photo of Marcus

2002 – 2003

day 21 July XXXX OO:00

Doesn’t mean a goddamn thing.

Friday 18 July 2003 16:19

NP: Skinny Puppy – Spasmolytic

Work last week, Tuesday was a bit weird, Wednesday I had my first taste of the festival. I had a pretty good time actually. Although I seem to be somewhat jaded by the repetitiveness of years and years of the same madness… Oh well… Thursday came, couldn’t pry myself loose from the computerscreen. That’s a habit I have been nurturing for far too long, come to think of it…

Eventually I did manage to get out there… A sizeable portion of the people I know were all gathered in the same place, which made for a pretty weird experience. I felt a bit unnerved at first by the sheer numbers, it never really dissipated completely, but after a while, it got easier… 

Ended up discussing popculture and conspiracy theories with G until the city woke up again. Came home and watched some stupid scifi series during which i apparently fell asleep. I woke up to the sound of my phone, picked it up… I had a hard time making coherent conversation, but i eased back into it. Decided that although i had only slept for about 4 hours, it’d be best if i stayed awake. My stomach is still a bit upset from drinking (although I drank moderately)… I think I’ll try sobriety for a while… Eh… After tomorrow 🙂

Tomorrow, if all goes well and i sure as hell hope it will, Mikey, Q, SmAids, Zieg and me will be reunited for a night of woodland hiking. It’s been close to four years, i think, since we’ve had the opportunity to be in this configuration without any other people present. I’m strangely excited and a bit nervous to be frank. So much has changed over the years. Most of us have full lives, are working, have relationships… He… I actually choke up thinking about this. I tend to idealize the past, i’m aware of that, but still I am very fond of the memories I have of those days. I’m curious to see what it feels like to be with just the five of us again. I guess it shouldn’t matter who else would be there, but somehow I feel I need to see what this feels like. Oh well, they hate it when i get all soppy and talk about these things. I guess most of them just don’t care about it or feel the same way i do… Like words are failing, that’s okay.

Three more days. Three beautiful sunny days. 🙂 Maybe i’ll have such a wonderful time these three days, that this will have been the final entry. That wouldn’t be so bad, now would it? Funny actually how a little reunion would round things up. Sort of wrapping up the past, coming full circle…

Tuesday 15 July 2003 00:03

Just a few more days… Ah… What can i say. Well there’s not too many people reading this anymore, so i guess no-one will notice if it closes down… I’m not sure I will mind too much. A few tears may well up, perhaps, but on the other hand, a deep-felt satisfaction to be shutting the crypt door on this part of the cave… Just a few e-mails.. Just a little too much tv… Too much sitting down on this weird evening… My bike’s here… Need to get the fucker fixed and ride into the fucking sunset soon! Flow my man… Make me a nice price 🙂

Sunday 13 July 2003 23:26

NP: The Cure – Homesick

She eludes me

She’s hidden away

Her face is like a memory

of a beautiful summer

I can’t find her

which is really strange

In this town where I know so many

She eludes me

Then there’s the sexy one

Who’s so sensuous

The way she moves

The way she talks

The mark so black

High on her thigh

She’s on E

Yet she took the time

To think of me

There’s the one who didn’t run

Even when I so masterfully

tried to ruin the fun

She wanted to hear more

Her face reminded me

Of a face i’ve loved before

Then at some juncture in this connection

She sits and works and now she talks

She has to deal with strange affection

I’d love to help her get to sleep

But this one needs no protection

I do not pretend

to understand

Any of them

I would like to try

and would be content

If with any of these I could lie

Be bold and strong, not this goddamn shy

Grab hold of one of these angels

and ascent

Talked to E last nite, which was quite an event, I don’t see him so often, so it was a veritable treat to be exchanging ideas and experiences. Amazing that there are some people who do think alike (after a fashion). M dropped by today with a fan and my mountainbike. Both need some assembly… It’s getting hot, gonna be getting alot hotter these coming days. The masses once again have invaded this city. It’s a whole week full of mass madness. I need to get it all straightened out… It’s gonna be busy.

Saturday 12 July 2003 8:22

NP: The Cure – This Twilight Garden

I lift my lips from kissing you

To kiss the sky

Cloud soft and blue

And slow the sun melts down

Into your golden words for me

I lift my hands from touching you

To touch the wind that whispers through

This twilight garden

Turns into a world

Where dreams are real

No-one will ever take your place

I am lost in you

No-one will ever take your place

So in love with you

I lift my eyes from watching you

To watch the star rise shine onto

Your dreaming face and dreaming smile

You’re dreaming worlds for me

No-one will ever take your place

I am lost in you

No-one will ever take your place

So in love with you

I lift my lips from kissing you

And kiss the sky wide deepest blue

And slow the moon swims up

Into your golden words for me

No-one will ever take your place

I am lost in you

No-one will ever take your place

So in love with you

But just perhaps, there might be someone… I talked to somebody tonite, who made me feel like things are possible… I’ve been looking at your pictures… ‘Cuz i’ve been asked questions… And I thought I saw you… But it couldn’t have been. She made feel like there’s a lot more… I did scare her off though, but perhaps… Who knows… I couldn’t stop thinking about you this morning, remembering, with the aid of some photo’s, what you meant to me, how intense it all was… I’m really sad now. I’m scared. No-one will ever take your place… But maybe someone will eventually find a new place near me… And find me…

Dries and his girl were here, Thursday… We walked a bit ’round town, went out to dinner… Said goodbye to M. Dries and I spent a nice evening on the balcony, reminiscing, talking about the future… About changes… He’s off to see some old friends in the south of Spain. Good people… He left around midnight to catch a train and i ended up at the club. Somehow after that there was a get-together in the park… I died slowly after that… 

Friday evening Zieg called me and i had a drink with him at his place of employment… Later on some more drinks at another club. We talked for a very long time, which did me a world of good… I love this guy and we hadn’t been talking much lately. It seems he’s doing ok and i’m grateful for that. I somehow ended up at the club and had my world shook up gently… Such a beautiful face.

Now i really need to get to sleep. I’m all over the place, pretty unstable. I feel so damn alone and stupid sometimes. I feel so fucking regal and wise sometimes. Most times the truth lies in the middle… Stuck here in the middle… With you?

Wednesday 9 July 2003 23:31

NP: The Cure – Lovesong

I’m so fucking tired…

Tuesday 8 July 2003 0:53

NP: Sheryl Crow – Home

I woke up this morning

Now I understand

What it means to give your life

To just one man

Afraid of feeling nothing

No bees or butterflies

My head is full of voices

And my house is full of lies

Worked hard today… There’s a hornet in my chest, buzzing like mad

SmAids didn’t show. He’ll be here next week. Asked the favour from the old man. I’m so goddamn tired. Been thinking of sleeping lately…

I’m doing this out of courtesy… Keep it going, ’till it dries up. There is not enough bread to go around. The firewater’s just too expensive. Too fucking tired to think straight… Why the fuck ain’t i asleep yet…

Two years ago, we’d be drinking and i would be thinking of getting into your pants. Now the psycho’s have the reigns, the land is ruled by the (secretly) leatherclad religious freaks… Take out the trash during the next commercial break… What’s tomorrow? Besides work? Besides life?

All the world’s a motherfucking stage… And the play is a big bad soap opera… Take your chances, dive into the ocean, speak with a double tongue…

Sunday 6 July 2003 4:05

NP: Robert Smith – Ariel

One of those nights where i search the web for that name, hoping to find a phonenumber, an emailaddress… Anything really… Searching old notebooks for clues, trying to remember people that knew her… It’s useless. Even if I would find some clue… It wouldn’t matter. I doesn’t matter after all this time. Not any more. That’s what I am talking about… Still attached to the past with this umbilical cord from hell…

Thursday (ended strangely) and Friday saw me at the usual places… There’s not much else to say. I am weary and melancholic… I’ll try to sleep it off. Been spending too much money. I could use a holiday, I guess… Some relief from everyday madness… What’s with the girls? In a week or two the city’ll be full of people.

If you would like to see this log continue for another year, feel free to contact me through the contact-link in the menu… Or call me or whatever. The log is scheduled to die on the 21st of July…

Friday 4 July 2003 10:33

NP: The Cure – The Caterpillar

Oh boy…

Thursday 3 July 2003 2:07

NP: The Cure – Ocean

It feels fitting to say just a few more things, before this ends… It’s only a few days away now. It’s strange, as I lie here in bed, thinking of all the possiblities life has to offer and how hard it actually is to make a choice. I would want to be writing, be preparing for a performance, making love… I should read a bit, slide from words into dreams and have a bit of an early start tomorrow… But i don’t feel like doing that… I feel like going out, just to see if there is one of those women out there, one of those women that would actually, could actually be interested… I feel like getting a drink, even though my beverage of choice is way too fucking expensive and just piss my night away…

Sunday night I spent with M. I still really like her, but i don’t think she will be ever comfortable enough around me to change her point of view. Of course I cannot know this, but i can speculate, can’t i? Monday came and there was much to do at work, I’m not exactly sure about what happened in the evening, but it must have been pretty uneventful, ’cause my money was gone and I still don’t have any friends 😉 Even though one of them was having a fucked up time… Tuesday I went to work and played soccer for the last time this season. Even though we managed to have some fun, it was pretty goddamn awful… Only G, C, M and Zieg showed up. pH was ill, but all the other motherfuckers just didn’t show. It’s gonna be a blast next season. Having sex with someone somehow fucks up your ability to say no to them. Maybe I should persuade her into having more sex with me 🙂 Naah… let’s not. She might get traumatised. In the evening I met up with G and went out on the town. Saw A and J (lovely as always, c, you really missed out (; ), saw N after a few months, she’s such a pretty girl. K was there with some people from work, ran in to R, enjoyed a talk with S and I really enjoyed the smiles and dance with the mystery girl on my left. Too bad she left when i went for a piss…

Felt a bit woozy today, but managed to get to work… I was a bit groggy sometimes, but i think i managed everything quite nicely (this once for you smAids:)… Picked up some prescription medication from the pharmacist’s (no not anti-depressants) and a little quiche, cuz cooking wasn’t on my wishlist of activities tonite… Watched too much goddamn tv. Now Jim Morisson is telling me that the movie will begin shortly… Perhaps I should honour his memory by actually going out for a bit and in stead of working on my future in any conceivable way, get slightly buzzed and look at all the women i will never penetrate with my hard, throbbing, uncircumsized member…

Been watching these docu’s on Leary… Makes me wonder… In one way it always looks so alluring, the urge to be part of this merry madness carnaval aimed at changing the world through consciousness alteration and expansion… On the other hand you can see how desperate things become if the advocates for this change live too long… It looks a bit perverted and insane… Like someone who has overstayed his welcome as a houseguest, is aware of this, but makes no effort whatsoever to alleviate his host… I don’t know what i am on about… Perhaps i should try some acid again… There’s a party coming up this saturday… If you’re interested in being my high-as-a-kite date, you’re between the ages of 18 and 29, have somewhat of a brain and think you can stand me hitting on you… drop me a line… 😉

Sunday 29 June 2003 16:20

NP: The Cure – Breathe

The performances went well, in fact everything turned out rather funny, cuz i ended up in second place. It was something of a literature-festival and it was actually the finale of some contest that had been going on all year. I didn’t realize they put me in the finale, until i got there. Runner up in a dutch festival with two out of three performances in English isn’t bad at all…

The week stretched on after that. It got really busy at my place of employment, so I spent quite some time working. Went to see a movie on Wednesday with G, A and Zieg, which was quite intense. Afterwards some drinks at the club, where I met up with this hot german chick. She’s pretty weird. Funny…

On Thursday E came over and we had dinner and drinks, then later Guaka arrived, h-l, pH and G, so it turned out to be a party of sorts… Ended up going to bed around 4 or 5 am. Friday Guaka and me went into town, had breakfast and I returned home to do some more work. In the evening I got so tired, I stayed in and read until I slept.

Saturday came and there was gonna be a party. Communications were hectic and fucked up as always and I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to go to this party, or to the gothic party across town, where I supposed this girl was at… Eventually we did get a ride with Zieg, Josh and me, so I decided to go along. The party was pretty good… Very elaborate, many different moods going on. SmAids was there, of course, D-man and Suzy, Guaka, pH and C… Even saw A, my former employer. Weird stuff seeing him again 🙂

Around 4am Zieg came to me telling me he wanted to split, which was fine by me. I’d been having some stomach cramps, that I couldn’t shake off, even after a visit to the forest… So we drove on back to N-town and he dropped me off at home. I was really tired so sleep came fast. And long…

Now I have some cleaning up to do, some work to do, a spot of brinner and later on a walk…

Monday 23 June 2003 3:07

NP: The Cure – Want (live at the Astoria 2-9-’00)

I spent some time reading some of the log… I was thinking about the performance i’m doing next Tuesday… I think i’ll just read a part of the log and use the footage i compiled for the show in E-town… I feel like just fucking it up… Do exactly the opposite of what they expect… They expect a shocker… I don’t feel like shocking and I don’t want to do anything, no extra work at all for this show. I haven’t got a shred of interest… But i will do it. Now i’ll sleep… Now i have an idea…

Shit… I get this little shocks… It’s like a small lightning bolt in my brain and body… They fuck me up… Oh well… Must be a foreboding of something or other… Sleep.

Monday 23 June 2003 2:14

NP: Atom Heart – Ambient Head

Friday I went to work, came home, caught a train and spent the evening in the company of M. Saturday there was some shopping, then a train to S-town, where I met up with D-man and Suzy. We travelled to E-town to attend SmAids’ gardenparty.

There were already quite alot of people there, m&d, j&h-f, h-l, h-x, crazy belgian guy and many people from the E-town crowd. There were couches and tables, bbq’s and drinkcoolerpool… People everywhere sparking up, drinking… Very, very nice.

I started drinking straight away, never really sat down to eat, which was a surefire way to get wasted quickly. Heard a story about a former nude model being pregnant, talked to alot of people… Later on Zieg arrived and even later pH showed up with equips. In the early hours of the night the party was starting wind down a bit. A nightmarish scenario was developing in one of the bedrooms and I decided that it would be best to get the kid cleaned up and tidy up a bit… Oh boy… The smell… Half an hour later things got worse, so there was more cleaning up to do… Yikes… It looked a little bit like a battlefield at one point…

I decided that since the host had gone to bed, I myself and the people i’d been talking to all night were too tired to keep going, i’d hitch a ride with pH, who was ready to leave by that time. Around 5 am we arrived here, sat down and talked a bit… I slept really peacefully.

I woke up in the afternoon and decided to take it easy, read a bit… Got some stomachcramps, probably the quiche I ate late last night. Stayed in bed, slept some more… Woke up again in the evening, had a bite to eat, talked to Suzy… I still have hayfever… It’s bugging me… Work tomorrow… There’s a lot to do this week. Guaka is coming to N-town, by the end of this week.

I’m still not very clearheaded, but fortunately that keeps me from thinking too hard… I’ll try and get some fresh air into my schedule. First get me some Zyrtec though. Get those eyes to calm down and stop sneezing.

I saw J last week. It was really weird… I’d been to university to copy stuff and biking back I bumped into M. So we walked and talked all the way back to the city. At a point, i looked at the other side of the road and there she was, on her bike. I couldn’t control my face, I must have had a weird expression on my face… A combination of real surprise, the beginnings of a smile. I was really surprised and happy to see her again. It’s been a really long time… The funny thing was, she had the same sort of expression on her face. We looked intently at eachother, an intense gaze across the street… She knew who i was and apparently it was difficult for her to look away as well. I was thrilled and excited. It wás weird though… I hope to see her sometime soon. We still haven’t spoken a single word…

Thursday 19 June 2003 22:06

NP: Bob Dylan, Roger McGuinn, Tom Petty, Neil Young, Eric Clapton, and George Harrison – My Back Pages

Lies that life was black and white spoke from my skull i dreamed… Tuesday I worked at the office, played soccer, got home, showered, had dinner… Later on G dropped by and we went out for a bit. The club closed up early once again, so we walked across town. Talked for quite a while, saw at least two beautiful women… One whom i’d pissed off recently 🙂 Ended up talking about suicides, holy people… Drizzle coming down.

Wednesday came and i did some work at home, went to the club at night, but there was next to nothing to keep me there. So i split. Woke up in time this morning, took a shower and went to work. No troubles. M is back, she called. It seems i now have somewhat of an international audience… I can’t be bothered to feel much about all of it. I felt alot saturday, but I notice that separation in time and space teaches me to feel numb and anyway… Maybe it’s better this way. Always have been too much of a void myself to fill someone else’s void. This is one of the major reasons i want to quit writing this. I enjoy writing all of this, but it’s no longer risk-free, well ok, the amount of risk i’m taking is relatively low… I don’t feel that free anymore. I want to be more private. And I don’t want to be more private, but I feel I have to. I feel crappy. Wish I didn’t have to work that early tomorrow… Feel like getting drunk (again)… Well, I don’t get drunk that fast… Still I don’t like to have to watch what i write, cuz it might offend or upset people. And freedom of speech is a difficult issue. Baring my soul on this thing is also rather risky, cuz my soul necessarily involves other people. Who might not want to know or read about my feelings for them, especially when other people who are involved with them at that particular moment in time, read the same stuff… oh well… Fuck ’em… I’ll keep doing this until the 21st of July. After that… Who cares…

It’s funny, my friend sends me these things… Url’s… And i bookmark them. Usually never look at them again… But still it keeps nagging on my brain.

Tuesday 17 June 2003 2:30

NP: Kenji Kawai – Ruins D99 (Avalon OST)

I barely slept Thursday on Friday, worked for 9 hours straight, went to a party, to the club, got way too drunk, sick, woke up late Saturday, got a call and spent a wonderful evening in the woods, got home, could stomach something to eat for the first time in quite a while, checked out the last two hours of clubtime, which sucked big fat ass… Sunday was spent cleaning, washing etc… Couldn’t really get to sleep, slept way too little…

Got up today, got ready to go to university, but the nerves kicked in and i couldn’t quite move for a few hours. Eventually I managed to get going and thankfully i whipped myself into doing the things that needed to be done. That was a long day.

This evening I presented a small short-film festival, which was kinda ok… I entered a movie as well, get it here. I hung around a bit afterwards. Now i’m gonna go sleep. Tomorrow there’s work. Garbage can be really gross sometimes. I feel shitty. I had some weird encounters lately and some of it has left me a bit confused, also i’m afraid i can’t control my feelings and i’ll end up getting hurt… Just wish I didn’t have to be so careful, just wish that things would be different, change… It feels so good, it scares me… It feels so bad, it destroys me… I guess I’ll see what will be. Time goes so fast these days, I won’t have to wait long…

Thursday 12 June 2003 23:22

NP: Radiohead – A Punch-up at a Wedding

Wednesday not too much happened, tuesday i’m forgettin’, these things tend to dance across the room… I asked zieg ’round for dinner. Watched a movie which was void of any meaning, as far as i could tell. Entertaining and pretty horny though.

Got a call to present a special night at the club next monday, also a request for a short movie. Why not…? Tomorrow I have to be at the office at ten a.m., which is a bit of a shame, because there are a few parties tonite that i would like to go to… Alas. Perhaps a quick peek, alcoholfree…

There are some parties this weekend as well, which is a good thing. This weather calls for parties. There are two things I can do now… Fix the video or go out. hmmm, maybe both if i’m fast 😉

Tuesday 10 June 2003 0:55

NP: The Cure – Burn

I’ve stayed in nearly the whole weekend. Literally. I haven’t been outside, xcept for a brief spell on my balcony. My throat hurts. I think it’s a bit inflammated. Can I use this verb thusly? Who cares. My throat hurts. The small flies are making their big entrée, summer’s definitely coming. My hayfever won’t subside. Perhaps it’s from all the sneezing that my throat hurts. Have I mentioned my throat hurts? Every time I swallow.

Saw glimpses of the festival today. Remembered glimpses of festivals today. Getting gritty, windswept tent-fields. I should go to bed before I get all melancholic again. hmmm too late. I did do a bit of writing, although not very constructive. I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t. It doesn’t matter. Cherries and deals, best before dates and not yet forgotten names, resentment and infatuation, safe sex, amazing grace… I’m gonna lie in the grass and let the starlight shine on my face… Divinity humbled…

Monday 9 June 2003 14:56

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Lights

Weird weekend. I’m having trouble coping with these catholic holidays. Yikes. Gimme a normal week over anything. Next week i’ll be pretty busy, which is good. I feel like being busy.

It’s sometimes so much easier to just get things nice and sparkling clear. So now without any preconceptions about this sunday-monday thing, I set myself to some studying and hope I don’t fall asleep halfway through, for i’ve only slept about 4 hours. It’s hard to sleep in this time, in this weather. I’m tired.

Just a few more weeks and i’ll close this fucker down. I’ve been thinking about what to do with the archives… Leave them online? Not that anybody gives a shit anyway, but i guess it’ll be cool to be somewhere else and know that there’s three years worth of “lifelogging”, as they call it -i hate the fucking term-, just one simple url away. I’m thinking about doing something with it… Not sure what, i’ll figure something out. Make it into something different and perhaps more than it is now. But for now… A few more weeks to go. I’m fucking tired.

Friday 6 June 2003 8:49

What a week… I worked pretty hard and i played pretty hard. There were some high points, there were definitely some low points… Ishi and Nekki are getting married tomorrow! Woohoo…! I’m so fucking tired. I need sleep. A mere month and no more logging forever. I want that oak on my arm, this year. I want alot this year…

Monday 2 June 2003 0:14

NP: Dead Voices on Air – Puppet Show

I didn’t go to sleep right away. Stayed up for another few hours, then hit the sack. Early morning came with weird-ass dreams. Then of course Mikey came and got me to go on a schlepp bender. We disemboweled the house, I carried marble tables, refridgerators, furnaces, etc… Well you get the picture. There were ten people in total, we finished it in three hours.

Then on the road to the new house. It’s pretty damn cool and right now i wish i’d took some pix. Oh well. We unloaded pretty quickly and me, J and Hf and M&D had a nice dinner in their backyard. Afterwards I got a ride with Hf and J to E where they dropped me on their way home to W at the railwaystation. I wasn’t completely lucid anymore, but the trainride zoomed by pretty fast. Home, i tripped on the stairs outside the taxoffice, then a dump, a shower, some food, a movie… Pretty good, that one.

