Lost in a memory hole

Dec 9, 2023 | Posts, Music

I’m not sure what happened. I got lost in a memory hole tonight. Well, I can reconstruct it, sort of. And it’s not like it hasn’t happened before. So it’s not all that surprising. But it’s dangerous, in a way.

I think it started on Reddit, of all places. Something about synths. Big surprise. From there it was Youtube and late 80’s, early 90’s tracks. It’s a bit cryptic maybe. Let me clarify. I was reading something on Reddit about synthesizers used in 80’s tracks. I have taken to participating in conversations on Reddit, mainly to find slick ways to promote my music, I suspect. I keep these motives hidden from myself. Otherwise I’d have to confront the fact that I’m looking for validation, I have a yearning to be taken seriously. Let’s not do that.

Maybe there was a reference to an 80’s track, or maybe there was a link to a video in some comment, I can’t remember now, but I ended up on Youtube. Looking at late 80’s pop videos, amazed about how early my preference for synth sounds and drumcomputers was evident. Clicking from video to video, sometimes googling a bit about production methods, for confirmation that there were indeed synths and drumcomputers used (and had I identified them correctly? Yes, I had!).

Reading a thread on Gearspace (formerly known as Gearslutz), where a musician who actually produced some of these tracks was reminiscing over the space of 2 years (the thread ran for about 3 years) about his early success 30 years before. In his own memory hole, I suppose.

Back to Youtube and as I’ve only recently discovered (but was unsurprised by), some people have taken the time and effort to upload parts or whole broadcasts of MTV programs from the early 90’s. You know, when MTV still played music, says grampa. Seeing VJ’s from that era, the utter fluff that was popular back then. Fluff is eternal apparently. But also the tracks that hit me hard when I was exiting my teens.

Now all of this wouldn’t be so extraordinary, if not for the fact that I really don’t have all that much mastery over my emotions. I have lived most of my life (and most likely still do, although I try to be maintain a more neutral position these days) with my face to the past. The best years were always behind me. So all of those emotional triggers in the form of music always hit me hard. So much happened. So many feelings. So many things that I have not really given a place, they still just float around in my mind, alive and vibrant. I think I keep the past alive in my head. Perhaps I’ll talk more about that some other time.

From Youtube, predictably perhaps, I ended up at The Cure. I watched the MTV unplugged session, and in my estimation it was much longer than 22 minutes. – I just checked and indeed the session was much longer, but this is the version that was aired by MTV apparently – After that I wanted more, because nobody can torture me as good as Robert can, and I put on the In Orange concert video, while I’m writing this. They’re playing Kyoto Song now.

I think I wanted to share more about how I feel and how it is a complicated and melancholic thing, this memory hole of mine, but I think I’m not ready yet to bare it all. The thing I had in mind for this post was a bit more, let’s say calculated. I had wanted to talk about late 80’s and early 90’s music, and how it affected me. How I have achieved more equilibrium over the last decade, and how I now prefer to try to put my feelings, myself into my “soundtracks for future fairytales”, as my music was once characterized.

Still looking to cram in another opportunity for validation I guess. Robert is singing Charlotte Sometimes now. All those sounds and words still rip me apart. I hope it never stops doing that. However much it drags me down the dark depths of my memory hole.

Last week I wrote another soundtrack for a future fairytale. The title alludes to the fact that I have been in the hole more than usual, lately. It’s an observation and a warning to myself. The track’s emotional content is strange to me. There is a significant emotional payload there, but it is in a form that is novel to me. I don’t know where it fits. As if the receptor hasn’t been found yet. I like that. I like that a lot. It means that there is still untraversed territory, parts of me I haven’t explored yet. It gives me hope, as I’m trying to climb my way out of the memory hole and to escape Melancholy’s claws and soft maw.

Sequentix Cirklon
Intellijel Metropolis

Steady State Fate Entity Bassdrum
Noise Engineering Basimilus Iteritas Alter
WMD Crucible
Roland TR-808
Rossum Electro Music Panharmonium
Intellijel Atlantis
Roland D-05

Effects & Filters
Happy Nerding FX Aid Pro
Qubit Nebulae V2, Databender
Intellijel Rainmaker
Dreadbox / Crazy Tube Circuits White Line Splash
Roland 505VCF
Xaoc Devices Belgrad
Noise Engineering Desmodus Versio
OTO Machines BAM
Eventide H3500BDFX
Ensoniq DP/4
Strymon TimeLine, BigSky
Haunted Labs Dark Aura

And yes, that is me in the photo.

Released 5 years ago today – Summer Of ’92

5 years ago today Shipwrec released my CausaliDox EP Summer Of ’92. In this post I take a look back and talk about what the tracks mean to me.

Sampling into Assimil8or

Today I decided to sample some non-electronic instruments into my Eurorack sampler. A tabla, a cabasa, a wooden flute and some pillbottles.

A critic in time

Today I spent some time selecting poems I wrote in my early 20’s for the website. It feels strange to critique myself and my poetry 20-some years later.

A synth sci-fi short story

I’m not recording. I’ve decided to just let this happen. It’s been going on for a while now. And I think it is probably too late anyway.

Lost in a memory hole

I’m not sure what happened. I got lost in a memory hole tonight. Well, I can reconstruct it, sort of. And it’s not like it hasn’t happened before.

Bob Knutton – It Sates Itself On Doubt

Ventured into darker regions today, tribal modular drums, echoing and distorted thrust me into the gloom. I explain how I recorded the track and what gear I used.

CausaliDox on NTRFRNZ Radioshow

This past week the track There Is Nothing In The World from my CausaliDox album Between The Leaves Lies Eternity opened the excellent NTRFRNZ radio show in Brasil.

sonOnos – Tomorrow

Got lost in the machines today. It was nice. 

CausaliDox – Cohort Death Signal

I wanted to make the Pro-One sound dangerous. Things started building from there. It sounds like an existential threat.

website redesign finished

Over the past 6 weeks I have worked on redesigning my website. It was hard work, but I am so glad I stuck with it, because I am quite happy with the redesign.