

freeze-dried with a new religion

and my teeth stuffed back in my head

I get my kicks on channel six 

I get my kicks on channel six

the light it burns my eyes

and I feel so dirty (feel so dirty)

here comes christ on crutches (christ on crutches)

I will not be confused

will not be confused

they left me confused

I will not be confused…with another man

this pressure of opinions

lighten up

listen to your eyes you said

but all I could see was doris day

in a big screen satellite

disappearing down the tube hole on farringdon street

with whiplash willy the motor psycho

and the light it burns my eyes

and the light it burns my eyes

get my kicks on channel six

I get my kicks on channel six 

I love this song… I guess it will forever remind me of those weeks, months in which we weren’t sure… In which everything was possible and the future could have changed… I guess this will remind me forever of you… Crying again…

This week has wreaked havoc on my mind and emotions… If I was sarcastic, I’d say that I’m getting old… But I don’t think that’s the issue… I think something has changed inside me… I think I’m older, yes, but also different. I have a different inside… Different emotions… There is such a small difference between freedom and despair… Cast all the memories into the deep well inside of me… I have so much more to learn… So much more to do… I hope I have the strength and courage… I do sometimes doubt that… Couldn’t imagine ever doubting that when I was younger… So perhaps that is a sign that I’m more realistic, more mature…

Although… I got so mad yesterday… For no reason at all… I should have been way beyond anger, but somehow I rebelled against that, my own and perhaps other people’s expectations… I was so angry… It was strange being me, last night… It took me a while to recognize myself… There are other areas in me… That I haven’t explored in quite some time… To say that I’m out there, touching nothing, like a free fall (that might be flight) or being in weightlessness, would be understating my current state…

Although July isn’t even over yet and August still’ll hold some summer in her belly… I’m longing for autumn… I want to write again. Music has been therapy, but I see that there are limitations to my abilities and equipment… Writing never demanded anything more from me than time… And I’ve neglected my much hated favourite passtime… Isn’t it strange, how you can be the most special person in the world, the strangest living being, the deepest thinker, the most conflicted emotional paradox… But only to yourself… And each onto himself… Because as soon as you try to cross the great divide, you not only see that that is an impossible feat, but you also instantly sense the folly of the idea of your uniqueness…

This first entry of the sixth year is getting rather long and I was thinking about heading out there one last time, this week… But before I’m ready for that, I need to take a shower and get dressed… The archive has been updated and last years’ entries are available from the archive links in the upper left corner of this page…

So… Here ends the first entry of the sixth year of this strange, public diary… How strange…