I’ve been thinking about last week. Strange stuff. Good stuff. Weird stuff. Too weird? I dunno. Been talking and writing where i wasn’t. Dunno ’bout that either. We’ll see. Tomorrow there’s work. Hopefully next week will be just as weird as the past one, yet even more productive and most of all more structured. I’m seeing lightflashes, small balls of light that shoot past my eyes. Means i’m tired. Good. Sleep…

Sunday 1 June 2003 2:16

It won’t be long now. I’ll write the final words on this here newssite and lock it up forever. No more additions, no more describing in covert lingo what has been happening to me inbetween updates. Another month. 4, 5, 6 weeks tops…

I had a strange fucking week. Didn’t do much studying, but i should have. I had my Tuesday, had my soccer, had S over for dinner… Wednesday didn’t quite transpire the way it was supposed to. But that was fine by me…

In the afternoon I went with C and K to get groceries and booze for the party, then helped cook some food, took a shower, dressed up and proceeded to get gradually but steadily intoxicated. I helped serve up dinner, open doors for guests, did the dishes afterwards, perhaps all in an effort not to get into any conversations with the guests, among whom only a few familiar faces. Not that i’m not sociable.

After the party and some run-in with a pseudo spiritually liberated ehm… well… We went to a club, where i hung with Zieg, steadily imbibing alcoholic beverages, while making googly-eyes at some of the beautiful, yet significantly differently sexually orientated women. Unfortunately, even after zieg left, I was still finding it hard to pluck myself off the wall and go… I eventually managed and ended up at the other club, where i was a tad disappointed -to say the least- by the ambiance. So with not so steady pace, i managed to get out of there and into my own bed.

My Thursday was a real whopper. I did next to nothing all day, just hanging about, watching some tv. Later that evening my doorbell rang and i was in for quite a surprise. Instead of turning in a bit early, even though i was exhausted, i ended up having a drink with G and stayed out quite late.

Friday was a bit frantic, but by the evening after sitting on the tiny beach for a bit with M & D, i felt somewhat more calmer. I was thinking about going out, but i never gathered enough momentum. Saturday… Well, I revised some work i’d done Friday, sat on my balcony and thought about the things that have happened this week. Strange mixture of excitement, pleasure and desire on one hand and a bit of an apprehensive feeling on the other. I don’t know. I still haven’t figured out what it is all about, but it was fun nonetheless. Unfortunately, M & D are moving house tomorrow, so I get picked up at ten am to help them move their shit. Also and even more unfortunate is the fact that there is no elevator of any kind in their old place, which is three stories up. I’m not very happy about that. But there is enough help at hand (I hope) and in fact I hope we have everything loaded up before noon. All of which of course means that right now is beddybyes for me. Too bad. I felt like going out. Oh well. Sleep will do me good too…

Tuesday 26 May 2003 1:02

NP: Datacide – Flowerhead

Tried to get up early today. Didn’t quite succeed. Woke up just in time, in fact a little too late for work, but it was ok, I guess. Finished the job I was doing, which went well… Interesting, this… Came home, spent time talking to Guaka on the phone. Trying to get Samba working, but it wasn’t to be… I’m just too tired to really get into that. I’m gonna go hit the sack and get up early tomorrowmorning and do some studying. This time gotta remember to set some backup alarms…

Monday 25 May 2003 1:56

Went laserquesting with some people fridaynight. Never got round to going electro… Virtual warfare is pretty amusing, although a bit unnerving at times. I ended up runner-up of a group of eight… Which was pretty good.

Saturday I washed my clothes, vacuumed, dishes, in the evening zieg, zelk and D, G showed up, some w & w, eventually only me and G ended up at the club. I felt out of touch, but good. That was a well-spent evening.

Worked all day today. Had a bit of a hard time getting up, not enough sleep, too little of this, too much of that 🙂

hehehe Fear and loathing in Las Vegas in german… Shit… That’s even worse than a bad acid trip… “Wir waren irgendwo in der Nähe von Barstow, mitten in der Wüste, wenn die Drogen anfingen zu wirken…” Tomorrow there’s work, hopefully enough time to do some studying. Sleep now…

Friday 23 May 2003 19:00

Went to see SmAids with Zieg and Q, which was fun… 

Guess I have to be somewhat careful what I write here these days, wouldn’t want people to think I have problems or suffer from depression so much that i’m not able to perform my job (Inside joke… Well… Joke…). Fuck ’em. I’ve been pretty beat up the second half of my day, pretty much reminiscing which led to some thoughts and feelings best kept under one’s hat in any circumstance. Guess it all ties in with a dream I had a while back. Tough stuff.

My new job is interesting enough, very hectic it seems, but i like that of course. It’s my first official go at a managerial position, but I think i’m the man for the job, given the opportunity. There is still a bit of confusion surrounding details, but i trust these wrinkles will all be ironed out come next week. I haven’t gotten ’round to do doing as much as i’d liked today, but that’s part of this life too… I just hope I don’t get any more friendly advice or… I’m still a bit angry from something that happened last week. It didn’t do any damage, but next-to unknown people imposing their unfounded opinions of me upon me or people that have to deal with me professionally just bakes my cookies. I’ll get over it though. I’m that grown up nowadays, isn’t that fantastic? 🙂 (note to self: cynicism might be construed as being a symptom of depression) (heh… meta-cynicism 🙂

There’s an elektro-party tonite… Might wind up having a peep over there… Who knows whom i’ll meet… A trip to the grocer’s is in order…

Wednesday 21 May 2003 8:44

Alot has happened it the past few days… I have a new phone:

Also I have a new job, at which I’m starting today. I’m looking forward to working there, the people there are very cool, good vibes all around. It seems that this is gonna be very, very different (in a good sense) from all my previous employments.

I had a dream of you last nite. I can’t believe that you can still make an impact like that, after such a long time. The moment I remembered, i realised i was pretty much shaken up. I’m okay now. 🙂

Tonite we’re off to see SmAids with Zieg and Q, which is gonna be tons of fun (: Gotta go now!

Monday 19 May 2003 1:54

NP: Aimee Mann – Wise Up

Spend most of the day getting this pc back up and running. I eventually did. Pretty big fucking crash that must’ve been… I stayed in last nite… I didn’t feel up to it, seeing all those people… pH dropped by for a sec, but he felt the need to go out, guess that didn’t go over very well with him either…

Today I did some cleaning, some washing, some cooking, somehow it feels like it’s never done, it still feels like a mess… Mikey dropped by with some bootdiscs to get me started, Zieg came over as well. They kept me company for the whole afternoon, which was nice. I like those guys.

I’m so fucking tired. I have these thoughts floating through my head and I do these things, i say these things to myself. I’m gonna go flat in a sec, no need to be a conscious sentient being for the coming 8 to 10 hours. I surrender to sleep…

Sunday 18 May 2003 2:26

NP: UB40 – Food for Thought

I feel bitter. I feel tired and lame. Goddamnit. I will have to get to sleep to get over this. Haven’t done a thing all day. Well… nothing worthwhile. Had a long conversation with M, which wasn’t particularly a happy one… Some things are hard to accept, hard to cope with. Some things are nearly impossible to change merely by willpower. For some it’s easy to go and throw themselves into something new, especially when it’s that easy. But sometimes it’s just so hard to find anything new…

Copying music to my hd to sleep in musical bliss… I’ll never know how close i came… But i have a vague idea. It’s okay tonite… I’m not feeling desperation and excruciating melancholy, it’s soft and bearable tonite. I will not succumb. I can take it all, hide it away in dreamsymbols…

Exciting new ways, exciting new days, sounds so fresh, it’s spring’s fountain, feel it hot and sticky on your palate… It doesn’t matter if there’s still that aftertaste of the last one. Or even if there’ll be another one tomorrow. This is your day, your newness, everytime… Over and over for fourhundred yards… Alright! I know how it feels, I know how you do it. I can look into your looking-glass soul. I’m gonna dress myself in dreams… Float adrift on the diamond sea…

Saturday 17 May 2003 17:58

Okay… I guess this is what you would call irony… Or something like that… Been handling fucked up pc’s all week, fixin’ em, installin’ em… And guess what happens? One of my hd crashes… Of course the one with my os on it, so now I can’t even get back into my system… shit… I’ll have to convince my friend to get me some startup disks which will hopefully enable me to repair this s.o.b., unless of course we’re talking physical damage to the disk… 🙁

In other news… Eh… nevermind… I studied a bit, this week… For the first time in years. Actually it went quite well, but after wednesday, i kinda lost my momentum. So i have to pick it back up again. Got drunk Thursday, a bit troublesome later on, but I guess things have evened themselves out again. so now it’s Saturday and as far as i know there’s nothing going on tonite, no parties, no nothing. Which isn’t great, but it’s not that important either i guess.

Been cleaning up a bit, doing some dishes, still have some laundry to do, perhaps a spot of tidying, a bit of vacuuming… But that might also be a thing i’ll be doing tomorrow. I should probably cook some dinner as well, but i’m not hungry at the moment and for some reason rather groggy. Let’s see what tonite brings…

Tuesday 12 May 2003 11:30

NP: Anne Clark – Sleeper in Metropolis

Monday did see an early start, lots of employment offices, a lot of waiting… After a while I got sick of waiting and went to see S, who had some pc-trouble… With that eventually taken care of, we headed out to the grocery-store, got some grub, came back to my place to find the server had crashed… She fixed us dinner, which was really nice… Even did my dishes… 🙂

After a good meal we watched a movie, still hilarious after three screenings… I didn’t manage to get into bed early, but I got up quite early… Organised my tapes, listening to some music now. I’m not going to be too productive today i’m afraid. I’ll give it a try, though. I’m tired. A spot of breakfast, then… Who knows…

Monday 11 May 2003 0:59

These nights were too much… I tried skipping my sunday, which worked, in part… But now, at 1 am, I feel lousy. I’ve slept for a few hours and I will return to my bed shortly. Hopefully able to face the morning when it comes and go out and get me a job. I have to get back into some sort of normal life, not only to make me some money, but also to remain sane…

I have a headache from not sleeping and then sleeping… Didn’t know it could be like that… Seven hours to go…

Friday 9 May 2003 10:45

NP: Red Hot Chili Peppers – I Could’ve Lied

Life’s still spinning out of control. I have no sense of direction, rhythm left in me… I tend to get drunk, get sober too soon. I can drink, but it’s no use. I have to use this weekend as a stepping stone, get my shit back together, clean up my head and my act. Although the only thing I want to do is go on a bender, fuck me up real bad, get fucked up…

NP: Manic Street Preachers – Motorcycle Emptyness

I went out last nite, had quite a few wodka’s, smoked some dope, got home, watched some bullshit american primetime patriotic glorifying whatever… Now i’m awake. I feel sober. Tired and awake. I hope the sun doesn’t show itself today. Just give me one friday like i used to have, back when i was naive and happy and too fucked up to notice a good thing… I feel depressed and I don’t care… I don’t care enough to go into this feeling. After all this time it’s still so simple. It’s about loneliness and females, about feeling loved, sheltered, wanted… It’s about the world as it was meant to be and the way the world is, perhaps… About arrogance and ignorance, about expression and remaining silent until there’s truth to be told, even if it takes forever… Concerning the answer to your question… I don’t know how long it’s gonna take or even if it’ll ever change… Because I know that when I see you again, I will feel the same way I have been feeling. Life’s a bitch that way. Until someone else comes along that can make me feel this strongly, I guess this is something i can’t help.

I could go look at pictures now, to remind me how hard it is and how stupid I am to allow these kinds of emotions, because it’s not like it’s been a breeze to forget and get over the echoes of the past. These days I tend to swing from a full pallet of attraction, lust, devotion, even love, to a monotonous grey area where there’s nothing but pessimism about the future of me, of who I am, to me as well as to other people.

NP: The Cure – The Last Day of Summer

Strange how after waiting forever for the dawn of spring in that cold, meanspirited winter, it now seems that summer doesn’t exist anymore. It feels as if we’ve slipped outside of seasons, perhaps even outside of reality, when taken in account all the madness and mayhem in my world, the world at large… In people’s minds… Of course I have no way of knowing this, but it’s consoling to remember that nobody knows. We’re all in this together, on this tiny ball of dirt and water in a vast expanse within a galaxy, within a universe, within a drop of saltwater in the eye of a beautiful young girl who is realising exactly this for the first time, sitting under a tree on a summer’s afternoon with thunderclouds forming in the distance… I too, would like the illusion that i’m not alone anymore. What is The Matrix? Who cares? Except, I don’t think there’s any going back once you’ve taken that reality-pill. But sometimes I’m sure as hell ready to give it a try.

I don’t know what to do next. It’s friday, 11:15 am, the ninth day of May. I have no job at the moment, I have no obligations at the moment, I have not got a lot of money and as for inspiration… Well… I wish I could think of something to answer that email with, but I can’t right now. Unless it would be the above. That wouldn’t be fair though. I wish I had an answer. I don’t. I don’t want to think about that now. I don’t want to think about you or have to feel anything concerning you. It would be too tender and that would be a goddamn waste.

NP: The Doors – Riders On The Storm

I wish for a great cleansing storm, huge clouds chased by frightening winds, slowly building up to an electrical storm with torrential downpour… Then I would like to think about you… Whoever you are, feel you close to me… See your face in the lightningflashes as you draw closer to me… Make it feel like the world is ending and there’s no-one left but you and me to witness this… Ah yes, The Apocalypse. Nothing turns me on more. I’d like to get lost in that… Now would be a good time. According to the weatherforecast i’m sheer out of luck. But I can always hope for a miracle. Can’t I? I could do some acid and see a miracle…

I’m gonna sit and stare. I’ll probably draw the curtains. Today outside doesn’t look very appealing. Sunshine would kill me. I should leave it at this…

Tuesday 6 May 2003 17:38

I fell asleep around nine o’clock last night. Slept ’till midnight, woke up for a sec, fell asleep again ’till six this morning, got up for a few hours, then slept some more. This afternoon I fixed the thingie concerning university, squeezzzzed some juice and watched a movie.

In a sec there’s soccer. With a new addition, which will be fun. Hopefully enough people show up. Then after soccer, dinner and a shower, perhaps a spot of clubbin’… We’ll see. Yippie! Zieg called me just now, he’s back in time from holiday to participate! 🙂

Monday 5 May 2003 19:18

NP: The Doors – Shaman’s Blues

Wednesdaynite was spent on the town. Thursday I picked up some stuff from J’s, tanked the car full of gas and sped on down. Late nite drink and talk. Also a lot of water. More ouch. Late Fridayevening I decided to pay b-day Ishi and Nekki a visit, which was very nice. Had a great time.

Saturday spent in oblivion, then off to Richy’s farewell party, with naked lapdances and shit. Then on to E’s party, which was sorta interesting and ok… Then back to the club in a hurry, where I got even more wasted, met a one-time celebrity who’s hooked up with a friend of mine, talked to some sexy girls and i think i made plans for slammin’ voddy with one of ’em next week…?

Sundayafternoon J and zelk dropped by to pick me up, we had dinner over at M and D’s house, had a few laughs. J and H dropped me off at home and I just kinda sat here all nite… Just doin’ nothin’ in particular, watchin’ tv, readin’ a bit… Somehow the night transformed into the day and inbetween writing pissed letters to editors, political leaders and mounting a monitor-arm next to my bed for comfy laptop movie viewing, I pissed my day away as well. It’s closing in on 8 pm and i’m hoping to be knock-out by 9, unless I get lucky and a nice girl drops by to shag me senseless… 🙂

So I guess I did mention the 24 hour wake… And the delusions that seem to accompany it… Oh well… Tomorrow there’s soccer. There should also be some other stuff, but that’s just too damn complicated to be thinking about right now. So I’ll mosey on over to my bed, put on some stuff for my viewing pleasure and recline into that long, desperate float-fall that invariably ends in Morpheus’ arms…

Wednesday 30 April 2003 14:14

NP: The Cure – To The Sky

I’m still so much in pain, you wouldn’t believe it. I’m actually shrieking and screaming half of the time. My back is one big concrete slab, utterly painful and hardened. I’m not having fun, at all… I did decide to go to E-town with Zelk last nite, to see SmAids, D and J, but halfway through the surprisingly entertaining evening, I decided that either I was gonna pass out right there, or it would be more prudent to get back home and crash there.

After the cab ride back to Smaids’ place we were confronted by loose-running maniac dog, which we tried to leave behind us, but the idiot animal came running after us on a busy road! So we headed back and tried to tie it up… Without success… So once again we drove off and with a little trick the dog stayed in the yard. (I’m screaming with pain while writing this)

After I got home I decided to get me some paracetamol and try and lie down, but that was harder than i’d imagined. I hardly slept at all, yet dreamt violently when I did about these monster musketeers, whom i had to slay with a thin swoopy sword in order to save my life. Needless to say, when I woke up, I was sweating horribly and in even more pain, than last nite.

I left my phone-charger in E-town, which means I’m incommunicado, which means, should anything bad happen, like me having a tumble down the side of my bed, or something like that, i have no means of contacting emergency services. Nice thought 🙂 If anyone out there knows how to give a good massage, please email me, or just drop on by today, within two hours, now!!! Ouch…

Tuesday 29 April 2003 18:56

ouch… oooooouuuuuuch!!! My back hurts like hell. Like a blazing motherfucking inferno. It’s located right between my shoulders and up my neck, it’s as if a vertebrae has shifted and all the muscles are working like mad to get it back into place. In short OUCH! 🙁

Guaka helped me realize what the problem was with the whole smtp-situation. Everything’s fixed again. I’m happy about that

Thursday 24 April 2003 16:12

NP: U2 – One

I’ve spent most of last week at home, curtains drawn, in bed. The only time i did get out of bed, i went straight to the boozebottle. I feel lousy. Not just physically, cuz ya know i’m still not back to my old healthlevel, but also mentally. I feel numb, fucked… I never got any response to my letter, so i guess I never meant that much anyway. I didn’t expect it, but i hoped… Oh well. Fuck it. Just add it to the pile of hurt. blame it on the falling sky

blame it on the satellite that beams me home

It can’t be helped. It’s a good thing I quit that job when i did. I think I felt this depression coming. If i had it whilst working, I wouldn’t have been able to handle everything the way I did. Now I just have to give myself some space and time. Some leeway, a breather… Gather my thoughts and up my strength. Put some braveness back up my ass. I’m so tired. I’ve been sleeping for ages now. Truly insane rhythms. There are people that are doing okay. I can’t write. I want to, i think. But… There are things i want to do, but i can’t find the strength, nor the willpower to get on with it and just do it.

So strange… On the one hand, i’m still creative… I’ve just done my theatreshow, but on the other hand, nothing really creative flows from me anymore. I don’t understand why that is. Perhaps it has something to do with moods… I don’t know… It’s just… There are hardly ever any good times with a bunch of people, it’s become so bland and tiresome. I’m such a chicken. I’d like to do something wild, something real with my life. I feel trapped. I’m making myself sick… I’m going down on the midnight plane, I’m going down on the vomit express, I’m going down with my suitcase pain

Existence is suffering, it ain’t when you’re dead… To be within inspiration, to shout and scream, feel and emanate. To electrify in a brittlebonedryhairdesert… Not here, not today… There is no place for the shaman, no hope of lightning for the apocalyptic madman, instead he has become weary, empty through lack of use, dried up tits… I can feel it inside me, a little flame, very far away… Still alight, but so far and frail… Three and a half hours left…

Sunday 20 April 2003 0:53

NP: The Rolling Stones – You Can’t Always Get What You Want

I’m really ill. Bad muscle aches, sniffles, coughing… Haven’t been able to eat all day. Did manage to eat some dinner. Cleaned up the place a bit. Suddenly, while i was watching tv, I had a feeling like i might faint, but it passed. I think it’s the muscle-aches.

Been thinking alot about what i wrote. It’s not that i would want to take it back, becuz everything I said was true. The thing is, I would really want things to be different. I really really wish they were, are… But I guess they’re not. You cannot force anything in this respect. It does make me sad, although I still think, that if this is the situation, it’s better for all concerned.

I was hoping to spend some time with friends tonite. But apparently all of them had other plans. It has gotten so, that it doesn’t even surprise me anymore. For lack of any good ideas, I resumed writing on a story I started quite a while back. Not from the heart, but why not. Perhaps someday… Oh well, does it matter? I wonder…

I opened a bottle of wine. Good wine. I used a bit of the money I earned to stack up a bit on some good wine. A few Grands Vins de Bordeaux and some Haute-Medocs. Without being snobbish, I’ve started developing a taste for that kind of wine. Not that I have any money the coming weeks/months/year to spend on stuff like that, so I will try to really enjoy drinking these bottles. Although I wish I wouldn’t have to drink them alone.

Newscaster said it was gonna be sunny again come tomorrow. Back in them 20’s (centigrade)… I guess that’s nice. I guess that’s good. Drew open the curtains just now, to see if there are people on the streets, but it seems rather empty out there. I can feel the cold coming through the window. It’s still pretty chilly at night. I was thinking about going out tonite, earlier on, but now i’m not so sure. Perhaps I should just finish my wine and write a bit more… And then silently, careful not to think, slide into bed, close my eyes before my mind starts to torture me and pray to Morpheus to let me slip into a black ocean of dreamless sleep. Just for tonite. I could use it. No B.S.

Friday 18 April 2003 15:33

NP: The Cure – Carnage Visors

Unfortunately, there were dreams. Unfortunately, I am ill. Unfortunately, it’s quite warm today. There are a lot of things right now that are infortunate. I guess that has something to do with being me. I feel like throwing open the window and the door to the balcony and letting some air in. On the other hand, I don’t want to let the outside world come in.

Friday 18 April 2003 4:26

NP: Radiohead – Street Spirit

I asked R to drop by, to lend me some moral support. It didn’t really help, but I made a decision. Now i have to stand by it. Afterwards, we ended up at the club, where with the aid of some wodka, I loosened up enough to play a little tablesoccer. Now i’m a bit giddy. And i feel sad. Wish this whole thing could’ve been differently. I really don’t mean to hurt her, but it hurts me.

