photo of Marcus

2004 – 2005

Thursday 21 July 2005 19:27    talkback

NP: Fischerspooner – Never Win

I needed that sleep… Weird fucking dreams… London again… man… that’s fucked up… Perhaps Tandtelefoon-guy is right?

Thursday 21 July 2005 10:30    talkback

NP: Fischerspooner – Never Win

Thank you Monchito and Loekas for your congratz! Sleep now…

I don‘t need to need you

Tell me what to do

Tell me what to say

Don‘t you wanna help me

Tell me what to do

Help me find a way

If I was not me

I would hate me too

Just like you do

I don‘t need to need you

Tell me what to do

Tell me what to say

It‘s all made worse by a simple scheme

You‘re slipping away from me

Can‘t decide sometimes if it‘s worth the point

The point is the struggle, insecurity

Hopefully, you make no mistake

If you learn from what you‘ve got to take

Good or bad, it‘s all gonna add up in the end but,

You can never win.

And it‘s the desperation to hold on to

Something that can‘t be held on to

So, Don‘t waste your time filling up my words

Don‘t tell me why, assume the worst.

Hopefully, you make no mistake

If you learn from what you‘ve got to take

Good or bad, it‘s all gonna add up in the end but,

You can never win.

Don‘t thank me,

Don‘t tell me how,

Don‘t break me down,

Don‘t help me make it,

I don‘t need to need you

Tell me what to do

Tell me what to say

Don‘t you wanna help me

Tell me what to do

Help me find a way

Thursday 21 July 2005 9:19    talkback

Well… What can I say? I’ve been on this planet for nearly 29 years, I’ve loved two women intensly… I’ve written 5 years worth of BS about my life on this website… I run a company… I make music… I’m a sad motherfucker, who’s lonely and fucked up… Who needs people who don’t need him… I’m a sorry excuse for a human being… But yeah… I’m still here…

It’s okay though… I don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep this log up… I don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep this life up… Perhaps things will change, but I so sincerely doubt it… It’s okay… Words are failing that’s okay…

Eh… I dreamt I ate meat, yesterday… That was scary… As you might know, I’m a vegetarian… I haven’t dreamt that specific dream in years… I splashed out last night… Spent next to €50,- on drinks… That’s okay… It was fun… Thanks, M, for the money! I just got home… She’s a pretty girl… The sun’s amazing this morning…

Now I need water, bad… And sleep… In a few hours I need to renew my ID-card… It’s ironic that that should be today… 5 years… That’s a goddamn long time to collect manure… Well… No turning back now… There were 691 unique visitors in July alone… What the fuck are you people doing here?

I dedicate this year and the one to follow to all the people I love… And there are so many… And I’m still so incredibly lost…

Wednesday 20 July 2005 21:35    talkback

Just a few more hours and this log will have been online for 5 consecutive years, updates from abroad, offline updates… I’m not sure whether 5 years are more special than 4 years, but it is quite a long time… It’s nearly 1/6th of my life… I don’t have any special words tonite… But I will have a drink to celebrate! Congratulations may be posted at talkback… 😉

Wednesday 20 July 2005 12:34    talkback

NP: Boards of Canada – Hi Scores

Had a wonderful dream of you, which turned bad right before I woke from the doorbell… Mailwoman… I still see afterimages in my vision… Such an enormous emotional response… I’m tired…

Wednesday 20 July 2005 6:00    talkback

Can’t believe I’m putting this stuff on here: Do you know me? Take a quiz!… I must be so bored… No wait, I stayed up all nite and now it’s morning… And I’m fucked in the head… Damn…

Couldn’t cope with the stuff out there tonite… It’s scary how many shades a memory can take… I see you, so close, in my mind… I miss you…

I’m glad it’s colder… I’m glad I’m so tired now… It keeps the sadness in a haze… One more day until the anniversary… 5 years… I wonder… Will I stop?… I wonder, when will I get to let go…?

Monday 18 July 2005 3:47    talkback

Felt really really sad for a while, tonite… It’s late, now… Didn’t do much of anything… Just hung about… The best thing to do is go to bed and hopefully fall asleep soon… The sadness is still there, like a bad hangover that’s had about 12 hours to simmer down, but still lingers… I feel stupid and naive… I feel sad and lost… And the worst thing is… It probably doesn’t even matter how I feel…

Sunday 17 July 2005 21:51    talkback

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Fix

First time in months that I had the urge to put some music on that had more than synths and beats… Some girls wander is fitting right now…

Worked on What if… last night… Mixed it, but I’m not happy about it… I think I’m gonna let it rest… Perhaps do some new work tonite… After that I went into town, to the festival to meet up with some friends. Saw U and her sister, very funny… A quick visit to the M-club, but we never made it in, because of the queue… Down to the club then….

I had a hard time getting relaxed and I never did… I felt quite bad, even though Zieg even showed up… It was a bit confrontational… Man, how much rejection can you take?

I ended up outside talking to a friend, feeling way too sorry for myself… Then the pretty one stopped on her way home and sat with us… It was nice, to sit in the cold morning air and just talk, although it’s hard for me to keep myself from feeling drawn to her… Eventually our friend left and I walked her home… It was really nice… We sat and talked a bit more… sigh… yeah, well…

I got up at 13:00 to play squash with Zieg, who was still hungover… I hadn’t had that much to drink, but I was tired… I did beat him though… After coming home, I took a shower and read some Maldoror, cuz it matches my emotions… I fell asleep, straight into the arms of strange, painful dreams…

I woke up around 19:00, ate a sandwhich and had some soup and now I’m trying to get the dishes done, the laundry, do some vacuuming… Trying not to think of you, although I hope you’re having fun… I hate that I mean that… Being angry would be easier… But I just can’t… Trying not to think of anyone else either, anything else…

Saturday 16 July 2005 21:16    talkback

Met up with M, E and L, had a drink and had dinner… Very nice, good conversation! Still a bit tired, but I’m up to heading out later on… Very good to see E… It’s been awhile… Feel strange… I wish I could be more than I am…

Saturday 16 July 2005 16:25    talkback

NP: Squadra Blanco – The Dream That Doesn’t Stop

Went to an acid party in NDRGRND with @mf, which was shit and grew into ok… Saw quite a few familiar faces… The morning had me, my rhythms are fucked up, so I wanted to sit it out… But eventually I did go to sleep, would be better, I thought…

Woke up around 3, had a conversation, now I’m in doubt as to what I’ll do… There’s a party I’m invited to, but I’m not sure it’d be the best thing to do… Also a friend from the UK is in town and it would be good to see her… I can’t get too fucked up today, though, tomorrow there’s squash… I might want to do some shopping first though, but I need to go easy on the money… eh… goddamn… It’s so hot again…

It looked as though the MC would get sold, but I haven’t heard anything, so I guess that fell through… ehm… Water now and decisions in a bit… I feel uneasy… So much has happened this past year… Does make me sad, still… I miss you… Shit… Yeah…

Saturday 16 July 2005 2:45    talkback

Found an old review I wrote… 6 fucking years ago… Read it here

Saturday 16 July 2005 0:29    talkback

In and out of sleep all day… Really weird dreams all day long, some really confrontational… Backaches… Some bad biznews… It wasn’t before eight p.m. that I had had somewhat sufficient sleep… Got up and just sat around for a bit… I was thinking about heading out for a bit, but i’m not sure yet…

Friday 15 July 2005 6:20    talkback

Had dinner with pH and Mike Fear… Then we drove to Amsterdam to check out the 2nd day of 5 days off, on the way we picked up W (the man behind Dirty Data, I had fun, the music was ok, but not great… Wrote a quick review… Photo’s here

Had a good talk with pH, saw an old acquaintance… Many familiar faces actually… The drive back was ok, though long… It’s cool now, with my door open… Gotta check my accounts in a sec, spend alot of money yesterday…. Bad… Bad…

The thing down south is happening and I’m thinking of you… I try not to… Not too much…

Hopefully I can sell the MC soon, looks like it might happen… Not too much to do today… That’s good… I feel tired but calm now… Yeah… Need a shower… I smell…

Thursday 14 July 2005 18:38    talkback

bleh bleh bleh bleh!!!! I hate this weather!!! >:( This room is too small, it’s too hot… I’m really starting to hate it here…. Unfortunately I can’t see myself moving out any time soon… There’s just not enough $$…

So I’ll be the BOB tonite, which is fine by me… I don’t feel like drinking anyway… Yeah something about stages of grief or something… Although I think it’s a bit weirder in my case… (not going into that right now, though… I’m trying to reach a mindset where I can have some fun later on tonite…)

Couldn’t sleep… Crashed around 8, but flies and heat kept waking me up… I’m ok now, but this can’t last much longer… It’s quite harrowing… I’m wondering what people think when I reach out to them… Why they don’t bother answering… I guess I’m still not such a fun guy to hang out with…

Only one more week and then this log has had 5 years of weblife… Who’d have thought (not me) that it would last this long…? It’s a sinister milestone of sorts… OK, Autechre, Amon Tobin, I think… and some other freaks… OK… OK… Words, computers, you know what I’m trying to say…

Thursday 14 July 2005 5:37    talkback

NP: CausaliDox – (2005-05-12b) SunFrost (Friday the 13th Mix -So Close-)

From now on it will be possible to talk back to me… I don’t like the comment function on a lot of logs, so I offer you a forum to talk back to me…. All that is needed is a quick registration and you can say anything you like on there! The talkback-link will be included in every post, so you don’t forget about that possibility… Eh… Yeah… Sleep now, Autechre tonite…

Thursday 14 July 2005 1:12

I fucking found it! 😀

Bad Trip to Edgewood

Tuesday 12 July 2005 22:10

Too fucking hot for me today… 😐

Good news on the workfront, another RFQ… Hopefully all these new things pan out… It’s getting busier, but all is managable… Still… Although this weather is definitely bad for my energylevels…

Couldn’t get to sleep last night… Had a horrible time, just lying there, twisting and churning in my head… So many fucked up thoughts, so much doubt and pain… Wow… I could feed ten therapists for 5 years…

Thought it best to wait for it to cool down a bit before heading out to the store… Unfortunately it never cooled down… So I took a shower, went to the store, and am in need of a shower again… The door is open, but that will surely get me a few nice mosquito-bites…

It now appears that London had a couple of suicidebombers in its’ belly… But I doubt whether they’d think they have succeeded, looking at this cynical, uncaring world… Perhaps it deserves the death and terror, but perhaps it’s just as well that people don’t care… Commercialism, scientism and democracy will not be snuffed out by arcane (equally?) oppressive religions… Look at the USA, for that matter… Well, what the fuck am I blabbering about? I wish I could live in Egan’s world

