photo of Marcus

2003 – 2004

Wednesday 21 July 2004 23:32

NP: Samuel Barber – Adagio for Strings, op. 11 

Tuesday me, Zieg, Josh and SmAids headed out to Amsterdam. We left in the afternoon, had drinks at this bar, drinking Mojito’s, vodka’s, beers, you name it, we drank it… It was sunny out, really nice… Later on we had dinner at some yup-foodbar, where i had a great veggy-pot with white rice… Definitely the shit…

Then of course off to Paradiso to see the …. and Skinny Puppy… Damn some experience that was… I was blown away… Two hours worth of these fantastic people. After the show I got to meet Jolene, which was a blast! Unfortunately I could not stay to go to the afterparty, cuz there was a train to catch. We’d try and meet up for the Belgium thing though…

Wednesday came, in the evening I went down south, got really cranky and desperate… Spent some time smsing with S, just to feel connected… On Thursday I did my meeting which went well… Afterwards I got to M’town, where we did the shopping thing and got ready to leave for Dour.

So I drove us down to Dour, which took the better part of 3 hours, then another two hours looking for a spot to put our tents down… We ended up in piss city. Whoa the stench… Anyway, in the evening I was pretty tired, but I trodded around the grounds, just looking and trying to shoo away my growing unease…

Late that nite I walked S to her tent and we spent a few hours talking, which was really nice… Although, my god… I got issues… When D and J arrived, they were both pretty tanked. J was unsteady so I stayed awake for a bit just to make sure he’d be ok… I eventually did get.. what? two hours worth of sleep…

I woke up to the sound of my phone, which is not all that unfamiliar. There was supposed to be a car up north that was worth checking out… After three more calls confirming that it was really worth while travelling all Friday and allowing for the feeling of despair of being stuck at a festival to settle in deep, I decided to go back.

Unfortunately that was a little less easy than i’d imagined. Zieg had given me an itinerary by phone, but this was Belgium… I ended up being en route for about 9 hours, the last stretch of which I even got a cab to avoid waiting for 45 minutes…

I arrived and went to bed pretty early, got up on time on Saturday and went to check out the car. It was horrible. I’m not going to say anything else about it… The other one wasn’t much better, so I decided to look further… There was another car that was really nice, but a bit too expensive for right now. It was a tough decision to drop the issue though…

I got back to the festival on Sunday, in time to clear away the tent and my backpack before heading out to see Skinny Puppy. We had a place right up front which was really nice, cuz I could really get a good look at everything. I think I got recognised maybe twice, but I can’t be sure. There were some guys there that got really violent in the moshpit, which made me wonder a bit about how much insight these people had in SP’s music and philosophy… Oh well, I was ok so i couldn’t give a rats’ ass…

About two hours later we drove back. By the way, I never did get to meet Jolene again, she’d been out of money and unable to make it to the Dour gig…. Arriving in the Netherlands, I opted to go to Vtown instead of staying with D&S…. In the morning I caught a train back and spent the rest of the day hanging out. Yesterday there was work and I got my ass kicked in the last set by Zieg during squash. I think he’s ready to do this twice a week…. 😉 I didn’t get to sleep ’till 10 am but I worked alot before that time, then got up at 3pm and worked some more… Tomorrow there’s the dentist… Yikes…

Of course this is a special day. It is the fourth anniversary of this log. Today 4 years ago, I started all of this nonsense… Amazing how little has happened in those years and how much has changed…. The day has only 5 more minutes in it… I guess i’m starting to see this as a birthday of sorts… Quitting hasn’t been in my mind for quite some time now, so I guess next year around this time I will be “celebrating” the fifth anniversary. Not everything’s the same now… It is definitely different and just looking at the volume of entries for this year, as opposed to previous years, that will become abundantly apparent. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing, but it sure is something to be aware of, give it a thought or two… I’m happy to be still doing this. Though the tone is different, it will still serve me as a sort of running commentary on my life. Which is still the strangest life i’ve ever known… 🙂 23:59

Tuesday 13 July 2004 4:23

NP: Download – Suni E

Tomorrow’s the big day! I’m going to see Skinny Puppy in Amsterdam… Yay! I’m so fucking ready for that… I’m hoping they’ll blow me away, but from what i’ve seen in Germany 4 years ago, i’m pretty fucking confident 🙂

Hoping to meet J there, would be pretty cool… We’ll see… I’m meeting El Rosso in U-town tomorrow afternoon and we’ll head up to A’dam early to get some drinks down… At first I was planning to meet J, but she sort of backed out… I guess I can understand… You never know, right?

S was here tonite, which was nice… Saturdaynite I found myself grooving the dancefloor, quite empty… Although she was there and I finally after a long nite worked up the nerve to go and ask her to hook up sometime… I’m not sure what her response was, but there was a “yes” in there somewhere, I think… I hope… Later on there was some brawl and of course st00pid me had to jump inbetween… It all ended peacefully, or something close to that… Bah! I hate violence…

I hate Sundays… Didn’t sleep all that well but had a squash game with Zieg, so I had to get my shit together… I love squash nearly as much as i do indoor soccer. Been reading a book, a short history of nearly everything, by this guy named Bryson… It’s a bit tacky actually as he seems to be more interested in the quirky personalities of science’ great men, than actually going anywhere interesting regarding their ideas… But, oh well, I was tired of literature and hard SF for a bit… And seeing as how I can’t get laid, I’ll just switch genre and keep reading… There’s little else I can do… Blèh this summer is sucking… But since I decided not to care… Who cares…?

Sunday 11 July 2004 0:49

NP: Don Henley – New York Minute

k… some old shittyness coming back at me… Luckily it passed quickly… It’s this inactivity… The week’s been strange, of course… There were good moments, bad moments, I fucked up my sleeppattern again… Goddamn, I was so goddamn sick at the end of the week, felt like my bowels got pulled through a wrangler…

Now yesterday I was up way too long, cuz I hadn’t slept, saw U for a bit… had drinks, dinner… crashed too early… But it was for the best I guess… Today I just watched stupid shit… Got Smaids a ticket for SP Tuesday…

This week saw some finalizing of big things and big payments, which is ok… Paid my dues in turn… Been thinking about the procurement of a vehicle, a secondhand beamer, i’d dig…

Had some bouts of depression kicking my nuts today, but I think that’s just to do with my irregular sleep… Tomorrow there’s a day of not much at all… I could read, but i’ve been reading shitloads… The summer isn’t materializing… I wanna get laid, wanna get out, but neither seems to be happening… 

So I guess I’ll just wash myself, put on some clothes and make a half-hearted attempt at getting drunk tonite…? I dunno… I’m not sayin’ it was better when I smoked dope alot, but I sure as hell wasn’t there so much to witness the unbearable crappiness of being…

Saturday 03 July 2004 5:14

NP: The Doors – The Severed Garden

I’m still searching for what i lost so many years ago

I’m looking for it in faces

some familiar, some seen in the strangest of places

Tonite you let me feel what I miss

Your drunken cuddle, your acrid kiss

Your eyes shining and bright

The way you dance in discolight

I must be aging, waging a war still on the child within

So obviously in control

Out of control

With nowhere to go

I’d like to be more sophisticated

I’d like you to see me for who I am

But my fear and longing and loneliness get the better of me

And here alone I am

Saturday starts grey

Like I remember Saturdays to be

It’s a windy fresh summerday

Overcast, freeing

I wonder if you know

I know you suspect

And I still don’t know what to expect

I had this dream where you were in a bar

I was there, with others

You saw me, just for a second

I saw you, but I was too late

Now that seemed to unfold before my eyes


Without direction this pale Saturdaymorning

Just overflowing as has been happening so many times

I lay me down on this altar of life 

and offer my soul to the stars

It’s been a week… I squashed with S, got my suit, had words at work, read a really shitty novel, fucked up my sleep pattern, cried way too much, didn’t eat well, got really confused, had fucked up dreams, really enjoyed the wind, really wished she were with me, hoped i didn’t make the wrong impression, had a nice surprise, got angry too often, had a lot of selfloathing and selfhatred, got incredibly horny, watched good and bad movies, talked to some people, took a cabride, borrowed money for wine, had people have one on me, longed for your caress, felt physically fucked, played soccer, and probably alot more… But who cares… right?

Sunday 27 June 2004 6:21

NP: New Order – Temptation

Well, that’s shitty… got a dispute with a friend… in my opinion his perspective is skewed, but i really don’t feel like going into this… Had a meeting in Capitol city, which went well, so I guess that’s okay… I hope everything’s okay over in DB… I’ll hear about that soon enough I guess…

Yesterday, I turned in rather early, but then around 2 am, I got an SMS, asking me to come out… I did, eventually, ended rather strange, a little explicit, but not enough to my liking… Oh well, today I slept, then after some chores I went out, but it wasn’t that exciting… I did end up talking to a cute girl for the better part of the night… I wouldn’t object to seeing her some more…

Got a call from D tonite… to swallow or not to swallow… hehe Oh yeah… So i’m not sure where i’m headed, but i’ve had times that i cared more than i do now… this is weird…

Tomorrow, today… I dunno, i’ll chill… Monday there’s the trip south, a bit of sports with S, which is cool… Pick up my suit… See M… Sure… I can do that, even if it means seeing my accountant… 😉

It’s early mornin’ now… I feel alone, but okay… I could stand someone around me though… We’ll see… Oh boy… what a strange life this is…

Thursday 24 June 2004 3:16

NP: The Cure – A Few Hours After This

Prime Maximus


Grrrr… this isn’t working… I was trying to display the current largest prime number, but this st00pid applet can’t wrap itself around a textfile of 7+ MB’s… I’m sure there are other ways, but i’m tired and it’s late and I need sleep… So whatever

My new laptop pack arrived today, now i’m totally wireless again 🙂

Jay dropped by to talk theatre, but when we went to rehearsals nearly no-one showed… fucky… I gotta get shuteye… now…

Tuesday 22 June 2004 0:39

Saturdaynite saw me at the club… Which was fun. Got rubbed the right way here and there 😉 Music was ok, booze was a-plenty… Ended up with M and A at home, early morning. Tried to get to sleep, but I had a hell of time getting there… Sunday I spent sleeping, got up, did breakfast, then H dropped by, which was nice… Afterwards I tried to get to sleep, but again, it was a hell of job… So this morning, I was royally fucked. Worked all day, spent my evening glotzing… Now I’m so fucking tired…

It seems the situation has resolved itself, which means that she withdrew her question, leaving me to wonder what it was all about in the first place… Too bad, actually… I was ready to do this, i think… Oh well, it sure as hell will make my month a whole lot more tranquil…

I need to clear up some mess, then brush the teeth and go to sleep… So fucking tired…

Saturday 19 June 2004 6:37

So I eventually did go out… Scraped my face, showered, put on a new shirt… Pretty good, pretty neat… There weren’t too many people there, but I had a good time anyway, had a few drinks, talked to some people, not bad at all… Even had to show B how to kiss M, which was fun 🙂 Unfortunately for him, he still wouldn’t kiss her… Afterwards I walked L home, who was drunk as shit, but funny, she even one time grabbed her pussy and proclaimed to have had a sex change operation, I felt tempted to find out, but I restrained myself 😉

Now it’s morning, the sun is shining, it’s nice and crispy fresh, it looks like it might be one hell of a day, today… I feel much much better than I did before. No, it’s not the booze, because I didn’t drink that much, I guess it’s just the feeling of getting out there… Tomorrow there’s a party in the basement… I just know that J’ll be there, but I sure as hell don’t want to give her the impression i’m harrassing her… It’s gonna be good anyway, cuz the music’ll be better than on a normal evening…

I need to go to the grocer’s today, but it’ll probably be late afternoon before that happens… That’s okay though, it’s the weekend and I paid some bills just now, so… Whatever, know what i’m sayin’? I can’t be bothered…

Saturday 19 June 2004 1:54

Still not feeling too hot, but I slept alot, which was good… I guess i’m tired, but i’m also bored… So i’ve been thinking about heading out to the club, having a drink… I need a shave and a shower first… Whole lotta trouble to go through…

Read some stuff that was both depressing and amazing… Sure confronts ya with your own mortality…. This dude was young and smart… That’s the second nite in a row spend reading stuff online… I hung out at Litany’s Forum’s last nite, just zappin’ through everything… Some pretty weird stuff going on right now…

Like I said Thursday, there’s still the whole dug up past thingy that hasn’t been resolved yet… I’m hoping it will be pretty soon because I want to stop wondering and just knowing what’s going on. I’ve come too far to start worrying about shit like this again, fuck that… Not doing it…

Did I mention I got some new threads? I can’t wait for the suit to be ready, wanna strut around in my black suit, wearing one of my two cool new ties, looking slick as a motherfucker… 🙂 Hey, so? I can’t be excited over something trivial like that? I always walk around not giving a flying fuck what I look like… So now I’m ready to give that a spin… See if I can’t get laid 😉

I’m not up for drunkenness tonite, but I just wanna be out there, seeing people… I’ll probably freak out the minute I notice how crowded it is (or empty for that matter) and just flee back home…