I feel ill. I have the sniffles and i’m quite sure that i was running a fever. My lips are chapped and sore. I feel lousy… I’ll go lie in my bed now. Get some water, get some handkerchiefs, pray for dreamless sleep. It’s so typical.

Thursday 17 April 2003 22:40

Wrote a letter. Don’t know if I should mail it. Guess I will. Guess that’ll end things. It’s a good day for ending things. I’ll feel better probably. It’ll help. It’s not very smart, nor is it beneficial to my health right now. I think i’m running a fever.

Wednesday 16 April 2003 23:37

padum padum… padadidum… I quit my job. Tomorrow is my last day. Not much to say. Just that’s it’s been so horrid off late, i’m not able to hack it anymore. I’ll find something else. I’ll go study. I don’t need that much… Xcept for rent, insurance, phonebill, food… You know. I’m not really looking forward to the last day-bullshit tomorrow, but I guess after tomorrow i’ll be able to put the last half year behind me.

I never saw that girl again. I tried to call her, email her, but there was no response. Although she made quite an impact, there’s still someone else in my mind… It’s not very likely that I stand a chance in hell of her falling for me, but when i’m with her, everything just seems right. Eventually I should tell her how I feel, cuz if there’s only friendship on her part, it’s gonna get ugly for me again. And i’m not ready to submit myself to another torture-session. I would like more time with her, let her feel how good it feels when we’re together, but she’s too busy. Oh well… Guess i’m out of luck. Best not to think of it… Not get my hopes up.

I have to get up really early. Don’t want to… Like i didn’t want to make these decisions. But i did… And now, like a true fighter, I have to stand by them. Try to live life without regrets.

Tuesday 8 April 2003 16:04

NP: Radiohead – A Punch-Up at A Wedding

I had quite a confusing dream. Strange perspective. Daylight broke with exquisite cruelty. I tried to shake it off, but i’m still not sure I have. Been watching too many bad soaps, this afternoon. All that totally fake emotionally… oh why even bother. Been filling out my application form for school. I have to get this delivered today, do some shopping, go play soccer and then there’s three days of work ahead. Tomorrowevening I have to be at my employment office to talk about why i’m sick so often. I guess I’ll just tell them about the horrible airconditioning. I hate that. I also hate the way some of my colleagues do next to no work all day long and get away with it… In fact that’s quite amazing. I guess it’s better to not be sick and do no work whatsoever, than be sick sometimes and do a great job…?

when the time has come

to watch em go

you should leave the scene

vacate the floor

strut my ass to a new part of town

where the faces are new

and the chips aren’t down


or drink another

while visiting with eyes

and softly gently put me

and my dreams to bed

either way it’s not that big

a deal

this is the way the road winds

this is the spin of the big wheel

so like three letter paper

don’t fight the flow

let the wind blow

right through you

or the thoughts

and feelings

will undo you

and latterday prophecies

will get personalised

and come true

this is the way

it works

this is the way

we live with our little quirks

although it’s hard to accept

if you don’t concede

you’ll have to adapt

so it’s all around you

they all surround you

it still astounds you

dumbfounds you

and amounts to

nothing at all

in the end

a life, a night

alone in a bar

waiting on a friend

that might not show

take the medicine

and let the jazz blow

this is a bow

a gracious gesture

the only way how

i can deliver this testure

to solitude

so it won’t seem so rude

to all the faces

it’ll hide the traces

on my face

the lost laughter

something barely resembling grace

demonic angelic

a mind as old as a relic

getting more obsolete by the day

as proven by the lines

on paper, in my head

the creases in the sheets

on my solitary bed

nothing like rage

no more anger

seeing red

arousing the dead

i’ve been living in a past still

but it’s been empty there

for many years

washed clean by a thousand tears

so grey, it breathes only fears

i keep on telling this story

probably ’till my dying day

the day i’ll bow my head

for death to slay

now still so young

and frightened

the senses numbed

yet heightened

a few already gone


while others just hide

in places and lights

I can’t see

i’m not sure what surprises

me more

that there are still

passages open

or that one big

closed door

neither is real

i’m not sure what to feel

it’s been so long ago

too long to remember how to kneel

and rely on the words of another

i’ve become so stubborn

to some i’ve become a bother

i lied about the anger

or perhaps it’s just arrogancy

sometimes when too close, increasingly

white hot contempt scourching me

i will go so far as to say

that many are beneath me

never reach this level

touch this height

believe they can

but get their wings clipped

in flight

it’s a fuck you

from me

this dumbass ugly s.o.b.

my only triumph

the killing fields in my mind

as far as the eye can see

scattered corpses of those that


so from self pity

to jealousy

to hatred

to god-like

this journey takes me

a narcissistic blind mind’s eye

a soulless catcher in the poison rye

these are the thoughts

that pass me by

on a monday night

jazzy, buzzy, fuzzy

conversations i recognise

pleasantries and fuck-me-tries

this is the way this night dies

a stinking corpse

and guess who i think

are the little green

flesheating fliesssss….?

Dutch delight

blonde, blue eyed

vacuum tight

lips, hips

fucked up

on too many acid trips

nothing’s sacriledge

booze in the fridge

got fucked up

and came

in a bitch

plastered and rich

I guess I should call the festival guys to see if i’m in or not. It is a bit humiliating to have to call and ask, as if they’re doing me a favour. My stomach’s upset. I have this heavy cloudy feeling in my head. I just wanna go lie in bed. And not think of all the things i never said, when i should have. If i’m to do this, i’ll have to change my life. Even more. Even more sincere. This town is too small. My job stinks. My energy is down. My writing’s flushy. Our toilet doesn’t flush. Pretty girls are scared of me. My friends are fucked up. There’s a war. Perspective is bullshit. Perspective is everything. I’m tired… Again… Still

Tuesday 8 April 2003 0:46

NP: The Animals – House of The Rising Sun

H dropped by tonite, we talked about a lot of things, which was nice. Although it got me thinking now and again. There’s something wrong with thinking this way. Tomorrow there’s lots to be done… First though, a wee bit more debauchery. Called G, he agreed to meet up at O, so that’s where i’m heading in a minute.

I have this pain in my neck and shoulders. It’s been bugging me all day long and still it won’t leave me alone. The alcohol is tenderizing the meat a bit, i think. I guess some things do spin back the way they were headed. How strange. I wonder…

Still haven’t heard anything from the festival people. I hope I’ll get some news tomorrow. Man… I don’t know how I managed to have a normal life and pay my bills without working 4 out of 7 days. Now it seems there is absolutely no alternative. The night is clear. My mind is clear. My heart is floating. My libido is halfway up. My optimism is halfway down. I hope… Still…

Monday 7 April 2003 21:43

NP: Dr. Dre – Xxplosive

Still felt a bit weak all day, but i pulled it off… Shit man… That work is really getting to me. I really need something else… It just isn’t agreeing with my nerves.

Talked to M, she was saying how hot it gets on the old continent… Just a few more weeks. She agreed to an arrangement concerning my tuition. I have to keep my goddamn job to do this. Strange situation. A whole different thing than it used to be. Perhaps better this way.

Tomorrow is my day off… Whoopee

Sunday 6 April 2003 16:57

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Body Electric

Saturday slid on by, burned some roms, got me an IEEE 1394 4-4 cable, to hook up my cam to my laptop, then grabbed the show, which i will be reworking so it will be a bit more “produced”. Guaka told me about certain technology which makes it possible to create autorun-movie-discs, sounds like a good idea to get material to prospective programmers of festivals and such.

In the evening H-L and J dropped on by, they watched the show with me, we talked, really good to see them again. I hope i’ll see them more… J isn’t in his best days… I can understand. Not to trivialize, but these days are hard on all of us. Directly after they left, I headed on down to this party, i’d been told about. Which was pretty smashing, very cool. Somehow I got drunk really really really fast and by the time we were leaving for the club, i was reeling all over the place. I decided it’d be best for me to head on home.

Unfotunately I was so sick by the time I hit my bed, i spent half the night trying not to spin out of control. What can i say… Sometimes it worked, other times it didn’t… When i woke up this morning, I still felt horrible… A tremendous headache was cracking my cranium and the dizziness and nausea hadn’t gone… So I sat around, feeling really fucked up. Then after a while, I felt tired, so i got back in bed. I was so happy falling asleep again, by the time I woke up i felt so much better…

Now i’ve been really calmly getting into my day, cleaning a bit, preparing dishes for washing, I still feel a bit weak and frail, but with a bit of food in me and some more fluids, i’m much better off than i was this morning. In a bit i’ll be heading to the store with K, to get some bread and stuff for tomorrow… Cuz tomorrow’s gonna be a really early start. If i can get to bed in time, i don’t expect it to be too hard come the morn. The weather is beautiful. I saw a lot of pretty girls last nite, met a reporter who lives and writes in Spain and some guy who had a mixed heritage, from both cameroon and germany. It’s a pity I got so drunk so fast, I wanted to talk to many more people, but i just… And i don’t understand either… I didn’t even drink that much, but somehow it just didn’t work out.

I’m curious what will happen in the coming months… I got to get it all together… Keep it going. Get paid, get laid… Climb the ladder, do my stuff…

Saturday 5 April 2003 13:13

NP: The Pixies – Letter to Memphis

Nearly a week since I had the urge to write anything here. I never saw her again. But then again, I didn’t expect this to work out for me anyway. Just makes me acutely aware of what is missing in my life (:

I’ve been thinking alot about a new tattoo… I have this design in my head, which i will never be able to transfer to paper. I really need someone who can do realistic sketches of trees. Work is getting to me. This week could’ve been better, this should be the start of my new college experience, but I didn’t get as much info as i’d wanted. I’ll have to try and find out everything myself. That actually wasn’t what I had in mind. Shit.

I’m still waiting for confirmation of the gig on the 29th. I hope they will agree to the price, so i can get started on this. Last night, I just couldn’t bring myself to go out, I wanted to, but i was just too tired I guess. So I ended up reading, in bed, on my laptop.

I woke up this morning with the lid of the laptop still open, must’ve fell asleep somewhere… Spend a little time on the balcony, took a well-deserved dump and drank some drink-yogurt… Now i’m hoping for some divine -or for that matter satanic- intervention to make my day more interesting.

Saw K2 last weekend. GOod to see him again, real glad to hear him say he likes the way things have worked out. Kinda makes you think… Talked to Guaka on the phone last nite… He’s back to do some lecturing. He’s gotten so politically aware, active even. Pretty cool. We talked alot about the state of things. Amazing… In the years I’ve known him, we used to mainly talk about computers, music, stuff like that… Although my memory might be deceiving me. Very good to talk to him and i really hope to see him soon.

The weather is weirding me out a bit. One moment it looks like spring, the other it looks like… Well… As a whole, it reminds me of winters spent skiing in Austria. Where you’d get these huge clouds fucking up the sunshine, making great shadowpatches on the slopes. I loved that. It always gave me such a detached feeling, like being unhooked from the fabric of reality. I see it’s gotten a little more grey now… Which reminds me more of the thursday-afternoons of my early childhood. Yeah I guess you could say i’m in a bit of a melancholic mood. I looked at some old pictures the other day, they surprised me a bit. It seems it’s true, the older you get, the farther you get from the things that you cared about, the less you care about how much further away you get… Xcept for the sweet pain of these long needles… They still occasionaly hurt me. It’s much more “general” than it used to be, though. I’m getting a bit nauseous. My neck and back are stiff and achy. I could do with a massage, or a walk perhaps.

Sunday 30 March 2003 0:53

I went, she wasn’t there, i had fun, i was a bit disappointed… I’ve been trying to get her phonenumber, but no-one seems to know much about her. She’s been occupying my mind for the last couple of days… I see her face in my mind, wondering if she remembers me at all. I have no way at this moment of knowing when i will see her again. I had a chance at something last friday and i chickened out. Amazing when you think about it. I go up on stage, without a shred of nervousness, not a second’s worth of hesitation, but when it comes to affairs of the heart, or to put it more accurately, uncertain attractions in dark nightclubs, too tired and a bit drunk, my heart sinks into my shoes, jumps up again at the sight of her face and trembles uncontrollably until i just cower and flee. If you ever read this, pretty girl and if, however unlikely, you were indeed making an effort to try and get me to react, I apologize for doing nothing but staring at you with that dumb, vague smile on my face, averting my eyes when meeting yours (too quickly even to see their color) and not even telling you sweet dreams before you left. Please know that it was out of sheer incredulity and shyness; it’s a rare occasion when a beautiful girl like you pays any attention to me. Now, unfortunately, I must go lie in my bed, wait for morning to come and try to cope. It’s work tomorrow, there’s college real soon, there’s a new show on the horizon, but i guess there won’t be any romance any time soon. So what else is new… 🙂

Well what is new, is that my back hurts enormously, I think that moving those boxes rather violently, while looking for my camera remote i sprained a muscle or so. Hope it’ll be gone by morning…

Sunday 30 March 2003 0:53

I sit here. Mikey left. K already headed on down to the club. I’m a blabbermouth. I can’t keep my mouth shut, or keep my mind still. I think of how it can’t be possible that this girl likes me, she doesn’t even know me. We never spoke a word. It was all in my head. Nothing really happened. Nothing will. I can’t bring myself to go out. I couldn’t face her. It’s like i’m sure everyone can see there’s something wrong with me. As if it would be impossible to hide my stupidity. That’s assuming she’s there. If she isn’t i’ll be uncomfortable all evening, still wondering about what was going on. I’m reading way too much into this. Nothing happened. Wouldn’t even know what to say to her. She’d probably split the second i open my mouth. By the end of my first sentence, she’d be out the door. Maybe she’s already forgotten that weird guy from last night. Perhaps she’s already seeing someone tonite, or she’ll meet someone tonite who’ll be just right for her. I feel torn. I don’t want this. I feel childish and stupid. I feel nervous and anxious. I feel sleepy. I feel as if i’d rather be working right now. I can’t believe that whatever happened, even if it was nothing at all, even if it was my fantasy, then i can’t believe my fantasy is making me feel like this. I’m internalizing. I know. It was her face that made this happen, the way she looks and dances… See? Why would anyone want to be with someone who makes such fuss over something that should be fun? Such a fucking neurotic.

Saturday 29 March 2003 17:52

NP: Bob Dylan – House of The Rising Sun

Oh boy… There’s this girl i’ve seen quite a few times before, she’s pretty and somehow i feel very much attracted to her, but i have never talked to her. Last night I saw her again and i couldn’t keep my eyes off her. I guess she noticed. After a while it got a bit weird, we were on the dancefloor, as usual i was just hanging around, waiting for something to dance to (I don’t dance to just any music… I have high standards (: ahum…) I kept glancing at her dancing, looking at her pretty face. When it was less crowded she danced close to me, then moved away, then came real close again. At one point she just stood there waiting… I found myself transfixed by her. She must have noticed. I even think she wanted me to react, do something, say something. Of course I can never be sure, but my head was in turmoil, disbelief, my nerves raging, I choked up, got shy and just stood there, looking at her and looking away… And now it’s the next day. I haven’t spoken to her yesterday, I only know her name and who knows when i’ll see her again. Guess I fucked up, should have talked to her… Boy, have I been out of this game way too long… I hope I get to see her again sometime soon…

Worked, of course. It’s not that bad. I’ve had a meeting with the literary bunch on Thursday. They didn’t think the show will work as a whole for the upcoming festival, so i proposed to create something new, just for the occasion. I’ve got ideas about what to do, it’s gonna involve some video, I think, perhaps music… Ironically, it’s all about love. That’s the theme. I was supposed to do a gig on monday, but i decided against it… There’s still too much to do; work, college, preparing for the show in april. I just hope i get my head straight, not set myself up for a giant fall again. I’m clumsy like that. Fall in love and get fucked up. Oh yeah… You gotta love it…

Wednesday 26 March 2003 1:02

NP: The Smiths – That Joke isn’t Funny Anymore

Got another taste of just how much i’ve begun to dislike the whole human thing tonite… I dunno… Might be just my own shortcomings, but when i see the glares, the frightened, disgusted, condescending looks, i get a real big interest in leaving. Somehow these last couple of days it’s been haunting me.

Woke up, made some necessary calls, didn’t get any good news about changing my situation… Went into town with K, sat by the river, talked, we decided to get a drink, saw a beautiful girl, then another, then decided that homeways was best ways…

Talked to S on the phone a bit, I have to be careful not to dump too much darkness on her. She has it hard enough, i think. I feel so removed, so silent… Words are failing, that’s okay…? Soccer cheered me up a bit, a quick visit to the store, home to eat and shower… Long shower… Then a decision that led to uneasiness and derision… Glad to be home now. Ready for bed now. Not ready for work tomorrow. But i’ll have to… I’ll manage. I mostly do. I still don’t feel so bad, yet i feel so… I don’t know… Words are failing…………………that’s okay… I guess.

Monday 24 March 2003 22:35

No way in hell that she’ll ever turn around and see it… Or perhaps she already sees it, but doesn’t give a shit. Another feeling i have to kill before it reaches my consciousness. Another fuck you to all the motherfuckers, there are so fucking many of them, sometimes. Don’t even bother… Work sucks ass like a cumdrenched two dollar crack whore with syphilis, aids and sores on her mouth, ass and pussy… I took the day off tomorrow. Need to relieve some of the tension. I don’t get this war. It makes my brain slump… I have a headache. My nose is sore on the inside from the goddamn airco. I put up the mosquito net in front of my window. This year the buggers aren’t coming in. Today was warm, balmy pre-spring goodness, like a fourteen year old that had her first orgasm thinking about that boy in her class, while riding her pillow…

Sunday 23 March 2003 17:46

So there’s a war… I’m quite speechless about the whole thing, still… Did my show monday, which was good, read about it (in Dutch) here, I’ll put the video for it up soon.

Went to a party last nite… Scary stuff… I’m not sure why, but i didn’t like it too much… Guess some of it was a bit too confrontational. Oh well… Fuck it. Friday i slept from 7pm ’till 1pm saturday. Boy me tired. Been watching Michael Moore a lot… Very interesting guy. Nothing interesting about having to be at work tomorrowmorning though. Blèh… Thursday was nice, saw M which is always a joy, she came to dinner, then i took her out for her birthday to see Vuil & Glass, which was very nice. Then home for a glass of wine. Sigh… I overslept the next day. Shit happens.

This week… Well this week not much but work, xcept for getting stuff in order for college… Hope the weather stays this way. Gotta call a friend now… Oh thanx for the Rushdie quote… I think I understand.

Friday 21 March 2003 0:49

Monday 17 March 2003 2:42

Klik hier voor een livestream van de voorstelling: (Deze link werkt alleen tussen half 1 en half 2 ‘s middags op maandag 17 maart)

Klik hier voor meer info over de voorstelling

Thursday 13 March 2003 14:21

NP: Kenji Kawai – Nine Sisters (Avalon OST)

‘Kay… The jitters are getting to me… I made some big decisions about the show… Had contact with the tech-guys at the venue, at least they seem to think that everything’s quite clear… I’m not so sure yet, but I guess there’s been some progress… Also, there are a few hits these last couple of days from up north… Guess people are getting curious…

I’ll be out in a bit to go shopping for some threads… Just to get more of a visual feel for what i’ll be doing… I have to admit that it’s getting to me. I shouldn’t be surprised though, I ditched the whole goddamn concept a week before curtaincall, cuz i felt it was not a viable goal. Okay, a bit late maybe, but that show was meant for three and a whole year’s development… Not just one guy in 5 weeks. I just hope this new idea will work out. It’s forming, like i said, slowly and painfully… I’m starting to see the scenes… Funny actually… I wonder what these people that visit my site think… Wait… I don’t think i really wanna go there just yet… 🙂

Tried to call Josh all week, but the fucker won’t answer his phone… Zelk and Zieg had their birthdays… Oh boy, we’re getting old… I’m gonna do what i have to now… And tonite… I’m gonna get drunk. Woohoo!!! Nervesfjlkasdcf ow ejpvr qw4 nc08qwn 0cn 09f n0san fc0 nuoi jsoj hsdj v

Monday 10 March 2003 1:32

NP: Radiohead – Nobody does it better

Got a new jobassignment, part of a specialist-group now… Tomorrow there’ll be more details… Made a decision ’bout the show… The old concepts out the window, the new one is forming in my head slowly. I have to send in the contract. Next week is gonna be interesting. Apart from monday, i have the whole week off to work on the show. I’m ready for that, I think. Last weekend, I dropped by the club on friday, saw a poster that got me thinking, got drunk. Yesterday there was a party, where I met up with SMaids… Also g, mikey and zieg, later on c, dt and syl… G and i did some really intense flowin’ 🙂 After a few hours, we decided to go and see Richyboy… cuz it was his b-day and all… Although i did feel a bit weird about just leaving Mikey and Smaids… Nothing to worry about though, right? I bought a toy, also for the show.

Hung around all day… Did next to nothing, xcept some burning. Now I don’t wanna sleep… But i gotta, tomorrow’s the last day of work before my week off. I could talk some more about the choices people make, about how this and how that, but it won’t change a thing and it won’t stop the clock. So i’m gonna go…

Tuesday 4 March 2003 22:55

NP: John Coltrane – My Favorite Things

I ended up at the club saturdaynite. Eventually landed in a very weird smokey establishment on the lower-ass side of town… Groovy… Maybe once… Now just seedy and boring. So I left and didn’t sleep ’til 10am. Sunday was uneventful, Monday there was work, I hadn’t slept enough so i was a trainwreck… Then in the evening K and pH came over and we watched the first half of Amores Perros, after that it was time for me to go beddybye’s, but i couldn’t sleep. So today once again I was wrecked. It was a bit unnerving, cuz there were teammeetings and evaluations and stuff, but ya know… I know my stuff, so i’m not worried at all.