Tuesday 12 July 2005 0:45

NP: Skinny Puppy – Shore Lined Poison

Well, the fun didn’t come tonite… I couldn’t get anything done… Just too lame… I should be more active… I should at least go to bed, then, but going to bed early always seemed somewhat like suicide to me… Which of course is utter BS, but somehow not living the night is worse than being fucked up the rest of the day, becuz I didn’t sleep… Weirdo… I know…

Gotta keep my wits about me, as I do not want to get trapped in feelings I don’t want to have… Whatever those feelings might spring from… I want a textmessage, I want a blowjob, I want real love, I want money… And hell… I don’t know what I want… I’m not even really sure this is all real… Dreams then…

Monday 11 July 2005 21:04

Woke up quite early, got work done… There was money today! That was a good thing! 🙂

Played squash, won… But Zieg was fucked, so yeah… Got a goddamn ticket cuz the goddamn citycouncil fucked up my parkingpermit, which I hadn’t noticed… Grrr… It’s gonna take a lot of bullshit to get this sorted again…

Some positive feedback on the track, some negative, well-meant constructive criticism… I know I shouldn’t be so optimistic, but I still like it so much… I guess I’ll do some more work on it tonite…

Had a talk about lost love today… Trying to provide some consolation, but I myself haven’t dealt with everything yet… I’m still pining for her… I felt a bit hypocritical… Although I didn’t say anything much beyond give it time… Which I’m doing myself… Doesn’t work… I need more fun, more people, more women… Live more…

Monday 11 July 2005 3:09

NP: CausaliDox – 2005-07-10) What If…?(Really rough version plopmusick_19)

Yeah… So I’m really happy with my new track… It’s poppy, electroclashy… I dunno, I really like it… Although it’s not finished and I can see/hear there’s more work to do on it… It just sort of came to me…

It’s the one good thing… I keep smiling while listening to it… I wish I could let my hurt go… I wish I could accept that you’re not with me… Just feel calm and peaceful… I’m trying…

That second “safe in your arms” isn’t right yet… I botch it up on the “safe”… Sounds a bit out of key… hehe…

Cleaned up a bit, did laundry, dishes, tomorrow only some vacuuming and work… That’s ok… I can dig that… God, the money’s such a problem still… And it’s getting hotter again… I think I might be a pussy sometimes… Don’t know if that’s bad… It’s just an observation…

So soccer is over… Now there’s just squash, two times a week… I wish I could play three or four times a week though… Anybody looking for a squashpartner?

I gotta go to sleep… I still feel squishy from all the booze last night… My head isn’t quite clear… Emotions are calm though, right now… So hopefully no scary dreams tonite…

Saturday 9 July 2005 5:34

NP: CausaliDox – Touching Nothing

Year 5 of the log is nearly complete… What a strange year it’s been… Such misery, such love… The new music, the lies, the secrets… Again the misery… The empty shell… The stark contrast when I regained a sense of life, like light permeating my soul… You have awoken me… Touched my hope with your lifegiving light… And left me.

There will be consolation of sorts, this summer… I’m grateful for that… If only I could tear the opaque veils away from my eyes, swim my way to the surface of this murky lake… I feel there’s so much to do… But a tiredness has taken me over, something is pulling me down… Urging me to give up… Let go… Surrender… Give in… Abandon all hope….

There are circumstances that need alteration, but it’s not happening… Won’t be for some time… Or actually, any time in the foreseeable future. Ok, no expectations. I wonder what is going to change, now the second target has been hit over here in the old world… I’m sure there’s a change coming… I’m sure I should care, cuz I’m sure it’s gonna encroach upon our/my/the people’s freedom… But I just can’t care… Fuck… I sometimes am scared I will become a zombie… If I would, this would be the perfect soundtrack

I’m tired… I’m broke… I’m bored… I’m horny… I’m sad… I’m free… I’m guilty… I still fucking miss you… Fuck

Thursday 07 July 2005 12:23

London Calling

Busy Signal?

Sunday 03 July 2005 8:46

It’s been hard… It still is… There’s confusion, a sense of urgency… There’s sloth and crisis… So much pain… So much loss… I’ve been killed… Unable to collapse these clouds, smears of intent, possibility into situations that fire up my neurotransmitters, creating tidal waves of phenylethylamine, oxytocin, dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin. Somehow I I feel so incredibly inept, inadequately equipped for life… I view myself, my abilities, emotional and intellectual range and find myself lacking in so many ways… Although I do not know how to grow or change so that I will be better… Something beautiful…

Thursday 30 June 2005 23:01

Confusion from clarity, indolence from happiness… Emotionally detached, amputations, stumps… Give me a fucking storm, let lightning strike me…

Monday 20 June 2005 16:38

NP: Dopplereffekt – Wissenschaftlerinnen

I woke up quite early, after a fitful sleep… It was too hot to really get rested… I worked today… Had lunch with pH… Afterwards more work, now a bit of work still left to do and then there’s dishes…

It’s so hot today… This isn’t funny anymore… Weather report says it’ll be like this all week…

Tonite there’s squash… I bet i’ll get my ass kicked again… I’m so low on energy… With my hayfever, these temperatures, the worries and my emotional despair, I’m actually surprised at my ability to get out of bed at all…

I’m longing for… Hell… I don’t even know anymore… One of the strangest and hardest years of my life, this is…

Monday 20 June 2005 2:21

NP: Download – Seel Hole

Sleep didn’t come, Saturday… My god… The heat, so goddamn sticky… Saturdaynite, I did go out, had fun… Sunday, again the goddamn heat, I hate this… Now sleep, I hope, tomorrow early rising, cleaning, then work, then tomorrownite, squash… After that… I dunno… I feel despair, coming closer, like a giant pressurewave from a cometcrash half a world away… Oblivion… I need some time and frame of mind to write…

Saturday 18 June 2005 18:43

Strange sms messages:


U kno I was at marriams niece 1st bday party. I have just come. U kno if a thing belongs 2 u, no matter what pple do, wl stil remain urs. I cant f er a man, thats my principle I@@


Vir’s 2day in school was called baby chuck not prepi e


Anh yeu oi ! Nho anh vo cung.

I don’t understand…

Saturday 18 June 2005 2:23

I’m quite sure that in the years of my old age, I will wonder many a time how it came to pass that I spent so many nights of my younger years sitting alone nights in fluorescent striplight, inconsolably sad…

Tuesday saw me taking a walk with Zieg, then soccer. Wednesday I spent some time having cool drinks on a hot terrass with A, nice conversations… Thursday there was squash, work through it all, obviously… Late Thursdaynite a phone call, a quick visit to the club… Struck as always… Left again with the loosest of friends… Nice though, really…

Today a bit of work, lots of sleep, ends of rope financially, sitting, watching, lamenting, pining, shedding salty hormonized H2O… Contemplating this traurige sein…

It’s nearly two thirty in the morning again… I’ll try and get some sleep perhaps, clean this mess up tomorrow, perhaps do some useful things, seeing as there are no means to do anything else…

Monday 13 June 2005 23:15

NP: Tiefschwarz – Can’t take it

Goddamnit… they actually acquitted him… :-0

Oh well… Whatever, dinner now… Some wine perhaps?

Monday 13 June 2005 17:16

Got a lot of work done today, didn’t do much cleaning last nite, so I’ll get on that tonite… Gotta hurry though, there’s squash at 9… Woke late, cuz I couldn’t get to sleep… Today the sun’s out, but it’s still a bit chilly… Fine by me… Not the November feeling, but not summer either… Even though summer solstice is on its’ way fast…

I’m nervous, a bit raw on the inside… Hairtrigger emotions…

Monday 13 June 2005 1:46

Missed the train last nite, so I decided to have a drink at the club… It was very busy, full of volunteers of yesteryear… After two drinks, I caught my train. I was greeted by a friend and a pretty girl… I just missed OE’s set, but I did get to wish him a safe journey… Many acquaintances, good electro, Rude was very cool… Took some nice pix, had fun…

Ended up outside in the sun, which showed itself around 3 am, talking about what is going on in my life… It’s a bitch… I was glad it was a good night though… Should’ve been a bit more active today, but I slept quite long and I’m a bit lazy… I still have quite a bit to do before bed… Tomorrow there’s quite a bit of work… Fine by me… 

I really am thinking alot about you… Can’t help myself… It makes me sad… My feelings are so strong…

There are dishes, laundry, vacuuming, cleaning… But perhaps most of it will be for tomorow… I’ll see… It’s cold and dreary… Rain… It’s gonna get warmer, but June feels like November… It’s really strange… I miss you…

Saturday 11 June 2005 19:32

NP: Adult. – Nausea (Mega-Blend)

Got my sunglasses… Drove around the city for a bit… I’m so tired… I think I’ll go sleep a bit before heading out tonite… Haven’t heard anything from anyone… Okay… No problem… I wonder what dreams will hit me in a bit… Perhaps there’ll be no dreams, just black abyss… Fine by me as well… Something about other women, impossibilities, comparing… Goddamnit… My laundry… Fuck

Saturday 11 June 2005 18:04

NP: Adult. – Kick in the Shin

Guess we finally found our fan from Austria… Amazing that there are still people who listen to our music (IndusTree)… Actually there are quite a few visitors each month… Totally amazing…

I’m a bit tired and down… All over the place… Read a bit of Hesse this morning… As always it hit me over the head like a sledgehammer… I know I probably shouldn’t, but I’ve been reading our conversations… So intense, so good… It’s so surreal not being able to talk to you… It’s really really hard… I wonder how you are… I dreamt about you tonite… For the first time ever… The moment you turned around and put your arms around me, I woke…

Tonite is the thing… Which is good, I’m really looking forward to that… I’m really really going to try to let go… It’s going to be my mini-holiday…

Saturday 11 June 2005 6:39

The bullshit that comes out of my mouth… I want it to stop… I don’t want to lie… I just want to tell everybody how much I love you… But perhaps it’s already over… Perhaps you don’t feel anything anymore… For all this time that you did feel so much for me… God I fucking miss you so much… Where the fuck are you? Why the fuck aren’t you with me…? Why the fuck can’t I win for once? I could cut my throat or splatter my brains across a wall and it wouldn’t make a goddamn difference… Fuck fuck fuck fuck… Resolve this, save me, love me… Make this all go away…

Saturday 11 June 2005 5:52

I want you I miss you I want you I miss you I want you I miss you I want you I miss you I want you I miss you I want you I miss you I want you I miss you I want you I miss you I want you I miss you I want you I miss you I want you I miss you I want you I miss you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you Fuck Everything… Fuck Everybody I want you