Did I mention I tossed a glass of wine (some good Bordeaux) over my keyboard and TFT? Goddamn… There’s still winespots on my TFT, but it works fine, so I don’t give a shit… My keyboard I rinsed out under the tap, but it’s been two days and it still has keys that don’t work… I’ll leave it to dry until after the weekend… I can do whatever I need to do with just one…

Now that the log is closing in on the finale of its’ fourth year, I’m starting to feel all… I dunno… about it again… Suddenly I have the urge to just type it all up again… I actually am getting to the point where i’d appreciate something like an admin tool, CMS, something like that to manage this… But when I look at why, I think it might be due to bad management. It really isn’t necessary, i’m just not thinking straight, when it comes to managing my own shit… Either way, there’s no need to get Thor involved. Yes, this is the first time I mentioned him, yes, I’m getting over my paranoia, yes, we do own a company*

Anyway… I guess if i’m up for a drink, I should go scrape my face, wash my ass and get dressed… Or I could just go to bed…? Man… Decision time…

Thursday 17 June 2004 23:51

Nothing’s resolved yet… There’s been work, there’s been some drinking, but not too much, there’s been a clothing shopping spree… Which was as much fun as it was humiliating… But there’ll be a black suit with my name on it waiting to be picked up next week…

Right now, though, I feel sick… I have a tremendous headache, my muscles ache, I feel dizzy… That’s really too fucking bad, cuz I felt like going squashing again tomorrow… That’s my new thing… I like it, it’s fun… Although it’s hard to find a partner and get a reservation… I guess that’s just the way it is, even with something like that… Saw Guaka yesterday and today, which was fun… We don’t see eachother that often anymore…

Saw J a while back… I eventually got to give her my phonenumber, quite casually 🙂 Who knows right? Also M is a blast to be around, but it sucks that she isn’t single (not that i’m sure she’d be interested if she was)… Been asked to join this group that does theatre-workshops, I hang around, help out with directing and hopefully help out producing a play in the fall… Truly cool to see the potential for a piece with people coming together like that… It stirs up alot for me. Work’s been going good, there were some troubles getting paid, but that seems to have resolved itself… I’ve been all over the place this week, getting next to no sleep, going from appointment to appointment, a bit stressed, i guess…

Now I think i’ll crawl into bed in a bit… I really don’t feel that hot, so perhaps a good night’s sleep will make me feel better… Although i have a sneaking suspicion that this actually is a bit more than just fatigue… I love Egan’s books so much… Only two left… I’d love to write more, but my head hurts… ouch 🙁

Saturday 5 June 2004 23:51

NP: Jay-Z – Show You How

Hell of a week. Got the big project, got a call that fucked my shit right up. Goddamn. Strange how 7 seven years can just evaporate in a second… So now it’s time to make a decision. I guess i’ll just bare my soul and see what happens. Just don’t want to have all these years blown away by looking at a face… Dunno… I’m strong, but don’t know what I’ll feel…

So we’re finally moving to the new server… This’ll be the last update before everything’s moved to the dedicated box… Pretty cool, huh? Things are moving pretty fast, I guess… I like it. It still feels like an impossible juggling act now and again, but it’s better than anything i’ve done in previous years…

There’s still a bit of dishes to be done… After that… don’t know… Got my last 2 Egan books today…

K’s been over for a while (now 3:05)… Nice… Damn, the shit that happens all around you, without me even knowing… I’m a bit buzzy now, think i’ll continue to drink… Whatever, right?

Sunday 30 May 2004 7:18

Thursday there was a bit of disappointment, Friday there was a bit of work, then in the evening I went to see S’s performance workshop, which turned out to be quite the experience… Not sure whether i’m ready to repeat it… Afterwards, I got home, K’s bday was in progress, but first i had to grab a bite to eat…

With a bottle of wine under my arm, I made my attendance… Later on I went on over to the club to see E… She’s lovely and kinda cute when she’s drunk… 🙂 Saw M really quick, but… Well… I dunno… The night progressed with a lot of booze, it got kinda weird then and again… I eventually went home… Fucked I guess…

Got woken today by SmAids’ call… There’d be a get-together at d&s’s, he’d be there… Talked to Mike a bit on the phone, settled into waking… Packed my stuff and raced down south…

It was hard to just be there and relax… It’s hard for me to relax… So I guess I didn’t… At 2 am I decided that it was time to leave… I didn’t get to see everybody, they arrived after my departure…

Talked to D on the phone in the car… Got home, zonked out behind the screen, talked to D some more, I guess he’s not happy about rescheduling, but i wasn’t in the mood to help him feel better about getting older and coping with frustrations… Hey, I’m fucked up too, ya know… Now the sun is shining again, it’s a goddamn Sunday, with another one waiting in the wings… On monday i’m going halfway down south, on wednesday i’m gonna go all the way… Now, I guess, I’ll just say fuck it and head on over to my bed… I have coped with enough consciousness for one day… Still no hayfever to speak of… Strange…

Thursday 27 May 2004 4:47

NP: Everything but the Girl – Missing

It’s been somewhat of a busy week. Monday there was the big meeting, which went quite well… It was long though. Nearly walked into a shooting… Saturday was fun too, but also a bit sobering. In the afternoon I bought a new microwave, cuz my oven is fucked:

Sunday… Well… Ya know, Sundays…

Tuesday there was soccer which of course was fun. I haven’t seen much of the outside world these few days… We’ve been working hard to get everything done in time, in which we succeeded. There’s still alot to do these coming days, but i’m sure everything will get done.

Been talking much with Dries lately, we spent many hours talking on the phone, he on his balcony, me in bed… We talk about the past, our lives as they are now, work, women, wine… What strange lives we’ve lived…

I have trouble getting to sleep this week. I stay up far too late, can’t get up in time… I guess it’s ok, as long as everything gets done.

This weekend I have a couple of parties to go to… Friday there’s one I have to be at. Then Saturday… I guess i’ll just go along with it. We’ll see what happens… Well… Actually… I’m still not sure. When i give it some more thought… I’unno… Might not feel too comfortable… But it’d be good to get out and I could drop by Dries on Sunday… I’ll make a decision ’bout this later. I’d be great to see SmAids again too, though… Zieg is heading west right now, off to the Rockies… Man, must be a hell of a view…

Saturday 22 May 2004 2:27

Fuck summer…

the way we slide tonite

it hurts as if there was

a blizzard cold inside

of me

It’s the way we move

the way we hurt

that spells out truth

in the snow

If there was a way

to get back to just

one hour of that day

i’d give it all

But nothing will save me

nothing will ever feel

the same way again

you still went away

and then…

there was nothing left

nothing at all

And yet the way we move

the way we slide

deeper into the

cold dark night

is the hurt i need

is the pain of life

without you…

Monday 17 May 2004 9:16

NP: Radiohead – The National Anthem

Again a horrible night… If I slept three hours, it’s much… My saturday was lame… Although eventually G dropped by and we made our way across the park, to this party… It looked fun at first, but once again, I felt ill at ease… Saw a few people, whom i’d totally expected to be there and some whose presence surprised me… All in all, we stayed for an hour or so… Headed over to the club and had a few drinks and talked for quite a while…

Sunday I slept, got up, did nothing… Got into bed and read a bit… Then got up again and started a bit of work, late at night… When I returned to bed, i had a hard time falling asleep… I eventually must have fallen asleep, but it’s been short, very short…

Just took a shower and I need to get some bread, in a minute… Cash is getting to be a bit of a problem… My own damn fault I guess… There’s money due, but it’s taking its’ sweet time…

The past week wasn’t a good idea. I got weak and got out… All it did, was create longing and frustration… There’s something missing, from me or the world, i’m not sure… Maybe there’s something gone in both… What a sad thought, huh? I think I can handle it, as long as I keep myself on a short leish… But I know I won’t… Not for long anyway…

Saturday 15 May 2004 5:35

NP: New Order – True Faith

So completely depleted… I’m very tired now… I decided again against my better judgement to go out tonite… I knew that there’d be someone that I’d love to see and of course she was… They both were… She’s very nice to me, but I doubt it’s anything more than a way to keep me at a distance, in a friendly way… I’d love to ask her over sometime, or maybe go for a walk, but she is often surrounded by other people so that makes it hard… I guess some things never change…

The new plans for this weekend fell through, also… I guess that makes it easier for me to turn somewhere else, as i expected this… It’s too bad though, cuz there’s at least as much intrigue… Captivating… But if someone is that free, there’s no way… And it’s me, unsure, depressing, awkward… That’s the biggest obstacle probably…

Enough lamenting… I have work to do tomorrow… I need sleep. If I could make a wish… I’d wish for a beautiful dream… The thing i am, in ruins… Round the decay Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare The lone and level sands stretch far away…

Friday 14 May 2004 17:38

Quite a day today… We did the upgrade thingy, which is cool to be happening… And had some medium-type crisis-like situations… The mouth-skills one needs… wow… (not talking about axel rose here 😉 I was a bit hung-over from last nite, but i feel like i handled it all quite well…

Wednesdaynite I ended up talking to Dries on the phone from 3 am to 5:30 am… It was a long talk and of course I was completely fucked come morning, but oh well… Thursday there was work… In the evening S came over, I cooked dinner and we had a wonderful time… Love that girl…

After that I was pretty tired, but decided to do some more work… Unfortunately, later on I got a request from G, he wanted to hang out, so I decided against my better judgement to just go ahead and go… When I arrived, I got my first real taste of old age… They carded me and since i’m cardless…. Well, they eventually let me in… Inside was quite busy, but i hadn’t seen anything like that in a while… I felt ill at ease, especially with some of the pretty chicks that were there… Amazingly enough someone caught me feeling that way, I hadn’t expected him of all people to read me so clearly. On top of that, he was drunk… So am I that easy to read?

I just sat and drank with G, which was ok, I guess… Eventually we ended up going to the club, where I ran into E, who was weirder even than i remember… It wasn’t that great. Afterwards I… I dunno, tried to talk to someone, but I guess it was the wrong moment or something, none of my business to be sure, but hey… I worry…

Got home, watched some stuff, crawled into bed and tried to sleep… I think I slept 4-5 hours, with quite a lot of booze in me, but I managed to get up and get some work done… Which is nice… Tonite i’m gonna take it easy… Too bad that I don’t get any replies… I feel strange… I used to party like this everyday, but i don’t think i could nowadays… I have to get my mind right anyway so… Still, I’m glad I did have some fun this week…

Wednesday 12 May 2004 18:18

NP: Sonic Youth – The Diamond Sea

Saturdaynite was different. Spent some time at M’s b-dayparty, which was fun, afterwards I dropped D off at the club, but decided to go home, i just wasn’t feeling up to it. After i got home and had taken a shower, my phone rang, g-man asking me if i’d be at the club… This was around 3:30.. 🙂 Love those midnightcommunications… So i figured what the fuck and headed out again. It was kind of hard on me, being there, there was good music and all, but there are still some people that can make me nervous, like bad, for no reason at all… I eventually faced off with my nerves and had a nice experience as a reward. Not that it’ll be better next time… So Sunday mosey’d along nothin’ much goin’ on… Monday I got some work done, did some grocery shopping… Tuesday I felt rather fucked, so i stayed in bed most of the morning and afternoon, i’m coming down with a cold or something…

Well, I eventually did get up and dragged my ass to soccer, where there were some new guys to fill up the ranks. We had a great game and i scored some beauts… (: When I came home I talked to K for a bit, then nearly set fire to my microwave, cuz i was too goddamn lazy to read the instructions on the lasagna-pack… hehe Stupid ass… I didn’t even realize the pack had aluminium in it… So after heating it on a plate, i set down to dinner with some french stick bread… Really nice for once in a -long- while…

When i was nearly finished J dropped by and we had a long conversation about all kinds of shit… From quantum physics, the noosphere project (the name of which i remembered with a little help from pH), work, books etc. Quite amusing. Thing was, G-man was getting steadily drunk at the club waiting for me, so I had to move things along… Around 1:30 i finally did arrive… Again, some people make me nervous. I wish i could be a little more secure… I like the physical stuff though 🙂 Anywayz… We got to leaving and headed out to the other club which is a blast on Tuesdays (fuck other days, if i party at all, it’ll be on a Tuesday!). On the way we talked about a former acquaintance who’d been spotted by C and G some time ago. She was a cutey back in the day…

In the club, we had some drinks, grooved a bit to the music. Saw S there, which was nice. The night zipped by… G and me left C to his own devices, hope he got home alright 😉 Although G wasn’t too steady on his feet, he got on a bike and made it home without a hitch (this time ;)… I walked back home, a bit annoyed that i’d decided to leave my sweater at home, cuz folks… Summer ain’t here yet. I couldn’t resist a little communication, but maybe i shouldn’t’ve… I felt strange walking home… I’d had but a few drinks, yet, somehow… don’t know… I felt weird. Not bad, but somehow altered existentialistic, if that makes sense… I don’t know.