Tonite we played soccer with only six of us… The rest is down south doing the unmentionable… The score at the end was a whopping 33-32… I don’t believe we’ve ever scored so many goals in one game before. After I got home I talked to Guaka a bit and shoved my tortillas in the oven… I hate food that’s drippy… But it was tasty, so i plowed through…

Ishi and Nekki have their home-cinema nearly up and running, can’t wait to see it. Hope he has quadraphonics 😉

I’m seriously considering ditching the concept for the show and start like mad on a new concept, that is much less stiff and preconceived than the old one. I’m just not sure the idea would work and seeing the video briefs… I just get more insecure about the whole thing by the day. So perhaps I should be more true to myself and do what i think i do best… Just let my imagination go wild and not stick to one concept. Just allow chaos to be confined within me, to perform the chaos and rant, let go and try my best… I’m seriously anxious about the whole thing. There’s no-one to talk to and the more I think about it, the less i want to talk about it. There’s no-one i can trust or… I don’t know, there’s no-one really interested. I know I should use that… But right now… I don’t know… The work is getting to me, money isn’t abundant…(heh… that’s an understatement), so i’m worried about that too… You know… Just all these things… i think about her sometimes too and realize that it doesn’t matter. Wishful thinking won’t turn nothing into something. Just like this show… It was meant as a project for three and would take a year to develop, not do it by myself in 5 weeks time… I don’t know… I get this big break and of course i’m gonna fuck it up… Perhaps a quick drink at the club… See some people… Got my day off tomorrow… And I am thirsty…

Sunday 2 March 2003 1:12

NP: Despair – Boring Saturday Night

All the work, then the weekend, fridaynite: complete boredom… Now here’s Saturdaynite… and what am i doing? Not what i’m supposed to… Writing my play… Editing the video for it… But i don’t feel like it… The only thing i’d like to be doing is fucking some teen beauty… Oh well… what ever the fuck beehatch… There’s totally nothing to do tonite… There’s a carnival starting in the south… But i still loathe the whole thing due to past relationships… But all my friends go… xcept for SmAids… He’s at work in a club in Nevohdnie. Guess we should get together again sometime soon… Perhaps not… My little finger on my right hand hurts, guess it’s from all that keyboard work. There’s this shitty movie on… I really don’t want to watch this… So i turned it off… SMAIDS and HF have their b-days tomorrow… Turning 27 must be hell… Oh wait… that means that in exactly half a year i’ll be 27… Wow… I remember getting stoned years ago and wondering what life would be like… Now it’s at my door… Sort of…

Trying to get these taxes done… get me some money back. I got sick and was out for two weeks… I’m still waiting for my money… goddamn motherfucking bastard bureaucratic fucking country… Talked to guaka today… Really nice… I kind of miss him, i guess… Don’t think he cares much… He’s wrapped up in a new life in Paris… We never connected, somehow… I guess he and i are too fucking strange… hehe funny actually. I’m gonna get drunk tonite… that’s for goddamn sure… i’ve had three quarts of bottle of wine already… I’ll be slammin’ wodka in a little while…

It’s raining outside… Mikey moving, Ishi becoming a daddy… I don’t know… Sometimes it feels as if… I could it lose it anytime soon… I have this choice… Hold on (remember that song?), or just let go… forget about sanity… Forget about prospects and hope… Forget about reason and even rhyme… In a few months this log will have spanned three years… I think it’s time to call it quits then. Run with me… I have the Doors playing… I have this wine… Summer’s coming… Spring will be here… I have these weird bodily experiences… I’m not sure about anything… But still i pretend… Like everybody else… it puts an ugly wry little smile on my ugly face…

Ever wondered what hell would be like? I think we know by now… What will happen in the coming months? There’ll be a war… What’s with the “fist” in “pacifist”? And if you tolerate this… then you’re children will be next… What children? The idealistic assurances of a youth misspent… I remember the power of words… The glory days of drugabuse… the wonders of music… the block of gibberish when i let my eyes go out of focus behind this screen… The nervousness of impending openness of doors… The loneliness that has taken the place of false comradery, the jealousness replaced by far and fond phoneconversations… Imagine there’s no country… It isn’t hard to do… But it isn’t profitable… I will go out on the town in a little bit… And i won’t be smiling, so nobody will want to talk to me… In the past people used to come up to me and tell me to cheer up… They didn’t care… I was just raining on their parade… A candle… A brotherhood of man… no fucking way… Mark Chapman is still in prison… It’s so fucking fragile, life is… Goodby ruby tuesday… who could hang a name on you… still i’m gonna miss you… I do… but you’re not who you used to be, are you? Where’d it all go wrong? Or is it? Is this wrong? Is this the way it should go? Should i read these fucking books and trust a guy who tried to fuck his professor by inventing a modern shaman? Even if it rings true? Get all weirded out again? Find out the mysteries of life? I know this chick who goes to wicca b.s. meetings and is the most plain beehatch i know… I can’t even handle one fucking bottle of wine… I’m getting drunk all by myself up here in this motherfucking apartment… I can’t be listening to Marley right now… I don’t want these people to meet eachother anymore… drastic changes… i’m really powerless… I’m the apeman, i am the walrus…

There isn’t that much to complain about… you let your knickers down… coocoocachoo… Sittin in an english garden, waiting for the sun… What’s with this fad… dutch girls getting fucked, getting their asses turned out by french, english guys…? I’m the apeman, i am the walrus… coocoocachoo… Who knows whom i’ll meet tonite… Perhaps the man with the dark face… The last face i’ll ever see… Perhaps the woman who’ll trick me out of my dna… I need to piss again… As Thom starts his lamenting…. They love me like i was their brother… they protect me…. listen to me… yeah right… nice dream. I should probably stop typing… I’m gettin a bit disgusted with the wine… I can’t stand getting drunk or high by myself… It doesn’t agree with me… In company however… I do fine… I’ll be looking at all the lonely people in a bit… living in a dream… who is it for? all the lonely people, where do they all come from… all the people… where do they all belong? In my head… no-one will hear… no-one comes near… the words… words are failing… slowly but surely… over the years… it gets more clear… the pictures are cgi… the planes explode… the hologram stands… the shuttle returns… the aliens are here… so what? there are muslims… there are liberals, there are fascists, there are people who don’t care, cuz they wanna see the soap-operas on tv… Day after day alone on a hill the man with a foolish grin is keeping perfectly still but nobody wants to know him… See the world spinning ’round… What are we to do now? We the people? We the ancestors of the adolescent americans… I’m so young, so old, if you’d fuck me, you’d be a gerontophile… They don’t like him, the fool on the hill… and the eyes in his head see the world spinning ’round… I remember that last year… You fucked me on my bed… below the mural that good friend of mine painted… a girl with caleidoscope eyes… I told you i didn’t like to ejaculate anymore… Lucy in the sky with diamonds… I’d be to goddamn chicken to drop acid these days… Although i’d probably have a good time… Fortunately no-one reads this anymore… Although… I had a hit from Qatar… To the north-east of Saudi-Arabia… the girl with caleidoscope eyes… Funny enough… the music, the writers and musicians… they connect, the doors, castaneda, genesis p. orridge… ogre, robert smith, blake, me… I guess i have a way too high opinion of myself… But oh well… I’m alive I’m a mess… This powerlessness… This frustrating powerlessness… eats away… has been eating away at me since i was so young… it still hasn’t eaten me whole…it’s still with me… all these years it has been nibbling away at my being… nothing heals me like you do… I remember that feeling… getting so fucked up and lifted up so high…. Perhaps it wasn’t even you… you were just the catalyst for my endorphin magic box…. Never enough… Never good enough… Always too little, too late… Always coming up a little short… I guess that must be damaging to the soul…. I learned to fly… barely… And my friends have lost the way… “We’ll be over soon”, they say… Please don’t you be very long… I don’t know if I understand you my friend… perhaps I do… But you have this survivor instinct… Much more than I do… Perhaps I should give up the show and just read… Read my stuff until the venue is empty… And i’d really like to go… Soon will be the break of day… sitting here in blue jay way… Please don’t you be very long… My last glass of wine… I poured… I’ve been sitting here for an hour… Fortunately the tv has shut itself off… I should be grateful for that… There’re people out there… in cars… on bikes… in the rain… it was on the 15th floor… it’s a mess alright… and now we’re living in the sky… if it didn’t look like hell… every single other day… I can’t believe people get killed in this city… It seems too small for that… Goes to show that you never know who’s creeping in the dark corners of alleys… Or what your friendly neighbourhood junky might be up to in the middle of the night… as if that was something to be proud about… someone sets a car on fire… before you understand just how low a human being can go… It’s only just after two… The bowelmovements i’ve been feeling for the last hour will have me sitting shitting in a bit… Even the prettiest of girls produce really smelly shit… How cool is that? We are all animal… We are all animal… We animal… animal.. Evidence, i didn’t feel a thing, you didn’t mean a thing… Why does some music make you feel like saturdaynight eternity? This dark bluesy jazzy feel… this 3.26am saturdaynight feeling? I wish i could feel that… Share that.. I wish I knew how to share these rare beautiful feelings i sometimes touch… I used to try and make her feel it… I think that in some small way… sometimes i succeeded… In a way we were really good together… People are dressing up now… To hide this ugliess with even more façades… I know you did the tigress thing… Who are you? the things i said to you were true… my face would never show what is not real… Could’ve lied, i’m such a fool, my eyes could never ever keep their cool…. fucked up…

Could’ve gone through that mirror and hit that artery… I didn’t though… Guess that has to do with the luck that drunk people have… I won’t be spared… Not that i’m grateful… No way… I’d always expected the unexpected… I grew up that way… I’m fucked up now… I hear things… Doesn’t mean i don’t get the jitters… Doesn’t mean I don’t get superstitious now and then… She feels the ground is giving way… i pick her up and carry her outside… Set her on my lap and caress her… Eventually the moment fades… she don’t care what it’s worth… She’s not waiting on a saviour to come… the last night on earth… What would that be like… I remember this movie… they wanted to shoot eachother, but ended up kissing, while the sun went nova or something… I can’t find any info on this movie… so no links… I thought it was a beautiful movie… I can see flashes… In my mind… Isn’t that fucking great? Isn’t that just fucking wonderful? Shouldn’t we use this for our kids? The indoctrination of a nation of children… God loves his children… Child molesting motherfucker… Hello darkness my old friend, i’ve come to talk to you again… Now in a bit, i’ll have to perform… Act sober, while getting more and more drunk… the cold and damp… the lights… that split the night… The shitty music… I just hope that there’ll be people i know… who know me and nod… They don’t even have to speak.

I hate to break this flow… BUt i did… I don’t know… there’s a certain need to change somethings… And the people bowed and prayed… and the sign said the words of the prophets… I’m coming up on two hours… That’s too long even for me… I need to get out… At least for a few more hours… Just to get a breath of fresh air, just to see some people… Now what would happen if somebody would stumble upon this page tonite… tomorrow? They’d read all of this and be submerged in the stench of selfpity… The egotripping, the gutwrenching bullshitfest… Hey! i’m listening to George Michael, call me a fag, please! It’s not even that cold anymore outside… I could go into how i loved to be outside at night with friends and how i’d get this fantastic feeling of melancholy and eternity, but… lalalalala… you are far… Within a few sips of a whole bottle of bordeaux.. Which is nice… I could call my friend the former wanderer, but his girlfriend would have my head on a platter… These are the days… these are the changes… these are the times… All along the watchtower, princess kept the view… Is it bass, or is it a door…? who cares… the hour is getting late… barefoot servants too… What if i want to write i remember, i remember, i remember.. does that mean that i’m getting old, that my life is boring… I remember that night in the mountains of spain with his brother… it’s been the ruin of many a poor boy… and god… i know i’m one… i remember him encouraging me to sing, while he played the guitar… I drank it all… It’s time to go… right now…

Thursday 27 February 2003 7:33

NP: Samuel Barber – Adagio for Strings, op. 11 (as used by The Cure for the opening of their Dream Tour)

Had such a lovely dream… Too bad the night is over and i have to be at work in an hour… I was so fucking tired yesterday… I cooked dinner after coming home and i was in bed by 10. I feel lots more rested now. Still coughing like a mofo though… Wish that would stop. Oh well… Off to get my things now… Dreams…

Wednesday 26 February 2003 0:48

NP: Aimee Mann – Wise Up

Got a few things done and clear today… Soccer was fucking great… Had a very deep-felt conversation with mikey… At least that’s how i felt it… Amazing how it is… We’ve known eachother for so long… And now we’re supposed to be men… I’m not sure i’m ready for that… Still haven’t got it all under control…

They’re still gathered next door, eerily quiet. It’s a big difference. Tomorrow there’s another day of work. What happened to this whole day? I took it gently by its’ balls and threw it out the backdoor. I love playing soccer, did I mention that? This is the last year I will keep this journal. Come July, it’s over. No more. Perhaps I should try and get this whole thing published… Three years of my meaningless life, condensed in a file less than 1 MB… Somehow that’s fitting. Sounds about right. I wish she would love me back.

Tuesday 25 February 2003 13:42

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Lights

Wow, it’s been quite a while since i wrote anything here… Well i’ve been really sick, and actually i’m still not feeling top-notch, really… I’m still coughing and ‘ve got the sniffles a bit… But the weather’s beautiful, so who cares…

I’m not so happy with the show as i was. Because there is so little time, i find myself cutting corners, making compromises… I’m having second thoughts about the viability of the story… But there’s no time now to change it all around, so i’ll just go ahead with the concepts i was working on.

We shot the video of “the patient” last weekend, J and zieg were here to help me with that… I spent most of the day in bed, with my head wrapped in bandages, looking all weird and pasty. At some point it really started to look like a very badly produced, no-budget pornmovie. But i guess that porn would have better actors.

That evening I spent with M, which was really nice. I so dig her. The other night there was a little party for R, which i attended after spending an afternoon with K, zieg, and C hunting for a gift. The hunting was fun, the party somewhat less… I did amuse myself somehow… Heard stories of big lips and shaving, got a little pissed…

H rang me up to go walking in the forest, which was definitely nice. We talked about world politics, economics, what can and cannot be know and how much of it you actually want to know. The rest of the day was spent in a rather sullen mood. Got some great news from Ishi and Nekki, though…

The website thing did not transpire… I guess it was just a bit too pricy for ’em. Also the other “looking-about” i’m doing hasn’t had many results either… Okay, so this is my day off… I need to get some things done and although the sun is shining, i don’t feel so fucking great… I had some weird ass dreams that wrecked me up a bit… Next weekend they all head down south again. It’s that time of year again. Still fucks me up sometimes…

Dries had a birthday, so I went to visit him in V-town, took a train down and met up with him and his girl, his neighbour with the needle fetish. Also his sister was there with her spanish b-f. I only stayed for a couple of hours, but it was great. I had a good time and loved seeing them again. Makes me wonder… I’m losing touch with so many people… What’s up with that…? That’s it’s getting more shitty year by year, i can handle… But why does it have to get more lonely every year as well? I guess that’s a question i’m not ready to answer yet.

I have to get busy, there are things I need to do, to change my future, my life perhaps. And it can be as easy as a simple telephone call, or getting on a bike and going east…

Saturday 8 February 2003 22:56

We agreed on a figure for the show… I’m very happy to be doing this… Feels amazing.

Last night me and Q went down to E-town, to join SMaids for a little fête. Did a little freestylin’ with rebirth, which was fun. A lot of weird people showed up… I’m still wasted from that. Gonna get me a little bite to eat, do just the tiniest bit more cleaning and then… Well… Perhaps one more drink at the club… Or I might go to bed. Still have this duality about saturdaynights…

Wednesday 5 February 2003 21:38

21 hours later. Jezus… work sucks so bad… I can’t stop thinking about the show… I’m scared out of my wits just thinking about it… Still no final answer pertaining to new employment. Didn’t expect as much, but still… No news about the other thing either….

I’m so fucking tired… Gonna lie in bed in a sec, perhaps write a bit if i can… tomorrow there is yet another day of work… And after that another… And still no pay… I’m not sure this experiment is working… But we’ll let it run for another week, see what happens…

Tomorrownite zieg and S are dropping by to discuss the show… we’ll do dinner, pop a bottle perhaps… Momentum… that’s what it’s all about… Keeping it, nurturing it… Using it…

Wednesday 5 February 2003 00:00

Saturday I ended up at the club after having a few drinks with zieg and zelk… It wasn’t my kind of party… nor were they my kind of people… Sunday I decided to go mad, pick up Q, sMAids and drive on down to Mtown, see D and S, met C, talked, slept totally fucked up and cold in their basement… Next day SmAids back to Nevohdnie, Q back to Wtown and me totally completely fucked up at home… So mofo tired… Work today…

I got a theatre-gig come march… Which is scaring the shit out of me, cuz it’s such a big deal. I really have a lot to do… The other thing is also scaring the shit out of me… I hope i can keep this going…

The old man called, he was fucked up, had pneumonia, so did his woman. An old acquaintance got a heartattack on their joint holiday… Damn.. It should scare me, what with the panic attacks and all, but i really don’t wanna be scared anymore… So fuck it. Shouldn’t have worked so hard…

Work again tomorrow… some dishes left to do… Got the laundry done in time… Now hope to be in bed by 0:30… Soccer was great by the way, scored some beauts. Gotta go, gotta move!

Saturday 1 February 2003 18:18

Ground Control to Major Tom, your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong Can you hear me, Major Tom? Can you hear me, Major Tom? Can you hear me, Major Tom?

Saturday 1 February 2003 16:16

NP: The Cure – Bare

Are these clichés

all there is to it?

Are these noveltywaves

worth it?

To put myself through this?

I will go and play as if I mean it

I hope you’ll believe

I’m sincere

This I have to do

this is why I am here

So I told myself

We should talk about death now

like everyone else,

in terms of peace, health and sanity

If I close my eyes

and let this be

if i retreat from the madness

i see

i might believe

there’s a way

there’s a path

to walk

wander with heart

I wallow in power

in glorious memories

laid to rest

yet undead

matter transforms into energy

energy never disappears…

What happens to the piss

you piss away

assimilated pieces leave

and perform the play

in wait for all who stray

on this mortal coil

happiness constituted by guns

ammo and balls

rough tough talk

is never enough death

in ones and zeros

like piss broken down

to its’ elements

some say there are nutrients in there

vitamine b12 in sperm

and pussy juice

So when sperm flies

It connects you 

to that what dies




Is it worth it?

It it worth the clash of ego’s?

the incessant struggles

between you and whomever wants you?

We have to struggle to get


to get her

to get him

We got to go beyond

We have to take a stand

We have to give it up

and allow trust…

The cam is back up… I got a call for a gig in 2 months… Cool, but unnerving. It’s snowing again. Monday gotta go, try and get me a gig doing a site…

The other thing is creeping near… WOw… Scary… In other areas there are some scary developments… I hope I’ll be spared this time… But it’s reeling me in like Rex the fucking Runt… Maybe I should give it one shot… If it doesn’t work out, I can abandon it with the greatest ease… But then again… It might not be such a good idea… Hmmmkay… let it slide for now…

I need bread and toilet paper, but i don’t feel like going out in this weather. I hope the mailproblem is fixed now…

Thursday 30 January 2003 21:54

The lights weren’t all that bright I guess… Work was sheer hell today… I still feel like sleeping most of the day. The other stuff is rolling on faster and faster… It’s creepy… It’s Dries’ 28th birthday today… Wow… We’re gettin’ there, aren’t we, man? Also got a phonecall which may provide me with monetary perspective… At least momentarily… We’ll see… So tired again… Sleep in a bit… Tomorrow there’s yet another day of work… I need something… bad…

Wednesday 29 January 2003 0:38

Didn’t watch that movie after all… Went to sleep and got up, did some phoneing, got gas, got food, got to the scary place and took care of business… Things are gathering momentum…

Afterwards, a quick bite, off to soccer…. Didn’t feel the vibe… Oh well. After I got home, I took a shower and decided to get onstage…

So I did… It was fun, but not fantastic… I did some filming… Filmed my own performance, filming the audience taping the crowd… Very low key… Low quality… Check it out right HERE… (Allow some loading time, it will come eventually)… In real media…

Sleep now… Tomorrow work again. Shitty… Oh well… There are some lights over yonder… I’m moving towards them… It’s not often in my life that i’m moving towards the light…

Monday 27 January 2003 22:46

Last week I went to pick up the new washer… Great! Finally some freshly washed clothes, although the first two batches smelled a bit funny… I guess that’s becuz the thing is new… I hope…

Dropped by SmAids as well last week, good to see him again. We hung out i got home, installed the washer with zieg and went to sleep… Into hellish nightmare workdreck… Oh well…

Weekend came, friday nothing much happened, saturday i wasted and eventually put to use by cleaning etc… Everything is in order again… There are clean clothes now… In the evening I went to the club and hung out with G.

Sunday i stayed in… Monday hit me like a sledgehammer… blèh… Been talking to Guaka, trying to get some processes up and running again… Well… That was my evening off…. Guess I’ll watch a movie and get to sleep. Lot to do tomorrow.

Tuesday 21 January 2003 0:54

NP: Robert Rich and Lustmord – Stalker

Worked today…. so fucking tired… still too tired…. still way too late… past my bedtime… nice talk…. been thinking about different aspects of this weekend… oh well… work first, soccer second, thirdly sleep… sleep now…

Sunday 19 January 2003 21:58

Ok, so something did happen. A bunch of us went to one of the worst clubs in town. It sucked, big time, but we all got drunk, so i guess we can write it up as an experience. I guess there was some fun to be had, but mainly i think it was becuz the lot of us were together since long.

Eventually Zieg, Josh, H-L and me ended up at the -other- club, where some of us got turned away at the door. I’m not sure what happened, but i guess it was the booze. Oh well fuck it, water under the bridge, whatever. Back at my place me, josh and zieg got into a conversation that was very interesting. I hope we’ll be able to do that some more. Oh right… We also played some nice games:

Dropped h-l and Josh off, went home, took a nap, had breakfast, watched a bit of telly… Now i’m ready to hit the sack in a bit… Too tired to do any dishes or big cleaning… Later this week i’m hoping to get that new washer, so we can finally wear some freshly washed clothes… Looks like i’m heading south to get the thing though… It’ll be a rough week. Bring it on… Tomorrow (8

Saturday 18 January 2003 15:12

Friday came, went, got me melancholic in the afternoon, saw lotrII, impressive visuals. I hate to admit it. Friday was weird. Wish I felt like updating the poetry section…

In het zonnetje

op een bank

De winterwind nog koud

Kijk ik naar de zon, de bomen

De struiken waar ik zo van houd

Ik realiseer me

In dat felle, kille licht

Dat wanneer ik naar het verleden kijk

De lange weg, soms donker en zwaar

Er is geen spijt in zicht

Er moet toch iets goed zijn gegaan

Sommige dingen heb ik goed gedaan

Zelfs het duister dat ik menigmaal doorkruiste

Heeft zijn luister

Zijn eigen zwaarzoete geur

Alleen, wat nu?