Friday 10 June 2005 15:11

NP: Legowelt – Total Pussy Control

Tonite VLF plays 013 and I’m thinking about going… But I don’t want to go alone… Can’t think of anyone I’d like to come with… Well I can, but most of them won’t be interested and for others I lack the contactinfo… I dunno… It’s not that big a deal, but I really liked VLF last time I saw them…

I seem to be thinking alot about what happened to me this past half year… How it affected me, what I feel… And it makes me wonder, ask questions… Not just about me either… I also wonder about the future… Whom I’ll become (in part) due to this…

Woke up with hayfever again… Haven’t eaten anything yet… Guess I will have a brötchen in a sec… Need to do some shopping again… Money… Damn… I need more good things and fun in my life…

Friday 10 June 2005 1:05

My day started late, couldn’t get to sleep last nite… Woke up fucked up from hayfever… Work… Got someone for the room yesterday, played squash… Thinking about goin’ out for a drink tonite… But I am tired… We’ll see… Right now, ‘m watching Boogie Nights… Goddamn my life sucks…

Wednesday 8 June 2005 0:30

I’m not sure I have the energy to go out there tonite… I feel so beaten… Made another track… It sucks… Who cares? I never expected anything good to come out of my hands… The same with the room… Three people passed up on it… Is it me… Or is it you? Tonite I don’t care… I need a band-aid on the inside… I should try and get some sleep now… I don’t know anything anymore… Wish there was something… Someone…

Tuesday 7 June 2005 21:12

I’ve been missing you so fucking bad today…

white linen on your back

black secrets on your mind

a past you tried hide

and a life you left behind

the pastel days and neon nights

guilty hearts and alibis

the streets run red on ocean drive

but can our love survive

I’ve seen too many of the wrong men die

for stealin’ their dreams and buyin’ time

in your eyes i saw the risin’ sun

still I sold myself for a badge and a gun

I’ve seen too many of the wrong men die

for stealin’ their dreams and buyin’ time

in your eyes i saw the risin’ sun

still I sold my soul for a badge and a gun

I’ve seen too many of the wrong men die

for stealin’ their dreams and buyin’ time

I never thought I’d spent these nights alone

and now I walk the streets tryin’ to find my way back home

it’s just me and you tonite

Had the meeting, bought the new racquet, played soccer and now… A bite to eat… I wanna go out tonite… Get a little bit lost in the night…

Tuesday 7 June 2005 9:11

NP: Orgue Electronique – In Aller Welt

Missed a call by D last nite. He was actually one of the people I mention below… I was asleep by the time he called, so there’s nothing but a sonore voicemail… I had a strange dream, about holiday destinations infected by some unseen evil, lurking just below the swimming pool water, buried in the sand, just below the beach where people are playing…

G was nice enough to donate some relief aid, so I’ll be able to buy a new racquet and even have a drink. I have to be really conscious about every fucking euro I spend these days… Shitty, but alas…

I’m gonna take a shower, see if I can eat anything, get my shit together, fuel up the car and head on out to my meeting. Still a bit tired, but thankdog I slept tonite (I slept!!!)… This looks like one of those hayfever days… One of my speakers is being weird… It’s in the cable, I’m sure, but I don’t have time to check it right now… Annoying though… I feel a little bit more balanced than yesterday… That’s good, I guess…

Monday 6 June 2005 22:25

Got much done today… Housecleaning, work, squash… I killed my racquet… 🙁

Seems that no-one wants the room… Or this one might… I’m beyond caring at the moment… I ate, watched a movie… I’m so tired now… I’ve showered three times today… Gritted and grinded my teeth so much I can feel my jaws still clenching… I really do need sleep… Nearly lost it on the way back in the car…

Tomorrow I have a meeting in W, I also expect work to be a bit eventful as well… In the evening soccer and maybe G-willing, a drink at the club, just to get out for a bit…

I want to call some people I haven’t spoken to in a long time, but I’m afraid I’ve got nothing to tell… Nothing to say, except for how shitty I’m doing… And I don’t want to do that… I’m still grieving over… I wish something good would happen. I wish I could smile and relax… How I wish I could relax and be happy… You made me so happy… Yeah… You did… Now… I don’t know… I guess skipping a night’s sleep isn’t the best thing for emotional stability…

Monday 6 June 2005 8:32

NP: Lacquer – Behind (Cosmo Vitelli Mix)

Yeah… Well… So I couldn’t get back to sleep… Big surprise… Got up at 5, showered, laundry, dishes, vacuuming, fixed a clogged pipe… Now there’r a few more dishes to do, then another quick shower (been working hard and somehow I get irritated & sweaty doing housework), then some breakfast… Work all day, then N’s friend is dropping by to see the room…

Went on an emotional rollercoaster, those hours awake in bed… Couldn’t stop my mind racing through so many thoughts, memories, fears, frustrations… By the end of it I was out of it… Really fucked up… Glad to be awake and really glad that there’s light out there…

Monday 6 June 2005 2:14

NP: Arecibo – NGC 5427 Anomalous Intermittent Radio Source 

Couldn’t get to sleep last nite… It took forever, so I gave myself an SP overkill… Didn’t help much either… Woke late today, went to sleep again… Woke 2 hours ago… Had a bite to eat, watched some shows and a documentary… Going to sleep again now… Still sick and tired… Everything I wanted to get done today, didn’t happen… It will tomorrowmorning… Can’t believe how fast time flies by, even though it sometimes feels like an eternity… There’s a lot that has to change, improve… Also the way I feel… Wish I could talk to you… I don’t think I could just talk to you…

Sunday 5 June 2005 1:12

Zieg was here last nite… We did some jammin’, which was stupid but fun… Ended up at the M-club last nite, which was ok… Later a bit of outdoors-hangin’… Strange happenings… Not thát special though… Guess it was too cold to be scantily dressed… I felt incredibly fucked when I woke up… Huge headache… Coughing…

Been thinking about you today… ): I feel so weird… Other fleeting contacts… There is no safe zone…

I think I’ll go to sleep in a bit… I’m sick still… Tired…

Friday 3 June 2005 15:18

NP: Download – Two Worlds Collide

I didn’t drink that much last nite, but I feel lousy. I’ve been coughing on top of my headcold… I think I really did catch something nasty. Couldn’t sleep either… When I did I had this weird ass dream…

Work’s slow today, really nothing going on, everything will be played out next week. I have squash in a bit, but I’m gonna forfeit the game upfront, because if I were to really contest the Zieg today, I’d probably barf halfway through.

I realised today how fast time is flying past… It’s scary, actually… I need some fun in my life, I need to feel good for a change… Is that really wanting too much? Yeah…

Friday 3 June 2005 0:29

Still a bit sick. I feel like November in my head… My nose is raw, my lips are chapped… My place was a mess, trying to create some order… Got stiffed with the room, so I’m trying to find someone else. This might work. Played squash tonite, which went better than I expected. Watching Fight Club now… Love this movie… Loved the book… 

Tired for a week now… Avoiding any feelings. I miss you… Keep wondering if you ever think of me…

My life here is very uneventful…. Money is low, work isn’t going as smooth as I hoped… I really want to go out tonite, have a drink… But I shouldn’t, I know… Still some dishes to do, perhaps a quick vacuumsession… I dunno… How I wish for a change…

Wednesday 1 June 2005 21:20

Tuesday 31 May 2005 15:13

Got a response from Egan. Cool. I’m sick. I have strange dreams, nightmares… Time’s draggin on… Without hearing from you… I feel ill…

Saturday 28 May 2005 1:02

NP: Legowelt VS.Orgue Electronique – Derrick in Nord Korea

I wonder… A lot is going through my mind tonite… A lot that I don’t understand, don’t know… I’m thinking about you… And it does me no good… To know what I know… Picturing you in my mind… It’s not just you and losing you… I feel like I’m spinning out of control… I’ll go off to that party now… Let’s see if I can find it… Better to input and overload… But no booze tonite… I can’t deal with intoxication when I feel this completely alienated from everyone and everything… Lost…

Friday 27 May 2005 7:01

I’m done with life. This is bullshit

Thursday 26 May 2005 12:20

NP: Funkstörung – Sputnik Radio Session

My week hasn’t been so great. Money’s running out (as if it could run out any further)… Prospects are gloomy, I can’t seem to beat that motherfucker at squash and you are in my mind too much… 🙁 

The only good thing going on this week is me reading Egan’s Diaspora… Sleep won’t take me most of the time… It’s getting warmer, supposed to be 30 degrees tomorrow… No hayfever to speak of yet… Won’t be long though, probably.

I have to do some dishes, a little vacuuming… Go get the new parking license, shop for food and play squash. Work’s done for today. Tonite S is coming over for dinner. Haven’t seen her in quite a bit. Hope I’m in a better mood by then. It’s so hard not to think of you. I get confronted with you so much. I see you in my mind. I miss you. I feel amputated.

Monday 23 May 2005 2:50

NP: Lustmord – Blood Deep In Dread

Saw RVC earlier this week (photos@grafix)… Big thunderstorm fridaynite… That was nice… M visited Saturday, last nite minimal techno, wodka, dancing… Grinding genitalia and admonishments about smiling… More dancing with my ears plugged… Letting go of alot of emotions… Got my tattoo burnt… And nothing much in return… Changed perspectives, perhaps, if… Goddamn phonecalls… Zieg came over… It’s late… I’m tired… It’s hard to accept you want this… Can’t let go… I really miss you… Hope you are ok…

Thursday 19 May 2005 0:58

NP: Fischerspooner – The 15th

Can you say emotional/nervous wreck…? Created a new photogallery, either click the link to your left (grafix) to get it in a new window, or get it boxed in by clicking this link (

Got the new phone earlier this week, a Nokia 6230i. My first Nokia. OK computer. 1.3 MP cam is nice. clicketyclick… Reasons for added photogalleries… Oh… Yeah, you can register and add photo’s to the gallery too… Yes, that means you, oh anonymous reader. Upload some of your fondest memories to your own gallery… Or not. I don’t care…

I like this track very much… I need sleep… I can’t stop thinking about you, even though I tell myself… Even though I try… I just can’t…

Thursday 12 May 2005 15:24

NP: Adult. – Hand to Phone (Original)

I’m so tired… It must be the state of my mind… Squash in a few… I don’t think I’ll win this match. Was up last nite, fighting demons…

They’re monsters… I see monsters, they cover up the sky… Murder in their eyes… Bullets bouncing off their armour…

Let me sleep… For fourhundred years… Please…

Wednesday 11 May 2005 22:29

How is it possible for me to get even deeper into this quagmire? I keep on fucking up and up and up…

Wednesday 11 May 2005 5:37

NP: Boards of Canada – Rue The Whirl

I’m so stupid… To think you’d still care… How could I not expect you to pick up your life with him, as if nothing happened? As if those months of doubt and emotional turmoil never happened… I should get over you, move on, that’s what you said, that’s what you were going to try… Well, seems like you are succeeding nicely… I’m not. At all. I fucking hurt. I want the pain to stop.