When I got home, i couldn’t resist… Watched something or other, did a spot of working and turned in. I had strange dreams… They’re not subsiding… Very erotic this time, but very strange too… Disturbing to be sure… Surreal… Got up and got to work, which i’ve just interrupted to get this update done… I’ll see about some dinner in a bit. Gonna take it easy tonite… I hope I don’t get the sniffles… My back hurts too… I wanna be taken care of! </whinemode>

Nearly forgot to post the links to The Internet Archive

As of the start of this week there are 4 video’s online, available for download. These vidz are taped performances by me, IndusTree and pH. Check em out! There’ll be more soon!

-pH live at Doornroosje, contesting in the Roos van Nijmegen, at Doornroosje, Nijmegen, The Netherlands

-IndusTree live at Merleyn, Nijmegen, The Netherlands

-IndusTree live at Diogenes, Nijmegen, The Netherlands

-De Naklank van Stilte

Saturday 8 May 2004 14:36

NP: Tom Waits – Flowers Grave

I went to the club wednesdaynite, but there was next to no-one there. So I stood in a corner and drank. So goddamn depressing. It was better than staying in, sitting behind this fucking desk. I got home, hung around, went to bed and got up again. Got some lighting and a fan… Long overdue.

Friday was full of meetings, physically and virtual. I guess it was all positive. Dropped by on a friend, who’d just woken up. Then back home. More phonecalls. Later on I decided that since two Egan-books had arrived, i ought to pick them up. Let’s just say that reading this man’s books has become somewhat of an addiction. Hopefully Monday the other two will arrive.

I was tired and had enough of the world after a while, so i decided to go to bed around 0:30… I had weird dreams… The same level of weird i’ve been experiencing for the past months… I wonder what i’m trying to tell myself, if anything. Unfortunately my plans for today fell through, so now what….? I’m not sure. I feel like going out and buying me a bike. Don’t know if i can spare the money though. There are some people who still owe me money, but I can’t quite depend on that…

I do like this song, but only when i play it loud enough… Strange that after quite so many years I still clearly recall the emotions that accompany the words… Although it is recalling, not reliving… I’m greatful for that in a way, although, -not being intentionally fickle here-, but it also seems like a loss in other ways… In the end it is all about the ability to clear and steer the mind, full control, complete abandon… Like Dylan said: oooh i was so much older then, I’m younger than that now, cuz you know, for the life of me, i’m not sure of most anything concerning consciousness or being human anymore… I like this song too…

Thursday 6 May 2004 1:14

NP: Tupac – How Do You Want It?

Had a dream about this girl I used to know… There were nights she got me so fucking hot… That’s quite a while ago though… It was a weird dream.

Did some work today, got some groceries, did the dishes, laundry, cooked… I got my prezzy’s today, a nice little usb light, a fo shizzle discoball 🙂 and some other stuff… I love the discoball… I want it to move, so i constantly give it a whirl… (: I need a small motor for it or something… and some better lighting…

There was a lunar eclipse last nite but becuz of the shitty weather there was nothing to see… Of course tonite… It’s a clear sky with what’s left of the full moon… I was supposed to have somebody over for a visit tonite, but that got cancelled… Nevermind; though it brought back some memories, i must admit… Only thing is… I don’t know what to do with myself now. I’m not tired, i’m bored… I feel restless… Watched some series tonite… Made me feel melancholy… I guess that’s why I watch em… Sad actually… I guess… Got something lined up, but i’m thinking about cancelling… I might get my hopes up and be let down or fuck it up in other ways, so i’m not sure… Man… Me and women… 😉

Now i’m not sure what to do next tonite… A bit of exercise for sure… But then what? A quick peek at what’s happenin’ at the club? I dunno… I could get drunk… I feel charged but lousy… I feel lonely too, I guess… Strange, I’m starting to hate this room, but at the same time it feels efficient, like a snug fit. A bit like life I guess… Or is that too defeatistic?

Monday 3 May 2004 17:24

Photonight entertainment online! There’s a gallery and with a little help from Thor i’m hoping to have a slideshow up as well… Enjoy my weird face… 😉

update 18:17 :

SlideShow is up!

Monday 3 May 2004 2:25

NP: A Chud Convention – Patient Sorrow

Another week ahead… Summer’s creeping into the cracks of what’s left of winter… No pollen harassment yet, but i’m sure it’s around the corner… My week was less than spectacular, but oh well… Had a thing in U-town with Q, guest appearances by Guaka, h-l, m&d… I guess it was kinda fun… 22 hrs straight and i was ready for snoozetime…

Saturday there was a visit to the shop, sippin’ g&t with company and later a quick visit in b&w’s to the club… I got what i expected and it hit me as she always does… Went home, cuz i couldn’t take it… 

I expose myself to it, knowing full well all the risks that are involved… Yet i can’t seem to control myself… Saw Guaka today, before he went back down, he’s leaving tomorrow… There’s a night now. I’m gonna use it…

Monday 26 April 2004 1:48

Apart from Friday my weekend was way lame, but that was to be expected of course… I need to get out more… I need my bike fixed… I need to start preparing for the onslaught of pollen… I’m tired… but I haven’t been able to treat myself to an early night’s rest… I should try that though… Maybe use the laptop a bit more…

I actually wrote 5, 6 sentences today! It’s fucking amazing 🙂 I hope you will appreciate the cynicism… It’s gonna be a busy week. Lots of stuff headed my way… Gotta keep my head cool. Stay with it…(get, stick, whatever)… I need something to hold on to personally… There’s next to nothing left. Looking back over the years, the shit i’ve written here… I guess it’s a pretty goddamn dark cave…

Saturday 24 April 2004 21:31

Long week… Hard week, got some bad news concerning blingbling… Oh well, there are other ways… Had an encounter earlier this week… Weird. K’s computer finally got finished. Yesterday I decided that i’d get out a bit, I’ve been behind this screen too long. I actually had a bit of fun… When I got home I did the dishes, made the bed, got 2 laundrycycles done and vacuumed the place. Then I took a shower and went out to secure me some Skinny Puppy tickets 🙂 There are 5 hangin’ right in front of me! After that a quick stop at the grocer’s, then back home for a bit of breakfast. After that… I crashed… So I crawled into bed and slipped away…

I had some strange dreams, very emotional… Really really odd… I woke to the sound of the phone… Mikey has a new job, which is great! I talked to him for a bit… Decided to get up… Got me a spot of dindin and zonked out behind the telly…

I’d love to do something fun tonite… But I’m pretty tired and i’m afraid there ain’t much fun stuff goin’ on ’round here… If there was I’d consider fighting sleep for fun 😉 Man, i’m tired…

Monday 19 April 2004 5:23

Oops… Oh shit, it’s way too motherfuckin’ late now… Tonite is a schoolnite and the nite is nearly over… Shit! I can’t control myself, can I now? 🙂 Well, whateverz… It’s always the same on Sundays… I just can’t hack Sundays… Don’t know what it is that makes me fucked up on this particular day of the week, but it might have something to do with a long forgotten, thoroughly rebelled against catholic upbringing… Which is funny actually cuz i had a weird trip on the net tonite… I went from this story about a stupid Dutch broad, to the well known T&A mag, where I read something about Shulgin and landed me on one of the archive pages of Wired Mag which had an interview with Shulgin himself (whom i’ve actually talked to on the phone once)… After reading this “i flipped through the pages” of the Mag and ended up reading a piece by Dawkins (author of The Selfish Gene) about Brights… After I’d scrutinized the website, I thought it might be a good idea to check out what people in the forums were saying… These guys scared me a bit… In fact, there was nothing wrong with the whole idea of Brights, but the way they were carrying themselves in discussions, the need for self-identification, it struck me as a self-help group, more than rationalists coming together to amend their position in society and criticize government leaders for using religion-based arguments in political decisions… Eventually I got tired of the site and came upon one of the contributors’ personal site, which was funny, sort of… From here I made my final stop at a site dedicated to debunking Jesus’ existence, which is what started this whole mess with Sundays and everything… Weird thing is that earlier tonite I watched Chris Rock’s new show, which was partly about religion in America… “‘In god we trust’ on every dollarbill, Americans worship money!”. Some of the same things he talked about, I encountered on my little voyage… The fun part is, that you can actually retrace my steps… If you’d care to… 😉 To me it is funny, cuz i have many of these excursions, yet i never take the time to retrace and reproduce my steps… This is one of the first times i’ve done this… (Which would imply that there will be more in the future? What are you saying, Scarum?) This is what keeps me awake at this Sundaynight… It’s all religions’ fault… Or is it the internet’s fault and thereby the military-industrial complex (DOD) who were the creators of Arpanet, which developed into the Internet? Hmmm…. I have been watching a lot of X-files lately… 😉

Ok, enough with the weblog-style stuff, or this site might even start to draw some attention for entertainment value… And we wouldn’t want that to happen, now would we…? The coming week is gonna be a rough one… It’s going to be very busy and this is a bad, bad start… I’m considering staying awake and really roughing it through monday, starting with dishes, vacuuming, shopping, working and an early bedtime… An alternative might be, hitting the sack for a few hours and trying to get everything done all the same, just with less hours to spare… Hmmm… Difficult choice, that one… Luckily i’m not forced (nor am i forcing myself) to disclose my decision right now… I can ponder this question for a bit longer as it becomes more and more irrevelant with the passing of time… Why haven’t I had any reactions to my ScarumTravels e-mail? Oh well… Enough typing…

I just realised I haven’t said anything about my weekend…: It was fucked up… Just about the same goes for my emotional state… Not that it matters… Purely FYI… Other things could be said, but i’m not gonna, not dropping clues, going into innuendo… Fuck it. It’s too hard to maintain that shit… There’s always one or two things that fuck me up bad… Always a girl on my mind… Sometimes it’s the same one for months… Sometimes it’s just flashbacks… Sometimes it’s life itself… I try to ignore myself these days… It’s working up to a point… And probably at a cost… I’m becoming grumpier and a-social… When I dream (which is quite often, vividly and clearly), it is about conflict, exposure, embarrassment, confinement, fear, loneliness… Could it be my mind is trying to tell me something? Nah, it’s probably just those years and years of watching the telly that are finally catching up on me… I gotta go, I hear the sun rising…

Saturday 17 April 2004 13:20

NP: Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers – Even The Losers

Yesterday was a good day for us… Papers were signed that were meant to be signed, there were talks that were quite positive… Yeah all in all a good day. I still felt a little juiced, but that had more to do with the fact that it was a hard, long day, than anything else… And of course this stupid fuck doesn’t go straight to bed, no he keeps on working deep into the wee morning hours… Oh well… I’m still a bit tired… But it’s ok… Been working… Been answering my mail, doing some paperwork… Later on I’ll do some dishes, grab a shower and wait for Q to show up… We’ll be hangin’ out at Smaids’ place tonite… I’ll join in and drive back again… The weekend is nearly over again… Maybe I need some breakfast… And fruit!

Thursday 15 April 2004 16:15

Had a weird dream yesterday… Dreamt that I was in Palestinian territories, held captive… Even though i’m not a jew (at least… I think i wasn’t, who can tell in dreams, right?), i was being tortured and led into underground holding cells… We eventually managed to escape and cross a border. There were people with rocketlaunchers there, firing across the border… Scary stuff…

It’s been a pretty rough week, especially since there was another fucking holiday… i hate catholic holidays… Negotiations are tough, I keep forgetting important stuff… I’m no legal expert… Well, we’re getting there… I haven’t been seeing the great outdoors much… Still cooped up in here most of the time… Been avoiding people, cuz i can’t seem to… I dunno… It’s hard on me…

Tuesday 13 April 2004 16:15


Sunday 11 April 2004 11:35

NP: LustMord – Protoplasmic Reversion

Busy week… The things I have to deal with these days… Amazing… Lawyers and shit… Oh well, all for the best, I guess… Had some good news and some moderately bad news this week, but I just close my eyes and push on ahead… Let’s see this thing through…

Tried to get K’s pc working, but it’s a bit fucked… I think it’s the HD, I’ll check that out today or tomorrow… The thingy at the club never transpired, so Fridaynite around midnight, I crawled into bed… Yesterday I had to do some last minute (and I really mean “last minute”) Easter shopping, I’d been taking a little nap, so I was real fuzzy when I got to the store… Weird stuff…

Last night, yeah… Last night… Actually, you know what? Fuck it, I’m not gonna go into it… Some of it was fun, alot of it was weird… Which was to be expected. Suffice it to say that I still think I don’t fit, even with the misfits…

I’m not sure what I’ll do today… I’m pretty early for a Sunday… That’s becuz I was expecting a call, which woke me about an hour and a half ago… I handled the call and decided it’d be foolish to go back to sleep… Now I do realise though that I fell asleep around 6 am, so i’ve slept for about 4 hours… I’ll be a bit tired today, but since i’m so fucking sober, i’ll be annoyingly lucid… Even though it hurts me, I can’t stand to see suffering… I’m quite sure i’ll regret this one day soon…

Sunday 4 April 2004 15:11

NP: The Cure – One Hundred Years

Fucked up my back on Tuesday… Still there was soccer and drinks, for a change… Which was sorta fun. The rest of the week there were mostly phonecalls, not too much else to do, yet… Hopefully that’ll change this week. Things are getting tight.