De weg werd een snelweg

Leidde naar een stad

Waar alles stilstaat, zelfs ik stilsta

Als je alles hebt gehad

In de verte hoor ik treinen

De misthoorn van een boot

Maar de leegte heeft me te pakken

Koestert me in haar schoot

Het lijkt alsof ik zit te wachten

Op dat wat rijmt met rood

Bloedrood draait de aarde

Weg van de zon

In dit vreemde, diepe licht

Is het alsof mijn leven nooit begon

Of wellicht dat iemand anders

Dit allemaal verzon

Op nu naar het bos; ik moet gaan

Daar is de maan

I don’t usually do dutch on this website, but hey…Where have you been? If you go I will surely die, we’re ch…ained, we’re ch-ained… we’re ch-ained… Chained It’s Saturday… I hope something good will happen tonite. I really do.

With a little luck, we’ll be able to do some laundry again, from the middle of next week. It’s about time too. Damn

Friday 17 January 2003 0:04

Work’s been sucky all week… getting there, sitting there… almost falling asleep every time… they keep the heat up… which makes working not that much of an envigourating experience… Tuesday soccer… Wednesday burning roms… Sleep…

Today a not so early start… To S to fix some stuff… She’s leaving soon. Would love to see her some more… Oh well… Got some cheap gas, while driving home i saw M, which revved me up… Got home, a combination of burning roms, worrying, futile calls, washing dishes, late night cookery, more burning roms and now… Dreading the moment that mandatory sleep will become unavoidable… Cuz there’s goddamn work again tomorrow… I didn’t get to do today what i was planning on… It’ll have to wait… Patience… It’s an asset in this life… all this longing… Is getting me nowhere…

Monday 13 January 2003 23:21

NP: Aimee Mann – Wise Up

Saturday was alright. Zieg, Mikey, K and S were here… We drank, watched fucked up movies and hung out @ the club.

Sunday spent at home… In the evening a quick visit to E, to fix a pc-problem. Then back home I remastered MUTA, i’ll probably have the mp3’s up in a few days. Went to sleep way too late. Work sucked. I got evaluated. I kicked ass… Duh… Did some shopping, did dinner, watched an entertaining movie, with one of the worst endings i’ve ever seen.

Ready to go to bed now. Tomorrow more work. Mikey put some fucked up ideas in my head… I’m going to have to think this shit through. Weather turned softer. Light is remaining a bit more each day. I feel like a speck of dust in space. Forever and ever… Out there…

Saturday 11 January 2003 3:18

NP: Southpark – The Biggest Douche in the Universe

Some douche broke the windows of 4 cars right before the gig last friday. Which was really fucked up. So we did the gig (there were hardly any people there) and afterwards i got to the cops and a windowreplacementplace… They put in a temp solution, eventually got the real thing in a few days later.

Went to the hospital today for the anxiety-thingy… Nothing new… Guess I won’t be following up on this. Met up with S and enjoyed a drink and club-sandwich, nice talk. Afterwards to the store with pH.

Tonite A came over, we ate and talked some, then watched a rather disturbing documentary, talked some more. Quite an interesting night…

Contemplating going out for a drink… Perhaps…

Tuesday 7 January 2003 7:57

NP: The Cure – Pornograpy

Buildings coming down, shoot up like mushrooms in the fall, the last days before man’s downfall.

What are we looking for? 

What are the things we long to see? 

Is it peace? 



Strong leaders, 

fearless armies of likeminded liberated liberators? 

Our hopes are invested in pictures, 


We know it’s only fantasy, 

but it is of the same stuff as religion 

and love of country. 

Perhaps it is not that strange

That I don’t know anymore what to do with my life

What to stand for,

What to think of the images, of the propaganda, 

The pityful attempts at convincing,

The blatant insulting of intelligence

The word made steel,

The word made bomb

The word made death.

This is how we spend our days

Looking at eachother, leering, 

Trying to find the wrong and the wicked within eachother

To condemn and be judge, 

To be executioner 

Like little children trying to get on daddy’s good side

God will you hear us, will you bear with us, will you kill with us

They are the devil’s lot, your will be done

God is love 

God loves his children

What about the children

Isolationism in a global village, 

Cancer, heart disease and famine

Tipping the scales

All that’s left is fossile fuel fueled feuds

What are we to do now?

What is the next step

There is war in our future

There is no love in our future

There is oil in our future

There is no air to breathe in our future

We will tolerate our neighbour in our future

As long as we have subdued him

We will not stand for terrorism

We will stand for justice

We will not allow weapons of mass destruction 

We will use appropriate retaliatory force to sanction rebelious nationstates

We will take care not to harm anyone 

In sight of television camera’s

The truth

As long as it’s been through the state department.

Americans will rule the world

Europeans are almost Americans

Asians can be Americans if they try real hard

So can Russians

Everybody else is the enemy.

You have to accept that freedom and democracy and making money and freedom and our way of life and democracy and freedom and a free market-economy is the only way to go 

There is no alternative

Either you are with us or you are against us

Resistance is futile

We are the Bush

We are One

We are Legion

Nothing can harm us now

We have thrown the bad apples out

We have closed all our borders

All is safe

No one can get in.

The house is locked

The walls are sturdy

We have flushed reason down the plughole

We don’t need to concern ourselves with them

It’s hard enough as it is.

There is work to be done at home

We have to educate our children and tell them

Tell them all about the outside world

Teach them about pain and fear

Teach them through loving exposure

Through tough love

Becuz the children are the future.

If they learn it well now

They will know what to do later on

It was a blue sky

That day in may

I saw a plane fly

And I let it all just pass me by

So slow

So slow

Out of the blue sky 

Fell something that was gray

And I thought “how odd”

“so gray on a mayday”

I realised then

There was no time

Not to kiss my wife

Not to save my kids’ 


Not to enjoy the sun

Just once more

It said “thank you”

They later heard

So they replied one july night

With another bomb

That said “you’re welcome”

Our world is so civilized 

Our pleasantries are so nice

The mutant kids play 

On the nuclear winter ice

Constant orgasm 

Constant arousal

Constant kick

Constant high

Constantly in love

Constantly amused

Consssssssstantly informed

Conssssssstantly growing

Constantly progressing

Constantly getting more powerful

Constantly getting closer to meaninglessness

Constantly going nowhere

Towards infinity

All together now

Come on

Come on

Get us at our good moment

Marry us young 

Fuck us handsome

Swallow us when we got that taste

That mellow, yellow, that flavour that’s the taste of the new generation

Want fries with that?

Will you see today what you missed last nite?

Will you ride with the knights of justice

Will you promise freedom 

Will you liberate them

Will you tolerate hate

Will you stand up and shoot the bait

Make it bleed

Make it bleed….

The wolves are coming 

The wolves are howling…

I might not see 

The next, the last, the best

I might not ever again taste

Nor touch or embrace

But that’s okay, 

It’s not me

Not anymore

I’ve gone

I fled

I walked through the barriers

I swam the river

I’m over there

So all the things I will never

I will never ever

But I have

I have so many times

I’ve enjoyed so thoroughly

In a bit 

I’ll be gone

It won’t take long

It’s a short song, 

This swan song.

Be sure to sue

The doctors

Be sure to hold

Them responsible

They had no time

They were busy

But that’s no excuse

They should have

Taken it all 

A bit more seriously


No laughing matter

In fact, 

No matter at all

What to do with all these unfulfilled longings

What to do with all these feelings I wish for?

They’ve kept my soul alive. 

Euthanise my dreams, cut off lifesupport for these

Foolish, childlike, fairytale wishes

I have to go.

I have to see

I have to cuz they want me to

Or do they?

It doesn’t matter in the end.

They will laugh


I will laugh someday

I will know

I will see

I will hear

I will feel

I will sense

I will live

As I’ve never dared to live

Thursday 2 January 2003 20:32

It seems this log is winding down to its’ end. Perhaps it’ll stretch to close off the third year, but i’m not sure…

Xmas came, so did Guaka and his girl. We hung around, talked, did some work on the server, which didn’t go all that well… So we reverted back to the old kernel. New year’s eve was a bit boring… Oh well… Nothing new there…

Preparations are underway for the gig tomorrow. I have to get some videoclips ready for tomorrow, as well as some samples. I’m gonna crack me open a bottle of wine, talk to pH a little later on. Luckily I got the day off from work tomorrow.

Monday 23 December 2002 21:56

I got the sniffles today. I had a hard time getting to sleep last nite. Work was semi-okay… I did the cooking thing, which was good. Still, I feel a bit fucked up. I think i’m coming down with something again. Which is great of course, cuz i’ve a few days off work. So that coincides nicely… (taste the sarcasm)….

Still no word about the “last” AE show. Perhaps tomorrow, otherwise, i’ll call ’em and tell them i’m willing to do a solo skit. I’ll hit the sack in a minute… So fucking tired. Tomorrow there’s another day of work. Starting at 8am. Fucking holidays starting tomorrow. I fucking hate christmas. I fucking hate being alone. But i don’t feel like going anywhere either. Could see d-man and his girl. Not likely. Fuck I hate this weather. I need a fucking break. I need some luck and a fuck. I need some doe and a ho. I need some relaxation and some oral gratification. Goddamn I’m so tired.

Monday 23 December 2002 2:34

NP: The Cure – The Jupiter Crash

S was here friday. Long talks… Lots of things to think about… Saturday i met up with m and d in the city… met their friend… pretty little girl… In the evening the party-venture was abandonded… I didn’t mind.. I sat here with zieg and mikey. Eventually Mikey went home and zieg, K and me ended up at the club. Lots of pretty girls. I had a lot of sexual fantasies that night… Alas, i did not act upon them, nor did i get noticed by any of them. Oh well… Today I did nothing… Tried to feel better… Drank alot yesterday… So i watched series, went to sleep at 6 pm and woke around 11pm, had a bite to eat, watched some tv and now, i will try and get a few hours of sleep in… Tomorrow there’s work. Early start. Bought a 15m long utp cable, so i finally can move this laptop wherever the hell i want and still watch movies, surf, mail… I’ve never had so many ways to communicate… But i think I’ve never felt more alone…

Thursday 19 December 2002 23:09

Haven’t had much enthusiasm for updating this… I guess that is just typical for how my life is at this point in time… Nothing too much exciting happened during the past two weeks… Although I did quit ArtEfficiency and there’s talk of 2 more gigs. Friday the third of january is confirmed… There’s talk of the first Saturday or Sunday of ’03 as a date for a Electrojam at The Underpants, with guests including Frans de WaardpH, members of The Girlfriends, guys from WirWar and of course yours truly and Guaka. There might also be a real IndusTree gig. But we haven’t talked that through yet…

Furthermore… not much… just work… There might be some MononoM party somewhere… Hopefully we’ll get to go. Have fun… Tomorrownight S is coming over… She had a birthday, so we’ll celebrate that… Looking forward to that…

They called me for the anxiety attack research… Perhaps i will be getting some treatments… Not sure about it yet though… Cuz there’ll be selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors involved in two of the three treatment groups… And I really don’t want to be taking any seroxat, prozac etc… Okay.. that’s it for now.

Thursday 4 December 2002 22:24

NP: Arvo Pärt – Fratres for wind octet and percussion

Went to work on monday, pretty fucking tired when i got home… Went to sleep rather early, but somehow my whole Tuesday was spent yawning and, of course, working like a little slavebitch. In the evening there was soccer, which was envigourating. After that I decided to go have a drink with C-man at the club. It’s a long time since I’ve been there… It was nice, sort of, but way to smokey… blèh 😛

Tuesdaynite late I got the shivers. Not good at all… Eventually got to sleep, woke up feeling rather fucked up. Runny excrements and cramps… Went over to pH’s place to do some laundry and get ourselves together to face big bad UPC. Luckily they were being surprisingly reasonable, admitting their grandiose mistake and fixing the problem on the spot. I’ll even get some money back soon. Afterwards a quick visit to the shop, then back to pH’s. He was feeling a bit under the weather, a bit nauseous. Met his sister for the first time. Nice girl. After some talk, I picked up my stuff again and got going.

Made some really old-school food. Tasted good. I enjoyed that. Did some server-cleaning. More space now.

3 January 2003

21:00 – 23:??


Talked to Guaka a bit and we decided to another gig, when he’s back in town. Perhaps there will be another one before the Jan. 2nd, but there’s nothing definite yet. After discussing some interesting future applications of the net, I watched the first half of a movie and right now it’s time again to go beddy byes… Work tomorrow.

Sunday 1 December 2002 23:31

Friday went well, I got to do some new stuff at work. Which was pretty hectic, but a nice change of pace. After work S came over, which was lovely. I really enjoyed that. Afterwards I watched some tv and hung behind the screen. Went to sleep a bit late. Saturday I bought some roms, did some shopping, mostly just hangin’ out at home. I didn’t feel so good, but i guess it was due to the damp, foggy weather. In the evening me and mikey drove up to J’s and hung out. We took a drive around W-town, rummaged about in the harbour, on deserted roads… Good clean saturdaynight fun. Some discussions and by 4am we were back in N-town.

I got to bed pretty early in the morning. Slept, woke up this afternoon, still tired. Didn’t do too much today. A spot of dishes and dinner. Some tv and screen-goggling. Wrote a bit of mail to M and now… I guess it’s that time of nite again. Tomorrow I have an early start. It’s gonna be a long day again. I’m getting a bit sad… It’s due to the weather as well, I think. I don’t get enough light… Otherwise I’m fine… I think.

Thursday 28 November 2002 21:48

Tuesday after work, there was soccer. Afterwards I felt pretty fluffy… So I hit the sack around 10pm. Wednesday was a rather hectic day for me… I woke up around 4 am, then got back to sleep until 6:30. Then off to work… I heard they want me to learn some new task, so i can jump in… I guess that’s a good sign. Afterwards I headed down south, hung around, watching tv until i got tired. Today I drove back north, got the parking permit… But before I could get it, I drove around, looking for someone to hang with… Didn’t find anyone. Afterwards, I tried the washingmachine again… It’s fucked up… It doesn’t work. Dinner, tv… Now i’m tired… Will go to sleep in a bit… Tomorrow work, after work, S is coming over. Before she arrives i’ll have to do some dishes so we can cook. I’ll go to work by car tomorrow… Just to see if it’ll work.

Tuesday 26 November 2002 0:06

NP: The Doors – Gloria

Saturday a happy discovery: the washing machine works again! Zieg, Zelk and me, were joined in a wine soaked night… Filled with jackasses and cartoon kiddies. It was a bit of a weird night.

Sunday I just hung around, a bit hung over… Got some bad news from another continent, but it’s alright now i think… Monday there was work again… Pretty tough… But i’ll manage… Tonite total network crash in Ntown… It’s reasonably up and running again… Not really though.

Tomorrow work and soccer. Shit only six hours to go… I’m so tired… And still sick… It’s gonna be a hell of a busy week… Guaka’s bday is coming up… Monchito is rich… Tomorrow is here too soon. Oh well… Oh well… Oh well…

Saturday 23 November 2002 13:26

NP: The Velvet Underground – Heroin

And I guess that i just don’t know… I’ve been ill the whole goddamn week. A bad mo’fo case of the flu. I still feel really shitty, but at least it’s not as bad as a few days back. Been spending most of my time in bed, shivering, or just feeling plainly miserable… Disease sucks… Of course noone showed up to console me, or to cook me a nice hot dinner… Nah… Why expect that anyway? Would I do it? Hmmm… Depends, I guess… I still feel pretty fucked up at the moment… Alternating hot and cold spells, aches here and there, the sniffles, coughing… Blèh… Don’t wanna be sick.

I was stupid enough to do the show anyway Tuesday… My head was about to explode all evening, but somehow I pulled through. It was quite the little fiasco… We were ready to rock, had everything set up, then headed out for a bite to eat before the show. When we came back… Well, they just told us that we were too late. Everyone had left. We were back around 8, we were supposed to perform by 8:30, but apparently people were so fed up with the rest of the programme, that they chose to get up and get out and go home. So there we stood… In a next to empty venue, ready to perform.

Because there were still a lot of people from the organisation, we asked them if they cared for a performance from us… We felt that it would be wasted time not to perform, so eventually, we did get up on stage and gave one of the worst performances we’ve ever done… Still we had fun. There were lots of cute art-girls there and just hangin’ out was fun enough. They asked us to join them for a drink afterwards, which we did for an hour or so… Then we headed home.

Today I got a call from some company telling me I won a new kitchen or something… Because I was still half asleep, i’m not sure what exactly happened, but i do recall entering a contest just for fun, a while back… So… Eh… Well, they said they’d sent more info, so i’ll just wait for that. Weird though, i don’t usually win stuff 🙂

sunny today

Sunday 17 November 2002 14:08

NP: Bob Dylan, Roger McGuinn, Tom Petty, Neil Young, Eric Clapton, and George Harrison – My Back Pages

Thursday I don’t remember… Friday nothing much happened. Saturday I should’ve done something else. It didn’t happen. G dropped by so i could fix his computer. He looked old. It scared me a bit. I couldn’t fix the damn thing… Alas. Hung out with U a bit… Seems like people have it difficult, these days. Spent my saturdayevening all alone… Watching a bit of television. Thinking, writing. I’d done the dishes and created some order in this mess.

Woke up sick as a dog. I feel miserable. Coughing, sniffles, headache. I eventually did get around to doing breakfast.

Yes, my guard stood hard

when abstract threats

Too noble to neglect

Deceived me into thinking

I had something to protect

Good and bad, I define these terms

Quite clear, no doubt, somehow

Ah, but I was so much older then

I am younger than that now

Tonite AE is dropping by to prepare for the gig. We need to pick out graphix, talk a little more about the show. I really don’t feel like doing that… But I guess I have to. I feel sick and miserable… Yet comfortable somehow. I know I have got things in order, a little. I just wish that I’d get one more wish. I sincerely doubt that will happen. And perhaps that’s just for the best. I wonder how, when times have moved on, how they and perhaps I will look back on all this… I already feel how every year you slide away from yourself… While you’re left with only you… It’s a paradoxical feeling of melancholy, despair and loss… And I think everyone can feel it. This is not a “Condition Scarum”, this is -I think- how most people feel, if they allow themselves to feel it. But then again…. 

In a soldier’s stance, I aimed my hand

At the mongrel dogs who teach

Fearing not that I’d become my enemy

In the instant that I preach

My existence led by confusion boats

Mutiny from stern to bow

Ah, but I was so much older then

I’m younger than that now.

Funny how this works… Funny that it’s actually a bit sunny on this Sunday…

Thursday 14 November 2002 0:07

I never feel like updating this anymore… Guess there have been some changes in my life, the last couple of months… Last friday… Let’s see… Guaka dropped by, we had phun updating our server… Which went totally haywire… Afterwards I was fucked up, but i still went out for drinks… Bit of a strange night… On saturday, we met up again, me, zieg, guaka, J… To celebrate J’s birthday in Nevohdnie @ smAids’ place. We bought some nice gifts for J 😉

The party was fun, but too fucking drunk for my taste… Guess i’m getting old… On sunday we walked around the fields, looking for shroomz, not seriously though… It felt nice. The way back to N-town was not so great, but things had to be said.

Coming home, trying to fall asleep amid all this… Monday I worked. At night, I ended up sleeping pretty early. On Tuesday I cleaned house a bit and Guaka showed up to finish the serverstuff… It’s nearly done… Still some things won’t work, but that’s okay… I guess… Not to worry. I half-missed soccer. Went to sleep too late. Got up this morning, went to work. She left today.

Had a rehearsal this evening. Wasn’t feeling to comfortable about everything. Still don’t, but hey… I guess it’s at least something. So next week, we get to do the gig. A brief visit across the hall. Not sure about what to think.

Tomorrow work and rehearsals. I’m hoping she’ll call… I don’t feel like calling. I’d feel as if intruding. Guess it won’t work. I’m tired. Not just physically. My mind is tired. My soul is tired.

Thursday 7 November 2002 22:54

NP: The Cure – I’m Cold

Yesterday I went to see Josh. I got up around 12am and was inside of a train by 12:15. I thought that was pretty damn good of me 🙂 After some fucking about with busses I finally saw J’s red cap looming up in the distance.

Back at the lair we had breakfast, talked and watched some foreboding movie… Guess we’re both quite curious as to what will be happening in this world in the coming years… As well as pessimistic. We laughed our asses off watching old jackass-episodes, before doing a bit of a march to the next village where we picked up the pimpmobile.

H-F was still at work, so we drove by to get her and all the stuff she needed for her presentation. There was some nice stuff I can tell you! To get us some grub, we headed towards the grocer’s, where we proceeded to have even more fun. Back home they prepared a good meal and provided clean plates as I was setting up the beamer to watch a movie on their livingroom wall 😉 Very cool, very impressive, wanna have that !!! 🙂 After the movie they drove me home as they headed for Ntown.

Today I got up early, off to work again. Not much to say about that… After I got home I got a visit, which threw me off a bit. I guess you cannot expect… Oh well, whatever, nevermind.

This saturday we are all going to meet up like old times at SmAids’ place for J’s 27th and just for the hell of it. I’m really looking forward to that. I hope it will be as much fun as i’ve been having lately which each on of them. Now it’s time to go to sleep again. And i’m grateful I can go to sleep now. I’m very tired. Very much ready for nice dreams… Perhaps I will wake up with a smile tomorrow…

Wednesday 6 November 2002 3:05

NP: The Cure – Torture

Again I slept too late, of course. Work was fucked up, we had a big power outage, which meant that for over an hour there was nothing to do… So I got really tired and then when finally the power came back on and we had to start working, i felt really tired.