Tuesday 10 May 2005 5:06

NP: Ladytron – The Way That I Found You

2 nites @ M’s for a birthdayparty. Good company, yet a bit confronting sometimes… Got asked about how I feel about you now… That was difficult for me.

It’s getting to be light out again. This week better shape up fast. There’s got to be some improvement in the worksituation soon… Money is running out fast. And I’m still not feeling like myself…

Gotta go to sleep… Images run amok in my mind… I can’t shake it… Love for you remains… There’s no escape…

Sunday 8 May 2005 20:54

NP: Fischerspooner – The 15th (Radio Edit)

Saw Legowelt / Orgue Electronique, 8 bit Rockers last nite. Nice music. The home situation has improved, my mental/emotional state hasn’t. Suddenly outside feels like winter again, inside feels like a black hole. I have these surges of emotion, like black tsunamis rushing towards the coastline of my mind… I miss you. This is supposed to be better… Yeah, perhaps… Nothing feels better, it feels worse. I miss you. I feel so empty.

Wednesday 04 May 2005 5:29

I’m such a fuckup… I wish I could negate my existence

Wednesday 27 April 2005 23:01

sadness dust crumbles closeness looking for ways out new toys and criticism leave me dry want to spend more time with someone who can make me smile smiles die in the gut everything kaput fear of pain everywhere I feel fear of feeling crying these days for pain fear frustration change changes from somewhere no ideas no suggestions no actions don’t know at a loss…

Saturday 23 April 2005 17:59

NP: Adult. – New Object (Edit)

Replaced everything that was stolen… Sold the guitar to pay for it all… Not nearly enough, though…

Last nite’s bbq was ok… Good food, nice people. Later that night I had to extinguish a fire that looked like it was purposely built to set fire to some trees, bikes and a house… Me and M woke the people inside the house, ran to their kitchen and started throwing water on the fire… After some work it was out… Freaky though…

Seeing M&D tonite and later on DopplerEffekt, Legowelt and Orgue Electronique… Unfortunately I’ve made a wrong move and now my back is killing me… So perhaps I’ll stay for the live bits and head on home after that… Perhaps grab a drink somewhere in town… We’ll see… I’m out there… On my own… It’s strange. And things are weird as they are already… Navigating these circumstances is proving quite difficult. Reading your words is too… I hope you’re ok. I hope you sometimes think of me… yeah…

Thursday 21 April 2005 17:30

I’m tired… Saw Autechre last nite… Good goddamn music… Nice. I had to be at a client really early today, so I had only a few hours sleep… I’m tired now… I have to go play squash in about 3 hours… Thinking about taking a nap first though… I’m thirsty… It’s been warm today… I feel a bit weak… ‘ve been missing you… Wish I could see ahead. Look into my future… Believe that I am able to influence my life and not just have it happen to me… I know it’s not as one-sided as that, but I’m too tired to really think about it and go into it now… Just don’t want to break down right now…

Wednesday 20 April 2005 2:03

I just read some of your words… You telling me that you’re in love with me… That you love me being in love with you… It’s been a while… I still miss you so much… You’re in my thoughts everyday… I love you so much… Things aren’t good at all… The bad stuff is piling up and it’s getting to me… I’m done, it’s been enough… I want it to end. But it won’t…

Monday 18 April 2005 1:39

I’ve got that swamp-feeling… Dark, green, rotting… I feel like life is just something that’s festering inside of me… And I have no control over it… It just happens around me, to me and there’s not much I can do to stop, alter, or even participate in it… I’ll be old and grey and still I’ll feel like I don’t know what life is really about, or how to be alive… It was a very ill-advised gift… I’m sure there’d be someone much more suited for this life of mine… At times I feel like I don’t exist… If only sleep and eternal oblivion would merge for once…

Sunday 17 April 2005 13:45

NP: CausaliDox – (2005-04-17) Over My Left Shoulder

I don’t know what’s gotten into me… Maybe it’s one of the best ways to clear my mind… I just keep on making music… Finished another new track today… I kinda like it, although I could see how people would find it monotonous, but I don’t care… It fits my mood…

Spent the remainder of the day hangin’ about yesterday and went to bed early in the evening, slept for about 12 hours… Tomorrow’s gonna be a long day… Fine… Whatever…

Saturday 16 April 2005 17:28

NP: CausaliDox – (2005-04-16b) Binocturnally Challenged (Blind and Bored mix)

Went to B&D last nite to check out the BrainCoincidance-party… Good music, hung out with A, pH and K2… Drove K2 home afterwards, talking about music… Got me thinking… So I started on a new track as soon as I came home. I’ve been working on it for 6 hours and 34 minutes straight. This is the first track since the IndusTree era, that features my voice. It’s a milestone of sorts, I guess…

Been awake now for so long… But that’s ok, I can take it… I’ll keep going today… I have to be up really early on Monday morning, so if I do this, stay awake, it’ll (hopefully) snap me back once more into the rhythm… I have to go chill a bit now… It’s been manic… I’m lost and losing myself… Apparently… WITH MY EYES CLOSED

Thursday 14 April 2005 2:00

endless coming back turning circles in the head turning stomachs in my bed the giving ground the final door that I long for the sleep mimics does not deliver that for which the heart does shiver in warmth glow in cold my body is burden my thoughts are gold and heavy chained to my emotions going through the motions day in night out the worst fears the simplest doubt I cannot let go eyes and mouth cannot let go cannot let go gone but not yet your taste on my lips open and close in rational resonance so tired of clearspeak so tired of senseseek muddied by clarity escape escape escape but years are shackles and ideas are prisons elaborate and haunting drivelling and daunting the days dreary dull drab and dark though globe does swivel light breaks in white explodes green emerges tearing away my grey overlay I’m so lost…

Wednesday 13 April 2005 19:47

sleepy and cold

tears streaming down my face

as the hunger inside

slowly subsides

and turns to pain

dark and moist

like forests 

in winter rain

lie down

and forget

let go of regret

and surrender 

to the hurt

Tuesday 12 April 2005 0:32


I nearly finished a new CausaliDox-track when my goddamn puter crashed… Didn’t have time to save, so the track is lost… Fuck this, I’m going to bed…

Monday 11 April 2005 14:10

I’m not getting anything done today… Finally finished digitizing this IndusTree gig, added an AE gig to the Archive, did a little bit of restyling on with a little help from F and updated a few links here and there… The “music” link in the menu now points to my new project CausaliDox. I’ll be updating and adding music there. Well… Music… 🙂

Everything that’s work, can wait till tomorrow, I’ll be up by 7am probably, so I’ll have a long day to do whatever needs to be done… Right now I’m hungry… So I’ll get something to eat… After that, there’s housecleaning to do, but I might skip that in favour of… Well, no I need to just a bit… We’ll see… There’s still a few hours in the day left… I’ll be so incredibly dead by 8 pm… It’s good though… I feel like I’m stoned or something… I’m not really here… Which, for right now, feels very very good…

Monday 11 April 2005 8:10

NP: IndusTree – Obdistandu (live @ Diogenes 05-07-2001)

It’s broad daylight already… Sun is up, so am I still… Am adding to the Internet Archive some footage from AE… Also digitizing an IndusTree gig from 4 years ago… It’ll be available online soon. I feel stupid… I look stupid:

There’s alot to do today… We’ll see… I’ll cope… G is flying around the globe today… Well well… I don’t know how to live… I don’t know what this is… What to do with it… But it goes on and on and on….

Monday 11 April 2005 6:21

Big update for the IndusTree site… Lots of “new” music… Different colors… I’ll keep updating over the coming days… Stayed up all nite, gonna try to pull an allniter, get my rhythm back… we’ll see… I’m still very much lost…

Thursday 7 April 2005 1:58


Wednesday 6 April 2005 17:55

NP: Tosca – La Vendeuse des Chaussures des Femmes part 1

Thought I felt like writing something… Guess I don’t after all… Nevermind…

Thursday 31 March 2005 23:24

NP: Blur – No Distance Left To Run

It’s over

You don’t need to tell me 

I hope you’re with someone who makes you 

feel safe in your sleep

Then tonight,

I won’t kill myself, trying to stay in your life 

I got no distance left to run 

When you see me 

Please turn your back and walk away 

I don’t want to see you 

Coz i know the dreams that you keep is where we meet

When you’re coming down, think of me here 

I got no distance left to run 

It’s over, I knew it would end this way 

I hope you’re with someone who makes you feel

That this life is alive

And it settles down, stays around 

Spends more time with you 

I got no distance left to run

Coming home

Thursday 31 March 2005 2:38

NP: Skinny Puppy – Amnesia

I feel like the world is gonna end tomorrow… I don’t believe in miracles anymore… I don’t dare believe… Tomorrow around this time… I might feel the worst I’ve felt in a long long time… I really really wanted you to love me enough… 

:’- (

Wednesday 30 March 2005 5:57

NP: Fischerspooner – The 15th

It’s so strange… I feel more out of touch with reality than in all of my years of doing drugs… I feel so detached, so lost… I listen to sleazy emotionless electro/electroclash and ambient… I look out my window… I want to be in a different state of mind… I drive around at nite, head into the woods with my laptop, writing long letters to myself/you… I keep on thinking about you… I keep on crying about you… This is one of the strangest periods in my life…

Wednesday 23 March 2005 21:38

We’ve been talking so much… Tonite was really hard… I wish I was a religious man… I’d get down on my knees and pray… But I’m not. You know how happy you make me… To know these things you feel for me… I’m at my wits’ end… You know I love you…

Monday 21 March 2005 4:13

NP: Bamboo Rainsticks – Bamboo Rainsticks

Talked to D tonite. Strange how historical perspective can grab your throat and squeeze real hard…

I feel like shit. I’m depressed, coughing, sleepless, I hate the other situation and I miss you so incredibly much… Please change your mind…

Sunday 20 March 2005 14:55

Music now can be found under the music link in the menu, or by clicking right here. There’s some new stuff there.

Not a happy camper… Miss you so much… Talking to you made me so happy… I want to see you…

VLF was cool, that was a good nite. Yesterday EHV, which was… scary is the word, I guess…

I’m not happy with the new situation. It’s all a bit too much, right now.

