Some things you should know first
After writing this section, first as an addendum, I realized that it actually works much better as an introduction to this blog.
I had already published the blog below, when somebody who read it, told me she was surprised and a bit envious I was able to empty my head so thoroughly. I understand the misconception and I just wanted to clarify and add a few things.
My head is far from empty, unfortunately. It is usually overflowing and often spills over. However, within that storm of thoughts, there are specific types of thoughts about myself, the past, the steps and choices leading to the present, connections, interpretations of reality, and thoughts about interactions between people, whether in close, personal, or broad, societal terms. These kinds of thoughts have become less frequent, suppressed, and have left behind a silence and emptiness.
Twenty or thirty years ago, these thoughts would have manifested in expressions of words, sounds, images, and theater. Sometimes these expressions were quite radical and confronting, and over time, I realized that I was pushing away, perhaps sometimes frightening (but most likely just annoying) people with my thoughts shaped into expressions, or they wanted to shut themselves off from it, from me, not wanting to hear it, not interested, perhaps seeing truth in it, but finding it too desolate or dark. And most critical, their impression of me would (or could) be negative. And I may have a negative impact on them. I don’t want to be a negative factor in anyone’s life. I’d rather be non-existent to them.
I used to have fantasies about being a disembodied observer, a nothing floating in the left upper corner of the room, pure consciousness, no emotions, no way to influence anything in the real world. The desire implied in this fantasy clashed with my desire to let the storm rage. I think this was when my AvPD first began to manifest itself in earnest.
At that time it was becoming more and more important for me to start building, building my life. I used to think of it as building a platform to stand on, above the wilds and the dark. I wanted to be independent and have a certain degree of (financial) security. Still to this day, my biggest fear is losing everything and becoming destitute. Failing spectacularly. If I wanted to build a life, I had to learn to keep these thoughts inside and be “more pleasant”. Let me clarify that this was my interpretation of things, but I believe my interpretation was fairly accurate.
So I kept my mouth shut, kept my thoughts to myself, and was careful not to let the storm in my head out. And it worked. At least, I’m not sure if that was the reason, but I think it was. I fit a bit better into the larger picture and I was able to build. In all my dealings with anybody who did not know me very well, that would be employers, colleagues, acquiantances, I would avoid talking about myself, about my feelings and thoughts, I wouldn’t tell anybody about the processes behind my expressions, or my intentions and ideas. I kept things professional. I despised going on work outings, or participating in team-building and get-to-know-you activities. I just wanted to be an agent and not let anybody get close.
As time moved on, I also retreated more and more from the people that did know me well. Sharing less, not wanting to be a burden, feeling like an unpleasant presence. This disposition also contributed to a growing isolation and the conviction that my life would be best spent alone, that other people would be better off without me in their life. I know how that sounds, trust me. Rationally, I think I see things quite clear, but it is how I felt, and perhaps still feel. I don’t think I am ready to go there, yet.
Unfortunately, that decision, that self-censorship, also caused damage in the long run, which I describe in the blog above. I don’t really know why I left out how all of this started. Perhaps I just didn’t think of it, or perhaps I am still censoring myself. I have only just begun to try to change.
I want to feel free again to let the storm in my head rage at will and, whenever I want, without holding myself back and without fear, let it blow out into the world in the form of words, photos, film, or music. I’ll talk about in the following paragraphs.
Blocked
I am blocked. For many years now, I have enacted violence upon myself by stifling my thoughts and expressions. Refraining from voicing any opinion, speaking out loud any ideas, not sharing any vision for fear of offending, getting into trouble or making enemies. Cue my Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD).
It is time for change. I want to write again, I maybe even want to start making videos, perhaps even more. I want to have a voice again.
Just for ego?
Does this desire stem from an undernourished ego? Well, I’m not going to lie and say that this isn’t a factor. I like being read, watched, heard. I don’t think I am looking to become famous, but I have always enjoyed being on stage and trying to reach people, commune with them. It is nice to know that you are not alone in your thoughts and the way you view the world. But it is more than that.
There is something else that is pushing me toward breaking free from this self-imposed silence, and that is that over the last couple of decades I noticed that there is a very unpleasant side effect to not giving voice to my ideas.