Friday there was Zieg’s going away party, which didn’t quite turn out as either of us had planned or hoped… Still it was nice to see everybody. Saturday was spent cleaning the aftermath, which took me quite some time, but I got it all done… I also grabbed two shows to Xvid, that’ll be released online quite soon… One is an early IndusTree-show, the other is my play from last year. Details as they become available…

Got a call for an evening walk after all that, so i decided it might be a good idea, even though i was pretty tired… She was feeling ill and looked the part, poor girl… Afterwards I came home and watched some entertainment… When it was getting too hard to keep my eyes open, I made the bed, took a shower and dozed off really fast…

Next week there’ll be a trip down south, probably… There’ll be some difficult discussion, I imagine… We’ll see how that goes…

Today… Well… It’s nice weather… But it’s kinda late already… So maybe i’ll just open up my doors and do some work on my laptop… It’s gonna be a strange summer, feeling like this…

Tuesday 30 March 2004 0:32

Long day today, got up at 6, worked from 7… At 6 i quit again, went to the store, cooked, got back to indexing my tapes… Afterwards I started the Atlas-project… That will keep me busy for months to come… I think I’ll eventually enjoy it… I think maybe I do already….

This is today’s Playlist… Today for the first time i realised, i don’t like S&R anymore… Just one album at a time is nice too, sometimes…

Talked to Dries, who botched his exam today, made some plans for Wednesday… Friday is getting more real by the minute… I’m so tired right now… I’ll brush the teeth and head on to bed… Tomorrow there’s another day filled with joyous labour… 😉

Sunday 28 March 2004 16:01

NP: U2 – Last Night on Earth

The week was weird but good, i guess… Got a lot of work done… Also a bit of personal stuff, indexed all my hi8 en dig.8 tapes, which was quite a buttload of work, but sure as hell worth it…

Weather is getting better… A bit more spring-like… Still cold though… Met up yesterday with M&D, got our ears blasted off by djembe’s and shit… Talked to Mikey afterwards… It got a bit messy towards the end, but they eventually rolled down the windows and went ahead… I went home. There’s no need to hang around other places…

I really was a bit hasty with the whole HoT thing… Don’t feel like doing it, bad… Oh well, what do I care, eventually?

There’s some things to be done today and since they stole me an hour, i’ll have to make some time… Do the dishes, vacuum this place… That kind of shit. I’m looking forward to the week. I’ve grown to dislike weekends… Let’s get to work… Shape the Self… Steer the Robot…

Wednesday 24 March 2004 23:40

Oooh man… Do i feel the weight of it tonite… I’m tired… It’s been a good day, still, please don’t take a picture… There’s nothing but garbage on the waste-outlet… Wordgames on and off, to and fro, like goddamn pingpongmatches… It doesn’t do me good… I’m wondering about how much there is yet to come…

I’ll be able to sleep tonite i hope… There’s been a fucked up little tendency arising in my sleeping patterns… or waking patterns, even… Blablabla… I haven’t got the words for this…

Tuesday 23 March 2004 0:04

NP: JayZ – Blueprint 2

Weird Thursday, boring weekend… Worked a bit… Read too fucking much… Made my rhythm go AWOL…

Barely held on today… Slept a few hours during the day… So fucked up…




need to shut up ya twat!

what you say?

nothing at all, that’s right

nothing at all…

don’t let it make a dent in yer armour

be a rock

if she bump it’ll harm hér

no skin off of my cock

tick tock

time flows too slow

if you watch the clock

so we focus on the cheddar

walk upright through the weather

fuck the storm

be the hurricane

this life is on track

this madman is a train

passin’ up the stations

fuel burning fast ignore the pain

there’s nothin’ in this life keepin’ me sane

but i’m done with hangin my head in shame

so fuck y’all

this drink of water is too tall

can you recall

the things you said made you big and me small

but it’s over it’s done

i ain’t sayin’ no more

won’t give you ammo for the gun

i’ll leave y’all in a stun

i’ll be gone and forever

i should’ve seen this one coming

it was time to sever

it’s been hard to allow such a concept to be

but now that i’ve allowed my mind to be free

of a cloud of emotion

now i can see

life’s what you make it

and i ain’t made shit

which is too bad cuz the boy’s got potential

the boy could be a hit

only words that i ever ever ever needed to utter

it is time to drag my ass up out of the gutter

buhbye gutterslutt0rzzz…

Thursday 18 March 2004 22:06

NP: JayZ – Hey Papi

Got some work done today, which is good… My nights are erratic… I go to bed early, wake up in the middle of the night and oversleep the next day…

Can’t wait for the motherfucking weekend… Although i’m not complaining about the speed with which time flies by… Bread is getting sparse, energy is low, morale is down in the toilet… Can’t shake these goddamn blues… Can’t believe i’m sober…

Some mails to send out, a little bit of dishwashing, activity, shower… Maybe a drink later on? Hell i dunno…

Wednesday 17 March 2004 1:06

NP: Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds – The Weeping Song

Woke up rather late, frazzled… Didn’t accomplish too much today, but there are some opportunities arising… Soccer was great, good game…

After dinner I had a nice walk and drink with H… The weather is so beautiful, it’s still wintery-dark, but the temperature is definitely indicative of spring… A little wind, a clear sky…

I really didn’t feel like seeing her, cuz i knew i’d have a hard time… And now even more so… I’m starting to understand…

Now for a little bit of relaxing, maybe watch a movie and then a bit of sleep… Take my mind off her…

Tuesday 16 March 2004 3:32

Got alot of work done today, had a long conversation with M about the club… I’m considering getting back into it… I’m not sure yet…

I should have gone to bed earlier, but I didn’t, so i’ll just go lie down in a sec, sleep ’till ten or eleven… Tomorrow there’s soccer… Hope it’ll be better than last week…

I might participate in the lit. competition… I haven’t decided yet… Damn… Forgot to buy soap… Oh well…

Sunday 14 March 2004 3:49

NP: Johnny Cash – Hurt

Madrid is slowly sinking in… We really fucked up, haven’t we? 

what have i become

my sweetest friend

everyone i know

goes away in the end

and you could have it all

my empire of dirt

i will let you down

i will make you hurt

if i could start again

a million miles away

i would keep myself

i would find a way…

I had a lovely day with S, had a good and difficult night last nite… Happy birthday my dear friends…

Couldn’t bring myself to go there tonite… I’m so damn sad…

Tuesday 9 March 2004 23:15

NP: Depeche Mode – Barrel of a Gun

Been hurting for 4 days with bad muscle-aches… Unfortunately that’s still not completely over and done with… Also I tripped today playing soccer and bruised my ankle… Though not as serious as last year, or two years ago, i dunno… Still it hurts like shit…

The party @ Smaids’ place was cool… got me a haircut and everything… Got nice and toasted too… Zieg dropped me off in front of the club, where i indeed proceeded to imbibe even more of the evil booze… There were two beautifuls girls there, that definitely got most of my attention…. Although for once the music was pretty good…

Actually that Saturdaynite the idea was born to do a night at the club with only good, eclectic, melancholic music… So that will be happening on the 9th of April… I stumbled into a meeting last nite, which was pretty hectic and eventful… It got me thinking… Well, i’m not sure… I really have to think about this… There’s also the small matter of the other thing… The thing that’s costing a lot of money…

If there were someway to suspend consciousness and stop time, I’d wait for the right moment, when you would kiss me and then i’d make it last forever… so the tree falls in the forest and i’m not there to hear it… i’m waiting underneath a waterfall for the rain to stop… i’m hearing thunder in the distance as i ride the lightning to where daylight is smothered perpetually into night… from a certain perspective it’s all a standstill… if, if, if… fuck if… And… Well there’s a word for you… Can you soothe whatever it is that’s been hurting me for so goddamn long? I’m sorry… I thought…

Tomorrow there’s alot to be done… I hope I can sleep tonite… I hope i didn’t jinx it by just saying that… My ankle hurts, my head is heavy, i’m coughing, these are not signs of good health… Oh boy… I’m definitely in the fucked up-category now…

Friday 5 March 2004 2:32

NP: Madrugada – Only when you’re gone

So so so… It’s March… Spring is around the corner… I’m still so fucking tired half the time… Might be the weather, might be sumthin’ else… dunno… The cards’ll be comin’ tomorrow…

The other system crashed, blew up another mofo mobo… g’dmn! Took a while to get shit up and running again… I’m not gonna update the syslist in info, cuz i don’t feel like it… tonite…

This weekend we’re celebratin’ SMAids ascent to old age… I’m planning to have some fun… It’s been quite the weird week, but i’m feeling a bit better mentally…

Gotta remember to pay for soccer… And my parking ticket… And write a really angry letter…

Tomorrow there’s lots to do… I need sleep… I love Egan‘s writing…

Wednesday 25 February 2004 4:34

The bright lights surround me

and the night is still

The day has gone

departed with iron will

Now in the pit of the blackness

not even shadows appear

Now in the pit of emptiness

it all seems so clear

There’ll be days

There’ll be nights

darker than these

There’ll be hopes

There’ll be fears

I can’t put to ease

If all the loneliness

and secondhand experience

don’t kill

Then despair

and realisations

most definitely will

In the end there’s not a flicker

nor starlight to guide

When for the last time

I reluctantly step into the night…

Sunday 22 February 2004 1:59

It’s been a bit of a shitty week for me… I haven’t been feeling too hot… Trouble getting to sleep, trouble waking up. I feel it has something to do with the weather… Maybe because I refuse to turn up the heat in my room. It’s always cold here. Not that that’s a problem, but maybe, next time when i feel it’s really cold, I should try and get warm. I’m coughing a bit, I have headaches… The second half of this week i felt too tired to do any exercises. Haven’t been out much and when i did venture out, it wasn’t that big of a success…

I’m thinking of having a drink later on, first I gotta take a shower, shave… But even though i’ve slept for quite a few hours today, i still feel tired, so it might not be the best of ideas… We’ll see how i feel in a bit…

The old server is gone now, off to Paris, along with G&I, A&P… Maybe there it’ll be granted a second life… Who knows… It also means that my secondary line will be cancelled by the end of this month… No more loadbalancing issues… Although I do notice a dropback in speed, a bit… My old P.O.S. comp kicked the bucket fridaynite… The thing blew another powerblock… It must be shortcircuiting here or there… Well, I’ll have to get a bigger block and see what happens… It might be a good idea to invest in a large HD and back up all my shit, disassemble the mofo, assemble and do a clean install… There’s no rush…

Tomorrow I’ll do some cleaning here, vacuum, a laundryrun, fortunately i did my dishes… Get some work done maybe… It’s supposed to get wintery again, so i’m expecting a grey, cloudy, rainy day… Well let’s see what the KNMI has to say… Hmmm, there’ll be no downpour any time soon… So it’ll just be cloudy, grey, cold… Oh well… Nothing we haven’t seen before… I’d really enjoy a quiet night in with a pretty girl, watching a movie, sipping some wine… I’d sure go for that… Oh well… Nothing we haven’t seen before…

The clan is off to the south, this weekend and early next week. I guess I still don’t really like it… But perhaps I do not care so much anymore… I’ve been thinking about this whole thing… The Skinny Puppy gig in Germany this summer… I’ve invited alot of people to join in this sort of trek, a convoy… But i’m not sure i’m ready myself to wade through 2½ days of shit, just to see cEvin and Ogre… I was thinking how much better it would be, to just by a ticket, say “fuck” to those other two days and just drive up for that one gig, sleep in the car and drive back… Sounds like a plan to me… Just go it alone… Dunno, gonna buy a ticket soon though…

Maaaaan… what’s up with my digestive tract? I knew being a veggy i’d have great bowelmovement, but this… Oh well… Not sure I wanna post anything about doodoo on here… Just in case i read this again and go… “yuck! dude…! come on!” Oh well, too late i guess… I need a fucking haircut… It’s really starting to grow… I look like shit in the morning… But that might just be becuz i’m so damn ugly 😉

Somebody broke into SMAids house the other day, stole a rather large sum of money… Some motherfucker must have known when he’d be out… Pisses me off… Goddamn asshole… Won’t be long now before Zieg’s off to Canada… Three fucking months… Wow… I should do that sometime… In a few years… Who am i kidding…? Mikey got sacked, but fought back and won… Now he’s (and we’re) waiting to see what they’ll do… They’ll probably settle, i guess… 

Now you’re all grown up, yeah… you’re uh uh uh uh so mature

That party on the thirteenth… Sure as hell was weird… Somewhat of an eyeopener… Drank way too muthafuckin’ much… Still it was fun… In some twisted way… Tricky Dick had a birthday last Tuesday, which was sorta fun… And sorta not… I had this project goin’ where i was trying to find out how many people i could piss off, in as short a time as possible… I kinda got it going there for a while 😉 Also, I dreamed up a new partypoopin’ line: “This party is so great, they should release the ebolavirus!” Yeah, well, that just goes to show what a happy camper i am these days…

Dries is off to Spain, again… To go roam the mountains… Well good for you kid… Just a bit of melancholy traveling, you can’t get it back and you know it… We’re getting old man… You know we are… Come to see me when you get back, we’ll drink that St. Estephe 1992 (:

Now… Let’s get going… I need a shave and a shower, baaaaaad…

Thursday 19 February 2004 3:04

NP: Leonard Cohen – Bird on a Wire

Things are looking up, professionally speaking… So I guess we’re doing something right. Personally… well… not really, but hey who gives a shit anyway, right? I have a lot of anger, which is sort of ok, cuz i sometimes am able to direct my rage… use it… Being angry is better than being sad, i guess… My god, this girl… I hate what she does to me now and again…

My rhythm is still pretty much fucked, but i’m trying to get it under control again… cumulative effects… tomorrow i have to go to capital city… bizmeet, which is ok, cuz it’s an opportunity to get out a bit more, but right now, i’m not quite up to it… I have to work towards it, prepare myself… Try and get 7 hrs shuteye and get up a few hours beforehand to work up the stomach to get out there…

I need to start looking about for an alternative means of transportation… Selling my old ATB, any1 interested? Skype Me!