Thursday 17 March 2005 1:25

V-log: 17-03-05 01_37_19.avi

M-E-A-N-D-3 -> Manic Empty Anxious Neurotic Depressed (version 3)

Tuesday 15 March 2005 22:07

4 times sport this week… Hmm yeah… Why not? Work’s on the up and up… that’s good… S was here last nite… Very comforting to talk to her, get perspective… Brought the hurt into sharp contrast too, though…

My dreams are dragging me from the past to the present, yet all the time surreal… I’m gaining some insight… My life is still so fucked… I miss you so much, I hurt so fucking much…

I have to go move my car, there was no space to park in my license area, so I parked in my street… Been trying to get soccer paid up… I dunno… I’ve been told my whole life that I think too much, but now I finally agree… I can’t distinguish between feelings and thoughts… ouch

Sunday 13 March 2005 18:47

NP: Richie Hawtin – Concept 01.96.A

I’m so lost…

Sunday 13 March 2005 14:02

NP: Skinny Puppy – Nature’s Revenge

impulsive retro pushing the envelope of experience contradictory nighttime mayhem strange intimacies held back memory swelling going under being gone capture a stream rose sinking abrasive lastly confusion mostly pain somnatic shock plucked from past pictures confirm now here everything at once…

Saturday 12 March 2005 14:53

V-log: 12-03-05 14_51_52.avi


Thursday 10 March 2005 5:29

NP: Lustmord vs. Metal Beast – Phleisch

How is it possible that even though I feel this bad, I talk to you on the phone for ten, fifteen minutes and I’m glowing with love for you? How is it possible that I can sense your feelings for me through a telephone? Why are we doing this? I miss you so much…

Tuesday 8 March 2005 16:57

NP: Nathan Fake – Underberg

V-log: 08-03-05 16_49_40.avi


Monday 7 March 2005 15:38

V-log: 07-03-05 15_32_40.avi

Friday 4 March 2005 5:07

For a substantial part of the nite I’ve been thinking about buying a gun… I could probably get one too… I know a lot of people… Nothing says “prepared” like a loaded gun… There might be a night in the not too far off future that calls for the use of a fire-arm… Disclaimer: fuck you

blablabla… blablabla… blablabla… Negative enough for ya yet…? I don’t know why I don’t trash this whole site… This log, all my materials, my videotapes, my audiostuff, all the useless failing words… Just throw it on a nice flaming pile and sit beside it, ’till it’s burned up, then put the business end of a gun in my mouth and be brave for once… That’s a recurring thought… Has been for a couple of years now… Hope that doesn’t offend anyone… And if it does… Well…

Wednesday 2 March 2005 1:27

Monday 28 February 2005 18:03

It’s hard to talk about anything else besides the fucked up feelings I’ve been having these days… It’s been consuming me, and it still does and will for a while I guess… 

I did get my feet back under my company though, which is good, cuz it was slipping there for a second. We’re up and running again now, getting new accounts, wrapping up old ones, pushing the envelope regarding our dried out wallets, but hey… We did well last year and if all goes well when talking to the banks next month, I might be out of this hellhole someday soon…. I’ve enjoyed living here, but it’s too small… That is, if you use it as an office and a livingspace…

Nathan Fake was pretty cool Saturdaynite, Milanese not so much… It was fun to see so many people I know in one place… I feel almost guilty for saying this, which is weird, but still, I feel bad that I had fun… I feel bad for me, mostly, cuz I feel so miserable when I’m here by myself… I miss you so much… It hurts so bad, not having you with me… While I know you want to be with me…

My friend who’s working for freely available information in Mali seems to be enjoying himself… And hey, buddy, I don’t go out and get drunk that much anymore, kay 😉 There’s something really appealing to the freedom he’s experiencing… I’m not sure it’d be for me, though… Still I wonder, sometimes… It’s good to know, in any case, that even in Mali, you can maintain a blog… By the way, Avi sends his regards!

I’ll go fix some dinner now, I guess, settle into my evening… Try and live with what I feel…

Sunday 27 February 2005 0:54

I got myself a ticket to see Fake and Milanese tonite… I need to get out, get my mind off of missing you so much… Now just change clothes and go… I wish you were here with me, you’d love this…

Wednesday 23 February 2005 22:35

Why won’t this disease leave me alone…? I still feel so unfuckingbelievably miserable… Maybe I’m judging this wrong, but it’s been what…? 5 days already… I’ve been doing some housestuff, as much and as fast as my wheezing allows me… Meanwhile all the time hoping to hear from you…

Tuesday 22 February 2005 18:55

Still so sick… Did work… Talking to you today made me feel so fragile… In a real way my life is in your hands…

Monday 21 February 2005 11:37


Hunter S. Thompson

Sunday 20 February 2005 16:46

If this is the flu, then I haven’t had the flu in a long long time… This is excruciating… Pain everywhere, can’t sit upright or keep my eyes open… I see your eyes when I close mine… That’s how I get to sleep…

Saturday 19 February 2005 21:00

So sick… drove 5 hours up and down north… Last nite I got sick, today I got totally fucked…

Do you miss me? Do you think of me? I can’t tell you how much I love you… How much I miss you…

Saturday 19 February 2005 3:27

I worked at the club Thursdaynight… Voluntarily, didn’t want to drink, just get my mind off things… It didn’t work. I think I’m getting sick… I feel a strange cough, headache…

You look so happy when you’re with me… I don’t understand… I miss you so much…

Thursday 17 February 2005 17:49

NP: Underworld – M.E.

V-log: 17-02-05 17_51_17.avi

What I know is killing me… What I feel is killing me… What I want is killing me… How do you feel?

Wednesday 16 February 2005 22:30

NP: Max 404 – Lost

V-log: 16-02-05 22_22_06.avi

I haven’t heard from you in two days… I want to hear from you… I didn’t think it’d be possible, but I love and miss you even more now… It hurts so bad…

Tuesday 15 February 2005 23:11

NP: Stijn – Ziek

V-log: 15-02-05 23_05_21.avi

Woke Work Wrote

Went With Walked

Browsed Bought Brought

Sorted Stopped Soccer

Clean Cooked Crammed

Watched Worried Wasted

I only cried a few times today…

Monday 14 February 2005 0:13

First attempt in years at sounds… Nothing special. I’m scared.

Sunday 13 February 2005 17:11

NP: To Rococo Rot – Telema

V-log: 13-02-05.avi

Started the videolog today. It’s an experiment. Saw Stijn Thursday, somewhat fun I guess… Thinking of setting up studio… get to producing a bit… On the weekends… dunno… Tomorrow’s killing me… Laundry done now, hanging, more… food, shower… I do not know. I do now know…

Thursday 10 February 2005 3:06

Thinking of adding a videolog to this thing. We’ll see… No personal notes… Feel empty… Saw Brienen’s movies… My fingers are raw from the steel strings… Did get a new account today, so it’s picking up… slowly… Bed I guess, if I can sleep… Work tomorrow. OK computer

Tuesday 8 February 2005 16:34

Swimming against the tide away from the waterfall but the water is wild and white and swimming doesn’t help at all I see the world passing by the leaves the trees the rocks at the bottom of the waterfall I hear the echo of my voice the silence of my last call I’ve been swimming so much while I could’ve been floating stream carrying me off into a bay but all the while that I was struggling I was swimming from that, away now my tears they fall in river myself I’ve become its’ own why, I can’t remember now, have I myself in this river thrown?

Saturday 5 February 2005 17:07

Traded in my electric guitar, strap, bag, amp and phaser pedal, to buy me a new (used) accoustic guitar. I’ve been playing quite alot and my old guitar is too fucked up. It’s a black Ibanez Concord from around ’78.

Tuesday 1 February 2005 0:03

twenty fucking eight years old and I still don’t know how to live… I’m so scared I’ll lose my love and my friend… If there’s one of those nights that I’d like to call it quits… This is one of ’em… 🙁

Saturday 22 January 2005 8:06

I don’t know if you read this… But if you do… I want you to know how much I miss you… How much I need you… I want to see you, be with you… Please… please…

Wednesday 19 January 2005 19:39

NP: Radiohead – Nobody does It Better

I miss you… It hurts so incredibly much… I knew this would happen, especially after talking to you again… I miss every part of you… I want you to know how I feel, but you do… I know you do… I feel ill, sick… I am sick… But along with the hurt, the agony, this is really bad… If I just could see you, talk to you, hold you… I miss you so bad… :'(

Wednesday 19 January 2005 3:18

You called me today… Such a trip to hear your voice… I miss you so fucking much… I don’t know what it means or if it means anything… I do want it to mean something… All I can do, is sit here and wait… I want you so bad… I miss you so so fucking much…

Monday 17 January 2005 22:22

NP: To Rococo Rot – Geheimnis eines Mantels

I’m so fucking sick… I have either a huge cold or I’m getting the flu… Worked all day, then back to bed… I think this is my body letting out what I feel inside… 🙁

Saturday 15 January 2005 2:14

You shave your face, you shave your balls, you do your sports and you eat your fruits, still your heart is bleeding out of your chest and your mind is trapped inside the bad acid tunnel… I love you, you love me… I’m ready to let go now… not of you, but of me… This hurts… and it really, really fucking scares me…

Sunday 9 January 2005 21:31

It’s hard to hold on to sanity… This yearning, this longing… still unfulfilled, still missing you so incredibly… I’m not gonna let go… It’s hard to focus on other things… It hurts… Bad…

Tuesday 4 January 2005 13:40

NP: Squarepusher – Tundra

The dishes are still soaking, the laundry is drying in the machine, I’ve done the work… Talked to U for a bit, about how I feel… Which was painful, reliving it all again… Gotta do the dishes now, I guess, I’ve done what I wanted to do for today… It’s mainly thinking that needs to be done, anyway.

This day is going by so goddamn slow… There are things that I am no longer sure of… I’m tired, but I don’t want sleep…

Tuesday 4 January 2005 10:19

NP: Front 242 – Mutilate

I never used to wake up during the night, but now, I have that nearly every night… Also the dreams, they are so strange and vivid… I feel like I’m in a weird place in my life right now… Also, it feels like we’re still in the armpits of winter, I can’t wish for a faster arrival of spring…

I’m getting my hair cut this Thursday, finally… That was long overdue. I have this mullet, looking like something that shouldn’t have survived the eighties… Got up early as predicted today, fortunately not too early… Cuz i woke around 6 am the first time, but decided it’d be best to sleep until 9 am. I have to sportsgames today, so sleep isn’t a luxury.