Right after i got home it was time to play soccer. It was a rough game and we lost bigtime, but hey… what else is new, right? After soccer I hung out a bit with G and C… At home I read this rather annoying mail that got my panties up in a bunch… sort of… It pissed me off… Oh well… One has to say one’s fond fuck offs sometimes… 🙂

Now for a nice nights’ sleep. hmmm sleep is good… sleep is pretty… sleep makes me feel like i’m suckin’ her teenage titty

Monday 4 November 2002 23:47

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – First and Last and Always

Just a quick update from my bed… Now with this nice laptop, i can finally get all things done from the comfort of my bed…. No more sitting in the cold, behind my desk… just snuggly under the covers, typing away, surfing, chatting, watching a movie… Such incredible pleasure… 🙂

Got to bed way too late last nite…. Felt fucked up and tired the whole day… There was also a hellish trainride this morning, with some girl collapsing… Really bad… It was so goddamn crowded… Work sucked…

Gotta go sleep now… Tomorrow there’s another day on the job and later on there’s soccer. I feel so tired… Still a bit freaked now and again… I’ve been spending too much money lately… Gotta be careful with that shit… Take it easy for a while… Guaka’s coming ’round by the end of this week… I wonder what it’ll be like, seeing him again. Off to brush the teeth now… Then nice dreams. Quiet dreams…

Monday 4 November 2002 0:25

NP: The Cure – Secrets

Monday was quite uneventful, Tuesday I heard of S’ death. pH got a fucked up foot… A long, emotionally tough talk with a friend…. Then a call… More tough emotional stuff… Got through… Helped a bit, i hope…

Wednesday I called in sick… Felt so fucked up… Had a walk with Zieg, then i got a big panic attack, which left me shook up. But at least I know now it’s panic attack, which has been plagueing me for these past months…

Thursday once again, uneventful, except for a visit to U’s… Friday came, I got an evaluation at work, which proved my skills, nice… Although I’ve heard there are going to lay offs… I hope I won’t get sacked.

Fridaynite S came over, we got some groceries, got some fries, drank some wine… C dropped by and we got to Zieg’s gig. Loud…

Saw A, talked to her outside for a few hours… Got home eventually, very tired… Woke up saturdaymorning to a phonecall from M, which didn’t cheer me up at all… Felt fucked up, too much booze, slept some more, went down south in a very shaky state, panic in trains… Frantic phonecalls… Later on some real heavy emotional stuff… Shook me up… Nice prezzy though…. 🙂 Slept really deep…

Woke up bad, really frantic… Spent the morning with M and got back to Ntown in the afternoon. I used the rest of the day to get my second lan online… Eventually did some dishes, cooked a bit and now i’m way too late for my bedtime… Tomorrow there’s hell to pay at 6am…

Sunday 27 October 2002 23:54

Ok… Long time no entry… Let’s see… That Wednesday came, I went to work, came home, ate, fell asleep for a bit, then woke up fucked up, realising i’d made a reservation for that concert… I pulled myself together and got up. C showed up and together we were off… The concert was great, met a nice young girl, who told me I had a huge yellow aura… Much energy. Afterwards a quick (non-alcoholic) drink and then off to bed… Again I slept only about 5 hours, which is not nearly enough if the alarm goes off at six.

Thursday was a hell of a hectic day at work… Unfortunately I got a bit cranky… So that sort of ruined my day. I got home and didn’t spend too much time doing nothing before falling asleep.

Friday came as quite a relief. The last day of my first week on the job. I was really looking forward to the weekend. Finally work was done and I came home elated. Cuz S was coming over, to cook me dinner, I had to organize and clean up a bit… Which I did, in a hurry… She arrived, we talked, she cooked, we ate… Watched a movie, but not even halfway through she fell asleep… So I let her snooze for the duration of the movie… What with her work and everything she must be tired as well… She left just after midnight.

The rest of my fridayevening was spent in front of the tv, behind the monitor… Not really happy about being so bored, but okay… I was tired so i got to bed and crashed… My Saturday came quite early, I got up, watched some stuff on my pc, jumped on a bike to hit the stores and bought me some roms, some flip-over paper and groceries. Back at home, more tv… Burning away megabytes to make room on my harddrive… S dropped by to see if i would give him some Hoffman. I eventually did… I guess i’d call it an exception. I soon found out that my saturdayevening was gonna be solitary as well… I tried to settle comfortably in that fate, but alas… Somehow my soul couldn’t keep quiet. I did work out the first chapter of the story i’m writing… The outlines… That was interesting, for a while…

So sunday came early too, but that had to do with daylightsavingstime… I dreamt weird shit. Well… Woke up, did breakfast, more visual shit… The day crept by hellishly slow… Really frustrating… Talked to Dries on the phone… Wrote some self-pitying stuff on my flip-over-pages… Now… Just the same old shit… All alone here, with some wine, candles… Illusions, hopes, memories and anguish… This is great… Tomorrow is my day off, so there’s no need to hit the sack early… But as things are so shitty… I might just as well go to sleep in a bit… Great… The only thing to look forward to is work. 🙁

Tuesday 22 October 2002 23:45

NP: Kenneth Newby – Fathom

Eventually got a hold of Josh sundayevening… Talked to him for some time… Then tried to sleep, but failed miserably… Woke up fucked up, had to go to work… That was quite the little bitch… Oh well… Fell asleep pretty fast mondaynite, but woke up again… So once again, my sleep hadn’t been undisturbed…

Today pH and me went down south, to get some monitor-desk-support thingies… Which we will be selling shortly… Also a huge monitor (27″ i think), 2 smaller monitors, a laserprinter and some other stuff… It was quite the undertaking. Then off to play soccer, which was great, there were 9 people, a record! 🙂

So after soccer, I hung out a bit with G, C, and pH outside the store, just chillin’… Then home, where K was entertaining Richyboy… They both came over for a bit and we talked. Nice… After that dinner and tv… It was already getting late… Took a shower just now, gotta brush my teeth and get to bed… Tomorrow there’s a 6am alarmclock again. That really is harsh… It’s nearly midnite, so I hope i’ll get to sleep pretty fast… Long day tomorrow, cuz there’s also DAAU in concert. Also talked to E today for a bit… Which was nice. Okay… Enough… Gonna go sleep now…

Sunday 20 October 2002 18:45

Slept, though not so fucking great… Got up early enough, starting the dishes, vacuuming, washing… Meanwhile watching a few episodes of this great BBC-documentary. A wee bit of exercise and a shower right now. Then just some plain old relaxing, until that time comes around again… The times to slide into bed, try to leave consciousness in the dark and rest the body and soul. Tomorrow it’s gonna be really really early.

Talked a bit to Smaids online. Haven’t seen him in quite a while. Or talked to him for that matter. Didn’t seem to be doing too well… Been trying to contact Josh, but he’s incommunicado again. Oh well… There’s no hurry…

Sunday 20 October 2002 4:13

NP: The Chemical Brothers – Life is Sweet

Thursday I felt a bit better and headed on back to work, as well as friday… The course is over, next monday i’m starting the real job. Fridayevening I saw S as he was at my door, getting ready to leave since i wasn’t there… We talked some and I invited him over to our AE meeting… We ate, discussed new things and off I went to hop on a train to get down south. Of course the trains were defective, so we had to disembark somewhere on the tracks, jumping out of a train, some 1,5 meters. Exciting. Anyway… Nearly an hour later than planned I finally got to M’s place. Talked a bit, slept rather badly and dreamt weird stuff…

Today I woke up early, got up, coughed my lungs out for about half an hour, had breakfast and went to see G. He’d told me he had some equipment for me, so I decided it was worth a look. Turned out to be interesting enough… I’m going to pick it all up next tuesday together with pH. Decided to leave everything and got back to M’s where i locked myself out of my mobile. Oh well… Hopped on a train back to N. Rather engulfed in melancholic music all the way. Bumped into C and G at the station. They were just heading south.

Been sitting here all evening, watching some series, some tv, reading some review of an IndusTree song. They think my singing sucks… Oh well… It was live, I think I forgot to mention that. Been talking to pH a bit online. Really lame saturdaynite. Some resurgance of past emotions, mixed with new, or should i say fresh… Hard to keep my head clear. I am a bit stressy of late. Guess my doc’s right on that one. Sleep now. At least I’ll try. Early morning tomorrow, so i’ll sleep. Monday I have a 6am appointment with my alarmclock. Work starts at 8am. Yikes. Scary. Oh wait, this was my weekend?

Wednesday 16 October 2002 15:42

Yes! They’re out! Gone! No more Balkenende I! Okay people… Let’s think this through before we vote again… For now, rejoice! And let’s be happy that this bullshit is over, our mistakes can be corrected! 🙂

Tuesday 15 October 2002 23:57

Will it fall? Will we have to vote for a new government in the coming weeks? I hope it’ll go wrong, badly wrong, which will make it clear to my stupid countrymen that we have to think a bit more and watch less television when elections are up… So down! Down with the Dutch government! Claus dead, Balkenende I dead!!!

Tuesday 15 October 2002 17:31

NP: Radiohead – Nobody does It Better

Spent the whole day inside yesterday. Feeling really out of touch with reality… Everything’s gray, the sky, my mood… I’m sure my complexion and eyes are grey by now as well… You should never ever combine illness with depression… It’s not yet depression, but it’s hatching… Watched moving pictures… Read alot, reading this book that i should’ve read some 7 years ago… Time… You evil cheating son of a bitch… How cruel art thou? Conserving some men for eternity in immortal words, yet others you let die before even reaching maturity… (Once again i’m not talking of dead princes)

Woke up still fucked up this morning, decided against going to work… Will tomorrow… Slept, sweat, wretched sheets, trapped, nightmares and headaches… Watched a depressing yet beautifully naive movie… Just sitting here, reading about professional poets… Dutch glory. Girls, blonde and blue eyes, green eyes, brown eyes, wide, narrow, beautiful thighs… Nothing…

Soccer I guess… Gotta be careful not too strain myself… Go easy on me… Self love, self loathing… It’s like a thin sheet of ice on a deep and dark lake… The one where the creatures live…

Monday 14 October 2002 11:29

NP: Robert Rich – Inner Landscapes Part IV

Thursday came and went, I think I picked up this horrible cold Thursday evening when helping K out with installing a firewall… Friday I headed for work, but in the afternoon, the plans changed and we had to do some packing… The company has moved building over the weekend, so they needed everything packed. We could leave a bit early, which I was greatful for, I still had a lot to do…

I came home and did some vacuuming, took a shower and waited for M to arrive… I took her out to dinner, but in the restaurant the dizziness suddenly acted up like a madman and i was struggling to maintain. On top of that came the fact that the meal i’d ordered really wasn’t to my liking, so i ate only a bit of salad… We talked and I guess that’s what’s gotten me through that ordeal. What a nightmare.

After we (well actually she 🙂 had finished and paid the bill we went outside where i felt a lot better. We took a brisk walk to the concert hall which packed with people coming to see the Carmina Burana. I felt a bit anxious at first, but when eventually seated, i calmed down and was sure i’d be able to enjoy it all… And we did.

Afterwards we went home to my place, for some wine… We talked. There’s still a lot to say. Around 1 am I took her home. I came home all shivery and read a bit.

Saturday I got up quite early, well for a saturday anyway… and headed out into town. Bought some cd-r’s, picked up some books from the stands in the city centre… Quality choice I have to say, for secondhand dealers… Did some groceryshopping. By this time i was in a bit of hurry, cuz i was late for an AE meeting. So once again i felt a bit jittery, but it wasn’t anywhere near friday’s magnitude. The meeting went very well… I have confidence that our new show will become quite something. I came home afterwards, ate dinner and watched some tv as i burned roms…

Later that evening I got a call from Mikey, who wanted to drop by… So I called up Zieg as well and we ended up sittin’ here, just talking. Nice. Mikey left to get a bus, so me and Zieg started discussing my problems. We analysed it through and i came to some interesting insights. I hope these will help me alleviate the stress a bit. It was a very well-spent evening.

Sunday came, but i was still so sick… It had started saturdaymorning, terrible coughing, runny nose, headaches, sore throat. Sunday was no better at all, so I stayed in, accepted, then reconsidered and declined an offer from C to go for a walk. Spent some time in bed reading, falling asleep… In the evening, I prepared a healthy meal and sat on the couch watching a movie, read a bit and fell asleep.

Didn’t sleep well at all, woke up several times, rolling around in my sleep. Morning came and i still felt so lousy, that i decided to call in sick. Too bad i don’t know the new number… Also the employment agency doesn’t open that early, so i closed my eyes and slep a bit more. When I woke I called them and told them to please tell the company i work for. Now i’m sitting here, coughing, dripping from my nose, a bit of a headache… Outside the rain keeps coming down… It’s autumn all right… And I have a bad case of the sniffles. I’ll go lie in bed a bit more, me thinks… Read a bit. Bah… I don’t like being sick.

Wednesday 9 October 2002 23:05

Came home from work tuesday, started editing video for my gig… Zieg showed up, we left for soccer… Played soccer, although i didn’t go all out… Just being a bit careful… After work, more editing, frantically getting my show together… No time for dinner or shower…

Went to the club, did my stuff… It caused quite a bit of ruckus, which was fun 🙂 I also got a point across, something that was very satisfactory to me… I succeeded in instigating a public discussion… No details… Too tired now…

Didn’t sleep enough at all last nite… Work was boring… I think i might make a little more money than i thought at first, which is good, but we’ll have to wait and see… As for right now… I really need sleep. I will be happily snoring in a bit…

Tuesday 8 October 2002 8:10

NP: Atom Heart, Tetsu Inoue And Bill Laswell – Synthetic Forest

I don’t understand, slept for about 7 hours, perhaps even more and still i am so goddamn tired… It’s starting to get really nice and cold, which makes sleeping heaven… Perhaps it’s just that… Gotta get ready now… blèh…

Monday 7 October 2002 23:19

NP: Portishead – Strangers

Woke up early enough… Went to see my doc, he examined me, said i have a ganglion on my wrist, which isn’t all that evil. Okay… Furthermore he told me that the other symptoms i’ve been having are of a nervous nature. He demonstrated this rather dramatically by having me close my eyes and experience the constant fluttering of my eyelids. I have a hard time believing him, cuz i have these real physical symptoms, the near-fainting, the light-headedness… He seemed to believe that I have some stress-related problems. He was rather patronizing… Although… I don’t know, perhaps that’s just the way i interpreted it… He cut me off after ten minutes and told me to come back for another blood pressure measurement and a hemoglobine bloodtest. I told him i was not about to let myself be punctured if it wasn’t necessary… I have to go back wednesday…

At work, I pushed my ganglion rather hard and nearly passed out again. I’ve been weak all day. Hiding away in the lunch-hour. So fucking paranoid that i’ll just pass out en plein public and do the spastic shuffle, frothing at the mouth… Mr. Doctor man didn’t really put me at ease… The day crept on.

I came home to virusses in my pc, captured though… Frantic phonecalls of people who’d been infected and needed assistance. Talked machine for two hours straight… Afterwards a quick, nervous visit to the shop… TV, cooking, dinner, tv… Took out the trash, got to go to bed now. Sleep sounds like heaven… Tomorrow my gig… Not sure how i will handle this… I’d have to skip soccer… I’m not stable at all, i’m all over the place…

Sunday 6 October 2002 23:05

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Adrenochrome

I did nothing but hang out at home friday. Same goes for saturday, although I said goodbye to Zieg and his girl and met the curly ones in town. Saturdaynite I talked to M on the phone… Very nice. Watched too much tv this weekend… Today i cleaned, washed up, did the whole thing… sitting at my desk… Chestpains now… Claus died… Depressing tv… Tomorrow there’s the doctor and work… Now there’s potty, shower and bed. And fast. Hope i can sleep. I feel lousy. Nervous.

Saturday 5 October 2002 0:02

Wednesday came, nearly passed out at work… I survived… My wrist is driving me nuts. The AE meeting went well i think. We talked about important stuff. I think we want basically the same things… We’ll see… I talked to M on the phone. I’m so drawn to her. Just talking to her is great. I don’t care if it’s all gonna go bad again… I don’t want to be careful or whatever. I’ll just feel what i feel and the rest will come as it will…

Thursday I was riding a bus to work, when a woman riding a bike, coming from the right failed to realize that a bus is big and hard, and smashed right into our bus. The three people in the bus… the driver, a girl and me, rushed out and while running i pulled out my phone and called the emergency services… She was in pain. Hurt bad… Her back was hurt, her ankle broken i think… A big bruise on her hand and wrist. She was shivering, crying… Talking about how stupid she was, she felt sorry for the driver, she said… I told the police he didn’t drive too fast, which… he didn’t… But the bastard didn’t stop when he could have. That’s why i yelled at him, while he was still driving. I didn’t tell anybody this. I felt it was in no-one’s interest at the time. I distinctly remember how he was looking in his mirror at this woman… You could see he was annoyed she didn’t stop… And he drove on. Eventually cops showed up, then after a while the ambulance came. It took quite some time… Fifteen minutes or so… Afterwards, the driver couldn’t get his bus up and running, so i walked, ’til i got picked up by another bus… Arrived late at my work. Had the shakes for a bit.

Today I woke up a bit tired… I’ve been hitting the sack quite early all this week. Been sleeping for about seven to eight hours every night. It’s amazing, can’t believe that I actually am able to pull this off… I’ve never been one for early bedtimes… The jobtraining is a bit boring, becuz it goes so slow. I could probably start work in a week, if given the opportunity, but i guess it doesn’t work that way. I have to stay in the same pace everybody else is in.

Saw someone‘s site’s updated finally… But when I read it, I realised it was a load of horsemanure. I don’t believe a word she said, but i can understand why she’d say it… Well you gotta live your own life your own way. I still say you got great tits babe 😉

There’s been a small moth flying around here… When the lights are out and it flies in front of the tv, you can see how its’ wings work… It’s a beautiful flowing motion… You never see it, becuz it’s so fast… Cooked a bit of late night dinner, light… veggies and rice… Now i’m just hangin’ about, thinking about a few people… Life is changing… And it’s changing quite fast. I’m not sure if i’m keeping up or lagging behind… But i guess it’s a good thing either way. I’m reading Nietzsche

Tuesday 1 October 2002 23:52

NP: The Cure – The Big Hand

Got to work in time today… In the train, half asleep, I wrote some pretty poetry… I felt exactly what i wanted to write… It had been in my head all along this week…

Work was less bad than i’d thought… Which was nice… So I don’t feel so bad having to be there every day. Played soccer… Great game… Scored quite a number of goals… Got a bit dizzy afterwards… Clenching my theeth not to pass out in the grocery store… Gave me a bit of a scare… My arm, wrist and hand still hurt like hell… And the lump hasn’t receded either… I’m starting to worry…

Eventually calmed down a bit, when i got home… maybe thanx to the isotonic drink as well… Took a shower… Cooked a light meal… Talked to M on the phone… Watched some tv… All these politics… internal and external wars…

Got some nice mail… An invitation to see the Carmina Burana and another asking me to perform next week. I agreed to both 🙂 Tomorrow, there’s work again. In the evening there’s an AE meeting. I feel sleepy… Gonna lie down now. Dream of that face… Or maybe of another… Who knows?

Tuesday 1 October 2002 0:25

NP: Robert Rich – Nesting On Cliffsides

Did stay awake a couple of hours more, yesterday… U dropped by for a sec, I fell fast asleep not long after… Woke up in time this morning, took a shower and headed to the station, of course there was a delay, so i waited… Finally the train arrived, or so i believed… Alas, it was the wrong one and i was most literally on the wrong track… So I had to doubleback and wait for another connection… I was heading for my first day of work, so i didn’t want to be late… Eventually 5 minutes before work, i got to A, where out of desperation, I took a cab… I arrived just a few minutes late…

Had the introduction today… They’re a bit strict, but I guess I can live with that… After getting back, late in the afternoon, i made me some dinner and waited for h-l to arrive… we’ve been working on her poster and tonite we finally finished the thing. It looks even halfway decent, me thinks... We talked a bit and now she’s gone again…

I think I have something seriously wrong with my left hand, there’s a swelling on my left wrist and a smaller one one my hand… It hurts like a hell… So does my whole arm actually… Definitely not good… I hate doctors… grrr… oh well… sleep now… soon… Tomorrow early back to A…

Sunday 29 September 2002 18:26

I got up early thursdaymorning, did the dishes and the laundry. Went to the AE meeting, which was a bit weird… Afterwards on a bus to my jobinterview… I got the job. I’m starting tomorrow. Thursdaynite A came over, later on her friend J joined us. We talked a bit and went out to see some fucked up rock-boyband… I decided to split and ended up in O, where I got gradually drunk as the evening progressed. I had fun and wrote, while listening to live music. Dries called me somewhere halfway through the nite, but the conversation got drowned in alcohol and noise… After O, I decided to check out the club, which was a bit of a bummer. Don’t feel too comfy there any more. Too bad. Drank some more and went home.

Friday I talked to the people in E-town, who have booked AE for september next year, negotiations about our fee… I turned out to be a rather handsome sum of money, which filled me with a sense of pride. I decided to head south that day… Took a train, did some reading… Good stuff. At home I stayed up rather late talking with M… Later on reminiscing with old documents.

On saturday I got up around 2, immediately starting working on clearing out the room, getting some stuff into the basement from the backyard… Afterwards I sat down for some breakfast… Read the newspaper. With M back and time to spare, we decided to go to the shoestore, to see about my boots… Off course the guy said they had to be shipped back, in order to get them fixed. Eventually it was decided that i’d get a new pair. So now i have two.