Sunday 15 February 2004 17:45

NP: Tupac, Snoop & NateDog – Same Hoes

yeahyeah… this is what you get this is where it leads the stupid ideas the wasted ideals the bored now the torched pamflets now goddamn stupid fuck banish it leave it keep it cool let it flow need to treat life as a trip… doesn’t work, doesn’t mean a thing, right… goddamn goddamn goddamn…

Thursday 12 February 2004 0:53

Well, well… What’s in a name? Just to make things nice and sparkling clear:

I’m off to sleep now… I’ve been awake for nearly 40 hours… Need sleep baaaad… |:

Saturday 7 February 2004 20:27

NP: The Cure – From the Edge of the deep green Sea

Wave after wave after wave…

It’s been a while… Not much news… I’m so fucking sober these days, that sometimes I feel like i’m on some überhigh… Really fucked up… Guess it’s okay though. Haven’t been this sober in… well… 13 years I guess…

I have to admit to having no fucking idea at all as to what i’m doing… In more ways than one… I know what i’m feeling though… Last night i was walking outside in a storm… The clouds were chasing across the sky, patches of clear like brittle paper exposing stars… An airplane… Full moon… I felt myself leaving my body, getting sucked upwards… But I couldn’t let go… I just couldn’t. Such despair.

Today was a slow day… I’m very pleased with the new layout for my room. It’s efficient and everything is in its’ right place… That… And the dust is gone… There were dustdinosaurs about that had had a good life of at least five years… They are living in the vacuumcleaner now…

I’m overexposing myself again… OD on melancholy… It has no subject, no focus. I think that might be dangerous. We’ll see…

Thursday 29 January 2004 01:45

NP: UB40 – Don’t let It pass You by

In the late afternoon i crawled into bed, to avoid the dying of daylight…

now the guests have all gone, i’m alone here in… strapped in the chair of night…

towel shades the light snow paints streets white 

you’ve never ever been longer out of my sight

And I wait…

Sleep will get me eventually

and it’ll leave you out there

with the wolves

with the puppies

with the stuffed animals


What are you saying, dead man?

What do you want me to hear?

Is that a whisper of revolution,

A call to arms, you whisper in my ear?

Omnipotence, impotence, deliverance

And the girl will never be mine

The fortune needed for the everlasting diamonds,

the nights full of dining and wine

Even a soul to match thine

I lack…

We’ve had some good times

But they’re gone

The dead haven’t risen

The eyes did dull

After a while, drugs and repetition

Too old now to face any sort of competition

A lazy mind is a joy forever…

The things that haunt you

are the truths you must accept

Even though you’d rather use a hot poke

to burn those thoughts out of your head

The things that taunt you

are the things you must reject

They remind you of the many things about you

you have yet to perfect

And time is running out…

Sunday 25 January 2004 21:08

twisting inside, wringing, wrenching, working the gut

almost all is subdued but the pain is not

the fear, the anguish, the doubt

all these small creatures still scurry about

in the half-dark, half-lit halls of my mind

scavenge for hope of one of a kind

it is there, yet hiding, hidden still

like a child invisible

through sheer power of will

though it might not survive to see a new dawn

a new one is conceived

as another is born

these juvenile heirs to this inconquerable line

are the only things of matter that help me define

my torture and pain

my allegiance to their vile enemies

i can thusly explain

even though this war is waged

in my ubiquitous self

there is no way for me to sway

the pendulum of power while I stay,

standing on my rocky shelf

i must go down my hesitant steep slope

instead of keeping the view,

and fight and mame and destroy all hope,

perhaps destroy myself in that war too…

Friday 23 January 2004 9:06

Updated the info-page… Stayed up all night cracking nuts, watching series, feeling miserable (physically, very tired mentally)… Did the big thing yesterday… I have a new phoneline… wifi whoopeee… I’m so fucking tired right now… I need some sleep desperately…

Monday 19 January 2004 5:40

Ok, so my Sunday turned out a bit differently than i’d hoped… I read a bit, whilst lying down on my bed and ofcourse I fell asleep. I didn’t wake up until an IM buzzed me, stirred me from dreams… That was about 9 pm. There were still alot of things to do, so I eventually started to do some work, but I was really slow about it, also had to get some money for the delivery tomorrow… Talked to a drunken S, who was roaming through the darkened streets of M-town, she was funny 🙂 Later on I tried to console a weary girl with some light banter, hope she’s been having a good night’s sleep. I eventually had some dinner, way too late… Watched an episode of something or other and got on with the rest of the things that were left to do…

Now i’m contemplating doing the last bit of the list now, vacuuming and washing the dish I ate from, before lying down for a few hours of sleep. I can now state beyond a shadow of a doubt that my biorhythm is completely and utterly fucked… Oh well… Yeah let’s get this done…

Sunday 18 January 2004 17:22

That was a beautiful, but ever so brief sunset… I fell asleep around 9 am this morning, after finishing “Crome Yellow” by Aldous Huxley… Woke up in the afternoon, having slept for some five, six hours… Just had some breakfast, entertained some vain hopes and now… I have to tidy up around here… It’s a goddamn mess. Have to do the laundry and the dishes too… If I can manage to do this within a reasonable timeframe, i’ll go sit and watch a movie tonite… Even though i’d like some human contact, i’ll settle for moving pictures…

Since i’ve finished my book, i’m looking for something to read… There are still quite a few books in my modest library that need reading… But i’m not sure I know what i want to read… Huxley hit the spot, Hesse might… Any suggestions?

Sunday 18 January 2004 06:49

NP: U2 – Tryin’ to throw your Arms around the World

Fixed a lot of broken links, bad info, new links… just a little bit of maintenance… Amazing that this site (in some incarnation) started way back in ’98… That’s six whole fucking years ago…

Del Amitri – Nothing ever happens

Post office clerks put up signs saying position closed
And secretaries turn off typewriters and put on their coats
Janitors padlock the gates
For security guards to patrol
And bachelors phone up their friends for a drink
While the married ones turn on a chat show

And they’ll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow

Gentlemen, time please, you know we can’t serve anymore
Now the traffic lights change to stop, when there’s nothing to go
And by five o’clock everything’s dead
And every third car is a cab
And ignorant people sleep in their beds
Like the doped white mice in the college lab

Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
The needle returns to the start of the song
And we all sing along like before

And we’ll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow

Telephone exchanges click while there’s nobody there
The Martians could land in the carpark and no one would care
Close-circuit cameras in department stores shoot the same video every day
And the stars of these films neither die nor get killed
Just survive constant action replay

Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
The needle returns to the start of the song
And we all sing along like before

And we’ll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow

Bill hoardings advertise products that nobody needs
While angry from Manchester writes to complain about
All the repeats on T.V.
And computer terminals report some gains
On the values of copper and tin
While American businessmen snap up Van Goghs
For the price of a hospital wing

Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
The needle returns to the start of the song
And we all sing along like before
Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
They’ll burn down the synagogues at six o’clock
And we’ll all go along like before

And we’ll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow

Yeah, well, Del… That’s one way of putting it… I should really hit the sack…

Sunday 18 January 2004 05:55

NP: Download – Ego Dissolve

Still adding more galleries to the Grafix-section… Indulging in a bit of egomasturbatory-behaviour… There are some pix of me doing a solo stint as well as long overdue pictures of the stagepiece I did nearly a year ago… Well, i’m still uploading right now and my loadbalancing has dumped me on the slow upload, i’m doing 5-15 KBps instead of my usual 999 KBps… Oh well, got nothing to do right now, nowhere to go…

Talked to S all night… didn’t expect the conversation to turn serious… Well at least she promised me a glimpse of the metal, if i’d be a good boy… I’m a goooooooood boy 🙂 I wouldn’t mind bumping into L again… I had fun with her last week… Although it was a bit strange seeing them together in one room like that… At least the thing with the troubles has ended, no more towing big bags of electronics through my small hall…

Talked to Guaka on the phone, briefly… I hate it when there’s a delay on the line… It’s cold, cuz the window’s open and i’m sleepy… Still waiting for the upload to finish though… Have a quick look… Tomorrow i’m gonna sleep in… Gimme some dreams to forget myself…

Saturday 17 January 2004 23:49

lots of new galleries… bit of a weird week… lots of travelling, lots of spending… been typing all nite… haven’t had anything to eat yet… contemplating going out, driving down south… Fortune blew €20,- my way… I could get drunk… she was cute but… yeah ya know… always the same… what’s with that… time’s slipping… just a bit… lots of galleries check out grafix… Need something to eat, then decision-making time…

Tuesday 13 January 2004 16:55

Yesterday I didn’t do as much as i’d wanted, but hey… I was really tired. I tried to get to sleep rather early, but somehow i managed to have a really troublesome night… I couldn’t get to sleep, had weird dreams… I woke at least 4 times… Not something that’s common for me… I’m such a snoozer… 🙂

Been picking up some slack today, but not nearly enough… I don’t mind… It’ll all come together… Went to lunch with S today, very nice… She loved my present… Now with the afternoon over and some work done, i’m about to go off to my soccergame. Can’t wait 🙂

Tonite I think i’ll have a quick drink, somewhere… Haven’t done that in ages… See if there are some people about i know… I’m still pretty tired, but i’m not gonna stay out too late tonite…

Monday 12 January 2004 3:31

Etown was fun, good talks with Zieg, SmAids, Suzy… Drive back to Ntown was weird, with D calling, balancing my attention between his story, the ticking of the km-counter, the road and my awareness of pH and Zieg in the car… A bit frantic, that drive, cuz i wanted to make it back to Ntown just in time to get to the club before doors close at four… I made it. Zieg lend me some money, so this poor designated driver could get a drink or two 😉

Inside there were lots of people i know, which was fun… Had a few drinks, got likened to Brad Pitt (me? yeah… me!), talked and laughed, basically having a good time ’till closing. Outside I got into a discussion about politics which was a scene that, with various castmembers, lasted until nine in the morning, or heavy downpour, whichever came first…

Today has been such a quiet day. I’ve been pretty quiet all day. Just took a shower and i’m ready for bed now. Just remembered that yesterday someone from our soccerteam told me he and another member were going to pick up the organizational aspects of our Tuesdaynite bloodbaths… That put a smile on my face. I love playing soccer.

Tomorrow there’s an early start… There’s lots of things to do and I should get to it as fast as I can. I feel like meeting up with people… There’s such a delicate balance between despair and hope… It’s not healthy. There are some faces i’m longing to see… Water, some words and sleep now… Wait… Music, of course 🙂

Saturday 10 January 2004 19:14

crippled fingers taptaptap all these desires wading through mind’s quagmires with sevenmile boots reponses varied uproots normalcy parameters what now what’s next…

Off to Etown in a bit, with pH, Q and Zieg… Acidwars, back in time again… see you later, cusoon, dirty nasty hopefully altogether now in noh-man’s land…

Friday 9 January 2004 23:08

Fuck censorship! 🙂

Thursday 8 January 2004 17:25

Photo’s from my journey to Spain can be found right about here.

Monday 5 January 2004 12:21

Remote update: Granada, Spain

Ooooh yeah… This is definitely weird… Being back here… It´s been 4 years since I´ve been to this place… It almost seems even longer than that… I still have a bit of a hard time relaxing, but oh well… I guess that´s just part of being me…

I have 2 more days down here then it´s back on a plane to Cologna, Germany, from there an hours drive back to the Netherlands, from where it´s another hour and a half back to mí casa… Gotta meet some people right now…

Tuesday 30 December 2003 20:48

So fucking tired… Everything is set… Tomorrow at 5 am, the bell tolls… My ass is flying down south, to just sit there on a mountain and reflect, take a nap, freeze my balls off… 😉 Oh and in case I forget… Flappy New Pear to all!