Now about my planning… I’m gonna put the dishes into the water to soak, then there’s work, I’ll have late breakfast/lunch, do the dishes and work some more ’till it’s 15:30 and I can go test my new shoes and do some squash… It’s been a couple of weeks since we’ve been in there…

I’m still shaky emotionally and I suspect it’ll be like this for quite a while… I just wish I knew how she’s feeling…

Monday 3 January 2005 22:27

Yeah… So today… Got up quite fucking early, ’round 8 am… Still unstable, still miss her so very fucking much… Have weird dreams these nights… So, after waking up, I got some bread from the shop at the station and did some thinking about the biz… Got some ideas, wrote stuff down… Did some brushing up on some marketing knowledge… Talked to F for a bit…

I also did the st00pid thing and fixed it so we can play soccer again… But if they’re not paying on time, i’m gonna kick some ass, but seriously… We’ll see how it goes… In the afternoon I got some new shoes for squash as well as for soccer… It was quite expensive, but necessary and well… for two pairs, it was a good deal…

I fixed dinner and couldn’t get out from behind the telly and the screens… I am gonna go away from here soon though… I’ve been balancing the whole night… Trying to stay emotionally stable, but it’s really hard sometimes… Things keep popping back into my mind… I just don’t understand it all sometimes… I’m so sad, but I can’t really allow it…

Tomorrow there’s squash in the afternoon, then soccer at nite… During the day, which’ll start early, seeing as how i’m tired again already, i’ll be working, expanding upon ideas and plans i’ve developed today… Making some calls, writing e-mails, getting some more stuff on paper… I didn’t like my dinner today, I still have the taste in my mouth… I’m gonna brush teeth, me thinks, drink some water and have a bit of a read, ’till my eyes fall shut… Hope I just dream of weird stuff, not anything too emotionally taxing… This’ll take forever…

Sunday 2 January 2005 18:11

So here’s the new year… It’d be nice if this one’d be better than the previous one… It’s been quite a fucked up year for the world… And eventually for me too… I’ve had an experience that knocked me off my socks, like I haven’t been hit in 14 years… But the circumstances fucked me over so hard… I’m still trying to cope with that… Words really aren’t sufficient to describe what I’ve experienced, so…

Unfortunately everything just goes on… like new year’s eve… Hung out with M, walked her home, then down to the bar where Zieg and some other ppl i know where hanging out… Before 4am I decided to check out this party I had a ticket for, but it wasn’t that great… Saw H… Saw E which was nice, since she’s been living in the UK now… A was there, which was a bit awkward, but who cares… Saw B, had a nice conversation, but I was tired, so I went home…

Yesterday I got only 3 hrs of sleep, stayed up, fell asleep behind the television at 12:30 am. I woke up in the morning, quite early, stayed up a bit, reading some newssites, then went back to bed again… Still tired, though… I wanted to get out of the house for a bit, but i’m not sure where to go… Could go see a movie, but on my own… Dunno…

Hopefully there’ll be enough sports the coming week… I hope somehow that soccer’ll start again… Probably won’t though… I have to think about what we’ll do with the company… We need more work… It’s gonna have to be a very down to earth, emotionally calm, hard working year… I have a strange life, but man… I could use something good happening in my (personal) life…

Tuesday 28 December 2004 6:58

NP: SPK – In Flagrante Delicto

President Bush is requesting $379.9 billion in the fiscal 2004 budget for the Defense Department, including more than $24 billion focused on the DOD’s information technology-laden transformation systems and initiatives.

People across Asia are flocking to makeshift morgues seeking lost loved ones after tsunamis swept across the Indian Ocean from Thailand to Somalia, killing more than 22,000 people.

Congress has already allocated $150 billion for the war, another $50.0 billion more for each year the U.S. remains beyond 2004

Friday 17 December 2004 15:44

NP: Lustmord & Robert Rich – Stalker

Unfortunately too hung over to do the squashy thingy today… Not just me, zieg too… In a few hours I have to be on stage… Sleep first…

Friday 17 December 2004 7:40

NP: Lustmord – Heresy part VI

Why do drunks, druggies and fuck-ups always drag Jim into the mix whenever they try to defend their ceaseless bullshit? In an establishment like the 1960’s United States Morisson had no choice but to be non-conformist. Now, in this übertolerant, indifferent yet scared brave new shitty age, he’d be probably bored shitless and suing plenty of people to get his share… Nigga please, go shine your cowskin pants and play with your own squishy…

Man… I miss her… Don’t know what to do just yet… Don’t know where to begin… “Where?” is definitely starting to be a question of import… Where do i find someone like you? Where do i want to live?

Tonite i’ll be on stage… Doing some stuff… Wondering about just throwin’ out all the real poetry and just do profanity and rants… But that would be too reactionary and I wouldn’t want to do that… Be that…

I took the time to get the log onto paper… 4,5 years of it… Damn… About 450 sheets of paper… I’ll go get some sleep now… I’ve been up, i’ve been drinking… I’m sober, unfortunately… There’s squash around 16:00… Let’s see if I can make that… Been working a bit already, this morning… Yeah… Gotta keep it rolling… I miss you… Bad…

Tuesday 14 December 2004 3:35

something like drugs gone bad nerves shot madhat out of control rollercoaster emotionride take the dope no place to hide the truths coming out of the ears and eyes like pus and rain and lunatics through open doors in insane asylum from the feeling writhing from the reeling going left and right all at once up and down like voodoo trance blood vomit ebola dance black eyed dilated twice once in fear once in lust the once the twice the failed fornication-based trust thrust into and eat out ape monkey doodoo shit gimme a big knife to slit a memory a moment consciously forget savour forget remember forget nova heat at the end of november these are the things i live for these are things that crash and store themselves in rollercoasterwindings in insane asylum from emotion perpetually in motion with the greatest devotion to the holy fountain the sweet emanation of juices titillates the prowess eager hungry gatherer bottomfeeder alternately god and beetle rolling dung on the sands covering dreamempires ozymandiac emptiness unfolds godlike inside the torturedimension bad trip insane asylum from me whoever the fuck that momentarily happens to be

Sunday 12 December 2004 0:41

It has often been pointed out that while the experience of grieving is normal, while they are grieving, people often feel that things are very abnormal, with a confusion of feelings, sometimes feeling overwhelmed, having changes in concentration and focus, and having life disrupted in unfamiliar ways.

That’s the thing with love and crap like that! Is it really worth it to feel so great when the other person is around, when you feel like crap afterwards when she’s not there?

Start with the labia and the vaginal entrance. Move your tongue over her genital area, licking the entire vulva. Nuzzle, lick and suck her clitoris

Chemical Name: Dioxin (2,3,7,8-TCDD) CAS Number: 1746-01-6 U.S. EPA PC Code: 600000 CA DPR Chem Code: 4068 Molecular Weight: 321.9600

Indeed, we recently observed an association between acute social rhythm disruption and onset of bipolar episodes

Brent, P., 1999a. Labatt bets 8$M on a Cheap Bear Suit. Financial Post, February 22, 1999

Thursday 2 December 2004 16:13

But melancholy is a broad term, a common affliction with many causes, symptoms, and, possibly, cures.

People usually attempt suicide to block unbearable emotional pain, which is caused by a wide variety of problems. 

The fountains mingle with the river, And the rivers with the ocean; The winds of heaven mix forever, With a sweet emotion; Nothing in the world is single; All things by a law divine In one another’s being mingle;– Why not I with thine? See! the mountains kiss high heaven, And the waves clasp one another; No sister flower would be forgiven, If it disdained it’s brother; And the sunlight clasps the earth, And the moonbeams kiss the sea;– What are all these kissings worth, If thou kiss not me?

yeah, you better have been really fucking wasted else that’d be so not cool

A gap or interruption in space, time, or continuity; a break

He feeds upon her face by day and night and she with true kind eyes looks back on him/Fair as the moon and joyful as the light…

Once the lights went out, a polysomnographic technologist would be watching me on a video monitor from another room, keeping track of the data my electrodes were sending out throughout the night.

twisting and churning in retrospect

Welcome to Avalon

Tuesday 9 November 2004 2:06

So i’m throwing money in the parkingmeter, cuz tomorrow i have to extend my parkinglicence and it’s after 1 a.m…. So this cop parks near me, cuz you know there’s the policestation and everything, but I suddenly feel this vibe in the air… And sure enough here comes mr. stupid ass motherfucking no-brain cop and asks me what i’m doing… So I point to the parkingmeter and ask him 

“What does it look like i’m doing?”

“Are you looking for change?”

“No, think again, now what would I be doing?”

“Had a rough day sir? You’re not being very friendly”

“No shit, why the hell are you asking me what i’m doing?”

“I just wanted to point out that it’s free parking after 18:00”

“Yeah, well it ain’t tomorrow morning, now is it?”

So he looks at me, like he’s stupid and turns around to talk to some colleagues that have just exited the building. I put the stub in my car and look around… I still have some letters to put in the mailbox, but I’m gonna “have” to walk past them… So I make like i’m walking straight towards them, catch a glare and veer off at the last moment, post my letters and head back home… I fucking hate cops…

Today was a good day. At least considering the fact that it’s been pretty fucked up these last few days… I feel like i got some vindication. Which is good. Two more days and i’ll be off on a short holiday… I’m not sure whether i’ll enjoy myself, but right now, I don’t care… I feel like just packing up and going…

I wish M would msg me or call me… I miss her… I really feel happy just looking at her… Well… guess… yeah you know… whatever… I have to go to sleep… I’ve been feeling like i’m about to become ill for quite a while now, but it never takes… It’s always this half-half stuff… Like the disease needs a fluffer or something. Had a long typing match with N last nite… I try to recall her image, but it’s hard… She’s so beautiful, it’s so hard to get all the details… Another one with a boyfriend… :-s Damn man… It’s hard…. Talked to S today… Hope to see her sometime next week… That would be great… U phoned… I need some sleep… It’s gettin’ dark early… (dûh, what with that clock thing…) I think I should mention it real quick, just to make sure I have it written somewhere… I wanna be part of Bull and Scones!! Maybe I should ask E… She’s at Oxford now, perhaps there are some secret societies…. It’s cool that we can talk on Skype… I always liked her very much… There are some troubles with the server at the moment, but we’re fixin’ to fix that 😉 I need to go to bed, perhaps read a little… It’s getting late… Tomorrow there’s the car’s ownership papers, the report, the licence, the soccer match, the party, *butterflies fluttering* hopefully M at the party, then a nights’ sleep and the last day before my vacation… A little squash like today… My arm hurts less than Friday, but I won on Friday… hmmmm

Sunday 7 November 2004 17:11

NP: Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – Straight to You

I woke up about half an hour ago… I tend to be so fucking tired these days… I guess that has to do with autumn hurrying towards winter. Seasons seem to have disappeared somewhat. I don’t find that to be a problem, but it’s weird.

It’s been a fucked up shitty week… Theo got fucked up bad, they re-elected Bush and we’ve been sucked into some legal mess, over 1,5K :-S

I dunno, I have this feeling of nausea when I think of what’s happening… Personally I have not made my mind up yet, not yet taken position on this whole mess. On the personal and business side of things, I do have a clear position. I don’t like a fight, but I will not go out of my way to avoid one, if thoroughly provoked.

I’ll be performing onstage the 17th of December, but just now, when i was thinking about what i want to do, I have no clear idea of what would be satisfying to me… I don’t just want it to be about the beauty of words, not just about the deception through words… I’m not sure yet…

I really enjoyed being out in the woods the other nite… It really calms my nerves to be among trees in the dark, I feel at home, however strange that may sound… Except for with one particular woman, i have never felt like that…

That’s another one of those subjects, I probably shouldn’t mess with… I feel alot of affection for this girl, but I’m afraid it’s all in vain… I keep thinking that maybe, if things miraculously did work out, I might recapture a bit of that “home”-feeling… I’m not counting on it. I am still hoping for it, though…

I have got a shitload of laundry to do, there are dishes stacked to the ceiling, I need to vacuum, eventually do some dinner and find a way to get back to bed in time, so that tomorrow, I’m ready for bear, cuz if the shit hits the fan, it’ll probably feel like a bear dumping its’ load on me…

Yesterday was a really bad day… For the remainder of today, I’ll try and free my mind of enough of this to just get the job done…

Wednesday 3 November 2004 20:39

Triumph of Ignorance

Saturday 2 October 2004 7:35

Actually didn’t feel like writing today, but yeah… I had these weird dreams about W, but i guess that has something to do with Oltmans’ death… Who knows… I sometimes feel that i am or have been involved in much greater dealings than I now can imagine… Paranoid delusions of grandure, no doubt…

Thursdaynite I saw the monkey speak… Some of the things that struck me:


ideology of hate

spread liberty

ideology of hatred

a group of folk who have such hatred in their heart that they’ll strike everywhere

stay on the offence

200.000 by the end of next year (trained iraquis)

I know an artificial deadline won’t work

we’ll get you home as soon as the mission is done

we’ll give you all the equipment you need


I know how these people think

Japan has gonna have a summit

There’s gonna be an Arab summit

Actually he forgot Poland

You cannot lead the world

Because we achieved such a rapid victory, there were more Saddam loyalists

train iraqui soldiers so they can do the hard work

our alliance is strong

hard work


hard work




it’s hard work loving her (????)

spread liberty, spread freedom

Every life is precious, that’s what distinguishes us from the enemy

changing positions

to lead its’ country forward (on alawi)

they’re fighting freedom

Libia was a threat

the enemy attacked us (talking about 9/11 and iraq)

He was hoping to turn a blind eye (on Saddam)

unaccountable judges (on the Hague)

a foreign court where our people could be prosecuted, trying to be popular in the global sense

I just know how this world works

Why doesn’t mainstream media do some meta-analysing and declare this lunatic a danger to everyone in the world?

Also did alot of work Thursday, but not enough… There’s still things to do… That’ll happen this weekend prolly…

Today was a mess, I stayed up too long, so i was a wreck when i woke up today, didn’t get much done… Had a long depressing talk with J… Really got me thinking about my shitty personal life… I stayed in tonite and watched some tv, then eventually I decided to go out… which was better than expected, but then i stayed too long and ended up feeling fucking depressed while/after talking to M…

Saw D and P tonite, but I guess that’s just not possible anymore… No skin off my nose… Fuck it… Didn’t drink too much… Just enough to get a buzz going… I don’t feel like sleeping… But I’m too wasted to do anything else really… Don’t want to think about me… Did some stuff for the biz… Maybe there’s something on tv… I dunno… I don’t want to feel sad or alone right now… I just want to be… no emotions, just me… here…

Thursday 30 September 2004 1:31

NP: Jay-Z – My 1st Song 

Wouldn’t believe it, but i actually loved a movie with Jim Carrey in it… Spotless Mind was good… Had a weird day, didn’t sleep enough, my ride down south got moved two hours, so I was awake and worked… Talked to M for a bit on the phone… It’s weird… The ride was nice… The day went by pretty fucking fast i guess… Got picked up again… The drive back up was a bit slower, really busy roads… Got home and went out to get dinner… Didn’t even feel like warming up leftovers… Hung around, talked shop for a bit, looked at pretty nice comfy lovely beds… then watched this movie… Now i’m fucked, i’ll at least sleep. Tomorrow there’s work. And another day… And a weekend… Life on Mars, faster than the speed of light, worldpeace… Get my drift…?

Wednesday 29 September 2004 1:10

Couldn’t get out of bed this morning… guess that’s nothing new I really fucked myself during the weekend… the booze had me in bed for the longest time… also had an encounter yesterday that was sort of annoying… I hate it when chicks ask me if i ever had feelings for ’em… Well, ehm… no, just wanted to fuck you, ya know… and no, not interested in being the nice guy… I’ve work to do and it isn’t doin’ it for me hon’ sorry…

Fußball is starting to be a drag… Nobody’s payin’, alot of ppl aren’t showing up… Very fucking annoying… We lost the ball today to a beaut of a zieg action… oh well… I can’t beat the little fuck at squash, it seems, at least these last few times… I’ll kick his ass yet…

Tomorrow should be fun, S is picking me up to go down south, where i have to do some stuff for g, but that shouldn’t be too much of a problem… Work’s good, wish i could have a little less sleep depravity going on… I don’t understand, I just can’t catch up… I sold the mountainbike, finally… Although I meant to spent some money on new sportsshoes, i already saw it dissipate for groceries and Carmina Burana tickets… I had to go and be culturally correct… Goddamn…

I got the hiccups right now… Which sucks, but in a minute or so, i’ll be in bed and if i still have them then, i’ll be even more fucked… Where’s that mirror? I need to scare myself…

I tried to ignore J but she purposely caught my eye and waved… Now i haven’t seen her anymore… I still respond when i see her… Out of my control… Got a little fresh with L, which in hindsight wasn’t such a good idea, but whoever gave you the impression that i’m a nice guy? I wish I could spent more time with M, but yeah, i’d like to be a millionaire and be handsome too…

D called, drunk as a skunk… Bragging about the bitches, but I think someday soon, that’ll get him into trouble… Still, I feel a little jealous, cuz goddamn, I could certainly use a good lay… Lottery tickets, NEO-objects… ehm… yeah i hear ya… Think i’ll just go do the horizontal thing and read a bit, hopefully my body’ll do the rest…

Tuesday 28 September 2004 1:32

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.

He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem.

The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.”


Friday 3 September 2004 3:13

Death never gave meaning to life: it was always the other way round. All of its gravitas, all of its significance, was stolen from the things it ended. But the value of life always lay entirely in itself — not in its loss, not in its fragility.

He felt himself moving across the darkness. No tunnels of light; no light at all. Sedative dreams, not near-death hallucinations. Death was hours or days away; by then he’d surely be comatose again. One small mercy. He waited. No revelations, no insights, no lightning bolts of blinding faith. Just blackness and uncertainty and fear.

Wednesday 1 September 2004 21:38

NP: Skinny Puppy – Dig It 

The weekend was somewhat horrifying… Only highpoint was seeing M a few times, which is always nice… Friday and Saturday are hardly worth mentioning except to say that on Friday I finally managed to get some stuff from office centre, only to discover upon my return that some of it was superfluous. Oh well, better to have some extra supplies in stock. Sunday I got a bit buzzy ánd did some reading, amazing actually.

I was supposed to have lunch with S on Monday, but due to my imbibing a bit too much of the “little water” I cancelled that… The rest of my week i’ve been trying to stay awake… but it’s been tough.

I’m spiralling towards my 28th birthday, something that wouldn’t mean that much to me, if it weren’t for the blatantly obvious signs of decay. I decided against having people over, or doing anything at all for that matter. I just don’t feel right. It’s like she said… You make the right decisions in life, you try to be healthy, in general it’s all ok, but then… I still don’t feel whole, still not satisfied… Goddamn emptiness keeps creeping back in… And I try to numb myself by reading popular science stuff, Bryson’s book, Sagan’s pale blue dot… I don’t know, guess i’m trying to occupy my mind, so i’ll perhaps be distracted from my emotions… I go from depressed and empty to angry and frantic, all in an hours’ time… I’m not a fun guy to hang with these days…

Forlorn lists true contempt destruct dripping red is it time to come clean wash away everything hold the frame still life focus ones intent to not be noticed lost in lies graceful charms losing touch with everyone management terms and conditions waiting for own in addition contract is raised the worlds greatest mortuary self destruct mechanism introvert overturn assasination make from steel the ugly weapon killers instinct from man to trigger peaceful time direct potential living through ones own dimentia come on hold arms dissect division caress duress invite delusion back moving through the keyhole trust in keeping a value judgement overthrown like a somnambulist twisting and churning in retrospect management inedible benign applicants crime to everlasting eternal peace

chemical imbalance… laundry, dishes, vacuuming, sorting, etc… poetic selfdelusion… My hand hurts… My soul hurts… My jaws hurt from clenching my teeth…

Thursday 26 August 2004 2:38

Took a meeting A’dam today. I finally found a solution of sorts for my crowded-train-space problem… I travelled first class, which really was much more relaxing than sitting in one of those between spaces.

Was surprised to find a bookstore that actually carried a few of Egan’s books. Pretty cool. Also the view from the Kalvertower was pretty impressive. Guess I’m starting to feel a bit more at home in the whole country… My meeting went well, I feel that there are many opportunities to grow and expand. Exciting, in a way, I must admit…

It’s a mess here, I need to clean, do the dishes, tidy everything up, but it’ll have to wait ’till the morrow. I’m going to get some shut-eye first, I’m expecting some heavy calls in the morning. Nothing that can be done there… Also tomorrow i’m hooking up with S for lunch, should be fun. I hope it rains so it won’t be so crowded… All in all, it was a good day, I guess… But man, I still have a hard time understanding and dealing with women… I should go find me a course in that, or something. Nope… Not gonna think about that either… Just sleep now…

Tuesday 24 August 2004 23:50

Monday there was work, squash and a meeting… I had a lot of pain in my right arm, probably from squashing too fucking hard and being on the computer too long. My day ended in the morning, so I had a hard time getting up today. Oh well, there wasn’t all that much to do today. We did do soccer today, but there were just 6 people, so with the wrong teams formed, we stunk like fuck… It was harrowing.

Hung in front of the telly a bit, had dinner and msg’d a bit… I need to do some dishes… Hold on… Suzy has her birthday right now, so i have to msg… Kay… Happy Bday babe!

Tomorrow I’m in A-town, for a biz meeting, then back home for some more work prolly… There’s an invasion of young people right now, cuz university is starting again… Yeah they’re young, but goddamn there are some cute girlz out there… I’m not interested in hanging out at any club right now, but perhaps i’ll go out later this week….