In the evening me, Josh and h-f drove to down to see tha d-man and got engulfed in videogames… All night long. I got to bed rather late and was awoken only three hours later, cuz i was gonna catch a ride in the pimpmobile back to N-town. It was damn cold down there… J dropped me off at M’s, so i ate some breakfast, talked to her a bit and then they were back for the last leg of the journey. We had some interesting discussions while on route…

I’m just trying to stay awake for a bit longer now, so i’ll get that rhythm going nicely for my new job. Tomorrow afternoon I have my introduction. I have to complete a three week course, before doing the actual work. I’m okay with that… I’m getting paid for it. It’s gonna be a bold new world come monday. So very tired right now… I could use some dinner perhaps… Stay awake for just a couple of more hours…

Thursday 26 September 2002 0:01

NP: Lull – In the Distance

Yesterday I got a call from the employmentoffice, they wanted me to do a test to analyse my callcentre-abilities… I did pretty good. So today I got another call… I have a jobinterview tomorrow afternoon. I’m curious… Will I get this one…? It doesn’t pay that much, but i’d have a job…

Soccer was great… except for the fact that there still aren’t enough people present… Talked to Josh on the phone… In the evening I attended a party that was sort of in my honour, but not really… It was my last official day at the club. I got a (my second) silver card… A bottle of voddy and I was invited to get drunk at the club’s expenses… So I did… It felt a bit weird… It’s been five years or so since i first started there… Oh well… I’m getting too old for that stuff anyway… And I have my own projects of course… Got home pretty early in the morning…

Slept pretty much all day… Had really weird sci-fi dreams… Weird party dreams… Strange dreams… Forgot my doctors’ appointment… Oh well… A trip to the grocer’s, bumped into Cman, talked a bit… Came home, cooked dinner… Watching tv now… Sleep in a bit…

Tomorrow there’s an AE meeting, then off to A-town for the interview… In the evening A will come over… I have to clean house… I intend to get up a bit early tomorrow, so I can do the dishes and everything…

Tuesday 24 September 2002 1:48

NP: Leonard Cohen – Chelsea Hotel no. 2

All these warmongers on tv

Nearly made me forget

There are things you should try to remember

Even if it’s quite hard

Or not all too relevant anymore…

I don’t want to be a bore

But sometimes it’s all i can be

But that’s okay…

It’s okay…

I did remember your birthday…

Didn’t do too much today. Paperwork and telephonecalls… I still get the shakes sometimes… Funny pictures of Josh… My life is wrong right now.

Sunday 22 September 2002 23:44

Yesterday Mikey, Zieg and Cman showed up, we drank some voddy, watched old homeflicks… Pretty good… Today at 12 U showed up with breakfast, we ate, talked, she left and I met up with Cman for a cycling-tour of the surrounding villages… Came home, watched some tv, took a shower and had dinner.

Now sitting here, watching some telly again. Gonna go to sleep in a bit… Still feel a bit weak, although i think the cycling did me alot of good. Ready for some h20, thirsty… 🙂

Saturday 21 September 2002 19:24

Did absolutely nothing the past 24 hours… I feel lousy… Empty, bored, irritated, tired, fucked up. beh… I wish there was something to do… I haven’t been smiling for quite a while now… It’s at least been 2 days.

I’m curious as to what or if anything at all will happen tonite… I guess I should see about some food right about now…

Friday 20 September 2002 12:09

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Emma

My doc told me I have a clean bill of health, aside from the fact that my bloodpressure is a bit high, she couldn’t find anything wrong with me. “Healthy food and regular exercise!” Sure doc, I ‘ll do that… That’s what I’ve been trying to do anyway, so… I guess i’m on the right track healthwise… My complaints probably stem from too much computerwork, i’ve strained my chestmuscle a bit too much and high anxiety is to blame for my discomfort. The best thing to do was to put it out of my mind, she said. I’m still feeling a bit queasy, a little uncomfortable, but with any luck that’ll pass…

Yesterday was very much fun. I loved having M around. We talked and talked… She made me forget all about my ails and even got me in the mood for a little wine. Around 2 am I brought her home. Fell fast asleep when i got home… Nearly overslept. Now the sun is shining outside… A little post-summer sunshine… I don’t know what i’ll do now… Perhaps read a bit… Try and relax a bit.

Thursday 19 September 2002 19:52

okay… This I don’t believe… I got two calls… 45 minutes apart. One saying “Congratulations! You got the job!”, the other saying “Oops… There was a mistake, you don’t have the job…” So what about that? Fucking hell… Okay… They thought I was too soft, not commercial enough, too socially involved, so i’d get too sensitive about my job. Although they thought I was very intelligent. Hey! Thank you very FUCKING much! Goddamnit… So I felt really fucked up all day…

I didn’t sleep too well either… I’m having these anxiety attacks again. Wake up in the middle of the nite, feeling pressure on my chest, pains in my left arm… Hmmm… Yummie… Could it be? Well, I’ve been having this for quite some time and i’m still among the living, so I guess it’s not lethal (yet), but anyway… I’m going to see a doctor tomorrowmorning, just to be on the safe side…

Now isn’t this wonderful? I’m having these great fears I might die any second, even during the daytime, my jobapplications all hit rockbottom cuz i’m just not enough of an asshole… I love my life… Seriously… I do… I’m scared… This isn’t funny anymore.

Tonite M is coming over, I’m curious as to how that will be… I’m not feeling all that hot and i’ve still some stuff to do before she’s here… Already panic is slowly creeping back into my chest… Oh wow… Isn’t this just peachy…?

Thursday 19 September 2002 0:10

Again with the mosquitoes… Grrrr… Monday I did the jobinterview… Again I think it went well… But we’ll see how it panned out tomorrowmorning. Have a terrible time getting to sleep these days… Tuesday there was soccer… A bit disappointing cuz there were only 6 people… H came over last nite to work on a poster…

Got up this morning around 10, dozed off again at 12… Been sitting here watching tv… Don’t feel so good. Think I’ll go lie down, perhaps a little read. Hope the mosquito just dies or flies out of my room. Tired, tired, tired…

Sunday 15 September 2002 21:04

Saturdaynite I ended up at the club… Got there very late… Really not sure what to do with my saturdaynights… Most of the time i’m just a bit bored… After I got home this morning I felt really fucked up… All trembly, high strung… Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t relax… Sometimes I do have concerns about my health…

Managed to fall asleep eventually… Woke up in the afternoon, took it easy… Just preparing a spot of dinner now and doing some dishes laundry… Tomorrow there’s another jobinterview… Or maybe Tuesday, that’s still in the pipeline… There’s some goddamn mosquito buzzing around… Gotta do some killing… Captivating Television this… Scary shit man…

Saturday 14 September 2002 2:35

NP: David Bowie – Changes

Around 2 am last nite, i decided to go have a look at the club. Busy nite, good times… Got pretty wasted… Ended up in bed around 8 am

Woke up this afternoon… Definitely hung over to some degree… Got a call that I got picked out 15 to do a jobinterview… That’s after the weekend… That’s a glimmer of hope… S dropped by, we ate some food, talked, watched a movie, then she left… Afterwards I watched another one, quite impressive…

Not so tired, but tired, feel like going out and staying in… Wish I knew some people who feel like me… Damn… Sometimes this really sucks ass… Anyway… I think I could sleep, probably… I hope there’ll be something to do tomorrow…

After watching this warmovie, i feel bizarre watching the news… Is this really what the world wants? More war, suffering, death? Are we willing to pursue and attack all these countries? Are we willing to stand by our governments? Is this what we want? Is this democracy? ARE WE ALL GOING TO SIGH AND BOW OUR HEADS AFTERWARDS? WIR HABEN ES NICHT GEWUßT? am i the only one who is starting to feel scared?

Thursday 12 September 2002 20:15

I got rejected for that job… I was stunned to hear that i didn’t qualify… Apparently they thought I lacked the technical skills to do the job… Flabbergasted… That’s what I was… I really think they misjudged me, cuz i’m goddamn sure that i do have the goddamn skills to do the goddamn job… Oh well… I guess that’s that… I think i’ll never get used to this.

So now what? I don’t know… I have to keep on looking… Be careful not to spend too much money, got to be careful not to get too pissed off… Talking to Guaka, he’s moving into a new appartment, a place where Patricia Arquette used to live after she broke up with Peter Gabriel… Got to go shopping… Get me some dinner… While I still can… I’m glad I have some wine… I feel like drinking…

Thursday 12 September 2002 14:00

Jobinterview went well, i think… 🙂

Check this out:

This will only make sense if you know my surname 🙂

Thursday 12 September 2002 2:34

Dropped in at the club last nite, talked to C, G-man came by eventually… Afterwards another drink @ C’s… Later G came in for a nightcap… Got to bed very very late… Or early… Depending on your outlook…

Woke up in the afternoon, made some phonecalls concerning work… I have a jobinterview in about 7 hours… I did the dishes and another batch of laundry… Made my bed… Well, not completely yet… But it’s nearly done… So I will be off to sleep real soon. Hope everything will work out fine tomorrow… We’ll see… I need a job… Bad… Today at the grocers’ my card didn’t work, the one with the €5,- balance… So I had to settle for just half a loaf of bread… No more cash… 🙂 Nice this Newconomy

Tuesday 10 September 2002 21:40

Went to see about some state-funding for survival, cuz… Ya know, still haven’t got a job. They told me it could take up to two months… So I kicked my jobsearch in a bit of a higher gear… Unfortunately our goddamn economy is swirling in the toilet, ready to be flushed all the way… So… hokeypokeypiddlepokey jobseekers… Nothing much to do…

Played soccer tonite, which was great… Just a spot of shopping afterwards… Gotta be careful not to spend too much… Goddamn I feel like fucking… Any volunteers? (=

Tuesday 10 September 2002 15:13

NP: The Cure – Plastic Passion

Updated the store with some new products… Zieg is now also part of the collection… Buy Scarum now! Fuck Lagerfeld, Hilfiger and the like! Buy Scarum now!

Tuesday 10 September 2002 13:31

NP: The Cure – Homesick

Having seriously heavy deliberations about my life and future. Damn. Shouldn’t let this get a hold of me… Not such a good idea. Somehow it feels as if there’s timepressure. In principle, there is none of course, but that’s not what it feels like. That’s the trouble when you’re alone… You have to work it all out yourself. Noone that can help you relate, give you a fresh perspective… I have to cling on to this. Not let myself slip away. I feel lousy physically… I think I might be coming down with something.

There are things that can spark a bit of hope… But they’re like resentful ex-lovers… Only show up in your minds’ eye to boast or scold… Perhaps I’ll be able to confront some of them tonite… Just sit down and let it all wash over me… Clear my head and loosen my fingers… It makes me sad though… There is no right way to do things, no clear and cut path in this dreck… I knew that… I know that… But I’ve always hoped it would be different for me somehow… But unfortunately it isn’t… And yet it is. Even emotions aren’t clearcut any more. At one point being young at heart may turn to being retarded, senile… So let’s put on some kevlar clothing and try to dodge the bullets flying out there…

Tuesday 10 September 2002 1:41

NP: Robert Rich – Inner Landscapes Part 3

Things didn’t work out as i’d hoped… Did a lot less than planned, but oh well… IndusTree is back online! Which means all email is working again too! Woohooo! hehe

Decided against going out… Lots to do tomorrow… I’m tired, don’t feel too great… Sleep now. It’s better…

Monday 9 September 2002 4:12

NP: The Cure – Pillbox Tales

Wow… That was quite a job… I ran two cycles of laundry, did all the dishes, cleaned up, vacuümed… Pfew… I didn’t expect it to be so much work, but at least now it’s done. Quite satisfactory this feeling. Tomorrow, i’ll take a shower, eat a hearty breakfast and do the things i have to do. Then later on, i’ll change the bed linen and feel quite happy with my surroundings.

I’m still thirsty… I’m gonna drink the rest of that freshly squeezed juice. It’s so so good… 2 and a half glasses of the stuff in a minute or so… There’s a drink I could easily have every day of my life…

I’ve been in a weird mood today. Very focussed and oddly distracted… These strange internal contradictions. Longings and distances… Want and abstinence. Frustration and hope. I hope that within reasonable time, there will be a season that brings with it real change. Profound change. I will help it find me. I will open my myself, I will leave that candle on the windowsill… Shadows in the wind, swept across the moonlit hills. This autumn, enchanted and desperate… I’m out and in… There and here… My heart and mind have lost themselves forever in this terrific, terrifying duality…

Sunday 8 September 2002 21:17

Fridaynite Dries dropped by, we sat around, talked a bit, drank some wine, went out… Made some music with a few people downtown, then on to another site… By 3:30am Dries was ready to hit the sack… I decided to take a peek at the club. Saw E, which was a bit weird… Sat with G-man and R ’til near end, then sped on home.

Woke up saturday quite early, again talks on the balcony with Dries, after he left, i read a bit, talked to too many people on the phone… In the evening I met up with Zieg and rode out to Grubnekud, where M&D were having their party. We had a bit of fun, drank alot… Eventually left again with Zieg. Came home, sat here…

Woke up today, did next to nothing. Bah… Watching this new show… It sux, half of the time there’s no sound, so i wrote a complaint to the station… They can’t help it, it seems. Oh well…

Tomorrow lots of things to do…Tonite a bit of cleaning and shit… Maybe a movie. Thirsty.

Friday 6 September 2002 2:26

NP: The Cure – A Reflection

Talked to my former boss on the phone. Very strange to be talking to this guy again. He sure has created himself quite an empire. Lots of shops, lots of e-commerce. Interesting stuff… There are ways to get a business up and running apparently… Which proves you don’t even have to be that bright… You need to take chances…

Suddenly M was here. It was a bit of a shock. Seeing her again. It’s been really long… She brought me a book, a gift… I’d forgotten what kind of an impact she used to make on me (and still does, I guess). I was a bit worried at first, I wasn’t sure how things would be between us, but I felt good. I feel we’re okay… We talked for an hour or so, then she had to leave again. I do hope we’ll be seeing eachother in the near future.

Did some shopping, went to see U to bring back her guitar. We drank some tea and I gave her a massage… She fucked up her back. Painful… Back home I cooked dinner, watched tv, burnt some roms… Damn sometimes the fucking cdrw doesn’t work… I really hope it was due to a bad batch of roms… It’s warm in here. Although outside autumn is definitely peeking it’s head around season’s corner. I’ll stay in tonite… I’m gonna do some more reading… Sleep… 🙂

We finally figured out what the trouble was with… It just wasn’t registered anymore… Tomorrow we’ll be regging it for another four years… A joint venture by Guaka and me 😉

With no more memory of you

Except for the abstract

You shock me through and through

When eyes meet like this

I’m unable to contain

This song in my mind

This joyous refrain

Perhaps it is folly

Perhaps i’m a fool

There’s nothing I can do

Not one lesson learnt

In this cruel school

I want you

Thursday 5 September 2002 14:30

NP: Goo Goo Dolls – Iris

whoaaa… Got drunk last nite. That bottle of FonrimmS I got as a b-day prezzie got half-emptied yesterday. DT was here, we discussed AE and drank. Later on U called and came over. We all drank together, waxed poetic and eventually left for the club.

I drank even more and got steadily more drunk. Eventually G-man and R joined me at home for another drink, but it didn’t last that long…

Talked to a drunk american girl, a bit… Tried to focus on breakfast tv, but gave up… Sleep rolled over me… Explicit dreams. Woke up around 13:00, got me some water, sat on the balcony reading. Peaceful, good. M should be dropping by K today, to pick up some stuff… I’m curious to see whether she will talk to me, or even say hi…

U invited me over for dinner tonite, but she did so heavily under the influence of booze and probably in a bit of a wacked-ass situation. Perhaps I won’t have to cook tonite, but chances are she forgot all about it and i’ll be cooking for myself after all 🙂

I have to do a recall on a few books i’ve lent to people. I want to get them back on my shelves. There’s just too many gone right now. Got an email from E, nice to hear everything’s okay over there. Been thinking about her a bit. Good to know her.

I’m slacking a bit this week. Should’ve done more, but somehow just don’t feel like it. Feel like hanging out just a bit longer. I’ll get shit on track again next week. No worries. Not right now. I feel good. Weird. But good.

Wednesday 4 September 2002 22:01

Tuesday I watched a movie, played soccer, took a shower and opened up the door to see SmAids, clint and P. They were looking for a birthdaybash, which of course was non-existent. Eventually they fell asleep around 2am, so I went to the club, saw some ppl, was given some booze… Nice actually. Got home, talked a bit to P, who was still awake, then fell asleep.

Woke quite early this morning. Smaids and P left, watched some movies and fell asleep. DT is coming over in a bit, I think… Not sure what will happen tonite. Perhaps… I dunno. I feel weird

Tuesday 3 September 2002 4:34

NP: Depeche Mode – Barrel of a Gun

Und er tat einen Wunsch, einen stillen Wunsch, und indem er ihn tat, fiel jene Qual von ihm ab, daß er sich auf so ferne und verschollene Dinge besinnen mußte, und alles fiel von ihm ab, was ihm weh getan hatte.

Es stürzte der Berg und das Land in sich zusammen, und wo Faldum gewesen war, da wogte weit und rauschend das unendliche Meer, und darüber gingen im Wechsel die Sonne und die Sterne hin.

Monday 2 September 2002 22:07

Woke up early enough, me thinks… Went to the unemployment office, looking for a new job, headed over to the old one, said goodbye. On my way to the store I bumped into S who was back in town just then… Walked her home. Got home with my groceries and watched some tv. Commented on some news and funny enough the editor changed it, to make it a bit more realistic… Which was cool =)

Right now, I have to start doing some chores… There’s lots to be done… I have to do the laundry… Bad… Then some dishes… Clear up the mess from this weekend… I should’ve cooked today… I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. I’m not sure if I hate them, but I definitely don’t particularly like birthdays. Well… To work, I guess… I would love some company 🙂

Sunday 1 September 2002 22:29

NP: BBC – 11 September [The Rerun]

Thursday I transferred over to K. Shortly after I heard a report that the service will be doubling their fee. Oh well… We’ll find another solution for our mailserver. I spent the day with E, just soaking her in once more, for I will not be seeing her for quite a long time. I really loved being with her. Later that day I went windowshopping with AE… Looking for stagethreads… I went out that night, did my best to get drunk. Didn’t quite succeed.

Friday I talked a bit on the phone, to various ppl… Rumours of the location where Teknival would take place were seeping through. Zieg showed up, we talked a bit, watched some stuff… More phonecalls, erratic decisions… At three in the morning, the decision was final… We’d be leaving soon. pH came pick me up and we met up with Ishi and Nekki.

This year Teknival was held in a beautiful nature-reserve, somewhere in northern Limbabwe. There were forests around, a lake -which we never found- and a large open field where all the trucks and soundsystems set down. Smaids was already there of course, helping them build up, cooking coffee… We hung around a bit, then morning broke and we retreated to the cars. The first warnings of a raid were emerging. Nothing happened, so we rested a bit and talked metaphysics.

In the early afternoon we were still deliberating setting up camp, cuz the threat of a raid was still very real. I talked to Ishi for a couple of hours, which was very interesting, then we headed out to the party. J had a arrived with H-L and Pete. J had parked a few kilometers north (i think) of the area, so he and I walked across a huge field to get the car. Luckily we were able to get into the same area we had parked. We hung around a bit, cooked some dinner and ate. Very peaceful and happy.

In the evening I was wondering about what to do… I hadn’t slept at all, so I was beginning to feel a bit weird… Poor Clint had been stung above his eye by a wasp, probably, the poor dog was really fucked up. After a while H-L was pushing me into taking some acid, but I felt it wasn’t a good idea, what with me being so tired and all. Eventually pH, H-L and Pete dropped some and had… well… A hell of a trip =)

Slept a bit ’til pH woke me up with the news of the raid. Not long after we saw policecars. We scrambled to break up camp and we left… After I got home, I took a shower, got into bed and slept… Too long… I slept ’til nine in the evening. It’s been so goddamn long since I pulled two all-nighters in a row. It felt good though… I was so completely fucked up… =)

Now… I should do some laundry… But i’m too fucked up… I’ll get into bed in a bit and sleep…

Thursday 29 August 2002 1:24

NP: Radiohead – Exit Music (for a film)

Well… I didn’t get the contract. I expected as much… I’d do good by not elaborating too much about work. Suffice it to say I’ve had quite enough. I’m looking for new employment.

I was very glad to be playing soccer again. To my amazement 8 people showed up. If E shows next week, we’ll be playing with two teams of five again. First time was pretty rough, but i loved it. It felt really good to be chasing some st00pid ball… Weird actually…

I felt really bad last nite. I never expected to get such a reaction from this situation. I thought this was all past me, I’d moved on… Apparently not quite yet. Well at least it means I still feel things.

Talked to A on the phone last nite. It was more pleasant than expected. Perhaps I’ll call her sometime. I’m glad pH was there later on, as well as Kim. Too bad pH got another ticket… Although… It’s still for the best.

I’ve had nightmares all nite. I woke up to a terrible feeling of surrealism, of exquisite pain. Tortured, is what i’d say… That wasn’t necessary dear mind…

Tomorrow I’m gonna transfer over to K, which will mark the end of an era… Fortunately nothing but the paperwork will be different. I’ll try and get in a visit to the employment office.

If i could explain, it doesn’t matter, i have my answer. Still… It feels different. I hope it will be good… Just for a bit, there isn’t much time, I know… I have to… I just have to…

I’m on a roll

this time

i feel my luck could change

Kill me, sarah

kill me again

with love

It’s gonna be a glorious day

You know what it does

you know how it works

you’ve seen the effects

And the drama

the head of state

has called for me

by name

but i don’t have time for him

it’s gonna be a glorious day

I feel my luck could change

You seem to be what i need

you seem to recognize

yet you slaughter my heart

and drop it in front of my feet

as you recoil in loathing

I stand, sink to my knees in defeat.

Monday 26 August 2002 2:14

NP: The Cure – Pictures of You (Extended Mix)

Nothing much happened saturday… SmAids informed me there’d be a party, but i felt a bit too tired to attend. Talked to Mikey and he said he’d come around. He brought D. We talked and drank some. Hit the sack quite early.

Today not much either… Some laundry, some dishes… My new burner is fucking up my roms… I don’t understand…

Tomorrow i’ll be working again. I’ll probably hear whether or not i’m getting a contract. I’m not to sure about it… We’ll see. Tuesday there’s soccer again. Which should be an elation. Not enough exercise these days… I need to get to bed… 🙁 bah…

Sunday 25 August 2002 19:58

[sultry female voice:] En wat maakt u vanavond met varkensvlees?

It’s so fucking annoying, these meat commercials… This is my “Fuck you!” to them 🙂

Saturday 24 August 2002 15:02 is offline. Every mail [email protected] is offline too at the moment. This may take a week or two to fix… Sorry for any inconveniences. All [email protected] has an automatic (and still working) [email protected]/ in special cases)

Saturday 24 August 2002 14:50

NP: Radiohead – How to disappear completely (and never be found)

Slept. Man did I sleep. I slept for twelve hours. I’m glad I don’t recall any dreams. They must have been about cables, flatscreens and departures. Woke up a few times from the electrical storm, loud bangs… I’m wondering about what to do today… Melancholy is creeping in…

Saturday 24 August 2002 2:04

Worked 24hrs in the last 48… Pretty heavy. I’d love to go out… Meet people, get buzzed, forget about work, about all the things that occupy my mind and soul… But I can’t… I’m too tired… Too wasted. I should just go lie down and forget about everything.