Thursday 18 December 2003 3:44

Still here, still alive, still TFWO… The strangest changes the wasted wages of rationality nothing comes close to this… Year’s end my friend nothing last forever and words haven’t even begun to reinstate themselves these are the days of the miracles and wonders and i wonder yeah i wonder…

Saturday 15 November 2003 20:28

headaches goddamn inhibitions fucking shit headaches lost weekends too tired and so wired small gifts for me Zamyatin’s “We” Saturdaze tired nights these damned headaches still colddisease still coughing no girls to please so lazy now too much to do somehow there’s a bit of despair seeping into autumn mindset one is curious one allows some just fucking irritate me these desires just smack me down i know no way to take it down realism sucks not speaking my mind sucks having to hold my tongue is very very very irritating but the papertrail is so so long just want to feel you while watching the stars feel the wind forget the wars drop a phone let the world be alas dreams are but dreams and we shouldn’t covet another’s dreams… okay okay okay words are failing that’s okay… academic communities wtf?

Monday 10 November 2003 04:41

NP: Samuel Barber – Adagio For Strings op.11

Cruelty semblance reflection deceiving words slowly creeping into me supposed dead will not let me be lying low infected and wasted for way too long still not there yet going strong once again not again there is no place for this make it stop let go and drift and let go and drift within these hurtful dreams the hateful selfdelusion bash away the doubt in spite of strange reoccuring serendipitous recognition this is heading in the wrong direction wrong direction wrong direction morning comes so fast…

Monday 27 October 2003 02:18

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Possession

I get my messages crossed I get my eyes crossed I don’t understand it all these strange words all these strange thoughts all these wasted days all the weird ways the things happen the words fall so many feelings and so many faces and so many eyes parades of opportunities collapsing waveforms into human beings into unspeakable truths…

Friday 24 October 2003 19:33

I’m a little bitch, I  myself today… but it’s okay, words are failing, that’s okay…

Tuesday 21 October 2003 21:24

NP: Arvo Pärt – Cantus in memory of Benjamin B

filling (days) falling (eyes) fumbling (fingers) forgetting all things ever imagined on subjects best forgotten now still crawling through the tangled lines information shines brighter slightly whiter than virgin snow all my fingers stringy fellows the languid horrorshow suppose i’d grow suppose you’d know suppose i would bestow less imminent knowledge but more intimate wisdom seeping through holes in the body onto the flame of the eternal soul slowly extinguishing the fire and the fire is almost out and the fire is almost out like a sun behind a far horizon in a northerly country like tundra like waterbodies frozen like darkness all around and loneliness and heartache and melancholy waiting in a shack inside a tree inside the earth for summernights and friendly fights with words and proverbs and supposed insights drawing close to the fire the sheets wrapped tight in winter’s grip in winter’s beautiful sad light we wish to ride high on a orange green blue yellow purple black shimmering wave the little caps like coals in gut tchootchoo a little seafaring locomotive who thought he could for just one two months night…

Sunday 19 October 2003 15:03

NP: The Doors – Soul Kitchen

Hands eyes nose all in unison can you feel me afterhours words crystallizing exclusiveness in doubt silently joyful unexpectant waiting waiting morning waiting afternoon waking waiting remembering pressconference style stupid after a while forgotten sleeping so long need for blackness unconscious processing digesting incredulously waking seeing survival in a black hole sweaty stinky smokey holes barren more and more these lovely lovely trees so alone in stoic stance stoic and standing every day in frozen winter clay now comes another now is time for the other who’s ready who’s reading the rules of the games change as uncertainty principles lost in the translation can you hear me will you hear me get near you let me explain the ways of uncertainty sustained within these days of our lives wait for no-one wait for me wait forever in static moments chips of timetrees chopped man made murderous minds and barbaric souls…

Sunday 19 October 2003 3:07

Not so long ago in Russian forests in wardrobes in dusky places hidden away behind computerscreens all the pretty little faces the words come tumbling down the pipes onto whites it’s the flow of things up and down around the bend bending time and space and to each his own time and phase expanding or contracting it is worth is it worth taking a risk tricking myself into ticking time off as never before insurance assurance endurance persevering not so long ago in Russian forests not so long ago in Tsjech forests not so long ago in Dutch forests all leaves turning and turning brown and letting go and falling down in the duvet sweaty dreams and moist young body hard to cum by and harder to hold too tight too late to traverse time and try to tell all the lies in the right order the order of true meaning the orders of sincerity obey and disagree disagree yet obey me what is this tell me traveling up and down the line in days getting colder in sharp contrast to hot suffocation like mothercontinent like ancient places like farewell to thee and hope it makes you happy places so strange so distant the distance creeping inside me and the further i get from the things that i care about the less i care about how much further away i get and the further i get the distance creeping the detachment the dissolving the letting go the purposes lost the will withered we never agreed to this we never said we’d do this we never ever agreed to see what i mean this is it this is slowly going south slipping down leaving the lifeless bodies still silently twitching in wintercold on the frozen ground the musclespasm of free will the want the need the desire still the rest gone the other gone this will finally fade this will finally fade in time time times long gone when you were still so still and just looked back but looking back is all there is to do so so so slowly it fades as taillights as trains as plane vaportrails here we go here we go here we go and just like that… words are failing that’s okay so this what i’m saying is failing but failing is ok so here we go and here we go and here we go a failure forgotten fast winterwind sweeping past freezing all the tears another year another fear another lie told into another ear there is drink to be had and eyes to please there is a little melon-collie that needs a good hard petting…

Wednesday 15 October 2003 2:12

Ideas that spring from simple muscle movements evoke emotions so hidden so detached from the daily undulations what is wrong what is wrong what is wrong there are layers of hell in heads there are layers of pain and trying to forget and never forgetting and so surreal the sense of touch twisted and hiked up touched up photographs of memories ripped apart by the winds of time rushing past here we go here we go here we go it is hidden and remains that way no words no questions no inquisitiveness will penetrate the bunkers of experience experimentation expedient aging she is there and she is there and she is there and what can i do about all of this as the door opens and inside she sits and outside the cold turns color into slow avenging thoughts one’s worst enemy confided in me collaborations with the free spirited the wee willed ones the weak and wasteful shameful this is what i amount to and i would want to be so much morally slipping fear of slipping slipped up and cracked up and monsters in the depth of me never ever leave me be never ever leave me be never ever returning to these states altered or otherwise too wise to alter now slowly to revolutionise to dare is too hard is to be bold to wait and be told that the need is fulfilled that what is happening is what was willed spoken softly in dreamlike autumn voices like wind and soft intermittent raindrops on glass sliding down the years drying up like tears in strong winterwind what has become of me of the past of whatever will be last…

Tuesday 14 October 2003 0:11

NP: Dead Voices on Air – Ralbag

I dreamt I met Eldridge… But I didn’t of course, because his dog, like in the dream, would not like me and have terrifying truths written in its’ eyes. The spaceship was a traincar, it was cheap and effective, but when the train began to move after a few days of shooting, the effect was lost, a bit…

I have no words for what I just saw… And perhaps I should leave it at that…

The week came, the week went… The weekend came… On saturday I drove to W-city, late at night. Then back to N-town, to meet up with some people at that horrid place. I had fun of sorts…

Buffalo Tom – Taillights Fade

Sister can you hear me now
The ringing in your ears
I’m down on the ground
My luck’s been dry for years

I’m lost in the dark
And I feel like a dinosaur
Broken face and broken hands
I’m a broken man

I’ve hit the wall
I’m about to fall
But I’m closing in on it
I feel so weak
On a losing streak
Watch my taillights fade to black

I read a thing about this girl
She was a hermit in her world
Her story was much like mine
She could be my valentine

And although we’ve never met
I won’t forget her yet
She cut herself off from her past
Now she’s alone at last

I feel so sick
Lost love’s last licks
But I’m closing down on it
I feel so weak
On a losing streak
Watch my taillights fade to black

Lost my life in cheap wine
Now it’s quiet time
Cappy Dick nor Jesus Christ
Could not help my fate

But I’m underneath a gun
I’m singing about my past
Had myself a wonderful thing
But I could not make it last

I’ve hit the wall
I’m about to fall
But I’m closing in on it
I feel so small
Underneath it all
Watch my taillights fade to black
..Watch my taillights fade
..Watch my taillights fade
..Watch my taillights fade 

Felt really shitty today, so i went home. Still waiting for the Tungsten. Must remind myself to take a bit better care of me. The green was full of little critters. Creepy… I need water now… And more sleep.

Sunday 5 October 2003 17:26

NP: The Cure – Fear of Ghosts

Saturdaymorning came. I got up, got my things, jumped into the car and drove of to U-city. Reached J eventually, so he’d drop by as well, we did the concrete thing, which was pretty fucking hard, but fun, had dinner, changed a bulb and went back home. I hung about a bit, went to the club… Decided against E-town, too late, probably too loud… Club wasn’t that much fun, but in the end, the taste of voddy got to me and cuz the club was empty my friend the dj started playing some good tunes. It wasn’t half bad.

Talked some more to G outside, it’s getting to be so much colder… I think today is the day I close my window. I think it’s been open since march this year. Need to do a spot of cleaning, washing, cooking… there is some typing to do, later on. I still haven’t found a title with which i’m happy…

Friday 3 October 2003 2:04

Sundaynite spent @ Q&H’s house, with h-l, M&D and zieg which was fun… Talk about living together hippy (how is this word spelled?) style, drove home and got to bed… Monday flew by, met E in the evening. Talked to him for a while about years past, met up with S and talked to him in one of the coffeeshops, which was nice. Tuesday flew by, soccer was great, scored a few beauts, then pH dropped by and we got everything ready for the new server, on which the Cave now resides. I’m happy about this. Now i’m no longer reliant on a server in my room. I can go wherever i want to and still edit my shit, view my shit, mail my shit, shit my shit… this is the shit! 🙂

Wednesday i stayed a bit longer at the office, talked to Mikey on the phone and to S in the office, played the imdb game…

Woke up weird this morning. In the evening I met S at the grocer’s, we talked, then later on home, no dinner all day, hardly any food actually… Then M dropped by. She’s such a sight for sore eyes… Talked about alot of things… I always keep on yapping when she’s with me… I decided that i’d put the news back up, in honor of the new server… Just an experiment… Might backfire… Whatever…

Tomorrow there’s work, then dinner with H in the evening, Saturday we do the concrete thing for Mikey and maybe a spot of boom boom boom in the evening… or… Wha’eva…

Well… Here we go again… Sleep now.

Wednesday 1 October 2003 2:44

New Server!

Sunday 28 September 2003 2:04

I say there was a visitor from M-town… Could it be her? Why do i still care after all this time? I’ve been thinking about making this whole thing public again, quietly… So no-one knows until they see it… Not that i think that anyone will find out any time soon…

Watching Apocalypse now… Always quite an experience… Full of truths, full of insanity… Just like me… Kill the cow… Kill the chicken… I’ve noticed this before… The scene where Sheen finally kills Kurtz, must have been one hell of an inspiration for Stone when he made The Doors… I don’t know what to say.

The horror… the horror… yeah man… The fucking Horror… I never can remember how this fucking movie ends…

I hardly have time for anything but work anymore… Not that it matters… There aren’t any people left to be with anyway… So tied up in their own shit…

The proposal wasn’t that fucking great. There is too little cash to make ends meet every month, so this has to change. I will make this part of my stance. My counterproposal. We’ll see.

It’s not about the looks, about the brains, it’s not about anything at all… There’s only this mad mad mad fucked up world where we have to play these games with toys for grown ups… I’ve said it before… I have this really strange feeling that all i’m doing is waiting for the end to come. I’m scared of dying and pain, but i guess i’m even more scared of living. Or not living the life i want, in a world that’s like this…

Friday 26 September 2003 1:03

NP: George Michael – Waiting for that Day

I’ve been on the verge of feeling melancholic, need to push it back to the weekend. Been seeing veils of memory appear in the shape of you… Rippling in the autumn wind…

I’ve been really busy… Just so lost in management… Tomorrow’s a big day, I guess we’ll get to hear what lies in wait for us… I need sleep… I have to promise myself a walk in the forests this weekend… And keep my promise. Need to take better care of me…

Tuesday 23 September 2003 1:32

Happy birthday baby

I got some news today about the developments in my company… Seems that i will be able to buy myself into this company and start running the show over there… That would be interesting, but it would also be quite a financial risk… Also there’s the question: do i want to be a businessman? Good fucking question… I have to think things over…

Hung out with Zieg saturdaynight.. I was pretty fucked up, but playing guitar and djembe on the beach was good therapy, later on a few drinks at the club. Sunday I cleaned and shit…

Some shit went wrong at the company today…. I hope we can fix it… need sleep, need exercise, need sex… need not to remember you tonite…

Saturday 20 September 2003 15:55

NP: The Cure – The last Day of Summer

So, where to begin… I could say a lot has happened since my last entry; and that would be true, but then again, i could say not a whole fucking lot has changed since my last entry and sure enough, that would be just as true. The night of my last entry, i “celebrated” my b-day. I turned 27.

In the evening I got surprised by Josh, D&S, Zieg. Later on SmAids dropped by and C. We drank, had fun, good stuff in general. Didn’t expect it, didn’t feel like it, but it was pretty ok after all… All but SmAids left. In the morning I had to get up to go to work, which was a bit of a trip, but i pulled it off.

Work has been hellishly busy these past few weeks, there have been a number of crises, all of which we eventually were able to defuse. It’s been a bit weird as well, because there are a lot of changes going on, but there are no decisions being made, so i’m working with a shitload of responsibility, of which i’m not even sure it is MY responsibility.

The day after my b-day, I met up with J at my place, where we talked all night. Well, she let me talk all night long and she pretty much listened all night. It was a really nice evening. Despite of my misgivings at the whole thing, I was pleasantly entertained. I felt detached, but my mouth rattled and rattled…

The next saturday there was a party up in B&D. I went up with SmAids and a friend, H, G and C, all on bikes, saw K2 there, been a long time since i’ve seen him, he seems to be doing ok for himself. Daddy 🙂 There were alot of acquaintances there, walked around a bit, talked a bit… Eventually got a nice buzz going. Got close to H, she was on my lap, hugging her, got me hard on and off…

The next Saturday, me, Zieg, Zelk and H went to a party somewhere in the surroundings of D-town. It turned out to be a pretty weird party, mostly because of the setting, surroundings and partypeople. Really weird. J was there as well. It got a bit awkward at a certain point and I never understood why exactly. I flatter myself with the thought that she was a bit jealous of H, but I cannot imagine that would be true. J hung around us, even though she was with friends, it was a strange situation. We said we’d have dinner together later that week, but when i msg’d her, she reacted rather coolly. H and I played some games in the car on the way over to this party, I was daddy, she was mommy, Zieg and Zelk were our kids… Freaky shit… There was this raft on a lake, with two ropes, going to an artificial island in the center of the lake, so me, Zieg and Zelk, climbed on the raft, in the middle of the night and headed out on the lake, best part of the whole party, great fucking fun 😉 When we got back home, I got a massage from H, sitting there between her long legs… I had some fantasies, I can tell you… Eventually she left, C and G had dropped by after we returned from the party, they left not long after that. Zelk was fast asleep soon after.

I’ve been reading Delillo’s Underworld, which has been a fascinating read, although i’m not exactly sure why. I am glad I finished it though. It was a gift from a friend, whom i’ve lost touch with. I remember the day he gave it to me, he said he was sure I would like it, as he did not. This was years ago. Now i’ve started re-reading William Faulkner’s The Sound and The Fury, which is a trip…

One Tuesday I met up with C and went to M-club, I was alcohol-free all night. A first. It worked pretty well. Saw N, so hard to keep my eyes on her pretty face with those fantastic breasts… Nice to see her. Leaving when there’s still fun to be had, is fucking hard.

Last Saturdaymorning, I packed my bags, got into a car (with only one headlight) and picked up G and C for a trip down to Paris. First up though was E-town to pick up SmAids, who was going as well. From there we went on the grocer’s to get food, drink and other necessities. Clint was with us, so we first had to drop him off in V-village, where we hung around a bit as well, enjoying a spot of sunshine. Then on to M-town to drop off some stuff for S. She wasn’t there but I gladly fouled up D’s atmosphere 🙂 By this time we’d been on the road for quite some time, so when we eventually had negotiated the foul-smelling streets of Paris, it was late in the evening. Driving is hell, parking is sell-a-vision… We hung around a bit, talked a bit to Guaka and I, I even worked a bit, cooked dinner, and talked about where to go to that evening. There were two parties we could go to; one a private party, the other an illegal party. We opted for the more docile party and took a metro. Spirits were high, drinks were ready-mixed and imbibed, fun was had by all, actually… At the party, I started to amuse myself, talking to strangers in strange tongues, drinking, enjoying the fact that i was in a strange country, being a stranger myself, yet feeling comfortable… Then the shit hit the fan. I’m not sure what happened and i don’t want to know, but C and SmAids got into a big-ass argument, that turned rather ugly. Soon it was time to leave and in the streets, G got a bit wild, put a pylon on top of a very expensive Porsche 2 meters away from a policestation. Fortunately they did not see this, but when he paraded past them with the pylon on his head, it took about 5 seconds for 8 cops to surround us. Soon we realised that we were very close to getting arrested, fortunately I talked us all out of it, but even for her it was hard. Not long after that the same and other arguments flared up. People were threatening to kick eachother’s asses for real. It got really really ugly… I just flipped. I started hitting myself, hard. I did the Fight Club thing, somewhere in the back of my mind, I was thinking, well, if you want to see violence, this is what it looks like. I think I knew that it was a bad fucking idea to bring C and SmAids together, but i though it would be ok, cuz we’re all grown ups, looking forward to a vacation… But I fucked up. I was wrong. It didn’t work out. So I kept hitting and freaking out. When we got back to the house, I picked up my stuff and walked to the car, dropped down the chair and tried to get some sleep. An hour later I awoke, seeing Guaka and I standing next to the car, trying to talk me into coming back to the house. I refused. The next day, my head hurt like a motherfucker. I had bumps all over, bruises galore. I knocked on the window and a near-comatose C opened the door. He went straight back to bed. I took a dump, gathered some ice in a baggy and walked out into the garden. Passing the guestroom, I noticed that SmAids was gone. He’d made good on his promise to get the first train out of there. When I got to the garden, where I’d dropped my stuff, there was SmAids. I put my icebaggy on my head and sat there hurting for a bit… We were both weary and unsure of how this whole mess happened. I’d decided to go back that same day and that was the only option for SmAids as well. We hung about ’till I and Guaka woke up and got out into the yard. We had breakfast, G woke up, we sat and talked. C never showed his face, not until the end, when I insisted we go back. We said goodbye and left. It took us up to six hours, changing a lightbulb, having a gross meal in a roadhouse with only one potty, running into cops on deserted roads and asking for directions back to the highway. The last hours were filled with noisy music… I dropped SmAids in E-town, C at home, G and I went back to my place for a drink and a smoke. We played a game we’d made up on IMDB, how to get in this many steps, from this page, this actor, to this actor. Good game actually. I should sell it to IMDB.

When I got home, my computer was fucked. It turned out to be the powerblock that was broken, fortunately pH came and installed a new one the next day. Another thing that happened was that my boss turned out to be having a breakdown… So after a telephonecall, late on Monday, we decided that it would be best for everybody if I’d return to work on Wednesday, instead of going ahead with my planned vacation. So I slept the better part of Monday, a large part of Tuesday, did go to soccer, late and showed up for work tired as fuck.

This week we finally got a bit closer to gaining some insight into what’s going to happen with the company. Next Friday, they will, at last, make a decision as to my position, ownership, responsibilities, etc. I’m itching to find out. All of this week, my bosses’ mom was there. This was quite hard for me, because it demanded an amount of patience and tolerance, which I hadn’t had to muster for a long time, not since S when working for A in A-town, selling dope for enlightenment. I’m sure though, that this will change come next week.

Bought me a new pair of shades. They’re not fan-fucking-tastic, but at least I got me some shades again. The last good pair I had, got fried in a fire a while back on the beach, the backup pair I folded and destroyed somewhere in Paris on metrostation steps. They polarize, they block UV, so that’s ok, they’re not dark enough though.

My computer is still acting funny, there is definitely some shit wrong with my soundcard, winamp keeps hanging itself up, system sounds kill themselves out of the blue… I need a new system, I don’t trust this shit anymore. I also need to make backups.

T called, he wants me to build a website for him. Funny stuff, the shit changes, with the passing of the years… Still we seem to wait for something intangible…

I feel a bit panicky now and again. I think that the attacks are doing a slight return on me. I saw M a while back with an ownership mark on her by fuckface… She’s letting him close again. Stupid… Oh well, no skin off my nose.

I feel a bit lonely, a bit abandoned. It seems to me that there’s less and less people I can relate to. I shouldn’t care and I don’t want to care, but I care. I should just work, not worry, shit will improve eventually, but i’m really worried that it won’t. I still lack the calm and patience to trust in change of its’ own accord.

Last night I went out to the club, met up with G… Saw M, she always is so fucking enchanting. She’s just one of those girls, I guess. In my arrogance I actually believe that it would work pretty well, me and her. She has this great melancholy… So sexy in a beautiful girl. Seems that her current b-f doesn’t share these feelings… Seems an ex-b-f is still harassing her…

I want to be writing again. Mustn’t let the stress get to me, remain calm, placid, accepting of life and just write. I feel i’ve been putting quite a strain on my nerves these past few years… I guess it’s been a wild fucking ride, any which way you look at it… It’s not surprising that I’d get a bit tired eventually. But it seems to me, that I should be able to take it, to handle it, brave it, be strong enough, be in-fucking-vincible. But i’m not, now am i?

It’s her birthday in a couple of days. 27 isn’t that much of a milestone, not like thirty, but perhaps it’s the final step, the point of no return, the start of the end of youth. She must be one hell of a woman by now. Haven’t seen her in years. Nearly gone out of my mind, except for an occasional backstep… I really do wonder sometimes. Such an impact on both our lives… Doesn’t seem real, even, sometimes… 27…

Been trying to reach Josh for the past 17 days, but he seems to be unwilling to talk to me. Called SmAids, talked to Zelk the other day, he’s busy, damn… SmAids is having some trouble at work, he’s got a private party tonite… It’s an option. Called Zieg, he’s tired, but up for fun, thought to pay Josh a visit, but i don’t feel like driving up there to end up in front of a locked door. My house’s a mess, I need to clean up shit, I need to take a trip to the grocer’s, I’m tired, I’m sad… I’m not gonna do any drugs tonite. I’ve been very careful these past few months, but I feel I’m not able to handle it like I used to. Got a call the other morning around 6 am, complete panick and heavy breathing on the line… Took me a while to calm him down… Drugs… Life… This day is turning into evening, already. The last day of summer… It’s 25 degrees or over. Been sitting here on the balcony writing… I feel strange… Uncomfortable sometimes… Melancholic, accepting… Try to feel good, now… 

I used to fly like Peter Pan, all the children flew when I touched their pants

She could be so fucking funny…

Wednesday 3 September 2003 0:03

Everyone goes through this crisis. For the average person this is the point when the demands of his own life come into the sharpest conflict with his environment, when the way forward has to be sought with the bitterest means at his command. Many people experience the dying and rebirth —which is our fate— only this once during their entire life. Their childhood becomes hollow and gradually collapses, everything they love abandons them and they suddenly feel surrounded by the loneliness and mortal cold of the universe. Very many are caught forever in this impasse, and for the rest of their lives cling painfully to an irrevocable past, the dream of the lost paradise —which is the worst and most ruthless of dreams.

Tuesday 2 September 2003 1:13

NP: Radiohead – Paranoid Android

when i am king you will be first against the wall

with your opinion which of no consequence at all…

Had salary negotiations today. At first I was happy cuz i was too fucking lazy to do the math, then in the evening with the help of Zelk, i reached the conclusion that it was no way near enough money… This job i’ll be doing has a lot of responsibility to it, so there has to be some compensation. I hate doing this, I truly despise asking for more money, but if i don’t do it, i might as well buy a big fat dildo and fuck myself repeatedly in my dry little asshole, till i die from incessant hemorrhaging…

Didn’t sleep so well, last nite, got up to go to work, didn’t get too much work done due to teekids.exe on a novice’s pc.

Tomorrow my two bosses are discussing my future within the company, so i’m not required to come in until 11am. So i’ll go sleep now and sleep a bit longer… Talked to H a bit… Got a bit raunchy… Oh well… Maybe some nice dreams tonite… Sure could use some, even in dreams…

Monday 1 September 2003 1:16

Weekend’s over… Alas. Too soon… I need to talk to my boss, I need more money. I feel fucked… I’ve been feeling the onset of panickattacks again… Friday was a long day… Pulled it off, one of the difficult projects… Went out friday, but there wasn’t too much fun to be had… Saturday I really felt fucked. Decided to go down to Vtown to see D and his sister. Drove back around 3 am… A highspeed burn from V to N, doing 170 kph… I made it in time for closing doors, but it wasn’t any fun…

Today I did a little bit of cleaning, 2 laundry runs, a bit of dishes… Felt too fucked up to do any vacuuming… Spent an hour on the phone with SmAids, talking about holiday and stuff… Feel tired… There’s a mosquito somewhere around… I don’t have a clue how the fucker got into my room… Everything’s closed off… I so intensly hate mosquitoes… I’ll be 27 in two days. Yikes… I really don’t feel like celebrating. I feel like isolating myself and taking a sabbatical for a year or so… On the other hand… If i get more pay, I’d work for a year or two… Managing this joint, making some money, saving… After that… Who knows? I feel lonely lately…

I’m gonna move this log… There are too many people who know where to find this…

Friday 29 August 2003 2:26

NP: The Cure – Want

So this is this week… This is how it hits me… Been working, been feeling so melancholic, so down… It’s the leaves turning, it’s me turning 27, it’s thinking of past loves, future emptyness, the present devoid of meaning…

Been working much, not getting paid enough… Soccer was ok… Went out by myself last nite… Saw a pretty blonde babe… Too young, too lusted after… Been telling people i’m not a happy camper… Shouldn’t be doing that… It just begs questions that i’m in no mood answering. Fake concern and interest… Fuck this.

Planned the holiday, but i feel like calling it off… I’m in no mood to meet up with these people and do this… I want to spend some time alone, actually… Not with so many people. I have to really think hard about this. Figure out what i want. Doing what i want… That’s a tough choice to make. And what about alternatives…? Are there any? Would I have any willpower to execute an alternative choice?

Tomorrow I have to be at work at 9. That’s ok. I can cope with that… What I can’t cope with, is having an orgasm and feeling like i’m about to die… I guess those panickattacks haven’t subsided completely, yet… I still get scared by my own heartbeat. Pathetic, actually… I should learn to shut up… I really should. But i’ll never… Cuz i’m just a big fucking blabbermouth… I provoke a reaction, I don’t want the reaction, yet I crave attention… Man… That’s fucked up… Surely… I can’t sleep. Can’t stop concentrating on the panic, on the down and out feeling… I’ll try to sleep… 

Doesn’t matter if we all die

Ambition in the back of a black car

In a high building there is so much to do

Going home time story on the radio

I’ve been listening to the cure for over ten years on a daily basis. I should sue Smith for damages, mental and physical… Or maybe pay him some money… Get me to sleep, please…? Again… Still…

Monday 25 August 2003 0:54

Went down south Thursday, stayed at D&S’s, had a nice basement experience. Friday spent fixing computertroubles. Felt extremely fucked up most of the day, but it cleared up. Got a few bottles of wine… Went up north again, in a better mood, pretty tired, so i stayed in. Next day I sold the humidifier, then off to Ikea to shop for furniture with H. Interesting experience. Got a bit depressed later on, even switched off my phone. In the evening Smaids and B came, later on G and C dropped by and we went for the long ride to B&D where the party was. It was a great party, many familiar faces, got close to H for a bit, strange. In the morning we rode back. Passed out later on after a spot of breakfast with SmAids. Spent the afternoon hanging about, then cleaning, washing, dishes, etc… Late dinner, bad bad bad Quorny stuff… Really yuck. Watching an old college movie. I love that eighties-feel. Bed in a bit. Dreams of autumn love and better life…

Thursday 21 August 2003 2:05

NP: The Sisters of Mercy – Fix

I can’t sleep. I’m fucking tired and I need to, but i can’t… Can’t read on neither… too heavy. Need to piss, but don’t want to find the toilet. Nothing much this week. Except for a strange anonymous gift from my employer and the start of the soccerseason. Alas only 6 people showed. It’s a great motherfucking start.

Talked to S for the first time in quite a while. I still feel a bit strange towards her and i sensed a bit of a weird vibe from her too… I’m wondering if this is the end of a long friendship. I have been having really weird blue screen hard crashes, for which i haven’t been able to find a cause yet. I’m scared that it’s going to be a big computercrisis all over again. I sure as hell hope not. Haven’t seen M anymore, think she might be spending more time with her bf, cuz i think she felt neglected and guilty later on, for having too much fun with other guys… Who knows, I don’t know… She intrigues me, so does her sister, although that one is more reserved.

Tomorrow there’s work again. Last night there was a spot of clubbing, damn musclesaches all day today. Saw some amazing young beauties last nite. Damn… Been hanging out with G alot lately, he’s the only one left, that i see regularly, not even Zieg. But A’s back so… Who knows…

Had H over for a movie sundayevening, which started out okay, but the night turned a bit grim after a while, when a discussion went a bit overboard. I tried all evening to imagine what it would be like to fuck her, but i couldn’t get it done. Saw A a few times, but she annoys the shit out of me. I really don’t want anything to do with her anymore. Fucking her was a big fucking mistake. The nice guy routine is getting stale. I haven’t called the other club yet, to arrange for a gig. I might still do that, but it’s always so goddamn shitty. I’m not sure if i really feel up to that. The old fuck is calling me with his pc troubles. I told him i would come down and help him out, but he’s gonna pay me. I’m quite sure he tried to fuck over M, so i’ll squeeze this motherfucker if i can. Fuck him. I’m playing it cool though. You never know about the future. I feel like a fucking mobster thinking like this, but i’m sure lots of people actually think this way and don’t even have a problem with it, for me it’s like goddamn gestalt-therapy. Hey ‘dya notice? I’m a bit pissed off. I’ll be 27 in a week or two. Been feelin’ real horny towards S, i’m curious what her bf thinks about this. I think he knows. Shit. Gotta go sleep, gotta go piss and sleep, try and get me all melancholic, dream off, stay that way for a few days and do some hiking, biking, fucking perhaps? Life sure got shitty over the years…

Saturday 16 August 2003 0:14

NP: The Cure – Prayers for Rain

A week went by and i didn’t really notice… Went home tuesday, met up with smaids on the southbound train. mET a weird american, i was trying to be funny… guess i succeeded somewhat. Back home me and smaids went shopping, then to pick up guaka and I. wE hung out at m’s, drinking, smoking, swimming a bit. This went on till early morn. then sleep, then mayhem and fuck the old man if he did this… Back to Etown, to drop off smaids, got me a greeny and back to ntown, where i cooked dinner and waited on g and i, then dropped them off at ph’s… I went home and slept. Next day work, in the evening a visit to g’s then to the club. Saw M and L, saw A but evaded her. L is hot, M makes me want to be in a relationship with a nice girl… accompanied her home, then off to bed, early workday, hectic long workday. then home, dinner, a few msgs by J, A, M and a phonecall by m… wtf? what the hell do they want from me? they don’t want to fuck me, perhaps they’re looking for a way to get closer to g… Went for a walk with m, but didn’t enjoy it. Familiarity breeds contempt, perhaps? she’ll never let me in. got a call from g as i was leaving. i’m tired, M is gonna be at the club tonite, but perhaps her bf will be too… i don’t care much for such an experience… Got my bike back, but it’s not up to specs… rode it down an extremely steep hill. heart pounding and shit… pretty cool. i’m in bed now, maybe a bit of sleep b4 hitting the club… My monitor is acting strange, i think it’s dying, also had some weird crashes… I feel like fucking some nice girl… been wondering about s lately and how i feel about things now…

Saturday 9 August 2003 0:15

NP: Heather Nova – London Rain

That was weird, as if a small poison snake of electricity jumped out of my keyboard and into my indexfinger… Man, i should lay off the dope I guess… fuck

kay, i said it was sooooo fucking hot, but it got even hotter. It’s been madness all week long, temps going up to 35 degrees. Work’s been hell… not becuz of work but becuz of a client who’s really irritating me…

Nothing much exceptional happened this week, my bike’s still not fixed… I went out last nite, saw J, who confuses me a bit. Saw L and M, who are both so fucking hot. Each in their own way. I’d fuck J too, but she’s into G, so i’ll just let that slide… Today even more work. Talked to guaka for a bit… There’s talk of ditching the server and getting an isp. It would probably cut back in costs for me, as well as noise and electricity. Although it has quite a bit of sentimental value… Well, fuck sentimentality… ain’t got me anywhere…

A called, but i was on the phone, called her back… She wants something from me, i don’t feel like letting her have it. I saw A’s tits the other day. Beautiful nipples, got me hard. E dropped by today, stared down her blouse too, yummie…

I’m so fucking sick and tired of this heat, i’m so fucking tired of not getting laid… Of nearly passing out when i’m a bit too stoned and a girl is talking to me… M is leaving tuesday, me and SmAids are going down to see her. There should be a meteorshower the same nite. I’m heading for the shower in a bit, then off to the beach. Chill the fuck out. you can’t always get what you want… you can’t always get what you want

but if you try sometimes, you just might find…

you get what you need…. oooooaaaah baby…. oh yeah…

I went down to the chelsea drugstore to get your prescription pills i was standing in line with mr. jimmy and man did he look pretty ill

My panickattacks have stopped, but not completely… I’m too heavy and i’m still a bit nervous about the condition of my heart, especially in this heat… but it’s mainly nerves i think. I have to keep this under wraps… Shit… All this sweating… I’m cutting my hair… I’ve had it… Fuck it.

Monday 4 August 2003 1:09

Soooooooooooo fucking hot again… Worked all week, got the news about a raise, promotion in January… Sounds good… Last week me and G rode bikes all nite… Pretty good. Cool breeze, week progressed, getting hotter… Fridaynite G, F, and a friend joined me at the beach, playing music… Saw N for a little while, boy she’s so fucking hot, in those cowboyboots, hot little skirt… I’d fuck you silly, if i’d get the chance… Saw A, she still makes me have these fantasies where i cum all over her cute nose.

Saturday i went down South, for a bbq with D and S… Pretty ok. Now just so fucking tired, caught a glimpse of S’s tits… Looked pretty tasty… 🙂

Did some housework, cooked, bit of tv. Now really time for bed.

Tuesday 29 July 2003 5:25

NP: Pete NamlookKlaus Schulze & Bill Laswell – The Final DAT- Part I

Stayed awake for far too fucking long… Watched some dumbass movie, not even worth mentioning… Work today… Was a bit nasty to M by email, but she’s irritating me with all the bullshit about K. Fuck off will you… You sucked the guys dick, now don’t complain… It pisses me off, why won’t you suck my fucking Johnson?

Fuck this… it’s a bit hot… There’s Venus out there… at least there was, until about half an hour ago… Real purrrrty… K’s on holiday, her mommy’s next door right now… A tiny bit uncomfortable yes… Fuck it… Tomorrow i’m taking a day… Not too much bs… I gotta go crash now… I’m getting a bit fucked up and irritated…

Monday 28 July 2003 2:33

NP: Atom Heart – Ambient Head

Saturday I spent inside… Bored to the tits… Eventually went out, but was bored so fast i decided to go back home… T was at the club, she has this sad, pretty face, she’s a bit afraid of me or disgusted with me maybe, but she makes me wanna make her cum and see that face squirm with pleasure. I should invite her to come watch the Trilogy dvd… Fingerfuck her while Robert wails through Disintegration, Prayers for Pussyjuice… Anyway, i’m digressing… The evening was boring, I went home, stayed up too long, got to bed, woke up fucked up, did the dishes, laundry, invited E over for dinner and a movie… Brought my bike to Flow’s to get it fixed… A quick visit to the store… Then a quick shower. E was here a bit early so i had to come out of the shower to open the door. She acted all shocked… Yeah right… We ate dinner, watched a movie, saw her spill hot tea over her tits. I’d fuck her though… She’s hot… She left, watched some tvshow, another episode of 7 days…. NOw really ready to hit the sack. Tomorrow dentist appointment. Then work… Shitty… We’ll see how things’ll progress… There’s changes to be made, decisions to force… We’ll see… I need to think about university. I need to get me some pussy…

Saturday 26 July 2003 17:38

NP: Skinny Puppy – Nature’s Revenge

Guess what? hehehe I decided to go sneaky on everyone’s ass and make a hidden, secret version of the news. I’ll do it for one more year, just to see if it feels differently. This week’s been hell, we’re losing clients i can feel it… My boss was thinking about lying to save our asses, but i didn’t think that was such a good goddamn idea. I talked him out of it. I need to get more money for what i do and i need to be able to get more hours than the 25 i got now. This is ridiculous. It’s just not enough. Oh well, it’s a nice game…

That motherfucker that tried to blackmail me came by last week to apologize, i felt the urge to kick his ass, break his glasses and shove them down his lying throat…

Tried to brush off A when she called… She wants me to film her dancing, preferably every fucking Tuesday, sorry baby… You weren’t that great of a lay, fuck off… One email i just happened to glance at as it passed by mentioned to someone that it was somewhat of a ridiculous idea to think that i was dangerous, as in a sexual threat to someone’s pussymonopoly… That was pretty annoying… Oh well… If all goes well, they’ll never find out, although the temptation is there to come right out and confront… But i won’t.

I’m getting really tired of this shitty town. I’m also realizing that things ain’t the way they used to be between me and the other four. Shit has changed and they really don’t give a shit about much else but their pathetic little lives… Just like everyone else, perhaps even just like me… Oh well… Fuck it… If this is the way it is, sure, roll with the punches why the motherfuck not… Who cares anyway. It’s been too long anyway. I need to start a new path in my life. This is leading no-fucking-where… I’m gonna call the Ministry come monday, find out what the fuck they want me to do before i can get this visum… I hope tonite M comes over. I’d really like to fuck her… Just once, even if i don’t see her anymore after that… Just make sure she has a few orgasms, show her shit the other stupid fucks can’t… “how about a fistfuck, dear?” 🙂

Luckily I scored me some dope, yesterday… That’s nice, get really fucked up this weekend. Screw just about everything… Had a little chat with A, told her i want my book back, hinted at wanting to fuck her, or rather getting a blowjob from her… But she held off… She’s so happy with her boyfriend. When she’s drunk, that’s not really apparent. Rubbing her tits and pussy up against me… Oh well… Wha’eva… Been thinking of E, she had me hard the other week, she still makes me want to fuck her. Unfortunately she’s been serviced this past week, so i’ll probably won’t get a chance…

M is going on holiday again in a few weeks, i get to have the car… Which is great… A bit of freedom… Gonna go drive off to somewhere… Get me a bit of free time… Ok, gonna call that hot little blonde babe again… Get me some more wine, spot of dinner… Let’s roll… 😉