Monday 23 August 2004 2:01

So you get it, you think, then your perspective changes and suddenly you don’t get it… Then you realize that maybe it doesn’t matter at all… There was a party Saturday last week, which was fun, cuz SmAids was here and he and I went all out… Even Guaka & I were there, which was a bit unexpected but cool… I guess we’ve put shit past us… I had fun, but I also got really really fucking drunk, which I hadn’t noticed until it was too late… My Sunday was spent spinning and being sick… On Mondaymorning around 5 a.m. I had a very long conversation with Ishi, who Skyped me… We touched on many subjects, before finally around 11 a.m. I hung up, got a shower and started work. There was a bit of trouble, but we managed to smooth everything over… I took a nap in the afternoon and got up to more trouble… I smoothed things over again, before the day was out. Tuesday I had a weird nite, with pictures, wine, computers and long massages…

There was squash on Wednesday… Wednesdaynite was spent fixing and fitting a machine out with win98, which was kinda hellish… Looking for old drivers, working with bad hardware… I had an interesting meeting on Thursday… Might be an interesting thing, we’ll see. Had dinner with my business associate and took a meeting with S later on. I decided to help him out, took a bit of a risk, but hell, why not…

On Friday D&S arrived with H&J to play a bit of squash. Of course I got my ass kicked by S, cuz she’s just so damn good 😉 In the evening D&S, Zieg and me hung around, listening to music, drinking… Me and S drank two bottles of my new collection. Both lovely wines… Good shit! After Zieg left and many South Park epz later, D turned in and I stayed up talking to S until about 11 a.m., I took in a ep of something or other after that and hit the sack as well… Completely out of it…

Although I guess, it wasn’t that interesting for her, cuz she fell asleep ;), it was certainly a memorable morning for me. I’ve delved deep inside myself, dragging up stuff, exposing it to morning glare to get it all clear. I could let my lips form words, i’ve been holding back and hidden from myself… She was really sweet and despite my joke two lines ago, she was really interested, which continues to amaze me. I hope some of it will do its’ work inside me…

Saturday afternoon around 17:30 I woke up to find D&S wide awake and buzzing on the balcony from a drink they had in town, earlier that afternoon. We did breakfast and headed out to the store before steering the car towards E-town. Josh was already there, so was Guaka & I and M. Later on P arrived, which was pretty cool, cuz I guess the main reason he did drive up from Belgium was to cut my hair:

We had fun listening to music and watching some weird stuff. They were hitting the Absinth and things were merry. Had fun talking to Guaka… I hope there’ll be an opportunity for us to work together some time again in the future… Around 2 a.m. I said goodbye and left for N-town, G&I were gonna head back to Paris; SmAids, D&S and J(? not sure), were gonna head down south the next day.

I was very tired on the drive up north, but i made it home ok and decided to have a look at the club. It was lame, weak and empty, but I stayed for a few drinks anyway. I didn’t have a whole hell of alot else to do. Woke up today, still tired, took a shower, hung around, fell asleep, got up, read a bit, just a slow slow day… Now I’m tired, I guess… I got a msg tonite… What if you just want to make someone happy? Just make sure that even if she feels melancholic or down, that she still perceives it as a good thing? It’s not as egotistical as might be expected… Although I do think that I would feel really really good if i could be that person and get some hugs and kisses out of it… I didn’t get a reply…

Wednesday 11 August 2004 18:35

So there were a few problems with my DNS entries, but it all seems to be A-OK again. Wednesday I worked, at night there was a brief get together with U, then… I dunno, sleep I guess? Thursday was different. Ended way too abruptly. Headaches drove me to the club for a drink, had a nice talk with M, which balanced me a bit… Friday I was mostly tired, still not all too able to process the events of the night before. I don’t recall what I did in the evening… Wait, I do. I went to the club, hung out, had drinks, talked to M… It all lasted about an hour…. Saturdaynight, U came over for a bit and we sat and drank… She didn’t stay long. Later there was a party at the beach, but it was too goddamn clubby, there was a videowall, a dj… i dunno, I just kept thinking: “when are they gonna charge admission?”. So I got a ride back with pH and ended up -eventually- at the club… Not a great night, but I let go on taillights fade and creep which made me feel nice, but also made me feel like a dinosaur… Oh well… I got some e-mail Saturday, which made me smile, I tried to send one back with a smile… Don’t know if I succeeded…

Sunday came, me on a train, dinner, wine, talks, a bit of reading… It was soooo goddamn hot… I had my worst night yet, this summer… Had an appointment, so I had to get up, got back, said bye to M and headed down to G, to stow away the wine… I got stung by a wasp later that day (second time in my life)…

Eventually, after lots of talk ’bout the future, I headed home with a new pair of ski’s and a nice st. Emilion… Talked to SmAids on the phone for a bit…

Today there was work, squash, it’s still too goddamn hot, but it’s rained a bit yesterday and this morning, so it’s a little cooler… We bought some rackets, which stood up to the test, also some sweatbands, which is a bit of a joke 😉

So now what….? I really need a shower, cuz i’m smelly! I will require some nourishment, but I have some leftover from yesterday and will add some foodstuffs to that. I’m hoping to get a msg from a friend about seeing shooting stars tonite, but if i don’t i’ll probably go out by myself and try to enjoy it anyway… I feel weird… Still… Dunno, these things… For sure, I have no binary answer, there is no right or wrong, good or bad… There’s perspectives, points of view, things to be weighed… There’s a lot of future…

Wednesday 4 August 2004 4:09

Right now, i’m not a happy camper… For the second time in about a month, I have to deal with things i’m sure that if given a choice, I would choose not to deal with. There are certain things I just can’t deal with. Certain people. I think maybe I should deal with it, but this is not an easy thing to do. So the next 48 hours are going to be somewhat of a slow journey through hell -the heat providing a fitting backdrop-, certainly until after my decision. I guess you could say i’m overreacting. I guess I could say i’m not… I guess we have no way of knowing who’s right about that…

Okay, it’s still too warm for my taste… There’s a mosquito in here, as if the heat by itself wasn’t enough to prevent me from getting any sleep tonite. There of course is work to be done tomorrow, but it’ll have to wait ’till the late afternoon. These are not acceptable workingconditions.

Played squash today with the guys, had a little tiff with one of em…. Ah I dunno, guess i’m edgy…? Guess he’s edgy…? Must be the weather. Mikey stayed for dinner, which was nice. Then the call, which was a bit less… nice… Then the talks. My god.

I need a shower and I need sleep. There’s no way in hell i’m going to keep a cool exterior if i do this on Thursday. I hate the idea that it’s a breeze to her. Maybe it isn’t. I dunno. I definitely don’t know shit at the moment. Just a call, an e-mail, a letter, whatever… No… It has to be this way. I can’t go… I have to go… I sure as shit need sleep. This eats up my energy.

Monday 2 August 2004 23:30

NP: The Cure – All I have to do is kill her… 

I did end up on the beach that Saturdaymorning… I stayed until 12 in the afternoon… Weird shit… ‘specially that little philosophy major. On Sunday me and Zieg did the dinnerthing, which was cool. We managed to get everything done and hot just in time and simultaneously… That just sounded like sex… hmmm Ok, so we cooked a 4 course meal for 5 people. Unfortunately I took ill, that very evening.

The following week, I had a lot of things to do, so there was work… Although I was sick, I managed to do quite a lot. Wednesdaynite I had a reunion of sorts, which was strange. Ended up quite a ways from home, did get home though, did work and went to sleep. The next day I woke from too little sleep, had to jump a bus to get to squash, got beaten at it, got back home to recuperate and already there was Mikey… Soon afterward Zieg and Q dropped in and we had drinks on the balcony… That was nice, I was feeling a little better after some food. I had fun being the BDJFH 🙂

The four of us decided that it’d be a great night to be outside, so we went to the beach, where we played some drums, talked more… very relaxing… Although I still was a bit way too wired. When we got home Zieg and Q left, so Mikey and me took to the balcony again and talked. Eventually we got to sleep and were woken up not too much later. He left and I got to work.

Friday, who the fuck knows what happened Friday… I probably got to bed quite early cuz on Saturday, I had to pick up the wine. Which I did, I went to Vtown, met M, picked up M and off we were. I think there was a bit of a mixup with prices, but I’m still figuring that one out. Some kickass vino’s were bought though… Most of em will see not much light the coming years, but that’s ok 😉

Saturday I also picked up another Egan book. Then after dinner, I went to D&S’s party. The annual thing. I’d brought them a gift, Madrugada’s Industrial Silence… Such a great band… I drank some wine, talked to some people… I have to say that especially near the end it was a rather strange experience for me… I didn’t mind leaving. So I did, together with M, I headed to the club, which looked like a Tel-Aviv nightclub: abandoned… I left there too fucking drunk to walk.

Sunday I woke too early, forced myself back to sleep. When I woke the second time, I started work. That somehow got stretched into the evening. Showered, went to bed, read… Got up at ten today, did some work, had some discussion, played squash -I got so completely crushed today…. 🙁 – after that I did dinner and actually fell asleep not long after. I got a message on my phone, I answered, but there’s no reaction… hmmmkay… I’m awake now. shit.

Tomorrow Mikey, Q, Zieg and me will go squashing together… Just to see how we do it. That ought to be fun. First there is a bit of work, but nothing dramatic. Right now, i’m just concerned with what to do with myself. I’m sure I can’t sleep now. Maybe I should get outside… But… Where do I go? hmmm…. damn… This is starting to be such a sleepy town…

Friday 23 July 2004 22:34

Yesterday I went out to the festivities, hung out, saw quite alot of people… Which was nice… I was by myself, but somehow I had a good time… Ended up at the club. Somehow the drinks weren’t doing it for me, so i didn’t drink that much, I did get home pretty late, or early, depending on your perspective…

Today did some work, hung about a bit… it’s too goddamn hot… It’s nasty… I think I’ll go watch the pink dots in a minute, then who knows, a visit to the beach maybe…? I’m gonna bring my Maroccan drum, I feel like banging the boogy…

So this is the fifth year. Wow… I’ve been keeping this log for 4 years now, that’s about half of the time that i’ve lived in N-town… I guess that’s a long time. Perhaps someday, I should print it all out and ship it off to a publisher, let them have a laugh, pass it off as fiction… But then again, it might be way too boring for people to read… Who gives a flying fuck anyway, right 😉

I don’t feel so well, physically… Today has been a bit of a lame day, bit crampy, my eye is irritated, my head ached a bit… Coughing and shit… hmmm Might be coming down with something, perhaps…