I know my mind doesn’t work the way it should right now. Surprise surprise… Music… Have to… don’t wanna… shit shit… oh man

Friday 23 August 2002 3:38

Said goodbye to her today… It was hard on me. I will miss her. Didn’t expect to feel so much. To feel so deeply and warmly. It hurts a bit

The past days are gone…Nothing to tell. I worked a twelve hour day today and in 4 i have to get up again. I feel sad now. I feel very very tired. I will sleep and work tomorrow. Then I will think, I will sleep… I will probably feel

Sunday 18 August 2002 21:27

NP: The Cure – The Jupiter Crash

Smaids called me, told me there was a party, but it turned out to be pretty far away from this city… Mikey came over and the three of us sat here, just talking a bit… SmAids was a bit frustrated, because he really wanted to go. So somehow things worked his way and ishi called, asking us if we needed a ride to the party. I decided to stay here, since Mikey wasn’t going to come along. SmAids left and Mikey sort of collapsed on me.

Unfortunately a few hours earlier, my graphixcard decided to stop giving me colordepth and 3d. So after Mikey left, I tried to fix that problem but ended up frustrated and sweaty (it’s been and still is so goddamn fucking hot). Around 4am I decided I had had enough of the weekend and tried to get some sleep in anticipation of SmAids’s return, whom I’d given a key. I slept a few uneasy hours, awaking at exactly the same moment as SmAids steps through the door. A bit of banter, then sleep, a few hours only. Sweat pouring down my body… it’s 11am and I’m awake, it’s sunday and this weekend has sucked big time.

So this day started rather early, I watched some movie in really crappy quality becuz of the faulty graphixcard. Trying to remain calm and immobile for the sake of retaining some fluids… Every move costs about a liter of liquid, it’s been at least 31 degrees today. Zieg just came by to get the keys to the bike he’d lent to SmAids for partypurposes. Talked to some people on the phone.

I feel low. I feel hot. I feel bored… I feel alone. I feel fear, I feel impatience, I feel possibilities, I feel lost… And the funny thing is… It doesn’t matter. NOt to me, not to anyone. I’m asking myself why I think the things that seem important to me are important at all. Why I shouldn’t just cut some ties. It scares me to think like that… I know it’s sane. I know it’s insane. I know this should be in italics… I’m not sure i care anymore. There’s a big moon out there. it’s not nearly full. but it’s big and beautiful to me. Rescues and hopes, fatalities and dope… Dutch words dream and murder, the opposites of hope and despair… They say you can never know what tomorrow brings.. But I think I have a good idea. I stopped believing in surpises, at least where I’m concerned. Listening to Cure songs… While that moon stares at me, blaming me for all that i’ve left behind, all that I dreamt about, all that I felt. Now i’ve given a small list of my feelings above… They don’t come close to resembling the intricacies of the emotional turmoil that laced the days and nights, especially the nights, of my youth… To wish impossible things… I wish I felt the need to express myself, to express myself in a beautiful story, something epic… Not so much clever and witty, critical and sharp observations of our perverted and demented society. Just a beautiful story that evokes a feeling deep down, just above your pubic hair… A tingly, nervous sensation, that slowly rises up to your chest until it opens up some hidden fawcet and fills your eyes with saltwater. That’s what I’d like to write. Something to make you wish you were young again, something to make you see what went wrong, what could’ve been, what still can be if you hurry, have faith and let go. But I guess i’ll never write it. I guess I’ll wither away, until one day it’s just too much for me or my body and I leave this place… This place which resembles my longings. Fulfills the feelings I wish for. It keeps my soul alive. And my black lake will always be there. For when the time. Has. Come.

Saturday 17 August 2002 15:16

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Summer

I dreamt of a girl I knew a long time ago… Shook me up bad… Last nite was fun, sort of… First there was an AE meeting, we finalised some stuff concerning the gig next Tuesday, then Zieg dropped by and we all went into the forest… Bumped into U just before we left… Asked her to join us, but it wasn’t great timing. There were some people there already, they were cool and we joined them. Mikey showed up as well. Had fun singing, playing toypiano, hitting a drum. Eventually only Zieg, Mikey and me were left. We talked, laughed… I got sort of melancholic. When I got home, I was feeling a bit depressed, but I also wasn’t too sober anymore, so thankfully I crashed pretty fast.

Shook off the dream and sat on the balcony for a bit… Feeling not too happy. I took up a book, started reading. Think I’ll continue that for now. Water… It’s 30 degrees centigrade out there.

I hope something will pop up. Something cool. I want to have fun tonite.

Friday 16 August 2002 1:22

Suzy dropped by today… Not much else… Trouble with the server again… So damn hot…

Thursday 15 August 2002 1:00

NP: IndusTree – GASZZ (

Been watching a lot of sci-fi today… Not much else, looking for a solution for K’s networking trouble… I feel lousy, shitty, it’s hot… I don’t feel like sleeping, although I should, I don’t feel like staying awake, although I’m compelled… I want freedom. I… Damn… I don’t know… Hmmm… I’m getting the feeling that’s someone’s avoiding me… I would…

Wednesday 14 August 2002 15:37

I was giddy with pain this morning. I nearly overslept. My back hurt like a bitch and I was still shaking the nightmares of bulbous, red-white spiderlike scorpions crawling along the walls… What a way to wake up… I’d been carrying something dead all nite. I decided to go to work in spite of my body’s protests, did my thing in about an hour and left again… I’m sitting here, unable to cope with this day. I feel mega shitty.

I’m also a bit frustrated, things still aren’t moving along with AE. It was supposed to be better, but I guess there’s patience to be practiced in all areas of life… Wish I could cancel my day… Perhaps even the years i’ve left… If I’d only knew with certainty that it would be deep, dreamless sleep.

The server will remain online, all email will be available, thanx to my neighbour, who will lend us her name for the coming 6 months, a year perhaps. It will certainly save us a lot of time and trouble in this hectic month.

I’m most definitely feeling sorry for myself right now. Can’t even keep my eyes open. I should get me some more roms, so I can free up more space and keep up with the dataflow. But the thought Of going out there, into the light and heat… Makes me shudder. I would write if my eyes would cooperate, I would take a shower if I wouldn’t procrastinate… I could think of a few other things that would rhyme, but that wouldn’t alleviate, nor would it compensate, so I guess I’ll just refrain and wait… Writing it down here won’t make it so, letting other people read it wouldn’t do me any good… Although I’ve never worried much about that… My god… It’s hot.

Although right now, the sun isn’t exactly blazing, but is providing real heat nonetheless, I can feel seasons changing, it’s like a difference is about to become a reality and wipe the farce of summer away. It’s not even close this year… It tries to mask itself, it tries to deceive me into thinking it is that which was once magnificent, shiny and magical… Alas, I see through you… Be damned summer, come autumn, come winter, let’s change what’s real. I need to close my eyes… I’m dizzy

Wednesday 14 August 2002 0:57

Tried to get to bed early, woke up really tired. Worked only 2 hours… Got home, watched a bit of sci-fi, went to the club for AE-rehearsals… Pulled a muscle while lifting D. We got our shit straightened out and made some arrangements for the performance next tuesday.

I’ve closed the windows and door to keep out mosquito’s but there’s one of those fuckers buzzing around here somewhere… Goddamnit… I hate fucking mosquito’s… I’m in pain… My back hurts… I don’t want to go to work tomorrow… I feel fucked…

Monday 12 August 2002 22:57

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Doctor Jeep

Told Guaka i’m not coming. I think it’s shitty, but i don’t have any money… So… Not much I can do about that right now. Although Mikey gave me an idea. Well there was work, then I watched like 6 episodes of S:AAB… yeah I know…

Cooked watched tv, drank some wine, took out the trash… Gonna get me water now and lay me in bed, read a bit… I’m so fucking tired. It’s getting warmer again. I think summer’s gonna kick in one more time… Perhaps for the last time. Nights are getting longer, it’s getting dark earlier and there is something in the air, that smells of fall… I remember a hotelroom near Prague, a bath, a large bed, cheap, fake, but tasty champagne… Books, music, contentment… Perhaps something more, I couldn’t say now… That summer was ending too… A bit early that year.

Monday 12 August 2002 1:21

The party was pretty good, we had lots of fun ’til early morn… Took a cab back, dumped SmAids, clint and J on Zieg and took Suzy and D with me, we watched some vidz of weekends past and passed out. Woke up quite early again, becuz of all the alcohol in my blood. Talked to Suze on the balcony about life and how things develop… Interesting to put my thoughts about the past in perspective. Around 2 pm J, c and S showed up, with the last one still in a sort of alcoholfog… We had some breakfast courtesy of the boys and talked, laughed some more. Around 4 pm they all left, after which I sat on the balcony again, this time with K. Eventually got down to business and cleaned, vacuümed, dishes, laundry, groceries… Watched some tv.

Alas, the time has come again to bid this day farewell, to get under that cascade of water and clean the skin, brush the teeth and lay the head down to rest, float off to vistas of unbridled happiness… And tomorrowmorning… The alarmbell. Work… YUck. Oh well, we have to endure.

Saturday 10 August 2002 21:20

NP: Pulp – The Day after The Revolution

Got to work, did my shit, hopped a train down south… It got a bit complicated but everything turned out okay in the end. Got back to N-town… Watched some stuff… Got to bed…

Got up, did some archiving, then started to feel really really bad… I got scared. Damn… Tried to sleep it off, but I still feel a bit… Freaked. Dunno. This shit is scaring me, ought to go see a doctor or something. Anyway ., tonite there’s a party, everybody’s gonna show I think… Should be good… Keep my mind on other things… Gonna take it real slow though.

Friday 9 August 2002 2:37

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – You could be the One

My colleague brought his little daughter to work today… Weird to be doing those reports while some kiddo is screaming… It was funny actually. After work, i headed into town, got some roms, checked out some burners, talked to D for a bit, saw a cd/lp market and checked that out for a bit… Saw a TG album, but didn’t feel like buying it…

Apparently I couldn’t contain myself after all, so I went into a bookstore and bought me some BurroughsHesse and some Nietzsche. That really made me happy. Talked to Guaka during the afternoon, cleaned, cooked, laundry, dinner, packed a bag for tomorrow… Burned some roms (not necessarily in that order 🙂

Mustered all the gung-ho I had left and wrote an applicationletter for my work, checked my cv and was satisfied that it would leave some sort of impression. NOw… All I have to do, is brush my teeth, open the window and try and sleep a few hours. Tomorrow I’m going south, to help M get in touch with certain organizations… Also there’s a party of sorts @ rem’s… Then saturday I will be returning for the party later that night… Looking forward to that… Well… That’s it for now. Pfew…

My wrist hurts… I hope i’m not getting RSI… 🙁

Thursday 8 August 2002 0:20

NP: Paul D. Miller – Coldphon

Slept… Wow… I slept… Got to work, S lost her purse, so she called me at work… She came over took my key, searched my place, called again, getting a bit desperate, so i lend her some money… She got a call, no probs… Happy S… I had a talk about my job today, did my job, went home… Had an AE meeting plus rehearsal, came home sat around, talked to ishi, talked to pH, Guaka called… He wasn’t feeling too well… Watched tv, watched even more tv… Gonna read a bit… Then sleep… Good sleep… Dirty work again tomorrow… bah… I’m in no mood… Gotta write that letter… Don’t wanna but gotta…

Wednesday 7 August 2002 1:02

Didn’t sleep too much last nite… Woke up, went to work, did my stuff there… Came home, slept a bit, read a bit, slept a bit, dreamt really weird wild shit.

S came over tonite, we did some shopping, bumped into E, came home, cooked, got some help on my resumé… Watched a movie. Now just chillin’ a bit… Took out the trash, cuz of the little fucking flies… Gonna go sleep in a bit. I’m tired. Tomorrow the connection will be up… I want to dream…

Tuesday 6 August 2002 2:13

NP: Lustmord – The Place where the black Stars hang

Unfortunately no more spacebullshit for me tonite… It’s way too late. Hangin the laundry to dry and writing the last update took a bit longer than I expected. I’m having an enormous headache and I feel a bit queasy… So i’m gonna lie down quietly and chill out… Tomorrow’s early start… Hope I don’t get sick.

Monday 5 August 2002 23:56

Back again. We’ve been offline for about four days. It’s surprisingly claustrofobic to have your website offline. Guess I’m a bit addicted to keeping this log with its’ shallow, short entries. Somehow the php-stuff got fucked up, so Paris-dwelling Guaka kicked it off, put it back on again and suddenly the server was up! So everybody in the HomelandProductions/IndusTree/303-domain is happy again… Especially since the server will be on a dual connection, one dedicated and the other for backup 🙂 We’re talking 10Mb/s – 100 Mb/s speeds (8

I can’t remember exactly what I did thursday, but i think I just hung around a bit, read… Friday of course work. In the afternoon E dropped by to take a shower. Unfortunately she didn’t need help with that 😉 We talked a bit, had some fresh OJ… Later on Zieg came over, we tried the box ‘o wine, which was good, talked and listened to music. Very nice. He told me about recent developments, which had me in stitches for a bit. Some people… Man… After he left, I watched some tv and went to bed.

Saturday I burned a lot of roms, watched a movie, hung around until Zieg and Mikey dropped by…

We cooked

And drank some fruitsoaked wodka

Of course there were dishes to be washed 😉

E dropped by later on that evening and joined us in our creative drinknick in the park. We made music; guitar, bongo and toypiano, I sang some duets with Zieg, great fun. Back at my place we watched some slideshows, after a while E left, then Zieg left… Mike and me talked until early ‘morn.

Sunday I woke quite early, cleaned up the place, did some of the dishes again 😉 burned more roms. Finished my book on the balcony, I felt good 🙂

Today I went to work, I’ve been thinking about this… I don’t know what will happen, but I feel a change coming. This week the new netwerk will be operational, which will mean megaspeeds. Burned even more roms today, talked to Guaka in Paris, talked to Dries, invited people to pH’s semi-private-party (is that accurate enough, pH? 😉 I’m gonna put up my laundry, watch one ep of Star Trek and then I’ll crash.

Oh yeah… The blinds finally fucking crashed… I’m gonna kick that thing ’til i’m all out of frustration =) Found the old IndusTree-banner in the basement and put it up in front of the door. Don’t know why I didn’t think of this two years ago.

Thursday 1 August 2002 11:46

NP: The Doors – Queen of the Highway

Got to work today, did all the reports by myself and fast too 🙂

After that I had a talk with some people, told them I was not going to sign my contract. I don’t think it’s such a good idea, since i get paid only once a month. That does not work for me; not with so few hours each weak. Thinking about applying for another job with this company. Perhaps that WILL work out. I’m not sure.

It’s finally cooled down a bit. It’s drizzling outside, strange enough it makes me smile (+

If i get my hands on a number two, come back home and marry you…

I would love to go walking today… Just for an hour or so… Strolling in the drizzle with a friend. I feel strange. Really really strange.

Sad to hear that another one bites the dust. I understand, but that doesn’t mean it’s right. A little less reading fun 🙁

Wednesday 31 July 2002 23:01

I’m having second thoughts about signing the contract. I’m not sure… I don’t think I will. Either way, got to get paid.

Feeling a bit weak, nauseous… I gotta go to sleep. This weather sux. Tomorrow there’s yet another day of work. Looking forward to the weekend… NOt much happening during the week. Cramps again. damn.

Tuesday 30 July 2002 0:38

NP: The Cure – Inbetween Days (shiver mix)

It’s just too goddamn hot

Sunday 28 July 2002 18:55

NP: Star Trek TOS – The Naked Time

Friday I worked ’till quite late, got home, watched some tv… Eventually went to A’s party, which was small, but ok… I talked to a psychiatrist about his job, personal development and the state of healthcare in our country. Got so incredibly tired after a while that I left for home…

Saturday came a bit unexpected. Tried to get a bit of a weekend feeling… Didn’t quite succeed. In the evening there was another party. Somehow I couldn’t get the feel for the party. Again I get really tired pretty soon. I drank a bit too much too fast I guess… Didn’t feel ill, just so tired. Eventually ended up joining the party at the club, but after 20 minutes I had enough.

Today I haven’t done that much… Just a bit of chillin’, watchin’ tv and stuff… Reading. It’s so fucking hot. I have to try and make the most of the remaining hours of this weekend. It’s been over way too soon. Tomorrow it’s 8 o’clock wakey wakey time again. I’m tired, can’t be despairing. Although… I might… This somehow… the weather, the time pressure, the lethargy… No gatherings. Alas. Those times have passed. It’s a solo-survivor-struggle… Beautiful isn’t it? Life… Perhaps there’s time and mind for words later on this evening…

Friday 26 July 2002 1:14

NP: Radiohead – Packt Like Sardines In A Crushed Tin Box (live in Vancouver)

Pulled another eight and a half hours today… Got a call from m, she was dropping by, which was a bit unfortunate, cuz I didn’t feel up to it… Really cranky… Been working hard all this week, so… Hope she understood i wasn’t being mean or anything, just very fucking tired… She was very sweet though… Brought me lots of gifts… I feel a bit… Guilty perhaps… Could’ve been friendlier…

Thank dog tomorrow’s friday… I’m really looking forward to chilling out a bit… I’m doing quite okay, but I sure need a weekend right about now… Tomorrownite there’s a party i’m expected to show at… Saturday as well… I need sleep. Bad.

Thursday 25 July 2002 0:04

NP: Aphex Twin – 04 [UNTITLED] “GREY STRIPE”

Worked for nine hours today… Cheesssus… That’s kinda heavy… I finally got paid for my website though. That was kinda cool… sorta… or something… dunno… Did some shopping, got me some dinner… Really should start cooking again… But it’s the work… When you get home you’re so damn tired… Dishes are done… Tomorrow there’s another day of work, so i’m gonna lay in bed in a sec… Trying to chill… I’m still a bit… on edge… or something… damn… I’m looking forward to the weekend… Is that a good sign? All those bills… grrrr… At least i’m working so there’ll be money coming in…

Get up in the mornin’

Slavin’ for bread sir…

I’m thirsty… Water, bed, sleep, dreams… Strength…

Tuesday 23 July 2002 22:28

NP: G. Love and Special Sauce – Baby’s got Sauce

I headed for work this morning around 8:40, trying to get the hang of all these new things I have to do… I worked until 15:30. I headed home, where I read my mail, made some phonecalls… Eventually passed out for a bit on the couch… Boy… Getting up early sucks ass :O

Cooked dinner, took care of some shit for M. Had a nice phoneconversation with S, thinking about replying to E, but i’m not sure what to say. Talked to Guaka this afternoon. He’s doing a gig this friday. Pretty cool. I’m looking forward to seeing him in August.

Tomorrow I have to work again. It’s work from nine, but i’ll be ready by 12:30, probably. I’m gonna do a few dishes now, prolly done in ten minutes, then a few quick exercises and off to bed again. Perhaps a quick read, sliding smoothly into dreams…

Tight skin

Monster’s eyes

Surprise lies within

Surface invites sin

Come to me

Speak to me

Teach me what you will

I’m insane still

Tuesday 23 July 2002 0:42

NP: Star Trek: The Next Generation – Evolution

Talked to my bosses today. I’m getting a contract, doing some IT-work for them. I will start in about 8 hours. There’s next to no payraise, but it’s good work (I hope) and I’m quite sure I can find something else if need be.

Tomorrow I’ll be trained by my colleagues, hopefully I will learn fast. I’ll probably be ready late in the afternoon. I have to make some calls concerning AE tomorrow. Everything is still hunky-dory, but there’s something crawling under my skin.

Been working on a test-translation, so i’ll be able to have me another part-time job. Now it’s time for a few exercises, a shower maybe and off to bed.

Monday 22 July 2002 2:14

NP: SunElectric – Northern Lights #5

One more then…? I’m not sure yet, but I’ll just roll with the punches and see where I end up… Now let me recall the past few days… Let’s get this memory of mine sorted out…

Let’s see… Thursday SmAids arrived with his doggy… Good to see him again… We had a drink and wandered off to the beach, to get some partyin’ groove on. It was a promising sight, with two different areas. Unfortunately almost immediately some dumb cunt came up to us and started blabbering about how to treat dogs. Fuck off bitch. Two minutes later the cops arrived… We hid in the bushes ’till they were gone and stayed on the beach for a bit. Nothing spectacular. We strolled home and slept like angels.

COme friday i’d decided not to postpone the trip home and go south with SmAids. Upon arrival there was some chat, dinner and installing virii-killing-sophtz. I went to bed, reading Hesse’s Demian, which was very intense. I’m becoming desperately addicted to the man’s writing.

Saturday was spent fixing the swimming pool. Fortunately this time ’round we did everything the way we should and it’s still standing. In the evening I decided to go back to N-town, to join J and M in a nite of debauchery, but I got stuck a few kilometers from N-town. No trains were available, no busses either. I called up J and M to come and get me… It was a quarter to nine when the whole thing started; by eleven I was still standing in the pouring rain, so I decided to take one of the busses (that had eventually shown up) and head on home. My phone was drenched and refused to be of service, so neither was it possible to call J and M to stop them from searching the railwaystation in that particular town, nor was i able to order a food-delivery (I hadn’t eaten much that day and I was ravenous).

Eventually J and M showed up at my place, I had something to eat and we were ready for our relaxing evening. We watched some southpark, talked about lots of things… By the time the light was seeping back into the night, we decided to take a walk in the park; I was equipped with a cam, capturing every stupid remark and foolish drunken stagger. Great fun =)

When we got back to my place, J got really sick… He had a hellish time for many hours before eventually passing out. Today I cleaned the place, did the dishes, laundry, groceries, burning… I’m satisfied with all of it. Now for a quick shower, then just a bit of reading and a good night’s sleep. Oh yeah… I’m tired, tired but satisfied, barring the need for some openminded, beautiful female company (+