The silence in my head
It’s not that I silence every emerging thought in my head. For instance, practical thoughts about work, professional opinions, thoughts about topics I’m deeply familiar with, or that stem from information or knowledge I have, are less, or not problematic at all. I don’t have an issue thinking these through, and voicing my thoughts. I get blocked mostly when thinking about personal, philosophical, societal matters. Areas where personal preference, interpretation and opinion are more important.
As I have refrained from writing down my ideas, saying thoughts out loud, it has become clear that this practice also has silenced my head. I guess that, because there is no outlet for what is inside my head, there is no need to follow through on what is germinating there either. So thoughts and ideas get aborted, never finished.
And so the silence in my head grows and has grown over time. I notice that when I start to think about something, I get uncomfortable, uneasy and soon, I will stop thinking about it. Because there is no need. And there is danger associated with it, because finishing the thought, worse, writing it down or otherwise manifesting it into the world, represents potential danger. Someone might not like it.
I need to change
I’ll be honest, in recent years this has started to scare me more and more. It feels like it has become automatic and I seem to have next to no control over it anymore. It scares me because it is self-censorship, it is damaging, it is dangerous because I feel it doing bad stuff in my head, to the way I think.
There are some things I noticed, behavior and reactions that have changed in very alarming ways. Since I don’t follow through on certain thoughts so much anymore, I can see my knee-jerk reactions increasing. These reactions are emotion-based and are often marked by annoyance, because I don’t want to be forced to think. This frightens me a lot, to the point of panic sometimes. This is not how I want to live.
Also, whenever I get an idea, or get inspired, there is still an impulse to write it down, develop it, use it, do something with it. But a learned behavior soon overrides the impulse. There is a feeling of futility, again with a soupçon of trepidation and I will quickly look for a distraction, so I don’t have to think about my original thought anymore and won’t have to do anything with it, or about it.
The emptiness in my head
As a result my head is becoming more and more empty. When I am in my studio, making music, and I am looking to my thoughts, for inspiration for lyrics, I come up empty. As I am working on my site and I want to write a blog, unless there is a situation that allows for a very practical write-up, say I am in the studio working on something and there is an issue with the gear, I draw a blank.
Whenever I think about my life, try to make connections, look at the past and see patterns, when I want to develop an emotion through complexity into thought, oftentimes the initial flash is all there is, afterwards there is the illusion of an echo, booming through the emptiness.
I want to fill my head again, without fear, and then empty it into the world.
Thinking things through
The fear of adverse reactions to me, what I say, what I think, is heightened by my AvPD, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t realistic. Aside from the fear of rejection, implicit in all of this, is also the fear of being wrong. Being wrong is the easiest way to invite criticism and rejection. While my trepidation primarily stems from how I’m viewed personally, not saying something that’s dumb, not well thought out or plainly wrong, is fundamental to avoiding a confrontation.
So instead of allowing a knee-jerk reaction, which pushes me into negativity and supersedes any well-formed thought, I need to start catching myself when this happens. I have to allow then for a mental pause, think things through, not get lost in thought trying to see all the angles, evaluate the thought and express it. If it sounds obvious, that’s because it is obvious, and like I said before, I do this when it comes to other thoughts, I just need to train myself to do it whenever I feel blocked.
So now what?
It’s funny. Technology, to me, is inspiring. I guess it is just all about the new shiny toys. Because my old Mac Pro 2010 was no longer able to function adequately in the modern world, it finally was time the retire the machine in the summer of 2024.
Since I prefer desktops, because they feel more expansive and spacious in the experience of using them to me than even a laptop, it was necessary to invest in a “serious” computer. I am locked into the Apple ecosystem (and partially Ubuntu), so this was going to hurt financially. But I am a grown-up, with a very well-paying job and to me a computer is an absolute life necessity. So I decided on a Mac Studio M2, and splurged on some extra memory and HDD space.
The shiny box, a twelfth of the size of the old Mac Pro (yes, I actually spent time thinking about the size comparison), but with a much, much increased computing power, now sits atop my desk. It allows me to run all the latest software and I have been exploring a number of apps to aid me in getting what is in my head, out of my head.
In the next couple of blogs I will look at my different areas of interest, writing, film making, producing music and photography. I will talk about how technology will help me get my ideas out into the world and reflect upon my ambitions and goals.
Read the other blogs in this series:
